Under These Lights
by jaxington
Summary: Small town Texas. High school football. Two best friends, one girl. A tragedy that changes everything. All Human. Lemons. The usual suspects. YeeHaw!
1. This Thing I'm Doin'

**Under These Lights**

**Small town Texas. High school football. Two best friends, one girl. A tragedy that changes everything. All Human. Lemons. The usual suspects. YeeHaw!**

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><p><strong>So I never had any plans to write this story. In fact I have two other things in the works that I was going to start publishing after finishing up Hallett Hall (insert self advertisement here.) But planning has never been my strong suit.<strong>

**Last weekend I watched the first couple seasons of Friday Night Lights with my sick, sick cousin. I'd never seen it before and thought it was pretty good. Definitely not my cup of tea, but pretty good.**

**Anyway, I just started writing this as we were watching and now I can't focus on working on anything else. Figured I better publish it. This story should really only be about six or seven short chapters, I'm thinking.**

**But I already mentioned that sticking to a plan isn't exactly my thing.**

**Let me know what you think.**

**I do not own Twilight and I do not own Friday Night Lights. No copyright infringement intended. I'm just messin' around, tryin' to have a little fun!**

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><p>July<p>

"It's open," I call out, burying my face in my hands at the kitchen counter. It's difficult to say if the loud knock on my front door or my own yell hurts my head more.

With a scowl at the slow to brew coffeemaker and my half eaten bagel, I push my hair off my forehead and lay my throbbing skull on the cool counter.

I shouldn't even be up yet. If my brother wasn't so damn loud gettin' ready for work, and if I had the foresight to not pass out on the couch last night, my crusty, hung over eyes wouldn't even open till at least two o'clock. It's way too goddamn early and I'm still lingering in that terrible purgatory between fucked up and hung over.

"Good morning." The voice behind me is timid but provocative, shy but confident, just like the girl herself.

And just like that I feel fine. More than fine. I feel like the king of the goddamn world because she is all I've ever wanted.

I turn slowly on my stool, both as an attempt to play it cool and to keep my head from hurtin' again.

"Good morning," I drawl, my voice low and croaky.

The smile spreads across my face slowly at the sight of her standing in my kitchen. She is just perfect in her tiny white running shorts and matching tank top. The color makes her look tanner, and I like the flush in her cheeks.

And then I feel like a total pansy for thinkin' like that.

But then I keep lookin'. Her long, dark hair is pulled up into a high ponytail that spirals down to lay over one shoulder. It's held there by a blue and gold bow – very appropriate for a cheerleader.

Go Panthers.

I try not to look at the six dangling around a dainty chain on her neck. Definitely not my number.

The light coming in from the front windows behind her makes her look like an angel.

Fuck, what a chick thing to notice. This girl is goin' to be the death of me.

She stands in my kitchen, hands grasped behind her back, shifting her weight from side to side nervously. She studies the ground and bites her lip, like she can't decide what in the hell she's doin' in my kitchen on this early Saturday morning.

Like she wants to be here but she knows she shouldn't.

I feel the same, when I really think about.

So I don't think about it.

I just focus on her tiny waist and prefect tits. I focus on the little drop of sweat on her collarbone and the memory of her moaning my name. I think about how her skin tastes and the little strip of mid drift visible, peaking out between all that white.

I am in awe of her. Always have been, always will be.

"Hungry?" I ask because it doesn't look like she's gonna find the courage to speak anytime soon. I waggle my bagel in her direction, trying to get her to come close enough to touch. It works and she takes a hesitant step forward, and then another. "It's not much," I mutter as I bring it to her mouth, wishing I had something fancier to give her.

I've been wishin' I had somethin' fancier to give her since I was about twelve years old. Somethin' fittin' of Bella Marie Swan.

She looks up at me from underneath her long, dark lashes, never taking her eyes off mine as she takes a bite. It's seductive and innocent at the same time, coy.

I smile at her and she lets out a little giggle, covering her mouth as she chews. Her giggle goes right to my dick, makin' a quick detour to my heart on the way.

I wonder what she'd do if I told her how I really felt.

"It's good," she says, smiling when she shallows. The muscles of her long neck entrance me as they move. She blushes vibrantly, studying the ground again. I clear my throat and try to get a hold of myself.

"So that's why you're over here so early," I say, pulling her closer with a hand at the small of her back and talking in her ear. She shivers slightly before looking me right in the eye. "Breakfast?"

Our faces are so close, I can smell the strawberry cream cheese on her breath. And it's not even gross. It's great, actually. Sexy as fuck.

"No." Her mouth deliberately wraps around the word but barely a sound comes out. It's enough. It's all the justification I need to lower my lips to hers, and it doesn't matter how wrong this is. Nothin' else matters but Bella in my arms.

I kiss her lazily, slowly. The perfect way to kiss a hang over away on a bright Saturday morning.

Bella clutches at my t-shirt, moaning slightly as I touch her tongue with my own. She opens to me, clings to me, and I turn my stool so she can stand right in between my legs. I slide mostly off the stool so my feet hit the floor. I still tower over Bella, even leaning like this.

I slip my hands under her tank, feeling the bumps of her spine and enjoying her skin, damp and hot from her run over here. She slips her arms around my neck, fisting one hand in my too-long hair while she twists her leg around mine. It's like she's trying to climb up my body. Her obvious want for me only makes me hotter. For so long, it felt like all I ever did was want her without her wanting me back. It's a relief and a turn on, having her come over here for me like this.

We continue to kiss and I can't take it anymore. Her hands run over my chest and arms, even as she keeps me close. She tastes so good and feels so good, I almost can't breathe.

Such a fucking chick. If only they could see big, bad, broody Cullen now – losing his head over a lady. The wrong lady. The perfect lady.

"Bella," I groan out as she rolls her hips. For a good girl, she sure knows how to move for a man.

Her answering whimper sends me over the edge, and I abruptly stand, knocking the stool over as I pull Bella into my arms. I cradle her tight little ass and her shapely legs wrap around my waist.

Kicking beer bottles and assorted clutter out of the way, I move with Bella in my arms towards my bedroom. Part of me wants to detour to the couch, but there is somethin' just so damn wrong about taking Bella Swan on a old, sticky, stained with who knows what, leather couch.

I go down the short hall to my room instead. Not that this is much better. All I got is a mattress on the wood floor and dirty clothes thrown all over the place. I was so embarrassed, the first time I brought her here.

At least I took down all the posters of hotties in swimwear when this became a regular thing.

I'm still a little embarrassed, but I lay her down before gently lowering myself onto her anyway. She reaches for the hem of my t-shirt, and I help her pull it off. That long, graceful neck of hers comes towards me, ready to kiss me again, but I pause, taking a moment to just look down at her on my bed.

"What's wrong?" she whispers, biting her lip and blushing. Timidly, she reaches up and tucks a chunk of my hair behind my ear.

I'm beyond words and I just slowly shake my head at her before bending to kiss her again – lips, high cheek bones, straight little nose, eyelids. I pull the ribbon out of her hair and undress her slowly.

Even when we're both naked and panting against each other, I take my time – teasing her, teasing me. I go so slow, because I can. Because this time might be our last. Because I want her to know how I feel even if I can't say the words.

I would tell her, too. If only she was mine to say the words to.

I memorize everything, the way she moves, her sounds, the looks that flash over her face.

When I'm finally inside her, it's so good I almost can't take it. My heart is too full, my lugs can't get the air they need. I move and she moves and it's too good, so good it hurts.

She throws her head back in a silent cry before coming apart around me. I join her a moment later and I swear it's the closest to God I'll ever be.

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><p>I met Bella Swan the very day she moved to Dillon. Her daddy went away to play college ball after taking the Panthers to State in '72. He stayed away after he met her momma and he made a fortune using his famous face to sell cars after he blew his knee out doing a year in the pros.<p>

Charlie Swan was somethin' of a Dillon legend.

Twenty-five years after takin' the Panthers to State, Charlie brought his family home to Dillon. He opened one of his famous Chevy dealerships and became just about the richest dude this side of Odessa.

I met Bella Swan because I was best friends with the son of the second richest family in town, even though I wasn't supposed to be. We were inseparable since kindergarten, Jasper and me, much to the displeasure of Mrs. Whitlock. I like to think I've grown on her. She does feed me an awful lot.

Anyway, the rich families tend to stick together so I met Bella Swan the summer before seventh grade.

Bella was beautiful, even then, but in seventh grade boys show their affection with teases and hair pullin'. Jasper and I were havin' none of that, and we became quite the little threesome. Mikey Newton tripped Bella durin' a game of kickball, Jazz and I beat him up, and the three of us became fast friends.

We were both mostly in love with her from the moment we saw her, but Jazz was the one she ended up with.

And that makes sense. That's the way it should be.

Bella and Jasper were basically made for each other. She's the good girl cheerleader. He's the all-American quarterback. Their families are friends. They both go to the same church, want to get married right out of college, and move on to the 2.3 babies and white picket fence. They are the perfect, it couple at Dillon High.

So I wasn't even mad when Jasper took Bella to the eighth grade dance. I was already pretty familiar with how the world works, even when it sucked which was most of the time. The differences between my life and Jaspers were always apparent so why wouldn't he get Bella Swan?

The two of them made sense to me, even at thirteen. Even if I hated it.

Because she's the perfect Bella Swan with the church going family and I'm bad boy Edward Cullen, kid from the wrong side of the tracks.

When they were still around, my parents were the town drunks. They were loud and inebriated and fightin' all over town. I didn't have a lot of supervision. I smoked my first cigarette at ten, was drinkin' by the time I was twelve, and lost my virginity to one of my big brother's girlfriends at age thirteen.

I'm not a nice boy.

Bella Swan deserves so much more.

But even all that logic couldn't keep me from loving her, even though she belonged to and with my best friend.

I was just thankful that I could spend anytime with her at all. She was my best friend's girl, so it wasn't weird that I was nice to her when I treated all the other girls I used like shit. It was fine to be her friend.

And she was always there for me.

Like when both my parents left for good the summer before I started high school and I had to move in with my twenty-two-year-old brother. She was the one that made sure I went to football practice and didn't fail out of any classes. She was the one that set a big glass of water and Advil out when it had been a long night.

She was the one who told me she was praying for me every time I'd fuck one of my replacements.

She doesn't know I call them that, but it's what they are. Replacement Bellas.

I can talk to her. She's all I have. Her and Jazz. And Emmett too, I guess.

I did pretty good hidin' it, I think. I slept around, a lot. I used girls and then never talked to them again, a lot. I partied, a lot. But they stayed my best friends.

And as much as I hated watching the two of them together, seeing them smile, hearing about the beautiful time they gave their virginities to each other, I did it. I was a good friend to both of them. As much as all that made me sick to see them so happy, I did it.

But then, last year, things started to change. Or, I guess, Jasper started to change. Junior year he became football obsessed. And this is Dillon so everybody is pretty football obsessed, but Jasper became crazed.

He's good, my best friend. Best QB in the great state of Texas, 76% completion record, all-American, poised to lead our team to State this year. Football and getting in to the best possible college to play football became everything to Jasper. He has big plans and instead of making her own dream, Bella seems to be following his.

He's so fucking focused on football, that when Bella's whole world fell apart at the beginning of this summer, he barely even noticed.

Turns out, good ol' Charlie Swan was screwing Barbara Denali on the side. The whole thing came out after church one Sunday when Barbara slapped the shit out of Charlie in front of everyone.

Denali women do not like to be dumped. I would know.

It was all over school and Bella was just so humiliated and hurt, both by her dad and by the whispers of our peers. We promised her things would get better, that we would have the summer to just be. But then Jasper abruptly left for a three-month football camp. He left Bella all alone in her time of need with barely even a goodbye.

Now, it's not about her at all. It's about what he wants, want he needs to grow his football career. I've watched as her dreams have shifted to fit his. And I hated it. This thing with him leaving so suddenly was the final fucking straw.

Or at least what I tell myself.

That's how I justify it, sleeping with my best friend's girl, but mostly that's just bullshit.

I'm sleeping with her because I'm not a good guy. I'm the bad kid and I want her, so I do want I want. Fuck the consequences.

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><p>Bella stirs in my arms and I reluctantly open my eyes. I find her looking directly at me with those deep chocolate browns of hers. She's worried. I can tell my the little furrow between her brows.<p>

"Go back to bed," I instruct, closing my eyes again and cuddling her close.

"I can't," she replies with a slight whine, attempting to get out of my grasp.

"You can," I say, planting a sloppy kiss on her neck.

"Edward!" she says with a shriek and a giggle. "You let go of me right this minute. We're burn' daylight!"

I like her little Texas twang. Its slight, given her somewhere-outside-Texas upbringing but in the five years since she moved here she's picked up a few things.

"You got nothin' else to do," I say, continuing to kiss and tickle her. "It's still summer for a few more weeks yet."

At my words her whole body tenses and I know I've said the wrong thing because when summer ends, Jasper will be back.

"Let me go," she says slowly and deliberately. I do as she instructs, trying to ignore the pain it causes when she slips out of my bed and stands, bringing my old faded sheet around her body.

She's still so insecure about her body. It makes me wonder what Jasper's telling her, and I immediately hate myself for even thinking about him at a time like this. Or thinking about him and her at all.

Suddenly I feel the need to hurt someone. Bad.

With my head against my pillow, I watch with half an eye as she finds her clothes and gets dressed.

"I don't want you to leave," I say petulantly. And I shouldn't. I don't ask anything from her. That's how it's been this summer. Expect for the first couple times, I let her come to me. I follow her lead.

But I feel myself startin' to panic as our time comes to an end.

And usually I'm so good at livin' in the moment.

"Don't say that," Bella says quietly, not meeting my gaze.

"You're beautiful."

She cracks a small smile. "Don't say that either."

"It's true."

"We can't keep doing this, Edward."

Her words break my heart, which is double, shitty because it forces me to admit I have a heart at all. Bella has always gotten though my tough guy exterior. It's not the first time I've cursed this weakness.

"So what, Jazz comes home and you're done with me? We just forget everything that happened this summer?" I demand, suddenly angry.

"Stop pretending like we've had some sort of giant love affair," she snaps back, narrowing her eyes at me as she pulls her hair roughly into a ponytail. "That's not what you do. You don't do romance. It's just s…sex."

She stutters over the word. Despite how much she is trying to be _that_ girl – the one that's completely okay getting her kicks from her boyfriend's best friend to scratch the itch while he's away for the summer – she can't quite pull it off. She's a good girl at heart. The guilt must be eatin' at her.

It's eatin' at me too.

"Is that really how you feel?" I ask, closing my eyes. I feel like I'm laying it all on the line. It's as much as I can give her.

"I don't…" she starts. "I can't… I just—"

All of a sudden I can't handle her rejection. I don't want to hear her say it. She's going to choice him over me and I can't bare it.

"Never mind," I say, loudly, cutting her off.

She stands fully dressed at the end of my bed, rolling a hair tie in her fingers and avoiding my eyes.

"I just don't even know who I am anymore, you know?" she murmurs, still not looking at me. "I don't recognize myself."

"Well I recognize you," I reply. "You're Bella Swan, the most beautiful girl in all of West Texas."

She lets out a big half sigh, half laugh, and I sit up because the only thing I can't bare more than the thought of her leaving is the thought of her crying. I hope I didn't make her cry, but she seems okay. A little smile even seems to be tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"You gonna be at Newton's tonight?" I ask, changing the subject.

She's quite for a long time, just staring down at me like all the answers are written somewhere on my face. Abruptly she leans down to give me a quick kiss.

"I'll be there," she assures me.

And then she's gone, leaving me wondering – as I always do – if that was the last time.


	2. Running, Running

**Hello and welcome to chapter 2 of my new story! Thanks for reading. **

**So the thing about this story is that I borrow some stuff from the tv show Friday Night Lights. I won't really being following the story line there and there is no need to be familiar with the show in order to get the story.**

**Okay. **

**Enough of my blathering.**

**I don't own anything.**

**Here's Bella.**

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><p>"How's the house?" my mother asks. I press my forehead against our sliding glass door, looking out at our fancy pool and deck area, to the green grass beyond. Her question irritates me. The house is a house. What could happen to it?<p>

"Fine, Mom," I reply with a sigh. "The house is fine. How's Hawaii?"

We've had pretty much this same conversation ever couple days since my parents left a week ago. They went to go save their marriage and find themselves as a couple – my mother's words, not mine.

It feels a little like being abandoned, left alone in a town where every citizen feels personally betrayed by my dad's infidelity. He's a good old boy, hometown hero, former football great. Good old boy's aren't supposed to cheat on their wives with their secretaries.

Or at least they aren't supposed to get caught.

But I can't exactly judge him anymore. I'm no better.

My mom talks my ear off about the weather and the sunshine and the beach. She fails to mention anything real, like how she can even stand to be in the same room as a man whose caused her such public humiliation.

And it's not like I want them to break up. They are my parents, but I feel like he needs to be punished somehow. It's like my mom is telling him its all okay when it isn't. What I really want is to go back to seeing them like I saw them just a few sort months ago.

Back then, I thought we were perfect.

Stupid thing to think, I know that now.

I can't even stand to look at our perfect backyard, sight to hundreds of perfect family dinners and perfect neighborhood barbeques. With a frustrated huff that Mom doesn't even notice, I push away from the door and stomp off to my room, continuing to listen with half an ear as she talks about how much she loves island life.

"You know, Bella," she says as I flop face down on my bed. "I could really get used to this. Sometimes I don't know how I'll ever leave!"

I'm not surprised to here this. Anywhere has to be preferable to Dillon when everyone knows that your perfect husband is a liar and a cheat. Although I think people feel genuinely betrayed by Charlie, sometimes I think they're enjoying my family's pain.

People like that the mighty have fallen.

"How's Jasper, baby?" she asks me when I don't respond to her gushing. Hearing my boyfriend's name makes me wince.

"He's good, Mom," I reply, struggling to sound normal. I'm convinced something in my tone will give me away, will let her know that I really am daddy's little girl. I'm following right in his cheating footsteps and I can't seem to stop. "He's real busy with football. I don't get to talk to him much."

I'm terrified Jasper will be able to hear the difference in my voice too. I want so badly to be the girl he fell in love with all those years ago, but I'm just not anymore. I don't know who I am. All I know is that I'm angry at my father for doing the same thing I'm doing. All I know is I'm not good.

"That's really too bad. You're not that lonely are you? We could fly home if you need us." She offers knowing full well I would never make them do it.

"Don't worry about me. I'm fine, Momma," I assure her.

"Well I guess you have the girls. And Edward is around this summer. Not that I like you spending too much time with him. He's a bad influence. I just do not understand why you and Jasper put up with that boy."

Her words have a whole lot of conflict storming in me. First, there is the guilt. Always these days there is the guilt. For cheating. For hurting my boyfriend. For ruining my relationships with two of the most important people in my life. For not missing Jasper more. For not being more lonely.

And then there is the anger. I want to scream at my mom. To defend Edward. To make her understand what a good person he is – ignoring the fact that he is sleeping with his best friend's girlfriend. But I can hardly condemn him for that.

I'm the one that keeps going back to him.

I plan on responding with something neutral. I plan on telling her I'm doin' fine and not having any crazy parties or anything like that.

Instead, I tell her what I've been thinking since Barbara Denali slapped my father at church right before school let out.

"I don't know what makes me sicker - my father for being a cheating hypocrite, you for staying with him, and Barbara Denali for making the whole thing public."

The words seem to burst out of me and I immediately wish I could take them back. This whole situation isn't her fault. I don't want to make her feel worse than she already does. I know it can't be easy for her. That's why I haven't made her talk to me about it.

Until now. Apparently.

Besides her initial sharp intake of breath, she is quite for a real long time. I'm silent too, not knowing what to say.

"Mom, I'm sorry," I say when it becomes too much. "Shouldn't of said all that."

"No, you shouldn't of," she replies, sounding so sad it just about breaks my heart. I impatiently wipe at the tears on my cheeks. Don't even know when they got there. "Bella, what would you have me do?"

"What do you mean?"

"I just… I've built this whole life around being Charlie Swan's wife. I'm not going to start over because your father messed up. I like my life. Why should I have to give it up?"

"Okay," I say, understanding and not understanding at the same time.

"Everything is going to be okay, Bella. We love you."

She doesn't say anything about them loving each other.

"I love you too."

"I'll call you in a few days."

We hang up and I don't move for a while. I just cry face down into my comforter, wishing I recognized anything about what my life's become. My dad's affair has made me question everything. I used to believe that Jasper and I would have just what my parents had. I wanted it so bad, believed in it so unconditionally.

Everything is different now.

Suddenly, I can't stand to be around myself. I can't stand to be alone.

I sit up, reaching for my phone. My finger hovers over the three button, wanting to speed dial him so badly. A few months ago, I wouldn't of even hesitated. Edward has always been the person I talk it out with. Jasper doesn't have the patience for the emotional stuff, but Edward's a real good listener. He never says much. Just listens.

But I'm pretty sure I've lost that now. We've had sex. He's been inside me, and I don't know if we'll ever be the same again.

I told myself last time would be the last time.

So I call someone else instead.

"Wanna come over?"

"Give me an hour."

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><p>"Slut, slut, whore, bitch." I sit on my stomach, tracing patterns on my purple comforter as I watch my friend describe all the girls on our class, pointing at their pictures in the yearbook.<p>

"Rosalie, what a hateful thing to do," I admonish, horrified by how mean she's being.

What would she say about me? If only she knew. Earlier in the summer I wanted to tell her just to tell someone, to talk it out. She obviously couldn't handle that information. That much is clear from this little exercise.

"I swear Irina has had her nose done since this picture was taken. What an ugo." She doesn't even look up from where she sitting on the floor with her legs crossed, leaning with her back against my bed.

"Rosalie, that is enough of that. Give me my yearbook." I reach down and try to wrestle it out of her grip, almost falling off my bed in the process. And I don't even get it away from her.

"Why should I stop?" she asks, scooting away from my reach and taking a long sip of wine. "What else is there to do?"

"I just don't want to hear it," I say primly.

"Are you sure you don't want to go out?" she whines, flipping her long blonde hair over her shoulder and pleading at me with those bright blue eyes.

She is such a Barbie.

"I'm sure I don't want to go out."

"I hear the boys are at The Landing Strip," she chortles, waggling her eyebrows at me.

I snort at her. "Tempting," I drawl. "But no. Don't really have any desire to spend the evening in that menagerie of sin."

Rose throws a pillow at me.

"Seriously, Swan, it's just a strip club. You are such a prude."

Again, if only she knew where I've been sneaking off to on a regular basis. She probably wouldn't even believe it. Most of the time, I don't even believe it.

Not that it's going to happen again.

"And a grandma," she continues, going back to flipping through the yearbook. "Wanting to stay in on a Friday night. It's such a waste of this big, empty house. We better have one big blow out before your parents get back."

"It's girls night," I say, defending myself.

"Then where are the rest of the girls?" Rosalie asks. She finishes off her glass of wine and reaches for the bottle.

The truth is, I don't have the energy to deal with the rest of the girls. With Rose, I can be melancholy. She doesn't judge or expect me to be a certain way. And in someway, she gets it. Her daddy ran off with a waitress when she was thirteen.

I feel all this pressure to be Bella Swan with our other girlfriends. I feel like then need me to be happy and cheerleaderish and like I was.

"Drink up, my little swan," Rosalie says, noticing that my drink remains untouched on my nightstand. "It's not girls night until someone voms."

I roll my eyes at her typical flamboyantness, but gulp down the beverage anyway. The booze helps with all this guilt and sorrow.

"Thata girl," Rose says, nodding in approval.

I silently accept the bottle when she hands it to me, pouring myself a generous amount.

"Aw, look at this picture." Rosalie shuffles closer to me again, lifting the yearbook so I can get a good look. My heart lurches in my chest when I see what she's pointing at. "The Awesome Threesome."

The photo was taken last fall at lunch. It's of Jasper, Edward, and me. Jazz is on the end, his arm casually thrown over my shoulder as he smiles that all-American smile, lookin' right at the camera. I'm in the middle, leaning forward and laughing, my grin wide and my eyes scrunched. Edward is next to me, slouched low with his arms crossed over his chest. His whole vibe, from his posture to his cocky, crooked smirk, just oozes that "I don't give a fuck" attitude of his, but he's staring at me. Dark glasses hide his eyes, so I can't tell if he was lookin' at me then like he looks at me now.

I wonder how long he's looked at me like that. I wonder if I just didn't notice until this summer.

I stare at that photo and worry that I've ruined everything.

"Too bad Edward and I didn't work out," Rosalie muses, totally oblivious to my silence and turning the page. "The four of us could have doubled dated. It would have been just like the OC! Damn, I loved that show. We should watch the whole first season. That's a good girls night activity."

Although I hear Rosalie ramble , I can't focus on her words. I'm too busy raging at her internally for having anything to ever do with Edward. In this moment, I hate her for ever touching him. I hate the thought of them as a couple.

Not that they were ever really a couple. Edward doesn't do couples.

It's a little shocking to realize that I'm jealous. I have absolutely no right to be jealous.

I'm sleeping with my boyfriend's best friend and I have no right to be jealous.

The first time, I told myself it was a mistake, an act of comfort taken too far. I was upset because my daddy wasn't the man I thought he was and Edward was there. I told myself it was a one-time thing. A one-time mistake.

The second time, I convinced myself that I was seduced. Edward said he couldn't stop thinking about me. Who could resist that?

The third time, I had to realize that I'm a terrible person - just like my daddy. The physical had just gotten the best of me. That's all. I resolved to stop because I was strong enough to avoid the temptation of the flesh.

The forth time, I started to feel something else. Something so big and scary, I avoid thinking about it too much.

In all the times since, I still don't think about it.

"Bella, hello." I snap out of it, realizing that Rosalie is waving her hand in my face. "What is your deal tonight?"

"I talked to my mom today," I reply, deciding to tell her as much of the truth as I can. "She basically told me that she's staying with my dad because she likes being Charlie Swan's wife too much."

Rosalie snorts and I know Renee has offended her feminist sensibilities.

"No offense, Bella," she says. "But your mom is kinda a trophy wife. I'm never gonna let a man have that much power over my life. No way, no how."

I've never thought about my parent's relationship that way, although I suppose it makes sense. My mom is beautiful and my dad is rich. I always assumed they were wildly in love.

Is that how its going to be for me when Jasper goes pro and we get married?

I try not to cry. Rosalie has no patience for tears

"Ah, hell," she says, catching me wiping at my eyes.

She abruptly gets up, fiddling around with my DVD player and returning with the remote. Rose tugs at my blankets of my previously neatly made bed, forcing me to scoot over. We crawl between the sheets together. She pulls my head to her shoulder and wraps an arm around me.

"There, there, Bella," she says, patting my head in a surprisingly motherly fashion. "At least you aren't Marissa Cooper. You're daddy's still rich!"

I fall asleep next to Rose after only an episode, feeling oddly comforted. Still, I wish it was Edward next to me.

I'm such a terrible person.

* * *

><p>Rosalie is a bed hog and I get up early the next morning. I'm restless and my head hurts from too much wine and not enough water. I think about waking Rose and dragging her to get breakfast, but I feel the need to move. My limbs are restless.<p>

I drink about a gallon of water, scrawl her a note explaining myself, and pull on my running shoes.

The rhythmic pounding of my feet keeps my mind blank and it's still early enough that the heat isn't murdering me quite yet. I don't think. I just feel the strain in my muscles and the sweat on my brow.

My mind is so empty, I'm a little shocked to find my feet have taken me to Edward's place. It's small and shabby, but Edward always said it was the one good thing his momma ever did for her boys. She inherited it and gave it to Emmett when he turned eighteen.

She gave them shelter but I think Edward would have rather had her love.

I walk up and down his front steps three times before standing in front of his door.

I shouldn't go in. This is so wrong. I have to stop. I told myself last time would be the end of it. He's probably not even up yet.

I tap lightly the front door, not expecting a response. Maybe I'll just peak in on him. I haven't seen him in four days and I miss him. Maybe I'll crawl in to bed with him and take a little nap with my head on his shoulder.

"It's open."

For a minute I think I imagined his voice. Why on earth is he up at this hour?

Although I could still leave, my curiosity gets the best of me. I open the door simply to find out why Edward Cullen is up before noon for the first time in the history of Saturdays.

My heart rate picks up as I see him hunched over the breakfast bar with his head down. His grey t-shirt is pulled tight across his back. And what a back it is, best back I've ever seen.

I blush when I remember digging my fingernails in to it not long ago.

"Good morning," I say quietly, not wanting to disturb the peace of the moment or spoil all this tenderness I feel.

He sits up, turning slowly on his stool to face me and my breath catches in my chest. He really is too damn beautiful with his green eyes, pouty lips, strong jaw, and tousled bronze hair.

How in the world am I supposed to stop when he looks like that?

"Good morning," he replies.

And then he smiles, completely ruining all chances I have of getting out of here unscathed.

It's not his typical cocky bastard grin. This smile is special, sweet. It slowly and crookedly spreads in that way that lights up his whole face. It's a smile I've only seen a few times. It's a smile I've only seen him give me this summer.

That big, scary thing that has been tugging at me for the last few weeks is back.

It's the smile that tells me I'm in trouble.

* * *

><p><strong>So this chapter is just some short set up. We get a more Edward and Bella next chapter. If you review I may be inspired to write a <em>whole<em> lot more E & B (if you know what I mean, wink, wink) and have it up this weekend too. I'm just sayin'.**


	3. Stick a Needle in my Eye

**Chapter 3 of the little fic I never intended to write (except it's already gonna be a lot longer than I originally thought). I kinda love it though. I'm really entertaining myself trying to write the accent. It's so fun! Let me know what you think.**

* * *

><p>EPOV<p>

The best thing about sleeping with the star quarterback's girl – when said QB is at football camp for the summer – is that no other dudes mess with her. It's a well known fact that she's off the market. Guys on the team or nobodies from our school don't hit on her. The rare outsider gets the message pretty quick.

That's the thing about a football team, they protect their leader. Their own.

What the fuck would they do to me if they ever found out? Nothing I don't deserve, that's for sure.

Anyway, the point is I don't have to worry about any dudes gettin' on Bella as she dances with her fellow cheerleader friends on the other side of the party. And what a party it is. The music is loud, the night is warm, and the booze is flowin'. Bella's enjoying it with her best friends, Rosalie Hale, Angela Weber, Lauren Mallory, and Jessica Stanley.

I come to the unfortunate realization that I've slept with all of them, sans Angela.

I down my mostly full beer to disguise my discomfort at this thought before kicking Jake Black off the cooler to get another. He tosses me a bottle before sitting back down.

"Is that Coach's daughter?" Tyler Crowley asks, nodding to a spot to the left of Bella. I drag my eyes away from her dancing for a moment to see who the linebacker is referring to. I haven't seen Alice Masen before, but I've heard the shit ton of gossip circling, even if I do try to avoid that crap.

New people in a small town are always a big fucking deal.

The tiny girl is sitting cross-legged on top of a barrel, swaying in time with the music and nursing a beer. She's super tiny and clothed all in black: tight black dress, black tights, black boots. Even her hair is dark and cut real short. It's spiked up, makin' her look a little too punk rock for Dillon, Texas.

"I heard she's a dyke," Mikey whispers, leaning in and grinning like the idiot he is. "I mean, check out that hair!"

I roll my eyes and punch him in the shoulder.

"Who gives a fuck?" I ask , scowling at him. I've always found the kid pretty annoying and just plain stupid.

"Dunno, I think she's kinda hot," says Tyler, still lookin' at the coach's daughter. "I'd bang her."

"You're as fucking stupid as Mike," I tell him. "Coach's daughter? Don't want to go there, buddy."

"Yeah," he says, rubbing the back of his neck and lookin' embarrassed. "Guess you're right."

"So, EC," Jake says, scooting his cooler/seat closer to my camp chair. I just continue to watch Bella over the fire, not really giving my teammate much attention. "What'd you think of the coach?"

I shrug in response but am thankful for the subject change.

Part of the whole bad boy thing is little to no verbal communication. Plus, I usually don't really ever like talkin' to people. Some times I think in a different life I would have turned out to be the shy, anti-social kid.

But there's no way to be shy when you're gotta survive, when you've gotta stick up for yourself.

"Yeah, you're right," Jake continues. "Guess it's too soon to tell what with it being summer and Jazz not even bein' around."

"He's been Jazz's personal QB coach for a couple years," points out Ben Cheney, star running back. "That's got to be a good sign."

Again, I nod in agreement. From what I've heard, Carlisle Masen is a good guy. Tough, but good. I'll do what he says on the field as long as he leaves me alone off. The thing about a lot of these young, inexperienced coaches is they forget it's just about football. They try to be father figures.

The last thing I need is a father figure.

"We start two a days in a couple weeks," says Jake. "Guess we'll find out then. He's already been pretty tough in the weight room and work outs."

"It's good that he's tough. He's making us work. He wants State as bad as we do," Ben replies. "You gonna show up drunk to morning practice this year too, Cullen?"

Ben gives me a good-natured punch in the shoulder and laughs. I grin back at him before going back to watching the fire and Bella beyond. To most it'd look like I'm staring at the flames contemplatively. Or worst case I could be checking out any of the girls Bella is laughing with.

Neither of these activities would be unusual for me. No one suspects I'm really picturing my best friend's girl naked. Or that I've seen her naked.

Damn, what the fuck am I doin'?

"I would never show up drunk to morning practice," I drawl with a grin. "It's hung over to morning practice and drunk in the afternoon."

They all have a good laugh at this.

Truth is, they are all far too serious about football to ever pull shit like that. It must drive them crazy that I'm such a slacker about the sport and still the best.

The difference is, I don't care about being the best. I just like hittin' people.

"Hey there, Ed." Tanya Denali slinks in to my lap, pushing her tits into my face and grinding her ass in to my dick. I give her a lazy smile out of habit. I haven't been with her – or anyone else for that matter – since Bella, but nobody needs to know that.

"Tanya," I greet, finishing my beer. I hand her the empty. "Would you?"

She smiles in a way I'm sure is meant to be seductive before leaning over me and deliberately pressing her tits into my chest as she gets me another. She keeps her predatory gaze locked on my eyes as she straightens back up and pops the top off the bottle.

And she is hot. No denying that. She's good too, in that sorta scary, out of control way. Tanya is basically me in female form, so it makes sense that we got together from time to time. During second semester last year, I would even say that we were datin' pretty regularly. It wasn't monogamous or nothin', but we had fun.

I lost what little interest I had in her when her mom humiliated Bella in front of the whole church crowd. Tanya was pissed, and I didn't give a reason. This is the first I've really seen of her since then.

"Where you been, baby?" she purrs, taking a sip of her own brew. I notice the way her plump red lips wrap around the bottle. Bella's wider smile is so much more appealing.

"Around," I reply with a shrug.

Truth is, I've spent my summer working with my brother, staying in shape with the team, or hopin' Bella will come by. It hasn't been a big party summer for me. It's too hard to keep my secret around other people. This is the first bash I've been to in a good long while.

"There's lots of rumors 'bout that," Tanya muses, running her long, red fingernails over my arm. I tense at her words, but somehow manage to play it cool.

"Oh yeah?" I ask casually, smirking a little at her. "Like what?"

"Like you have a pretty little thing you don't want no one to know 'bout," Tanya replies. She shifts on my lap and I can't help my dick from noticing because she's still hot and I'm still horny eighteen year old dude. "People say she's from another town. Or that she's a teacher and she'll get fire if anyone hears about your affair."

I throw my head back and laugh at that one, even if it hits a little too close to home.

"People sure have big imaginations in this town," I mutter, shaking my head.

"You're certainly up to somethin', Eddie," Tanya insists, tapping on my chest to emphasize her words. "I've checked with all your favorite rally girls and they all say the same thing. They haven't had you in their beds since we broke up."

"Howa bout that," I drawl, going back to watching Bella. I frown when I see she's no longer across the fire with her friends.

"Do you know what that tells me?" Tanya asks, her voice dropping low as she moves her face closer to mine.

I don't respond and just wait in bored silence for her answer. I'm tired of this conversation. The only reason I let it go on this long is to see if there were any whispers out there about Bella and I. Tanya would not be nice or shy about it if she knew anything. She'd have my head.

Tanya and Bella are pretty much archenemies, especially after the whole parental affair thing.

"It tells me that you miss me," she coos, shocking the shit out of me.

I raise a skeptical eyebrow at her.

"It tells me that nothin' satisfies after you've had me," she whispers in my ear, gripping my button up with her talons.

"Dream big, Tanya," I say, reaching around her for another beer.

Tanya laughs as looks like she's about to reply but then she glances up, glaring.

"Nothin' to see here, Swan," Tanya spits out with so much venom I have to resist the urge to throw her off my lap and into the dirt.

I don't like no one talkin' to Bella that way.

I look up to see Bella lookin' beautiful, even with the frown marring her pretty face. Her hair is loose and wavy, tumbling around her shoulders in a silky way that makes me what to touch it. Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are glassy so I know she's had at least one beer to many.

"Hey there, Isabella," I say, smiling warmly.

"Edward," she says through a clenched jaw. Damn, I can tell by her tone and the fisted hands at her sides that she's spittin' mad. And I can't say I'm surprised. She sure hates Tanya Denali. "You promised to give me a ride home."

My eyes rake over her body. I take in her lose pink tank top and grey sweater that does nothing to hide her curves. And then there are the jeans. Damn, those jeans.

Jeans are somethin' of an artform to the good women of Texas. It takes a lot to find and wear the perfect pair of good denims that hug all the right places.

Bella has mastered said art.

Her jeans are tight and worn low, so soft lookin' you can tell they are nice and broken in. They follow the line of her leg until they flare out slightly at the calf, right over her boots.

And then there's the ass.

I can't even think about the things Bella's jeans do to her ass with Tanya Denali in my lap. That is sure to sent the wrong message.

"EC actually has other plans for the night," Tanya says, wrapping her arm around my shoulders. "Ain't that right, baby?"

Bella turns a nice shade of purple. You can practically see the smoke coming out of her ears.

And I don't delude myself into thinkin' she cares enough to be jealous. Not once has Bella expressed any sort of jealousy over the company I keep. She's called me a sinner and shook her head at me in disapproval on moral grounds, but she's never been jealous.

Now's the same. She ain't jealous. She just can't stand Tanya.

"I'm comin'," I say to Bella, ignoring Tanya's huff of indignation. I finish my beer in a series of deep chugs before standing. Tanya is stupid enough to be startled by my move, even though I gave her fair warning, and she almost falls on her ass in the dirt. Unfortunately she catches herself before glaring and me and stalking off.

"You ready?" I ask Bella without a second glance at Tanya.

The good thing about sleeping with your best friend's girl is that nobody is the least bit suspicious when you give her a ride home in his absence.

He even told me to watch out for her while he's away.

Shit, there's a stab of that guilt that is becoming all too familiar. I've always known I'm a bad kid, but I didn't think I was this bad. I've reached new lows, even for me. Before this thing with Bella, I lived with no guilt. No regrets.

Then again you can't really regret something your still doin' and I don't feel guilty enough to stop.

"I don't know," she snaps back, crossing her arms over her chest. "Are you ready? I don't want to get in the way of your plans for the evening."

I sigh, not wanting her to be pissy with me. But I've had just enough alcohol to be too mellow to really care.

"My only plan for the evening was to bring you to this party and to bring you home," I tell her, pulling my hood over my head and pushing my hands into the pockets of my jean jacket.

It's a little chilly when the breeze blows. I shouldn't have worn shorts.

"Fine. Let's go, then." When she pulls away from me to say her goodbyes she's got a big ol' smile on her face. She hugs all her friends and you would have no idea she's upset. Her ability to hide her emotions is a little scary.

"You out, EC?" Tyler Crowley calls, looking up from where is flirting outrageously with Lauren.

"Yup. See y'all later." I give a final wave before moving towards my truck. Bella falls into step with me a moment later and we walk around the side of Mikey's house to my truck in tense silence.

"Are you even alright to drive?" she demands as I open the passenger's door for her. This is not a move I would normally do. I shouldn't be doing anything gentlemanly for her at all, but my guard is down. Lucky no ones around.

"Just get in the truck, Swan," I mumble, having no desire to fight with her. I offer her a hand up, something she ignores. She slams the door and I sigh as I shuffle around to the driver's side.

We head back to town, bumping along the country road in silence. She is obviously fuming mad, and I don't really get it. I want to ask her where I'm taking her, if she'll stay with me tonight, but I don't dare when she's this pissed.

If she wants me, she can tell me.

"It would have been nice to know when we first started… doing whatever it is we're doin' that you're still sleepin' with Tanya Denali. I mean, that is one high traffic zone right there and her mother only destroyed my family, but whatever."

"I'm not sleepin' with Tanya Denali," I reply, totally focused on the road. This seems like a good idea both because I don't want to see her mad and because I've had a little too much to drink.

"That's not what it looked like to me," she mutters petulantly.

"I've never lied to you, Bella," I reply, remarkably calm, given the circumstances. "Don't see no reason to start now."

Bella lets out a big sigh and slides closer to me on the bench seat, laying her head on my shoulder.

"Promise?" she whispers.

I put my arm around her, pleased that she snuggles close.

"Cross my heart and hope to die," I reply. "Stick a needle in my eye."

She giggles drunkenly, and I smile because I like making her happy.

"I'm sorry," she slurs, sounding sleeping and drunker now that the anger is leaving her. "I just _hate_ her."

Personally, I don't think the situation is anymore Tanya's fault than it is Bella's. I'm sure Tanya is just as hurt by what when down in front of the church as Bella is. But none of this seems like a wise thing to point out in this moment.

"I know," I say instead.

"The thought…of you…and her. The two of you…together. I hate it," Bella continues, her arms tightening around me. This minor expression of possession startles me but again, I attribute it to Bella's all consuming hate for all things Denali.

"I know," I say again.

We drive along in silence for a while. The night is clear and the sky is starry, so big and open and Texas. I listen to Bella's slow breathing and wonder if she's fallen asleep. I wonder if she'll let me touch her tonight.

"The thought of you with anyone…." she murmurs suddenly, surprising me again. "I hate it."

I have no idea what to make of this but the hope her words inspire in me is terrifying. Despite all the complications, I want nothing more than Bella to love me like I love her. But realistically, I know a future for the two of us ain't possible. Even the little glimmer of hope is dangerous. It could destroy me.

It'll be hard enough as it is watching her go back to my best friend. Harboring any hope for us would kill me.

"Where am I takin' you tonight, Miss Swan?" I ask quietly, not wanting to disturb the fragile peace in the cab.

She doesn't reply for a long moment and I think she didn't hear me. I think she fell asleep.

"Your place," she whispers finally.

I send up a little hallelujah, even though I don't believe in God or heaven or any of it.

* * *

><p>The truth is even before all this with Bella this summer, she's been there for me somewhat unconditionally. I may have known Jasper longer, but sometimes I feel closer to Bella.<p>

Jazz, he's great. He's my best friend. We've had a lot of good times. He doesn't judge me for the stupid shit I get in to and he doesn't care that I'm pretty much white trash. Jasper is the kinda buddy that will bail you out of jail, no questions asked.

And he has, on several occasions.

I'll get myself into trouble and Jazz will just shake his head, smiling ruefully.

Jazz has it all, has everything figured out, and he knows it, but he doesn't judge me for being completely opposite. As long as I don't bring him down too much, don't get him in to trouble or fuck up our football season, Jazz let's me get away with just about anything.

There's no fucking way he'd let me get away with this.

Bella is a different sort of friend. Bella pushes. Bella nags. Bella wants more from me. Bella expects too much.

The two times Jazz actually bailed me out of jail – both complete misunderstandings if you ask me – I got such an earful from Bella. She ranted. She raved. She expressed her disappointment and told me to shape up.

"I don't care if your big brother is a complete negligent Neanderthal, which he is, you are better than to go joy riding with the Chief of Police's daughter! I mean, really, Edward. I can't believe you bailed him out Jazz. I would have let him rot for a whole day at least. Maybe you'd learn your lesson. Am I right, Jasper?"

She always turns to Jazz to back her up. He never does.

"Aw, leave him alone, Bells. You know how he is. Just let Edward be Edward."

Bella is one tough cookie, but even so she'll always been there, pushing. And I appreciate it. I really do. It shows that she cares even if she is totally misguided. Even if she expects too much.

Last semester she made me take an ACT prep course and signed me up to do the test. She beamed in pride when I got a 29. Not like it matters. No way am I goin' to college.

She patted my back and then handed me a toothbrush when I puked my guts out, thinkin' I'd knocked up Tia McIntire. I don't know if I'd ever been that scared. Bella silently shoved a box of condoms into a chest when we found out it was a false alarm. Even that made it better somehow.

Always there. That's Bella.

So when, a week after the church incident and two days after Jasper left for football camp, I came home from work to find her sitting on my front stoop, I just wanted to be there for her too.

She was hugging her knees to her chest, her head lay on her knees and facing away from me, so I could see her at first. She was rocking slightly and hiccupping.

I sat down next to her, gently touching her shoulder.

Seeing her tear streaked face and big sad eyes when she turned to me really tore me up on the inside. I just wanted her to be happy, to make her feel better. She stared at me for a long moment before coming into my arms, crying like I'd never seen anyone cry.

I don't really know how it happened.

One moment I was holding her and comforting her and then next we were kissing like our lives depended on it.

I don't even know who kissed who, but it was one hellova kiss.

For the first time in my life, I made love. I made love to Bella Swan that night, and I couldn't even think about anything but how good it was, how right it felt. I was perfect.

Or it would have been if she didn't run off with out so much as a goodbye right after.

She didn't talk to me for two weeks, after our first time. It was terrible especially because I went from the best moment of my life to feeling like I was losing Bella.

I got a little desperate after that. I snuck into her room to wait for her, planning on just talking it out. My main priority was figuring out how to keep my two best friends after what happened. I just wanted to go back to how it was. I missed her.

But then she walked in and she just looked so pretty. Bella was not happy to see me at first and she yelled at me to leave, that she didn't want me there.

"Please, just talk to me, Bella," I pleaded, taking her hand and holding it to my chest.

"I don't know know what to say, Edward," she replied, unable to meet my eye.

"I can't stop thinkin' about you, Bella," I told her.

That time, I know for sure who kissed who. It was me kissin' her, that's for sure. The shocking thing was, she kissed me back.

* * *

><p>By the time we get to my humble abode, Bella is sleeping soundly next to me. With great care as to not wake her, I pull her out of my truck and into my arms. She mumbles my name in her sleep, pleasing me to no end, and pulls her arms around my neck.<p>

I push through our front door, thankful that Emmett never locks it. We have nothin' of value to steal anyhow.

I find my brother alone in front of the TV in his underwear, surrounded by beer bottles. He raises an eyebrow at me, shaking his head in disapproval when he sees who exactly is asleep in my arms.

I think Emmett's suspected something for a while now. This is his confirmation. The look on his face makes me feel ashamed, forces me to remember what exactly I'm doing.

My best friend's girl. My best friend's girl.

I keep thinking that everything's gonna go back to how it was when Jazz get's back, but that's bullshit. Nothings gonna be the same ever again.

My best friend's girl.

I only have a few more weeks with her, so I push down the guilt and ignore my brother's silent judgment and bring my best friend's girl to my bed.

I lay her down gently, moving to tug off one boot and then the other. I discard them, wincing at the noise they make when they hit the hard floor. But Bella doesn't even stir. Next, I take off her cardigan, enjoying the soft skin of her arms under my fingertips. Still, she doesn't wake.

I think about takin' off the world's best pair of jeans.

It seems a little creepy. We've never actually spent the night together before. We have never actually slept in the same bed. I'm nervous and excited to wake up next to her.

I want her to be comfortable. Those tight, tight jeans can't be comfortable to sleep in.

But it's so creepy.

I end up pulling off her jeans, smiling to myself when I reveal her modest pink panties.

Bella has the best underwear. And she wears it under the best jeans.

After pulling a sheet over her – our AC's not great and it is July in Texas – I strip down to my boxers and t-shirt. I lay down next to her, careful not to touch her. I don't want to be presumptuous or creepier than I've already been tonight.

It only takes about five minutes for her to come to me, pulled to me like gravity in her sleep. She cuddles into my side and I let myself relax enough to put an arm around her.

I can't stop looking at her, don't want too, even as my eyes get heavy.

She says my name in her sleep again and I feel like the king of the world. Her sleepy mumble gives me enough energy to watch her for another hour. But then it becomes too hard and I join her in sleep.

Nothings gonna be the same again.

* * *

><p>BPOV<p>

Everything changes when I wake up next to Edward Cullen.

And maybe everything should have changed when Barbara so public announced my father's infidelity or the first time I slept with my boyfriend's best friend or when I slept with him again and again. To some extend those events did change me, but since Jasper left and my family fell apart, I've felt so lost, unsure of myself. Until right now.

Waking up next to Edward Cullen is a moving and profound moment of clarity.

And nothing has scared me more in my life.

He just looks so young and peaceful and innocent in his sleep and for the first time in a long time, I know exactly what I want.

All summer, I've felt turned inside out. I've had to question everything I held true about myself, my family, my future.

And this thing with Edward… until this moment I didn't understand it. I've always been attracted to him and sure, back in the eighth grade I hoped he'd ask me to be his girlfriend, but that was all a long time ago. I've been happy with Jasper. Sleeping with Edward has forced me to see I'm not a good person. Just like my dad isn't a good person.

We are both adulterous sinners.

Waking up with Edward changes everything because it makes me want what I can't have. It makes me want him, totally and completely.

Nothing could be more painful than wanting Edward Cullen the way I want him.

Every time I come to him like this, I tell myself it's the last. But I'm hopelessly addicted. I just keep needing that one last fix. And I told myself that it was all physical. That's how I explained it, justified it.

But waking up next to Edward changes that.

It is so much more. At least to me.

And that is why I have to get out of this bed right this very minute.

I sit up too quickly and grab my head as I stifle a groan.

The pounding head, dry mouth, queasy feeling of waking up with a hang over has become far too familiar this summer. I get it now, why Edward perpetually has a bottle of beer dangling at his side.

The alcohol numbs the pain.

I can't handle Edward this morning. I can't handle the fact that I sleep with him when I want to and he acts as if nothing is different between us. I can't handle the revelation I had upon waking up in his bed.

I think I love him.

I am such an idiot.

As quietly as possible, I slip out of his bed and come to stand in his room, searching for my clothes so I can get out of here with a little dignity. Guess I'll have to walk home.

It's so shameful, but I can't even remember if we had sex last night. I give myself a pat down, finding that I'm still in my bra, panties, and tank top.

Probably didn't do it then. I don't really see Edward letting me put my clothes back on before falling asleep.

Not that I would really know being as I've never actually spent the night with him till now.

I locate my jeans and pull them over my hips, giving a little hop to get them on all the way. As I zip up and fix my belt buckle, I look for my shoes. The boots are a little trickier to get on in silence, but I do a pretty good job. Giving one final look around the room to make sure I have everything, I sigh in relief that I escaped.

"Morning."

Guess not.

I pause at the doorway, steeling myself to face the man I've so foolishly let myself fall for.

His voice is all croaky and even deeper in the mornings. I like it.

"Morning," I reply quietly, not meeting his eyes as I turn.

"Come 'ere," he insists, waving me over. I approach his mattress with caution, trying to ignore how deliciously rumpled he looks. When I get close enough he grabs my wrist and pulls me back in to bed. I screech in surprise as I find myself sprawled out over his chest.

How was I not expecting this?

"Ouch," I mutter, lips against the skin of his neck. I close my eyes and will my hang over away.

"Did I hurt you?" he says, sitting up slightly to examine me.

"No," I reply, still not opening my eyes. "It's the head."

"Ah," he says, the accompanying chuckle shaking me slightly. "Miss Swan had a little too much last night."

"Story of my summer," I mumble, snuggling closer. Now that I'm here its so hard to not enjoy it. To not enjoy him.

Especially knowing I have to end it. Soon. I don't know how much more of this my heart can take.

"Story of my life," he replies.

He strokes my hair and I keep my eyes closed, wanting to stay right here forever. Right here where the rest of the world don't matter – where I haven't planned my whole future with his best friend and he doesn't screw everything that moves.

"What in the world are you doin' with your boots on in bed, Swan?" he scolds as he shifts and I accidently get him in the ankle. "Were you tryin' to run out on me?"

"Maybe," I reply, feeling guilty even though I shouldn't. I decide to never sleep over again. It's self-preservation.

I am so going to hell. I just had a sleep over with my boyfriend's best friend, and I can't even manage to feel properly bad about it. What is wrong with me?

"It's too early for boots," he mumbles sleepily as he turns on his side and holds me close.

I love it right here. Just like I love him

Damn it. What was I thinking? There is no way for this to end without everyone getting hurt. I'm going to destroy Jasper, Edward's going to break my heart, and Jasper will probably kick Edward's ass before never talking to him again. God, Jasper is going to get Edward excommunicated from the football team and then he'll have no choice but to drop out of school. And I'll be so crushed I'll become a crazy cat lady while all of Jasper's dreams of pro football will be dashed because he'll suck because he's too distracted by all this drama.

The moral of the story is we're all going to end up with terrible, terrible lives because of me.

I've got to get out of here.

I try to wiggle out of his arms without him noticing again.

"What's your deal this morning, lady?" he asks, sounding irritated now.

"I gotta go," I reply, sitting up. Edward's strong arm comes around my waist, preventing me from leaving as he scowls up at me from his pillow.

"No you don't," he says.

"Yes, I do."

"No you don't."

"Do to."

"Do not."

"Edward," I say, pulling at my own hair in my frustration. "You're behavin' like a child."

He just grins at me crookedly. That smile has my heart beating erratically. I feel like one of his cheap floosies. How many girls before me have fallen for that smile? And how many will fall after me?

This whole thing is so depressing and so confusing.

"I shouldn't have slept here last night," I say quietly, looking down at my lap and noticing how nice his large palm looks against my hip.

"You asked me to bring you here," he replies, getting defensive. "I didn't drag you all passed out."

"I know," I say with a slight chuckle. He seems to think I didn't feel safe. It's totally opposite. I feel too safe with him. So safe it's hard to remember how dangerous he is to my emotional wellbeing. "But it was still stupid. It's a dumb mistake. That's how we're gonna get caught."

"And that would be the worst thing in the world," he says, sounding angry now. He pulls away and sits up with his back up against the wall. "Wouldn't want anyone to know that good little Bella Swan was associating with bad boy Edward Cullen. Wouldn't want the white trash around the princess."

I just gape at him with opened mouth shock. Never before have I heard him talk like that. It's just so offensive. To both of us. Never before has Edward treated me like the spoiled little rich girl – something that Jasper tells me, often. Never before have I heard him so resentful and degrading of his own background.

After his outburst he continues to just sit there, not looking at me. His bronze hair and the tilt of his head prevent me from really seeing his eyes. Not that it would matter anyway. He is the most guarded individual I've ever met.

I don't know what to say.

"You've been one of my best friends for years," I tell him eventually, trying and failing to not sound angry. "You know it's not like that."

He nods his head once. That's it.

"And it would be the worst thing in the world," I remind him quietly. I want to reach out to him but I don't. "If anyone found out… It would kill Jasper. My boyfriend. Your best friend. We are doing something very wrong here and I can't seem to stop. So yes, it would be the worst thing in the world."

He just nods.

"This was a mistake."

I want him to tell me it's not a mistake. I want him to tell me he cares about me. I want him to fight for us.

But how can I expect that when I keep trying – lamely – to run away from us?

"Was?" he asks, whipping his head around.

His gaze is so intense and so piercing it feels invasive. Like he can see too much.

"I don't know what to do," I whisper, trying not to cry.

The impossibility of this whole situation is crushing me.

Edward pulls me in to his arms and somehow his comfort makes me fall apart. I cry into his chest and he kisses my hair, making soothing sounds. I keep sobbing, so violently I think it scares him because he pleads with me to calm down as he rocks me. This is just like our first time. Me crying, him providing comfort when there's no one else.

Just like the first time, somehow I find myself kissing him again. I kiss him like I'm drowning and he's the life preserver. That's how it feels, too. Like he's saving my life. He steals my breath but gives me air at the same time, when he kisses me.

And suddenly I'm crazy for him, desperate for him. I want him to make me feel anything else but the confusion and fear and guilt that is my norm these days. I want him so I can know for sure if I really do love him. I need to know if it's the real thing or just how he looked in the light this morning.

He is tentative at first, unsure. He passively lets me pull off his clothes, helping me only a little with the slight lift of his hips so I can get rid of his boxer shorts. He is totally naked under me and I am fully clothed, laid out over him.

This won't do at all.

I stand abruptly before him, feeling wild and free as I kick off my boots. The jeans come off next, and normally I would feel insecure about how I awkwardly pull them off. It's not seductive at all, but I don't care. I need him. Want him. Must have him in that irrational, all consuming way that will scare me later but right now it just makes me feel powerful and high.

I throw off my tank top, toss aside my bra, and step out of my panties. It only takes me a couple of seconds. I've never done this before, stood completely naked in front of a boy. Usually I cover up or turn off the light. Edward can see all my little imperfections and for a moment I get shy again.

But then I see the look on his face.

Edward is gazing up at me with such awe – his eyes bright and his mouth slightly parted. The way he looks make me love him more. It's a version of that smile that let me know just how much trouble I'm in yesterday.

Slowly, so I can see every little flicker of emotion on his face, I move to straddle his waist. He is sitting up against his wall again and I push one hand into his hair before kissing him.

It's the best kiss of my life. It seems to fill me right up. I try to keep my eyes open because I can tell this is one of those life moments where you don't want to miss a single thing, but I get too dizzy. I feel so much in this kiss it's almost painful.

Just the thought of never doing this again sears my very soul so I don't think about anything but the boy beneath me.

Edward's hands grip my calves and I can feel him, hard and hot, pinned between our bodies. Still, he doesn't demand anything from me. He lets me kiss him thoroughly. He lets me take the lead and touch him all over with pushing me for more.

That's just how he's been all summer.

But soon, I need more.

Bracing myself with one hand on the wall next to him and one hand gripping Edward's shoulder, I rise up. I look down between us and have to stifle a groan when Edward takes himself in his hand, lining us up.

I've never done this before ever. Been on top like this. But it feels too good for me to waste emotion worrying about how exposed I am.

"Bella," he breaths out. I tear my eyes away from what's goin' on down there when I realize that Edward isn't lookin' where I'm lookin'. He's looking at me. He's staring at me, avidly, with that same look from earlier.

That look means love to me. And I let myself believe it, just for now. I'll deal with reality later.

Resting my forehead against his, I lower myself. Down, down, down so slowly until we couldn't be more connected. I let out a little, pathetic whimper as Edward groans. I roll my hips experimentally, wanting us both to feel good but not totally knowing how to make that happen.

Well, that certainly did it for me.

Edward touches me everywhere as I continue to move. He absolutely tortures my chest and my breasts feel heavy. He keeps kissing me, his lips only leaving mine to make the occasional detour to the base of my neck or my collarbone or that one spot on my jaw that makes my toes curl.

And I roll my hips.

I do it again and again, letting out a little cry as my head falls against Edward's neck. I don't think I can carry on. It feels too good. All my limbs are shaking. Suddenly this seems too big and I shy away. These feelings, both emotional and physical, scare me.

"Stay with me," he pants out, his breath hot against my neck. "Please."

Edward touches me where our bodies are joined and I understand that big thing. It feels too good for me to be scared.

I garble out his name, pulling his hair and tightening my thighs around him to desperately keep him close. He holds me as I shudder and shake as he lifts totally off the bed, pounding into me a couple more times before letting out a low groan and collapsing back against the wall.

Edward's arms fall to his sides and mine do the same. It's like I can't even move them anymore. I've melted. I'm just a big ball of mush where bone and blood and Bella used to be. I feel so close to Edward, I can't tell where he ends and I start.

Wow.

That was… just wow.

We just sit up against the wall like that for a while, but then Edward somehow regains the use of his limbs and scoots us down in the bed so I'm lying totally on top of him. He snuggles me close and pulls the sheet over us. He strokes his fingertips up and down my spine, and I sigh in contentment.

I've had orgasms before. Sometimes with Jasper and more frequently with Edward. I kinda thought they were all just the same. I've always found sex to be pleasant, and if I did get there, great and if I didn't get there that was okay too.

I now know that all orgasms are not created equal.

For a few, blissful minutes after the orgasm to end all orgasms, my brain is blank. I've always had a problem over thinking things. It's difficult to quiet my head.

With Edward, I've figured out how to get some peace it seems.

But all too soon I start to analyze.

Why was it that this time provided such intense pleasure?

Because I'm in love with him. That's why.

My theory is as follows.

When you hit puberty, they really like to teach the abstinence thing in Sunday school. And there is always that one kid that asks why wait? What is in it for us? Besides all the living without sin, eternal salvation stuff, why should I be abstinent when I've heard it feels so good.

The church has an answer for that.

It's worth the wait, they say. It is much, much better than what everyone else is experiencing if you wait till you're married. God will reward your endurance and patience with truly mind bogglingly superior sex if you are strong enough to wait for marriage.

Nothing could get much better than what I just experienced. I would surly die.

So I think the Sunday school teachers only got it half right. I think that the way to get truly remarkable sex is to be in love.

Doesn't that prove I really do love Edward? That this whole thing isn't just some physical reaction to the turmoil in my once perfect little life?

But, at the same time, this little theory of mine is troubling because it would prove that I don't, in fact love Jasper, the boy I've been with since I was thirteen.

I'll have to think long and hard on that one.

But right now I just want to enjoy.

"What did you have planned today, darlin'?" Edward asks. They're the first words to be spoken in this room in a damn long time.

"Mahumbuph."

Edward blinks down at me as I waggle my tongue around in my mouth, just as surprised as he is by my incomprehensible response. But then he goes from staring at me in concern to smirking down at me.

"Guess I left you speechless," he says, grinning and putting both his hands behind his head. He just looks so smug and self-satisfied, I can't stand it.

Dramatically, I throw myself off him and bury my face in a pillow.

"Don't be like that, babe," he says with a laugh. He tugs on the pillow, but I hold it firm. "Seriously, you weren't bad yourself."

"Really?" I whisper, peaking out at him and trying to ignore my blush.

He nods, continuing to grin, and I decide I don't believe him. I go back in to hiding. I hear him let out a big old sigh and I can picture him shaking his head and looking to the heavens. He always does that when he is running low on patients. It's like he's saying "Lord, give me the strength," except I know better.

Edward Cullen doesn't do a lot of chatting with God.

Tired of my antics, he uses his superior strength to rip the pillow away from me, tossing it across the room where I can't easily get it back.

"Hey!" I say, scowling at him and attempting to hide under the sheet.

He leans over me, trapping my face between his hands and pinning my arms to my sides.

There are serious disadvantages to bedding a football player.

"Isabella Marie Swan," he says, his voice low and serious. He looks me dead in the eye and it's a struggle to meet his gaze. "I hope you know that I don't even know what to say about what just happened." I frown at him because that isn't exactly complimentary. Is he calling it off? Did I do something wrong? In the throws of passion, I mean. This whole thing is obviously wrong in the moral sense. "There are no words. But I can say that you, Miss Swan, are the best I've ever had."

My mouth pops open in my shock because everyone knows that Edward has had a lot. He kisses my nose and chuckles slightly. I decide he is messing with me. He has been known to do this from time to time.

"Don't tease me," I mutter, trying to look away as I blush. "Don't be unkind."

"Bella," he says, all playfulness gone now. "I've never lied to you. Don't see no reason to start now."

I smile, recognizing his words from the night before, despite how drunk I was at the time.

"Promise," I reply, teasing him now.

"Cross my heart and hope to die." He lowers his mouth to mine, giving me a lazy kiss. "Stick a needle in my eye."

I laugh and give him a hug. It's with my legs though because he's still got my arms pinned. I'm so happy it somehow makes every other happy time I've had seem less good.

And again, I remember why Edward Cullen is so dangerous.

"I really do have to go," I whisper as he moves to kiss me again.

"Do not."

"Don't start that again!" I say, laughing and wiggling violently in an attempt to dislodge him. "I mean it."

"Where could you possibly gotta be at…" he pauses, turning to look at his digital clock. "Nine AM! What're we doin' up at this insane hour? It's a Sunday morning. Time for sleepin' late and big breakfast."

"No, it's time for church," I say, sitting up in bed and attempting to comb out my hair with my fingers while keeping my modesty intact with the sheet up at my armpits.

Not an easy task.

"You still go to church?" he asks, rasing an eyebrow at me.

"Not that church. I'm trying new churches," I explain. My fellow worshipers weren't exactly kind and supportive after the whole slapping incident. More like mean and judgmental. "I need a little religion in my life."

Edward grins at me mischievously and I know he probably wants to make some comment about what we just did. Thankfully he doesn't. I'm coming down from my being with Edward high so the guilt and fear and confusion is returning.

I'm searching for answers. Who says they aren't at a new church?

After leaning over to give him a final smacking kiss, I stand and get dressed for the second time this morning.

"You're serious?"

I pull on my panties and then my bra before searching for the rest of my outfit from last night.

"No more sleepin'?"

I do that jump thing that helps me put on my way to tight jeans.

"No big breakfast?"

I pull on my tank top and then turn to face him, totally unsurprised to see him scowling up at me from his mattress on the floor.

"You can sleep and eat all you want," I say, extending a hand. He takes it and I try to pull him up, but it's apparent that I won't be getting him to go anywhere without a little help on his part. "But first I'd really like a ride home."

Edward lets out a big old sigh and lets me pull him to his feet. He is totally unbothered by his nudity as he pads on over to his closet, but it makes me blush. He is just so perfect, lean limbs and hard muscles.

Sometimes there are positives to bedding a football player. This one sure is hot.

And then I feel guilty and selfish because I've had two football players. The one before me isn't mine, no matter what it feels like in this moment.

I am a terrible person. What am I going to do?

Edward pulls on a brown and white plaid shirt, buttoning one button, and a pair of old, worn jeans.

"I don't own nothin' but jeans and this is my best shirt," he says, turning to face me. He has his hands on his hips and is scowling at me again.

"Alright?" I'm totally confused by this statement.

He rolls his eyes at my response and I giggle because there is just something so funny about Edward Cullen rolling his eyes and talking about clothes.

"Real Christians won't care what I wear, right?" he asks, pulling on his collar nervously.

"Right." I still am completely lost by the direction this conversation has taken. He saunters on over to me, doing that cocky Edward Cullen walk that so many have tried and failed to imitate. He slings an arm over my shoulders and grabs my purse off his cluttered desk.

"Let's go to church, Swan," he says, leading me out of his bedroom. "We wouldn't want to be late."

"You're taking me to church?" I clarify.

"I'm goin' with you to church," he corrects.

I smile at him shyly, letting him lead me out of the house.

I love him.

Waking up next to Edward Cullen changes everything

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><p>"This is no church," Edward mutters as we walk between the rows and rows and rows of chairs. "It's a whole town. Shit, it's a whole planet."<p>

"Edward," I scold as I lead us to two acceptable seats. "Watch your language. This is God's house."

"It doesn't feel like God's house," he replies, looking towards the ceiling and then all over as he sits next to me. "More like God's Astro Dome. Seriously, this place looks like concert venue. It's mega church."

I look around, seeing that he's right. There are hundreds of people milling around, taking their seats and chatting. This place is giant. It even has a balcony, skylight, and jumbotron.

"My last church was small and lacked diversity. I'm going with big where not everyone knows your business this time," I explain, shifting a little closer to Edward. I want to take his hand but we are in public and he is not my boyfriend.

Lord, give me strength. If anyone ever needs church, it's me. And the bigger the better, I say.

"It's creeping me out," he hisses under his breath, continuing to look around with wide eyes. "Are you sure you haven't dragged up to some sort of super church mega cult?"

I roll my eyes and ignore him until the service starts.

And I like it, for the most part. There is a lot of music and singing. I get up with everyone else and belt out the familiar words of worship. Edward stands awkwardly at my side.

"How do you know the words?" he asks as one song ends and everyone takes their seats.

"Everyone knows the words."

"You sure sing pretty, Miss Swan."

"Stop flirting with me at mega church."

The sermon is good. Very good, actually. Quiet applicable. The pastor talks about change and how prayer works.

"Here's the bottom line," he says into his microphone headset that projects his voice so even the people above can hear him loud and clear. "If you pray for patience, you aren't gonna magically poof into a patient person. You'll pray for patience and God will test you with traffic jams and long lines. He'll give you the opportunity to practice patience. God will test you. That's how we grow. That's how we change. God will give you all the traffic jams you need until you're as patient as can be."

I think about what I've prayed for recently. I've asked for direction. I've asked for meaning. I've asked to feel whole again. I've asked for forgiveness.

Is Edward my test, sent to me by God as a road block to figuring out what I really want in the future? Is he here to show me that I was right about Jasper all along? Is Edward supposed to take away my doubt in the direction my life is heading in? Jasper's direction?

Or is he here to make me feel whole again?

I glance over at him. Edward keeps fluctuating from listening intently to glancing nervously around, as if he's worried that they'll kick him out for being an outsider. I know how much he hates religion – not God, necessarily, but definitely religion – but he came here with me anyway. I didn't even have to ask.

I don't think Edward is a test.

But that's the thing about religion, isn't it? We never know for sure.

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><p><strong>This one was nice and long. Hope you liked it. Reviews make my day. Seriously the best thing ever.<strong>

**Thank you so much for reading.**


	4. In Secret

**This one's short but sweet.**

**I don't own.**

**Thanks for reading or reviewing or whatever!**

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><p>"Can I tell you a secret?" Bella murmurs, scooting a little closer to me on the blanket. We lay out in the sunshine, facing each other with legs intertwined and holding hands. Her eyes sparkle and she's fighting a smile, so I know she isn't about to get too serious on me.<p>

It's been a good week.

We certainly haven't talked about it – or anything that we probably should talk about, for that matter – but something's changed. I sure as hell can feel it. Bella does too, I think. I can tell by the way she smiles at me and the way we've woken up together six of the last seven mornings.

We're livin' on borrowed time, but I refuse to think about it.

This morning we got in my truck and just drove for hours, far away from Dillon and the ever-present fear of getting caught. I brought her to this little lake my grandparents used to take us to as kids. I've never seen no one else here. It's perfect. Bella loves it.

"Tell me a secret, Isabella," I reply, glancing at her lips. It's hard to not kiss her all the time.

"It's a big one," she says, sounding absolutely serious. Too serious. Faux serious. "Do you think you can handle it?"

Her voice is so husky, I can't resist kissing her – quick and hard. But I ignore the urge to roll on top her and take it farther because I really do want to hear her secret.

"I can handle it," I tell her when I pull away.

Bella blinks at me in confusion, and I smirk because it appears that I'm dazzling her again.

"Your secret," I remind her. "I can handle it."

"Okay," she says, shaking her head once before sitting up slightly to put her lips to my ear. "Here it goes."

I get momentarily distracted because Bella is wearing a bikini. Now I'm the one shaking my head in an attempt to focus on her words.

"I," she says, pausing dramatically between her words. "Absolutely. More than _anything_, hate…"

"What?" She's done a real good job buildin' the suspense.

"I cannot stand…" Again, she pauses and I let out a frustrated groan. "Football. I hate football."

I stare at her in stock for a moment before bustin' out, laughin'.

"This doesn't look like you handling my secret," she mutters petulantly, laying down on her back and crossing her arms over her chest. I don't like this at all because we're no longer touchin' and I can't really see her tits.

"Come on, Swan," I say, still laughing a little. Now I roll on top of her, trapping her head in between my hands. She looks away and keeps her arms crossed over her chest but fights a smile. "That can't be true."

I nuzzle the side of her neck and she giggles, her hands going to my hips.

"How is that even possible in this town with your father?" Bella's expression falls for a moment at the mention of her dad, but I press on and she recovers quickly. "You're a cheerleader, for fuck sake."

She smacks my chest.

"Personally, I partial to that one cheer about goin' bananas. Are you tellin' me that all that's not genuine school spirit?" I demand, aghast.

Bella laughs again as I stare down at her in mock horror.

"I have school spirit!" she defends. "I want you to win, I just don't care for the sport."

"This is blasphemy," I mutter, shaking my head at her sadly. "What are we goin' to do about that, Miss Isabella?"

"Accept it and move on," she replies, nodding sagely.

"Naw," I say, grinning at her mischievously before standing up and pulling her into my arms. She lets out a scream even as her arms come around my neck. "Not my style."

"Edward Cullen!" she yells as I run towards the lake. "Don't you dare! My hair just dried and the suns goin' down. I will kill you if I end up with pneumon—"

Her adorable little attempt to be tough is cut off when I splash through the water, diving in with her in my arms when we get out deep enough. When I resurface a moment later, Bella's arms are around my neck. I laugh when I see that her hair is completely covering her face. She reminds me a bit of a drowned rat.

"Enjoying your punishment, Swan?" I ask, pushing her hair out of her face. I laugh again when I uncover her scowling face.

Totally a drowned rat.

It seems wise to not mention this observation, as correct as it might be.

"You'll pay for this," she says, her voice low and scary. Abruptly she pushes away from me and begins to splash me furiously. Oh course I retaliate with gusto. The splashing war turns into a bit of a wrestling contests to dunk each other's heads under water. I even let Bella get me a few times. Somehow she ends up on my back, arms a little too tight around my windpipe.

She kisses my neck, scrapping her teeth lightly over my skin.

I shiver in pleasure, and the fun and games are done with.

Pulling her around into my arms, I kiss lips. Her hands work their way into my wet hair and mine slip under her suit to cup her perfect little ass. I hold her tight and kiss her slowly.

Out here, away from Dillon, it feels like we have all the time in the world, so I kiss her slowly.

We kiss and touch for a long time. And it's weird but I'm perfectly content to just kiss her. It's so much better than doin' anything else with anyone else. I can't remember ever doin' any kissing that wasn't gonna lead to the good stuff.

There is no way I'm takin' Bella Swan in a lake. Not gonna happen.

Plus, with her kissin' is good stuff.

I don't know how long we are floating in the water, but we're gettin' all pruney, and Bella shivers slightly – the kind from cold not pleasure. Keeping Bella in my arms and her legs around my waist, I walk us right out of the water and onto the shore. She smiles fondly down at me, pushing my hair off my forehead.

It's one of the moments when I don't feel like we need words. What I am experiencing is so strong, there is no way she can't feel it too.

In Dillon, I doubt her feelings. Here I don't.

I wrap up us both in the same large towel and we sit on the blanket, silently watching the sun dip past the trees. I'm sad to see it go because it means its time for us to go too. We gather our things and get dressed before holding hands as we walk back to my truck.

We drive and the closer we get to Dillon, the more anxious I feel.

"I'm hungry," Bella declares as we roll through a small town.

"You wanna stop?" I ask, spotting the local bar and grill.

"Yes," she says quickly. Maybe she doesn't want to go back to hiding in Dillon anymore than I want to.

Bella and I eat a greasy dinner. It feels like a real date. We share the same side of the booth and it feels like we are a real couple.

This whole day – fuck, this whole week – will make it so much harder when I have to let her go, but its worth it. I don't remember ever bein' this happy.

When we get back home, I'll worry about if I'll ever be this happy again.

We linger over a beer as our dishes are cleared and a band starts to play. People drift towards the dance floor, line dancin' and two steppin' for the most part.

"Band's not bad," Bella muses, blushing and turning away from me for whatever unknowable reason.

"Yup," I agree.

"Too bad we should really be gettin' back," she continues, still lookin' at the band rather than me.

"Why should we really get back?"

'I've got church in the morning," she replies primly, flatting the material of her skirt in her lap.

"You doin' that again?"

"Traditionally that is what happens again every Sunday, yes," Bella says, shaking her head at me and smiling.

"Mega church?" I ask.

"Yeah," she says with a shrug. "Figured I liked it enough last week to give it another look."

I give her a quick kiss and run my hand up her thigh because no one knows we aren't supposed to be touching in the town away from Dillon.

"How's this sound," I say, keepin' an arm around her shoulders and my face close to hers. "I'll take you to church in the mornin', just like last weekend, if you give me one more dance right now."

Bella smiles big at me before biting her lip and looking up at me coyly.

I decided after last weekend that I'd be goin' to church with Bella every Sunday from now on. It made her so happy.

"Oh, I don't know," she says with a sigh. "I get dancin' and church? With you? Twist my arm."

I laugh and pull her onto the dance floor. She's a good dancer, despite her inherent clumsiness. We smile and laugh and two step like no ones business. When a slow number comes on and I hold her close, I almost tell her I love her.

That idiocy is a sure sign its time to call it a night.

I can tell Bella is really happy for the first time since the beginning of the summer because she sings along to Joshua Radin on the radio. I've always loved her voice. She stops singin', embarrassed and blushin' when she notices me glancing at her every few seconds, but a little encouragement has her singin' again. She closes her eyes and looks up, just like she does in church.

With her eyes closed and her hair whipping around her head with the windows down, she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

About an hour outside Dillon, Bella falls asleep. She's laid out on the bench seat with her head on my thigh. My free arm curves along her body, my fingers splayed out on her hip.

My heart falls when I see that sign marking the Dillon city limits – all blue and yellow and declaring this the home of the Dillon High School Panthers. I go back to actively not thinkin' about it, but the guilt is in the back of my head, always present.

I bring her back to my place and she stumbles sleepily inside, barely managing to kick off her shoes before collapsing in my bed. I settle in next to her, spooned around her body.

I fall asleep not long after her. She wakes me up in the night to make, quiet, intense love. We didn't even say anything before snuggling back together and falling asleep.

I could get used to it. And that's the biggest problem. That's what's gonna make it hurt so much when we get to the end.

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><p><strong>They are cute, huh?<strong>

**Things move right along next chapter. Prepare yourselves. **


	5. Wake Up Call

**Thanks for Readin'!**

**I don't own nothin'.**

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><p>BPOV<p>

"Did you get anything outta that at all?" I ask Edward just to delay getting out of his truck for one more minute. We're parked out front my empty house, and I should go inside. I haven't been here in over a day and it really is time to say goodbye.

I just don't want to.

"Sure," he says with a shrug.

"Like what?" I push. When I was younger and more idealistic – and annoying, I'll admit – I was very focused on saving Edward's soul. Mostly I stopped badgering him but I guess some of those instincts are resurfacing with this new takin' me to church thing he's doing.

"Bella, don't get all Sunday school teacher on me," he drawls, turning his body towards mine. "Just be happy that I'm goin' and listenin'."

He seems to plan on going with me again, even though he's sat through service the last two Sundays. The thought makes me smile.

"Okay," I say, biting my lip and looking up at him from underneath my lashes. He's really so, so pretty. But not in the conventional way.

I hate to do it, have tried not too all summer and – if I'm being absolutely honest – all the time I've known them, but it's difficult to not compare Edward and Jasper. Best friends. Total opposites in pretty much every way you can think of.

Jasper is the blond-haired, blue eyed, all American boy. He is handsome and boyish at the same time, well aware that he's good lookin'. He is attractive in that obvious, good guy, star quarterback kind of way.

Edward is dangerous. One look will tell you that. Most of his features separate shouldn't add up to someone so devastatingly attractive but they do. His hair is a strange bronze color, there is a slight bump in his nose, a scar from a long ago brawl makes his eyebrow hair grow kinda funny, and his smile is lopsided.

All added up together, and topped off with those eyes and that jaw, it's perfection. You can tell he is complicated in a way that Jasper isn't just by his broody looks.

I realize I've been staring too long and blush like mad, hiding behind a curtain of hair in the vain hope that he won't notice.

He grabs my chin, titling my face towards his and smiling at me. My smile. The one just for me. Mine.

"I should probably go in now," I murmur, very reluctantly pulling on the door handle.

"Alright."

His hands drop to his lap.

"Thanks for showin' me the lake and last night and takin' me to church," I say, scooting away from him.

"You're welcome."

"Okay. I'm goin' on up to the house," I say, actually opening the door and taking off my seat belt.

"I'll see you later."

I try not to get too pouty that he is done with me. I mean, we have been together since yesterday morning. It is a long time to spend with one person. Especially for Edward. He's always been something of a loner. I get it.

But I want to be around him all the time.

"I'm really going now," I tell him, my butt half out the door.

Edward chuckles, shaking his head at me.

"What?" I snap, beyond annoyed with him.

"Come 'ere," he replies, waving me over.

I scowl at him for a moment before shuffling closer to him, pulling the truck door closed behind me. With each hand on either of my cheeks, he brings my face closer to his and smiles down at me.

"You're cute when you're mad," he murmurs. His face is so close to mine I can feel his breath on my lower lip. My eyes flutter closed. He dazzles me. Even when he's being annoying.

"Your charms won't work on me," I reply, not able to conjure much heat. "No way."

He laughs at me again. "You want to kiss me so bad right now," Edward says. I try to pull away but he keeps his hands on my face.

"Do not. Urg, you're such an ass, Edward Cullen!"

"Kiss me," he insists, smiling lazy.

"Absolutely not."

"Kiss me."

I shake my head, not an easy task with my face still trapped.

He grins crookedly at me before laying his forehead on mine. His thumb traces my bottom lip and then his fingers drop down to graze the side of my neck. I bite my lip in an attempt to shift my whimper.

Damn him and his dazzlingness. It's like his light touch leaves a line of fire on my skin.

"Bella," he breaths out, his voice low. My eyes go a little cross-eyed as I try to maintain eye contact but he is too close so I give up. I close my eyes in anticipation of his kiss and lean towards him. "Kiss me."

I let out a little growl because he is so immensely irritating before kissing him angrily. I can feel him smile before he kisses me back, opening his mouth and sweeping his tongue over my lower lip.

He drives me so crazy. I love kissing him.

"You're one manipulative son of a bitch," I mutter against his lips, pushing both my hands through his hair and tugging a little too hard.

He smirks and laughs deep in his chest. "You love it."

_No, I love you._

Except I don't say the words. It is too big and too scary to admit yet. The discovery of my feelings are still so fresh and make me feel so fragile, I can't say anything. Everything is just too complicated.

But I do love him. This I know for sure. And I'm also coming to see that we can't go back to how it was before. I can't go back to being Jasper Whitlock's girlfriend. I don't think I want to be anymore.

And I don't want to give Edward up.

Edward's hands run down my back before settling on my hips. He continues to kiss me even as he pulls me in to his lap. I willingly go, throwing one leg over his lap to straddle him. My church dress gets pushed up around my waist as Edward's hands run up my thighs.

I move against him, hugging him close as his mouth slants over mine.

We continue to kiss until every thought is driven from my head. All I can think about is the way he makes me feel, mentally, physically. We move together, making each other feel good despite the layers of clothes separating us. The cab is filled with sounds of our labored breaths.

I don't remember where we are – parked in front of my house in the broad daylight – until my phone goes off in my purse on the seat next to us.

"Ignore it," Edward mutters, kissing my collarbone when I move away from him to answer.

"Get your hands off me," I reply, half heartedly batting him away as I dig through my purse. "Do you see where we are? Lordy, what are we thinkin', carrying on like this our here for everyone to see."

"Don't care," Edward insists, nipping at my ear. My eyes roll slightly back in my head and for a moment I think about letting this continue, but my phone keeps ringing, and I finally get it out of my bag.

"You would if you were thinkin' with your head." I mutter.

"Who says I'm not thinkin' with my head," he whispers in my ear lewdly, lifting his hips off the bench seat and thrusting up in to me. Again, I stifle a groan.

"Edward," I scold. "I'm a lady and this is the Lord's day and you really should not be talkin' to me that…"

I trail off when I glance down at my phone.

The name illuminating the screen is a rude awakening.

Jasper. My boyfriend.

Edward growls slightly when he sees the name, cursing under his breath and letting his head fall back against the headrest.

It feels like all the air leaves my lungs. Also like I need to vomit.

Because no matter what I feel for Edward, this is wrong. Someone will get hurt. I feel so guilty for so many things.

"I should go," I say, removing myself from his lap. His hands tighten on my hips for a moment before he lifts me off him, helping me settle in the seat next to him.

"Yeah, you really should," he mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose – a sure sign he's upset. My phone stops ringing and dings, indicating I have a new voice mail.

I look at Edward for a minute, wanting something from him. Maybe I just need a little reassurance that everything's going to be okay – even though it isn't. Maybe I want a kiss goodbye.

"You have a new voice mail," Edward says emotionlessly, looking straight ahead and turning on the vehicle.

I get it. He couldn't be clearer. He wants me gone.

Trying not to cry, I lean over and give him a quick kiss on his cheek. I slide out of the cab, pausing to look at him before shutting the door.

"I'll see you soon?" I whisper, my voice cracking slightly.

Edward just nods without looking at me, pulling the gearshift from park to drive. It's a struggle to maintain my composure as I slam the door and slowly walk up my front steps. I few tears fall down my cheeks as I hear him roar away in his truck.

Absolutely miserable, I sit on my porch, leaning up against my front door. With a big sigh, I wipe impatiently at my damp cheeks and dial my voicemail. I haven't talked to Jazz in six days.

"_Hey, babe. It's me. I guess you're probably still at church, but I thought you'd be back by now. Anyway, I know it's been way too long since we've talked and I'm real sorry. Camp has just been crazy. I tell you what, they work us hard! I fall asleep before my head hits the pillow every night… I love it though. I'm meeting so many people, making so many connections. I wish you we're here though. I sure do miss you. I'm lookin' at your picture now. That one from the day we spent at the beach? You look so damn pretty, babe. It's like, one of the only pictures that exist where you're not laughin'. What is it about gettin' you in front of a camera that has you bust out laughin' pretty much every time? Well, call me back. I miss you. I love you. I just want to hear your voice. By now, Bells."_

Although I manage to stay mostly composed through the message, the second he stops speaking I drop my phone in my lap and bury my face in my hands.

I cry and cry and cry.

This time Edward isn't here to hold me.

I cry because I wish he was.

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><p>EPOV<p>

"Where in the hell have you been?" Emmett demands when I walk through our front door. He stands shirtless at the stove, cooking a grilled cheese sandwich.

"Out," I mumble, grabbing a beer from the fridge and leaning against a counter to watch my brother cook. "You gonna make me one of those?"

He tosses the sandwich on a plate, sliding it towards me before buttering another piece of toast and dropping it in the pan.

"Out with Bella Swan?" he asks, not lookin' up from his cookin'.

I've been avoiding him since he saw me carryin' Bella a couple weeks ago just because I didn't want to hear it from him.

"Maybe. Thanks for the sandwich." I try to escape to my room with beer and food, but Em wants to talk.

"You sit your ass right down on that stool," he insists, using that voice so much like our father's it used to make me mad as hell. I used to hate him for trying to be the boss, tryin' to be the parent when he was still pretty much a kid himself.

I've let all that go so I do what he says.

"You gonna tell me how long you've been fuckin' your best friend's girl?" he asks, sounding far too judgmental for someone with his track record.

"It's not like that," I tell him, tryin' really hard not to be angry. But I am. He's pissing me off because it's so much more than fuckin'.

To me at least.

It's not easy because I'm already pretty damn pissed – at her, at me, at Jazz. I hated seeing his name light up her phone. I hated him for callin' her. I hated her for freezing, for feeling anything for him at all.

I hate me most of all, for gettin' in to this shit storm.

"It's exactly like that. So where we're you this morning? Must of left pretty early 'cuz you were gone when I got up," Emmett says, finishing his sandwich and takin' a big bite even as he talks to me.

I take a swig of beer and shrug morosely.

"Dude, come on," he says in exasperation.

I huff in frustration before just tellin' him.

"I was at church, okay?"

Emmett stares at me for a while before bustin' out laughin'. He clutches his belly and doubles over. I glare at him until he gets a hold of himself.

"Shit," he says when he recognizes just how serious I'm bein'. "You ain't kiddin'. Wow, she got you to go to church? What the hell is goin' on with you?"

"She didn't get me to do anything," I snap. As if anyone could get me to do anything. "I took her. She's goin' through a hard time, is all."

"Cheatin' on your boyfriend will do that to you," Emmett says, shaking his head.

"Watch it. You can say what you like about me, but leave Bella out of it," I insist, going back to my momentarily forgotten sandwich.

Emmett isn't eating. He's just staring at me in silence.

"What?" I demand, frustrated and uncomfortable under my brother's gaze.

"You like her."

"Fuck off, Em," I say, even more uncomfortable now. I didn't think I was that transparent.

"You really like her."

I shake my head at him and finish my beer.

"It all makes so much sense now," he muses, moving to the fridge and grabbing me another.

"What makes sense now?" I ask with trepidation, not really knowing if I even want to know the answer.

"You and Bella. I always thought your relationship was weird."

"How? We're friends?" Except I know what he's getting at. I've never thought of her as simply my friend, as much as I tried.

"Yeah, but, dude, come on," he say, grinning at me. "No guy is that nice to a girl if they don't want to fuck her."

"Em," I growl.

Despite how much I've always wanted to fuck her, as Emmett so eloquently puts it, I never actually thought it was going to happen. Not in my wildest dreams did I realistically think that Bella would ever see me as something other than a friend. My relationship with Bella in years past was never because I was angling to get in her pants.

Her friendship was important. Is important.

"Do you want to talk about this fucked up situation you've gotten yourself in to?" he says, leaning forward and shaking my shoulder slightly. "I am your older, wiser brother, don't you know. And I happen to know a thing or two about the secret affair."

I raise an eyebrow at him in skepticism. Keeping his lips zipped isn't exactly Em's strong suit.

"I'm serious," he says, actually sounding serious.

"You've had a secret affair? With who?" I clarify. If he's not full of shit – a very big if for Emmett – than I'll be amazed. This is Dillon. Small town Dillon.

Nothin' stays secret long. Unfortunately for me.

"Oh no, little brother," he says, shaking his head and grinning ruefully. "We ain't talkin' bout me. We're talkin' bout you. And it wouldn't be a secret if I went around tellin' people about it."

Come to think of it, it's been months since he brought home a girl. I wonder if this alleged affair is still goin' on. Who the fuck could it be?

"Why would you need to keep it secret," I muse, mostly talking to myself. "Is she married?"

"Naw, nothin' like that," he says, waving a hand at me dismissively. "I'm not you, little brother. I don't be messin' around with no involved women."

I let out a groan and thump my head down on the counter. Part of me is relieved he knows, that someone knows. It's been so hard to act normal.

"What are you doin', Edward?" Emmett asks quietly. "She's Jasper's girl. Your best friend."

Up until I saw his name on her phone, I've done a pretty good job not thinking about my best friend. Out of sigh, out of mind.

He's back now. And I hate myself for what I'm doing to him.

"You don't have to tell me who she is," I reply, closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose. "I know. Believe me, I know. It's just… Em, I think I love her. Always have."

I immediately feel better. That's not somethin' I've confessed out loud before and it's such a relief to tell someone. It's like my brother is sharin' the burden of lovin' Bella Swan a little bit.

Emmett lets out a low whistle.

"Damn," he says.

I groan again, tugging at my hair. "I don't know what to do."

I feel panicky and hot. Out of control. And I never feel out of control.

"You gotta end it." I sit up and look at him quickly. I was not expecting him to say that. I thought he'd at least be a little bit happy for me. Happy to know that one of the big, bad Cullen boys is actually capable of love. "I know it sucks to hear, but you gotta end it. You've known Jazz forever. How can you throw that away for a girl? Even a girl like Bella Swan. That's not who you are."

I nod, looking in my lap. I feel sick, knowing he's right.

"Does she love you?" he asks.

"No," I reply immediately, thinking of the look on her face when she realized Jazz was callin'. Why would she feel anything for me when she has Jasper? The best guy I know.

"So what's the goal here, Edward?" Emmett asks. I can't remember him being this serious since our parents left. "What do you want to happen with Bella? Do you want her to leave Jasper to be with you? Is that it?"

"No," I mutter because I really can't see a future where that would work. Bella is such a genuinely good person. I couldn't put her through the scrutiny of being with bad boy Cullen. It would be the years biggest scandal and I couldn't put her through that. And I would disappoint her. I know I would. I'm no good.

Not that it matters. She would never want to be with me for real and for good reason.

I have not let myself think about what will happen when Jasper get's back. Summer seems endless. But it's not.

My brother forces me to recognize that it can't continue. I've gotta end it.

"You gotta end it," Emmett repeats. "Before you get in any deeper. End it."

There are so many reasons to do what he's telling me to do. This thing we're doin' is morally reprehensible. Beyond the fact that she is with my best friend, I need to end it because Bella deserves so much better than me. I'd just hold her back. And although I want her to have her own dreams separate from Jazz's, there's no denying that she's better off with him.

Bella deserves the best. And that'd be Jasper. Definitely not me.

"I hear you," I tell my brother, sounding as miserable as I feel. "I just don't want to let her go."

"You've gotta."

"I've gotta."

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><p>I don't see Bella for five days. I ignore her calls and don't go anywhere near her house because I'm a motherfucking coward. The prospect of doing what I know I have to do is so goddamn painful I'm avoidin' it.<p>

Just like I avoided thinkin' about the future. Just like I avoided thinkin' about my best friend.

Emmett watches me mope around the house and the garage with sad, wary eyes, but doesn't say nothin'. I'm glad. I've had enough of talkin' with him, and as irrational as it is, a little part of me is pissed he made me see, made me think.

But I know he's right. I've got to end it.

She's left me some very angry messages. I've been livin' off beer because food don't sit right in my stomach.

I pick up extra shift at the garage Em owns just to keep busy. Fixin' stuff is easy. I'm good at it. I know cars.

It's refreshin' to know what I'm doin' for once.

The blasting country music makes it impossible to hear and the sweaty work keeps me from thinkin' too much.

It's probably also the reason I'm total shocked to see Bella standin' above me, arms crossed over her chest and scowl on her pretty face, when I emerge from under a car.

"Holy shit," I declare, jumpin' at the sight of her. My heart hammers in my chest – at first because she scared me but then because it always does that when she's around – and I feel like a pansy.

"Well hello to you too, Edward Cullen," she drawls. Her whole stance and vibe conveys just how pissed she is at me, but still, its so fuckin' good to see her. I can't help but smile at her a little.

"Isabella," I say, nodding at her.

It's wrong. I know I shouldn't help but rake eyes over her smokin' hot body. She looks so good in her little denim shorts and white v-neck. Best part is I know just what she looks like under all that.

"Don't you do that," she snaps, eyes narrowing at me.

"Do what?" I ask, fighting my grin. I like her feisty.

"Undressin' me with your eyeballs."

"Can't help it," I tell her with a rueful chuckle.

"Edward," she says, totally serious now. "What is going on?"

And then I remember. What is goin' on is that I have to end it. As much as it hurts me, I know what I have to do. I hang my head and look away, unable deal with all this pain.

She lets out a frustrated huff.

"Look," she continues, her voice softer now. "I know this is complicated. And I know the morning after Mike's party and going to church and Jasper's call changed things somehow. We're goin' to talk about it. We've been friends too long to not talk about it."

I wince at the word friends. She doesn't notice. Or at least she pretends not to notice.

"I know you're workin' so I'll go." And as irrational as it is, I don't want her to go. I want her to stay right with me forever. "But promise you'll come over tonight when you're off? Please? So we can talk?"

I don't think I want to know what she has to say. I don't think I want her to hear what I have to say.

I look up at Bella, only to see she beggin' me with pleadin' eyes. Damn those eyes. They always she her just what she wants.

"I promise."

She sends me a sad little smile, kisses my cheek, and slips out the ways she came.

It's hard to go back to work, after that. Knowin' what I have to do to night and wonderin' what she has to say.


	6. In The End

**Happy day after Halloween to those of you who like to get dressed up and go out. I was a skeleton. Jax Skellington (Get it, any of you Nightmare Before Christmas fans? I felt pretty clever).**

**Please don't hate me too much for this chapter. Did I mention that I am a firm believer in HEA? Well, I am.**

**We meet Jasper next chapter.**

**I don't own anything.**

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><p>BPOV<p>

August

"This was so much fun!" squeals Jessica as she comes to an abrupt stop in front of my dark house. She is a terrible driver. Sitting in the front seat while she's at wheel is enough to give you a heart attack. "Seriously, we should make dinner with the five of us a weekly thing."

The rest of the girls voice their agreement. I don't have the energy.

"Thanks for the ride, Jess," I say, opening my door and attempting to make a quick escape.

"No prob!"

"Bella," Rose calls when I'm halfway out of the vehicle. She's been sending me concerned looks all evening. She obviously knows something's up. I very reluctantly turn back to her, trying to keep my face pleasant. "Don't forget your leftovers."

I take the doggie bag from her, managing a small tight smile. She scowls at me before pulling me into a hug. I wince because she holds me a little too tight.

"You need to eat," she whispers in my ear. "Don't think I haven't noticed that you've lost about twenty pounds in the last week. Do you want me to come in?"

I shake my head and pull away.

"Bye, girls," I say with fake cheerleader bubbliness. "Have a good night."

As I walk up my driveway I check my phone, frowning when I see nothin' from Edward. He promised to come over after work, but I haven't heard from him. His hours are always weird so I don't know if he's workin' late or blowing me off.

I unlock my front door and flick on more lights than necessary. I hate being home alone, especially at night. Light only makes it feel less empty.

I drag my sorry and depressed butt upstairs to my room, wondering what's goin' on with Edward. Maybe he doesn't want me anymore. He never stays with one girl long so I should have been prepared for this moment, but I was too busy lettin' myself fall for him to think through much of anything.

With a heavy sigh, I drop my purse on my bed and move to my closet to put on something more comfortable than the cocktail dress the girls insisted upon for dinner. Kicking off my heels, I struggle with the zipper at my back, letting the bodice fall to expose my strapless bra.

"Hey."

At the unexpected sound I scream and then grab my hairbrush as I spin around, ready to clock the intruder in the face before running outside to call the police.

The deep, male chuckle is familiar.

I take a few steps towards my bed, peaking over it to see Edward sitting on the floor under my window, casually sippin' a beer.

"What were you gonna do?" he asks. "Brush me to death."

I chuck the object in question at him, thrilled that he lets out a curse when I get him square in the chest. I pull up the front of my dress, holding it o me chest to cover myself up and blushing furiously.

"What in the hell are you doin' here?" I demand. I don't ask how he got in. Edward used to sneak in through my bedroom window rather frequently back around the time his daddy finally left for good. The sleeping bag I'd roll out for him still lives in my closet even though Edward hasn't done this in years.

As we got older and I got more serious with Jazz, it just became too strange.

"You said you wanted to talk," he reminds me, rising from the floor and approaching me slowly. "I came by after work and you weren't here. Figured I'd wait. Nice dress."

My light pink strapless dress looks so stupid compared with is casual jeans and plaid shirt.

"Thank you," I murmur, blushing and clutching the top closer. His gaze makes me nervous. We stand there in awkward silence for a moment and again I wonder what exactly changed. I wonder why it's so suddenly tense in here.

"I should change," I say, gesturing to the closet behind me. Despite knowin' that we really do need a conversation, part of me wants him to tell me not to bother. Part of me wants him to take off my clothes for me.

"I'll wait," he says, turning to look out my window and leaving me crushingly disappointed.

"Okay."

I shut myself in the closet and wiggle out of my dress. After pullin' on a pair of athletic shorts, I go to grab an oversized t-shirt. I am reaching for the door handle when I realize it's Jazz's shirt. I change in to one of mine before going out to face Edward.

He's lookin' at a picture of Jazz and I as prom king and queen last year that sits on my desk. I resist the urge to slam the photo face down and just not think about all that complicates my time with Edward.

My limited time with Edward.

"We gotta end it, Bella," he says, so quietly I have a hard time hearin' him.

And this wasn't totally unexpected after the last few days, it still makes me feel like there is a giant hole forming right in the middle of my chest. I even have to lean slightly against my bed to hide the fact that my knees are shaking.

I close my eyes, tryin' to gain a little equilibrium. It is quite for a long time.

"Bella?" he asks. "Did you hear me?"

I just nod, not able to look at him yet.

More silence.

And suddenly I get angry – at him, me, the whole situation. I get angry that he is tired of me, that summer is winding down and he done with me. I get angry that he would sleep with his best friend's girl. I get angry because he is makin' me feel cheap, used, whoreish. I get angry because he obviously doesn't feel how I feel.

I get angry because it's preferable to hurt and it's all my fault.

"Bella?"

When I finally summon the courage to open my eyes, I find him standin' right in front of me. I jump in surprise before turnin' bright red and scowlin' up at him.

"So that's it huh?" I yell, placing both hands on his chest and pushing him back with all my meager might. In his surprise he takes a big old step back, gaping at me. "Summer's over and you got what you want from me so now you just end it? Just like that?"

I'm fuming and it's obviously scaring Edward, who is used to me being passionate but still maintainin' some dignity.

In this moment, I've completely lost all decorum.

"Bella, you know it's not like that—"

"What's it like then?" I continue to yell and give him another good shove. Gettin' physical is totally out of character for me, just like lettin' someone push him around is totally out of character for Edward. I push him again, causing him to bump into my desk.

The picture of Jazz and I at prom topples over.

Edward's eyes darken and his nostrils flare.

"Look, I'm just tryin' to do the right thing here," he says. His voice is unbearably calm and steady. It makes me even madder that I'm freakin' out and he is totally unaffected, emotionless. I want something from him, anything to indicate that this is even a little bit hard for him.

That lettin' me go makes him feel anything at all.

"The right thing!" I shout incredulously. "You've really been _so_ concerned with the right thing this summer."

"Bella," he says, sounding mildly irritated now. "Jasper comes home in two goddamn weeks."

"Don't take the Lord's name in vain!" I yell back, hurling a tiny, ineffectual fist into his peck. It probably hurt me more than it hurt him, but he grabs my hand, stilling against his chest.

"I suggest you stop tryin' to rough me up." He voice is low and dangerous now. It sends a shiver up my spin, but not out of fear. It's more need. Desire.

Scowling at him becomes hard. I want to cry and kiss him at the same time.

"Did you really think we could just continue on like this when your boyfriend got back?" Edward asks, appearing composed again.

I want to tell him that Jasper doesn't feel like my boyfriend anymore. That Jasper has never made me feel like Edward does.

But I don't. Can't. He's over it. Over me.

"Don't lay this all on me! He's your best friend!" I scream, hands fisting at my sides.

"And that's exactly why I'm endin' it!"

Finally he yells. Finally he is showing me he feels anything at all.

"Fine! Get out then!" I gesture wildly towards my bedroom door.

"Bella." I hate his cajoling tone as he attempts to sooth me. I find it quite patronizing. "This isn't easy for me either, but I don't get why you're so violently pissed at me."

"Than you are stupider than you look," I spit back.

"What did you think would happen?" he demands. I get a sick sense of joy that he is yellin' and irritated again. "Did you really think you could have us both? That you could get your kicks with the kid from the wrong side of the tracks and keep up your image with your perfect boyfriend on your arm?"

I slap him.

Oh my God, I slap him!

It doesn't seem real even as my hand stings and Edward slowly rubs his jaw.

I squeak and throw my hands over my mouth when it sinks in that I really did that. I've never slapped anyone before. Never thought I would.

I'm still so angry and I can tell he's angry too.

That slap felt really good.

And still I get nothin' from him but a blank stare.

So I try to hit him again because I don't know how else to deal with all I'm feeling. The hurt, pain, and confusion. Except he catches my wrist, preventing palm to face contact and bringing my body closer to his. I feel too hot and I can't catch my breath.

So I do the obvious thing and lay a big one on him.

Kissing him does not make it any better.

Much like the slap, I don't know which of us is more surprised by obviously insane actions – Edward or me. But pretty much two seconds after contact it doesn't seem to matter that I'm acting like a crazy person and he just dumped me. This kissin' thing seems to be a real good outlet for all the things ragin' inside me.

This is stupid. This is goin' to make it hurt that much more when he leaves.

But this frantic passion that explodes between us is not somethin' I can ignore or control. We simply go nuts for each other. Edward lifts me off the ground, his arms tight around my waist. Never do his lips leave mine even as we fall to my bed. We land harder than should be comfortable, but I don't care because there are no spaces between our bodies.

We are rough with each other in a way that we haven't been before. It's desperate and scary, but so all consuming I can't help but continue.

He devours my mouth, and I tug at his hair. He has us both undressed faster than I thought possible, and for once I don't stress about where he learned to get a bra off so easily.

His touch lights me on fire, makes my body sing. His mouth, his hands… I can't think. Which is good. Because thinkin' involves pain.

As long as he keeps touching me, I don't have to deal with my total mess of my life.

I clutch at his shoulders, moanin' beneath him as his fingers make magic – swirling, rubbing, probing. It builds and I feel myself quaking. I can't bear to look at him as his fingers curl forward, he increases the pressure of his thumb, and his teeth gently scrap that spot on my neck I didn't even know existed until this summer.

I let out a cry and hide my face in Edward's neck, tryin' to savor every little moment because I'll never be this close to him again.

And I should stop.

But I don't want too.

Blindly, still unable to look at him, I grasp his hips, silently indicating that I want him.

God, how I want him. How I love him. It hurts that he obviously doesn't feel the same way. It hurts that he is more concerned with doin' the right thing than I am.

I fail to stifle a sob, and Edward stops abruptly at the noise.

"Bella," he says, his voice low and breaking. "I'm sorry… We shouldn't…. I just—"

"Please," I whisper, my voice so small.

He hears me anyway, and I'm so thankful that he pushes in to me without me havin' to beg him anymore.

My head drops to the pillow, and I force my eyes open because this is the last time and I don't want to miss any part of this.

He is gazin' down at me with such intensity I have to close my eyes again. "Bella," he chokes out. I feel his fingertips on my face.

I move my hips and grab each other his butt cheeks. He gets the idea and starts to move, settin' in to a rhythm that is steady and deep.

And it feels so good. It makes me feel whole, complete.

Part of me is relieved that he obviously wants me as I want him. Even though he doesn't love me like I love him, at least now I know that this one thing between us is extraordinary. At least he will remember this.

This seems like an appropriate goodbye.

Goodbye.

I let out a little whimper at the thought, consumed by both pleasure and pain. Edward lets out a similar sound and I open my eyes, not understanding why he appears to be suffering as much as I am.

Our gazes lock and suddenly causing all these emotions to heighten considerably. Too much, even,

"Edward," I groan, my hands explorin' the muscles of his back.

"Bella," he replies.

The way he says my name makes me cry. Edward notices and his pace falters as he wipes at my damp cheeks. I touch his face too, bringing his lips down to mine so I can kiss him.

Our movements and touches turn frenzied again, and it doesn't take long for us both to find release.

Edward collapses onto me with my name on his lips, and I start to panic.

That was it. The last time. That hole gets bigger.

What did I just do?

What have I been doin' all summer?

When did everything about myself become so totally unrecognizable?

"Get out," I tell him, disturbin' our fragile peace.

This is bad. So, so, so bad. I'm really on the verge of complete losin' it. And I want to do it in private. I'm still under Edward, and I can't breath. I push at his chest, needing him to go away.

When he rolls off me, lying on his back at my side, it only gets worst. We aren't touching anymore.

"Bella," he says, voice gravelly. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to do."

This would be a good time to tell him how I feel. To be brave for once in my life. To take a risk even if there is next to no chance I'll get what I want.

But I don't. Because I'm scared and hurt. Because everything is so new. Because his rejection will kill me – and Edward doesn't do emotions so he definitely would reject me.

"Get out," I whisper, closin' my eyes to ward off the tears.

"Please, just… We can't just leave things this way. We should really talk, Bella. I don't want you to get hurt." He is talkin' very fast, soundin' all nervous and far from his typical laid back, drawling self.

I can't handle it.

"Please," I beg, still not looking'at him. "Just get out. Get out!"

Edward must sense that I'm moments away from a full-blown panic attack, and the bed shifts as he gets out of it. For the last time ever, he leaves my bed. It seems like it takes him forever to get dressed.

I open one eye, checking to see if he's gone. Instead, I see him lingering in my doorway, staring at me in a way that breaks my already broken heart. He just looks so sad.

"I'll miss you," he says quietly.

And then he's gone.

* * *

><p>Five days later I find myself standing in front of Edward's house with a lasagna in my arms and a letter tucked in to my bag. It's noon on a Wednesday. Edward is always at work at noon on Wednesdays.<p>

I'm just standing there, biting my lip and summoning the courage to go in. It's terrifying, even knowing that he isn't inside.

I've been spending a lot of time just thinkin' – about who I am, what I want, where I see my future goin'. This summer, my life and how I see myself as a person has totally changed. For the first time, I don't have a plan. I'm not entirely sure where I'll be in the next five year or even where I'll end up for college.

All I'm sure about is I want Edward around, in my life somehow – preferably a lover and worst case a friend.

As for Jasper, how could I possible be with him when I feel this way for Edward?

He gets back in a little over a week. I hope to tell him everything then. With Edward's blessin', of course. Because it isn't just my decision. They're best friends, and if Edward doesn't want me to tell Jasper than I wont.

Even if Edward doesn't want me I can't stay with Jasper knowin' there is so much more.

But even though I'm tellin' Edward anything at all about how I feel, I'm still pretty much a total coward.

Thus the letter and apology lasagna delivered when he's at work.

I should never have screamed at him, hit him, thrown myself at him, and kicked him out. I am horrified at my behavior. It was like I was possessed by some sort of mutant, crazy Bella. Now I see I should have just told him how I felt. He was just tryin' to do the right thing, hash it out, but I wouldn't even talk to him.

I will now. The letter makes that real clear, says all the things I'm not brave enough to tell him to his face.

But I'm workin' on it.

It seems like I spend a lot of time standin' on his front lawn, mountin' my courage.

So I go inside, good thing the Cullen brothers never bother to lock their front door.

The place is the mess. In the few days since I've been here, all my tidying was completely ruined. Boys are such slobs. Shakin' my head, I clear a spot on the counter to set down my lasagna and start pickin' up beer bottles and other random trash.

"Back for more, E—" At the sound of the very feminine and familiar voice before me, I whip around, knockin' over a few bottles in the process. "Oh, shit. What in the hell are you doin' here?"

"Me!" I reply, aghast. "What're you doin' here?"

I gape at my best friend in shock, strugglin' to process what I'm seein'.

Which is Rosalie, standin' in the hallway that leads to the bedroom in nothin' but her panties and an oversized Panthers t-shirt.

There is really only one explanation for what I'm seein'. I just don't want to believe it.

"Are you _cleanin'_?" she spits out, obviously no more happy to see me than I am to see her.

"_To bad Edward and I didn't work."_ Her words from our girl's night weeks ago echo in my ears and break my heart.

"Just throwin' away a few things," I mutter as I rake my brain for an explanation. Any other explanation.

"Is that lasagna?" she demands incredulously.

Feelin' like the biggest idiot in all of Texas, I can't seem to take my eyes of Rosalie. She is just so much hotter than I am. Her legs are just so damn long.

"They hardly ever manage to cook a decent meal. All they have to do is stick it in the over," I defend.

"Is that somethin' you do often?" she asks, her eyes narrowing in suspicion.

"On occasion. Edward's my friend." I feel about an inch tall.

She has legs. I have lasagna.

And in this moment I hate her. Even if it's totally unfair. Even if she has absolutely no idea what Edward means to me because I chose to keep that from her. I hate her.

"Right."

"So," I venture, ready to ask what I really don't want to ask because I have to know for sure. "Did you spend the night?"

Rosalie looks down, suddenly findin' the wood floor fascinating.

"Yeah," she begrudgingly admits.

"You and Edward, together again." I really tried not to sound bitter but my voice is laced with malice.

Rosalie looks at me again, studyin' me. I wonder if she knows. I wonder if she can tell just by the sound of my voice.

"That would be the reasonable explanation, wouldn't it?" she replies after a long time.

"Guess so. Hey, we'll talk later. I've got things to do."

"Take care. And, Bells? Please keep this on the down low? Please?"

I nod before gettin' the heck outta there.

I leave the lasagna but take the letter.

* * *

><p>EPOV<p>

When I get home from work, with a half empty case tucked under my arm and bottle dangling in my hand, the last thing I expect – or want – to see is Rosalie Hale.

And it's nothin' personal. Rose is cool in a sorta scary, flamin' liberal, kick you in the nuts kinda way. She is certainly super hot and unlike anyone else in small town Dillon.

We hooked up a few times years ago and now she is Bella's best girlfriend.

Thus me havin' no desire to see her.

Anythin' that reminds me even a little bit of Bella makes my chest ache. I still don't understand what happened in her bedroom, and I have been too drunk and cowardly to try to see her and figure it out since then.

Fuck, I miss her.

"Should really start lockin' this," I declare as I stumble through into the kitchen. "Just anyone could walk right on in."

Faster than my drunk eyes are able to register, Rosalie hops up from the couch, stalks over to me, and punches me right in the face. My cheek's really gonna hurt when all this booze leaves my system.

So I'll just have to stay drunk forever.

Damn, that girl can hit. Where'd she learn that shit? Why the fuck is she in my house?

"That's sure happenin' a lot lately," I muse, takin' a thoughtful drag from my bottle.

"Because you deserve it for bein' a giant asshole!" Rosalie rants, brandishing her fists at me. I shy away, worried she's gonna hit me again.

"Why're you in my house?" Maybe I'm passed out in my truck somewhere and this whole surreal situation is just a bizarre dream.

Why aren't I dreamin' about Bella?

I close my eyes and try really hard to turn this into a Bella dream, but I only succeed in makin' myself real sad and lonely.

"Dude." Emmett flicks my forehead and I open my eyes.

Where did he even come from?

"Why do people think it's okay to be fuckin' around with my face?" I mutter, holding my not even cold any more beer bottle to my forehead. Fuck. The beer is not cold. Dragging my feet, I move to the fridge to shove what's left of my 12-pack on in there.

Lasagna! There is nothin' in this fridge but pickles, condiments, beer, and lasagna.

"Was Bella here?" I demand, wheeling around. I'm a little surprised to see my brother and former lover standing about two feet behind me, wearing similar scowls.

"How did you know that?" Emmett asks, eyes narrowing at me.

"She's always tryin' to feed us right," I mutter, closing the fridge after grabbing a fresh beer and feelin' miserable.

I just miss her so much.

"Edward!" Emmett grabs my shoulders and shakes me with unnecessary violence. I cower away from him as he continues to yell at me. "Goddamnit, will you focus on what we're sayin' for two minutes? Jesus, you smell like a distillery."

"Em," I say, grabbing his face and pullin' it towards mine so he knows just how serious I am. "You can't drink all day unless you start in the morning."

"Jesus, Ed," my brother mutters. I grin at him, lettin' out a little chuckle.

"Through an unfortunate series of events and a slight lie of omission on my part, Bella may be laboring under the impression that you and I slept together last night." All this explodes out of Rosalie at an alarmin' speed. All I can do is sway and blink at her for a minute.

"Say what now?" I finally manage to ask.

"This is hopeless," Rosalie says with a huff, roundin' on my brother now. "We need to sober him up before we figure out what to do here."

"Coffee," Em says, pluckin' the bottle out of my hand.

"Fuck you," I say, my words tumbling around on my tongue. I attempt to get it back, shrugging before reaching into the fridge for another. But my brother fucks that up for me too by doin; some sort of ninja move and keeps it closed with his foot.

"I've got the coffee," Rosalie says, shoving me towards Em. "You just keep him out of my way."

It doesn't occur to me that Rosalie's presence in my house is damn suspicious until about twenty minutes later. Mario Cart is real tough when you can't see right and Emmett beats me four times before I lose focus.

"Em," I say, pushing random buttons and not even lookin' at the TV. "Remember you got all weird and babbly about havin' a secret affair?"

"Drink your coffee, Edward," Rosalie demands. She is sittin' in between Emmett and myself. A little too close to Emmett.

"Not until someone tells me what the fuck is goin' on here," I snap back. It's a little startling how quick I've gone from happy drunk to emo drunk to fuckin' pissed off tonight.

But I'm real tired of people refusing to talk to me.

"Rose, we talked about this. We've gotta tell him," Emmett says, placing a hand on my former fuck buddy's shoulder.

"I just don't trust him," Rosalie mutters, shooting daggers at me with her eyeballs.

"That's offensive," I tell her. "How could you not trust this face?"

I give her a dazzlin' smile before I remember that my cheek really hurts.

"Edward," Em scolds. "I'm not havin' this talk with you unless you promise to remember in the morning. Now drink your fucking coffee."

Three cups of coffee, four pisses, and six Mario Cart races later, Em and Rosalie finally deem me sober enough to actually tell me what's up.

"So how long have you two been fuckin'?" I ask, causing Rosalie to scowl and Emmett to wince.

"We're not fuckin'," Em replies.

Rosalie looks at him like he's insane.

"We're not just fuckin'" Emmett corrects. Rose nods in approval and he grins at her – the poor whipped fool.

How the fuck did I not figure out that this was goin' on?

"How long have you two been not just fuckin'?" I ask, being a bit of a smart ass I'll admit.

"Awhile," Emmett admits.

"She's good, huh?" I grin lazily at my brother.

Probably didn't need to add that, but I'm not totally sober and I miss Bella so much, I don't really know what to do with myself.

Emmett reaches around Rose to smack the side of the face.

"Fuck," I shout before punching Emmett repetitively in the shoulder. "Leave my fuckin' face the fuck alone!"

Rose, trapped between the two of us, shoves me away. "Enough!" Her voice holds enough authority that we both listen to her.

"I love her, dude," Emmett tells me, shockin' the shit outta me. "You can't talk shit about her. I won't stand for it."

Rose rolls her eyes.

"Well fuck," I reply, sittin' back against the arm of the couch, totally stunned. "How the fuck did I miss this?"

"We're real careful," Em, explains. "Rose doesn't turn eighteen until the end of the month. We've gotta keep it hush hush."

My brother, breakin' the law.

"I don't get it," I say, lookin' at Rose now. "He's so old."

I scoot away from the pair of them because it looks like they both would like to take another smack at me.

"I'm twenty-five," Emmett defends. "Not a fuckin' retiree."

"If you tell anyone besides Bella, I will murder you in your bed, got that, Cullen?" Rosalie is so scary.

"Why would I tell Bel…Bella?" I try to sound cool, casual, but my voice breaks over her name. I rub at my chest with my palm, tryin' in vain to get some of that pain to dissipate.

"You have to," Emmett says.

"Bella showed up here this morning and I was here in only one of Em's old t-shirts. She asked if I spent the night with you and I didn't actually say yes but my answer led her to believe you and I are sleepin' together again," Rose explains in a rush.

At first I'm pleased that she was here. She wants to talk. She can't stand the way we left things either.

But then I get fuckin' pissed because now she thinks I'm carryin' on with her best friend.

Oh, what a fucked up web we weave.

"Why the fuck would you lie, Rosalie?" I demand, tuggin' at my hair. This is so fucked up and I can't catch a good breath.

Bella will never talk to me again now.

"I didn't know about the two of you!" Rose defends. "I thought she was just here to drop off some food. I was tryin' to keep my own secret, thank you very much. How the fuck was I supposed to know that she's sleepin' with you! "

"You told her!" I scream at Emmett.

"I had no choice! When Rose told me what happened this mornin' I had to tell her why it's a very, very bad thing that Bella thinks the two of you are hookin' up!"

"And what the fuck are you thinkin' anyway!" Rose screams. She looks like a demon with her face all contorted with rage. "You're takin' advantage of a broken girl! Do you have any idea what this thing with her dad has done to her? She is vulnerable and lonely and you and your fuckin' syph dick took advantage!"

"Of course I know! And I didn't mean to take advantage. I just wanted to help her! And I do not have syphilis! Shit, Rose," I reply, burying my face in my hands.

I fuckin' hate all this shit.

"She's datin' your best friend!" Roseli screeches. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I love her," I admit. I'm gonna blame my sudden over share on the booze and my misery.

At my confession, Rosalie seems to deflate. With a heavy sigh, she sits back against the cushions in apparent exhaustion. We all just sit in silence for a while, staring blankly and processing all this new and shockin' info.

Fuck, I can't let Bella go on thinkin' that I slept with Rose.

"What're you doin'?" Em asks as I pat myself down, searchin' for my cell. I find it in my back pocket.

"Callin' Bella," I explain, departin' for my bedroom and a little privacy.

"Tell her I'm sorry!" Rose demands just before I close the door behind me.

* * *

><p><strong>You guys are lucky. I was going to have the EPOV for next chapter but I thought the suspense would kill a lot of you. I was feeling kind I guess. Thanks for reading and pretty please review! <strong>


	7. The Return

**Hey there, my lovely, lovely, readers. How everyone's having a great day.**

**Thanks for reading and reviewing. It seriously makes my day.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

><p>BPOV<p>

"May I join you?"

My father gestures towards the lounge chair next to mine, pulling me from my thoughts. It just goes to show what a sorry state of affairs my life is that I'm relieved. Talkin' to my dirt bag parent is a preferable alternative to hangin' out in my own head.

"Why the hell not?" I say with a shrug. He raises an eyebrow at my language but says nothing as he takes a seat next to mine, stretching out his toned calves and turning his face towards the sun.

"Where's Mom?" I ask, my gaze focused on the blurry horizon where sea meets sky.

"The spa. She invited you. Remember?"

"Right." I nod absently. In the week since I left Dillon, I've had a hard time keepin' much of anything in my head.

Besides Edward. And he's the one thing I wish I could get out.

Charlie sighs heavily next to me, and I turn to look at my dad for the first time today. He is still annoying handsome with his dark hair, blue eyes, and boyish grin. The one thing I don't get is his mustache. He's had it since I can remember and he claims that it's his signature. Apparently, he grew it out while he was taking the Panthers to state and never looked back.

"We should have never left you alone this summer," he mutters, shaking his head and frowning at me.

"What makes you say that?" I ask, a little alarmed. Since my arrival in Kona, we haven't talked about anything real. The three of us have just been tip-toeing around each other here in paradise.

"Bella," he says, turning in his chair so his feet are in the sand and he's facing me. "You obviously aren't okay. What's goin' on?"

I let out a snort. "What? Are you actually trying to be a parent now? Why bother?"

Charlie turns red and looks down. I feel so guilty. Never before have I talked to him like that. I've always been a good kid. I never gave my parents any problems. I was part of our perfect little family. Now that was obviously all a sham, but part of me still feels guilty for being such a bitch.

Old habits die hard, I guess.

"I'm still your dad, Isabella," he says quietly. I can't tell if he's sad or he's mad. "That hasn't changed."

Now I'm the one sighing.

"I know," I reply, closing my eyes to keep them from watering. "Believe me I know."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that we are clearly related. I am so much like you. It's obvious I'm your daughter," I say.

"I'm gonna take that as a compliment," he says with a very forced chuckle.

"You shouldn't," I reply. "You know, I'm comin' to see that I'm the very worst of you and mom."

I'm a cheater like my dad. And I'm seriously considering carrying out my life plans with Jasper just to find a little stability, just like my mom.

"Bella," Charlie replies, gettin' all prickly now. "You're a great kid. You are kind, selfless, studious."

He continues to go on and on about my awesomeness. Each adjective he uses to describe me makes me feel more and more like a phony. We he calls me God-faring and virtuous, I lose my mind a little.

"Just stop!" I demand.

"Bella, enough!" he replies. "What's goin' on? Is this about Jasper? Because your mother pointed out that you flew out here right when he was gettin' back after bein' away all summer."

"It's not about Jasper. Not really," I mutter. We are getting dangerously close to forbidden topics. Talk of boyfriends and best friends and best friends sleepin' with other best friends makes me unstable. I've been struggling to find a little peace since I saw Rosalie half naked in Edward's house, but Charlie is ruining all that with his questions.

I've got about a zillon messages from both Rose and Edward. I delete them all without listening.

"Whatever's goin' on, I'm sure you'll be fine. You and Jazz are the perfect couple. The two of you are goin' places. This is just a rough patch, but it will get better. You two were meant to be," Charlie assures me.

Something about his oblivious and hypocritical words make me go a little crazy. Doesn't he know by now there's no such thing as perfect?

"I cheated with Edward Cullen." The words seem to just burst out of my lungs. I throw a hand over my mouth. Charlie and I share similar looks of horror. We just stare at each other for a while.

Where the hell did that come from?

Charlie clears his throat. "What did you just say?" he asks, sounding far too scary for a former football player turned car salesman.

"I'm not repeating it."

He stands abruptly, startling me so much I almost fall out of my own chair.

"Where're you going?" I demand we he beings to gather his stuff – sandals, sunscreen, and a Tom Clancy novel.

"Back to Dillon," he replies as if this should be obvious. "I have a Cullen Brother to decapitate."

This little display of macho father protectiveness is highly irritating.

"Sit down, you filthy old hypocrite," I tell him, pleased by the authority in my voice. Charlie must hear it too because he actually sits. "I shouldn't have told you that. I don't know what came over me."

I'm going to blame this Hawaii heat.

"You obviously told me for a reason. And that reason is to kick Cullen's ass!" Charlie yells, obviously flustered.

But his words make me think. Why did I just tell him?

Probably to prove how alike we are. Probably so make it crystal clear that perfection doesn't exist. I am not the perfect daughter, girlfriend, or anything else for that matter. And he is far from the perfect father.

Maybe I just want to hurt him like he hurt me. His isn't who I thought he was and now he sees that I'm not who he thought I was either.

"It's not Edward's fault. It's mine. Like father like daughter," I say, giving him a rueful smile.

Charlie's face breaks. When he gets up to leave this time, I don't stop him. I've succeeding in hurting my father. It doesn't take my pain away. It only makes it worse.

* * *

><p>EPOV<p>

"Where the fuck have you been?"

I am startled awake by the sound of my best friends voice. Totally confused and discombobulated, I blink up at him, not sure if I'm really awake.

He is looming over me, arms crossed over his chest and a scowl on his pretty-boy face.

"Two months and no phone call," he continues. "I'm hurt."

"Uh," I stutter, not havin' a clue what to say. Does he know? I was totally fuckin' avoidin' him all summer. Has he talked to Bella? Bella. Wow, I really miss Bella. "Sorry?"

Jasper glares for another minutes before grinnin' and then doubling over in laughter.

What the fuck? This must be a dream.

"Dude," he says, floppin' forward on to my bed and knockin' the wind out of me in the process. "It's cool. I was just fuckin' with you. A little birdy told me you've been in one of those no one sees you, partyin' with who knows who phases."

"Yeah…"

Jasper shuffles around until he is sittin' next to me instead of lyin' on top of me. He gives me a big old grin and I can't help but grin back.

Fuck.

This summer, I've done a good job focusin' on the negative of my best friend. I vilified him, thinkin' about how he didn't stick around for Bella or how he is so football focused, but mostly that's bullshit.

He's Jasper, all around great guy and my best friend.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"I missed you, buddy," he says, playin' the drums on my chest for a minute and continuing to smile.

I forgot how Jasper still acts like a happy little kid most of the time.

"Dude," I reply, playfully bumpin' my shoulder against his. "This is feelin' a little gay."

He has a good long laugh at that.

"Come on, lover," he says, standing and stretching his arms over his head. "Buy me breakfast. If you're lucky, I'll give you a big ol' kiss after."

I chuck a pillow at him. I hear his laughter as he leaves my room and walks down the hall.

* * *

><p>Jasper and I talk football as we sit, order, and eat. This is a good, neutral topic. It is the thing we have in common that we can actually talk about – unlike the fact that we are both in love with the same girl.<p>

Fuck.

It's a struggle for me to just sit here and pretend that everythin' is fine, nothin' has changed. But football makes it better. We can talk football for hours.

But still, I feel so fuckin' guilty.

Lucky for me, my natural, broody personality makes it easier. I'm quite, sullen, and mysterious. Jazz is friendly, outgoin', and charismatic. So if I don't speak much it seems commonplace. No one knows that I'm really freakin' out about how I could do somethin' like this to my best friend.

And how much I miss his girl.

Fuck, I miss her, wish she would talk to me, text me, anythin'. But she basically just disappeared. She let Rose know that she's with her parents in Hawaii, but that's it.

"So," Jasper says. His tone makes me nervous, so I refill my coffee mug just to have something to do. "How worried should I be?"

"'Bout what?"

"'Bout my girlfriend suddenly up and leavin' for the tropics moments before I return home," he says, all business now.

It's fucked up how insanely jealous I am that he can so casually refer to her as his girlfriend. I hope he appreciates her, what he has.

I squint down at my coffee for a while, not really knowin' what to say. It's not like I can tell him the truth. That shit would destroy him. But he really should be worried. This girlfriend is a different person now. She isn't so sure anymore about anything – her future, her faith, her boyfriend, herself.

But in some way she is more confident too. At least in the bedroom. It was a nice little evolution, seein' her go from shy and blushin' to a downright sex goddess.

Fuck, I really shouldn't be thinkin' about that at a time like this.

I really am a terrible, horrible individual. It makes me a little sick to think about how truly, unredeemably bad I am.

"She made it sound like she only saw you a handful of times. At a couple parties and shit," he pushes when I don't answer.

Bella really covered her tracks, probably only tellin' him about the few times we were seen in public together. This hurts too, even if it shouldn't.

I scratch absently at my ear and nod before answerin' his original question.

"She's not the same, Jazz," I say, decidin' I'm gonna tell him as much of the truth as I can. Briefly I even consider confessin' everything. But I'd never do that without Bella's go ahead. And I think it would be more for me than him. I would be makin' him miserable to ease my own guilt.

Or maybe that's just more fucked up justification to lie to him. I honestly can't even tell anymore.

"What do you mean?" he asks, his brow furrowing in concern.

"She's… Well, this thing with her dad really fucked her up," I reply. "Made her question a lot of stuff."

Jazz lets out a big sigh.

"She's sounds perfectly normal when we talk on the phone," Jasper mutters.

"You know Bella," I reply with a little chuckle. I hope I sound normal. That my voice doesn't betray how hard it is for me to talk to him about this. "She don't like to be a burden to nobody. So… Have you talked to her since she left?"

I'm really workin' to hard to sound casual. Too hard. My voice sounds unnaturally casual. But Jazz doesn't seem to notice.

"Just the occasional text," he says. "She left a message right before she got on her plane, explain' and shit. But apparently she don't get much service at the house they're stayin' at."

I nod, oddly relieved that I'm not the only one she ain't talkin' to.

"Hopefully goin' away with her family will begin the healin'," I say.

Jasper lets out one barkin' laugh. "You've always been oddly insightful for a dumb, drunk footballer," he says, grinning.

And just like that I know we are out of the woods. There will be no more Bella talk.

"So what did I miss? Who's fuckin' who? Who's not talkin' to who? Let's hear it," Jazz demands, leaning back against the booth.

"Shit, Jazz," I say, shakin' my head at him. "You're askin' the wrong person. You know I have no patience for that shit."

"Alright, alright," he says with a chuckle. "At least tell me this. You still seein' Tanya Denali on the regular?"

I am so far removed from the guy who had no problem casually fuckin' Tanya Denali. It feels like a lifetime ago. Guess this summer hasn't just been transformative for Bella.

"Naw," I scoff. "I don't have no patience for that shit either."

Jasper laughs again and I smile. I'm reminded just how infectious it is. People are drawn to Jazz. He's a natural born leader and gifted speaker. In the huddle its almost like he can control the teams emotions, some how sensing what we feel and knowin' just what to say to get the desired results on the field.

The guys would follow him to hell and back.

I would too, as fucked up as that sounds.

"Dude," he says, cuttin' off his laughter abruptly. "Who the hell is that?"

I turn to see Coach's daughter a couple of tables behind me. She's sittin' cross-legged in a chair. Her eggs are ignored as her bends over a notebook. She appears to be drawin' furiously.

Again, it is painfully obvious that she is not from Dillon.

Her short black hair is spiked up in to one of those faux hock things. Occasionally she drops her pencil in frustration, muttering to herself, and fisting her hands in her already messy hair. She wears chunky bracelets and rings. Like the last time I saw her, she wears all back.

Back to drawin' now, she seems to sway in time to the music pumpin' into her ears through an obnoxiously large pair of headphones.

I realize I've been staring. It's hard not too bein' as she might as well be an alien here in small town Texas. I turn back around to see that Jazz starin' too. And much more avidly than me.

"That's Alice Masen," I tell him. "Coach's daughter."

Jazz just keeps staring.

"Dude," I say, raising my eyebrow at him. "You okay?"

He stands suddenly, alarmin' me a little bit.

"Come on," he says, shakin' my shoulder. "I've known her pop for years. It's about time we met, don't you think?"

I moodily stick my hands in my pockets and begrudgingly follow.

Jasper stands in front of little Alice Masen, beamin' down at her. I linger behind him, bored as shit. It takes way too fuckin' long for Alice to notice us.

She looks up at Jasper, obviously annoyed. It makes me kinda, sickly happy that not everybody is willing to fall and worship at the golden boy's feet. Alice Masen pushes one bulky earphone back.

"What?" she asks. I fight a grin when I hear the impatience in her voice. Jasper looks momentarily baffled by her abrupt tone, but recovers quickly.

"Well, hello there to you too, little lady." I roll my eyes at my best friend. He's layin' the cowboy charm on a little thick.

"Little lady?" Apparently Alice thinks it's a little too much too. "Alright, cowboy. Let's get this over with. What do you want?"

"Just wanted to introduce myself," Jasper says, chucking slightly. "I'm Jasper Whitlock."

Alice just stares blankly. She appears to have no idea who he is, even after months of livin' in Dillon.

It's refreshing'.

"Okay," she says, givin' a slight shrug and moving' to put her headphone back in place.

"Your dad hasn't mentioned me?" he asks, leaning closer and causing' her movements to stop.

"Why would he mention you?"

Ouch.

"He's just been privately coachin' me for years," Jasper says, that grin fading' but only a little bit.

"Ah," says Alice, noddin' once. "We don't talk football."

Jasper mouth pops open in shock. I stifle a chuckle, remembering a beautiful brunette confessing her hate for this town's obsession. But then all happy leaves me. Remembering that day specifically hurts. Real bad.

I rub at my chest, tryin' to get the ache to go away. It still doesn't work.

"Football's kinda a way of life around here," Jasper continues.

"I got that," she says, putting her headphone back in place. 'That's why I don't do much talking. Bye, Jeremy."

She looks away, head bobbin' to her music.

"It's Jasper."

At that last little moment of desperation, I laugh.

Jazz turns to me, lookin' mystified.

"That was weird," he mutters.

I just laugh again.

"Shut up," he says, pullin' me into a headlock and draggin' me away. "Let's go toss around the ol' pig skin."

* * *

><p>The rest of the brutally hot month of August is practice, practice, practice. All day, every day, it seems. New Coach is cool, but real tough. He doesn't think Jazz shits out rainbows, unlike everyone else which is mighty refreshing.<p>

Not that Jasper would notice. That boy is dead serious the moment he gets on the field, he is all football.

We work. Coach makes us work. I don't mind – gives me less time to think about Bella. Most of the time I show up hung over. Sometimes I make it half drunk. Either way practice is punishing, and Coach always notices. He makes me run more, take more hits, but he never offers a commentary on my personal life.

"Get up, son," he says. "Let's try not to be a disgrace to the game of football today."

So I do.

I relish the pain, deserve the punishment.

It can't be easy on Coach. There is a lot of pressure to take us to state, what with it being Jasper senior year. He's not only the best in Texas but the nation, and the rest of us got game too. Coach will never last in Dillon if he can't bring home the W every Friday night.

In the last few weeks, local press has been constant – TV interview, radio shows that talk Dillon Panther football for hours, lengthy articles givin' the town folk all the dirty details on Coach Masen.

I always thought it was normal, the towns obsession with high school football. It wasn't until Bella moved here and talked about life outside Texas did I even realize that there are places where people don't live, breath, and die with varsity football.

Unnatural or not, that's the way it is here in Dillon. And the Panthers are pretty much celebraties. Not gonna lie, I've enjoyed a free meal or two in my day, as well as most bartenders overlookin' my ID.

Drinkin' doesn't do much to help get Bella off my mind, but I do it anyway.

It's also a good way to avoid my best friend with out raising much suspicion. Dude only drinks on occasion, rarely ever during football season. I don't see much of the other guys either, and everyone assumes I'm seein' some girl or rollin' with a rough crowd.

Mostly, I just hang out alone or with my brother and Rose. She's over all the fuckin' time now that I know their secret. Usually, when they are touchin' and kissin' and generally just actin' like fools in love, I wish I could go back to not knowin'.

There is somethin' particularly sucky about hangin' out with the happy people when the only emotion you can manage is misery.

I wonder about Bella. I hope she is doin' better than me.

As the first day of school approaches, I try to mentally prepare myself for what I'll see when I walk in to those halls.

But then it arrives and I realize it didn't work. Not at all.

* * *

><p>September<p>

BPOV

Jasper is dozing on our front porch with a dozen roses in his arms when we get in from the airport. My parents exchange knowing smiles, going inside through the garage door to let me have my reunion with my boyfriend.

In the weeks since my little outburst/confession, things have gotten better with my family. We've managed to find some peace, even if mostly it's based on not talking about anything.

When I get to the porch, I can't help but smile down at Jasper. He's never been a pretty sleeper, and tonight is no exception. I find his open mouth and occasional snorting endearing in this moment. He looks so silly with all those flowers in his hands.

I smooth down his short, slightly curly hair.

My affection for Jasper has not changed, it seems. I thought it would, in light of the huge stuff I now feel for his best friend. What I feel for Jasper is the exact same, except it no longer seems like it's enough.

It'll have to be, thought. I'm not brave enough to let go of everything I have in this post-Edward world.

I hope he and Rose will be very happy together. I really do.

Or so I tell myself. Maybe that will make it easier to see them together at school tomorrow.

But none of that matters anymore. My time in Hawaii was very introspective and I've decided that my summer was an aberration. The future is not so distance now that we're seniors, and I got scared. That's what Edward was about, my fear and trying to figure out what I want.

My future is with Jasper. I know that now. Are plans our safe and secure. And really, is there anything wrong with a little security?

I look down at Jasper and have a hard time picturing our future. But that's probably just because I still feel so guilty.

Right?

Right.

"Jazz," I whisper, stroking his face. He stirs, shifting so the flowers fall to the ground. I smile again, knelling by his head and picking up the flowers. "Jazz."

His blue eyes blink open, and he frowns at me.

"Bella?" he croaks out, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "That you?"

I giggle. "Yes, silly," I tell him, grabbing his hand. "You're asleep on my swing."

I give him a little push to demonstrate this.

"I can't believe you're finally back," he says, smiling sleepily at me. "It's so good to see you."

I look down because the guilt is threatening to drown me.

"Come 'ere." He tugs on my hand and makes room for me. I lie down next to him, trying to relax.

I can't.

He holds me close and sighs in contentment, kissing my cheek.

"Thanks for the flowers," I murmur.

I do not think about how I prefer sunflowers – or really anything less cliché than roses. Edward knows. When we were at the lake he put one in my hair.

I cannot and will not think of Edward. Especially that particular day with Edward.

"You're welcome," he replies, sounding like he's on the verge of sleep again. And in fairness to him, it is real late so the gesture of him being here is nice, even if he is going back to sleep on me. "I want to know all about Hawaii. You're all sexy and tan."

"And I want to know all about football camp," I reply.

Jasper hums in agreement, and doesn't speak again.

I spent a long time lying in my boyfriend's arms, hoping that I'm doing the right thing, before waking him up and sending him on his way.

School tomorrow. I don't know if I've ever dreaded anything more.

* * *

><p><strong>So... what do we think about Jasper? And please have paticence with Bella. She's young and confused.<strong>

**We're finally gettin' all the main players (get it? cuz of the football?) under the same roof.**

**Stay tuned.**


	8. Fries With That

**Jeeze, I'm poppin' up in your mailbox a whole lot lately. Either I'm irritating you or spoiling you, but regardless don't get too used to this quick pace. I'm cranking out a chappie a day right now but alas, I can only neglect so much homework.**

**So Jasper? Kinda hard to hate him, huh? But there wouldn't be no angst if he was a total douche! And I hope you all know by know how I love the angst.**

**Just a little first day of school action. Things get real interesting next chapter.**

* * *

><p>BPOV<p>

With a bright – and hopefully normal – smile on my face, I walk down the senior hall of Dillon High on the first day of school. People call out to me in greeting, and I wave back, throwing out the occasional "hey, girl!" or "hi y'all."

It's a little strange to be treated like the same popular cheerleader I was last year when I don't feel anything like that girl. Part of me thought Charlie's actions would change how I'm treated by my peers.

But it turns out all it took to win over the town folk was my Dad to by the Panther's a jumbotron. A big-ass T.V – that's all it took for Charlie's sins to be forgotten.

I'm on my way to meet Jasper by his locker, as was agreed upon late last night. One moment I'm walking down the hall, the next I find myself yanked into a dark janitors closet and pushed up against the door.

For one splendid and terrifying moment I think that it is Edward pulling me into the dark for some sort of tawdry reunion. I even close my eyes and pucker my lips slightly in anticipation.

When the light is suddenly turned on, I blink in surprise at Rosalie instead.

I try to ignore my disappointment.

"Rosalie!" I shout, putting a hand over my pounding heart. "What in the hell is this? You scared the life out of me."

"I need to talk to you. Shit, Bella, I've been needing to talk to you since you high tailed it out of Dillon," she replies, scowling at me.

I glance around the small, dank room as my heart beat slows. I don't want to know what had it racing – fear or desire or both.

"Surely this is a little dramatic," I say dryly.

"Dramatic!" she yells, turning a little red in her anger. I cower away from her, realizing for the first time that she is mad at me. Real mad. "I'll tell you about drama. Dramatic is you not answering your phone for the last month! If you would have just talked to Edward or me for five seconds we could have cleared this whole thing right up."

"Cleared what up, Rose?" I snap, my patience running thin. Simply both their names together in the same sentence make me see red. I don't like her pissed at me when I'm pissed at her. Even if it's irrational, I am pissed at her for sleeping with Edward. He feels like mine, even if he isn't.

"Bella, I know about you and Edward," Rose states with a sigh.

I feel a little dizzy and have to lean back against the door.

"He told you about us?" I ask, my voice weak. I can't look at Rose as I imagine her and Edward discussing me as pillow talk.

"No," Rose continues, sounding annoyed. It hurts a little more that she isn't at least a little sympathetic to how I feel about her and Edward. "Emmett told me."

Okay, what is going on here? Why is Rose talking to Emmett? How does Emmett even know?

But then I remember all the times I spend the night at Edward's, and I realize that a better question is how could Emmett not know.

"Emmett?" I ask, still in desperate need of some clarification.

"Yeah…" she says, looking slightly flushed now. It's very odd for Rose to even be anything but confident. "Shit, I don't know why it's so hard to tell you this."

"Tell me what, Rose?" I demand, beyond frustrated now.

"That morning when you came over to the Cullen's and saw me?" she prompts.

"I remember," I mutter even as I struggle to forget.

"Well, I didn't spend the night with Edward," Rose continues. "I haven't spent the night with Edward in years."

I just stare at her for a minute. I'm obscenely relieved to hear this, even if I don't totally believe her. If she wasn't there for Edward, what was she doin' half dressed in the middle of the day in his house?

Oh.

Emmett, the other Cullen brother.

"Emmett?" I shout in a moment of revelation and shock. "You where there for Emmett?"

"Shit, Bella,"" she says, scowling at me again. "Keep in down. We aren't exactly out and proud. You and Edward are the only people that know about us now."

I am sure there is a joke in there somewhere what with our current location in this closet, but I just can't find it as I struggle to process all this new information.

"Listen, when you walked in to the Cullen's, I just let you believe I was with Edward because I was trying to keep my secret. I had no idea about you and Edward until I told Emmett what happened and we realized we needed to clear up all the confusion. Except you wouldn't answer your damn phone."

I just nod. It's a lot to take in.

"You're sleeping with Emmett Cullen?" I ask slowly.

"And you're sleeping with Edward Cullen," she replies, mimicking my tone.

"Not anymore," I mutter, feeling embarrassed and sad.

"Damn, look at us. It is taboo central with the two of us. What a pair we make," she muses. "I must say I was shocked when I first heard. It's not something I though you'd do."

"It's not something I thought I would do either," I admit, tearing up a little when I remember how guilty I am. It's harder to convince myself that Jasper is what I want now that Edward did not actually sleep with Rose.

But I'll worry about that later.

Rose, in a rare display of a soul, pulls me into a tight hug.

"Oh, baby," she murmurs as I cry into her shoulder. "You're in way over your head here, ain't yah?"

I nod.

"We'll figure it out, honey," she continues, rubbing my back. "I promise. You should have told me when this first happened, you know."

With a sob and a laugh, I pull away from Rose and wipe at my eyes.

"Really, Rose?" I reply, managing a smile as I get my tears under ontrol. "How long have you kept Emmett from me?"

"Close to a year," Rose admits with a grimace.

"A year!" I sputter. "How in the world did you hide this from me for a year?"

"We were really, exhaustingly careful. You know, I just turned eighteen, and he's, well, older. Please understand, Bells. We couldn't tell anyone anymore than you and Edward could," she pleads.

"I get it, I get it," I assure her, rubbing my suddenly tired eyes. "All this is just a lot to process."

"Well, I hope you get a head ache. If you'd of just answered your damn phone you would have had a whole damn month to process," Rosalie grumbles, crossing her arms over her chest.

Now my decision to not talk to anyone while I was out of town seems childish and just plain stupid.

This time, I'm the one to hug my best friend.

"Rosie," I say as she slowly uncrosses her arms to hug me back. "I'm so sorry. You must have felt pretty bad about this whole thing, huh?"

Rose nods as she pulls away.

"I promise to never ignore you again," I tell her.

"Have you talked to Edward?" she asks, shifting gears. "Since you got back?"

I shake my head, suddenly so ashamed that I ignored him. Our last interaction was just horrible and it was all my fault. I definitely owe him a conversation.

"Bella…he really cares about you. As more than a friend. Did you know that? He's been so unhappy and really worried about you," she says quietly.

I shake my head and take a big breath to keep from crying again, even as part of me is overjoyed to hear from someone that whatever happened between Edward and I meant something to both of us.

"I can't talk about this right now," I reply. "Just give me some time, okay?"

"Okay," she says, nodding. "But you've got to talk to him."

Again, all I can do is nod.

"No more secrets?" Rosalie asks.

"No more secrets," I agree.

I leave that closet feeling a whole lot less miserable and a whole lot more confused.

* * *

><p>"Hey, sweetheart." Jasper wraps his arms around my waist as I drop off my math book in my locker between fourth and fifth period. He hugs me close and kisses my cheek. "How's the first day back?"<p>

"I'm so ready to graduate," I reply, giggling slightly as he tickles my sides.

"Aw, don't say that!' he replies, sounding genuinely upset. "It's our senior year, baby! As our dear Eddie-boy would say, it's time to make some memories."

Suddenly I feel horribly uncomfortable with Jasper's hands on me.

"Where the hell is he, anyway?" Jasper asks, glancing around. "I haven't seen him all damn day."

I tense up again.

"Maybe he's actually going to classes this year," I suggest, trying to sound normal.

"That'll be the day," Jasper says with a laugh.

I've run out of things to do in my locker but I worry that if I close it he's going to kiss me. I don't know what scares me most, that he will somehow notice a difference in my kisses or that Edward will see.

"I've missed you," Jasper whispers in my ear, his voice husky now. His hands tighten on my hips, and I don't feel anything other than discomfort at the fact that Edward could easily see us.

For whatever reason, I don't want him to see us.

Jasper closes my locker and then turns me around to push me up against it. I smile at him tightly, trying to force myself to feel and act normal. And just last year this would have been perfectly normal. I would have enjoyed it.

Touching my boyfriend now does nothing but stress me out now.

"I think you've gotten even prettier," he tells me, lowering his lips to mine. I close my eyes and kiss him back. Our lips move with long practiced familiarity, but its painful obvious to me that something is missing.

It lacks heat.

We've always lacked heat. I just didn't know better until now.

Jasper lets out a soft groan, his hands moving into my hair. I'm glad I'm still holding my books to my chest because they keep us from getting any closer. Jasper finally breaks the kiss when he attempts to push me into the locker only to get jabbed in the stomach by a book corner.

"American History," he muses with a chuckle, taking a step back and letting his hands fall to my hips. "The new chastity belt."

I smile at this because it's just such a Jasper thing to say. But then some force outside of my control compels me to look up and to the left. And there is Edward, staring right at me with such intensity I lose my breath a little. We make eye contact, and I feel my heart break a little. His face fluctuates between rage and sadness for a moment before he abruptly turns around and disappears around the corner.

"Did you even hear me?" Jasper says, making me realize that while I was lookin' at Edward the whole world seemed to go quiet. "What has your attention?"

He turns around to follow my gaze, but Edward is already gone.

"Nothin' but you," I lie because it sounds like something the old Bella would have said. She would have meant it, too.

He smiles down at me, that radiant, Jasper smile. Once upon a time, I loved this smile best. Now it seems a little too flawless. How can I keep up with someone perfect now when it's apparent I'm so damn flawed?

"Well, I was sayin' that I want to pick you up after practice. My parents have a dinner thing tonight. We'll have the house all to ourselves." His voice gets low and he ducks his head to kiss me again, but I back away.

"Somethin' wrong?" he asks, looking at me with genuine concern.

I remember the look on Edward's face the moment before he turned away and what Rose said about him caring about me. If he really does care, he must hate the thought of Jazz touching me just as I hate the though of anyone – but Rose in particular – touching him.

"It's just… I can't have sex with you, Jazz!" I hiss out.

He stares at me blankly for a moment before smiling. "Are you pullin' my leg?" he asks.

I wince because I am most definitely serious.

"You are not pullin' my leg," he amends when he sees my face. "Alright then. What's up? Don't tell me you don't think I'm sexy any longer."

"Don't be ridiculous," I scoff. Jasper very well knows how good lookin' he is. He just likes people to say it. "That's not it. I've just been… goin' to a new church. Thought it might be a good idea to try something different. Celibacy seems like a good idea in light of my father's indiscretions."

Wow, that seems perfectly plausible. When did I become such a good liar?

"When has celibacy ever been a good idea?" he demands, sounding a bit like a petulant child.

"Jazz…" I say blushing and feeling even guiltier than I ever thought possible.

"Bella, it was a long summer," he says, rubbin' up on me a little. His lips come to my ear. "Surely you missed me?"

I'm glad he can't see my face because then he would know I didn't miss him. Not like that, anyway,

"I'm sorry," I reply quietly.

He pulls away to look at me for a minute before letting out a big sigh.

"Fine," he says, sounding resigned. "If it's that important to you, we'll give it a shot."

Somehow even his easy acceptance of my celibacy plan makes me feel that much guiltier. He is really such a good guy. He deserves so much better.

'Thank you," I murmur, getting up on my tiptoes to give him a quick kiss. "I've gotta get to class.

"Hey, don't forget about our traditional back to school lunch with Cullen! Be there or be square!"

Jasper shouts after me as I leave and I hope that fifth period lasts forever.

Unfortunately for me, it doesn't.

* * *

><p>EPOV<p>

I seriously consider skipping our traditional first day of school lunch, but Jazz would just find it too suspicious. When we were younger we would walk to the Tasty Freeze and eat our food as we walked back to school. Now that we can drive we linger over our fast food.

And the lingering is exactly what I'm worried about.

The more time the three of us spend together, the more chances Jazz has of realizing that things have changed.

Jazz and I sit in the bed of my truck with our legs dangling out the back as we wait for Bella to emerge from the school. She is pretty much never on time. I don't mind one bit, but it really irritates Jasper.

"Where the hell is she?" he grumbles, lookin' at his watch for the fourth time since we got out here about six minutes ago. "Honestly, I have no idea what that girl does with herself."

I just smile, keep my mouth shut, and take a good long pull from my water bottle. I pretend it's something stronger and out of a flask, but it don't work Jazz would freak if I started drinkin' during the school hours.

Jazz tends to freak about anything that could maybe, possibly mess up football – and that includes my drinkin' habit.

"Hey, we've always been able to talk about anything, right?" he says suddenly. I freeze up, instantly assuming that he somehow knows. Which is just stupid because if he knew he'd be no where near this calm.

I just nod stiffly and gesture for him to continue.

"Well, has Bella mentioned anything about some new religious kick? She's not goin' to our church anymore, right?"

This conversation is not goin' the way I thought it would, but I'm relieved that he doesn't seemed to suspect anything about Bella and I.

"Yeah, she's goin' to this giant mega church a few towns over these days," I reply.

"Mega church?" he says with a snort. I smile, thinking about Bella reprimanding me for flirtin' with her at mega church. And then I immediately feel guilty for thinking about anything that has to do with Bella and I last summer in the presence of her boyfriend.

For whatever reason, now I can't get an image of her naked out of my head.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"Anyway, does this mega church place seem like the kinda place that encourages celibacy?" Jazz asks.

"Don't all churches encourage celibacy before you tie the knot?" I ask, feelin' strange that I'm the one telling him shit about religion. This whole conversation is just fucking weird.

"Yeah, I guess," Jasper replies, suddenly sullen.

He goes quiet, and I move to take another sip of my water bottle.

"Stupid fucking mega church," he grumbles. "Makin' my girlfriend think celibacy is a good idea in light of her dad's cheatin' ways."

Although I'm not certain I heard him right, I spit out all my water in surprise. Jazz looks at me like I'm insane.

"Celibacy?" I ask weakly, wiping my mouth. It's hard not to laugh out loud. What the hell is Bella thinkin' with that one? Celibacy is impossible for someone who loves sex as much as Bella does.

But then I remember that she's dating my best friend and how they looked up against the lockers earlier today. I'm suddenly very glad for whatever is keepin' Jasper out of Bella's pants. It is an enormous relief, hearin' about this supposed celibacy.

"It was a long summer, EC," Jazz says, sounding a little shell-shocked. "A long, long, long, long summer."

I grin and shake my head at him, before the guilt comes back. It wasn't a long, long, long, long summer for Bella. I made sure of that.

"What in the hell are you two goin' on about?" Jazz and I both look up at the sound of Rosalie's voice. She is standing before us, arms crossed over her chest. Bella stands behind her best friend, lookin' at the ground.

"Nothin'," we both mutter, not meeting Rose's eye. She is damn terrifying and no good would come of her findin' out what we were discussing.

She looks at us with suspicion for another moment before she shrugs, thankfully letting it go.

"Hey, Bells," Jasper says, hopin' off my truck and movin' to put his arms around Bella. I look away from their reunion, and Rose hops up to sit next to me, taking Jazz's spot.

"What're you doin' here?" I grumble, determinedly staring at anything but the couple talking quietly not five feet from me.

Fuck, this is so fucking hard for so many fucking reasons.

"Bella asked me to tag along," Rose replies, keeping her voice low as to not be over heard. "A sorta buffer, I guess."

I snort and shake my head.

"Bella feels like she needs a buffer?" I say, irrationally irritated. "Good to know."

"I think I'm here more for you than Bella," Rosa whispers in my ear.

I'm about to demand she explain whatever the fuck she's talkin' about, but Jazz interrupts.

"Hey, lovebirds," he say, arm thrown around Bella's shoulders. She looks perfectly content to let him manhandle her. I find this annoying. "Let's get goin'."

We pile into the cab of my truck. Bella is forced to sit on Jasper's lap, and Rose is squished in next to me. Excellent call with the buffer, Bella.

Several times I glance down to see Jasper's hand on Bella's thigh. I swerve too severely once Jasper asks if I'm drunk, but somehow I get us to the fast food joint in one peace.

The girls get us a table while we order. Jasper talks my ear off about what he wants to do at practice today, and I just nod along while I give myself a pep talk about spending the next thirty-five minutes with Bella and her boyfriend.

I'm glad to see that we'll be sittin' in chairs rather than a booth. It means certain people won't be able to sit too close together.

Rose carries the conversation – probably because she refuses to eat anything here, and Bella and I are too busy being awkward with each other – but Jazz doesn't seem to notice.

I also hope he doesn't see how focused I am on Bella's mouth. How did we end up sitting directly across from each other? Terrible decision, right here. She' so close it's diving me crazy.

"There's Alice Masen," says Jazz, nodding behind towards the counter. I turn to see Alice with a tray, surveying the crowded restaurant for a place to sit. "We should ask her to sit with us."

"We should?" Rosalie says, looking at Alice with distaste. "She looks pretty freaky to me."

"Don't be mean, Rose," Bella murmurs.

It's the first time I've really heard her speak since she ordered me to get out of her room a month ago.

The small sound does funny things to my heart.

"Hey!" Jasper shouts, waving enthusiastically to Alice. "Alice! We've got room. Pull up a chair!"

Alice grimaces when she sees us but after a final, desperate search for anywhere else to sit, she trudges over. She throws her tray down with more force than necessary. Her milkshake topples but Jazz saves the day with his super quick football reflexes.

"Well, if it isn't the overly chipper cowboy and his broody butt-buddy," Alice says brightly. I laugh out loud at her description of Jazz and I. Rose scowls at me and then Alice while Bella's mouth pops open in shock.

Her round and gaping mouth has my thoughts goin' in a totally inappropriate direction. I clear my throat and then stuff about twelve fires in my mouth to distract myself.

"Hey, Alice," Jasper replies with a grin. Apparently he has prepared himself for her bad attitude since our last run in. "You remember Edward. This is Rosalie and my girlfriend, Bella."

I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep myself from growling at that one, but somehow manage to nod at Alice is greeting.

"Hello," says Bella.

Rose just continues to glower.

"That's a weird meal, don't you think?" Rose snaps, staring at the fries and milk shake on Alice's tray.

"Not when you're the only vegetarian in Texas," Alice mutters, looking at me stuff a fourth of my burger in my mouth in one bite.

"Meat's good," I tell her.

"We've got vegetarian options," replies Rose, defensively. "There's chicken on the menu."

Alice throws her head back and laughs. We all just stare at her.

"Oh, fuck," Alice says when she finally gets a hold of herself. "You're serious."

"I'm always serious," Rose says, her voice low and dangerous. This time it's Bella who laughs loudly. I smile at her, enthralled with the sound. We make eye contact for a charged moment before she blushes and looks away.

"So, Alice," Jasper says loudly, trying to defuse the girl fight brewing between Alice and Rose. I shake my head at my best friend. He's learned nothing from me. Everyone knows you never get in the way of a girl fight. "Are you new to Texas? You've only been livin' with your dad for a little bit, right?"

I listen with half an ear as Alice talks about her mom remarrying a baseball player and how the happy couple wants to travel to away games together. She moved in with her dad so they can.

It's all very noble, and Jasper has a zillion questions.

Instead of joining in the conversation, I finish my meal and lean back in my chair, sipping on my Coke. I'm off in my head for a while until I notice Bella staring at my mouth. Avidly.

The heat is still there between us, that's what her look tells me.

I recognize that look. It means she wants me, needs me.

Fuck.

Experimentally – and also because I'm an asshole with zero self-control – I stop drinking and lick my lips.

I can't help but smirk at her as she reacts to my move. Her eyes go wide, her cheeks turn red, and she captures her lip between her teeth.

Fuck, I want to free her lip with my thumb before kissing her. I want to nibble on that lip and suck on it until she's moanin'.

Rosalie elbows be in the side, harder than necessary, and Bella and I both look away. Fuck, this is harder than I thought it would be. I expected to have trouble concealing my guilt around Jasper, but somehow I forgot to prepare myself for my body's reaction to all things Bella.

At least I don't appear to be alone in this struggle.

"So what do you think of Texas?" Jasper asks. I wonder vaguely what I missed before realizing that I just don't give a fuck.

Alice wrinkles her noise. "It's hot as fuck," she replies. "And the people are borderline clinically insane."

Rosalie huffs in irritation, but I grin. I decide I like this Alice girl. She speaks the truth. It's admirable.

"How so?" Jazz demands, seeming genuinely curious.

"This football obsession is unhealthy and unnatural," Alice insists, brandishing her milkshake in Jasper's face to make her point.

"Come on," Jasper groans, gesturing back wildly with his hands. "Everybody likes football!"

Bella and I share quick, secret smiles.

"Listen, cowboy," Alice continues. "It's just a game. You need to learn that there is more to life than throwing around a silly ball."

Jasper blinks, opening and closing his mouth in his speechlessness. He looks kinda like a fish, and Bella attempts to disguise her laugh as a couch.

I decide we better leave before Alice makes Jasper's brain explode.

Turns out Alice waked all the way here, so we give her a ride. Five in the cab is just too many, so the girls sit in the back. Jazz keeps repeatin' "how can someone not like football?" in a sort of daze the whole way back to school.

I just shake my head at him, pleased that Bella isn't on his lap.


	9. Whiskey Induced Mirage

**Happy Wednesday! **

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><p>BPOV<p>

"What are you wearing tonight, darling?" My mother calls to me from my closet when I enter my bedroom wrapped in a towel, fresh from the shower. I hold back a sigh. Maybe I should just let her pick my outfit for me and be done with it. That would sure be easier than arguing.

But I'm getting so damn tired of taking the easy way out.

"Jeans and that white halter," I tell her, sitting in front of my vanity and covering myself in lotion.

My mother makes the humming sound that always indicates her disapproval.

"It's a little casual," she replies. She has yet to emerge from my closet as I study my face in the mirror. I put two thick strips of lotion under my eyes like war paint. Like football paint. Barring my teeth, I growl silently at myself.

What the hell am I doin'?

Frustrated, I wipe impatiently at my face.

"Honey? Did you hear me?"

"Yeah," I call back even thought I absolutely did not hear her.

"So you'll wear the khaki capirs with the red pumps?"

"No and no," I say. "Daddy got a string band this year! I can't dance in heels."

"I know, honey," Mom says, coming to stand behind me and smiling at me through the mirror. "But they make your legs look nice and long."

"Mom, you may need to dress up to compete with the Booster's wives, but for everyone else the Back to School Barbeque is casual. I'm wearing jeans and the white halter," I say, searching in a drawer for my hairbrush.

"At least wear that new pair of flats I picked up for you?" she replies, taking the hairbrush from my hand and running it through my hair.

It's been such a long time since she's brushed my hair for me, and the gesture chokes me up a little. Despite everything, I really do love my Momma. I close my eyes and she stops talking as she just brushes. It is soothing and makes me feel young again. It takes me back to when everything was simple.

When all the knots are removed and Renee sets the brush down, I open my eyes. My mom is smiling at me and I smile back.

"You are so beautiful, Isabella," she murmurs, hugging me from behind and looking at me in the mirror.

"Back at you, Mom," I reply.

"I love you, Bella."

"I love you too," I reply, a little shocked by all this emotion happening right now.

I guess it's been a while since we told each other that. It's been a while since I wanted too.

With a kiss on the top of my head, she departs.

"I want you to be downstairs soon to greet our guests!"

I smile, happy as I put on make up, dry my hair, and get dressed. I slip my feet into my new flats before walking down stairs.

This is our first public appearance as a family since the incident and we are hosting it too. That makes tonight kinda a big deal for both my parents. Since we moved here five years ago, hosting a barbeque after the first week of school for the Panther's and their many supporters has fallen to my father. He revels in it, being not only a former Panther but also the richest of the boosters.

This year he went all out, attempting to further cement the Swans in the fabric of this community. He earned their forgiveness with the jumbotron. He'll earn their love with cuts of prime beef, live music, and flowing alcohol.

"So what are you're plans for next year?" This is the third time I've been asked this question. I'm the last Swan with an unblemished reputation – somehow the harpies blame Renee for Charlie's wandering eye – so my parents are trotting me out to all their friends. They think I'm the last little bit of perfect – cheerleader, straight A student, president of the student government, and most importantly, Jasper Whitlock's girlfriend – so I get paraded around like some sort of show poodle.

I list off the many universities I've applied too or am planning on applying too. Every single adult I talk to nods knowingly, recognizing that most of my college apps are going to schools with good football programs that have already showed interested in the number one high school player in the nation.

It makes me feel a little sick.

I'm in the middle of listing off all of Jasper's – and therefore mine by extension – top schools to the mayor when she interrupts me.

"Oh, there's our boy now," she says, pointing to the other side of the pool where Jazz stands next to several boosters. They appear to be deep in conversation. "You go get him and tell him I want to have a good long chat with him about how he should play against Westerby in a couple weeks."

"I don't want to interrupt," I say. Jazz hates it when something gets in the way of his football talk.

"Come on now," she continues, giving me a gentle push in Jasper's general direction. "He won't mind long as it's you doin' the interruptin'."

She leaves me little choice in the matter so I walk on over to Jasper.

"Hey, Jazz," I say, touching his hand. He glances at me, grabbing my hand and pulling me close.

"Steve," he says. "You know my girlfriend, Bella?"

"Of course," I reply. "Hello, Mr. Murphy."

"Hello, Bella," he replies, beaming at me. "Now, tell me somethin'. How do you think our boy is gonna do this season?"

Internally, I sigh and roll my eyes.

"He's takin' the Panther's straight to State," I say, being as charming as possible.

All the people in our general area whop in agreement, and Jazz pulls me into a one armed hug.

"That's my girl. Y'all better listen to her now. She's the smartest in our class."

"Jazz, stop," I say, blushing and hiding my face in his shoulder. Jazz may like to be the center of attention, but it is most definitely not my favorite place to be. People's eyes on me make me nervous, especially after the incident.

"You'll have to excuse me, Steve," Jasper says. "Looks like the little lady needs a drink."

Mr. Murphy lets out a big belly laugh before clapping Jazz on the back. "Good man," he says before moving off to chat up some other member of what I guess would be high society here in Dillon.

"Hi," Jazz says, leaning down to give me a chaste kiss on the lips.

"Hey," I reply, trying to muster some enthusiasm.

"You look nice," he says, probably out of habit. He doesn't really look at me because he is too busy surveying the crowd, looking for the next dude to schmooze.

"Thank you."

"What's wrong?" Jasper asks, his brow furrowed in concern.

Apparently, I did not do a good job with the enthusiasm.

"Nothing," I reply, far too quickly.

"Bells…"

"It's just a lot of football talk," I say with a sigh.

"Well, obviously!" Jazz says, openly laughing at me now. "This little social is all about the Panthers. What else are people supposed to talk about?"

"Even off season all people talk about is football in this town," I mutter.

"Shit, Bells," he says, waving his hand dismissively at me. "Now you sound like that crazy Alice Masen. That's can't be what's really bothering you."

He's right and it isn't. I bit my lip for a moment, trying to figure out how much of the truth I want to tell him. I decide to be brave.

"It's just… People keep asking me what my plans are for next year, and I just end up tellin' them your plans," I say, feeling horribly uncomfortable and exposed. This is the first time I'm expressing any doubt regarding the future.

"Don't be silly," he says, not taking me seriously at all. I suppose this isn't the best time to have this conversation, but still. It would be nice if he actually listened to me for once. "They're our plans. Not mine."

"See, that's the thing," I say, shaking my head. "They don't feel like our plans because they are all about you."

Jazz just frowns at me. "Listen, I don't know what has you so cranky tonight. But there are important people here who really know the recruitment process. Let's just focus on that, okay?" he says, giving me a nice little lecture like I'm a misbehaving puppy rather than an equal.

Totally disheartened, I give him a quick peck on the cheek before turning away to find better company. As people start to eat, more kids my age to arrive. This barbeque is really more for the older generations. The Panther's show up because they feel like they have to – also the free food – and with them come the rally girls and the cheerleaders. Around ten the kids and the parents will separate to get drunk with their own kind. My crowd will clear out, headed for a party somewhere, while the adults will drink here well in to the night.

Football and booze. That seems to be the only thing on the mind of anyone in this town.

I see Rosalie arrive, following her mother. As Mrs. Hale disappears into the crowd, I intercept Rosalie.

"Hi," I say, making her jump as I sneak up on her. I follow her gaze, trying to determine what she is so focused on, only to see Irina, Tanya Denali's older sister, blatantly flirting with Emmett by the bar.

"You know," she muses after giving me a quick scowl. Her graze returns to Emmett. "It would be really nice to have the freedom to pee on his leg right about now."

"Gross, Rose," I mutter, shaking my head at her.

"I mean it. I wish I could mark my territory."

It is then I notice Edward, surrounded by rally girls, lookin' pleased as pie. Emmett leans over, pouring something out of his cup into Edward's. I roll my eyes that big brother Cullen is helpin' Edward sneak the alcohol.

"Don't we all," I agree.

Rose glances from me to Edward.

"Drink?" she suggests.

I look back to Edward who is chugging whatever Emmett poured into his cup. Normally, I wouldn't do that at a function like this with so many adults around but tonight is different.

If it works for Edward, why can't it work for me?

"Drinks," I amend, pulling her into the kitchen to pilfer a bottle of wine. "I'm going to need many if I have any hope of getting through his night."

By the time Rose and I emerge from the house, we are giggling and hanging all over each other. The sun has finally set and the tables have been moved off to the side to clear space for a dance floor. The live band Charlie hired is already playin' and quite a few couples dance in front of the make shift stage.

I have a nice little buzz on.

"Oh good," Rose says, sighing next to me. "Em has abandoned the sluts for his loser townie friends."

"Just 'cuz they didn't leave Dillon don't mean they're losers," I reply, even thought I kinda think it does indeed make them losers.

"That's not it. Alec hasn't had a job in over a year and Felix still lives with his mom. And they graduated when Emmett did!"

"Okay, okay, fine," I agree. "That's a little loserish."

"Damn right. At least Em owns his own business."

"I wanna dance," I declare. "I'm gonna go find Jasper."

"Fine. Just tone down the drunk. Wouldn't want to embarrass the prince in front of his town," Rose reminds me.

I nod at her because this is good advice.

It takes me a while to navigate the crowd, but eventually I find Jasper deep in conversation with several boosters. These guys basically fund Panther football through contributions. They have a lot of sway in this town and a lot of connections with college scouts.

It's all so very, very dull.

I approach the table and overhear the same conversation that Jazz has been havin' since his freshmen year.

There is a lull and I approach Jazz's chair, putting my hand on his shoulder.

"There you are," I say.

"Hey, Bells," he replies, most of his attention focused on the football talk across the table. The older men nod hello at me before getting back to what's really important.

"Dance with me," I murmur in his ear, doin' my best to sound seductive.

"Oh no," he says, shaking his head and chucklin' ruefully. "You know how I feel about dancin'."

"Please?"

"You know you don't want to go there, Bella." I close my eyes at the sound of the deep voice. I was so focused on finding Jasper, I failed to see that Edward is sittin' right next to him. He wears his typical plaid and trademark smirk.

"Oh, I think I do," I reply, suddenly deciding that all my issues are Edward's fault. Damn him for being so appealing.

We have now garnered the attention of the table.

"I'm glad someone around here is willin' to defend my honor," Jazz said, good-naturedly. He seems totally oblivious to the stare down taking place between Edward and I.

"Bella," Edward continues. "You and I both know that while Jazz is damn graceful out on the football field he just can't seem to hack it on the dance floor."

Everyone at the table laughs, and I can't help but smile at Edward because he speaks the truth. Even Jasper agrees.

"Oh, like you're much better, Cullen," one of the boosters says. I don't know which because I don't bother to look up.

"I've got moves," Edward says with a shrug before draining whatever is left in the cup.

"I don't believe it."

"Prove it."

"Bells, you better dance with our man over there," Jazz says, continuing to smile. My stomach drops at this suggestion. I don't think I can take it. That is just too dangerous. "You'd probably lose a toe with me as your partner."

The boosters have a good laugh.

"But I wanted to dance with you," I murmur, hoping Edward can't hear me. Because the truth is I want Edward, and that is the reason why I should avoid bein' in his arms at all costs.

"I know, Bells," Jasper whispers back. "But we're kinda in the middle of it. Next time. I promise."

Next time never seems to come.

Jasper kisses my nose and turns back to the boosters. It's a clear dismissal.

"Come on, Isabella," Edward says with a sigh. He pulls my arm through his. "Let these guys get back to the football."

With a final glare at Jazz, I let Edward lead me to the dance floor.

The first song is lively so not much contact is necessary. Edward smiles at me as I jump around, glad to have something fun to distract me from all of life's complications.

The next song is slow and quiet, and suddenly all the complication are grinning down at me.

"I think I've had enough dancing," I murmur, blushing as I try to make my escape. Edward grabs my hand.

"You never have enough dancin'," he drawls. With a heavy sigh, I let him pull me into his arms.

He holds me too intimately at first, his hand naturally finding the small of my back to pull me close. I smack his chest until he realizes his mistake and moves his hand up to the relatively safe place on my side.

"Sorry," he mumbles, looking away from me.

"Me too," I blurt out as we move in a circle.

"Why?" At least he's lookin' at me now.

"For a lot of things," I reply, giving him a sad smile.

"Like sleeping with me?" he asks quietly.

I blush and glance around, checking to see if anyone over heard him. But the music seems to isolate us. We are in our own little bubble, and as much as I want to lie and tell him I regret this summer, I can't because I don't.

Being with him was so eye opening and beautiful, how could I ever regret it?

"No," I reply. My lips move but barely a sound comes out. Edward seems to get it anyway and appears relieved.

"Why are you sorry, Bella?" he asks again.

"I'm sorry for leaving the way I did," I say, trying to be brave. "I'm sorry for kicking you out of my room and refusing to have a real conversation with you. I'm sorry for not answering my phone and for jeopardizing your relationship with your best friend. I'm sorry you have to see us together."

"Is that all?" Edward says, obviously amused.

"I'm sorry I never told you how I feel," I murmur.

Edward looks at me in suspicion. "How drunk are you?"

"How can you tell?" I shout, alarmed now. I thought I was hiding it so well. His comment makes me feel self conscious, like everyone now thinks that Bella Swan is a wino.

"I know you," he replies, smiling that smiles that he reserves just for me. My heart seems to fly out of my chest. "How do you feel about me, Bella?"

"I care about you," I tell him, unable to look him in the eye because this is so hard. "More than I should. It wasn't just sex and I'm sorry I said it was."

"Why do I sense a giant but comin' on?" he asks.

"Because it doesn't matter how I feel. Nothin' more can happen between us."

When I finally mount the courage to look him in the eye again, I'm shocked to see how upset he looks.

"Because you're with Jasper." He spits out his best friends name like a curse and I wince.

"I don't know what's gonna happen with Jasper and me," I tell him, amazed by all the honest pouring out of my mouth tonight. "We don't seem to want the same things anymore. But that doesn't matter either. Nothing can happen with us because it would hurt Jasper so much. We can't do that."

Now Edward is the one lookin' away. He silently nods his head. I want to reach up and ease the tension in his jaw, but I don't dare touch him.

We are quiet for a while, and I realize that we are much closer than we should be, but I just don't have the heart or energy to change anything. The slow song ends, and it hurts like hell to step away from him.

"So," he says. I guess we are both feeling awkward after everything I just confessed. "Celibacy, huh?"

He smirks at me and I resist the urge to hit him.

"Shut up!" I say, covering my blushing face with my hands.

Edward laughs as I storm away, needing to find Rose because I can finally tell her anything.

EPOV

I don't move from my reclined position on Mike Newton's couch when Bella and Jasper arrive. Their presence is announced with many, many shouts of greeting. My eyes are drawn to Bella as everyone sitting around me gets up to welcome the golden couple.

She doesn't look happy. Not at all. I wish I could make her happy.

Dancin' with her, finally talkin' to her – I'm not sure if it was good for me or not. Knowing that she cares dulls that perpetual ache in my chest, but with that is the knowledge that we won't ever be together again because of what it would do to Jazz.

And she's right. I already hate myself for hurtin' and lyin to my best friend.

But the thing is, it might just be worth it for Bella.

Fuck, that's a terrible thing to even think.

Finishin' off my beer, I study my two best friends. I can tell just by their posture that somethin' is not right between the two to them. It shouldn't make me happy that they are unhappy, but it does because I'm a selfish, selfish asshole.

Most people wouldn't notice, but Jasper's smile is strained as her doles out high fives and fist bumps with guys from the team. Bella quickly slips away from the group, grabbing Rosalie's hand and whispering furiously in her ear as the pair approaches the keg. They talk with furrowed brows until they come upon the rest of their cheerleader friends.

Then its all smiles and hugs and sunshine.

Maybe the two of them really are meant to be together, the way they hide what they really feel based on what everyone else wants from them. I couldn't give a fuck about any of that shit.

I scowl down at my empty cup. There's no way of gettin' a refill with the horde of bubbly, bouncing girls by the keg. I need to avoid Bella for a while, I think. At least until all this hurts less.

I brood by myself on the couch, watching the festivities around me with distain. People approach but quickly leave when I ignore them

Tanya successfully bribes words out of me, though.

"Hey, Eddie," she coos.

I give her the head nod and then turn away, hoping she'll get the hint like everyone else.

"You've been over here for a while," she says, handing me a fresh and full red plastic cup. "Figured you could use a refill."

I smile. Beer always deserves a smile.

"Also, I thought you might be interested in this." She pulls a fifth of whiskey out from behind her back and waggles her eyebrows at me.

"You may sit," I tell her.

She immediately plops down next to me, so close she is almost sittin' on me. Unscrewing the top, she takes a big swig before passin' the bottle to me. I drink for longer, washin' the whiskey down with beer.

"Better?" Tanya asks.

I just shrug.

"What's got you so blue?" she asks, rubbin' my arm. "Usually you're in the middle of the party, makin' memories, as you say."

"This just feels like the same memory over and over and over," I mutter, drinkin' a little more whiskey and followin' it with a lot more beer.

Again, I scowl down at my empty cup. Tanya hands me hers.

"Are you tryin' to get me drunk and take advantage of me?" I say, chuckling a little at my own stupid joke.

"Depends," she whispers in my ear. "You interested in repeating some of those memories? We could even add a new one or two."

I study her for a minute, surprised at how hard it is to keep my neck up and turnin' the way I want.

Am I interested?

No. I'm really not.

"I've gotta take a piss," I mumble, strugglin' to my feet. Tanya attempts to follow me, but I wave her off. "That was definitely not an invitation."

She pouts but again, I don't give a shit.

I take the whiskey with me.

Man, I really am a giant asshole.

The downstairs bathroom is occupied so I trudge upstairs. I've never been up here before and Mike says no one is allowed, but I don't give a fuck. I just really don't like that kid.

After minimal exploring, I find a nice bathroom. The tub is long and seems like a good place to take a nap, so I leave the light off and crawl in.

I take another drink and then close my eyes.

I have no idea how long I doze in Mike Newton's bathtub – won't be the first time I've passed out in a bathtub and it won't be the last – before I'm startled awake by the light comin' on. I open one eye to see Bella, eyes closed and cheeks red, leaning up against the door.

Damn, she's gorgeous.

Even if she is upset. And upset she very obviously is.

"Do you need a hug?" I slur sleepily.

She slowly opens her and lifts her head.

"What are you doing here?" she asks wearily. "You're not supposed to be up here."

"Neither are you," I murmur, pulling my self up so I can rest my chin on the edge of the tub.

She lets out a big sigh and moves closer, sitting on the toilet with the lib closed right by my head.

"You're hidin'," I accuse, poking her in the thigh.

"You're nappin'," she retorts, smacking my hand away.

I laugh. She's so beautiful.

"When did everything get so complicated?" she murmurs as if she doesn't really expect an answer.

"I care about you too," I tell her because she didn't give me a chance to earlier. "A lot more than I should."

"I know."

"You do?"

"Yeah, I do."

She pushes my hair back off my forehead, smiling down at me. I hum in pleasure and close my eyes.

"I love you," I murmur. The words just slip out, but I'm too drunk and sleepy to care. "Did you know that?"

Bella is quiet for a long time. As I start to wake up more, I freak out a little about tellin' her that.

I have no business tell' her anything of the sort.

"I should go," she says, makin' no move to actually leave.

"Do you want me to take it back? Because we can just pretend I didn't say nothin'," I mutter, trying not to be hurt that it's the first time I've said those words. Still, it's tough not hearin' them back.

"No, Edward," she says. I keep my eyes closed because it's easier than looking at her. "I'm gonna go now. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Don't drink too much of that," she says, apparently spotting the whiskey I was cuddled up with before she disturbed my slumber.

"Okay." I smile at this because I like it when she fusses over me.

"I'll see you at school Monday," she continues. It seems like she's just making up shit now. Maybe she doesn't want to leave any more than I want her to leave.

"Okay."

My heart stops when I feel her lips press into my forehead. But far to quickly she's gone.

I try to ease my woes with the whiskey, but Bella's warning echoes in my head. Instead I just go back to dozin'.

"Jesus, Ed." This time it's Rose's voice that wakes me up. The light hurts my eyes and the world spins when I attempt to sit up, so I just lay right back down. "Are you ready to go?"

"And what makes you think I'll be goin' home with you." It'll be a miracle if she understood me what with my arm blockin' my mouth.

She lets out a snort. Guess she did understand me.

"It's me that'll be goin' home with you," she replies. I don't see how that's no different. "To where you live. With your brother. Who also happens to be my boyfriend."

Ah. That makes much more sense.

"Except I'll be the one drivin' your truck seein' as you're drunk as a skunk," Rose continues. What does Em see in her? She's so damn bossy.

"No one but me drives the truck." My words seem to run together and I can't seem to move my arms in a way that will help me get out of the tub.

"Yeah, too bad Bella already swiped your keys for me." She dangles them in front of my face and I try to make a grab for them and miss by a mile.

Somehow I manage to get out of that damned tub. Trudgin' to my truck is cake after that. I let Rose drive – against my better judgment – and sit with my head half out the window. The breeze keeps me from feelin' like I'm on a roller coaster when I close my eyes, but I'm so fuckin' sleepy.

It's a relief when we finally pull in to my familiar driveway. Rose and I silently enter the house and part ways at the bedrooms. I want nothin' more than to collapse face first on to my mattress and never move again.

All these plans are dashed when I flick on the light to see Bella sittin' in the middle of my bed. I blink rapidly a few time, not sure if this is some sort of whiskey induced mirage.

She is sittin' with her chin resting on her kness, just like she way sright before the first time I kissed her. Her eyes are wet, like she's been cryin' a lot. I frown at the idea of her cryin'.

She kinda reminds me of a jittery, panicky, frightened bird of some sort.

A really sexy bird.

"I love you, too," she says as if we are just continuing our conversation from earlier. I have to prop myself up on my crap-covered desk to keep myself from fallin' over in shock.

What in the hell is goin' on?

* * *

><p><strong>Poor Edward. Bella is really putting him through the ringer. We find out just what in the hell is going on with her next time!<strong>

**Live me some love! Or some hate. Or some constructive criticism. Whatever.**


	10. This I Know

**Hi there, all. **

**Told you my pace couldn't last forever. This will probably be it until after Thanksgiving, but I think I left you in a good place.**

**Also - To the relief of many of you, I am doing this whole thing where I actually get my stuff all fixed up by a beta. Stratan volunteered from the job which is just so freakin awesome. Big thanks to him.**

**Anyway, enjoy yourselves.**

* * *

><p>BPOV<p>

I don't really want to go to the party at Mike's. Edward will be there, and now that we've finally talked and determined that it's really over, he'll probably go off and have a threesome with some rally girls.

As long as it's not Tanya Denali, I'll be okay.

Oh, that is just ridiculous. I will most definitely not be okay.

So I don't want to go to the party, but I let Jasper drag me there anyway. He guilts me into it, saying that this is the first party we will be at together since last year. I don't know why that even matters

But somehow it's enough to get me to the party.

The car ride over is tense. I think Jasper senses that I'm not happy and babbles about football to fill the silence. He just goes on and on, irritating me so much at one point I swear I feel my eye twitch

"You're awfully silent tonight," he says when I don't respond to anything is says. He sounds irritated. Good. Join the club, dear boyfriend.

"I just don't have anything to say," I reply, looking out the window. I stumble over my words a bit due to all that wine, and I hope Jazz won't notice.

"Are you… are you drunk?" he demands, turning to gape at me even as he drives.

"Keep your eyes on the road," I reply.

"You are! You've been drinkin'! What has gotten in to you today?" he demands.

"I felt like some wine. What's the big deal?"

"There is a time and a place, Bella," Jasper scolds as we approach Mile's ranch. "You couldn't have waited until we left the adults? Shit, Bella. You could have really embarrassed me."

I snort at this and just shake my head, too angry and offended to even address that one.

"I guess Edward was right," Jazz mutters as he parks in front of Mike's. There are a lot of cars already crowding the dirt road. Most people abandoned the barbeque a while ago, but Jazz just had to wrap up the football talk.

He tries to get out of the Jeep but I stop him with, gripping his arm.

"What's Edward right about?" I snap, gettin' prickly at the idea of Edward and Jasper talking about me.

"Let's just go in, Bella," he says with a sigh. Even his tone pisses me off, like he's struggling to have patience with a child throwing a temper tantrum.

"No. I'm sitting right in this car until you tell me what Edward is right about!" I cross my arms over my chest, making it very clear that I'm going nowhere.

"You're behavin' like a child," Jazz replies.

I resist the urge to stick my tongue out at him and instead just turn away. We stay in silence for a moment until Jasper calls uncle.

"Fine!" he shouts. "Edward just said that you aren't the same anymore. He said this thing with your dad messed you up. He said it changed you."

I just blink at Jazz, shocked that Edward understood that. He paid much more attention than I thought.

"So you don't deny it," Jasper continues. "Edward was right. You are different."

"I'm just rethinking some things," I murmur, looking down at my hands. "It made me see things differently. That's all."

I brace myself for his questions. I expect to ask if I'm rethinking us; rethinking our future.

But he doesn't.

"Let's go inside."

But—"

"I'm not getting into this with you right now, Bella."

His tone leaves no room for argument. I'm suddenly too emotionally wrung out to push things.

* * *

><p>"Bella!" Jasper intercepts me as I make my way though the crowd. I need some fresh air, need to escape all this.<p>

Edward Cullen loves me. _Loves_ me.

I am shocked and elated and terrified all at once.

And I don't know what to do.

"Where are you goin'?" my boyfriend asks, grabbing my arm to keep me from slipping out the front door.

"I don't really know," I reply, pulling myself out of his grasp. "I just can't be here anymore."

"Everything okay?"

"I'm fine. Just ready to go," I reply in a rush.

"Give me a minute," he says, glancing over his shoulder quickly. "I'll say goodbye and take you home."

"You don't have to. I can walk or something."

Jasper rolls his eyes at this. It is a long way, I suppose, but the walk would do me good.

"Give me a minute."

I sit in his Jeep to wait. It takes more like twenty minutes before he shows up. Again, I don't really mind. It gives me time to think.

Edward loves me. Loves me.

Holy shit.

Edward loves me.

I sit there in kind of daze, waiting for Jasper to come take me home. When he finally hops into the car, I don't say anything or even look at him.

He sighs heavily as he starts the ignition.

"I wish you would fucking talk to me," he mutters, pulling on to the main road.

"What's the point," I reply wearily. "It's not like you listen."

"Oh, that's real nice, Bella," he replies.

"See, you're still not listening," I snap back.

We settle into uncomfortable silence. As we drive along, I know I should be focusing on this fight I'm having with my boyfriend, but Edward's words keep echoing in my head.

Edward loves me. Loves _me_.

When those words tumbled out of his drunken mouth, I just about lost it. I wanted nothing more then to return them, to crawl into that tub with him, and beg him never to let me go.

But that wouldn't have been fair. Not to a single one of us.

"Things will get better," Jazz says suddenly, as if he's pumping himself up for a big game. "You'll see. You'll be less cranky when we finally decide on a college for next year. It'll be you and me, babe. I'm still leaning towards Norte Dame. You can handle the winter, can't you?"

I stare at him for a minute, positive that he has to be joking after everything I've said tonight. It's a bad joke, but I'm willing to let it go.

Except he is dead serious.

"You're serious," I murmur in shock.

"Of course. We've talked about all of this before."

"Did you hear a word I said tonight? I need to figure out my own plans. Following you around for the rest of my life isn't gonna cut it. Not anymore," I tell him.

"You should just stop right there," Jasper says, sounding angry now. "You're just drunk and talkin' crazy. Best to not say anything you'll regret."

"I think we should break up." And as soon as the words leave my mouth, I know it's what I want. I don't want to be with him anymore, and I haven't for a long time. I was just desperately holding onto the familiar. We had some good years, Jazz and me, but I've outgrown us.

"Very funny," Jasper scoffs, not listening to me or taking me seriously. As is the usual. It makes me angry.

"I'm dead serious, Jasper. I don't think we should be together anymore."

He turns his head to gape at me.

We approach my house, and he parks out front. I desperately want to get out but it feels like Jasper hasn't said all he needs to say.

"Whatever you say, Bella," he says, trying to laugh it off. "We'll talk when you're sober. Things will look different in the morning, and we'll have a good long laugh at this whole fight."

"Jazz," I say, willing him to listen to me for once. It is so frustrating, talking to him. Has it always been this way? Or has he just developed this inability to hear me because he doesn't like what I'm saying. "I haven't had anything to drink in hours. I'm serious about this."

Jazz lets out a big sigh. "You've been so dramatic tonight."

My anger continues to boil. I want to get real dramatic and punch out his windshield or something, but I don't.

"Guess nothing I can say will make you see how serious I am," I murmur, shaking my head at him. "I'm not your girlfriend anymore. Goodnight."

I slip out of the Jeep and slowly walk towards my front door. I'm a little bit shell-shocked by this whole night, but as the surprise starts to wear off, all I feel is relief. And freedom.

Breaking up with Jazz brings me relief and freedom.

I hear Jasper take off, burning rubber behind me.

I giggle a little to myself. How did it take me so long to come to this conclusion? This is obviously right.

And there is only one person I want to share this with.

It takes me a while to walk to Edwards, but even so I'm not surprised to see his bed empty. He might just end up sleepin' in that bathtub, but I don't think Rose will just leave him there unless he is being super obnoxious.

She already had me steal his keys. I wanted to make sure he didn't drive, and she wanted a way to get to Emmett. I hope she knows that getting Edward home was part of the deal when I agreed to the theft.

His truck isn't in the driveway but he's gotta come home sometimes.

I keep the lights off as I settle myself on his messy bed, thinkin' I might just go to sleep.

But then it all just kinda hits me at once, everything that happened tonight. I realize that I've reached the end of an era. I broke up with my boyfriend of five years. Ever since I've lived in Dillon, I've been with Jasper basically. It's a whole new world, and it scares me.

I sniffle and cry a little, frustrated at myself.

It is so strange to feel sad and relieved and overjoyed at the same time. But I guess I'm allowed to mourn the end of my relationship. It is very, very messed up to do it in my ex-boyfriend's best friend's bed.

I hug my knees to my chest, feeling so confused and enlightened at the same time.

Edward flicks on the light a moment later, pulling me from my thoughts. He looks so sleepy and perplexed, swaying in his doorway and blinkin' at me. I jump a little, surprised by the intrusion.

"I love you, too," I tell him. I felt terrible not sayin' it back earlier, but it just wasn't right. Everything is different now.

He stumbles, leaning heavily on his desk and staring at me with wide eyes. The way he looks at me is so beautiful, especially when he smiles my smile.

"You do?" His voice is low and gravely.

"I do," I reply immediately. I don't doubt it anymore, and I don't want him to either. He just continues to sway there and grin. This probably wasn't the best timed declaration.

My boy is good and drunk.

I shuffle under his comforter and lay my head on his pillow.

"Join me?" I suggest.

He almost falls in his haste to get to me. Edward tumbles into bed, landing heavily next to me. I giggle at his drunken clumsiness because it is so different from his typical swagger.

I push his hair back off his forehead and lean down to give him a lingering kiss. He sighs and splays his fingers against my stomach. The gesture is so tender and the kiss so sweet, I fall a little bit more in love with him.

If that's even possible at this point.

It feels so good to be kissing him after all this time, and for the first time, I don't feel all that guilt weighing me down. There are still twinges, for cheating on Jazz in the first place, but I've finally figured out what is right, and I revel in it.

I rest my forehead against Edward's for a moment, and we just smile at each other.

Sitting up fully, I lean over and help Edward out of his shoes. He kicks off his jeans and I pull his plaid shirt off his shoulders. Edward groans in protest as I hop out of bed to turn off the light, shucking my pants on my way back to him

Finally comfortable, we lie facing each other. His arm is draped over my waist, and I run my hands over his chest. I watch his face in the light that gets in through the blinds. He struggles to keep his eyes open.

"Just close your eyes, baby," I murmur, my own eyelids feeling heavy.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because what if you're a whiskey induced mirage?"

He has totally lost me.

"A what now?"

"I can't tell if you're really here or if I've finally just lost it for good," he explains.

"I'm really here," I assure him. "And I'll be here in the morning. Sleep now."

He closes his eyes, and I join them a moment later.

* * *

><p>EPOV<p>

The sun is high in the sky when I wake, and I'm so exquisitely relieved to have Bella in my arms – solid and real and so much better than anything I imagined in that lonely month or so without her.

Even if the memories of exactly how we came to be spooned together in my bed are fuckin' fuzzy, I know before I even opened my eyes that she should be here. Bella's fingers gently drag over the top of my hand, back and forth, so I know she ain't sleepin'.

"Mornin'," I say, my voice low and croaky. Bella's fingers stop their motion and she rolls over to face me. Her smile is radiant and the sun shines through her hair.

I feel like such a pansy for noticin'.

Bella touches my cheek and I turn my head to kiss her palm. "Do you remember last night?" she asks. Something about this quiet, almost sacred feel of this morning has us talkin' in hushed tones.

"You love me." I say, my heart threatenin' to bust out of my chest.

She blushes but holds my gaze.

"I do," she says, noddin'. "And what else?"

I pretend to be thinkin' real hard, furrowin' my brow and scrunchin' my eyes. "I took a nap in a bathtub?" I venture.

Bella scowls and pinches my side. I laugh and still her hands. She struggles for a minute. and I wait patiently for her to stop before I say what I want to say.

"I love you," I murmur, running my fingers over her knuckles. "So much, Bella."

She blinks back a few tears, and I get a little choked up myself. With hands cradling her face, I kiss her. Using my lips, I try to prove to her that I mean what I say. Bella lets out a whimper, and I seriously consider rollin' on top of her before gettin' her out of her panties, but there are for too many questions boppin' around in my brain.

Bella frowns at me when I pull away.

"Hold that thought," I tell her.

She bursts into hysterical laughter, and it seems like she's lost her mind.

"What?" I demand, slightly offended that she isn't takin' me serious the one time I'm actually tryin'.

"Edward Cullen is turning down sex," she says, continuing to giggle. Her laugh and the way her lips form the word sex makes my dick twitch. "I must be dreaming."

I have to squeeze my eyes shut, tryin' to get a hold of myself. There is something about her basically guaranteeing me sex that is sexy as fuck.

Obviously.

But especially because only a few short months ago she was so timid and unsure.

"We should talk," I reply through clenched teeth.

I want the sex. Real bad. But for once, I need to know what's goin' on more than I need to get my dick wet.

Bella laughs again before moving away. She sits across from me with her legs crossed.

"I broke up with Jazz," she says quietly, all playfulness gone now.

While I process this frankly shockin' piece of information, I sit up against the headboard and stretch my legs out in front of me.

I can't believe she really did it.

I hope Jazz is okay.

Fuck, I'm just so happy she doesn't belong to someone else.

"Sorta broke up with Jazz," she amends. Ah, there's that other foot, droppin' right on to my chest. I rub at the ache.

"Sorta?" I demand.

"Well," she says, not noticing how pissed I now am. Getting yanked around by Bella Swan is gettin' real old real fast. "I don't think he got it."

"Got it?" Fuck, she is killin' me here. Why can't she just spit it out already. I yank on my hair in my frustration.

"Yeah. He didn't get that I was breaking up with him," she replies, lookin' at me like I'm an idiot.

"Did you say, 'Jazz, I'm dumpin' your ass?'" I push. Bella has always been a total people pleaser. She hates to do things that she knows will hurt someone else. I've been sayin' for years that she just needs to do what's right for her, to look out for her number one player, and not give a fuck about what other people want. In Bella's case, she needs to be a little more selfish.

I fear this break up might not be a break up because Bella is just too damn nice.

"I was very clear, Edward," she snaps. "Don't you start on me with all that people pleasing crap. I stated very clearly that we are no longer together, but he just didn't want to hear it."

"Okay," I say, grinnin' at her because she's cute when she gets huffy.

"And don't you grin at me like that," Bella continues, still feeling feisty, it seems. I don't mind. I like her feisty. "I didn't do it for you, mister."

"I know," I reply, my grin widening.

"I mean it," she says, misinterpreting the look on my face. "Don't you look all smug. I'm serious. This was about me."

"I know," I repeat.

"You do?" she asks, her brow furrowing as if I confuse her.

"Yeah. I think I've just forced you to see what has been clear for awhile," I say.

"And what is that?"

"That Jazz isn't good for you" I tell her quietly. I've always thought that Bella needs to find her own way, but what I don't tell her is my belief that Jazz is better for her than me. It's selfish, but it is just too good to be here. "You aren't supposed to be with him."

Although, I sure don't think she's supposed to be with me either.

Her mouth pops open in surprise, and I wonder if it was advisable to be this honest with her. I'm not open to discuss shit like this typically, but Bella has always managed to somehow drag me into talkin' about what's real and serious.

"This is weird, isn't?" she says finally. "Talking to you about Jazz."

"You have always talked to me about Jazz," I point out.

"Yeah, but now we love each other."

"Fine," I finally agree. "It's a little weird. But that's not gonna stop us from talkin' it out, now is it?"

Abruptly Bella leans over and lays one on me, kissin' me right on the lips. It's quick, but still potent enough to leave me somewhat dazed.

"What was that for?" I ask, staring at her in suspicion.

"Because you're listening to me," she whispers, looking away as she tries to hide her blush.

I have no idea what to make of that. Is it really that surprising? I've always listened to her, even when she wasn't actually talkin'. Sometimes, I think I know Bella better than anyone, just from years of being her friend and somewhat obsessively observing her.

"Can I ask you something?" she continues before I can say anything about this listening weirdness.

"Shoot."

"When did you figure out that you like me?" she asks softly.

"Aw, Isabella," I say, trying to play it cool and somehow avoid revealing just how long I've been crushin' on her. It's just plain embarrassing. "I've always liked you from the very moment you rejected Mike Newton during gym class."

"You know very well I didn't mean it like that," she replies, smiling at me. "How long have you liked me liked me? Like, you know. How long have you wanted to sleep with me?"

I smirk and shake my head at her. Sometimes she is just so damn clueless regarding how fuck all hot she is.

"Bella," I explain, tryin' not to laugh at her. "I'd be hard pressed to go out there and find a red blooded man who doesn't want to sleep with you."

She blinks at me, blushing, and for a moment I think I've gotten away with not really answering her question. But then her eyes narrow, and I know I'm fucked.

And not in the fun way.

"How long have you loved me?" she demands.

"I dunno." I wince because I sound like the liar I am, look away, and try to appear innocent.

"What?" she asks.

I shake my head.

"Seriously, tell me," she continues.

"Nothin' to tell," I shake my head.

"Please?"

That one whispered word is enough to do me in.

"You may love me now," I confess, feelin' fucking uncomfortable. "But I've loved you always."

She covers her mouth with her delicate little hand, and my heart stops because I feel like I've pushed her too far.

"Why didn't you say something?" Bella whispers. A few tears escape her eyes, and I feel like sure an asshole. I don't have her to cry.

"I think you know the answer to that one," I reply, wiping at her cheeks with my thumbs.

She nods, and I know that we are both thinking about Jazz and how she used to be happy. How the three of us were best friends.

"What happens now?" I ask, holding her hands as we sit facing each other on my bed. "Just yesterday you were tellin' me that we could never be together because it would hurt Jazz too much. Neither of us wants that."

"I know," she replies. Now it's her turn to wince. "But staying away from you is too hard."

This time, I lean over and kiss her tenderly, cradling her face in between my hands. Never before have I felt this affection or need for anyone else. And honestly, on some level, it freaks me the fuck out. But Bella is right here, kissin' me back, tellin' me she needs me too.

That kinda strength and courage is something to be embraced, this I know.

Bella moves into my lap, wrapping her arms around me and hugging me close. I leave her lips to kiss the column of her neck, making sure I linger at that one spot sure to drive her crazy.

She sighs and my hands move up and down her bare legs. I'm not really sure how I ended up in just my boxers and t-shirt or how she came to be in just a halter top and panties, but I'm grateful to be able to touch her skin so easily.

"No one can know," she murmurs. For a moment I think she is ashamed of me. She has every right to be, really. I really am quite the fall from grace for Bella. But then I remember my best friend and think that the hiding is probably for the best. "At least for now."

I just nod before kissing her again. We lay down together, slowly pealing off each other's clothes and earnestly reaffirming our words spoken this morning.

It's all so intense, and for the first time in my life, I let myself believe that something good could happen to a guy like me.

* * *

><p><strong>They are just so damn cute. It's a little puke worthy. There's a long way to go to the happy ever after (and yes I always do HEA, yee of little faith).<strong>


	11. In Secret, Again

**Happy Monday! **

**This is mostly fluff to thank y'all for reading and reviewing and what not. **

**Also, I figured you could use something nice before shit gets real next time. Remember that tragedy mention in the summary? Yeah, that's coming up. I told you not to get comfortable.**

**If you watched the show you know what I'm talking about I bet.**

**I'm thankful for you. **

**Beta-ed by Stratan who is awesome.**

* * *

><p>BPOV<p>

"I'm hungry," Edward mumbles into my neck. I let out a groan and attempt to hold him. I want him to stay just where he is. This morning with him has been so wonderful, I don't want to leave.

"I'd rather starve than get out of this bed," I reply.

Edward chuckles in my ear, but cuddles back in to my neck and hugs me closer. I sigh in contentment and run my fingers through his hair.

His tummy rumbles, disturbing our peace. We both laugh at the sound.

"Five more minutes," I say, on the verge of dozing again.

"Two more minutes," he counters, sounding just as sleepy as I do.

I open my mouth to argue, but don't get anything out before someone starts violently pounding on Edward's door.

"Edward!" I wince at the sound of Rosalie's shrill voice. "Come eat something. You've been moping in your room long enough. Time to greet the day!"

She continues to pound, and Edward lifts his head to look at me.

"I don't think she's gonna just leave," he whispers, grinning because he knows he's about to be fed.

I sigh heavily, knowing he's right, before getting out of bed. Grumbling to myself all the while, I locate my panties, my white halter from last night, and a pair of running shorts I must have left here over the summer.

"Edward!" Rose screeches again.

I wince as I open the door.

"Calm down, Rosalie Hale," I tell her, amused by her completely dumbfounded look. "You're loud enough to wake the dead."

"You have feathers in your hair," Rose says when she recovers, reaching out to pull them out of my hair with a little too much force.

"How?" I ask, looking over my shoulder to Edward.

"Shit happens," he says with a shrug and a smirk.

"Ew," replies Rose, sounding like a little kid.

I let out a big sigh, shaking my head at Edward. But he looks so damn cute, smirking at me with his shirt off and his hair all tousled from my fingers, I can't help but grin back.

"Oh my God," Rose continues. "You two make me want to puke."

"Can we help you, Rosalie Lillian?" I huff, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Nope. Unless you have any desire to help me cook lunch?" She waggles her eyebrows, and I giggle before looking back at Edward. He nods enthusiastically.

"Okay. But let's make it brunch. I want eggs," I say, following Rose into the kitchen.

"Brunch it is."

* * *

><p>"So what's all this?" Rosalie says, gesturing between Edward and I as we all sit around the coffee table in the family room and eat.<p>

The boys don't have a kitchen table. I pointed this out over the summer and both Cullen boys stared at me like I was nuts.

"You two gettin' it on again? Nice." Em says, smirking at me. Rose gives him a high five, and I hide my blushing face in Edward shoulder.

"Watch it," Edward says, his voice low and authoritative. He doesn't even look up from shoving food in his mouth.

"You're seriously not gonna give us anything?" Rose demands, abandoning her meal in favor of scowling at me. "How did this happen? Also when? Ed and I got back here at close to three this morning."

"I was here when you got back," I mumble into Edward's arm, still blushing too much to actually look at either of them. I know that they know what we did this morning, and it is just so painfully embarrassing.

"Oh really?" Emmett says. I don't look at him but I can hear the smirk in his voice. Those Cullen boys and their crooked smiles.

"Watch it," Edward says again.

"How did you get here?" Rose pushes. "I don't think your ride home last night would have been so willing to just leave you here."

"We broke up, Rosalie," I say finally. "Happy?"

Rose and Emmett start clapping. I lift my head to gape at them. Rosalie genuinely surprises me. I thought she was all for Jasper and I. Maybe she just doesn't want to be the only one secretly dating a Cullen.

"Well, good for you two," Rose continues, going back to her meal. I hand my plate to Edward because I'm full and he never is. "Shall I assume that this is gonna stay between the four of us?"

"For now," I murmur, smiling shyly at Edward. He smiles back before dropping a kiss on my bare shoulder. His lips linger as he stares up at me, and I push his hair back off this forehead.

"Aw, aren't they cute?" asks Emmett.

"They make me want to puke," says Rosalie, repeating her earlier sentiment.

"Goddamn, woman," Emmett replies. "Could you try to be a girl for like ten seconds?"

"You were sure singin' a different tune last night, doll," Rose shoots back.

"Don't call me 'doll', babe."

"Don't call me 'babe', doll."

Edward pulls me up with him from the couch as the pair continues to bicker.

"What about the dishes?" I ask, glancing back at the annoyingly messy kitchen and TV area as he drags me along by the hand.

"Later," he says, pulling me into his room, closing his door, and pushing me up against it. I giggle as he touches me all over, lifting me off my feet slightly as he grinds into me.

"Edward Cullen!" I say, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and grinning madly. "You are incorrigible this morning!"

"Course I am." His words are muffled against the side of my neck. His lips graze that spot, making my eyes roll back in my head. "You love me."

I smile and sigh because he loves me too.

He hitches my legs around his waist, pushing me up against the door so my head is above his. I like this both because I can touch his hair – a part of him I'm quickly becoming obsessed with – and because his lips find my chest.

I groan softly because he is hard between my legs.

Not pleased with the amount of my skin he is touching, I wiggle out of my halter, and am pleased when his lips wrap around my nipple before the shirt even hit the ground. I whimper and let my eyes drift closed.

Suddenly his movements slow and then stop. I lift my head from the door to blink down at him in confusion. His forehead rests against my collarbone, and I touch his face so he'll look at me.

"What's wrong?" I murmur, unable to read the intense look in his eyes.

"You are mine," he replies beseechingly. "Right?"

"Yeah," I say with a slight smile. "As long as your mine, too?"

He nods quickly and kisses me again, slower, more intensely this time. Securing my legs around his waist, he moves us away from his door and places me gently on his mattress. I sit up on my elbows, watching somewhat dazzled as he pulls off his t-shirt. I reach out to run a hand over the counters of his stomach as he slips out of his shorts and then pulls me out of mine.

I lay there, all exposed but not even feeling embarrassed about it, as he lingers at the foot of the bed. He touches me and I sigh. He places a kiss on my hipbone and then my inner thigh, and my eyes flutter closed.

But then he kisses me _there_, and I yelp, trying to close my legs to keep him away. My face turns bright red and I can't even form words.

"Bella?" Edward asks, his head popping up to look at me. He has an amused little smirk on his face and suddenly my embarrassment at my reaction overcomes my embarrassment at what he just did.

I shouldn't be so scandalized. It's not like I haven't heard the girls talk about this before. Rose – as is usual – is way too graphic about it, claiming it's her favorite thing in the entire world.

"Do you not like this?" he asks, continuing to look at me in mild concern.

I just shrug my shoulders.

"You don't know if you like it," he continues, letting his chin rest on my raised knee and running a hand up and down my leg.

It feels good.

And I can imagine it; how his mouth would feel there. Just picturing it makes me feel all wiggly, and I try to alleviate some of the tension by rubbing my legs together, but Edward cruelly keeps them apart. I bite my lip and scowl at him.

"My best friend is such a fuckin' moron," Edward mumbles, shaking his head. I wince at the mention of Jasper at a time like this but decide to ignore it. He again looks me in the eye, and says, "Bella, trust me."

I give him one little nod before lying down fully on the bed. If I look at him with his mouth on me like that, I will surely die of embarrassment.

With his hands on my lips, Edward pulls my body down to the edge of the bed, causing me to giggle a little at the abrupt motion.

But then his mouth is on me, and I can't seem to find any reason to laugh anymore because this feels so good. The man I love is making me feel so good.

He does magic things, and I clutch at his hair as my stomach quivers and my toes curl.

Edward lets out a low moan against me, and it proves to be my undoing.

He climbs up my body as I slowly drift back down to earth. I let out giggles between my labored breaths, smiling so widely because he is so amazing.

"You're amazing," he murmurs, his hot breath tickling my ear.

I laugh again because I was just thinking the same thing about him.

I try to tell him but I can't seem to find the words.

He pushes into me then, and words become irrelevant.

* * *

><p>"What are we doin' today?" I ask, blinking up at Edward as I rest with my chin on his chest.<p>

"I thought we were doin' it," he replies, giving my butt a playful little whack. I try to scowl at him but just end up giggling because he is such a failure at pulling off an innocent face.

Edward's fingertips trace my spine, and I let myself drift for a moment.

"We can't stay in here all day," I murmur eventually.

"Sure we can."

"Edward," I say with a huff as I sit up. "Let's go somewhere. What do you do by yourself? Just for fun? Something I don't know about you."

He lets out a big old sigh. "Fine. Alright. Whatever you say."

He drags himself out of bed, scratching his head and stretching his arms above his head.

"Where're we going?" I ask, a little bemused by his speedy departure.

"The shower," he asks hopefully. "And then a surprise. Wanna join me?"

"Yes," I reply, beaming up at him as I continue to lounge all wrapped up in his sheets. "But I should really call my mom."

"You're no fun," he mutters, grabbing a towel and walking across the hall to the bathroom.

I roll my eyes at him because I've lost count of the number of times we did it this morning. No fun indeed.

I let myself enjoy my dreamy little bubble for another moment before locating my cell. Calling my mother is letting a little reality in. I know it will be worse come Monday at school when we'll have to pretend, but this weekend I'm reserving just for us.

Which is why I have to call my mom. If she sends the police to find me, it would really put a damper on my Edward time.

"Isabella," my mom snaps. I wince because I can tell by her tone that she has discovered I didn't come home last night.

"Hey, Mom."

"By the state of your bed, I can tell you didn't sleep in it," she says.

"Yeah… I ended up at Rosalie's," I lie, feeling guilty. My mother will totally lose it when she finds out about Edward. And she's already going to be freaking out plenty when I tell her about Jasper.

"That's what I told Jasper when he showed up looking for you this morning."

And the bubble has officially popped. I sit straight up in bed, praying that I'll be able to keep my voice steady.

"Mom, Jazz and I broke up last night," I say, bracing myself for her reaction.

"Well, it's a good thing he's headed over to Rose's place," my mom says, sounding completely unbothered. "You'll talk and clear that foolishness right up."

Good grief. Why does no one take me seriously? I swear, Mom and Jazz should just get together. They would probably live happily ever after just never hearing a word the other one said.

"It's not like that, Mom," I reply, trying not to grind my teeth together. "We're really over."

"Whatever you say, doll," she says dismissively. "I know how you teens are, breaking up every two seconds. One day we'll laugh at this little bump in the road at your wedding."

"Right…" My mother is insane. No doubt about it. Woman seriously needs to remove her rose colored glasses. "Anyway, I'm pretty broken up about it so I'm just going to stay with Rose today. I'll probably just end up spending the night here."

"Okay, honey," she says amicably. "Will your father and I be seeing you at church?"

Her question makes my tummy hurt. They both seem perfectly happy to just pretend like nothing happened, going back to the scene of the incident to worship with the people that shunned us every Sunday until my dad bought their forgiveness.

I just don't get the people that birthed me.

"Nope, but I'll be home for dinner tomorrow," I assure her. My phone beeps, indicating I have another call. "Hey, Mom? My phone is beeping. I've got to go."

I hustle her off the phone and switch calls. Before he speaks, I have a pretty good idea who it is, but I figure I just need to rip off this particular band aid.

"Hey, Jazz," I say with a resigned sigh.

"Where are you?" he demands without preamble.

"Jasper, why are you calling me?" Lord, give me patience.

"We're not over, Bella," he says. "I don't like the way our last conversation played out. Why is no one answering Rosalie's door?"

"Because no one is at Rosalie's," I tell him. "We're out."

Technically it's not a lie. Rose is around here somewhere.

"Out where?"

"Aw hell, Jasper," I say, groaning in frustration. "I'm not telling you where I am. I don't want to see you."

He's silent for a moment, and I think that maybe he finally gets it.

"We have to talk, Bella," he murmurs. My heart hurts because of his tone. When he is all in my face, I forget that I've hurt him, that I'm probably still hurting him. There is a lot about our break up that he doesn't understand, and there is no way I'm gonna tell him about Edward yet, but I do owe him a conversation.

"Okay. You're probably right about that. But I'm not going to change my mind. And I need a couple days," I tell him.

I'm giving myself until Monday to ignore reality as much as possible. It is all Edward for the next two days.

"Sure thing, Bells," he says, sounding like his old, chipper self again. It probably means that he doesn't believe me when I say I won't change my mind. "I'll talk to you soon. I love you."

And with that he hangs up.

With a frustrated growl I flop face first into the comforter, pounding my fists on the mattress a little.

"Shit, woman." Edward sneaks up on me, and I jerk up to look at him, embarrassed to be caught throwing a little hissy fit. He has a towel wrapped around his hip while he roughly dries his hair with another. "I was only gone for ten minutes. I know you hate to be away from me, but there's no need to get violent."

Before I can answer, Edward's phone rings. He kicks around a few pairs of pants before he pulls it out of a pocket. He winces when he sees who's calling.

"It's Jasper," I say, wishing things could be simpler. "Isn't it?"

Edward nods, hits a button, and discards the phone. He sits on the edge of the mattress shoulders slumped. He looks so dejected I move to wrap my body around him from behind to provide a little comfort. He holds my hand against his chest.

"This is gonna be real hard for you, isn't it?" I murmur. "He's gonna want to talk about me. How do you comfort him and love me all at once?"

Edward doesn't say anything but he doesn't really have too. He isn't a big talker, especially about stuff like this. It's a miracle I got as much out of him as I did this morning.

He's loved me forever. How crazy wonderful is that?

"For today," I continue, placing a kiss between his shoulder blades. He relaxes a little and runs his thumb over my knuckles. "And tomorrow, there is just you and me. You don't have a best friend, and I don't have insane parents. There is no Dillon or gossip or high school. Two days of just us."

"Sounds perfect," he says, looking over his shoulder to grin at me. "Get dressed. We've got places to be."

* * *

><p>"I'm really worried here, Edward," I say as we cruise down the highway with the windows down. My hair flies around my head, getting in my mouth, so I gather it in my hand as I sputter.<p>

"You worry too much, Swan," Edward replies, shooting me a lazy smile. I return the look because he is just so totally in his environment at the wheel of his pickup with his plaid and his jeans and his aviators.

"I have no idea where we are going," I say, listing all the things I have to worry about. "There is a case of beer in the cooler and a set of golf clubs in the back. This is highly concerning stuff."

He just shakes his head and pushes his hand up my thigh. I lay my head against his shoulder and close my eyes, trying to hold on to the feeling of absolute contentment.

We drive for a while longer before turning on to a dirt road. Edward parks not long after at the bottom of a hill. He hands me a thick blanket and he takes the beer and the clubs. It only takes up about ten minutes to hike to the top of the grassy hill. It flattens out on the top before abruptly dropping off into a cliff. It's not tall, only about twenty feet to the bottom before it flattens out again into the Texas prairie. Directly below is an old dirt creek bed.

And the view is pretty awesome. It is just flat nothing, all the way to the horizon. I never thought Texas was particularly beautiful, but this spot is prefect and breathtaking.

"You love it," Edward murmurs.

"I love it," I reply with a nod. "How did you find this place?"

Edward just shrugs before setting down his load and taking the blanket out to spread in out on a particularly flat patch of grass.

"You are just full of surprises, Cullen," I muse, shaking my head and smile at him. Because it's the truth. I'm coming to understand that Edward has been hiding big chunks of himself. He's not only my carefree, laid back, trouble making friend. I didn't realize until this summer how private he really is, how difficult it is to get to know him.

My Edward, nature lover. Who'd of thought it?

"You like pretty places. You sure know this area, huh?"

"Yeah, well," he says, looking slightly embarrassed as he sits on the blanket and pops the tab on a can of beer. "Texas forever."

I join him on the blanket, grabbing my own beer. We watch the sun slowly move towards the horizon. It's not long before Edward finishes his beer and gets up. I watch him, thinkin' he's gonna grab another, but instead he carefully selects a golf club.

"What are you doin'?" I ask.

"Golfing," he replies as if it should be obvious.

"Golfing," I repeat, still skeptical.

He sets the beer can down, spends more time than seems necessary lining up his shot and swinging away. Shielding his eyes from the sun with his hand, he nods before getting another beer and sitting next to me.

"Golf," he says with a shrug when I stare at him.

"You're just going to litter up that nice field?"

"Stop that tree-huggin' crap," he says, teasing me. "You sound just like Rose. There is no way you can sit there and tell me that you don't want to see if you can whack your beer can farther than my beer can."

I get oddly competitive about weird things. Edward knows this. Even though I have no chance of out driving Mr. Football over here, I just have to try.

"But the littering…" I protest even as I take a long swig of beer, almost finishing off my drink.

"Isabella," he scolds. "Do you see a single beer can in that field? I've obviously packed out what I packed in. Although I must say, drunkenly searching for cans in the dark can be a real bitch so hurry up and take your shot before the sun goes down."

I grin at him, kiss his cheek, and finish my beer before selecting my own club. The bottom part of it is bigger than Edward's. This seems like a good idea. I mimic Edward's earlier motions, carefully setting down the can and gripping the club. The sun glints off Edward's can and it doesn't seem that far.

I swing big and totally miss.

Edward tries to hold back a laugh and totally fails. I stomp my foot and glare at him.

"I've never ever done this before," I rant, getting all huffy with him. He shoots me a lazy grin before standing. He reaches out for my hips, but I bat him away, still obscenely annoyed with him.

"You're just the single most adorable thing I've even seen," he says, getting as close to me as he can without actually touching me. I look up at those startling green eyes and shiver, feeling hot and cold at the same time.

I don't know how anyone can manage to be so irritating and compelling at the same time.

"See, somehow when you say that it doesn't sound like a compliment," I mutter, crossing my arms over my chest and letting him pull me closer with his hands on my hips now.

"That's where you're wrong," Edward replies, smiling the soft smile reserved just for me. "But if you want me to see you as a badass golfer rather than the most adorable thing in the world, than a fuck-awesome golfer you shall be."

"Edward," I chide for his language.

"Come on," he says, hanging me another full can. "Drink up."

I do as he says.

He takes the next shot, talking me the whole time about handgrip, feet placement, and weight distribution. I don't really listen because he looks so unbearably hot standing there on the edge of the small ridge and the sun shining behind him.

When I finish my beer, Edward pulls me up to stand with my back pressed to his front. One hand on my hip, the other against my rib cage, he whispers all the things I should do in my ear.

It is all very, very distracting, but I get it a little farther than my first one. Nowhere near Edward's two, though.

By the time the sun is dipping passed the horizon, I'm really drunk. In my crazed obsession to beat Edward, I ended up drinking much more than him. Around beer four I tried pouring it out on the ground but Edward looked so appalled I decided drinking was the best option.

"No more," he says, plucking the can out of my hand just as I get it out of the cooler.

"But that one was close!" I sway and try to focus as I attempt to grab it back. I lunge for it, trip over my own two feet, and land with my cheek against Edward's chest.

Oh, that's nice.

All hard and warm and sexy.

I grab his butt and he actually squawks in surprise. I find it highly amusing that I've managed to surprise a done-it-all dude like Edward.

"You're so pretty," I slur, smiling up at him as I let him hold me up. Suddenly feeling up Edward is much more appealing than beating him.

"You're so drunk," he replies with a chuckle.

"Whose fault is that?" I remind him, really not too upset about it.

"I didn't know I'd tapped in to some scary competitive vein of yours," he says.

"Liar." He totally knew about must-win Bella.

He chuckles and kisses me. Before I can really figure out how to make my lips respond to him, he pulls away. I pout and huff.

"I've gotta go pick up," he says, tucking my hair behind both my ears. "And then we'll get home. Okay?"

"Okay," I say, beaming at him. "I want to help."

"Bella, you don't even seem like you can stand on your own," he points out.

I push him away and stand there on my own, clearly demonstrating my amazing ability to not fall over myself.

"Fine," he says, grabbing my hand. "But you keep your eyes right on the path and don't you let go of this hand."

He waves our combined hands in my face.

I blink at him, confused by this statement.

"Why would I ever let go of this hand?" I ask.

He smiles, kisses my forehead, grabs a back trash bag, and off we go.

* * *

><p>It's fully dark as we drive home. I'm basically lying in Edward's lap, studying his jaw from this angel. He's pretty from this angle. He's pretty from all angles.<p>

"You know," I babble because I'm feeling like a chatty drunk tonight. "You're so fun."

He chuckles, slipping his hand under the edge of my t-shirt. It's actually his t-shirt. I didn't want to go home and a perfectly placed knot makes it so it's not down to my knees. Plus, I like wearing Edward's clothes. Mostly because I can tell he likes me in them.

"I don't know why you're laughin'," I continue when he doesn't reply with actual words. "I'm real serious."

"I know, baby," he says, the endearment making me all warm and fuzzy inside.

"You are the most fun. I've never had fun like I have fun with you. Like this morning," I say, lifting my head a little to kiss his elbow because it is the closest thing I can see to kiss. "And today. It was so simple, and so fun. Although, I think we could probably have fun doing nothing at all because we know each other and love each other."

I haven't really spent a lot of time thinking about this, but it's the truth. There is really something to be said for falling for your best friend.

"Can we go to church tomorrow?" I murmur, my eyes getting heavy. Edward caresses my hip, and I drift off.

He replies but I don't really hear him. It doesn't matter. I know the answer anyway.

This love bubble is warm and safe, so I don't let myself think about Monday.

* * *

><p><strong>Thoughts?<strong>


	12. Family Dinner

**Hi. Long time no see. Thanks for the reading and the review and the favoriting and all that. Y'all make me so happy.**

**Betaed by Stratan. Thanks for that too.**

**The football stuff and the accompanying dialog is straight out of Friday Night Lights. I'm hopeless at the sports stuff and don't own any of that.**

**Don't own Twilight either.**

**This one is a little longer. So is the next one. **

**Enjoy.**

* * *

><p>"Stay," I plead, even though we both know it's useless. She has to go, no matter how much I want her to stay. Tomorrow we have to pretend, and I irrationally feel like if I can just keep her here, then we won't have to go to school at all.<p>

"You know I can't," she says, fastening her belt buckle before sitting next to me on the mattress as I lie there still naked. I wrap my arms around her waist and lay my head in her lap. She pushes my hair back off my forehead.

"Yeah, I guess," I mutter petulantly.

Fuck, I don't even really recognize myself in this moment. Never before have I been this clingy lovesick fool. But then again, never did I ever think I'd even have Bella.

"You could come with me?" she offers hopefully. I just look up at her likes she's talkin' crazy.

Because she is.

Bella lets out a big sigh. "You're right," she replies, answering her own question. "My mom really doesn't like you. Good thing you can run the ball or I don't think Charlie would even notice you."

"Thanks for the ringing endorsement," I say dryly.

"Don't get butt hurt. Renee only likes rich people and Charlie barely even notices his own daughter."

I lean up to give her a quick kiss because I don't know who fucked up their children more – my drunken parents by splittin' or her clueless parents for hangin' around. She melts into me for another moment before pullin' away.

"No more of that now," she murmurs, smiling shyly at me. "I'm already late. It's after six."

"Fine, fine," I reply, finally getting up to get dressed for the first time since we got back from Mega Church this morning. I pull on a pair of athletic shorts and a t-shirt, pleased when I catch Bella starting.

Yeah, she thinks I'm hot.

I drive a full seven miles under the speed limit as I take her home just to keep her with me a little longer. Bella scolds me, and I speed up slightly, but she doesn't really seem to mind all that much. When I park in front of her house, I want to kiss her goodbye but I don't make a move. It's actually Bella who does a quick survey of the surrounding area before laying one on me.

"I love you," she murmurs.

"I love you, too." I still don't feel totally comfortable confessin' something like that, but I figure I need to say it while I can actually say it. Tomorrow I have to pretend to be her friend only.

"See you tomorrow," she says, getting out of the truck. I wince, thinkin' about how fucking painful it will be to not touch her. "Everything is gonna be fine," she assures before kissing my cheek and scampering off.

I'm in a downright foul mood when I get home. Emmett isn't even around for me to pound on – or get pounded on – as a distraction. I seriously consider drinkin' away my sorrows, but Bella would strongly disapprove of getting wasted alone on a Sunday night, so I don't.

Instead I go for a jog and do some lifting in my garage. First game of the season is in two weeks, and I've been mighty unfocused with everything going on with Bella. I feel like I owe it to Jazz to bring him a win. It'll go a long way in soothing his broken heart.

I think.

I hope.

Even though I really don't want to, I finally return Jasper's call from yesterday. In part, I know he needs to talk, but I also have selfish reasons for callin'. It'll probably be easier to hear it now then pretend to be surprised with him telling me in person.

"Where the fuck have you been all fucking weekend, dude?" He answers the phone after one ring.

"Around," I reply, struggling to sound casual. "I saw you Friday," I point out.

"Friday. Fuck Friday. The stupidest day in a real long time, if you ask me," Jazz rants.

"What happened, Jazz?"

"Bella has lost her goddamn mind, that's what!"

I bristle at the dig to my girl but manage to keep my mouth shut. Luckily, this little conversation isn't so much about me offering friendly advice – not that I'm one for giving advice even under normal circumstances. Jazz just needs to rant. And rant he does.

It's not so bad. Mostly I drown him out.

"Why are you not more surprised by this?" he demands after his nice long freak out.

"Say what now?" I wasn't really listening so I'm surprised by his sudden change in tone.

"Have you talked to Bella?"

I sigh, wanting to lie to him but deciding he deserves as close to the truth as possible.

"Yeah, I talked to her today," I admit.

"Shit, dude!" he shouts. "You're just mentioning this now?"

"To be honest, Jazz," I say, pushing down my irritation. "I don't want to be in the middle of this thing with you and Bella. She's my friend too."

He is silent for a moment, and I brace myself for his wrath. But instead he just sounds painfully defeated.

"Yeah, I know. I get that. But I'm dying here, man. She 's refusing to talk to me," he whines. And I do feel bad for him. Really, I can't even imagine how painful it is to lose Bella.

This whole thing is so fucking complicated. How I feel about this thing is so fucking complicated.

"She doesn't want what she used to want, Jazz." I tell him, feeling like such an asshole for discussin' Bella with her ex even if he is my best friend.

"What the fuck does that even mean?" he asks with a big old sigh. He doesn't want to deal with this. He wants to be football focused. I wish he would just let it go, but that's real selfish on my part. "She doesn't want me anymore?"

No, she doesn't, you motherfucker.

"She's figuring out what she wants for the future. I think she wants to go off and make it on her own," I continue, still feeling so fucking weird walking the line between what I should and shouldn't say.

"Where the hell is this coming from?" Jasper demands, sounding miserable.

It's me, I want to admit. She loves me even though I'm not perfect, even though on paper, she shouldn't. Her daddy shattered her whole world this summer, and somehow I was here, and here is where she wants me to stay.

But I can't tell him any of this.

Fuck, I'm breaking my best friend's heart even if he doesn't totally know it.

"She'll talk to you," I murmur, even though I want her nowhere near him.

Jasper rants for a few more minutes before moving on to football things. He leaves me feeling miserable. I resent him and I hate myself for resenting him when I know I'm in the wrong.

I'm still grappling with all this but the bottom line is I can't stay away from Bella. She's the only girl I've ever loved. Sometimes I think she's the only person to really know me. I can't give that up, no matter how much I love Jazz, too.

I try to go to bed early, rest up for the day ahead but I can't.

At about eleven thirty, I find myself outside Bella's window. Part of me thinks I should leave her alone. I don't want to freak her out with the level of my obsession. This is just a little too stalker like.

I leave and come back four times before I finally climb the tree that has served me so well since I was a little kid and would sleep on Bella's floor. Even being around her back then made me feel better.

I let out a big breath in relief when I find her window open. Silent after years of practice, I slip in through the window and close it behind me. Now that I'm here, I don't totally know what to do.

Wake her? Crawl in to bed with her? Sit in her rocking chair and just watch her sleep?

I am such a creepy motherfucker.

But then I turn around to see Bella staring intently at me. She smiles and I rush over to her, lying down next to her.

"Where's your car?" she whispers, facing me with her hands tucked under her chin as her head rests on the pillow.

"Couple blocks over," I reply, mimicking her position.

Bella nods, turning over and pulling my arms around her so we're spooning.

"You have to be gone before six," she says. "That's when Charlie leaves."

"Sounds like you've thought this through," I whisper back, pushing my nose into her hair.

Strawberries. Nice.

"I know you, Cullen." I can tell by the dreamy quality of her voice that she is on the verge of sleep. "There's no way you could stay away."

I pull her closer. She waited up for me. She wants me here.

For the first time, I start to think that she might just be as obsessed with me as I am with her

* * *

><p>The only reason I walk down this particular hall before the first bell rings is to see Bella. It's only been a couple of hours since I snuck out of her room, but still, it's too long.<p>

She looks radiant in a light blue, summer dress. As she gathers her books, she smiles to herself and blushes slightly. I wonder what she's thinking about and hope it's me.

Approaching her for a casual pre-school chat is totally normal, so I do it, walking in typical slow fashion instead of spiriting to her. She spots me, shooting me this coy little look over her shoulder and biting her lips.

The stare is a little too smoldering, but I give her a quick smile before looking away.

"Good morning," I drawl, leaning against the locker next to hers and crossing my arms over my chest. I look at the hallway traffic instead of Bella. I don't think I can look at her without mentally undressing her. Don't want the rest of the world to see that look on my face.

"Hey," she murmurs, sliding a book into her backpack. "You must have slunk out of my room real quietly."

"Didn't want to wake you," I reply, still keeping my voice low even though there is no one around to hear us. "You didn't get much sleep this weekend."

"You didn't let me get much sleep this weekend," she corrects, blushing slightly.

We are both quiet. I replay my favorite moments in my head. I like to think she does the same.

"What's up, bitches?" I glance up from the floor that was providing a nice place to zone out to see little Alice Masen approach. I smile because the way she talks is pretty fuckin' funny. I like her, but I can't tell how Bella feels.

"Hi, Alice," Bella says, blinking slightly at being referred to as a bitch but not taking it personally. "Did you have a good weekend?"

Alice shrugs. "You're little meat fest was quiet the experience. I mean, that was a lot of crazy in one concentrated place."

I chuckle because Alice is entertaining as always. Even Bella seems slightly amused, and shakes her head.

"But you do have a lovely home," Alice says, backpedaling as if she's worried that she offended Bella's sensibilities.

Bella snorts. "My mother would just love to hear that. I think she lives on popular opinion rather than, you know, oxygen."

Alice throws her head back and laughs at this. "I wish my mom had a little of that," Alice confesses. "She's a total lunatic that does whatever strikes her in the moment. The number of times I was asked by school officials to control my mother… Shit, I was more parent than kid. Guess she's Phil's problem now. He's the step-dad."

"There has to be a happy medium," Bella says, nodding in sympathy.

There seems to be bonding happening here. I'm glad that Bella is branching out from the cheerleader crowd.

And as if I conjured them, said cheerleaders round the corner and enter the hall. Lauren Mallory, Jessica Stanley, and Angela Weber walk as if they are in a movie. It's like one of those scenes where the characters are in slow motion and everyone turns to gawk at them.

I slouch lower against the lockers, hoping in vain that they won't stop of chat.

Too fuckin' late.

Lauren, flanked by the other, fractionally less popular girls, walks straight to Bella.

"Hey, Bella." She talks to Bella but keeps her eyes on me. She flips her hair and attempts to smolder. It's difficult for me not of roll my eyes. "Cute dress."

"Thanks, Lauren," Bella says, closing her locker with a little more force than necessary and turning to face everyone in our quickly expanding group. "Y'all look nice too."

"Hey, EC," Lauren coos, rubbing my arm. I nod at her but do nothing to encourage her attention.

"Remember, every day this week is school colors and then every day next week is uniforms," Jessica puts in, talking in girl code that I would like to escape from. But they have me surrounded. Leaving would involve gettin' way to close to Lauren. Who knows what she would do to me.

"Five days of cheerleading outfits," Alice muses, shaking her head. "Isn't that a little excessive?"

Lauren and Jessica shoot daggers at the coach's daughter. "And who are you?" Lauren demands, towering over Alice.

"A curious peer," Alice replies with a shrug. "I just want to know why you have to do five days in those little get ups."

"First game of the season is in two weeks," Bella explains, attempting to save Alice from the wrath of Lauren. It's nice, but I'm sure Alice is capable of fending for herself. "It's tradition, I guess."

"One of how many traditions?" Alice asks pleasantly.

"I've lost count," Bella replies with a giggle.

Lauren scowls and after a few more moments of boring and irrelevant conservation, the three leave. I'm momentarily relieved until the cheerleaders are replaced with the captain of the football team.

"I went by your house this mornin'," Jasper says without greeting. He doesn't even look at anyone but Bella. "You're mom said you already left."

"Right she was," Bella responds. "I left early."

"Because I usual pick you up?"

Bella looks embarrassed and studies the ground while I resist the urge to defend her.

"Don't be like that, baby," Jasper says, attempting to grab her hand. I shove my hands in my pockets to keep myself from hittin' my best friend.

"I'm not your _baby_," Bella snaps back, pulling her hand from his grasp. Her eyes flick to me before she scowls at Jasper.

"What the hell is up with you two?" Alice asks, never one to mince words. We should keep her around. She's a good egg.

"We broke up," Bella explains. Now Jasper scowls at her.

"We're takin' a break," Jazz amends.

The bell rings and Bella escapes to class, draggin' Alice with her. Jasper looks at me, shakin' his head.

"Has the whole world gone crazy?" he asks.

Probably. Bella loves me. Jasper doesn't know. Something's gotta give at some point.

* * *

><p>At practice, I get yelled at. A lot.<p>

"What's in yer head, boy?" demands Coach, gettin' so close I get sprayed a little by his spit. "I've seen goldfish with more focus than you right now. Head in the game, Cullen. Head in the game!"

His criticism isn't constructive because I know what I'm doin'. Jasper may get all the glory around here but football is the one of the few things that's ever come easy to me. It's frustrating, fucking up this badly.

My frustration just makes me play worse. And then I talk back to Coach – using a few of my favorite four letter words – which is just plain stupid.

We Cullen's don't take well to authority, but I do know better than to be yellin' at Coach.

He makes me run around the stadium, up and down the bleachers, for almost an hour after practice.

"Should I be worried, Cullen?" he asks quietly as I hunch over at his feet, working to catch my breath when he finally feels I've been punished enough got insubordination. It feels like I'm gonna lose a lung. Fuck, I should really drink less beer and run with Bella more.

I shake my head at Coach, unable to reply.

"Head in the game tomorrow, thirty-three," he says, walkin' towards the locker room. "Head in the game."

That's proving to be difficult, what with my insane jealously towards my best friend. Also, how we both love the same girl and he doesn't even know it.

Fuck, when did I let my life get so complicated?

The rest of the team has cleared out by the time I make it to the showers. I take my time, willing myself to just fuckin' relax. I'm not one to worry or stress 'bout much at all, but lately I'm constantly on edge. My love for Bella wars with my guilt for fucking over my best friend.

Cullens don't have many virtues or morals and whatnot, but this is provin' too much for even me.

Jasper is leanin' against my truck when I finally emerge from the locker room. I curse under my breath and think about hiding out to avoid him, but he spots me. Hands stuffed in my pockets, I trudge on over to him.

I give him the head nod in greeting. The less I speak the better because it's the less I've gotta lie to my oldest friend.

"Are you okay?" Jazz says without preamble. I was expecting him to be pissed at me for fucking up at practice so extraordinarily, but instead he's concerned for my well being. I can hear it in his fuckin' voice.

I hate that he's worried about me.

"Shouldn't I be askin' you that," I joke like an asshole.

Jazz stares blankly at me before repeating his original question.

I just nod this time.

"Edward," he says, clapping his hand on my shoulder and lookin' me right in the eye. It's a struggle to hold his gaze. "You're missing blocks, dropping the ball, and yellin' at Coach. What's up?"

"I'm fine," I mutter, moving away to get in my truck. "Last night was just a long one," I say, lying through my teeth.

He shakes his head, smiling ruefully.

"Let's get you a burger," he says, climbing in to the truck with me. I want to beg off, but he's my best friend. I can't figure out how to say no. "You'll do your thing tomorrow. I trust you."

Aw, fuck.

* * *

><p>The rest of the week sucks almost as much as Monday. Somehow I manage to play like normal, but football is the one improvement.<p>

On Thursday, Bella catches me charming a rally girl into writing a history paper for me. I have to grovel on the phone with her for an hour before she begrudgingly pardons me. I don't know what pisses her off more – that the poor rally girl wants in my pants or the fact that I'm too lazy to do my schoolwork. She forbids me from climbin' in through her window, claiming to have to be at school early to start preparations for next week's pep rally.

By Friday, I pretty convinced I'm gonna die. I haven't been inside Bella for five days or really seen her outside school where we have to constantly keep our guard up. She's busy with all the shit she committed too. I'm busy with football, work, and drinkin'.

Needless to say, by lunch time on Friday, I'm feeling pissed as fuck. I glare at anyone who approaches, mostly females askin' if I have plans for tonight, as I make my way to my truck. I don't want to see nobody, but Jazz stops me just as I reach the parking lot.

"So where are we goin' for lunch?" Jazz asks, falling in to step beside me. I stop, noticing Bella exit the school and walking towards her car, alone for fuckin' once in her life.

"You're on your own today, Jazz," I tell him, wanting to escape and see my girl alone for just one fucking minute.

"Dude, why?" he whines. News of Bella and Jasper's break up has yet to really hit the masses. This irritates me, but it's mostly because of Jasper's unwillingness to accept that it's over and Bella's unwillingness to hurt Jasper further with some sort of general break-up announcement. Even so, they are obviously avoiding each other and there are whispers, so Jazz is lying low. Just hanging out with me rather than the whole damn team.

"I promised I'd eat with Bella," I lie. Bella is alone, moving towards her car, and I can't be away from her any longer.

Fuck, Jazz just looks so damn hurt. Goddamn, I hate this.

"Oh, okay," he says, nodding and giving me a tight smile. "I'll see you at practice."

I'm such an asshole, and for one moment I think about going after him to either confess all my sins or just tell him he's my best friend, but I don't. Instead I speed across the parking lot, jumping in the passenger's side of Bella's car as she waits in the line to get out of the parking lot.

"Edward!" she shouts, throwin' her hand over her chest and jumpin' in her seat. "What in the world—"

"Let's go to my place," I say as she continues to gape at me.

"But, I have a meeting after school, and I need to pick up—"

"Please," I say, practically groaning. "Please, Bella. It's been a rough week."

She looks at me for a long moment before taking my hand and pulling it into her lap. Nodding once, she turns towards my house. I let out a large sigh of relief.

We don't talk on the short trip to my house. We don't say anything as we get out and make our way to the front door. I grab her hand, draggin' her along in my rush to get her inside. Her tight grip makes me think she's missed me as much as I've missed her.

There are still no words spoken as I pull her into my arms and kiss her, lettin' out all the crap that's been building – the need, the guilt, the love, the fuckin' frustration. She squeaks a little, surprised by my sudden attack, but then moans and pushes her hands into my hair.

We stumble against a wall. I brace us with my hands on either side of her head.

Bella's hands find my belt buckle. I let out a low groan and rest my forehead against hers, watching her as she frees me with shaking hands. Letting my pants fall to my ankles, I try to slow down.

I want to savor her, but it's been a long fuckin' week.

She continues to pump me and slow gets more difficult. I kiss her neck; touch her tits the way I know she likes.

"I need you," she whispers and slow gets impossible.

I'm not sure how exactly I get her out of her panties and pressed up against the wall with her legs tightly gripping my waist. We are frantic until I finally get inside her and then I pause, needing a moment to adjust. Everything I feel for her is so amplified when we're together like this, I just… need a moment.

But she gets frustrated, her nails diggin' into my back in a silent demand for me to move.

So I do.

It takes us a minute to find the right rhythm – I can tell by the furrow of her brow she's never done it like this before but I have. I press her more firmly against the wall, finding the right leverage to make her body sing.

And then I can tell she likes it, a lot. She rolls. I push. She groans. I whimper, and I'm not even embarrassed about it.

Not really.

I taste the skin of her neck, scrapping my teeth against her collarbone and causing her to cry out. She puts her hands back in my hair and pulls my mouth up to hers. Her kisses are sloppy from our labored breathing, and I smile against her lips because I love her so much. I need her so much.

I think I tell her all that, but I'm not really sure. Mostly, I just babble about what she makes me feel as she cries out and I come. Hard.

I'm also not sure how we end up tangled together on the floor. She cradles my head against her chest, and I think about touching her but can't seem to find the strength to do anything but breathe.

And think.

Unfortunately my brain is goin' a thousand miles a minute.

I should be thinkin' about the girl I love and what we just did and bein' all blissed out.

Instead, I can't get Jazz out of my head.

Which is just super fucked up.

Jazz looked so damn defeated when I skipped out on him in favor for Bella. Every conversation we have – even about safe stuff like football – chips away at me. Because I'm hiding Bella, every word I say to him is a lie.

"I don't think I can do this anymore," I murmur. Bella tenses beneath me, sitting up and disturbing my head. I realize how that sounded and back petal. "Bella, no, _that's _not what I meant."

"Good grief, my heart," she says, shaking her head and scowling at me as she moves to sit up fully. "You scared me."

"I'm sorry," I sitting up against wall next to her. I wiggle back into my pants. "I love you."

"I love you, too," she says, sounding frustrated. "Now what exactly can't you do anymore?"

"I don't feel right lyin' to Jazz," I confess, finally recognizing the crux of what's been botherin' me all damn week. Every time I see my friend I feel sick. He's hurtin' and it's my fault. He wants my help gettin' her back, and I can't because I love her, too.

"I still haven't talked to him," Bella says, looking guilty.

"I thought you were gonna do that. Sit him down and make it clear." It makes me angry and jealous that she hasn't crushed his hope, and I feel like a totally dick for wanting pain upon my best friend.

"I don't know what to say!" she snaps, just as frustrated as I am. We've gotten ourselves into a right fix. "I've tried explaining how I've changed, how I realized that I don't want what I used to want. You are a huge part of that and it's hard to leave you out!"

Bella blushes and looks away.

"Maybe," I say with great caution, "you shouldn't leave me out of it."

"What?" she snaps, whippin' her head around to gape at me.

"Look," I say, moving to sit right in front of her so her has no choice but to look at me. "The reason we're lyin' is to protect Jazz, right?"

Still scowling, Bella gives me one sharp nod.

"The way I see it, he's gonna find out eventually. How could he not? I see us bein' together for a good long while and that means he's gonna know! You can't keep a secret in Dillon, Isabella, and when he does find out, he's gonna ask how long, and we can only lie so much. Knowin' that we lied to him for so long is only gonna make it worse."

After my little speech, Bella just blinks at me. I run my hands through my hair 'cause I'm not very chatty and that was a lot of words in one go for me.

"You're crazy!" Bella shouts before abruptly standing and stomping off to the bathroom. I sigh as I watch her go before attempting to clean myself up a little.

She emerges five minutes later.

"We're gonna be late for sixth period," she mutters before movin' to my truck.

The ride to school is as silent as the one from school, but the tension is no longer the good kind.

* * *

><p>I want nothin' more than to drink myself to sleep when I trudge up my front steps from football practice later that night.<p>

It went long. It always goes long. I don't know why they don't just plan on it goin' long.

I pause at the front door when I hear movement inside. Fuck, I really just wanted some alone time with a six pack but people are here. At least two.

Grumblin' to myself, I step inside. It smells damn good, so that's a positive.

I shouldn't be surprised to see Bella at the stove, but I am. She is cookin' something amazing no doubt, chatting with Rosalie who sits on a stool at the counter. They are playin' some pop sounding music and Bella sways.

Rose turns when she sees me, nodding in greeting.

I want to wrap my arms around Bella's waist, sway in time with her, and kiss her neck, but I don't.

The last time we talked she called me crazy. I'm not totally sure where we stand.

I don't move from the door until Bella notices Rose's silence and turns. She smiles a little smile. I return it, and I know everything is goin' to work out somehow.

"I wanted to have dinner on the table when you got home," she says, frowning slightly now. "Rose is distracting me. I'm behind."

I think Bella is the only one to ever cook me a proper dinner in my whole life. Just the fact that she's here after our little spat is such a damn relief.

Bella pulls away from the stove – I fist pump internally when I see she's making fried chicken – and grabs a beer. She hands it to me and kisses my cheek before returning to dinner.

I blink, surprised by this little peace offering.

I dump my crap off in my room, emerging in time to see everyone gathered around the coffee table in the living room. Bella even did place settings. She sees me loitering in the hall, smiles shyly, and pats the couch next to her, a clear indication that she wants me over there.

I do as she asks.

Bella wraps her arms around my shoulders, kissing me quickly. Everything seems okay, but I still can't relax. Despite our nooner, I've been stressed all damn afternoon.

"You're a good man, Edward Cullen," Bella whispers in my ear.

She pulls away to dish everyone out and smack Emmett's hands away from the serving bowl, leaving me shocked and reeling.

Have I lied to her somehow? Did I trick her? How could she possibly think something like that? I'm many things, but good is definitely not one of them.

I just stare at my plate, puzzlin' this out in my head.

The three of them are havin' a good old time. They are joking and eating and enjoying each other. I wonder if this is what family dinner feels like?

"Eat," Bella says quietly as Emmett and Rose do that bickerin' thing they do. She bumps me gently with her shoulder and nods towards my untouched plate. "It's not like you to turn down a meal."

I do as she says.

After dinner, Emmett, in a fit of unprecedented gallantry, insists on doing the dishes. Rose helps. Bella and I lounge on the couch. She drinks red wine and sits with her feet in my lap. I drink beer and enjoy the feel of her bare calves under my hand.

"You're right about Jazz," she says with a sigh, letting her head fall to my shoulder. I look down at her as she stares at me with big, sad eyes. I nod and finish off my beer. "You're brave."

"I am?" So many first tonight. First time I tricked Bella. First family dinner. First time anyone called me brave.

"Yeah. It'd be so much easier to do nothing, but you're right. It's just a matter of when we hurt him, and the longer we wait the worse it'll be," she continues, placing her hand on my chest. I cover it with my own, as I always do. It's really a habit at this point.

I don't say nothing. I've said it all.

Bella kisses me languidly, makin' my heart race as it always does.

"Next week," she says, keepin' her eyes closed and layin' her forehead against mine. "After the first game, when things calm down a little. Okay?"

"Okay."

* * *

><p>"So what're you're pre-game rituals?" Bella asks as she folds my laundry. My eyes follow her practiced movements as she sits at my desk and stacks my t-shirts. We have a few hours before we both have to be back at Hermann Field – me to play, her to cheer – and she is doin' my laundry.<p>

Girl's an angel. A total neat freak, but an angel none the less.

"I'm surprised at you, Swan," I tease, grinnin' at her from where I sit on my bed, guitar in my lap. I've been fuckin' around on it, too distracted by Bella to really play anything for real. "Doesn't that question offend your football-hatin' sensibilities?"

"I want you to do well," she insists, actually folding my underpants. I roll my eyes at this, somewhere between embarrassed and pleased that she seems to like takin' care of me so much. My mom didn't even wash my clothes when I was still a little kid. "If that means partaking in some sort of weird, meditation ritual or putting up with you wearing unwashed socks, than so be it. This is the first game of the season, and it's kinda a big deal."

I laugh, but in the back of my head I wonder what she's done in the past with Jasper before the game. I don't like thinking about her and Jazz, especially given what we are plannin' to do this weekend.

"Personally, I like to relax," I tell her, absently strummin' out a few chords. "Do you want to know what's good before the big game?"

"Yes," she says, nodding enthusiastically.

"Gettin' laid," I drawl, smirking at her. "A lot."

I expect her to huff and glower at my lewdness, but instead she laughs and returns my smirk.

"Check," she says, drawing an imaginary mark with her finger in the air.

Oh, someone's feelin' sassy today. I love me some sassy Bella.

"Damn, Bella," I say, shakin' my head at her. "You are just so damn cute. Cutest thing I've ever seen."

"You know how I feel about bein' called 'cute.'" Bella abandons a pair of athletic shorts in her lap mid-fold in favor of crossing her arms over her chest to scowl at me proper.

"Well," I reply. "You'll just have to get used to it because I don't see the need to hide how much your adorableness appeals to me."

"For someone with such a tough guy reputation, you sure are a big sweetie," she states with a shrug, goin' back to her folding.

"_Sweetie_?" I pull back, my fingers causin' an unpleasant dissonance on the strings.

"If you get to call me cute, I get to call you sweet," she replies, beaming at me.

"Have I recently told you that I love you?" I ask her.

"Not today, no," she replies.

"Well I do," I tell her.

"Do what?"

"Don't you _what_ me. You know _what_."

"Love you too, baby," she says, gettin' up from my desk chair. With the basket of my clean and folded clothes held against her hip, she detours to the bed to kiss me quickly before moving to my dresser.

"You don't have to do that," I tell her, now more embarrassed than pleased.

"I don't mind," she says, opening drawers that she reorganized last summer.

"It's weird," I whine.

"It is not," she replies. "I like things neat. You don't. Your room bugs me. I clean it. It's that simple, Edward. Plus, you don't clean your clothes nearly enough."

"Are you tryin' to tell me I smell, Swan?" I demand, now more offended than embarrassed. "You know they launder all our football stuff so there are no sweaty sports clothes in this room."

"They do your laundry?" Bella asks, turning to stare at me incredulously now that's she's completed her task. "Jeeze, I swear the Panthers are the richest high school football team in the history of the world."

"You can thank your father for that," I remind her. "And how can you think that's weird and not see how weird you cleanin' around here is?"

Bella rolls her eyes and shakes her head at me.

"You're too damn beautiful for your own good," I tell her, pleased when she smiles.

"And you smell great. I love your smell. But I like to take care of stuff like this," she says. "Please let me?"

Please. I can't say no when she throws the please at me. No way. I want to ask her why it's so important, but I don't know if I really want the answer, so I just nod at her.

"Good." She turns back to the dresser and putters around for a bit while I go back to my guitar. It's awhile before she says anything again, and when she does, she has me wishin' I just did my own laundry in a time Bella would find acceptable.

"Edward?" she says, facing me again as she studies a stack of papers in her hand. "What's this?"

It takes me a minute to realize what she's stumbled upon, and by then, it's too late to pry them out of her hands.

She's gonna have a thousand questions.

She always has a thousand questions.

I just shrug, tryin' to indicate that I don't want to talk about it.

"Edward," she repeats in that same slow, careful tone. "I recognize these letters."

I wince because I know where she's seen letters like that before. Jasper hung his up on his fuckin' fridge.

"It's no big deal, Bella," I say with a sigh, once again disregardin' my guitar so I can be free to run my fingers through my hair.

She sputters in indignation for a minute at this response before once again collecting herself.

"Edward." I'm really growin' to hate the ways she sayin' my name right now. "This is a very big deal. Have you thought about your future at all?"

I just gape at her in horror. Does she not know me at all? There's no point in lookin' to the future. Life is too chaotic, too unpredictable. Lookin' to the future means wanting shit which ultimately only leads to disappointment.

"Right, who do I think I'm talking too," she mutters, seemingly to herself. She rushes over to sit next to me. "Edward, colleges are interested in you. Lots of colleges."

She shuffles through the letters, reading off the names of schools.

"Bella, do you have any idea how many letters of interest big football schools send out? Hundreds, maybe thousands. They don't mean anything," I tell her, tryin' not to lose my patience.

She rolls up the papers and smacks me in the forehead. I blink at her in surprise.

"I'm not some rally girl with air floatin' around between my ears," she snaps. "I know a little somethin' about how the world works, and this means something. Even you know it means something. Why else would you keep the letters? Do you know how many high school ballers won't get a single letter like this? Edward, you have at least fifteen. Don't you be tellin' me it's not a big deal."

Again, I can't do anything but blink at her. She's gone from sassy to scary and frankly, I'm a little alarmed.

"Edward, it'll take some work on your part, but you could go to college," she says, her tone soft again.

"Cullens don't go to college," I tell her, lookin' away and wishing we were having just about any conversation but this one. "Really, Bella. What college would have me?"

She hits me with the letters again.

"All. These. Colleges. You. Moron."

She punctuates her words with whacks until I finally take her paper weapon away.

"There is absolutely no reason you can't go to college," she says.

"The only subject I've ever gotten an A in is PE," I point out.

"So what? I saw your test scores. You are basically a genius. A lazy genius."

I attempt to argue again, but she covers my mouth with her hand.

"You are smart, Edward Cullen. So smart I can't even believe I have to prove to you how smart you really are." I narrow my eyes at her because that didn't totally make sense. "You are good with numbers. I know you basically take care of all the accounting for the garage because your brother is hopeless. You've taught yourself to play at least two instruments that I know about. You do decent at school because you can rock a test with no effort and don't even have to do the rest of the work to pass. You are smart, and I find it highly irritating when you put my boyfriend down, so please be a little nicer to yourself."

I smile and she releases my mouth.

"Boyfriend, huh?"

"That is all you have to say?" she bellows.

I shrug in response, blown away that she has such a skewed vision of me. Usually, I think Bella knows me better than anyone, but in moments like this, I feel like I've tricked her somehow.

"Don't you want to at least try?" she whispers.

I don't say anything because I've honestly never thought about it. I've never let myself want anything that big.

With the exception of the girl currently badgering me.

Bella sighs but then shuffles closer to me, pushing my hair off my forehead.

"I want the best possible future for you," she murmurs, continuing to touch my face. "And I don't think that means stayin' in Dillon for the rest of your life because you're scared to aim high."

I huff at this and want to argue but don't really know what to say, so I just shut my mouth like an idiot.

"Maybe you haven't thought about our future, but I have. In a year I'll be gone." There is a little stab of pain in my belly because this is another thing I haven't let myself think about. My time with Bella has an expiration date, as much as I don't want it too. "There is some overlap," she continues. "Between schools that are interested in you and places I've thought about. We could do it together, Edward."

I want to ask her how this is any different from her former plans with Jasper. I can't just fill that spot in the future she once dreamed of. But I don't say anything.

"Just think about it, okay?" she says, kissing me.

I let out a big breath, relieved that the worst of it seems to be over. When I kiss her again, it's just a little bit desperate. I pull her into my lap, my hands immediately finding their way under her shirt.

"Damn," she says breathlessly. "I guess now that I've got you all tense, it's also my job to relax you. Gettin' laid is good for your game, don't you know?"

I smile as I get her out of her clothes and between her legs, tellin' myself to enjoy this while it lasts.

Bella is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I know from experience that nothin' good lasts.

* * *

><p>"Gentlemen, there has been a lot of talk about expectation lately. People are expecting quite a bit. I see us winning tonight, but that's not what I'm expecting. I expect you boys to take this serious because they're gonna come at you with everything they've got. I expect you to play football."<p>

Now I'm not too good with expectations, but that last part I can do. Coach is a charismatic dude, and with his words, there is a shift in the energy in the locker room right before we go out.

I can feel us go from nervous energy to the good kind of tension – we get pumped the fuck up.

He asks us to forget that we're the number one team in Texas, forget that the hopes of the whole town rest with us, and just play some fucking football.

So that's what all do.

"Clear eyes, full hearts," Coach says.

"Can't lose!" we shout in response.

We run out, and I don't think about anything. Not Bella cheerin' away on the sidelines. Not the very painful conversation I'm going to have with my quarterback. I feel good, alive. For the first time since Jazz got home, my head is in the game.

All the way.

The brightness of the lights and the mass of screaming fans don't even faze me anymore. Everything closes in Dillon on a Friday night during football season because everyone is here at Herman Field.

Things with Westerby are rough. We score right out of the gate on our first possession, but so do they. They hit big but I don't mind. I hit bigger. The defense struggles, and despite Jazz's leadership, Newton's quick feet, and me in the backfield, we're tied at the half.

I'm bleeding, but I don't recall how. Coaches yell and motivate while I just sit there gettin' patched up. I channel my rage.

"Where seein' a lot of Texas defense out there, Coach," Jazz says with his typical eerie calm.

"Texas defense?"

"Corners are jamming, their stayin' out there on the flats. It's crazy, I can't even see them." Jazz gets technical. The details help him. He needs to think through every little thing, fast, where as emotions drives me.

The field is the one place it's appropriate to get angry, the one place I'm not uncomfortable feelin' something.

Defense gets riled, determined to get Jazz more time.

Unfortunately, in the second half, we're still sloppy. No one expected Westerby to give us any fuckin' trouble at all. Newton can't get anywhere. No one can get open. The blitz fucks with us all.

"This is our field," yells Jazz in the huddle. "They do _not_ push us around. Run your routes. Have faith in your routes. The ball will be there every time."

I bounce in place, ready for the next play. Ready to hurt someone.

Jazz throws an interception, and I'm too far away to do anything about it but that doesn't stop me from runnin'. Jazz is the only one anywhere near the fucker with the ball, and I grin for a moment when Jasper lays in to the Westerby player, hard, causin' a fumble.

We recover, and for one glorious moment, it seems Jazz has done the impossible. He's shifted the momentum back to us. He's once again the savior of the game.

But then he doesn't get up.

* * *

><p><strong>Lots happening in this one. Sorry for the cliffie. It's finals time for me next week but plot bunnies always strike when I'm busy so I might just have the next one up before that.<strong>

**A little encouragement might make me write faster. Just sayin'.**


	13. All Fall Down

**I don't know what's wrong with me, writing all this when I should be studying. Now I'm not going to be able to sleep till wednesday when finals are over (yes, lebells1, they are end of the semester exams and they are rough!).**

**Anyway. This one is pretty angsty. And long. Long and ****angsty.**

**It gets better. I promise.**

**Thank you for your reviews and reading. I love you.**

**And thanks to Stratan for making sure I don't sound like an idiot. Well, a complete idiot.**

**Neither Twilight nor Friday Night Lights belong to me. If they did I probably wouldn't be stressin' about school right now.**

**Enough of my whining.**

* * *

><p>Friday<p>

I don't remember how I get to the hospital, or more specifically how, I come to be standing in this brightly lit hallway.

It's near Jasper. I think. It's near where they took Jasper, so here I stand.

My hands can't stop shaking, and I'm crying. It's like my body understands but my mind hasn't quite caught up.

I must look ridiculous, standing by myself in this hallway. I'm still clutching my pompoms.

My chest wracks with uncontrollable sobs as I once again remember that moment. He just couldn't get up. I've never prayed so hard in my life as Rosalie wrapped her arms around my shoulders, her tears silent while mine were hysterical.

They took him away in an ambulance, and he still didn't move.

Edward looked at me from across the field, appearing just as sick as me as nausea rolled in my stomach. The look on his face told me that it's bad. Really bad.

I think the Whitlock's took me to the hospital. They still don't know we broke up. No one does, really. It doesn't seem so important in this moment.

A saw sounds from somewhere down the hall. I can't imagine what they could possibly be sawing off, and then I remember he was in his football helmet. He has a head injury. A spine injury. I'm not sure of the details, but not long after, they take him into surgery.

I slide down the wall, sitting in a heap.

Jasper could die. Jasper could lose everything. Not knowing sounds better, but somehow it isn't. I don't know if I've ever been this scared in my whole life.

In the moment, you think there is nothing worse then the waiting.

"Bella." I turn to see Alice Masen, crouched down next to me, hand on my shoulder.

"Hi," I squeak out through my tears.

Even Alice Masen – outsider, football hater – has tears in her eyes. Even she knows the gravity of what's happened.

"Is…is Edward here?" I ask quietly.

"I don't know," she murmurs. "The waiting room is full. Everyone came over after the game. I'm sure he's down there."

I nod, wishing Edward was here even though what felt so right only hours ago feels horribly, terribly wrong now.

Alice wraps her arms around me and I collapse into her chest. It's good, to share my pain with someone, even if it's this strange girl that I don't know too well.

After a while, I realize that we won't hear any news of his recovery in this abandoned hallway. Alice walks me down to the waiting room, moving immediately to sit with her dad who's still wearing his whistle around his neck.

It seems the entire town of Dillon is here, waiting like me. Girls I recognize from school but don't actually know cry. Parents do, too. I wonder if they understand that this is a tragedy for Jasper or if all they can think about is how this will effect the season.

It makes me angry. They don't even know Jazz.

This pain feels proprietary, even though I've got no more rights over the quarterback than the rest of Dillon. But at least my fear is genuinely for Jazz.

Edward's is too. It's obvious from the way he sits, hunched over with his elbows on his knees and his fingers in his hair, that he's hurting. He rocks back in forth as if he's going to lose it at any moment. I want to go to him, take his hand, give and receive comfort.

But I don't. That all feels wrong now that Jasper might not walk.

The tears start anew and I pray again, holding on to the hope, the determination that he's going to live out all those big dreams.

People only start to go home after the Mrs. Whitlock comes in to announce that Jazz is out of surgery. It went well, he's sleeping, and they won't really know the extent of the damage until he wakes up and that probably won't be for hours.

Edward gets up and leaves the moment the update is over. He doesn't even look at me but Mrs. W does. I hug her, but let myself be pulled away by my own parents before she can ask me if I'm gonna stay.

Part of me wants to be here for Jazz and his parents, but I can't. It just doesn't feel right.

Nothing feels right anymore.

Including the prospect of Edward sneaking in my window. When I get home, I actually lock it for the first time in years. But then I unlock it and then relock it again.

It doesn't matter. Edward doesn't show. I know because I don't sleep all night.

* * *

><p>Saturday<p>

I bring Jasper flowers.

It seems silly given how he is and how many flowers he's given me over the years, but it seems like the thing to do. It makes me feel like I can do something. Everything is still so surreal, and I can't be there for him in the way he wants me to be, so I bring him flowers.

Feeling like a complete moron, I walk down the white hall to his recovery room. His mom called this morning. He's awake.

"Hi, Bella." Coach Masen is just leaving his room as I approach it.

"Hi," I manage. Coach's expression is so forlorn that it makes me not want to go into the room. It would be so much easier to just not go in, to pretend everything is all right.

"He's up," Coach continues.

I just nod, biting my lip and glancing towards the door.

"How are you?" he continues.

"How are any of us?" I say, frustrated with myself that I start crying again. I promised myself I wouldn't do this, that I would be strong and positive for Jazz, but it's so damn hard.

We may not be together anymore, but I still care about him. A lot.

Coach pats my shoulder before he walks away, understanding that I'm on the verge of completely losing it and can't really handle any more talking.

It takes me at least twenty seconds of mental preparation before I can get my feet to move in to Jasper's room.

The first thing I notice is the flowers. They cover every available surface – including the floor space – making the room appear more florist than hospital. The measly bouquet I clutch nervously in my hands seems even more stupid now, and I think about hiding them somewhere.

But then I see Jazz, and it's painfully clear we're in a hospital.

He sits stiffly up in bed with his eyes closed, giant back and neck brace keeping him propped in what appears to be an uncomfortable position. Monitors beep quietly at his side, IVs are connected to his arm, and one of those oxygen things is in his nose.

He looks smaller somehow, and the whole thing just breaks my heart.

I bite my lip with more pressure than necessary to hold back my sob, but I think Jazz hears me anyway because he opens his eyes. He focuses on me immediately, standing there amongst the unnecessarily huge wreaths and get well soon bouquets.

"Hey, babe," he whispers, giving me a sad little smile. His lips move but the rest of him is eerily still. My stomach drops as I think the worst but I plaster a big bright smile on my face, trying to project the best. I will have hope, I will be positive for Jasper.

"Hi." My voice is raspy and not quite as strong as I want it to be.

"Come 'ere." I shuffle towards him, feeling so scared and guilty and unsure because somehow seeing him like this makes what I've done with his best friend that much worse.

God, he's so vulnerable.

Again, he gives me a tight smile, moving his eyes towards the bed at his side several times before I get that he wants me to sit next to him. I think one tear escapes when I realize he uses his eyes because he can't move anything else.

Putting my stupid flowers in a vase with some other stupid flowers, I sit next to him.

"Don't cry," he murmurs, voice slurring slightly. From the look of the monitors and tubes, they have him on all sorts of drugs.

Good. I don't want him to feel any pain.

"I'm not," I reply, blinking rapidly and giving him another bright smile.

"Liar."

I feel the pain his all too true description sharply in my chest, and it gets harder than I ever thought possible to keep it together.

My eyes take in every little detail of his whole situation – the brace, the tubes, the way his face has seemed to age years since yesterday. I feel older too.

"I know," he says with a grimace. "It's bad."

There is so much pain in those four words that I grab his hand in a poor attempt to provide a little comfort.

"I can feel that," he tells me as I feel his fingers curve slightly in my hand. "They go on about that, like it's something."

Somehow, his defeat makes me that more determined to have hope, to be positive.

"It is something," I insist, pleased that the strength formerly absent from my voice is there. "Jazz, you gotta stay positive. You don't know anything for sure and they got that specialist flyin' up from Huston. Everything will be okay."

He just closes his eyes and sighs. I can almost picture him shaking his head, if only he could move. I tell myself it's the brace, that's the only thing preventing his mobility.

Somewhere in the back of my head, I recognized that I'm lying to us both, but I refuse to acknowledge even the possibility that Jazz won't get better.

He has to get better.

He will get better.

"Thank you," he says, opening his eyes again.

"What for?" I ask, totally confused and thrown by this statement.

"For… for bein' here," he says, sounding so emotional that my heart breaks a little.

I sniff, once again tryin' to hold back my tears as I shake my head at him.

"Please don't to that," he croaks out, sounding like he is about to cry too. "I don't want you to do that."

It takes me a few deep breaths, but I finally manage to stop the tears. I think I'll do almost anything he says to make this easier.

"No crying," I reply. "I promise."

"Have you seen Ed?" he asks.

Again, that guilt is so intense its almost dizzying.

"No," I murmur, absently pulling his thin blanket up a little higher even as I still hold his mostly limp hand. "I called him earlier, but no answer."

"How worried should I be?" he asks, his eyes fluttering closed. Mrs. Whitlock told me to expect his sleepiness, so it doesn't worry me.

"Aw, you know Edward," I say, glad he doesn't see my grimace. "He deals in his own way. I'll track him down. Don't you worry about anything."

"Yeah, tell him I want to see him. He needs to give me the play by play of the three minutes I missed," he slurs. I shake my head, amazed that he's talkin' football at a time like this.

"Okay," I say.

"Come and see me tomorrow?" he asks quietly, almost asleep now. "I know this don't change nothin' but… please, babe, just stop by."

"Okay."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

I think about Jazz's words as I walk to my car. He's only half right. His accident won't change him and me back to what we were, but it seems to have changed everything for Edward and me.

* * *

><p>Sunday<p>

Edward doesn't take me to church.

Instead, I go with my parents back to that place I swore I would never again go. The whole service is very Jazz centered, hopeful and inspiring. It helps me strengthen my resolve to get Jazz through this. He will get better and play college ball and then be the number on draft pick for the pros.

He has to. He just…has to.

After church, I visit Jazz. He only mumbles at me for a few minutes before falling back asleep, and in that short time he manages to ask for Edward. Twice.

So, being as I will do everything in my power to get Jazz better and seeing Edward will make him better, I go to find the best friend.

He isn't at home or at the bar or the strip club (thank God). Emmett and Rose haven't seen him since the waiting room and don't know if he even came home the last couple nights. Now really worried, I wrack my brain, tryin' to think of places he might go to grieve.

I try his own personal golf course next, feeling so unbelievably relieved when I see his truck at the bottom of the hill. After parking next to him, I take in the state of the vehicle. The blankets and assorted junk food wrappers indicate that he's been here for a while, maybe even since he left the hospital at three o'clock in the morning the other night.

It is only when I reach the top of the hill and see him, golf club in hand, that I realize that I have no idea what to say.

I notice all the beer cans and the way he sways, and suddenly, I'm irrationally angry. Everything is so unfair – what happened to Jazz, what it's doing to Edward and me – and it makes me so angry. I can't be angry around Jasper but I can now.

"You haven't been to see him," I snap, my tone accusatory and harsh. Edward tenses at my words but doesn't turn around until after he smacks the empty beer can into the field below.

His eyes are dark and empty, and do nothing to alleviate my anger.

"Why haven't you been to see him?" I demand, stomping on over to him and getting in his face. "What the hell kind of best friend are you? He's asking to see you."

Edward snorts, shakes his head, and steps around me, moving to grab another beer from the nearby cooler.

"Not a very good one," he replies, sounding just as angry as I am. "If you and I count for anything."

His words hurt and I just get angrier.

"And your phone," I ask as we square off. With hands on my hips, I scowl at him while he just sways, swigs, and scowls back. "This terrible thing happened and you just disappeared! Who does that?"

"No service out here," he says dismissively.

I just let out a frustrated growl, burying my face in my hands and sobbing with my whole body. And suddenly Edward's arms are around me and I'm crying into his neck, my hands fisting into his soft plaid shirt. He cradles my head, kisses my temple, and rocks me back and forth.

"I don't know what this means for us," I admit softly. It's something that's been haunting me since Friday. Our plans to tell Jazz are so obviously off, I don't even think about it. But somehow I just know that Edward and I can't be until Jazz makes a full recovery. He just has to.

Edward wraps his hands around my shoulders, gently but firmly pushing me away from him. I take a step back, having a hard time looking him in the eye because I feel like such a coward.

"What the fuck does that even mean?" he demands, crushing his beer can in his grip at his side.

I just shake my head because his question is forcing me to think of the worst possible scenario. What I'm not willing to say is that Jasper may be hurt worse than he's ever been before, and if he doesn't get better, we can't hurt him more by being together.

"So he gets hurt and you go rushing back to him?" he demands when I don't answer, yelling now. "Is that what you mean, Bella?"

I shake my head rapidly because I could never get back together with Jazz, knowing what I know about how it feels to be with Edward.

"That's not it, but he needs us, Edward. We can't be together and help him get better at the same time," I say, struggling to articulate what I'm feeling, but its difficult seeing as I don't really know what it is I am feeling. "It just won't work. Maybe when he's back on the football field—"

"Back on the football field?" he yells, yanking on his hair. "What kind of fantasy world are you livin' in? Did you even see that hit? Fuck football. He's never gonna fucking walk again!'

"How can you say that?" I scream back, crying now. Edward is threatening my hope. I have to stay positive. Jazz has to get better. "How can you even think that?"

"Because it's the truth!" Edward yells back, getting in my face. "Just like what you feel for me, that's the truth too. And you can't just run away from it!"

"I'm not the one who's running," I argue. By this point we are in a full blown screaming match. I don't think I've yelled at anyone the way I yell at Edward. We Swans don't yell or fight, we stay silent and avoid. "You haven't been to see him once! That sure looks like running to me."

His face twists into a grimace as he turns away, goin' back to his beloved cooler.

"Oh that's just great," I continue, not done yet. Now that I'm fightin' I seem to be throwing myself totally in to it. "Just drink your worries away as usual."

He turns, smirking at me as he very deliberately pops and chugs a can, leaving me seething. I pick up a discarded, empty can by my feet and hurl it at him. It misses by a mile and he has the gall to laugh at me, sharp and bitter.

I have an almost overwhelming urge to just collapse in a heap and let myself cry, but I don't. This Edward does not make me feel safe in my vulnerability. Right now, nothing is as it should be. Edward included. This knowledge has all of the anger leaving me.

"Please," I beg. I don't mind begging if it's for Jazz. "Just go see him okay?"

He shrugs his shoulders, and I leave without saying anything else.

* * *

><p>Monday<p>

"Are you sure you want me to keep visiting you everyday like this?" I ask, gathering my courage. I don't want Jazz to get the wrong idea about him and me. There is no future with the two of us together, but that doesn't mean I won't support him in his time of need.

Whether that means me actually being here or staying far, far away.

"Of course," he says, looking at me like I'm crazy.

He isn't making this conversation easy on me, but even before he got hurt it wouldn't have been easy. I study the football propped up on a tee on the table beside his bed. It looks like the whole team signed, even Edward. I recognize his messy scrawl from here.

"Jasper," I say with a sigh as he reaches to take my hand. I search my brain for the gentlest way to say what I need to say. "I know everything is scary and complicated right now, and I want to be there for you, but I'm not sure how, really. I don't know what's best. Maybe it would be easier on you if I didn't show up at all. I know you've got lots on your mind and your love life is probably the last thing on your thinking about, but I don't want to give you the wrong idea."

I feel so stupid, but I can't keep comin' in here, ignoring the fact that he didn't really accept our break up as real before the accident.

"Bella, please don't worry about all that," he says with a heavy sigh. "It's for the best. Really, I get it."

"Okay," I say, not understanding this drastic change in attitude. "So you still want me here? Even though we're not together?"

"If you don't mind?" he says, sounding so unsure.

"Don't be ridiculous, Jazz."

"It's just, I don't want to be a burden to you. That's why I'm kinda glad, in a weird way, that you ended it before… I won't burden you now, and you won't feel the pressure to stay with me just cuz I'm crippled. You're too good to dump your useless, crippled boyfriend."

I stare at him in shock, horrified by his mindset.

"You are not a burden, Jazz," I scold, cradling his face between my hands and scowling down at him. For the first time I really see the fear in his eyes. He's been so shockingly brave in the last few days, but he has to be scared. I want to do anything for him to make this easier. "Don't ever let me here you talkin' like that again. You are not useless. You are Jasper Whitlock. You will overcome this. I don't believe for one second you're crippled either, so don't you say that word again."

We pray together before I go home. My words remind us to be thankful, but really, I've never prayed for anything like I pray for Jazz.

I pray for Edward, too, but I don't say any of that out loud.

"Hey, Bella?" Jazz says as I leave. "Can you tell Cullen I'd really like to see him? Ask him to stop by if he isn't too damn busy."

Guess I'm not the only one with Edward on the brain.

* * *

><p>Tuesday<p>

Edward skips most of his classes, so I don't get the chance to badger him in to going with me to the hospital. I don't get why he won't go see his best friend.

Regardless, it would have been nice to have a little support in what I hear when I get to the hospital.

Paralyzed from the waist down.

That's what the specialist from Houston tells us. The fracture to his spinal cord is at the C7-T1 junction – whatever that even means. Apparently Jasper is lucky to have the use of his hands.

I don't feel comfortable staying in the room for this conversation, but all three Whitlocks insist they want me here.

"Lucky?" Mr. Whitlock yells. "Lucky? You know you're talkin' about the number one high school football player in Texas?"

Jasper quiets his dad, insisting that the doctor tell him the truth, shoot straight about his legs.

The doctor says Jazz won't walk again.

"You…" he says, hesitating. "Nothing is impossible, but I don't see how you could play football again."

The Whitlocks and I flinch away as if his words as if they cause us physical pain. Jasper remains amazingly calm, even as it looks like Mr. Whitlock is going to get attack the specialist.

"Dad, please stop." At Jasper's words, Mr. Whitlock storms out of the room.

Jasper still remains calm as he asks questions – about his oh so useful hands with fingers he seems to have no control over at the moment. After physical therapy, he should be able to open and close his hands, to touch and to grab, to sit up on his own. He'll be able to lift and move his arms. To feed himself and awkwardly type on a computer and to run his fingers through his hair, maybe button his own shirt.

It all seems so simple. It seems so little to be hopeful for.

When I go home, I cry in my bed for at least two hours until I'm all dried up. Everything seems so foreign in this world where Jasper can't even walk, let alone play football.

And somehow, though I can't define it and logically it makes no sense, I feel responsible. Like I did this somehow. Like all the negative energy I pumped into the world with the lying and the cheating has culminated in this, further hurting Jasper. He really is the victim here, no matter how discontent I was with him. I made mistakes, and he just keeps paying the price over and over again.

And this is the ultimate.

How can I be happy when he has lost everything?

There has to still be hope though. Miracles happen.

I take to Google, manically searching for said miracles before I have to be back to school for all my extracurriculars. I've missed some classes but teachers in Dillon don't seem to mind.

* * *

><p>Football practice is cancelled and so is cheerleading. Coach Masen told the team about Jasper's prognosis and let them go home, knowing that nothing could get done when everyone is so heart broken for their leader. The sadness hangs thick around the field, and again, I hope they are thinking of Jazz and not their own stupid football season.<p>

I watch as the whole team files out, heads hanging, shoulders drooped.

Edward isn't among them and I get worried. Well, more worried. So I take out my phone and call him. There is no answer. I call him several times throughout the night – both before and after I actually go over to his house in an attempt to locate him. He isn't there either.

Picturing him drunk and in a ditch somewhere, I text him this time.

_Please, just let me know you're among the living. _

_I amung thee livein. _

His response does little to sooth my sorrows, but somehow I manage to fall into a light sleep.

* * *

><p>Wednesday<p>

The last thing I want to do after school is to go to cheerleading practice, but I suppose life goes on. There is another home game this week, and from the looks of it, the whole damn football team is having a hard time coping with everything that's happened.

Poor little Ben Cheney. As I go through the mechanical movements with the rest of the girls, bright smile plastered on my face, I watch as he struggles to fill Jasper's very large shoes.

But I'm really more focused on Edward.

The way he plays scares me. He is rough, reckless. Like he doesn't care about anything anymore. Every time he gets hit or makes a tackle, my whole body tenses with fear. It's amazing I'm able to fake it through the same old routines.

I mean really, the chances of Edward getting hurt like Jasper did are not great, but still. Football is a dangerous sport and everything seems scarier now. They all seem bigger, like they hit harder. It's difficult to watch Edward out there, but I do because not knowing is worse. We cheer away on the sidelines, practicing lifts and handstands and stupid chants that really aren't that clever or motivational.

And as practice goes on, the more worried I get.

They are too far away for me to really hear what they are saying, Mike Newton and Edward are very obviously screaming at each other on the field. Edward shoves Mike, and Mike shoves Edward back. And then Edward tackles Mike. There is punching as the rest of the team gathers around, yelling as the coaches pull them apart.

Coach Masen takes Edward aside, talking rapidly. I scowl, frustrated that I can't hear what's going on, but a second later he takes off his helmet and stalks right off the field.

Everyone stares because even the stupidest, sluttiest rally girl knows that you don't walk out on practice.

Ever.

* * *

><p>"Mom thinks I'm crazy, but I gotta see the game," Jazz says quietly. They started doing physical therapy with him earlier today and he's worn out. He tried to show me how he could pick up a pencil on the nightstand, but couldn't get it right. I smiled and was encouraging, but really I struggled not to cry.<p>

"It's going to be so strange," I murmur because it's difficult to imagine the Panthers without Jazz. "You're so missed."

I rub the sleep out of my eyes. Tonight Jazz and I watched a movie on my laptop, both of us falling asleep about ten minutes in. He woke me up a few minutes ago, and I should get home but I'm not really a big fan of that place these days, so I linger by Jazz.

"I guess," he mutters, scowling slightly. "I just… it's like I let everyone down."

"Jasper!" I yell, horrified. I lift my head from where it was resting on his bed to gape at him properly. "Why do you say stuff like that?"

It's moments like this when I realize that Jazz is a lot worse off than he lets on. Usually he does a pretty good job staying positive, chipper, and Jazz-like, but he lost everything in just one moment. He must be so angry, but I don't want him blaming himself or anything.

"Because it's how I feel," he says, eyes flickering shut. "Poor fucking Ben Cheney. He barely even made any throws in practice before. I mean, who needs a backup plan when you've got fucking Jasper Whitlock, football phenomenon! What a fucking joke. I don't even know how to be anything else but a fucking football star! I mean, who builds their whole identity around a goddamn sport? Really, who the fuck does something that stupid?"

"Don't talk like that," I say, not knowing what to do or how to deal with this angry version of Jasper. "Miracles happen. You could still get back on track. Like—"

I try to tell him about some of my miraculous research, but he cuts me off.

"I can't handle your fucking positive attitude right now!" he screams. I jump back in my seat, startled by this sudden outburst. "When are you gonna join the rest of us here in reality, Bella? When are you gonna get it through your head that I'm never gonna walk again."

It's basically what Edward said the other night. Still, I don't want to accept it.

"I'm just—"

Again, he doesn't even let me get out my apology before he starts yelling again. I think he probably would scream at anyone who happened to be here right in this moment, but it still hurts. I feel so damn guilty and just want to help him.

I can't even seem to figure out the best way to do that.

"Every night," he says, his voice low and mean, "I dream I can walk, and every morning I have to accept it all over again. My life as we knew it? Over! Football? Over! Us? We are so clearly over, just… get out."

"Jazz," I plead, trying to figure out how to apologize and how to help him.

"Get the hell out!"

His tone and expression is nothing like I've ever seen from him, and I know he's really serious. It seems in this moment that the best I can do is get out. There is really nothing I can do but turn around and walk out the door.

It's raining when I get out of the hospital, and the sharp drops on my face, kinda snap me out of my shock. Finally Jasper's words soak in to my brain, and I start shaking.

All I want to do is make this just a little bit easier on him, and I can't even manage to do that. I can't fix anything.

I won't come back until he tells me too.

It's pretty late went Jazz kicks me out. The rain stops as I head home.

There is no one on the road this late and I feel like the only person in the world. I like the smell of rain, so I roll down the window, trying to enjoy the breeze in my hair. Driving with the windows down makes me think of Edward.

I was really just trying to help. The last thing I wanted to do was upset Jasper like that.

I can't help Jazz. I can't help Edward. I can't help myself.

Someone's walking on the side of the road. As I get closer, I recognize the lopping gait, that typically confident strut that has become defeated in recent days. I'm more familiar with those broad shoulders and tapered waist than I am with my own clumsy body.

It seems like divine intervention when I realize that Edward is walking down the road right as I'm driving down it in the middle of the night. Even being this close to him is making me feel better, even though we may or may not have broken up a couple days ago.

I can't tell. That's never a good sign.

"Need a ride?" I call out as I pull up beside him.

He glances briefly over at me, scowl firmly in place. I don't understand why he keeps walking.

"Edward? What are you doing?"

"I'm walkin'!" he snaps, sounding angry. I really don't like how everyone is yelling at me tonight. It's getting old, being the punching bag. "What the fuck does it look like?"

It's amazing how quickly I go from relived to see him to enraged with just one sentence from him. Somehow I decide everything is all his fault. I pull in front of him, slamming on my breaks and putting my car in park before storming out to confront him.

Jasper yelled irrationally at me. I'm going to yell irrationally at Edward. Edward will probably not yell at anyone. He'll just drink himself silly like he always does.

Suddenly, all I can see are his flaws. His alcoholic tendencies and his propensity to under achieve. The way he hides how smart he is and doesn't let anyone to see him vulnerable. How he's fucked half the school.

How he isn't helping me navigate this at all.

"Edward!" I yell when he just continues to walk away from me.

"Isn't it passed your bedtime, Bella?" he yells back without even looking at me.

"What the hell does that even mean?" I call. "What, all of the sudden you're too cool to be seen with me? Is that it?"

I'm really not even sure where we're going with this. Stupid crap pours out of my mouth when I'm angry.

"I bet you're on your way home from the hospital," he says, turning towards me. Finally I catch up to him, getting right up in his face so he can't ignore me any more. "Another late night with Jazz? That's just fucking great."

Of course I was at the hospital. He should have been there with me.

"What, are you drunk again?" I accuse.

"Soon enough, Bella," he replies patronizingly. "Soon enough."

He tries to walk around me, but I push him back as hard as I can – not very hard – with my hands on his chest.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I demand, giving him another stove. "You can walk! You can walk to the damn fridge to get another beer if you want, and your best friend can't!"

It's around this point that I vaguely realizing that I'm crying but now I've started I just can't seem to stop. Somehow I convince myself that if Edward would just help me, if he would just show up then this wouldn't be so hard. Edward is making this impossible situation even harder and it enrages me.

"How do you not get it?" I continue with another shove, forcing Edward to bump into my car. "He's your best friend! It makes me sick how you won't go see him. Why won't you go see him? He's asking for you all the time! Why won't you help me?"

I'm hysterical at this point and Edward doesn't do anything but look down at me with furrowed brow and clenched jaw.

And somehow, I've firmly accept reality.

"He's never gonna walk again," I sob.

It's the first time I've really admitted this terrible truth to myself, and I shatter – for Jasper mostly but for me and Edward a little bit too. I half-heartedly try to smack at Edward chest again, but he stills my hands.

Edward doesn't say anything. He just holds me, first as a protective measure to keep me from hitting him and then because it feels right when he holds me. We haven't really done this. We haven't shared our grief or comforted each other. And right now I'm so angry and hurt and confused, it doesn't seem like comfort so much as an all-consuming need to feel anything different than this.

Edward can make me forget, even if it's just for a minute.

As shameful as it is to admit, I'm the one that kisses him.

It's explosive and frantic. I'm out of control just like I was when he broke up with me this summer, except the energy between us is even scarier. Even wilder.

We are all tongue and teeth as his arms tighten around my waist and I attempt to climb up his body as he leans up against the trunk of my car. He touches me and kisses me as if I'm more life sustaining than air. For a few glorious moments, I feel like the world isn't crashing down around us.

The blaring car horn is the very rudest of awakenings.

We jump apart, and I turn my face away from the road in the hope that no one recognized us. The silence is painfully tense as we stand there and attempt to collect ourselves. I could touch him. He's right here standing and breathing less then a foot away from me, but I don't reach out.

Maybe it doesn't make sense that this terrible thing that happened to Jasper is having such a profound effect on Edward and me, but it does. It's changed everything somehow.

"Let me take you home," I murmur. I wish I could articulate how I feel right now, but I can't. There's not much hope for Edward on that front. The boy doesn't do emotional conversations without some intense tooth pulling, and I just don't have it in me right now.

"I'll walk," he mutters, turning away.

I reach out and grab his elbow, needing to be able to do this one thing for him. To be able to do one right thing for anyone.

I'm powerless to really change anything. I've got not control, but I can take Edward home.

"Let me take you home," I repeat. "Please."

He nods and doesn't say anything the entire way, but at least he isn't walking down the highway at 3 o'clock in the morning.

* * *

><p>Thursday<p>

A phone call from a nurse wakes me up before my alarm even goes off. She says Jasper wants to see me. To apologize. I assure her I'll come by during my lunch break, even if I won't be able to stay long.

When I get there, Jazz looks so guilty and sad. He genuinely feels like an asshole and apologizes over and over for yelling at me. He says he knows that I'm only trying to help and begs me to keep coming to see him.

I apologize too, promising to be back later and to be more realistic about this whole situation.

He's able to lift his arms to give me a feeble hug and it makes me smile.

If only I was able to fix things with Edward this easily.

I see him at practice again, much to my relief. I've heard rumors about a late night practice in the rain. A nice ass whopping where the team ran up and down a muddy hill for hours in the middle of the night.

Edward must have been walking home from that. Why, I'm not sure.

Despite Jasper's anger and Edward's coldness the night before, I still want to help. Jazz can't walk and recovery is gonna be hard. If I can't make it better being there then Edward can. Jasper needs his best friend, and seeing Edward's behavior over the last couple of days is any indication, Edward needs his best friend too. So I muster my courage and march right up to him as he trudges to the lock rooms when practice finally ends.

"Hey, Edward," I say, falling in to step at his side. He lets out a big sigh and his shoulders droop. Again, its difficult but I refuse to be offended, choosing instead to ignore everything that happened last night. "Can I have a minute?"

He grumbles under his breath but turns to face me as he takes off his helmet. Even under these ridiculous circumstances, I find him obscenely attractive. His hair is all messy and there are little beads of sweat his forehead. A few strands of hair cling to the moisture, and I want to push it back of his forehead. His eyebrow is a little bloodied, probably from his fight yesterday with the star running back, but I didn't notice it last night.

I guess it was too dark. His helmet probably made it worse today.

It's the look on his face that ends my little fantasy. Just a week ago I could have touched him however I want – not in public – but now he is looking down at me with such resentment.

Okay, now it really does hurt. I know our last conversation was painful, that I hurt him, but does it really warrant that look?

"What do you want, Swan?"

The tone, most unfortunately, matches the look.

He refuses to meet my eye, and I touch the back of his hand, pleased when he looks up. His expression softens, but somehow this is just as heartbreaking. He's hurting, just as much as I am.

"You're bleeding," I murmur, ghosting my thumb over his minor little injury. He winces slightly, but closes his eyes and leans into my touch. We let out matching sighs of relief. Eventually the touch becomes inappropriately long, so I drop my hand, taking a step and looking around to make sure no one noticed anything.

That sure was different than yesterday.

Edward lets out a shaky breath. I impatiently wipe a tear from the corner of my eye. This was quite the little moment, but now its over. I take a step away and try to collect myself.

"I missed you," I tell him, my voice cracking. Our altercation the night before doesn't even feel like it was us.

He nods, indicating he missed me too.

"I'm sorry about the last time we talked and flipping out last night."

He nods again, telling me he's also sorry. Edward isn't a big talker, but that's okay. His facial expressions and gestures are enough.

"I'm worried about you," I confess.

His eyes narrow at that.

I really want to hug him and kiss him but I may or may not have broken up and there are a whole bunch of our peers wandering around who think I'm still dating his paralyzed former star quarterback best friend.

Good God, I'm exhausted.

"Are you okay?" he finally asks, resting his hand on my shoulder. That's good, friendly to the casual observer contact. Nothing more than a friend comforting another friend.

"No," I say a snort and a grimace. "But who is?"

"Come over," he says, sounding just a little desperate. "Right now."

"I can't," I whine, really wishing I could. "Visiting hours end at seven and—"

"Never fuckin' mind," he grumbles, abruptly shoving away from me and stomping off towards the locker rooms again. I blink at him for a moment, totally bemused by what just caused this abrupt mood swing,

"What is your problem?" I hiss, basically running to keep up with his long, angry stride. "What just happened?"

"Jasper's fucking hurt, that's what fucking happened," he replies, not even looking at me.

This is now the third time we've had this exact same fight in the last couple of days, but that doesn't stop me.

"I'm well aware of that seeing as I visit him everyday, unlike you!" I yell at him causing his pace to increase.

When we get to the locker rooms I grab on his elbow with all my meager strength. He lets out a big frustrated sigh, looks to the heavens like he wants to be anywhere but here with me, and places his hands down on his hips as he scowls down at me.

"Please, just talk to me," I plead, sounding as miserable as I feel. I put my hand against his chest.

For a moment his expression falls and he lifts his hand like he wants to cover mine, but then he scowls again.

"Why don't you just go fucking talk to Jasper?" he snaps before stalking off into the locker room.

"You know, if you wait too long, he's gonna start taking it personal, Edward!" I yell after him. He doesn't even turn his head before pushing disappearing from my view.

* * *

><p>Friday<p>

Despite the somewhat miraculous victory last week, the Panthers can't seem to pull it together. They lose to a team that apparently should have been an easy win. It was real sloppy. Edward even got kicked out for fighting and then screaming at the ref in the 4th quarter.

It was just terrible. Everything is such a mess.

"Can we please get obscenely, obscenely drunk now?" Rosalie asks as we sit in the bed of her truck, watching all the dejected Panthers fans shuffle out of the bleachers and on home.

"I've got to find Edward," I murmur, keeping my eyes on the door where the team will emerge after their post-game butt whooping.

"Still haven't talked to him?" she asks, looking at me in concern.

"Not really."

"So you guys are broken up?" she asks, giving me that stare she does when she thinks I've lost my mind.

"I dunno. I guess," I reply petulantly.

"And he still hasn't seen Jazz?" Rose manages to plummet my mood further and further with each question.

"No. And I just can't figure out why!" I groan out in frustration, really losing it now. "Before, he was so wrapped up in protecting Jazz. He's so loyal, you know, minus the affair with his best friend's girlfriend thing."

Rosalie snorts.

"Okay, so that doesn't sound good, but Edward really does care about Jazz. It doesn't make any sense to me that he won't go to the hospital. Jasper asks for Edward every day, and I don't know what else to do."

Rosalie wraps her arms around me, and I lay my head on her shoulder. I take deep breaths, relaxing slightly with the comfort she provides. We sit there as the dejected Panthers make their way into the parking lot, swinging our legs and not saying anything.

It gets to the point where Rose's truck and Edward's are the only two left in the parking lot. Even Coach is gone.

"This is ridiculous," I say, sliding out of the back and planting my feet on the ground. "I'm gonna go look for him."

"Bella, I'm your ride," Rose points out.

"Edward's here," I reply, gesturing towards his truck.

"Bella," Rose says, placing her hands on my shoulders and staring me right in the eye. "There is a very good chance that he's not here. That he left with some rally girl."

I wince because it is a possibility. I like to think things have changed since last year when he would end up in the bed of every random football floozies around. I like to think I've changed him.

"He wouldn't do that." I wish I sounded more sure. I wish I was more sure.

"Okay," she says, hugging me once more. "Call me if you need anything. I mean it, Bella. I'll be at the Cullen's."

"Okay."

The sports complex is kinda creepy this late at night. It is dark and deserted and just… creepy. It's like I can feel the fear and turmoil that has been the norm lately.

It doesn't take me long to find Edward. He is in one of the projection rooms. I find him because of the light flickering in the hallway. I linger in the doorway, taking in everything about him. His slouched posture just radiates defeat. His t-shirt is pulled tight across his lovely back. His hair is wet from the shower.

He stares up at the screen, the lighting playing across his face and highlighting just how beautiful and sad he is.

But then I look at the image on the screen.

It's game tape from two weeks ago. Edward is watching Jasper get hurt over and over again. I look on in horror as Jasper keeps his head down when he makes the tackle, the way his body spins in the air, and then the unnatural angling of his body when he lands hard.

Edward watches it three times before I can't take it anymore.

"Edward," I whisper, my words disturbing the quiet. He sits up a little straighter and brings his hands to his face but doesn't turn around. "Why are you watching this?"

He just shakes his head.

I am so tired of him ignoring me, of me feeling like needing him is wrong, that I just give in and rush across the room, sitting down in his lap and wrapping my arms tightly around his neck. I'm pleased and somewhat surprised when he immediately wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me as close as I could possibly be. We just hold each other for a good long while, ignoring the game tape that continues to play right on through Jasper being taken away by ambulance and the Panthers managing to come from behind and win in the last three minutes.

I move to cradle Edward's head, lightly kissing his banged up eyebrow. Edward holds me tight, his fingers splayed on my ribcage. His whole body seems to encompass mine, and I am reminded how much bigger he is than me. Edward burrows his face into my neck, his lips resting against my skin.

The screen is just blue when the silence is finally broken.

"It's my fault." His voice is so small and so broken it doesn't even sound like Edward is talking at all. This statement confuses me, and I pull away to study his face. His cheeks are a little damp, and I fail to stifle my sharp intake of breath. He looks away, face flushing, obviously embarrassed to be caught with a few tears in his eyes.

He's a manly sort of man, my Edward. Somehow his tears both make me feel like he is really letting me in while making the whole state of things seems that much bleaker.

Things have got to be bad if Edward Cullen is letting me see his tears.

"What did you just say?" I ask, my low tone matching his. I force his face back towards mine with my hands cradling his jaw. I use my thumbs to dry the little moisture I find there.

He grabs the remote, rewinding the tape back to where Jazz gets hurt.

"I don't want to see this again," I protest. "It makes me sick."

"Look," Edward says, pausing the game and ignoring me. He's got it to the exact moment Jazz flies through the air to tackle the Westerby player. I wince as I can clearly see the power in the hit and the way Jazz seems to go for the other guy headfirst.

"I don't want to look," I say, closing my eyes and laying my head against Edward's shoulder. All of a sudden it doesn't even seem like he knows I'm here anymore.

"There's me," he says. I open my eyes to look for him on the screen. The only way I can tell who is who is by their numbers. I locate the thirty-three. He's suspended up there in mid-sprint, obviously trying his best to get to Jasper. "I just let it happen."

My attention is now back on Edward as I struggle to understand just what he's saying.

"Edward, you're nowhere near him," I say. Although I've had some dark thoughts in the last week blaming myself for the accident in some sort of bizarre, abstract, cosmic sort of way, Edward really thinks it was physically, truly, and actually his fault. He really believes he let Jasper get hurt.

"That's the fucking point, Bella," he replies, sounding weary. "I was nowhere near him. How could I have been nowhere near him? I fucked up and look what happened."

His voice breaks as he finishes, but he stays stoic.

"Edward, this wasn't your fault. This wasn't any ones fault. Sometimes tragedy happens and there is no apparent why to us humans. It's not for us to know God's divine plan," I tell him, struggling to believe my own words. Jasper's accident has rattled my faith, but I have to be strong for Jazz and Edward too, it seems.

"Do you really, truly buy that?" he demands, sounding angry now.

"Yes," I reply. "But it's not always easy."

"I was not there to protect him," Edward continues, gesturing violently towards the screen. I tighten my grip around his neck to keep myself from being upended from his lap. "I wasn't there and he got hurt. Not only did I steal his girl, I stole his dreams too. I destroyed the life of my best friend. Fuck, Bella, how can you even stand to look at me?"

Finally I understand why Edward hasn't been to see his best friend. He hates himself right now. The guilt must be so crushing. I feel the same, to some extent, but this is all so much worse for Edward.

I give him a chaste kiss because I can't help myself.

"Look at me," I murmur. He keeps his eyes downcast, even though our faces are mere inches apart. "Please, baby, look at me." The endearment was a slip up, being as I still don't know how we can possibly be together after this, but it succeeds in getting him to look at me. His seems so lost. It reminds me of when we were young and Edward would sneak into my bedroom when his parents were too drunk to remember to feed him or left for weeks at a time or forgot to pay the electric and his house got up to 102 even at night. "This is not your fault. There is absolutely nothing you could have done or any way you could have known this was going to happen."

He just stares at me for a long moment as I pray for him to believe me.

"I could have never touched you," he murmurs, sounding like each word brings him that much more physical pain. "I could have never loved you."

As much as the thought of such a thing hurts, I really do understand where he's coming from.

"I don't think that is up to us, either," I tell him. Even as they come into my head, I recognize these as absolute truth. "I think us loving each other is somehow part of the divine plan, too."

There is no other way to explain this pull I feel towards Edward. It is an attraction so totally out of my control that it scares me sometimes. Everything is so complicated by my feelings for Edward combined with the certainty that there is no way for us to be together right now.

"How can you say that when four days ago you were basically breaking things off with me?" he asks, groaning in frustration.

"I don't really know," I confess. "I do love you, so much. But I still don't think we can be together right now."

"Right now?"

"I can't be there for him and lie at the same time. I can't tell him and hurt him worse while he is already so hurt. It's just such a mess," I say, hugging him again because the thought of being away from him is so hard.

"I'm insanely jealous about how much time you are spending with him," Edward mumbles when I finally pull away. He looks down, not meeting my eye out of apparent shame. "How fucked up is that? You are there to help him, and it's my fault he's hurt, but still I hate the idea of you anywhere near him. And I think I hate him a little bit too, or at least resent him. And then I just hate myself more for resenting a guys who just about lost everything he ever wanted because of me."

At least I'm not the only one with a whole lot of conflicting thoughts and feelings rushing through me right now.

I'm still not used to Edward sharing so much personal stuff like this. It's a little amazing, this peek inside his head. He works so hard to come off as unattached and unconcerned, but I've always known there is a lot going on up there.

Even if its not always pleasant or logical.

"There is probably nothing I can say to make you understand how ridiculous that is, but I wouldn't be spending so much time with him if his other best friend was there helping me out," I reply, removing his hands from his hair and holding them in my lap. He lets out a groan

"I just don't know how I can face him. It was hard enough when all I'd done was take away you. Now he can't even play football because of me."

"You didn't ruin his life," I say. And I'll keep saying it over and over again until Edward believes me. "He's still here. He's still the same Jasper. And you don't have to be jealous of me spending time with him. There is no chance of us getting back together. I promise that I've made it perfectly clear that I'm there as his friend. That's it, Edward."

"Okay. Good. I guess. Fuck, this is so hard," he says, letting out a groan and resting his forehead against mine.

I nod in agreement, noticing how he stares at my lips before he reaches up to trace my jaw with his thumb. My breathing immediately picks up and it feels like forever sense he's touched me.

"You are so incredibly, painfully beautiful, Isabella," he murmurs. I can feel his breath on my lower lip. My eyes flutter closed because he's so close it hurts my eyes to look at him.

"So are you." I smile slightly when I hear him scoff in response.

He kisses me – gently, earnestly – and it's just as magical as it always is. I feel it everywhere, all across the surface of my skin and way down deep in my bones. But my heart and soul, I feel it so much there it borders on pain because I know we can't be together. Not for real. Not right now.

It's difficult to really internalize that reality when he's kissing me breathless, snaking one hand underneath the top of my cheerleader uniform at my lower back while he squeezes my thigh with the other. I want him higher up, right between my legs, even though I shouldn't.

He pulls away, once again resting his forehead against mine. We both try to calm our breathing, and he places his hand right over my heart, making it hard for me to calm down.

"What're we supposed to do now?" he asks

"I know it's hard. I know it's almost unbearable, but we can't be together right now. We can't do it in secret. Our consciences can't take it. And we can't hurt Jazz by doing it for real in public," I say, breaking my own heart with my stupid, logical words.

"But we love each other," he says, pointing out the most illogical argument of all and the only one that really seems to matter.

"I know. I know we do, baby," I reply, getting all teary eyed now. "That's not gonna change. Can you wait awhile? For me?"

"I can't think of anything more worth the wait," he says.

"Promise?"

"I promise," he murmurs. "Don't see why I'd start lyin' to you now."

We sit there together for a good long while, both trying and failing to absorb every bit of each other in this little time we have left. I cry so hard when Edward drops me off at home, I almost can't see the stairs to make it to bed.

I hope he takes care of my heart. I've left it with him.


	14. Paint it Blue and Gold

**It's been forever, I know. New Year's resolution: update more.**

**I don't own Twilight or Friday Night Lights (and the next few chapters are heavy on the Friday Night Lights, but then its back to mostly me).**

**Stratan is obviously the best beta ever. Thanks to him and his skills and his fucking kind words.**

**Onward with Edward.**

* * *

><p>10 days since the accident<p>

It's been three days since we lost to a nobody school, three days since I poured my guts out to Bella, and three days that I've made it to the hospital.

I just haven't exactly made it inside yet.

Before all this happened, back when everything seemed like it would be okay, before I let my best friend lose everything, Bella called me brave. I thought she was crazy then, and I've obviously proved how wrong that assessment was now.

I should go in. I have to go in, but I really just can't seem to make my legs move. I just stand out front, staring intently at the stupid building and trying not to puke my guts out.

This feels like it's all my fault.

Coach seemed to know without me sayin' nothin' just what's going through my head. I think it's part of why he made us run sprints up that muddy-ass hill in the rain the night after I walked off the field.

Everybody knows you don't walk out on practice.

I ran and ran and ran. It seemed cathartic for everyone else. Not me so much, though.

"Clear eyes, full hearts," shouted Jake as we panted after the first set. I hate the guy but you've got to respect his drive.

"Can't lose," replied Ben, the rookie QB stepping up.

Then we were all doing it, and it might have been some sort of team building, unifying, bonding experience for the rest of these fuckers, but I just couldn't feel it.

Coach got everyone to work through what happened to Jazz but me. I think he could tell because he pulled me aside as I tried to get on the bus back to town.

"What happened to Jazz was nobody's fault, you got me? " he said, his voice low and serious. I still can't really believe he somehow knew every dark thought I'd had since Jazz got hurt. "This is football, accidents happen. It wasn't your fault," Coach insisted. It was raining so hard he had to shout.

"I didn't ever try," I muttered, replaying the whole thing over and over in my head. "I didn't even try."

"You were on the other side of the field, it wouldn't have mattered. It was an accident. It was not your fault," he continued. Every time he said it, my conviction that I ruined my best friend got a little harder to hold on to.

He told me to look at him, getting closer and dropping his voice.

"You've gotta let yourself off the hook here. You've gotta know it's not your fault."

"Yes, sir," I mumbled, wanting to believe him. But then I replayed the moment again in my head, and I just couldn't. I agreed with Coach in the hopes that he wouldn't throw me off the team for walking out on practice the other day.

You don't walk out on practice. You don't walk out on Coach.

"Now if you ever walk out on my practice again, I won't hesitate to kick your ass right off the team, you got me?" he says, poking my chest to punctuate his statement.

"Yes, sir," I said, relaxing slightly as it became clear I'm still a Panther – as much as I don't deserve to be.

I need to be here. I need to at least do this for Jazz. I've gotta win for him because he can't anymore.

"You own me a practice," said Coach, boarding the bus. "Right now. You can walk home and we'll call it even."

Everyone stared at me as they drove off. It was hard not to slip in the rain.

Bella picked me up. It seems like Bella is always picking me up. But I can't even think about what happened next when I'm standing outside the hospital like this.

I've gotta focus on Jazz now.

My best friend needs me, has been asking for me. And I just can't make myself go see him. It's like when I see him like that, all laid up in a hospital bed and barely able to move, it's gonna be real.

I don't want it to be fucking real.

Today I gotta do it. Today I have to go in. There is no other choice. I've avoided and been a coward long enough. For ten fucking days I've let my own guilt and fear and fuckin' misery keep me away.

Bella thought I was brave before. I hate to disappoint her.

"Edward."

It's like I conjured her, the way I'm aching for her and missin' her and wishin' things could be different for us. I meant it when I told her I'd wait, but right now it's hard to imagine a time when we can just be together.

I try not to dwell on it.

She slips her hand in mine, and I close my eyes, givin' myself a minute to soak up her comfort.

"I saw you here yesterday," she murmurs. Still, I don't look at her because it hurts too much right now. "You left before I could get to you. Let's go in, okay?"

She tugs gently on my hand. I take a few small steps, letting her pull me towards our battered and beaten friend, but I stop when we get through the sliding glass doors, the panic becoming too much for a moment.

"Hey," she says, pulling me to the side of the entryway and out of the way. She turns to face me and my heart gets stuck in my throat because she is just so beautiful in her simple pale green dress. "It's still him. He's still Jasper. And yes, everything is different now. He's hurt, and that isn't on you, Edward. It's just not. You've got to get that in your head because this is about him right now. Not you, not me, not us, but Jasper. This is about Jasper and the way we get bogged down in how we feel isn't helpful. It makes it about us not him. So we gotta stop. We've gotta be there for him and that means not getting stuck in our own heads about it. Okay?"

I let out a big shaky breath because I know she's right. That was quite a speech.

"Okay," I mutter, my voice sounding croaky.

Bella gives me a sad little smile, glances around to make sure no one is looking at us, and kisses my cheek. I breathe her in deep.

For one moment when Bella was talkin' and touchin' me, it seemed like I could actually do this. I felt a little brave, but when we get on the elevator, and then approach Jasper's room, I panic again.

Bella smiles knowingly and gives my hand a little squeeze before nodding toward the hospital room and letting go of me. I take a big breath and follow her in.

She's so much braver than me.

I hold my breath, waiting to get a good look at my best friend. Bella and I both stop short when we see Alice Masen of all people sitting on the foot of Jasper's bed. She sits quietly, large pad of paper in her lap, drawing intently. Her eyes dart from her page to Jasper rapidly.

Her gaze lingers on Jasper again, and it becomes softer, less focused. All of a sudden, it feels like we are intruding on an intimate moment.

But then that final distraction is no longer enough as I finally focus on my best friend. He opens his eyes, immediately focusing on Bella and I standing in the doorway.

I breathe in sharply when I see just how broken he looks laid up in that damn bed, propped up stiffly against pillows and neck supported in a brace.

It becomes real, and suddenly it's really hard to be a damn man and not cry like a little girl.

Jasper looks surprised at first, then happy, and then just plain pissed. I deserve his anger. It's been over ten days and I haven't been to see him till just now.

Shit thing to do, that.

Alice glances up, squeaks out something in greeting, but I'm too focused on staring at my best friend and trying not to brawl like a baby.

"Bella," Alice says, gettin' off the bed. "Why don't we go get a coffee?"

Bella agrees, and I don't know if I should be thankful or not that Jazz and I have a minute to hash this all out.

"Six," I mutter, my voice breaking as I approach the bed. I've got a lot of nicknames for my best friend, but his number is probably the oldest.

"It took you long enough to get here, man," he says, continuing to glare at me.

All I can do is stand there and nod because I'm such an asshole for stayin' away as long as I did.

"You want to call yourself my best friend?" he demands, yelling know. As he goes on he gets angrier and louder. "You haven't showed up once since I got in here, man. Not once! It's been ten days. Ten days of me lyin' in this bed on my sorry quadriplegic ass. Everyday people poke and prod at me like I'm a piece of meat. Half the town and the team filters in, talking quietly as if not to disturb the cripple. Bella is all positive, refusing to acknowledge even a little bit how much this fucking sucks! How unfair this is!"

He yells, and I just take it because I deserve every harsh word.

"The point is," he continues after taking a deep, calming breath. He sounds more in control and I look at him, wondering if that was really the worst of it. "I'm in here dealin' with this all by myself while my best firend is out there doin' whatever the fuck it is you do. Is gettin' drunk, gettin' laid, and fixin' your pickup really what's important right now? What happened to that eternal bond you were so quick to throw around when I was happy and heading for the NFL?"

His words sear me down to the bones because he doesn't even know the extent of my crimes. He doesn't even realize that my disloyalty goes way beyond me not showin' up.

"I'm sorry, Jasper," I tell him feeling hopeless and weak. "I'm so fucking sorry for all of it."

Jasper lets out a big old sigh. "Well, as long as you're here now. They're movin' me to a rehab center at the end of the week. You best be there."

"I will," I promise. Jazz's ability to let go of his anger so quickly always amazes me. Just like that, I'm forgiven. All that would change if he knew the rest.

"Now," he says, adjusting slightly in his bed. "What the fuck is goin' on outside of this damn hospital? Everyone is too skittish around me to give it to me straight. What the fuck was up with that loss on Friday, Cullen?"

* * *

><p>14 days<p>

"I wish you had your own room," Mrs. Whitlock mumbles. We've all gathered to help Jazz move from the hospital to the rehab center. It's only about a thirty minute drive from Dillon, so I'll still probably come visit on the regular.

And I have been visiting him on the regular. Which is good, but things are still so fuckin' hard. I'm happy and positive for Jazz. I answer all of his football questions, and we shoot the shit, but it's still fuckin' hard.

I don't let him see that though.

"What are you thinking about homecoming, Jasper?" Mrs. Whitlock continues when no one really gets on board with her 'this-room-sucks' bitchfest. Although she has been nothing but kind to me – feeding me and occasionally clothing me and the like – I've never felt completely comfortable around my best friend's mother. She is just too intense and nervous and chatty.

"Mom, I don't know," he groans out, letting his head flop back against his pillow. "Let's not talk about it now. We don't even know how far along I'm going to be with my rehab."

"Don't be silly, Jasper," she chides. "Everyone is already gushing with your progress. You'll just breeze through all this rehab."

"Mom, I have to train my body to poo on command," Jasper points out.

Bella bites her lip to hold back her giggle. I disguise my laugh poorly as a cough. Mrs. Whitlock looks horrified for a moment before shaking it off and turning to look at me.

"What do you think, Edward?" At first I think she's askin' about Jasper's shitting schedule, and I just blink at her in surprise.

"About this little tribute they want to do with Jazz at the homecoming game?" she clarifies, eyes narrowing in on me where I lean against a wall, off to the side.

"It's still four weeks away," I mutter. "He don't have to decide nothin' now."

Jasper shoots me a grateful smile. I don't really get his hesitation to get out on the field with us again, but he's entitled to feel however he feels about it.

Mrs. Whitlock lets out a huff and then rounds on Bella.

"What about you, Bella? What do you think?"

"I think it's nice," she says quietly, studying her hands in her lap from where she sits next to Jasper in bed. "But whatever Jasper decides."

"I don't want to be a mascot," Jasper says with clear exasperation.

"You wouldn't be a mascot!" Bella, Mrs. Whitlock, Mr. Whitlock, and I all say at the same time. This argument has been going on for the last week since the principal came in and suggested it.

"Whatever. I'll think about it," he replies, scratching the side of his head with a balled up fist. "I might not even be out of the brace by then. Who knows?"

"Well, at least you're taking Bella to the dance, right?" Mrs. Whitlock pushes.

I wince and make brief eye contact with Bella before we both quickly look away. Nobody knows about the breakup. I hate it, but can't really think of a way to make it better.

"I'm not much of a dancer," Jasper replies quietly.

"So you're not going?" Mrs. Whitlock says.

"No. What would I do? I would just be a spectacle. And it would be boring. School dances were boring when I could use my legs."

Jazz is such a moron. Bella is the student body president. She throws the fucking dances, and she doesn't love them much either, but he doesn't have to be such an asshole about it.

"Bella doesn't think they are boring. She has to go." It's pretty weird the way Jazz and his mom are talking about Bella like she's not here. Bella and I share another little look before dropping our eyes again.

Jasper doesn't say anything.

"I'm going to see about getting you your own room," she says before scampering off and dragging Mr. Whitlock with her.

Jasper starts to protest, but they are gone too quickly for that.

I go back to staring at the ground because I hate this. I really fucking hate that most of this goddamn town has no idea that Bella is done with my best friend. I hate that my best friend can't walk. I hate that I still blame myself even if I know different.

Coach told me that I could blame myself for anything if I thought on it long enough. I guess he's right, but that don't make it any easier. None of this is easier, but I'm tryin' to do what Coach says and stop blaming myself. I'm tryin' to do what Bella says and let this be about Jasper.

"When are you going to tell them, Jasper?" Bella asks quietly. I look up to see her staring intently at Jazz while he looks determinedly out the window. "This is so uncomfortable for me. I hate lying."

"We ain't lyin'," he mutters.

"That is exactly what we are doing," Bella replies, shrieking slightly. I wince at her sharp tone. "This is this all a big fat lie! I can only do so much pretending."

I look at Bella in horror because I know what she's talking about. She best not be about to spill the beans. The drama would surely be the end of me.

"It's just this one thing I'm askin' you to pretend about," Jazz replies, turnin' to look at Bella finally.

"Right. Yes," Bella stutters, bright red and uncomfortable. "It's still one thing too many."

"Please, Bells," Jasper says, closing his eyes and sounding down right exhausted. "I just can't deal with anymore pity. This whole damn town pities me, and if they find out you dumped me, it would just get that much worse."

"We wouldn't have to tell people that part. You could have just as easily broken up with me," she says.

Jasper shakes his head ruefully. "I would have never broken up with you," he whispers.

I dig my hands into my pockets to keep them from forming into fits as Bella looks at him sadly, softly. All of a sudden, this moment feels way too tender, but there is no way in hell I'm leavin' even if I probably should.

He wants her back. It's painfully obvious, and I'm scared if I leave them alone now, she'll succumb to his wishes. Like the combination of nostalgia and these circumstances will make her see she's really loved him all along.

And maybe if I was a good person, I would let that happen because Jazz needs a win, but I can't. I just could never let her go.

Bella lets out a big, shaky breath. "At least tell your parents. They'll keep it quiet if that's what you want, but just tell them. I see too much of them to keep lyin' to them."

"Okay. I'll tell my folks." Jazz reaches for her hand, and I have to look away again. "Thank you, Bella. I couldn't do this without you."

"I've gotta go," I say abruptly, pushing off the wall and inching towards the exit. Both Bella and Jazz turn to stare at my interruption. He looks confused, like he didn't remember I'm still here. Bella pulls her hand away from Jazz and turns red.

I just can't handle being here right now.

"But—"

"Told Em I'd pick up a shift," I say, interrupting him. I'm talking unnaturally fast, but I can't stop. Jazz narrows his eyes at me, obviously suspicious of my bizarre behavior. "Totally forgot. I'll come by after practice on Monday."

And with that, I basically sprint out of the room. I stalk down to my truck, absolutely fuming. I want to hit something, hurt someone, but there is no practice till tomorrow morning. The only solution is to get good and drunk.

I was such a fucking moron, letting myself fall for my best friend's girl like this.

"Edward!" I can hear her yelling behind me as I approach my tuck. My steps falter as I resist the urge to wait for her, to pull her in to my arms and never let her go. "Please wait!"

I stop when I get to my truck, taking deep breaths as I try to calm myself down before she reaches me. I don't handle anger well, and I don't want to say anything too stupid.

"I'm sorry," she says when she finally catches up with me. She touches my back, but I don't turn around. "I'm so sorry for all of that."

"It's not your fault," I say through my clenched jaw.

"There has to be a way to navigate this better," she murmurs. "I'm not handling this right. I know that hurt you, made you angry, but you have to believe me when I tell you that nothing is going to happen with me and Jazz. I don't know how to make you believe it. "

"I believe it," I say, sounding totally unconvincing even to my own ears.

"Edward—" she tries again.

"Just get in the truck, Bella," I say too gruffly, climbing in myself.

We drive home in silence. At one point, I think I hear a little sniffle, but when I turn to look at her she looks perfectly composed.

* * *

><p>29 days<p>

"You guys just bent over, grabbed your ankles, and let them have at it," says Emmett through a mouthful of ravioli.

"Yeah, I feel really bad about that." I try to ignore my brother. He is still talkin' about our piss pour performance during the second game of the season. We've won all three of our games since then, including last night, something Em seems to have conveniently forgot.

"Leave him alone," chides Rosalie, emerging from the bathroom in just a towel. It's a small damn towel. Not much of her is covered up at all, and I can't help but do a once over with my eyes. "They won last night."

Emmett smacks the back of my head, and I drop my eyes to my own dinner.

"Rose, you're reminding me that my little brother's seen you naked," Emmett scolds. "I hate rememberin' that my little brother's seen you naked."

Rosalie throws her head back and laughs before disappearing into Emmett's room.

They really are a charming couple, but even that bizarre little interaction is making me miss Bella. Everything makes me miss Bella especially now that we're avoiding each other.

"What, does she fuckin' live here now?" I grumble.

"She makes a good point, though," Em says, ignoring my complaints. "Y'all did manage to pull this one out of your ass. Still, it was a little too sloppy for my liking. You ain't never gonna get one of these," he waggles his championship ring in my face, "playin' like that."

"Thanks for the advice, big brother," I mutter. "We're doin' the best we can. We've only got one loss and that's pretty alright, given the circumstance."

"Who was that dude chattin' you up after the game?"

"No one," I mutter, movin' to toss my dish in the sink. Rose gets pissy when the house gets too messy, though she might be the sloppiest of the three of us.

"Don't you lie to me, baby brother," he says, gettin' in my face and cornering me by the lazy Susan. "He looked all official and scout-ish and shit."

I sigh. "He was a fuckin' scout, okay!"

Emmett punches me in the shoulder as an expression of joy, lettin' out a good old Texas whoop.

"That's fuckin' incredible! You can't deny this is a big deal. Not like your little letters. Shit, man. Where was he from?" Em demands, makin' me uncomfortable with his excitement.

Cullen's don't do college. Not real college, anyway. Em has some sort of degree from Dillon Tech that took him six years to get, but community college don't count. He said his classes we're easier than Dillon High.

"Some nobody school in Colorado with a nobody football team. Their whole backfield is graduating apparently. I'm a goddamn priority," I explain, feelin' like an asshole.

Em punches me in the shoulder again.

"Will you stop fuckin' doin' that?" I snap, rubbing the spot.

"So what's next? How do we make this happen?" he continues in the rush. "I got approached about playin' golf before I blew out my knee, remember? But that recruitment has got to be a whole lot different. And we're kinda late gettin' in the game."

"He wants to meet up," I say, still feeling like an idiot for even thinking about bothering with this whole thing.

"When?"

"He'll be back in Dillon for homecoming."

"Good. That gives us a week to get ready."

I stare at him blankly.

"How do we get ready?" he asks.

"Fuck if I know," I reply with a big sigh.

"Let's start by gettin' you some nice pants"

* * *

><p>31 Days<p>

I've been avoiding Bella because she's gonna break my heart. I just know it, and I need some distance. It's fuckin' self-preservation. But still, I watch her in the halls, trying not to get caught. She seems as isolated in her sadness as I am, but I don't know how we can be there for each other and Jazz at the same time.

Bella and I try to visit Jazz at different times. I wonder if he's noticed how strained things are between us.

Alice and Rose seem like the only ones Bella really wants to be around. She sucks it up and does her duty, faking it for the rest of the cheerleaders, but I can tell it's hard on her.

I watch her make forced conversation with Lauren and Jessica in the hall as Alice stands by, looking bored. Bella can't make the smile reach her eyes, and all I want to do is hold her, to kiss her better.

Fuck, I just love her so much. Miss her so much.

I notice Alice staring at me, her brows slightly furrowed. I've been staring too long and I slip away, hoping no one saw too much.

After practice, Emmett drags me to dinner at Coach's to talk recruitment. Coach says he's proud, and Alice makes some really good food, even if it's too fancy for my taste.

"See what I have to deal with?" Coach says, gesturing towards the gourmet, heavy-on-the-veggies meal when Alice runs to grab something from the kitchen. "The girl don't even eat meat. I don't know what her mother was thinkin', raising her up like that. I haven't had a good steak in months."

Em and I express our deep condolences.

I zone out when we get down to business.

I feel like shit, talking about playing ball in college while Jasper is training his hands to grab and working on feeding himself.

All this is too much, and I can't get my hopes up. I got my hopes up about Bella, and look how that turned out. She says I just need to wait, to have faith in us, but it is so hard. Mostly, I don't even believe that she's gonna come back at all.

Emmett and Coach continue to talk strategy, and I slip out, just needing a moment of fresh air. I'm surprised to find little Alice on the front porch, smoking a joint.

She turns to look at me, relaxing when she sees it's just me. I sit down next to her on the front step.

"Don't tell my dad," Alice says, taking a deep pull. She exhales slowly, and I like how the smoke curls up on this windless night. "He still thinks I'm his virginal little good girl. I don't want to ruin it for him."

I don't say anything. Why would I ever rat Alice out for something I've done countless times?

"I have yet to find good weed here," she says with a sigh, handing me the joint. I only hesitate for a minute before takin' it from her and breathin' in deep. I don't usually do this during football season – what with the smoke not bein' the best thing for an athlete – but I need it to calm down.

It's just too much, what with Jasper's slow recovery and Bella feelin' so far away and this whole college waste of time. Weed helps, second only too booze.

"It's not the best," I agree, coughing slightly as I pass it back to Alice.

"Where do you get better?" she asks.

"Dunno. I don't smoke all that often, and when I was really into it, my brother was sellin'. That's before he went on the straight and narrow, you know. He decided someone had to be a role model for me and that meant no more free bud," I explain.

"Edward, I don't think I've ever heard you talk that much," Alice says with a laugh. She puffs twice before passing it back to me.

I just shrug as I accept the joint.

"I get mine from that rough, high school drop out crowd. Laurent and Victoria and all them? Do you know them?" she asks.

"Know of them," I reply. "You're dad would hate that."

"I know," she says, sighing. "But they are some of the only people in this town who don't care that I'm a total freak."

"I don't think you're a freak," I tell her. Alice is one of the most genuine people I've ever known. I wish I could be more like her, so honest. She really don't give a fuck what anyone thinks, with the exception of her daddy.

"Neither does Bella."

I cough at the sound of her name, handing Alice the joint. For one little minute, I forgot that with Bella gone it feels like a good chunk of me is missing too.

"Bella is a good person," Alice continues with caution.

"Yup," I say, not likin' where this conversation is going.

"Is she still broken up with Jasper?" Alice asks a little too casually. "I mean, she said they broke up before the accident but no one seems to really know that and she visits him all the time and stuff."

I let out a big sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose in an attempt to dispel my sudden headache.

"They broke up," I mutter.

"Good," say Alice, expelling a cloud of smoke. She sounds relieved, and I don't really understand why.

I look at her in confusion.

"It's just… good because I've seen the way you look at her."

I wince and drop my head, unable to look at Alice. She sees too fucking much, this little girl from the big city.

"Does she know?" Alice asks. "Does she know how you feel about her?"

"I don't know what you're talking about. Let's just have some peace and quiet, okay?"

She nods and we pass the joint back and forth in silence till its done.

When we leave twenty minutes later, Alice pulls me aside.

"She looks at you the same way," she whispers in my ear. "I just think you should know."

* * *

><p>33 days<p>

"Good practice today, gentleman," says Coach as we hit the showers. "Now I know that they always set up the schedule so the homecoming game is supposed to be a breeze, but don't get cocky. Don't let the events and the fans and the hero worship distract you. Y'all keep your heads down and play the game the way I know you can. Now, we've only got morning practice tomorrow because the homecoming, alumni, whatever-it's-called carnival is goin' on over at Charlie Swan's dealership. It's a requirement to be there, just like it is to be at practice. All part of being a Panther."

With that, everyone gets cleaned up. I'm exhausted, but we did good work. Newton and I are gettin' along better, and Ben is shaping up to be a decent QB.

"Cullen," Coach yells from his office as I sling my bag over my shoulder, ready to head home. "Come in here a minute, son."

I do as he says, irrationally worried that he knows I smoked up with his daughter two nights ago.

"Have you talked to Jasper?" Coach asks. I relax.

"Went and saw him yesterday," I say, nodding.

"Any word on if he'll be joining us on the field?" he asks.

"Not yet. I think he's gonna decide by tomorrow. It's tough on him, not playin' with us and all," I reply, thinking about how I helped Jazz with his physical therapy yesterday. He's finally out of the brace and he's working on gettin' control of his arms.

"Good, good. Hey, was it okay how the whole team dropped in on him before the last away game? He seemed pretty happy about it, but I thought it might be too much," Coach continues.

I'm a little surprised by this. Coach is rarely a man who seems to have any doubts at all. Except maybe in regards to his daughter's cooking.

"He loved it," I say, remembering how Jazz teared up when we gave him a game ball we all signed. "I think it's good for him to know that he's still connected. That he's still a part of us."

Coach nods thoughtfully.

"Thanks, Cullen. Good practice."

And with that dismissal, I finally make my way home.

It knocks the wind out of me a little when I round a counter to see Bella leaning against a fence in a green dress and cowboy boots, the sun in her hair.

She is just so damn beautiful.

The wind rustles her wavy chestnut hair, and I don't even feel the need to berate myself for being a pansy for noticing. I wish I could tell if she was looking at me, but her dark eyes are hidden behind a pair of aviators.

I don't even think about not goin' over to her.

"Hey," I say, smiling softly at her.

"Hey," she replies, pushing her glasses up on top of her head. She smiles back and my heart slams around erratically in my chest. "It's been awhile."

"I know."

"You're avoidin' me," she says, sounding sad but not angry.

"It's just hard right now, Bella." It's the best explanation I got.

She sighs and nods.

There are more people than usual millin' about this afternoon what with it being homecoming and all. The college scouts are out in full force, makin' a lot of boys nervous. If we were alone, I'd be damn tempted to kiss her and that would probably just do more damage too both of us in the long run.

"I noticed your truck isn't in the parking lot." Fuck, I forgot that Em was doin' an oil change for me today. I got a ride with Rose but it looks like she's long gone. "Thought I could give you a lift."

I smile because Bella waited for me. She's still takin' care of me, even though it feels like we are so far apart right now.

But then I realize how damn difficult it would be to be in such a tiny, enclosed space with her.

"I appreciate it," I murmur, feeling guilty. "But you don't have to do that. I'll walk."

"I don't mind, Edward," she pushes. "We've got to save those legs for the big homecoming game."

I shake my head and smile, preparing to argue good-naturedly with her even though I'm sure she'll win when we're interrupted by the last person I want to see.

"Edward," the man says, approaching and extending his hand.

"Mr. Meyer," I reply, shaking his hand.

"Please, call me Bob."

I nod, looking down and not knowing what else to say.

"Hello," Bella says, as bright and happy as ever. "I'm Bella."

"Hello, Bella," Bob replies, shaking her hand too. "Nice to meet you."

I feel like I should probably say something to make this less awkward.

"Bella, Bob is from Colorado." I can't remember the exact name of the school, which is probably not a good sign.

"Indeed," says Bob, smiling. "The University of Colorado is very interested in Edward here."

"Really?" Bella says, seemingly lighting up at this piece of information. "That is just excellent. Edward is great."

I try not to roll my eyes. Her gushing makes me uncomfortable.

"I hate to jump right into it, but like I said, we're graduating our entire backfield in May. We really feel like you'd be a great fit for our team. Why don't you come on down to the hotel tomorrow night, and we'll talk about our program," he says.

I wince because I can feel how excited Bella is next to me, because I know how much Emmett wants this, because Coach is proud.

"Tomorrow night really isn't good," I mutter.

"They make a hell of a steak," Bob continues.

"Why can't you go tomorrow night?" Bella asks quietly, frowning at me now.

"It's just not good. My trucks in the shop right now," I say, running my hand through my hair and refusing to look at Bella.

"That's ridiculous," she mutters, shaking her head at me. "I'll give you a ride."

She turns to fuckin' Bob now, hitting him with the full wattage of her smile. "I'll give him a ride," she assure, patting my arm.

"Eight o'clock? The carnival and everything will be over by then, right?" Bob asks.

"Of course," Bella says. "He'll be there."

Bob looks to me for the final word, and I sigh.

"I'll be there," I say.

Bob chuckles but I don't really get why.

"You've got yourself quite a girl here, Mr. Cullen," he says, smiling.

I stutter like a goddamn idiot, but Bella just smiles.

"Thank you, Bob," she says. "We'll see you tomorrow."

We shake hands and Bob is on his merry way before I turn to scowl at Bella.

"What?" she asks, attempting to look innocent.

"You really just took over that conversation, didn't you?" I reply, shaking my head at her. I can't help but smile a little because she is unbelievable, both in a good way and bad. "And apparently, I have myself quite a girl."

"Wouldn't want to let a little old thing like your truck being in the shop keeping you from college," she says, biting her bottom lip. "University of Colorado! That's great. They're in the Pac 12. And I know it's not the south, but I think it will be good to get out of Texas for awhile."

I do not like the sound of that. Texas forever.

"Who's ever even heard of the University of Colorado?" I mutter, kicking at the dirt with my boot.

"I think they're like the number one party school in the country or something like that," she says.

"Okay, well now it's starting to sound pretty good."

Bella shoves me in the shoulder and laughs.

"This is really good, Edward," she says, getting serious again.

"I guess."

"Come on," she says, backing up towards the parking lot. "Let me take you home."

"Alright," I say with a heavy sigh, following her.

* * *

><p>34 Days<p>

"He's gonna do it!" All the boys along with the cheerleaders are gathered to listen to what Bella has to say when she gets off the phone. Newton ogles her in her far too tiny uniform, and I finish off my beer to keep myself from hittin' him. "Jasper will be there tomorrow. Isn't that great?"

Everyone mutters his or her agreement, but I hate how happy it makes Bella. That's probably evil of me, but I hate how happy Jasper's presence makes her. I steal a solo cup from the sophomore next to me and drink down his beer one gulp.

Homecoming week in Dillon is also alumni week, and the yearly carnival is to welcome them back. The whole damn town plus a lot of people who moved on long ago come back and party down the night before the big game.

Us players are supposed to show up, make nice, and call it an early night.

I'm supposed to meet with some college dude. The thought makes me wish I wasn't as good as I am out there on the field. It would be better if I just went unnoticed. Livin' up to all these expectations – of Bella, of Emmett, of Coach, of this fuckin' college scout – is killin' me.

And this fuckin' carnival is fuckin' ridiculous. There is a stage and a live band, cotton candy, booze, and a fucking Farris wheel. I don't like crowds, and I don't like people.

So I keep drinking and chatting and trying not to totally lose it.

Bella and the rest of the cheerleaders take the stage and do a little dance that seems far to provocative givin' the event. I hate how the rest of the team grins up at Bella, front row and fuckin' center.

I lean against the side of a booth, watchin' fucking Jake Black flirt outrageously with Bella. She's turnin' red, and I hate that someone else can make her blush. They chat for awhile, and he makes her laugh. Eventually she walks away, and I finish my beer, placing myself in her path.

"Edward," she says smiling at first. But then she gets a good look at me and her eyes narrow. "Oh, you can't be serious."

"How's good old Jake?" I ask, sounding bitter and mean.

"What are you talkin' about?" she asks with a sigh. It's like she doesn't want to deal with me.

"You looked awfully cozy."

"Edward, don't you start with that. We were talkin' about how ridiculous this whole homecoming spectacle is, that's all," she says, groaning slightly.

"You don't look like someone whose supposedly still dating the local hero and supposedly keepin' me on the back burner for later."

Damn, I'm mean. I don't know why I'm been so mean to the person I love most.

"I don't know how to talk to you when you're like this," Bella says, scowling at me now. "I mean, it's not even 3 o'clock and you can barely stand. You can blame me, if you want. You can blame the whole world, but if you think being drunk all the time is gonna make everythin' better then you're wrong. It's not cool or charming. It's just pathetic and gross."

And she's right. She's always right, and I'm being an asshole. A stupid, lazy, drunk, unmotivated, fearful asshole.

"Bella, I'm sorry."

"You know, one of these days, its just going to be one sorry too many." She looks so upset, I hate myself a little more.

"Bella," I say with an exhale. I tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. "I'm sorry that I keep doin' things that require me to say sorry."

Bella sighs, shakes her head, and looks up at me with those big brown eyes.

"Go home," she says, touching my arm. I smile dreamily because I love it when she touches me. "There's your brother, get him to take you home. Sober up, and I'll be at your place by seven-thirty for that meeting."

I nod, movin' to find my brother.

When Bella comes to get me, I somehow find myself in a state of dire drunkenness. I try to sober up with coffee and Mario Cart, but somehow end up upgrading from beer to shots instead. Emmett drinks with me, seeming to forget about my appointment like I wish I could.

I'm not goin'. I'm not in the mood to be jerked around.

Hopefully Bella will forget.

Except she comes in a moment later, dressed in jeans and a pretty blue top. Fuck, she just looks so damn beautiful. I want her more than anything, but that will probably never happen.

I bring a shot of tequila to my lips in an attempt to drown that depressing thought.

"Bella!" Em booms. "Come to join the party? You didn't happen to bring Rose with you, did yah? We're kinda in a fight right this moment."

That's probably why he's so eager to get drunk with me. Maybe he even mentioned something, but fuck if I can remember anything except how gorgeous Bella is.

"I want nothing to do with that particular fight. I don't particularly agree with Rose gettin' a job at the strip club, but there is no way you have the right to ban her from anything," Bella says, shaking her head.

I don't think she's seen me yet or she wouldn't be so not cranky.

"I don't want no greasy old men to be ogling my girlfriend!" Emmett shouts, almost falling off the stool he's sittin' on.

"Em, I'm not even going to point out how stupid that sounds given all the time you've spent at the Landing Strip, but she's goin' to be a waitress, not a stripper!"

"There is really no damn difference at a place like that."

"Em, there is a painfully obvious solution to this. You are aware that Rose is a damn good mechanic right? And that you just happen to own an auto shop?"

Emmett just blinks at Bella like the fool he is.

"Right," Bella says, turning away from my idiot brother. "Where's Edward?"

Her eyes land on me a second latter, and I struggle to get up from the couch.

"Hey," I say, movin' towards her.

"Edward!" she yells when I stumble as I stand in front of her. "You were supposed to be sobering up!"

"I'm fine," I insist, waving a hand dismissively at her.

"You're ten times drunker than when I sent you home!"

"That is debatable," I reply, grabbing her shoulders to steady myself.

"Why are you doin' this, Edward?" she asks with a groan. "Are you that scared?"

"I'm not scared of nothin'," I reply with a glare.

Except of losing her. Except of failing. Except of disappointing everyone that is stupid enough to care.

"Yes you are. Edward, the only thing gettin' in your way at this point is you. You deserve this. You do!"

I look away, not likin' what's coming out of her mouth.

"Why do you even care?" I ask, takin' a step back.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, there is no reason for you to care," I say, my voice rising as I go. "We aren't together. "

"How can you even say that? After everything that's happened? How can you possibly say that to me?" she asks. I can't tell if she sounds more hurt or angry, but I don't like either. I especially don't like that I'm the cause.

"I am just a fling to you," I accuse. I don't know where this is coming from, but I can't stop.

"You're not a fling," she insists.

"Then what's the problem?"

"You're the one with the problem!" she shouts. I take another step back.

"Am not."

"You scare me," she says finally. "You're Ed Cullen. You show up drunk everywhere, have rally girls do your homework, and don't go to class. And everyone may believe that's who you are, but you haven't fooled me. I know you are so much better than that. It's getting hard to take you seriously when you refuse to take yourself seriously."

"I am perfectly serious," I say lamely.

"No, you're just as scared as I am. The difference is I'm facing it at least. You're scared to get hurt, scared to want anything great because you're scared you can't keep it. But you have me, Edward, that's what you don't get. You have me even if the universe is keepin' us apart right now, you have me. Please don't screw it up the way you're screwing this up."

"I'll go," I say, stumbling over my feet as I try to grab my coat. "I'll go right now and I'll sign up for this nobody school. Will that make you happy? Will that make you see I'm so seriously in love with you?"

"That's not what I'm saying!" she shouts, putting her hands on my arms to keep me from leavin' or fallin' down or both. "It has to be for you. You have to realize that you deserve college and a bright future and good things. Just, come on."

She leads me to my bedroom, totally confusing me.

"What about the Bob?" I slur, not puttin' up any fight at all.

"There is no Bob tonight," she says, pushing on my shoulders to I lay down on my mattress. I close my eyes, smelling Bella and feeling happy for a minute.

"Go to bed," she murmurs, pullin' my boots off. As she pulls the sheet over me, I grab her wrist.

"Don't go," I beg, eyes already fluttering closed. Suddenly I crave sleep. It's nice to not have to think so hard for a little while.

She sits next to me, running my fingers through my hair. I sigh because it feels so good.

"I love you, Isabella," I mumble.

"I know you do," she whispers as I fall asleep. "I just want you to love yourself, too. That's all."

* * *

><p>35 Days<p>

Everything goes quiet when Jazz pushes out through that banner. The silencing of fifteen thousand fans is a pretty powerful thing. The announcer introduces him as the honorary team capital, and the rest of the team moves out around him as the applause starts. They chant his name, and even I tear up. I can see Bella cryin' out of the corner of my eye. I push him to the sidelines, and he stays in the very center of the huddle, leading our cheer.

"Clear eyes, full hearts," he shouts.

"Can't lose!" we reply.

It turns into a real good game for me. Newton plays like shit, running into his own protection. Scouts and the future gets into his head, and I pick up the slack. Coach starts deferring to me instead, and I get through like Newton can't.

What with our star running back playin' like its pee wee, the game is a lot closer than it should be.

I don't think about nothin' but doing my thing. There is no looming college scholarship, or love triangle, or betrayal. I play football, scoring touchdowns, makin' blocks, and breakin' tackles.

I run in all three of our touchdowns. I don't think I've ever played like this in my life.

Part of me thinks it's because Bella kicked my ass so thoroughly last night. Although I was pretty out of it, I remember parts that I don't necessary want to remember. She says I can be better. She sees my potential, and I guess it's time I start livin' up to it. Maybe I'll come to see what she sees in time.

I pushed myself today, and I'll try to get into college tonight.

"Y'all should be proud of yourselves," Coach says as we celebrate in the locker room. "And I don't know where in the hell he came from or how in the hell he pulled it out, but I know who this game ball goes to."

Coach hands it to me as everyone cheers.

They call for a speech, and as much as I hate it, as much as it makes me uncomfortable to be the center of attention like that, I do what's required of me.

"Well, I'm not very good at this kinda stuff, but here goes. Coach is always talkin' about one team and one heart. And to be honesty with you, I used to think that was pretty stupid. But he's right, like he is about most things. Everybody in this room knows who…" I trail off, needing a moment to collect myself before continuing. "Where we get our heart from. And he's sitting right there."

I give the ball to Jazz.

"I love you like a brother, Six," I tell him quietly.

We look at each other for a moment, both gettin' much more choked up than we're comfortable with.

"What the hell y'all staring at? Y'all played a hell of a game! Go party!" Jazz says, ending the moment. It was gettin' a little too tender in here for a locker room, and I'm glad.

As everyone slowly clears out, I shuffle into Coach's office. I need to fix this whole college thing, and he sure knows what he's talkin' about, recruiter wise.

"I did something stupid," I tell Coach. His face immediately goes from happy to pissed, and I cringe back, not wanting to upset after such a damn good game.

"Ah, hell, Cullen," he replies, poundin' a fist on his desk. "Was it somethin' illegal? I've heard quite a few stories about you, kid. Are the cops gonna come knockin' on my door on the eve of victory?"

I laugh, shakin' my head. There are quite a few stories about me.

"Naw, it's nothing like that." I take the seat across the desk from him as he continue to look at me with suspicion.

"Well, spit it out, son."

"You know how this Colorado school's been all interested in me?" I ask, runnin' my hands through my hair.

"Yeah. How'd that meetin' go? Can't believe I forgot to ask you about that one. I blame the brouhaha of homecomin'," Coach continues.

I blink at him for a moment because he said brouhaha, but then take a deep breath and press on.

"Well, see, about that. There wasn't actually a meetin'," I confess, feeling about two inches tall. "I didn't… I blew it off."

"Blew it off?" Coach says each word slowly, like he doesn't totally believe me. "Blew it off!" He's louder this time, pissed.

I look down in my lap and nod.

"I told you it was stupid. It just don't seem like it could ever actually happen. Me in college," I say. I don't like talkin' about this but I promised I do this. I promised I'd be better, try harder.

Coach lets out a big breath. "Well, that sure is stupid, Cullen. The way you've stepped up this season… it would be stupid for you not to play in college and even stupider for you not to go because of some sort of misguided inferiority complex."

I wince cuz he hits too close to home.

"Get up, son," he says, rising from the desk . "Let's go find Bob Meyer. No way he isn't lurkin' around after the game we played. I would say you're screwed but you played a near perfect game tonight. Let's see what we can do."

Bob is lurkin', just as Coach predicted. The two men shake hands, and I linger back, feelin' more uncomfortable and nervous than I ever have in my life. They start chattin' about the game, and I don't know if I should make myself known to fuckin' Bob.

Coach does it for me.

"No one played like Edward did," Coach says, nodding for me to join the conversation.

"You were spectacular, Mr. Cullen," Bob says, shaking my hand.

"Thanks," I murmur. Coach gives me a look, and I clear my throat before pushin' on. "Listen, I'm sorry about the meetin' last night. I could spin you some lie about why I couldn't make it, but honestly, it all just seems a little too good to be true. But I'm here now, and I'd really appreciate a second chance."

Coach nods approvingly. Bob looks thoughtful.

"You know, there aren't many second chances in football," Bob says. I think about Jazz and how much I wish we had a do over for that one. "But you played a hell of a game and Coach Embree called again yesterday, tellin' me to make you a priority."

"Really?" I blurt, sounding like a little kid. It's hard to believe that anywhere would want me, but Bob is standing right here, tellin' me different.

"Really. Why don't I get you a soda and we'll hash it all out."

"That would be… Yes. Yes, lets do that," I say, just so incredibly shocked that things seem tobe going my way.

"Wanna join us, Coach?" Bob asks.

I nod because it would sure be nice to have someone there who has my back,

"Don't mind if I do, Bob," Coach says, grinning. "In fact, I'll even drive."


	15. Bustin' Out

**As always, thank you so much for reading and the reviewing and whatnot. **

**Thanks to Stratan to the betaing and the advice.**

**I don't own nothin'.**

* * *

><p>"What in the world is going on in here?" I ask, placing my hands on my hips as I survey what's going on in Jasper's room at the rehab center. Both boys stop to gape at me, lookin' like little kids busted by the school teacher.<p>

Jasper is shirtless in his chair while Edward is shoving a t-shirt at him.

"I'm changing my shirt," Jasper tells me after gathering his wits for a moment. "I was all sweaty after my rehab exercises."

"Right. Then why do you two look so guilty?" I ask, scowling at Jazz. I try not to look at Edward. It's just too painful given our fights over the last few days. I really don't think Edward likes himself too much, and it just breaks my heart.

"Ed here is bustin' me out," Jazz says, grabbing the t-shirt and moving towards the bathroom.

"You can't do that," I say, uncomfortable at the thought of breaking the rules. "That's not allowed. You can't just leave, Jasper."

"Well, we're gonna do it anyway," he says. "We have things to celebrate. Ed will tell you about it. I gotta use the facilities."

I take a deep breath, turning to face Edward. I haven't been alone with him since he got drunk instead of going to his interview. But he did play amazingly last night. I considered sticking around to talk things out with him, but I figured he's right. I can't nag him until he does what I want him to do. We aren't together, and ultimately, I can't change who he wants to be, even if I think he could be so much more.

"What are you celebrating?" I ask, not totally knowing if I really want the answer.

"I got in," Edward says, rushing over to me. His eyes are bright with excitement, and so incredible different than he's been since the accident. "I'm in, college in. You don't believe me, but I sat down with Coach and the recruiter, signed some paperwork. There's more to do, and I don't know if I'll get a full scholarship or at least half yet, but I'm in. Bella, I'm gonna play football in college."

Still, I just stare blankly.

"Still nothing?" he asks when I don't respond. He doesn't get that I'm worried that he'll mess up his future again, that he is doin' this for the wrong reasons. I worry that I've pushed him into something I want for him but he really doesn't want for him. Who am I to make college his path?

"This isn't the time to talk about this, Edward," I say, thinkin' about Jasper in the bathroom.

"Just real quick, let me cover my bases," he says, actually bouncing on his toes in front of me. He is so happy, some of my fear disappears. "One, I'm sorry. Two, I mean it. I am really sorry for bein' a drunken idiot the last few days. Three, thank you because I would have never done it without you, so really, thank you. Four, come celebrate with us because this is all you're doin', and there is no one else I'd rather share it with. Five, why don't you answer your phone? I wouldn't be tellin' you all this is you'd have picked up last night. Six, I love you."

At that last one we both just stare at each other in horror.

"Fuck. Sorry. I know we have this unspoken pact not to say shit like that because it just makes it harder, but it's true. Don't forget, okay?"

I nod and smile, a little breathless. I've never really seen Edward like this, and I've never heard him talk so much so fast.

But then Jazz pushes out of the bathroom. The moment is over.

"So, did Cullen convince you, Bells?" he asks.

"Of what now?" I ask, blushing.

"To come out with us. Come on, be a rebel," Jasper says, grinnin'. And I really don't approve of Jazz sneaking out and spending time just the three of us is sure to get tricky, but I want to go. I want to be with my very best friends. I don't want to miss out anymore.

"Okay. I'm in. Let's do this."

* * *

><p>"Where are we going?" I ask when we finally get situated in Edward's truck. I'm in the middle. It feels like the physical manifestation of a lot of my problems since we were middle schoolers.<p>

It was incredibly easy to sneak out of the rehab center. I pointed this out and the boys laughed, tellin' me it's not jail. Edward would know, I suppose.

"The lake," Jasper says as we pull out of the parking lot.

"Which lake?" I demand, sharing a look with Edward. I don't like the thought of going all the way to the lake that Edward took me to this summer. It would just be too strange with Jazz with us.

"Dillon Lake, what do you think?" Jasper asks with a chuckle. "We're gonna steal my aunt's boat. This is a big day, Bells. Our Eddie is goin' to college!"

Jasper claps Edward on the shoulder. Edward grins ruefully, shakin' his head. I smile too because Edward is going to college.

He doesn't know that I applied to the University of Denver a month ago. I don't know how to tell him. Then again, I don't even really know where CU is, so the schools could be hours apart. My dream of being close to Edward probably won't come true, but I can't help but hope.

"We're gettin' booze first," Edward explains as he pulls up to a convenience store on the outskirts of town. He goes in, leaving Jasper and I in the truck.

"So how 'bout our boy, huh?" Jasper says, beaming. "I feel like a proud papa. What do you think, mama? You proud?"

I just nod because this whole thing is a little uncomfortable.

"Bella," he says, dropping his voice. I turn and jump in my seat, surprised to find him so close."You always smell so good."

My eyes go wide when I hear this.

"Thank you," I stutter, blushing and not knowing what else too say.

"Seriously," he says, getting his face even closer to my face. Jazz puts his hand on my thigh, and I really don't know what to do. For the past five weeks or so since the accident, he has been totally focused on his condition and rehab. Now he is acting like his same old self – before the accident and before we broke up – but we aren't an us like we used to be, and I don't know what to do. "I forgot how good you smell. How could I forget that? I think I need a little reminder of how you feel, too."

It's like I'm totally paralyzed. My brain is screaming at me, but I don't know how to do it without hurting him. He has already been so hurt, and I don't want to hurt him more.

It's stupid, and very bad, but I let him kiss me, just for a second. He closes his eyes, leans in, and presses his lips to mine, and I just blink at him.

I'll only let it go on for a second. Surely there isn't any harm in a friendly little kiss. But then he pushes his hands into my hair and pulls me closer.

This is getting a little too serious, and I reach up to remove his hands from around my face.

Of course it is this moment that Edward comes back. He pounds on the window, causing Jasper to finally stop touching me.

"I don't got money," Edward mutters, moving back towards the store.

"Same old Cullen," Jazz says with a laugh.

I slip out of the truck, rushing after Edward. He is staring intently at the beer selection, hands stuffed in to his pockets. He looks so unbelievably disheartened and downright pissed.

"Edward," I say, touching his arm. He pulls away, still not looking at me. "It was nothing."

He just snorts and shakes his head.

"He just moved in on me!" I continue, in full on freak out mode. Lately he's had trouble believing me when I say I want him, that I miss him, that I need him. What he just witnessed isn't helping at all. "Edward, I didn't know what to do."

"You tell him you're over and push him the fuck off you," Edward hisses, still not looking at me.

"But—"

"Bella, you can't keep us both hangin' here," he says, closing his eyes and running his hands through his hair. "And I fuckin' get it if you want to fuckin' go back to him, but you don't have to flaunt it in my goddamn face."

"Edward—"

"He's better than me," he yells, rounding on me now. I cringe back, not liking the dark look on his beautiful face. "Even with goin' to college. I know it's only been a couple days since you kicked my ass, but I want to be better. It'll take awhile, and why would you wait for me when he's right there?"

"Because he's not you!" I shout. "And I'm getting really tired of trying to convince you of my feelings."

"Actions speak louder than words, Miss Swan," Edward replies. I don't like the look he's giving me. Not one bit.

I let out a big huffing sigh, close my eyes and try to calm down.

"Listen, we just need to get through this day with Jazz, okay?" I say, pleading with Edward to keep his cool. I step in front of him and place my hand on his chest. After a moment's hesitation, he covers my hand with his and seems to relax, just a little. "We just have to get through today. Put everything aside and try to remember that we've all been friends forever and you're going to college."

"Yeah," he says. "I got in."

I beam at him now, so incredibly pleased that he seems so incredibly pleased. "I'm so happy for you," I say quietly. "I'm so proud of you."

He smiles back and we just stare at each other for a moment, the air between us charged. But then he frowns again, stepping around me to go back to staring at the beer selection.

"He's the last person you kissed," Edward murmurs.

"I didn't kiss him back," I insist, panicking at the thought that he might not believe me. "I didn't feel anything. It didn't mean anything."

He just shrugs.

I let out an irritated huff, glancing around to make sure we're alone and there is no possible way we can be seen through the windows. When I see we're in the clear, I get in between Edward and the beer and use his collar to pull his lips to mine. I kiss him, quick and hard.

When I begrudgingly stop touching him, Edward just grins down at me goofily

"Did you really need money or was that to just get me out of the situation?"

"I don't need money," Edward says, looking sheepish.

He makes his selection and we head out.

* * *

><p>"Do you know how great this is?" Jasper shouts at me over the sound of the air rushin' in through the open windows. "You, me, Cullen?"<p>

Both boys smile on either side of me as we barrel down the highway.

Somehow, out here, everything feels different. Edward and I really do manage to put everything aside and just enjoy.

"I know we're supposed to be celebratin' you, Ed," Jazz continues. "But I needed this. Hell, did I need this. Just the three off us out here where everythin' is pure. Nothin' like that circus of a homecoming."

I nod, just reveling in the feeling of contentment. It hasn't been an easy thing to hold on to for the last few months.

When we get to Lake Dillon, Edward and I get out of the truck and stand at the top of the steep embankment, looking down at the small dock and boat.

We glance at each other, not sure how we're gonna manage this. It is awkward again now that we have to figure out how to broach the whole subject of getting Jazz from all the way up here to all the way down there.

"Dude, you're gonna have to carry me," Jasper says from behind us in the car. I thought it would be hard for a guy like Jazz to admit to needing to be carried by his best friend but he sounds perfectly okay with that.

"You want me to carry your fat ass down this steep as fuck hill?" Edward clarifies.

Jasper laughs. "Unless you two want to go on out there and leave me here in this cab like some abandoned puppy."

Edward grumbles a lot, but I know he's not serious.

"How are you supposed to carry a team if you can't even carry me?" Jasper sasses Edward as we slowly make our way towards the lake. "But, you know, this is kinda nice. I think I should just ditch the chair and have you carry me everywhere."

I laugh, pleased that Jazz is finally to a place where he can be joking around. Edward just groans and moans as he get's Jazz in the boat. All I'm responsible for is the cooler.

As we all get settled, I purposefully sit away from Jazz but not too close to Edward. Jasper seems to pout at me for a moment but then Edward starts the motor on the boat and off we go. We just cruise along for awhile in silence until Edward finds a nice little spot where the water is mostly still and you can't really seen anything man-made.

We sip our beers and breathe in the clean air.

"I could be out here all night just listenin' to this… it's just… nothing at all." Edward leans back and closes his eyes. I smile softly at him as Jasper nods in agreement. I have to resist the urge to run my fingers through Edward's soft hair.

We don't go in until the sun starts to go down. It gets chilly so we get back to the dock and set up a nice fire pit on the shore. At one point, Jasper leans over out of his chair to touch my hair where I'm sitting wrapped in a blanket next to him. I get us all another beer and make sure to sit far enough away from him to make sure that won't happen again.

The rest of the night goes really well. We laugh about the past, talk about the foggy future, and don't linger on the hard parts.

And it feels good to be back here to this spot from our childhood with these two boys that I've known forever. For a moment, I let myself forget about the complications. For a moment, I let myself just be.

* * *

><p>I'm so sleepy when we get back to the rehab center sometime just after midnight, but Edward decides to walk Jazz to his room, and I don't feel like being alone.<p>

It was a good night. An amazing night, given the circumstances. It felt like the good old days, the three of us able to get together and just be. Somehow Edward and I – and even Jazz – managed to put everything aside. We laughed and talked, and it was unbelievably wonderful.

Edward and I walk on either side of Jasper as we mosey down the abandoned hall towards his room. I ask Jazz how much trouble he'll be in for skipping out, but he just brushed it off. He probably has all of the nurses and staff thoroughly charmed, so it won't be so bad.

Edward catches my eye, smiling at me as he holds open the door. I follow Jasper and blush slightly, biting my lip as his gaze hits me up.

I frown when I see Jasper's roommate, Peter, lifting weights by the window. The two apparently have just about the same injury, but Peter got hurt six years ago. I asked Jazz why he's at the rehab center. He explained that it's just for a 'tune up', whatever that even means. He's really a rather vulgar person, but he has really helped Jasper with the realities of this new life, and for that, I'm thankful.

Peter doesn't like me, but I can't figure out why.

He calls me little miss perfect, and not in a friendly joke type way. He made fun of me when I brought Jazz a banner signed by all the cheerleaders and rally girls. He snorted when I brought pictures from Jasper's room at home to make the space more personal. He told me not to be such a marshmallow.

I'm a perfectly nice person. Why doesn't he like me?

"Well looky here," he says, turning towards us. "I'm surprised you ain't bein' dragged back here in cuffs, butsin' out like you did. You had half the female staff in a right tizzy, worryin' about you."

Jazz just rolls his eyes and shakes his head, chuckling at his roommate.

"And I'm genuinely surprised by your unlawful behavior, little missy," Peter continues, setting down his massive weights. "It's abhorrent, really, that a lady of your caliber would be an accomplice in such a scandalous outing."

"Don't start, Pete," Jasper says. "We had a grand old time celebratin' my man Edward's college acceptance."

"Oh, so this is the infamous EC," Peter says. "You're taller than I thought you'd be."

Edward just scowls.

"Right, y'all haven't met," Jasper says, seemingly oblivious to the tension. "Peter, that's my best buddy Edward. Ed, that's Peter."

Neither move to shake hands. Both just stare each other down. It's rather uncomfortable.

"The two of you make a pretty picture," Peter says with a smirk. "Standing side by side in that door way."

I look down to hide my blush. The way he says _two of you _makes me nervous and reminds me that I'm guilty. But it's irrational. How could Peter have any clue about my guilt?

"Don't, Peter," Jasper says, his voice serious and commanding now. The way he was jovial just a minute ago makes me nervous too.

Awkward silence follows.

"Well," Edward finally says. "We should probably get out of here before your nurses run us out."

"Today was great, Jazz," I say, approaching him to give him a hug. He kisses my cheek before releasing me. "I hope you don't get in too much trouble."

"It's fine. See y'all late," replies Jasper.

Edward claps him on the shoulder, not saying anything. He holds the door open for me, and I give Jazz a final little wave.

I stop for a minute when Peter smirks at me as I leave. "You two have a lovely evenin'," he says. "Don't y'all do anythin' I wouldn't do."

Edward glares at Peter, Peter glares right back, and we leave.

That last interaction is ruining our otherwise perfect day. It leaves me feeling uneasy.

"Edward," I say as we get outside and walk towards our cars parked on the street. "Do you think he knows?"

"Do I think who knows what?" he asks. We stop on the sidewalk, facing each other. He looks down at me with a raised eyebrow, and I can't really believe he doesn't know what I'm talkin' about.

"It's like Peter somehow knows about us," I say, realizing I sound like a paranoid loon. I cross my arms over my chest and work my bottom lip. "I just got this feeling. He knows. I know he knows."

"Bella," he says, putting both his big hands on my shoulders. "No one knows, especially that asshole. Dude is a complete dick, and I really did not like the way he was talkin' to you, but that don't mean he knows."

I just huff and stare pleadingly up at him.

"Baby," he says softly, his voice sending a shiver down my spine. "This was a good day. Just let it be a good day."

I begrudgingly nod, hating that he's right.

"You're beautiful," he says, using his thumb to remove my lip from between my teeth.

"So are you," I reply.

He rolls his eyes. "Someday I'm gonna be able to kiss you whenever I want," he murmurs.

"Someday I'm gonna let you," I reply.

Edward lets out a frustrated sigh before pulling me into a hug. I close my eyes, wrap my arms around his waist, and melt into his chest as he cradles my head. The contact lasts longer than it should, and Edward rocks us back and forth for a moment before releasing all of me except for one hand.

We linger like that, both turned towards our vehicles but looking longingly at each other and holding hands.

He seems to have forgotten the unfortunate kiss. I wanted to talk it out with him, but decide it's best not to remind him.

"I should go," I say.

"Me too," he agrees.

"Then let go of me," I reply.

"You let go of me."

"This is gettin' disgusting."

We both count to three before letting go at the same time. I go home wishing he was with me. I think he's probably feelin' the same.

* * *

><p><strong>So E &amp; B might end up in Colorado. I just can't help but sneak in my home state somehow. <strong>

**What are we thinking?**

**Let me know and review!**


	16. The Knowing

**Things get rough again in this one, just to let you know.**

**The reviews, recommendations, favorites, alters, all of it is just amazing. Thanks for reading.**

**Stratan is amazing too. **

**Neither Twilight nor Friday Night Lights belong to me. Alas.**

* * *

><p>"So you headin' out with us? I don't gotta tell you what a big deal Gatlin is in a week," Newton says, clappin' Jazz on the back as we all sit around and eat barbeque in the cafeteria. This week is a bye week, so the town is thowin' some sort of charity function to distract themselves from the fact that there is no football for another whole seven days.<p>

I don't actually know what the PTA and the boosters are raising money for this time. All I had to do is show up, fork over seven bucks, stand on stage, and look pretty.

There is a lot of shop talk – as usual – and I don't really listen too intently. Instead I work hard at starin' at Bella while makin' sure it doesn't look like I'm starin' at Bella. Also as usual.

She's in her cheerleading uniform just like I'm in my football jersey. We seem to be divided along gender lines tonight, just like the good old second grade. This is both a good thing in that I don't have to deal with Lauren and the others, and a bad thing in that Bella is too far away.

Things have been different since our day on the lake with Jazz. I can't really describe it because on the surface nothing has changed– I still don't see her at all outside of school or the rehab center and I still can't touch her the way I want – but I guess I just feel better about it.

I'm goin' to college, Bella loves me, and I've found a little peace in that.

"No, man. The lovely people at the rehab place barely let me out for shit like this. No way an away game in the ghetto is happenin'. Ain't you from Gatlin, Newton?" Jazz asks, pushing his cleared plate away and rubbing his belly with satisfaction. "Is it weird to be goin' home?"

"Naw," Newton says dismissively. "I'm a Dillon Panther, through and through."

Most of the guys raise their glasses to the sentiment.

"Glad there's someone left with a little loyalty," Jasper mutters, looking down. Pretty much everyone else has moved on, but I hear my friend, loud and clear. I stare him down, hoping to learn something from his face.

He quickly lifts his head and joins back in the conversation, makin' a joke that everyone finds hilarious.

A tiny trickle of trepidation seems to go up my spine.

I go back to lookin' at Bella, maybe to calm me down, maybe to ease my fears, definitely because she's breathtakingly beautiful. Rose leans close to Bella's ear, whispering something that makes my girl throw her head back and laugh. I smile because she looks genuinely happy.

It looks like she's felt that shift, too.

She catches my eye and returns my smile. We only share the gaze for a moment before looking away, but when I turn back towards Jazz he is scowling.

Fuck, I must just be pickin' up on Bella's general paranoia. There is no way he could possibly know. No one knows – with the exception of Rose and Em who obviously can keep a secret.

There is no possible way that Jasper knows about the thing – whatever the fuck you want to call it – between me and Bella.

Right?

Right.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Later – after we do the pep rally, pump the town up bit and the principal announces how much money we raised for whatever charity – the kids find their way into the gym. The boys bust out some dodge balls and start wailing on each other. The cheerleaders run around, shriekin' and demandin' attention. I hit Newton right in the nose, which is awfully satisfying, but then Lauren and a couple rally girls gang up on me. I see Bella sitting at the top of the pushed in bleacher, swingin' her pretty little legs.

This seems like a good moment to talk to her.

"Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" she says with a giggle when she spots me loitering underneath her.

"If you think I know the next line from that, you're crazy," I tell her, crossing my arms over my chest as I smirk up at her.

"Oh, come on, college boy," she replies. "At least tell me you know the play."

I roll my eyes because everyone knows the play.

"What you doin' up there, Swan?"

She looks out over the gym. I follow her gaze to see Newton tackle Lauren and Jessica onto a pile of mats.

"Watching the mating ritual. I swear, sometimes I think high school is just one big mating ritual."

I chuckle at this, shaking my head at her because I only half agree with her.

"It's not just that. It's football, too. The occasional romance. And don't you even argue with me on that one. It's most definitely different than the mating ritual part," I tell her.

She smiles softly down at me, and I feel like my heart is swelling a little in my chest.

"Can we go outside?" she murmurs. "I want to talk to you about something."

"Is it bad?" I say, cringing.

"No," she says. "Quite the opposite, I think."

I nod towards the doors. She struggles to climb down the side. I kinda wanted to tell her to jump, and that I would catch her, but that didn't seem too wise given our current audience. I do offer her my hand when she gets closer to the ground bein' as I'm a gentleman and what not.

She gives my hand a squeeze before she drops it. I follow her outside.

We sit on the raised concrete edge of a flowerbed. Her arms are bare, and I worry that she's cold, but it's not too chilly yet. If I mentioned anything, she'd tease me, sayin' that I fret like a grandma.

It's funny because she's the champion fretter.

"So what's goin' on?" I ask when we get settled.

Bella lets out a breath, turning to sit cross-legged and facing me.

"I think the universe wants us to be together," she says, speaking quickly. Sure enough, her lip goes between her teeth, so I know she's nervous.

"The universe, huh?" I ask.

She just nods a lot.

Using my thumb I remove that lip from those teeth.

"This sounds like some hippy shit," I muse. "You've been spendin' too much time with Rose. And Alice too, come to think of it."

She shoves me in the shoulder.

"I'm serious," she says, sounding pretty serious. "The universe, Edward. The universe."

"Okay. That sounds nice, I guess. The universe wants us to be together," I agree. Bella just goes back to noddin' and lip bitin'. I sigh because she isn't doin' a very good job of talking to me. "Why exactly do you say the universe want us to be together?"

She takes another big breath.

"So, do you remember that time, a couple weeks after the accident, when we really weren't talking? Like at all?" she asks, speaking all fast again. I nod even as I wince, wishing I haven't been acting like such a dick lately. "Well, I talked to Ms. Platt."

I just stare, havin' know idea who the hell she's talking about.

"The guidance counselor? Come on, Edward," she says with a groan. I just shrug. She mutters under her breath before continuing. "Anyway, I talked to her because the whole country recently opened up to me as college options, and I told her what I want to study and what kind of school I'm looking for. She gave me this list to check out and names of people to talk to the schools about."

This is a lot of rambling. I have no idea where she's goin' with this, but I really don't want to think about next year. It's like we have no time, between the current situation and college next year.

"What kind of school are you looking for?" I ask because it seems like she needs a break.

"Good writing program, good education program, decent sized but not too big, in a small city because I've never done that before but not too far nature, and with a lot of opportunities to study abroad," she lists. It's a little alarming, how much she's thought about this.

I nod and she continues on with whatever she wants to tell me.

"Well, one of the schools she suggested was the University in Denver," she says, sounding nervous again.

And the lip is between the teeth.

I really don't like how she's nervous to talk to me. We've always been pretty good at the talking thing.

Wait.

Denver?

As in Colorado?

"As in Colorado?" I ask, somewhat dumbfounded.

"Yes, silly," Bella replies with a heavy sigh. "Where else?"

"I don't know," I mutter. "Denver, Oklahoma?"

"Does that even exist?"

"I dunno."

"We're really getting away from the point here."

I just nod in agreement, still not totally absorbing what she's saying.

"Colorado?" I repeat.

"Yes."

"Near where I'll be in Colorado?" I clarify.

"Yes. Less than a forty minute drive," she says. As I get more excited, she gets more nervous, it seems, and I don't really understand it.

"So next year…" I say, speaking slowly.

"I haven't decided anything. I don't even know if I'll get in. And I don't want to put any pressure on you because it's crazy to take us into consideration when picking a college because we haven't officially dated even, but…"

"But what?" I say, kinda hoping she takes us in to consideration when she picks a college.

"But it's a positive, isn't it? I mean, I don't want you to feel like this means we are gonna be together forever or anything. And I don't want to get in the way of your college life—"

"Bella," I say, interrupting her. "You're ridiculous. The biggest downside to goin' to college in the first place is bein' away from you. We'll figure it out, okay?"

"Okay," she says quietly. Her smile is soft, and I return it because there is a real possibility of hope here.

Both Bella and I turn at the sound of the gym doors slamming open. Jasper appears, quickly makin' his way towards us. I don't know if I've seen him move quite so fast since the accident.

"Hey, Jasper," Bella calls. "Did you get tired of the ridiculousness in there, too?"

He doesn't say anything, and I'm a moron because I don't notice that there's anything wrong till gets real close. I can see the fire in his eyes.

He punches me right in the eye. That's when I really get that somethin' is wrong. Bella squeaks as I fall off the wall, totally shocked as I hit the ground.

"Get up, Cullen!" he screams, pushing at me as I try to get up. "Come on, you coward. Get up and fight me!"

I finally scramble to my feet and stumble away from him. My shock makes it difficult to stay on my feet, but I manage. He continues to come at me but I'm on the grass now, making it harder for him to get close.

There is really only one thing that this could be about, but I don't want to accept it.

"You steal my girl but you're not ready to fight me!" he screams. I've never seen Jazz like this. Not even when the refs fucked us over, and we lost to Arnett Mead our sophomore year.

He knows. I don't know how he knows, but he knows. I just stare at him in horror, not having the slightest idea what to do. I cover my eye because it stings.

"Jazz—" Bella tries.

"Don't you dare, Bella," Jasper cuts her off, snapping at her. I don't like it at all, but this seems like a bad time to say anything. "Don't you fucking dare!"

Bella shuts right up because everyone knows Jazz don't feel right about cussin' at the ladies.

"Jay..." I don't know what to say. There is nothing to say. I can hardly deny it, but I don't have an explanation other than my lovin' her. I don't think he wants to hear that right now.

"You'll steal a cripple's girl but you won't fight a cripple?" he asks as I move farther away to stand on a large, decorative boulder. I look down because he's right. I'm basically hiding from him, camped out where he can't get to me.

My eye fuckin' hurts, and I can't hit him back – wouldn't given the situation even if he wasn't in the chair – so I just stand here, feelin' like the lowest of the low.

"You're a coward, Cullen," he says, his voice low and dangerous now. It's almost worse than the yelling. "Always will be."

And with that, he leaves, moving quickly around the building towards the front. I feel Bella's gaze on me, but I don't look up.

I can't look up.

Bella lets out a little sob before following Jasper.

I crouch down, fisting my hands in my hair and closing my eyes. The pain from the spot where he hit me is dwarfed by the pain radiating from everywhere else.

* * *

><p><strong>How did he know? Any guesses? Review if you feel so inclined.<strong>


	17. Different For Girls

**Wow, lots of new readers joining the party after that last one. Welcome!**

**I couldn't keep you waiting too long, what with the way the last chapter ended.**

**The usual thank yous (readers, reviewers, Stratan) apply, as does the usual disclaimer. **

* * *

><p>"Bella? Honey?" My mom cracks open my bedroom door, letting in a little light. It's way too much, and I pull my blanket over my head. My black out curtains have been pulled tight over my windows for the last two days.<p>

"What, Mom?" I ask, my voice croaky with disuse.

I haven't said much since Mr. Whitlock kindly prevented me from going into Jasper's room Saturday morning.

He won't listen to me. How am I supposed to make it better if he doesn't listen to me? Maybe nothing will make this better right now.

I haven't talked to Edward. I just don't know what to say.

I've never seen Jazz like that, and it terrified me. And even though I tried not to think about it, part of me has always known that he would take it badly, that it would devastate him. But I still didn't anticipate the extent of his anger.

Jasper punched Edward, and I hated it.

Moping might be a little dramatic, but I just don't have the energy to face it.

I've tried to be strong, ever since this terrible thing happened to Jazz, hell, even since Charlie cheated, but it's like all the bad I've attempted to ignore is just suffocating me. After my feeble attempt to talk to Jazz on Saturday, I just gave up. I crawled into bed, and all I've managed to do is sleep all weekend.

"You've got school in an hour, sweetie," she says. I feel her sit at the edge of my bed, her hand going to my back, and I just snuggle deeper into my pillows. "Are you planning on getting up?"

She is using her soft, would be soothing voice. I hate her soft, would be soothing voice.

I grumble at her incomprehensibly and hold tighter to my blankets.

"What's wrong?" Renee asks, apparently losing patience with me. "Are you sick? How worried should I be here?"

"I'm just not feeling very good, Mom," I tell her. "Give me one day. I'm sure all be back to normal tomorrow."

"Okay," she says, obviously not buying my excuse. "But if I'm letting you stay home than you're going to need to answer a few questions."

I groan at her incomprehensibly this time.

"Dose this have anything to do with Jasper? Because he stormed into the cafeteria, insisting his parents take him home. And then I heard from Mrs. Stanley that Edward was sporting a black eye. Rumor is Jasper gave it to him. Does this have anything to do with that?"

I peak out at her, staring for a moment in horror. If my mom knows that much, I bet the entire school knows the whole sad story.

Oh God. Everyone is going to hate me.

I cheated on the injured town hero and everyone in Dillon is going to hate me. And they are probably right. I deserve to be hated.

Yeah, so not going to school today.

"I'm just sick, Mom," I mutter, going back to hiding. She leaves after sighing a lot a few minutes later. I go back to bed.

* * *

><p>My dreams are nice. I'm with Edward and happy. I'm back at the lake with both Edward and Jazz. There is no hurt.<p>

But then Rosalie and Alice wake me up. The pair of them are a lot less nice than Renee. Rose rips open my blackout curtains as Alice pulls off my blankets. I groan and burrow under my pillow before Rose takes that away too.

I look up at Rose, impatiently wiping the tears from my eyes. She looks down at me with sympathy for a moment before crawling in next to me and pulling my head to rest on her shoulder. I hug her back, crying a little harder.

Alice sits at the end of the bed, waiting until I calm down to say anything.

"What happened?" she murmurs. I pull away from Rose and sit up against the headboard, wiping my nose with the back of my hand.

"Jasper knows," I mumble, rubbing my eyes. "I don't know how he knows, but he does. God, he was so angry and hurt, and he hit Edward. It was just so scary. I never wanted him to know, but of course he was going to find out, but I wanted it to be me tellin' him like we originally planed before everything got so much harder."

"And when exactly did you start sleeping with your boyfriend's best friend?" Alice demands. I cringe away a little, hearing the disapproval in Alice's voice. She's angry. At me. I don't know why I was expecting her to understand. She's closer with Jazz anyway.

Than why is she here?

"Ex-boyfriend," Rose corrects.

"Did you just come over here to judge me?" I demand. "To make me feel worse? Well, take your best shot, Alice. I don't think it's possible to feel any worse or guilty or low. There is nothing you could possibly say about me that I haven't already thought."

Alice seems to deflate, her shoulder slumping.

Rose tenses next to me, but I'm too nervous to ask why.

"I'm sorry," Alice murmurs. "It's just… he's already been through so much, Bella."

Now it's my turn to deflate.

"I know," I say. "I know, I know. And that's why Edward and I decided to stop after Jazz got hurt. But I'd already broken up with Jazz by then. Except he refused to tell anyone about it."

Now Alice just looks confused.

This is so embarrassing. I blush scarlet as I tell Alice what she obviously wants to know.

"This summer," I say, answering her earlier question. "Right around when you moved here, Charlie did something that really shook me up," I start. That's where the story starts for me. It was right when we met for Edward.

"I heard," Alice says, wincing. "In this fucked up town, you hear things even if you don't I want to."

My heart stops a little as I anticipate how terrible it's going to be when some version of the truth becomes widely known in Dillon.

I'm going to be burned at the stake.

Edward will be fine. The team will give him a hard time, but he'll win them all back if he keeps playing like he has been playing this season. He's bad boy Edward Cullen, and the whole town has come to expect this sort of behavior, even if they will be momentarily scandalized.

It's different for girls.

"Jasper left right after. It was a spur of the moment thing, and I'm not blaming him, but Edward was there," I say, so ashamed. Because the cheating part was bad. I can't manage any real regret about the loving Edward part, but we did something shady to someone we care about.

"And you started sleeping with him, and you figured out that he's always loved you. Then Jazz came back and things got complicated," Alice supplies.

"How do you know that?" I ask.

Alice just shrugs. "It wasn't that hard to figure out."

"We stopped sleeping together after the accident, but my feelings haven't changed. I love him, Alice," I say, still feeling a little sick with the knowledge that my very private life is about to be scrutinized by all of Dillon. "Jasper and I were comfortable together for awhile, but we had our issues. Major issues that I wanted to discuss but he refused to see any of them. Edward wasn't the reason Jasper and I didn't work. He just made me see our problems quicker."

Alice nods. I don't even know why I'm defending myself to her, but this feels like my one opportunity to do so. Defend myself, I mean. At least this one person will understand. No one else will.

"You're mad at me," I say when Alice doesn't reply.

"No, not really," Alice say, wringing her hands. "Not anymore. That two sides to every story thing really is true, huh? I've just seen him, and he's so distraught. So yeah, I was mad when I came over here, but mostly I just wanted to understand how this could happen."

"It's an impossible situation that has just gotten a whole lot worse," I agree.

"I'm sorry both of you are going through this," she says.

"Yeah," Rose says. I was a little amazed that she stayed silent as long as she did. "And I've gotta give you a heads up, Bells. It's bad. Really bad. Everyone knows. No details or anything, but apparently some of the guys went up to the center on Saturday to see Jasper tearing down anything that reminds him of you and Edward. After people heard about Ed and Jasper fighting, it was enough that even the football players could put it together and immediately tell every one."

"There are a lot of rumors," Alice says. "A lot of talking. None of it's good."

"Was Edward at school?" I ask through my most recent round of tears.

"Yeah," Rose says. "He kept his head down. No one's going to fuck with Edward Cullen, but…"

"Everyone's going to fuck with me," I reply, trying to mentally prepare myself. "Tomorrow's going to be bad, isn't it?"

Alice and Rose nod silently. Despite my assurances that I'm fine' they both decide to spend the night and go with me to school in the morning.

* * *

><p>It's as bad as we all thought it was going to be.<p>

Everyone stares on Tuesday morning as I walk into the school with Rose and Alice on either side of me. I study the ground but I can feel there eyes on me.

It's worse than when Charlie got slapped at church. It's worse than anything I could imagine. I hate having their eyes on me and I'm mortified.

When we get inside, someone has taped a picture of Jazz, Edward, and me on my locker. I'm in the middle, they both have their arms around me. Someone gave me devil horns and blacked out my eyes.

Rose lets out a growl as she rips off the picture, crumpling it in her hand. She barks something at a random freshmen who just happened to look at the wrong moment. I don't hear anything specific.

They hate me.

They think I'm a whore.

Everyone knows I've had sex. Sweet, good-girl Bella is obviously no more.

* * *

><p>We make the mistake of deciding to eat in the cafeteria instead of going out. I get there first. Alice and Rose are nowhere in sight. I might be imagining it, but I swear a hush goes over the room when I enter it and everyone stares.<p>

I rush to an empty table in the back, keeping my head down.

Rose says I need to stand up straight, walk proud, look them in the eye and dare them disrespect me. I remind her that I'm not her and that I'm in fact me. It's like their judgments are weighing on me, making it physically impossible to do anything but cower.

My guilt is compounded by their opinions, and it's suffocating me.

I've always heard how cruel high-schoolers can be. I just never experienced it first hand.

Two guys I recognize but don't know because they don't play football slide into the bench seats across from me.

"Hey, what's up, baby?" the one with shaggy brown hair says.

I cringe back, already not liking where this is headed.

The chubby one with red hair leans forward, grinning at me. Everything about him is slimy.

"I'm having a party," he says. "You should come."

"Oh, well, that's nice but—" I attempt to get them to leave, but the shaggy one talks over me.

"We should kick it," he says. "Like a football, baby."

That's the second time he's called me baby. They are both really unattractive and far too forward. There is only one reason for their behavior.

Bella Swan is now considered a loose woman.

"We're gonna have a little pool party," the chubby one continues. It's like the pair of them choreographed this little routine. "A little suds and buds. You know what I'm talkin' about."

"No," I say, shaking my head and trying to summon a little strength but it's like I have nothing left to give.

"Everybody's cool with your little _trip_," says shaggy. "If that's what you're into."

I turn beat red and study my meal.

"I'm not one to judge," says chubby. "It's great."

"I love it," continues shaggy.

I try to tap into my anger, anything to get them to leave, but when I open my mouth nothing comes out.

Both shaggy and chubby stop abruptly, looking at something right behind me. I close my eyes because I know without having to turn around exactly who has come to my rescue. I'm just not sure if it's a good or bad thing.

"What's up, EC?" shaggy mutters weakly.

I glance back to see Edward giving the pair of boys the death glare. It even scares me a little and both boy's scramble up, grabbing their lunch trays. Edward glares at them until they scamper off.

I let out a sigh of relief before tensing all over again when Edward takes their seat.

"What are you doing?" I ask. "Don't you know you've just sat down with the school slut?"

Edward glares at me for a moment before closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. He hangs his head.

"Please don't say that," he murmurs.

"Why not? That's what everyone else is saying."

"I would do anything to change this if I could," he tells me.

"There's nothing to do," I say, very aware that everyone's attention is firmly on us. I can hear them whisper. "I've just got to weather it."

"_We_ have to weather it," he corrects. And I know what he wants. He wants us to be together now that everyone knows. He wants to isolate us from everyone, defy everyone, and I'm envious of that. It's not that simple for me. I can't explain why, but it just isn't.

It would break us. Dillon would break us.

"No, just me, Edward," I say, looking down again at my untouched food.

Rose sits next to Edward while Alice sits next to me.

"You're making it worse, Edward," Rose says, his voice harsh and low. Edward glances around, his face falling as he realizes that she's right. He's totally making it worse.

"We need to finish this conversation, Bella," he says as he stands.

I can't bear to watch him go, so I once again stares at my untouched meal. It's definitely going to remain that way.

Rose rubs my back, and I try not to cry.

* * *

><p>"Boys are different than girls," Rosalie says, attempting to soothe me as we make our way to the locker rooms after school on Wednesday. "They got their anger out, defended the dignity of their quarterback – or former quarterback. It's over now, Bella, and Edward is fine."<p>

"Fine!" I snap. "He was in his truck when a bunch of Panthers smashed all his windows in with bats! How does that equate to fine?"

Rose heard the ruckus and saw the aftermath. She was at the Cullen's house when Edward was ambushed in his own driveway. By his own teammates! It's horrifying. Edward wouldn't even give names. He probably wouldn't have told anyone if Em and Rose didn't hear it happen.

"Well, if you're so concerned than you should just call him," Rose replies. "It's exhausting the way the pair of you mope around. I swear it's like the end of summer all over again."

"I can't call him," I mutter.

"Why the hell not?"

"I just can't." I know my reply is pretty lame, but how am I supposed to explain it to Rose when I can barely even explain it to myself. It may not be the most logical defense mechanism, but avoiding Edward is all I've got.

"He really is okay," Rose whispers, keeping her voice low now that we are in the locker room with a bunch of girls who have now disowned me, many of whom have called me a slut in the last two days. "Look, I've gotta go talk to Coach Kent. I'll see you out there, okay?"

I nod and when I turn towards my locker, everyone has mysteriously disappeared.

That's very weird, the way its silent in here all of the sudden. Girls are normally so chatty. With great caution I move towards my locker.

I'm not surprised when I see the word WHORE written across my locker in big red letters. It's lipstick, and around the offensive word is the number 33.

Edward's number.

I'm late to practice because I have to wash it off before the sentiment becomes imprinted on both my locker and my soul.

Lauren drops me at practice. I shove her, fighting back for the first time even if its minor. Rosalie jumps right in, full on tackling Lauren and giving her a few good pops in the face before being dragged away by the rest of the team.

Rose gets suspended for two days.

I didn't know it was possible to feel worse.

Jasper comes home today. Part of me wants to go see him, but nothing I have to say will make it any better. All I can do is pray that he's okay.

* * *

><p>I sit alone on the bus ride to Gatlin on Friday.<p>

Everyone crowds into the back so there are four our five empty rows between us. It's like the rest of the team can't be far enough away from me. Unfortunately they talk loudly and their voices carry so I hear every cruel word, despite the distance.

"My guess is EC banged the balance right out of her," Lauren says as they discuss my "fall" the other day. The girls around her snicker in response.

I crouch lower in my seat, wishing I could disappear. I can't imagine a more embarrassing or horrifying situation.

For the first time I wonder how Barbara Denali felt. Of course she was the one to make it public, but she must have been so hurt to let her rage get in the way of good sense. She's still labeled a whore while Charlie's sins have been totally forgotten.

It's so unfair how it's different for girls.

"She should give us a few tips on sexual positions. Or maybe we should just ask Eddie," Lauren continues.

I dig through my bag, sighing in relief when I find my iPod. I wasn't sure if I remembered to bring it. I put my headphones in my ears and turn the volume way up.

* * *

><p>"So which Panther's next, huh?" Lauren says just after kickoff. "Eeney, meeney, miney, moe. You sure get around, girl."<p>

"Shut up, Lauren," Angela says, totally exasperated. "I'm tired of hearing about it. Just let it go. The only reason you're being such a bitch is because you're jealous that Edward hasn't glanced your way since sophomore year."

Lauren turns bright red and sputters a little.

I smile gratefully at Angela. She's always been the kindest of the cheerleader crowd. Angela smiles back at me apologetically.

Gatlin is a rough team. Every hit seems harder and ever point is a battle. Edward and the rest of them have a tough time getting anywhere. It's tied at the half. Nothing much changes during the third either. With two minutes left in the fourth Edward finally gets through. Everyone on our side goes crazy as he narrows in on the end zone.

But then a truly and startlingly giant individual tackles him.

And he doesn't get up for a minute. My heart seems to stop.

"Oh, your boy is down, Bella," some girl jeers from the stands behind me. "You gonna go kiss it better?"

I ignore them, my eyes totally focused on Edward lying on the field.

I don't really breathe until he slowly gets up. He rubs at his shoulder as Newton walks him off the field.

He's okay. Even if he's a little banged up, he's okay. I'm so overjoyed it's easier to ignore the cat calls behind me.

"Hey, Bella, does Cullen prefer boxers or briefs?"

It's just getting so ridiculous, and I don't really think as I yell over my shoulder.

"Shut up, you dumb bitch. Wouldn't you like to know?"

I think I'm more startled by my words than the girl is, but at least she shuts up.

Edward runs back onto the field, even after getting hurt, and he's met with back slaps and hand shakes in the huddle. On the next play he forces his way into the end zone, and all the Panther fans just go crazy. I'm one of them because there is very little that makes me happier than to see Edward do well.

I think about Jasper and how it must seem like Edward has everything he once did. Football, college, me. It makes me feel guilty in this moment of celebration.

The Panthers manage to hold off Gatlin for the remaining time, and the Panther fans rush the field. This is quite the rivalry, and we needed the win to secure our place in the approaching playoffs.

I linger on the sidelines, watching people hug and congratulate Edward. I wish I was one of them.

I wish it was that easy for me, but I am nothing but happy for Edward.

We stay in a hotel that night. Angela switches out of Lauren's room to stay with me, so it's not bad. Edward is one floor below, and I stay up all night thinking about it.

* * *

><p>On Saturday morning, I sit parked across from Jasper's house. When I arrive, he seems to be having a race down the street with a neighborhood boy on a bike. Jazz loses, but not by much. It makes me think that he might have lost on purpose, just to let the little kid have a win.<p>

It's a very Jazz thing to do.

When he says goodbye to the boy and turns back towards his house, he recognizes my car and pauses for a minute before making his way over to me.

"Hey," I say when I get out of my car. It's October now and a little blustery. I hold my hair back so it doesn't get in the way of looking at him.

"Hey," he replies.

I didn't really have a plan after the greeting so awkward silence ensues.

"So you're home now," I say. "That's good."

"What do you want, Bella?" he demands. For a moment, it looked like we were going to have a good chat but the anger is back. I can't really blame him for that.

"To talk to you," I reply. "To apologize."

He snorts at this, shaking his head a little as he glares up at me.

"To apologize for what exactly? Hookin' up with my best friend the moment I lost my legs?" he asks.

There doesn't seem to be a point in correcting him. Because it wasn't like that. Not at all.

"I'm sorry you got hurt. I am so sorry," I say because I mean it. "I never wanted to hurt you."

"But you're not sorry for sleepin' with Cullen? Sleepin' with my best friend?" He's yelling again, and I wince because I'm not sorry for that.

I open my mouth but nothing comes out.

"You're fucking unbelievable," he continues. "Just leave, Bella."

I turn and get in my car. I reach out to close the door when Jasper's voice stopped me.

"He came to see me, you know," Jasper says, his voice low and sad now. "A couple days ago. He wouldn't apologize for sleepin' with you either. Just the same bullshit 'I'm sorry.' He told me that you're having a rough go of it at school. Asked me to do somethin' to stop it. To call off the hounds."

I look at him, his face cold and angry again.

"I don't particularly like it either, but there's nothin' I can do," he says, moving in reverse away form me. "You made your bed."

I manage to get the door closed before I start blubbering.

It seems the one good thing I can do for Jasper is to stay away from him.

The rest of my Saturday is spent diving around and thinking. I ended up at places that remind me of Edward. The dive bar, his own personal golf course, across the street from his house.

It's creepy, but I can't help it. I want to feel close to him again, but I just don't know how with things the way they are now.

I get home late, unsurprised to see that no one's home. Knowing my parents, they probably aren't even together, wherever they are. Things haven't been great with them, but I'm too exhausted to really think about.

I feel like I've reached my limit of what I can deal with here.

I don't bother keeping my footsteps light as I trudge up the stairs and head to my room. I'm going to sleep for the rest of the weekend. I'm going to sleep and pray that everything is better come Monday.

The first thing I notice when I push open my bedroom door is the discarded boots on my otherwise spotless floor. The next thing I notice is Edward, stretched out and fast asleep on my bed. Moonlight streams in through the window and he looks so peaceful.

I am so relived to see him here. I've tried dealing with this on my own, and I just can't. Jasper's hurting, everyone hates me, and Edward is the only on that gets it even a little bit.

The avoiding him thing I've been doing is just plain stupid.

After shutting my door, I kick off my shoes, drop my purse, and remove my jacket, leaving a trail of things behind me as I move towards the bed.

I lie down next to him, gently pressing my cheek to his shoulder as I throw my leg over his. Slipping a hand under the edge of his t-shirt to feel his skin, I stare up at him to admire his long eyelashes and the sharp line of his jaw.

For a moment, I consider letting him sleep, but I want him awake and touching me and talking.

"Edward," I murmur, sitting up on my elbow and kissing him on the forehead. He stirs slightly, an arm coming around my waist, as I play with his hair. "Edward, you're in my bed."

He mumbles sleepily and pulls me closer. I lay down on his chest as I wrap my arms around his neck.

"Bella," he sighs out, his hands slipping under my button up. I smile because he isn't quite awake yet. I wonder how long he's been here.

"I was looking for you," I whisper even though it doesn't seem like he's really hearing me. "Funny, isn't it? That you were right here the whole time."

"Lookin' for me?" he mumbles, rolling slightly until all of me is laid out on him. I pull back so I can see his face as his eyes flicker open. "Bella," he says.

"Hi," I say breathlessly. I push his hair off his forehead and feel okay for the first time in a long time.

"I fell asleep?" I giggle because he is so groggy and confused. "Am I even awake?"

I nod down at him, smiling fondly.

"I'm glad you're here," I tell him.

"I'm glad you're glad," he replies, tucking my hair behind my ear. "Part of me thought you'd be pissed, the way you've been keepin' away from me all week. I didn't want to make it worse for you."

Suddenly it gets hard for me to hold it together. I push my face into his neck to hide my expression from him. I try once more to be strong. He cradles my head with one arm, and somehow his silent comfort makes it harder to not fall apart.

A little whimper escapes my throat.

"Oh, Bella," he says, sounding completely miserable.

"It's just," I say, starting to cry now. "This week was so hard."

He strokes my hair, rocking me. I am so relieved that he's here. I need him.

"I am so, so sorry, Bella," he murmurs. I know he means it. The reaction at school may have been different for him, but it was no less hard. "I would've done everything to protect you from that. It was fuckin'… medieval."

A half chuckle, half sob escapes my throat. His arms tighten around me.

"There's nothing you could have done, Edward," I say, reassuring him even as he comforts me. I continue to cry, letting the cotton of his shirt absorb my tears. "Even you couldn't take on the whole school."

"I tried a couple times," he says. "I got real scary with some people, but it just caused more talk."

I nod against his chest, not having the strength to really respond. Everything since last summer has just been so hard, and I feel like I've done a pretty good job dealing with it all. This is just too much, and I crumble.

Edward just holds me, murmuring words of comfort as we lie there. Eventually my tears turn in to hiccups, and I dry myself out, so tired that I'm on the verge of a restless sleep.

"I would do anything for you, Bella," he whispers, shifting slightly to pull a blanket over us. I snuggle closer, pleased that it seems like he'll stay with me, even though our future has gotten even murkier in the last week.

"I know, baby," I reply sighing heavily. "I know."

Nothing is better, but at least I'm able to find a little momentary peace in his arms.


	18. Third Times the Charm

**Hi there!**

**Oh, there are some opinions about Bella from last chapter! I know she's frustrating, but stick with her. I think y'all will like this one.**

**I hope you know that you are so very awesome just for reading this.**

**Stratan is too.**

**I don't own nothin'.**

* * *

><p>"Oh, for Pete's sake. You're bleedin' all over the place. Here, take a tissue."<p>

"It's not bad," I mutter, refusing to look up. I'm too angry to do anything but stare down at my fists, knuckles bloodied, that still remain clenched in my lap. There were two of them, but I still managed to lay them both out in a matter of seconds before a couple teachers broke it up.

The chubby one got me in the nose with his goddamn elbow. I don't even feel it, but I notice a couple drops of blood drip onto my grey Panther's t-shirt.

"Take one," Ms. Platt continues.

Still, I don't look up.

I don't want to fucking be here. I'm still itching to go out there and finish the job I started. Not only were they harassing Bella at lunch, but I heard them plotting ways to get her "to spread her legs" not ten minutes after I chased them off.

I would beat the shit out of everyone talkin' like that if I could. Unfortunately, there are just way too many. Everyone whispers, saying hateful things that tear me up inside.

I would do anything to protect her from this if only I could figure out how.

The pounding I let loose on the two douche bags nursing their wounds in the room next door did nothing to alleviate my anger or frustration. And it certainly did nothing to protect Bella.

"Work with me here, Edward," the guidance counselor pushes, shoving the box of tissues right under my nose.

With a sigh, I take one and clean myself up a little bit, glancing up to look at her for the first time since I got hauled into her office five minutes ago.

"Fighting, Edward?" she says, pleased that she has my attention now. "I mean, really? What's happening here? It's like we're back to your freshmen year. You know better."

I just scowl at her, not willing to apologize for defending Bella. Really, it's a miracle I haven't beatin' up more people in the last two days. And I really don't care about myself. They can talk about me and glare at me and think about me all they want. But Bella don't deserve this. I hate how they're treating her. I hate how it looks like her spirit has finally been crushed. I hate that she won't let me help. I hate that bein' near her only makes it worse.

"What happened?" Ms. Platt asks quietly.

She does listen better than most adults, I'll give the lady that.

"They pissed me off," I explain with a shrug.

"Edward," she says, totally exasperated. "Your coach is gonna come poundin' in here any moment, insistin' I let his star player off the hook. I need something to make that happen. Help me make it happen. Why did they piss you off?"

"Someone needed to teach them how to keep their disgusting mouths shut," I say, my voice raising as I get angry all over again.

Ms. Platt looks at me for a long moment.

"This has something to do with Bella Swan. And you fighting with Jasper over the weekend." She doesn't ask. It's a fuckin' statement of fact. I hate how even the adults have heard the rumors.

I just slouch lower in my chair, noddin' once as I cross my arms over my chest.

"I've seen how it's been for her today. I saw what happened in the lunchroom and have heard what people are saying. It's terrible," she says quietly.

Again, I just nod.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I look at her like she's completely crazy.

She lets out a big old sigh. It looks like she's about to open her mouth and talk at me some more, but she's distracted by her office door flying open. Even I jump a little at the intrusion, slouching even further in my chair when I see just who is now standing before us.

"What in the hell is goin' on in that thick head of yours?" Coach booms, filling up the door way. He takes another step inside, scowling at me, and slams the door behind him. Again, I jump a little at the noise and feel like a total asshole. "Two fights in four days? Are you kiddin' me with this horseshit?"

"Sorry, Coach," I mutter.

"Coach, calm down."

I'm surprised to see that he actually listens to her, appearing a little ashamed of his outburst as Ms. Platt glares at him.

"Please excuse my language, ma'am." Ms. Platt merely rolls her eyes and chuckles.

Coach takes a deep breath before turning back to me.

"Care to tell me what the hell is goin' on?" Coach tries to be calm, but his tightly clenched jaw tells another story. "You are an important part of this team, Cullen. I need you to live up to that responsibility."

"I know," I reply, feelin' real small.

"You are aware that in four days, a group of young men are comin' down here to destroy you, right? Is that not clear? Because it looks like you're tryin' to destroy yourself before they even get here!" he shouts, losing all calm again.

Ms. Platt snorts, and we both look at her in surprise.

"Care to back me up here, Ms. Platt?" Coach asks.

"Sorta," she replies. "But it's not all about football. Everything is not always about football."

We both just stare at her, not getting what she's even sayin'. Coach lets out a big sigh and sits down next to me.

"Look, I know something's been goin' on with you. I have eyes. I see how you're gettin' on with the rest of the team," Coach says.

"You don't know," I mumble, looking down. "Nobody knows anything."

"Why don't you tell us about it?" Ms. Platt encourages.

"You've both heard the talk," I say, really uncomfortable. "They are eatin' her alive out there, but she didn't do anything wrong. They broke up, but nobody knows that. And I don't care what they say about me, but what they're doin' to her ain't right."

Ms. Platt nods, looking sympathetic, while Coach just shakes his head. Everyone is quiet for a moment, taking in everything I said.

"I love her," I mutter, surprising all three of us. It just seems like I'm not allowed to tell anyone, even the girl in question. Right here, right now, I can say something. I can make someone understand, so I do. "I never wanted to hurt Jasper, but I have felt this way for a long time."

Again, this is met with more silence.

"I get it, Cullen," Coach finally says. "There's a little more honor here than I was originally thinkin', but I've always known you had heart, son. You just have to figure out how to stop usin' your fists so much. That ain't the way. Not at all."

I just nod once, recognizing the truth of his words. Hittin' them didn't even make me feel any better, and it certainly didn't fix anything.

"Are you gonna be figthin' anymore? On my field or off it?" Coach asks.

"No, sir," I say, really meaning it. I manage to look him in the eye for the first time.

"You gotta figure out what the right thing is," Ms. Platt says. "It sounds like there is quite a bit for you to grapple with. In a situation like this, there are no easy answers. And if you ever need a sounding board, I'm always here, and I believe Coach is, too."

Coach nods.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Head in the game this afternoon," he says. "We've got a lot of work to do."

I just nod and let out a shaky breath, glad that this whole thing is winding down.

"What the hell, son? You waitin' for a hug or something? Get outta here," Coach insists, shooing me towards the door.

I glance towards Ms. Platt, wanting to be sure I have the okay from her for me to get out of here. For whatever reason, in this moment, I'd rather defy Coach than go against the formidable lady behind the desk.

"You can go," she says, gesturing towards the door. "But you can't do it again, Edward. I mean it. Fighting won't make it better. I can give you a warning this time. Please don't make me throw the book at you."

"Yes, ma'am."

Given the whole situation, I'm damn lucky. I just hope Coach don't hate me now.

* * *

><p>Seeing Alice manically smoking a cigarette outside Jasper's house is not a comforting sight. She looks downright agitated.<p>

Definitely not a good sign, givin' what I'm here to do.

I haven't talked to her at all in the last couple of days, but she and Rose are firmly on Bella's side. For that, I'm thankful. They can be there for her while I can't.

That's kinda why I'm here. I'm fucking desperate to make things better for Bella. Maybe Jazz can do what I can't. He's always been a good guy, and I can only hope that he will rise above, call of the hounds.

Or at least explain to the football team that he and Bella have been broken up since before the accident.

Really, anything would help at this point.

Plus, I've never been closer to smacking a girl. Ms. Platt would really not like that.

Steelin' my nerve for one more moment, I get out of my truck and slam my door behind me.

"Hey, Alice," I say, walking across the street.

She stops her pacing at the sound of my voice but continues her rapid puffing on the cigarette.

"Edward," she says, nodding at me. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, you know," I say, shrugging as I stop to stand in front of her. "I was in the neighborhood."

Alice snorts and shakes her head, glancing over her shoulder towards the house.

"It's not a good time," she grumbles, putting out her butt with her heel. After fumbling in her pocket for a moment, she finds a narrow silver case and flips it open. She offers me a hand rolled cigarette, taking one for herself when I decline.

"I gotta talk to him, Alice," I say, watching her struggle with her lighter. "It been six days. We gotta hash it out sometime."

"I guess," she mutters petulantly. "But I gotta tell you, he's downright bitchy today."

I snort, amused as always by Alice's word choice.

"I'm serious," she continues. "I told his mom that I'd come by after school because she's working, and he got all pissy, insisting that he doesn't need a babysitter. So we fought about that and then he started yelling at me for hanging out with Bella. He did not like it when I reminded him that they broke up like a billion years ago. And then he got all poor, pitiful me about not being at the game tonight."

I blink at her, still processing all this rapidly delivered information.

"So the point is," she continues after one big breath. "He's a little bitch and is probably going to pick a fight with you the moment you step foot in his room."

I decide to take my chances, just a little bit desperate to help out the lady I love somehow.

"Hey, Six," I say in greeting when I get in side. Jasper is in the living room, apparently searching through shelves of CDs. His head snaps towards me and the glare I see there is really not encouraging.

"What the fuck are you doin' in my house?" he snaps, turning his chair to face me.

"I came to see you," I reply, wishing I would have planned out this conversation a little in my head first. "Talk to you, see how you're doin'."

"Oh, great," he says, heavy on the sarcasm. "Just fucking awesome."

I sigh, already wishing I would have listened to Alice. This isn't gonna go well at all.

"Listen, I don't know how you found out or what you know but—"

Jasper interrupts me as I try to work my way to an apology.

"I'm not a fuckin' moron," he yells. "It's fucking obvious that you're sleeping together. I saw you the other night!"

"What other night?" I yell back, totally confused by this. There was no other night. There has been no other nights since the fuckin' accident. He couldn't have seen anything because there was nothing to fuckin' see.

"After you busted me out of rehab," he continues, still yelling. "I saw your little goodbye through my goddamn window."

It's a struggle for me to think back to that moment. And yes, there was a lengthy goodbye with some huggin' and smilin' but nothing more.

"That was just a goodbye," I reply.

Jasper's eyes narrow at that. "Are you really standin' there telling me that there's nothin' going on with you and Bella?"

I let out a big breath and fist my hands in my hair.

"No," I whisper.

"No what?" he demands.

"No, I'm not tellin' you that," I say, forcing myself to look him right in the eye. "That would be a lie."

Jasper gets really red, so I can tell he's pissed.

"You and Bella," he mutters, his voice low and dangerous. "You and Bella. You and _my_ Bella."

"You broke up," I point out. "I'm sorry for lyin' to you, for goin' behind your back, for hurtin' you, but you did break up."

I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, but I hate how he refuses to acknowledge that she isn't his anymore. I know he's coping with some pretty goddamn big changes, but it ain't healthy.

"So you got with Bella in the very short time between the break up and the accident?" he asks, continuing to scowl at me.

Fuck, I walked right in to that one. I just stand there wincing for a minute as Jasper's eyes bore into me.

"No," I mutter, looking down. This is the bad part. This is the part that has the guilt eatin' me up.

The seconds tick by in thick silence before I finally muster the courage to look back up at him. I can tell the moment it clicks in his head. He's figured out what I'm sayin' without me even havin' to say it.

"That's why she broke up with me," he says, apparently telling himself more than he's telling me.

"It's not why she broke up with you," I say quietly. This is really not going how I planned at all. I can't even really believe we're getting in to this.

"How long?" he demands, ignoring me. "How the fuck long? Weeks? Years? Months? How the fuck long were the two of you screwing around behind my back?"

I stare at him for a long moment. "Since this summer," I mumble.

He smacks the arm of his chair, causing the whole thing to rattle. Again, I wince.

"Fuck, I'm the biggest fuckin' moron in the fuckin' planet. How the fuck did I not put it together? You were both acting so weird, but I just didn't want to see it." Again, it's like he's talking to himself.

"Why?" he demands when he finally looks back at me. "Because she's hot? Because she's the one girl in this whole fucking town who was off limits to you?"

"Don't fuckin' do that," I growl out through clenched teeth. He looks surprised that I'm pissed at him, taken aback by my tone. "Don't sit here and fuckin' pretend like you don't know exactly _why_."

Jasper looks a little guilty in this moment because he's known since the fuckin' eighth grade how I've felt about Bella. He asked her to that damn dancing knowing full well just how I feel about her.

At least he ain't denying it now.

We go back to just staring at each other in silence.

"I am sorry, Jasper," I murmur.

"For everything but sleeping with her, right?" he asks, shaking his head at me.

That's basically the size of it, so I just shrug.

"You're shit at apologies," he snaps.

Again, I just shrug.

"Well, this has been awful enlightening and just fuckin' great, but if that's all—"

"That's not all," I say, interrupting him. "Really, the main reason I'm here is to talk to you about Bella."

"Bella?" Jasper spits out my name, obviously shocked.

"She's havin' a real tough go of it, Six," I say, my hands back in my hair somehow. "It's like the fuckin' Scarlett Letter out there."

"So? What the fuck do you want me to do about it?" he says, angry again. "It's not my goddamn problem anymore. We broke up, remember?"

I scowl for a minute, not even recognizing my best friend right now.

"You're you," I say, stuttering like a goddamn idiot. "At least the team still looks to you. You're still their leader. If you say something, anything about them backing off, they will. Maybe lettin' the guys know that you did break up would be a damn good place to fuckin' start."

"Now why would I do that?" He's a calm motherfucker now, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back now. Jasper Whitlock is sitting in front of me, smug off someone else's pain.

And not just anyone, but Bella.

"You know, Jazz," I say, moving towards the door. I pause with my hand on the knob. "When you cool off and calm down, you're gonna feel really shitty about how you're actin' right this moment."

I slam out of the house. Alice doesn't even try to ask me what happened. I'm sure it's written all over my face.

* * *

><p>I wake up way earlier than I'm used to Sunday morning and spend at least an hour staring at the back of her head. She turned in my arms at some point in the night, but I don't mind because her back is pressed firmly into my front.<p>

When she's right here like this, nothin' else matters one bit. I try to hold on to this feeling of contentment for as long as I can, even though it gets more difficult in the light of day.

I push my nose into the back of her neck, closing my eyes as I inhale deeply.

Bella lets out a sigh, her hand grabbing mine. Deciding to see if she's awake, I ghost my lips over her skin. By the time I reach the side of her neck, she's giggling and squirming around beside me. I tighten my grip, tickling her sides slightly.

"Edward Cullen," she says, trying to be stern despite her laughter. "You stop that right this minute. My parents are in this house, and they'll definitely investigate my hysterical laughter."

I still my fingers, pulling her more firmly against me and nuzzling into her neck again. She lets out a sigh and turns in my arms.

"Hi," I say, beaming at her as I push her hair off her face. She's so close that I have to decide which part of her to look at. After darting around her face, I finally settle on her eyes.

They've lost that haunted look I saw all last week during school.

"You're in my bed," she observes.

"Ain't that the truth," I reply, grinnin' at her.

"I forgot what it's like," she murmurs, biting her lip and lookin' shy.

"What what's like, Isabella?"

"How wonderful it is to wake up with you."

There's even more grinnin' after that one.

But all too soon, the light fades from her eyes. The smile falls right off her face, and I can basically see her remembering everything that has made it so hard for us these last few months.

"Bella," I whisper, running my knuckles over her cheek. She closes her eyes, leaning into my touch. "Please don't be sad."

"Okay," she replies, surprising me a little. "I'll try."

I kiss her chastely and quickly. She blushes beautifully when I pull away.

"You went and saw Jasper," she says after a moment of silence. I frown at her, not really thinking this conversation is the way for her to not be sad.

"Yes," I reply carefully. "How do you know?"

"He told me when I went to see him," she says. "He said you were trying to make things better for me. At school."

"Beatin' people up sure wasn't helping," I mutter, thinking about the nice little lecture I had from Ms. Platt and Coach.

"Who did you beat up?" she asks, raising an eyebrow at me.

I just look guilty, shrugging slightly. I don't want to tell her who I beat up. Definitely don't want to be reminding her of that.

"I had to do something," I tell her.

"Because you love me."

"Because I love you."

She smiles again. It warms me up because I was the one to put it there.

"What else did Jazz say?" she murmurs.

I wince and seriously consider not tellin' her, but I can tell by the look on her face that she won't be letting me get away with it.

"He had questions. About you and me," I say.

"How did he even know there's a you and me?" she asks the questions I've been asking myself for the last week.

"I still don't totally know. He saw us out a window sayin' goodbye after that day by the lake."

Bella looks confused.

"We were just hugging, right?"

"Well, apparently it looked pretty intimate to Jazz. Plus, I think he might have been suspicious before."

"So you told him when we got together?" she demands, kinda freaking out now.

"He asked, Bella," I reply. "I'm done fuckin' lying to him. To everyone. I'm over it."

Bella takes a deep breath, nodding at me.

"So what now?" I ask, wondering if she's going to tell me to wait again. I'm so fucking tired of waiting. This whole thing is fucking exhausting.

"I don't know," she says, sounding just as tried as I feel. "I just want us to be. Is that really so much to ask?"

"In Dillon? Maybe a little bit," I whisper, framing her face with my hands. "Bella, I know it's hard, but you can't let what everyone else says dictate your whole life. Especially the important stuff."

"I know," she says, looking absolutely miserable. "I know that, I do. Just because I know that I shouldn't care doesn't mean I don't. I'm working on it."

"Good. That's all I'm asking. I just want to be with you."

"Well, you're with me now," she says, wrapping her arms around me. She kisses my neck, and I shiver. It's been for fucking ever since I've been with her like this. If this is even going to happen. I don't want to push her.

Bella tugs on my shoulders until I roll on top of her, positioning myself right in between her legs. Right where I need to be. All four of her limbs wrap around my body as her hand finds its way into my hair at the back of my head.

She smiles up at me like the little minx she is, rolling her hips against me. I let out a low groan, collapsing into her neck.

"Bella, you are driving me crazy," I mumble as she continues to run her hands all over me.

"That doesn't sound like a bad thing," she replies before dropping a kiss to my temple.

"Not five minutes ago you were tellin' me to keep quiet because of your parents in this house?" I ask. I raise my head to scowl at her because this is incredibly frustrating, and she is incredibly attractive, and I haven't had her in an incredibly long time.

"Oh no," she says, pouting slightly. "I forgot about them."

And then suddenly she is out of bed, leaving me there all alone and befuddled.

Bella looks down at her wrinkled shirt and top, shaking her head. She didn't even get undressed last night before crawling in to bed with me. She grabs a robe, pulling it around her and covering the whole thing up.

Why in the fuck is she putting on clothes at a time like this?

"I'll be right back," she assures me before slipping out the door and pulling it closed behind her.

I lay flat on my back and try to settle down.

It's impossible. This whole damn room just reeks of her.

Thankfully, she's back after only a minute or two. She grins when I look at her, discarding her robe as she bounds on over to me. In just a few leaps, she ends up straddling my waist, grinning down at me.

"It's Sunday morning," she states simply. I reach up to cover her hands which are pressing into my pecks.

I hum low in my throat, not really paying attention to what she's saying at all. The feel of her bare thighs against my palms is distracting.

"Sunday morning is church morning," she continues.

I pause immediately, gaping up at her in horror. She's going to make me go to church. And usually that's fine. I don't get much out of it, but don't particularly mind being as she likes it.

This morning, after finally being able to touch her again, I will most definitely mind.

But I'll still do it. Anything she wants.

Bella laughs at my expression, leaning down to give me a quick kiss. I don't take it any further, not wanting to get too worked up before headin' out to a place of worship and what not.

"Bella," I say with another groan. "Just tell me quick if I'm getting out of bed in the next five seconds. You touchin' me is becoming traumatic."

She giggles again.

"They are at church, silly," she says, straightening up and pulling her shirt over her head. I stare up at her in awe, marveling at her flat torso, pretty pink bra, and elegant neck. "I might just have to drag you to the eleven o'clock service at Mega Church."

"That's two and a half hours," I inform her, unnecessarily.

She leans down, her breath hot against my ear. "I know from experience that you can work wonders in two and a half hours." She nips playfully at my earlobe, causing my whole body to tense in anticipation for the good stuff.

Bella pushes my hair off my forehead before kissing me proper. And what a kiss it is. The intensity knocks the breath right out of me, stirring me right down to my soul. Only she can make me feel this way.

It's been so fucking long since I've been able to kiss her like this. I missed her so much, this kiss is the ultimate relief.

I would be content to just taste her like this for hours, but Bella gets antsy. The feel of her little hands at my belt buckle has me bucking off the bed to get even a little closer.

Bella's breath hitches as I hit the right spot.

She leaves my mouth for only a moment to pull off my t-shirt and then my jeans. I roll over, pressing all my exposed skin against hers. I undress her as she undressed me, pulling down her shirt and underwear in one fluid motion. She comes off the bed, letting me get at the clasp of her bra.

When we're finally laid out totally naked and breathing all irregular, I pause. She frowns, biting her bottom lip. I remove it from her teeth with my thumb.

"Are you sure?" I ask. It will break my heart – and also probably my dick – if she says no, but I've gotta ask.

She just nods quickly before pulling my face to hers again.

This kiss is just as intense as our first.

I know I won't last long, so I make her feel good with my hands first. I tell her I love her when I finally slide home. My heart seems to be threatening to burst right out of me as I revel in the way she looks, sounds, smells, snd feels.

She's mine just as I'm hers.

Bella's arms tighten around my neck when I collapse on top of her, totally spent. She tells me she loves me and kisses my face. I notice that Bella's cheeks are damp, but she assures me her tears are happy ones. I didn't know that was possible, but I choose to believe her, to believe that I'm making her happy.

When Bella forces me out of bed, I only pout for a moment. I'll gladly go wherever she wants me.

* * *

><p>"Things are different this week," Bella observes as she shoves books into her locker. I watch with mild amusement. She's cute when she's flustered.<p>

"Maybe you're already gettin' better at not giving a fuck what other people think?" I suggest. And that's at least partially true. This week, after avoiding me last week, Bella is finally letting me be around her in public. She's letting me share the load.

We haven't really talked about what we are, officially, but I've crawled into her window every night since Sunday morning. It's like we've just reached some agreement to be quiet about our relationship.

And that's fine by me. I've never been one to share much with anyone anyway.

"Unlikely," Bella drawls, putting her arms through the straps of her backpack and slamming her locker shut. "I'm serious. Things aren't as bad as they were last week."

Unfortunately, two gossipy little underclassmen choose this moment to ogle us as they pass. I scowl at them until they run off in fear.

"'Time heals all wounds'. Someone smart said that once," I reply, turning back to smirk at her.

"Seriously, Edward," she says, losing patience with me. "What do you know that I don't know?"

"I love you?" I venture.

"I already know that," she says dismissively.

"Good."

"Edward!"

"Okay," I say with a groan. "Fine. It's actually Jasper's doing."

"Jasper?" She is obviously confused.

"Yeah," I continue, running my hands through my hair. "Turns out he told some guys on the football team about the break up. They don't really know what to think, but it's getting around school that the situation wasn't just want they thought."

"Jasper did that? Knowing that it would make things easier on us? Even after he found out that we started seein' each other this summer?" she asks, not really believing my words.

"Looks like it," I reply. And I'm not even surprised by this. Jazz is a good guy, way down to his bones, even if he forgets once and awhile. Everything is changing about my best friend, but the fundamentals seem to be the same.

"Wow. I feel like I should go talk to him," she says.

I don't like that. Not at all, but I'm nowhere near stupid enough to show Bella that I still have this ridiculous jealousy thing goin' on.

"I think he needs a little more time, Bella," I reply, wishing I could touch her but knowing it would do nothing but cause us problems. "He was so angry when I talked to him."

"Time," she says with a nod. The bell rings and I sigh because we're headed for tow different classrooms. "Hey, we're still going to lunch, right?" she asks as she lingers in the doorway.

"My place," I say, nodding.

Bella blushes and nods before disappearing, indicating she knows just what I have in mind.

* * *

><p><strong>So things are gettin' better huh? I would just love to hear your thoughts.<strong>


	19. Look and Listen

**Hi there!**

**Everyone has such different opinions - hating Jasper for not helping out sooner or thinking that E & B should be WAY more guilty that they are. I think this means I'm heading in the right direction.**

**So big shout out to Rose Arcadia at TLS and Kennedy Nicole Cullen who apparent have been rec'ing this baby. Seriously, that's amazing.**

**And Stratan for being my beta.**

**And to you for reading this.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

><p>"He's gonna be real cranky," Emmett says, repetitively kicking at the tire of Edward's truck while Rosalie and I sit in the back.<p>

"Fuck, he should be real cranky. He dropped the goddamn ball!" Rose shrieks. I shake my head at her, forgetting how worked up she gets about the Panthers. "He lost us the game!"

"That's totally unfair!" I yell back, pissed that she's pissed at Edward. "He carried the team for the whole game. He scored every one of those touchdowns, took a damn beating. He played brilliantly."

"Except for the fucking fumble in the end zone at the end when it counted!"

"Alight, ladies," Emmett says. It's strange. Usually, Emmett is the one freaking out when the Panthers lose. "Calm down. Our boy's bound to be beatin' himself up plenty. No need for us to pile on."

I nod, rubbing at my arms. It's quite chilly now that I'm not jumping around, cheerin'. I don't know what in the hell is taking Edward so long. Most everyone has cleared out by now, their shoulders slumped and looking downtrodden.

"What the hell is takin' him so long?" Rosalie whines. "Em, we drove separate. Can't we just go?"

"I'm fine," I say when they both look at me. "Seriously, you two go on a head. He probably won't want to talk to anybody anyhow."

"He's gonna want to get real drunk," Emmett warns.

"See you back at the Cullen's, Bells," Rose says, dragging Emmett off. He solutes me as he gets in the passengers side of Rose's truck.

I only have to sit there shivering for another two minute before Edward emerges, moving slowly across the parking lot. I can tell just by the way he walks that he's feeling sore and sorry for himself. He pauses for a moment when he sees me before walking faster.

"You know, I hung back so long so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone about the fuckin' game," he mutters, running a hand through his hair.

"I'm not anyone," I say, using my legs to pull him closer. "And I won't try to talk to you about the game."

He smiles at me for a moment before the look on his face turns into a grimace.

"You're freezin' half to death," he says, pulling his letterman's jacket around my shoulders. Edward rubs his hands up and down my arms, trying to warm me up. "You didn't have to wait."

"I wanted to," I reply.

Edward sighs heavily before resting his forehead on mine. I drop a kiss to his nose as I wrap my arms around his shoulders. He winces slightly, so I pull back.

"Sorry," I murmur. He shakes his head, pulling my arms back around his shoulders. I'm gentle this time.

"This means we have to win our last two games to get to the playoffs. That or a real specific combination of teams needs to win and lose," he mutters, scowling down at me.

"You'll get to the playoffs," I assure. "I know it."

"Well, if you know it, then I don't really even see any need to keep practicing."

I can tell by his grin that he's just teasing me so I kiss him.

"I never fumble. What the fuck was that? I ruined the whole damn season," he says. My kisses are obviously not as distracting as they once were.

"Edward, you're part of a team. And tonight you were the only one who seemed to be makin' anything happen out there on that field. I think you were great. Let's not forget all those other points," I point out.

"I said I didn't want to talk about the game!" he whines, scowling at me again.

I decide it's not a good time to point out that he was the one that brought up the game.

"Let's get you home, Thirty-Three," I say sliding off the truck bed.

He sighs and follows me. This is probably going to be a long night. But then he holds my hand as he drives, so I know it won't be so bad.

"Where're we going?" I ask when he turns abruptly.

"Liquor store," he explains, kissing my cheek as he puts his truck in park. "I'll just be a minute."

I sigh as I watch him go. Long night indeed.

* * *

><p>"Rose, I swear, I'm gonna shove a dirty sock in your mouth if you don't shut the fuck up right this minute."<p>

"Emmett! Are you really gonna let your little brother talk to me like that?"

"I'm gonna shove socks in both your mouths if you don't shut the fuck up right this minute," Emmett mumbles, leaving the living room to get another beer. "Anyone need a refill?"

"Me please!" I call, needing another if Rose and Edward are planning on being pissy with each other for the rest of the evening.

"You can't pause it in the middle of the game, Edward!" Rosalie continues to yell, her eyes never leaving the TV screen.

"I'm about to whoop you fair and square, Hale!" Edward counters, actually standing from his seat and bouncing in place a little. The black Nintendo controller looks small in his hands.

Edward lifts his arms above his head in triumph, smirking at Rosalie. Rose flops face first into the couch, screaming into the cushion.

The competition thing between the two of them is getting a little out of control.

"I want a rematch," she says with forced calm as Emmett hands her another beer.

"You've got your damn rematch," Edward says, striding over to the kitchen and pouring himself a shot. "Who's drinkin' with me? Bella?"

"Absolutely not," I say, chocking slightly on my fresh beer. "That will be the death of me."

Edward just rolls his eyes and pours another when his brother and Rose go over to the kitchen counter.

"To not fumblin' the goddamn ball!" Rose cackles, scowling at Edward. He scowls right back, downing his shot before stealing Rose's and shooting that, too. I sigh as Rose shrieks in indignation, quieting only when Emmett pours her another.

Edward and Rose settle down for their rematch as Emmett joins me on the love seat. He lets out a big sigh as he lowers his massive body down next to me.

"How you doin' tonight, pretty lady?" he asks.

"Not bad. I've had worse nights," I reply, finishing my beer and stifling a yawn.

"I'm sorry you've had such a rough go of it," he says, being shockingly genuine. "Ed's been torn up about how they've been treatin' you at school."

I grimace, not liking the idea of Edward suffering.

"This week was better," I reply, telling the truth. Mostly people just left me alone. Part of that is Edward at my side but mostly it's Jazz's doing. It's a kindness from him that I certainly don't deserve, and it's humbling.

"Yeah, and none of that can be worse than the guilt your layin' on yourself, I reckon," he continues, talking quietly and avoiding the attention of our significant others, still locked in the most competitive game of Mario Cart ever.

Again, Emmett is shocking me with this moment of great insight.

"I deserve the guilt, Emmett. We didn't do it right, Edward and me. Not the way we cheated and lied and hurt one of the best people I know," I say. "We definitely made a lot of mistakes, and I have my regrets. I deserve this guilt because Jasper didn't deserve how we treated him."

"Maybe so," he murmurs, lookin' thoughtful.

We watch Edward and Rosalie drunkenly holler at each other for a moment. I think Em is done talkin' to me about this deep stuff, but he continues.

"I think I owe you an apology," Emmett murmurs, running a hand thought his dark hair and reminding me so much of his little brother.

"And why's that?" I ask. Nothing about this conversation is what I would expect from the ever irresponsible Emmett Cullen.

"Because I told him to end things with you," he confesses, looking guilty. "At the end of the summer, before he talked to you and you took off. I told him to."

I just blink at him, shocked by this new information.

"I didn't get it," Emmett continues. "He was feelin' just so damn guilty, and I didn't get that you're as crazy for him as he is for you. So, I'm sorry."

I think about how things would be different if Edward hadn't ended it at that moment, right when I was figuring out how much I loved him. Maybe I would have broken up with Jazz sooner. Maybe we would have had time to get Jazz used to the idea before the accident.

Oh, what am I thinking? That is really just total crap. No matter the timing, what we did was terrible and would have hurt Jazz.

"It's okay, Emmett," I say, patting his arm reassuringly. He flashes me a grateful smile. "No use dwellin' on something like that. But I do appreciate the sentiment."

"Good," Emmett says, nodding.

"Does that mean you approve of me?" I've always kinda wondered about this.

"Course I do, Bells!" he shouts like I just asked the most ridiculous thing in the world. "Do you approve of me and your best friend?"

I look over at Rosalie who is glaring at the screen with more concentration than I've ever seen her exhibit in anything.

If Em asked me that when I first found out about the two of them the answer would have been a resounding 'no'. Emmett's reputation when he was younger was even worse than Edward's – he partied more, slept around more, and cared about less. I always thought he was a colossal screw up and total idiot.

Recently, I realized I've judged Emmett in the same way this town judged Edward.

Emmett has obviously gotten it together in recent years. He owns his own shop, takes care of Edward, and is actually really good for the cynical, angry Rosalie.

"I approve," I reply.

He flashes me a grin before standing to get another beer.

"Want one, Bells?" he asks.

"No," I say, standing and stretching my arms over my head. "I'm about ready to call it a night."

Edward turns to pout at me, but I'm not sure if it's about losing to Rose or because I'm turning in.

"You gonna join me?" I ask him.

"Aw, come on, grandma," he says. "The night is young! There are memories to be made!"

"It's after one and there are memories to be made in there, too," I reply, gesturing towards his room.

He eyes me for a moment before downing the rest of his beer and picking me up, flipping me over his shoulder caveman style. I laugh and smack his butt as he walks towards the bedroom.

"Hey!" Rose yells after us. "We still have five races left to determine the grand champion! Are you really gonna let your dick get in the way of winning?"

"This is a better victory," Edward calls over his shoulder before shutting his door behind us.

* * *

><p>"I think you're outta your mind, Swan," Edward mutters, stealing a glob of cookie dough and shoving it in his mouth. I swat his hands away as I spoon out cookies on to the sheet. "Also a little offended that my kitchen don't live up to your high and mighty standards for bakin'."<p>

I roll my eyes at that oven bit. We both know the thing needs a good scrubbing before anything edible will come out of it again.

"I just feel like I need to say 'thank you'. And I know you're right, that he need more time, but at least this way he knows that I know what he did for me," I explain for the zillionth time since I started this little endeavor.

"And you're gonna do all that with cookies?" he asks doubtfully, licking his fingers.

"Yes," I reply, feelin' pretty defensive. "Alice said it was a good idea."

"When the hell did you talk to Alice? I've been with you constantly since you came up with this harebrained scheme."

"I sent her a text. Are you sure you're not just irritated that I'm not makin' your favorite kind of cookie?" I ask, putting the sheet in the oven as I put the rest of the dough in the fridge, dodging Edward's ever-grabby fingers.

"Whose favorite cookie is oatmeal raisin? Who even came up with such a shit kinda cookie?" he demands as I move around him to wash my hands.

"You sure are eatin' enough of the dough for someone who don't even like it," I reply, hopping up to sit on the counter. Edward immediately comes to stand between my knees and I smile down at him.

"Cookies ain't gonna make it better, babe," he murmurs, moving his hands over my thighs.

"I know. I know that, I do. But it's better just sittin' here, not doing anything to make it better," I reply, looking at my hands and suddenly feeling stupid. "Maybe it is stupid. You can just eat all the stupid cookies."

"No, no," Edward says, cradling my face in his hands and tilting my gaze to his. "Don't you do that. It's great. I love it."

He plants a few sloppy kisses all over my face, and I giggle.

"Really?" I ask.

"Well, it certainly won't hurt things. That's for damn sure."

I let out a big sigh, putting my arms around his neck and pullin' him into a hug. He hugs me back.

"I just feel so bad," I whisper. "It's strange isn't it? To feel so bad about something but to be totally unwilling to change it? Maybe I would change how it happened, but I would never change bein' with you."

"It will get better," he murmurs, his lips moving against my skin. "At least that's what I keep tellin' myself."

Using his hair, I pull him back a little to get a good look at his face.

"We're good for each other, aren't we?" I ask.

"Well, you're damn good for me," he replies. "Don't know about the other way 'round." I pull on his hair. "Ouch, fine you crazy woman! I'm good for you too. Is that what you want to hear?"

I nod before kissing him.

I've been doing a lot of this lately, behind closed doors at least.

Edward hums, indicating his approval, as he pulls me closer. We keep it light, easy, at first, but it seems like no time at all before things get a little more serious. Mouths opening and hands exploring.

And then there is the sound of opening.

"Bella!" Renee shouts as I push Edward away from me. "Come help me with the groceries!"

The door slams shut again, and I let out a big old sigh.

"Should I leave?" Edward asks, looking exceedingly uncomfortable.

"No, no," I say, shaking my head as I hop off the counter. "Come help with the groceries."

I smile at him brightly, trying to ease his concern, but the truth is this probably won't be pleasant. All I can hope is that Renee isn't too much of a bitch to him.

Twenty minutes later, the three of us somehow end up seated around the kitchen table. We each have a glass of milk in front of us and a plate of cookies sits in the middle.

There was some tense silence followed by some small talk. Renee then quizzed Edward on his plans for the future before frowning a bunch when I pointed out how close CU is to DU.

"So," Renee says, deliberately changing the subject. "What would you like for dinner, honey? Your father should be home around seven and that isn't too terribly late."

"Mom, I told you days ago," I say, working really hard not to be snappy. "It's girls night. I'm going to Laramie with Alice and Rose for that foreign film screening? And we're going to eat at that little Italian place over there. Remember?"

Edward frowns and shoves a whole cookie into his mouth. He is not happy about girl's night. He says that we've only been back together – if that's even what we are – for a week and therefore should be spending as much time out of school together as possible. Although I can see his logic, Alice would kill me, and this is a one time deal.

"Girls night?" my mom repeats slowly, staring at Edward with mild distain. "That's alright then. I suppose."

"Great." I get up quickly, moving to kiss her cheek before putting a hand on Edward's shoulder. "We're actually just gonna go hang out at Edward's until Alice picks us up."

I gather my backpack and a plate of cookies, handing another to Edward as we move to the front door.

"Bella?" Renee asks, stopping me us as we're about to make our escape. "Can I just have one moment, please?"

I nod at Edward and he walks out the front door, pulling it closed behind him.

"What's going on?" she demands the moment Edward is gone. I close my eyes and let out a big sigh, finding some calm that I probably won't be able to hold onto when she starts talking.

"I just told you. Today I baked cookies and tonight I'm hangin' with the girls," I state simply.

"You very well know that is not what I am asking you, Isabella," she says, scowling at me.

"Mom, I know where you're headin' here, so just don't. Please."

"Look," she says, sighing heavily as she approaches me. She places her hands on my shoulders and looks me right in the eye. "I'm not going to ask you if it's true, all of the rumors that have been going on lately, and I just want to say it's a really good thing that you finally broke up with Jasper, but you need to be careful."

"Mom, please."

"I mean it, honey. This family was just getting back to normal when you… decided to do whatever it was you did. Now it's damage control time. You can't be seen with him in public, and you shouldn't be doing anything with him in private," she explains.

I think the very worst part is that she believes her own words.

"You are where I get it," I reply, shaking my head. "How am I just now realizing this?"

"What are you talking about, sweetheart?"

"This total preoccupation with what everyone thinks. With that Dillon thinks. It's from you. But now I'm trying to do what's best for me, no matter what everyone else thinks. So please, just stop. I don't want to hear it," I say.

"Bella, I just want what's best for you. That boy is just gonna break your heart, the way he treats girls. And I know right now it seems like he's getting his life together, going to college, but we both know that probably won't happen."

I take a deep breath. It's hard work not to scream at the woman who birthed me.

"You don't know him at all, and neither does this town. I do, and I love him and I'm not going to stand here and listen to this."

Renee just stands there, looking down right dumbfounded.

"I'm going to sleep at Rose's," I tell her, opening the door. "See you tomorrow."

* * *

><p>EPOV<p>

"Jazz liked his cookies, Bella," Alice says as she walks through the front door. I'm not particularly happy to see her bein' as she's here to take my lady away. And it's fine. I'm spending my night with the boys, but I'd rather be with Bella. I'd always rather be with Bella.

"Really?" Bella's whole face lights up, and I smile up at her. She's perched on my lap, just lounging on the couch until it's time for her to go. "Did he say that?"

"Well, no," Alice says, wincing slightly. "He grumbled a lot of nonsense and did a lot of scowling, but then he ate like the whole plate."

Bella nods, looking only slightly less happy than a moment ago.

"He's not happy you're here, is he?" Bella asks quietly.

"Nope. And I don't get it. My presence here is in no way some sort of approval for you two and the cheating, but that's not my place. He can be fucking mad. He probably should be fucking mad, but that doesn't mean I have to be mad," she explains. Again, I appreciate her honesty.

I wonder if they are fucking.

I wonder if Jazz can even do that. He never really talked about it.

Rose emerges a moment later, and it's time for the girls to clear out.

"You gonna be alright?" Bella murmurs in my ear.

"Who do you think you're talkin' too?" I say, teasing her. "Nights out on the town with my boys is my thing."

She shoves me gently before kissing me.

"Don't you have too much fun."

"Likewise."

* * *

><p>When I move towards the register with two cases of beer in my arms, I'm quite surprised to see Jazz having a difficult time buying beer.<p>

"Jasper, you know I can't sell this to you," Hank, the clerk, says, gesturing towards the beer on the counter.

I shake my head thinking of all the times Hank has overlooked my fake ID because of my position on the Panthers.

"Why not?" Jasper demands. "Because I'm not playin' anymore? Is that it?"

Hank just leans back and crosses his arms over his beer belly. "I can't sell it to because you're only eighteen. Come on, man."

"No, you come on, Hank," Jasper replies, lookin' pissed. I don't blame him. It's fuckin' weird to me that this dude won't help out the town's favorite injured football star.

I wonder how regular, non-Panther kids get their booze.

"Try down the street," Hank suggests.

"I already did," Jazz snaps.

This is probably a good time to make my presence know.

"Drinkin' by yourself, Six?" I mutter as I put my two cases on the counter, right next to Jasper's identical one.

He scowls up at me.

"You got an ID, sir?" Hank asks, soundin' perfectly pleasant now.

"You bet," I say, handing the thing over as I pull the cash needed to cover all the beer out of my pocket.

Hank rings me up and takes my money.

"I appreciate your business, Sergeant Cullen," says Hank. Jasper shakes his head ruefully as I hold in a chuckle. "Have a nice night now."

"Cheers," I reply, tucking one case under my arm and lifting the other two in my hands. I turn to go.

"Yeah," says Jazz as he follows. "Have a great night."

I hold the door for Jazz, waiting for him to get out of the liquor store before handing over his beer.

"Looks like you forgot something," I murmur as he takes it from me.

"You didn't have to do that, man," he says, shaking his head again.

Yeah, I really fuckin' did. It was the least I could fuckin' do. But I don't have to say anything because the guys get out of the car, running on over to us when they see him.

"Hey, Jazz!" calls Jake as he approaches. "How's it goin,' baby?"

"Hi, dude," says Ben. When he first became QB, the kid was painfully shy and awkward. He's really come into his own, but from the looks of his posture, Jazz still intimidates him.

"Yo, do you want to come out with us?" Jake asks. I don't know if Jake is just totally oblivious to what's been goin' on the last three weeks or what, but part of me hopes Jazz accepts the invite.

It's selfish, but I miss my best friend.

"No," says Jasper. "I don't think that such a good idea."

"Don't be like that, son!" pushes Jake. "Come on. What else you gonna do?"

Jazz glances up at me and I just shrug, not knowing what to say.

"Look, we'll put your chair in the trunk. It'll be great."

Everyone stares at Jasper for a long moment. No one is more surprised than me when he agrees.

* * *

><p>"What do you mean she's crazy?" Ben demands.<p>

I walk a little ways away from the group as Jake pushes Jasper onto Herrmann Field. I don't really know how to act, and I sure as hell don't want to get in Jasper's way of hanging with the guys.

He hasn't gotten to do much of that as of late.

"You know," replies Jake, stopping when they get to the fifty yard line. Still, I linger back, listening but not joining in. "She got issues."

"Just like everybody else in this town," Jasper says in defense of the crazy girl Jake has been seein'.

"How are you handling it?" Ben asks. For the first time, I wonder if this chick is actually truly crazy. Like the real kind with doctors and shit.

"Taking it like a man, Benny. You know, avoiding her calls, duckin' out, hidin' in bushes. That kinda stuff," Jake says.

We all laugh, and I set down the case, grabbing myself a brew. Jake and Jasper do the same, but Ben don't look happy about it.

"Seriously, guys," Ben says as Jake forces a bottle into his hand. "Coach Bobby says that if he catches anyone messin' around out here, they're gonna lose game time."

Jake pulls Ben's hood down over his eyes, givin' him a noogie for a moment before Ben scrambles away.

"Do you see what I've been puttin' up with all season?" Jake asks, still chasing Ben around the field. I watch, just shakin' my head and sippin' my beer.

"Come on, Cheney," Jasper says, shakin' his head and sippin' his beer. "What are they gonna do, huh? Bench you and start me?"

There is laughter at this, especially as Jazz finishes his beer, cradles the bottle to his chest like a football, and starts to slowly wheel himself towards the end zone.

"But seriously," Ben continues. "I've got enough on my plate. I don't need no more problems."

"You've got problems, Benny?" Jake asks.

"What you got, QB?" Jasper asks. "Cheney's got a little something on his mind, gentlemen."

"Come on, talk to us, buddy. We'll help you out," Jake says.

They both look down right shifty. Don't think I would be trustin' the pair of them when they got that gleam in their eyes.

"Never mind," mutters Ben, finally taking a sip of his beer.

"I've got troubles," Jake declares loudly. I stop chuckling at the exchange because for the first time, he actually looks serious. "Me and Loopy Leah."

"Oh, are we comparing girl problems now?" Ben demands. "I just tried to make out with my pastor's daughter and was so totally rejected. I pretty much got put through the wall with that one and then her daddy walked in. So I think I win."

Jake mutters something, Jasper shakes his head, and I just continue to watch.

Everyone looks to me like it's my turn to whine about something. Jasper raises an eyebrow, like he's daring me to say somethin' about Bella. Yeah, like that's gonna fuckin' happen.

"Uh…" I mutter, taking a long drink to by myself a little more time. "I couldn't manage to hold on to the ball in the end zone Friday night."

All three of them groan and rag on me for a few minute. I just nod with them and take it because that spectacular fuck up could have cost us our season.

"Ed wins," Jake declares. "Biggest problem. Right there."

"No," Jasper states. For one terrible moment, I think he's gonna get into everything about Bella. I brace myself, wishin' if we have to do this, it could at least just be the two of us.

Fuck, am I supposed to tell him about Bella and I getting back together? Are we even back together? What the fuck do I do?

"Chair says I win," Jazz continues. "Chair says I always win. Every time."

Jasper laughs and the rest of us follow suit. I don't know if the wheelchair jokes are a good thing or a bad thing, but that last statement was probably pretty true.

"He's got that," Jake agrees, getting a new beer.

"Six wins," I mutter. Everyone seems a little surprised to here my voice. I bring my bottle to my lips and move over to join the boys so we all make a nice little circle. A loose huddle.

"Alright, fine," Ben says, nodding and drinking. "My problem's aren't as big as all that. But… fuck, I'm just not gonna be able to take this team any farther. I mean, we've got Bryant on Friday, and their line is huge, and I couldn't make anything happen last week. I'm gonna let this whole town down."

His voice gets a little squeaky, and I'm reminded for the first time in awhile that Cheney's only a sophomore. He ain't been doing this nearly as long as the rest of us.

"There defensive end could probably beat me in the forty." He's full on freaking out now, and we all just stare at him with varying levels of concern. "I'd be better off on the fucking bench."

He takes a couple deep breaths and Jake pats his back harder than is helpful.

"Cheney," Jasper says when the kid has finally caught his breath. "You wanna play big, you gotta think big, alright?"

Ben nods as Jasper gestures towards the football sitting next to our beer supply. Tentatively he picks it up.

"I'm gonna show you how," Jasper says. "Come on, boys, line it up!"

Jake and I just look at each other, grinning before chugging our beers and moving to do just as Jazz asks.

* * *

><p>"Stay on your toes, Benny. Stay on your toes. High, then let it go! Beautiful."<p>

The pass hits me right in the chest, gets into my hands perfectly. It's pretty sweet, even if Jake tackles me a moment later.

We set up again, this time with Jake catchin' and me blockin'.

"Stay on those toes. Stay tall. Stay tall," Jasper instructs as I take off in time with Jake. "Ball high, ball high. Now pump. And go!"

I listen with half an ear to Jasper's instructions as I run around Jake, attempting to do a little blocking. I have absolutely no idea how long we've been at this, but its crazy. Already Ben looks like a different player. Jazz is workin' something special here, and all four of us can feel it.

Or maybe that's just the beer talkin'.

Jake catches yet another pass, twisting away from me into the end zone. In a game type situation, I'm pretty sure I coulda laid him out. Best not to exert myself in this moment.

Another amazing thing is the return of the camaraderie. Football does something, acts as the great equalizer, and as long as we are on this field, there is nothing between Jazz and me but our history as brothers and this game.

Or, again, maybe that's the beer talkin'.

Jasper actually bumps his fist into mine, grinning as he does so. Maybe it's not the beer after all.

"18 yard deep out," Jasper says as we all take a break to drink more beer.

"What?" Ben demands. "I can't hit that!"

"He can't," Jake says, chucklin' and shakin' his head. "He can't."

"Half the players in college can't even hit that route," Ben says.

"You can hit it," Jasper insists. I grin because he sounds like such a coach. I wonder if he's thought about doin' this in the future. I wonder if he's thought about doin' anything in the future except finishing high school with his GRE. Alice told me that. He don't want to come back to school.

"It's just an automatic six for the other team," Ben replies, yelling and waving his arms around. I can tell by the look on his face that he thinks Jazz is crazy. Crazy awesome at all things football, maybe. Kid needs to learn to have a little faith. "Coach doesn't even have it in the playbook."

"Look at me and listen to me," Jazz says, his voice quite and full of authority. Ben immediately shuts up and Jake immediately stops laughing. "When you're doing your drop, you look off the weak side safety. That means you keep your head left. Okay? As soon as Cullen makes his break, you need to open your body up and let the ball go. On the break, high and outside. Any corner in this league's gonna break on that, think he's got a sure interception. But he doesn't because you're putting the ball high and outside where only your man can get it."

Jasper takes a break, watching Ben to make sure he understands. Ben nods once, looking way more determined than he was a moment ago.

"You hit the slants, you hit the posts, and they'll respect you," Jazz continues, his voice raising as he gets more excited. "You hit this pattern, they will fear you."

I grin because that was damn motivational. Coach would be proud.

"Alright, gentlemen," Jazz yells after a moment. "On the line!"

"High and outside," I hear Jasper say as I take off.

The ball just seems to fall into my hands. Right where it should be. I whoop in joy, running around the goal post and back towards the boys.

"That's it," Jazz says, crossing his arms over his shoulders and looking pleased as punch.

"I just hit it," Ben says, apparently in a daze.

"Yes you did."

It's a pretty great little moment, and after a few more plays we decide more beer is in order to celebrate. We all sit in a circle, shootin' the shit and drinkin' our way through three cases.

Jazz and I don't really talk to each other at first much. But at some point in the wee hours, Jake and Ben both fall asleep, Ben's arm thrown over Jake's torso.

I make some jokes about it, Jasper laughs, and for now, the tension's broken. We talk about the old days after that, being careful to just discuss about football. Anything else probably would involve Bella, and I don't think either of us could handle that quite yet.

Some time around four in the morning my phone rings. Jazz and I have finished off the beer and are laughin' at nothing at all as I dig it out of the pocket of my jacket. I don't even look to see who it is or think through who it might be when I answer.

"'Ello?" I slur, still chuckling slightly.

"Hi." Bella breaths out the word and I smile like an idiot before seein' Jasper, starin' intently at me. I straighten up, clearing my throat and feeling uncomfortable. "Where are you?"

I lumber to my feet, movin' away from Jazz so he can't hear.

"Where are you?" I ask, keeping my voice low.

"I asked first," she whispers with a giggle. I can tell by the raspy way she talks that she's been drinkin'.

"Herrmann Field," I reply, tilting my face to the lights.

"Why in the world are you there on a Saturday night? Baby, that just don't make sense," she declares, huffing slightly.

"Darlin', technically, I think it's Sunday at this point in the evening." When I stop talking I can hear her shuffling around. "Now you tell me just where you are."

"In your bed," she replies, her voice low and husky and shootin' right to my dick. I shiver slightly, closin' my eyes and trying to keep my cool.

"And just what are you doin' there, Swan?"

"I really think the better question is what are you not doin' here," she purrs back.

"You are goin' to be this death of me," I mutter, realizing that I don't have my truck, and I'm stuck with a bunch of idiots.

And Jasper. With that realization, the guilt is back with a vengeance.

"If I was really trying to kill you, I would tell you that I'm not wearin' a sitch of clothing," she replies.

I just gulp, suddenly unable to form words.

"But that would actually be a lie," she continues to babble drunkenly. She's really just fuckin' with me at this point. "I'm not naked at all. I'm actually wearing one of your plaid flannel shirts. It smells like you and it's so soft. I wonder how many times you've worn this shirt."

I smile. It's damn amazing to me how she can manage to be so cute and so sexy at the same time.

"Can I have it?" she asks, getting really exciting all of a sudden. "Please? Actually, I don't even care what you say. I'm stealing it. It's just gonna go missin' suddenly in the night."

I laugh. "You are damn devious, Swan."

"Hey, come home soon? Okay?"

"Okay, baby."

"I love you."

"As I love you."

When I get back to Jazz he's starin' off in to space. I can't tell what he's thinking. All that guilt comes rushing back, and I don't know what to do, what to say. I sit back down next to him, thinkin' that I should probably wake the fellas up and get home.

Probably because I want Bella.

I wince at thinking something like that so near Jazz.

"Booty call?" he asks, referring to the call.

I just shrug. We go back to uncomfortable silence.

"Ed," Jazz says quietly. "Would you tell me the God's honest truth? If I asked, would you just give it to me straight?"

"Yeah," I mutter, not wanting to at all but I will. I owe him that much. If he wants honesty, he's got it.

"Promise?" he demands, dead serious. He leans forward, looking me right in the eye to indicate that he really means it. "You'd answer all my questions? No matter how fucked up it might be?"

"I promise."

"Good," he says, nodding as he leans back in his chair. I look at him, trying to figure out if he's gonna ask those fucked up questions.

"Not yet," he whispers.

I just nod, feelin' oddly chocked up. For a minute there, it felt like we were gonna be friends again. Now, not so much. I was pretty stupid for thinkin' it would be that easy.

We wake up the sleeping beauties. Jake takes us all home. I'm thankful Bella's car isn't here for Jazz to see.

When I get inside, it's a relief to be able to crawl into bed beside Bella. She doesn't wake up or nothin' when I pull her close, but I don't mind. I like the way she snuggles in. I like the way she wears my shirt.

Turns out it wasn't just the beer talkin'. Monday on practice, Ben lights it up. Jasper's magic is still hard at work, and it seems to be rubbing off on the rest of the team, too.

Coach gave us a fine verbal ass whooping about the abysmal game Friday, but then we really pulled it out. Ben led the whole damn thing.

"Cullen!" Coach shouts as I walk by his office, headin' towards the exit and the dinner Bella promised to cook tonight. "Come 'ere a sec."

I do as he says, standin' in front of him as he sits at his desk.

"Coach?" I say. He wouldn't yell at me for the fumble, would he? I mean, earlier he said that I was the only one who didn't embarrass himself Friday night. That was nice to hear after beatin' myself up about it all weekend.

"That Ben Cheney," he says, tapping his pen rhythmically against the edge of his desk. "Why don't you tell me what's goin' on there?"

"He played real good today, Coach," I mutter, still not getting why we're here.

"Like a whole new player," Coach agrees. "Now, why don't you tell me if this has got anything to do with your late night practice session Saturday?"

Oh, shit.

"Uh… that was just… uh… maybe?"

Well that was eloquent.

"Relax, Cullen," Coach says, shakin' his head. "I was about to bust all y'alls asses, but then I saw what Jasper was doin' with Ben Cheney. Didn't want to spoil the magic."

"Yes, sir," I say grinning. "That accident didn't change his brain none. He still knows what he's talkin' about."

"Right you are, Cullen. Glad to hear you think so. That's why I'm offernin' Jazz a position on the team."

I squint at him, picturing Jazz in pads and a helmet.

"As staff, you idiot," Coach says, apparently readin' my mind. "Prepare yourself for that, Cullen."

I just nod and leave, thinkin' that things sure are better than they were a couple weeks ago.

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah, Renee is a bitch. <strong>

**All that football dialog was right outta the show (which - I'm not sure if I've mentioned this - I do not own). I'm kinda hopeless at sports stuff.**

**Until next time...**


	20. Playoff

**SO MANY NEW READERS AND REVIEWERS! This makes me feel nice.**

**Some one (or many of you) recommended this little tale and got UTL nominated for Fic of the Week over at The Lemonade Stand. That's seriously cool, so thank you.**

**Stratan, star beta, is pretty cool too.**

**I have a snow day today. How awesome is that to have a snow day in college?**

**I hope you like this chapter. Thank you.**

**I don't own nothin'.**

* * *

><p>Love is redefined now that I'm with Edward. I think about it differently, conceptualize it differently. Love is tangible now, something that is so real to me that I can touch it.<p>

Love has never been more real for me.

Especially when we're alone, in those quiet private moments. But even out in the real world, it feels like we have a secret when he smiles at me across a crowed hall. He gives me crooked, just for me smile, and that love is so real to me.

I've found new parts of him to obsess over beyond the typical stuff that makes him attractive to every single female that's ever laid eyes on him. I like how he looks when he's sitting still – something that doesn't happen very often. I like the way he seems to revert back to a little kid when he's happy. I like that he's silly but no one really sees that but me.

Maybe we have a couple of secrets.

One is that he's ticklish, right on his ribs. It's not knowledge I can use to my advantage very often, being as I'm just as – if not more – ticklish.

I like his sex sounds.

And we're not free. Jasper still hates me, despite the fragile truce he seems to have called with Edward. I'm not comfortable letting the whole town know what's going on between Edward and me. He still doesn't think he deserves college, and he feels like he has to win State to prove his worth. My mother hates him, and the closet thing Edward has to a parental figure can burp more than one song. He drinks too much, and I worry about what everyone else thinks too much.

But even with all that going on, I'm happy. Blissfully happy. So happy I feel guilty about the way we got here and how Jasper is still suffering. So happy I worry it can't possibly last.

If Edward shares any of my concerns, he keeps them to himself. He probably doesn't, with the exception of football and Jasper. He's a total 'live in the moment' type of guy.

Even in school, with all those hateful people, I'm still amazingly and unprecedentedly happy.

With each day that passes, things get a little bit easier. People stare and harass me less. Things are still a little tense on the cheerleading squad with Lauren taking every possible opportunity to make me feel like a terrible person, but other than that, everything is much better. I much prefer their silence to their cruelty, even if I'm pretty much a social outcast now.

I've really only been spending time with people I actually like. I don't know what I was thinking before, wasting so much energy on people like Lauren. It was seriously ridiculous.

The Panthers tragic loss on Friday replaces Edward and me as the most talked about thing in the halls of Dillon High. Our spot in the playoffs is in jeopardy, and it has everyone on edge.

Especially the Panthers themselves. The pressure is getting to all of them. Edward too, even if he is better than the rest of them at hiding it.

But Alice, shockingly, is bearing the brunt of it.

"You okay, Alice?" Edward asks when Alice slams my car door with more force than necessary on Monday at lunch. Rose and I exchange glances as Alice lets out a growl.

"What are you staring at, Swan?" she shouts, scowling at me. "Drive! I need a goddamn milk shake."

I pull out of the parking lot and no one says anything all the way to lunch. No one dares speak until we're all settled in a corner booth with our fast food meals. Rose is the brave one.

"Okay, what's going on, pipsqueak?" Rose demands after we all watch Alice down a giant milkshake in a matter of seconds.

Really, how did she manage to do that?

"This town is seriously fucked up," she declares.

Edward chuckles next to me and Rose laughs.

"I thought you figured that out pretty much the moment you got here," Rose states, biting into her burger.

"Alice, what happened?" I ask, really concerned at this point.

"The motherfuckers in this town are evil, football obsessed morons with no lives and no futures that are too stupid to even recognize that they suck a big old dick," she rants before latching back on to her straw. I wince at the noise it makes as she attempts to get the last little bit of milkshake. Edward must be equally uncomfortable with the sound because he confiscates the empty cup. Alice crushes it in an attempt to hold on a moment longer, but Edward manages to wrestle it away from her.

"What specifically happened?" I ask.

"This town is psycho. Absolutely psycho. This weekend, our front yard was covered in for sale signs. Can you believe that? Like because Coach lost one game in the last thousand, we should get out of town!"

Not one of us is particularly shocked to hear this. It's happened before, and it will happen again. Panther's fans really are psycho.

"There were like twenty," Alice continues, gesturing wildly. "That means like twenty separate people are pissed enough at my dad because you shits can't play right that they put in the effort to procure those signs from various realtors and put them in my goddamn front yard."

We all just nod in sympathy. There isn't much to say. This town really is crazy.

"And then, just walking around school, minding my own business, people keep heckling, telling me to take my dad back east 'where they don't even have real football'," she continues, finally losing steam and collapsing back against the booth.

"I'm sorry, Alice," I say. "At least it will be over in another two weeks."

"Whoa," Edward says, turning to glare at me. "What do you mean over? I thought you said you just know that we're gonna make the playoffs? What the hell happened to that?"

"Baby, calm down," I say, rubbing his shoulder quickly and cursing myself for sayin' something like that when he wants State so bad. "I just meant that in two weeks, we'll all know for sure."

"And then there's playoffs to get through!" Edward shouts, pullin' at his hair. "Do you know how difficult that'll be? Goin' up against the best in the state?"

"And you better fucking win, Edward Cullen," Alice yells, jabbing her finger in his face and alarming us all. "You better win the whole goddamn thing or my dad is going to lose his job. Think about that, Cullen. Do you want that kind of responsibility weighting down on your conscience? Do you? Do you?"

Every one leaves lunch on edge. I knew some new thing would catch the interest of our peers. I just wish it wasn't Alice.

* * *

><p>"That's just about perfect, isn't it?" I ask, excited when I hear the news about Jasper coming to coach for the Panthers.<p>

"It would be perfect if he just let it be perfect," Alice says with a sigh as we walk towards AP history Tuesday after lunch.

"I don't get it," Edward puts in as the three of us pause in the doorway. He has to keep going to his math class, but we have a minute to talk. "Jazz turned down the job as QB coach? Why?"

"He didn't turn it down," Alice continues, sounding exasperated. "He just said he had to think about it."

Edward and I share a glance, both worrying that this too is somehow our fault. It's probably self-absorbed, but it feels like a lot of things have been our fault lately. It's becoming my default to be riddled with guilt.

"I guess I sorta get it," Alice says. "I mean, it's going to be weird as fuck getting back out there on that field. Ultimately, it will make him happy and be good for him, but right now I think he's probably thinking that taking this coaching job makes it officially over. Everything is different and moving on is really scary."

"Wow, Alice. That's pretty perceptive," I murmur.

"Yeah. That sounds about right," Edward says.

"Plus it will force him to feel stop feeling sorry for himself. I'm going over there tonight with a bottle of whiskey. He'll be at practice tomorrow. I'm sure of it." And with, that she marches on in to the classroom, leaving Edward and I to stare at each other in the hall.

"So I guess that's that," Edward says.

"You don't think we need to worry about this?" I ask, kinda already worrying about it.

"No way," Edward says, taking a few steps in the direction of his class. "Alice is goin' over there tonight with a bottle of whiskey. He'll be at practice tomorrow."

I sigh, shaking my head as he walks backwards down the hall, smirking at me until he disappears around the corner.

"She's sure of it!" Edward shouts, just out of my sight.

For whatever reason, his antics make me laugh.

I try not to worry about it. It is no longer my place to worry about it, but I want Jasper to be happy, and I agree with Alice. This seems like a fine opportunity to do just that.

* * *

><p>On Wednesday, Edward calls me the second he gets out of practice.<p>

"Jasper took the job," he says without so much of a hello. "We were gettin' changed before practice and Mike was blabbering on about how much he loves himself. Guess what Jazz says?"

"What does Jazz say?" I ask, grinning at Edward's enthusiasm.

"He says 'Newton, if you could run as fast as you talk, we'd probably score every play.' And then the whole team turns around to see him in that fancy blue polo and khakis all the coach's wear. Everyone flipped. It was a pretty great moment."

"It sounds pretty great," I reply.

"Seriously, that sounds like something Coach would say. It's obvious already. Jazz is gonna be great." Edward continues to gush. "He wouldn't really talk to me, but that don't matter. He's gonna be great. You'll see Friday."

* * *

><p>The Panthers win on Friday, much to my relief. It was kinda a slaughtering, actually, and in the last four minutes of the game – score 52 to 0 – Coach puts the second stringers in. The other team at least gets on the board. It's a pretty classy move for a coach who recently had twenty something signs stuck in his yard.<p>

It's amazing really, how they all seem to fit in a way they didn't last game or really at any point in their shockingly good season. I think it's Jasper. He's critical to the team, even if he ain't playing.

I make brief eye contact with Jasper as the team runs off to the locker rooms after shaking hands with their opponents. He does not return my smile but he doesn't glare at me like he did last time I saw him either.

Tonight, half of the high school waits outside the field house, wanting to celebrate now that the Panthers are that much closer to State. The atmosphere out here is jubilant, and I can tell it's gonna be a big party night for pretty much everyone else.

I'm still not up for it, although it has been awhile.

"Newtons?" Rosalie says, pleading with me. "Please? Pretty, pretty please?"

"No. Absolutely not."

"Have you even been to a party since Jazz got hurt?" she demands, hands on her hips as she scowls down at me.

"Probably," I mumble. My eyes don't leave the door where Edward and the rest of the Panthers will emerge as I zip up my hoodie in defense to the wind. "Don't you want to celebrate with your boyfriend?"

"I will celebrate with my boyfriend," Rose replies, grinning at me. "Just after the party. Please come."

"No."

"Bella," Rose says with a groan. "I'm tired of basking in your social outcastness. Let's just go, have a good time. The Panthers won! Nobody's gonna to care that you're screwin' the paralyzed star quarterback's best friend. Do you really think Edward's not gonna want to celebrate with the rest of the boys tonight? You're only young once. This is our only chance to enjoy senior year. Live a little."

I just stare at my best friend for a minute.

"Did you just use all of your arguments on me at once?" I ask.

"I used all of my arguments on you at once," she replies with a nod. Oh boy, she's gettin' weird. I think Emmett's rubbing off on her. "Did any of them work?"

"Not a one."

"Bella," she whines, actually stomping her foot.

"Go with Alice," I say, nodding as the girl in question stomps on over to us. She flashes someone a smile that doesn't quite look like a smile. It's a caricature of a smile. A sarcastic smile.

"What the hell is wrong with all these people? Four days ago they wanted us to move, and now they're all, 'damn your dad coached a mean game'," she says using a bizarre voice to imitate the citizens of the town. She has yet to master the Texas twang.

"Hey, do you want to go out?" Rose asks.

Alice looks at Rose dubiously. Rose magically produces a flask from some unknown place within her cheerleading uniform, trying to be sneaky as she waggles it at Alice.

"Well damn, Rose," Alice says, grinning now. "You've convinced me. It will be like an anthropological study. Let's see how many of these people who were dicks to me last week suddenly love me cuz my daddy won the game."

Rose and Alice high five.

"You in, Bella? Same study could easily apply to you except about Edward and sex," Alice says, hunching her shoulders as she brings Rose's flask to her lips, attempting to hide her underage drinking.

"Nope. Not interested."

Alice and Rose look like they are both about to argue with me but then a cheer goes up, indicating that the boys have emerged. Edward, Jake, Ben and Mike Newton come out first and are immediately mobbed with high fives, hugs, and handshakes. These boys are the stars of Panther football, the most visible players. They grin, enjoying the attention, but Edward's eyes search beyond all that craziness, finding me.

Again, when he looks at me like that, it feels like we have a secret, something special and just for us.

But still, the way they are fawned over like celebrities can't be healthy for their teenage boy brains. Or maybe I'm just cranky because all the rally girls seem to flock straight to Edward.

"This town is so fucked up," Alice mutters, shaking her head as she observes the spectacle.

Alice and Rose continue to plan their night as I watch Edward struggle to get to me. I smile because I can see him getting progressively more irritated as more and more people slow his progress. Everyone wants a piece of him.

"Hey," he says, running a hand through his hair as he finally gets to my side. It's very distracting because the move stretches out his whole abdomen. He's only snapped closed one button on his plaid shirt so I can see a whole lot of skin.

"Hey," I reply, biting my lip as I try not to gawk. "Well done."

"You played real good," Rose says, smacking him on the back. "All y'all did."

"Real good," I echo. I turn towards him, snapping together a few more of those buttons because it's just way too sexy given all these girls everywhere.

He catches my chin in his fingers, tilting my face towards his as I let my hands trail down his stomach.

"Wow, that's some high praise, Swan. Thanks for noticing."

I smile but we both seem to realize at the same moment that we are being far too intimate out here for all the world to see. He drops his hand, and I take a step back, not feelin' to happy about it.

Jake joins our little group then, throwing an arm around Alice and Rose. They look pretty ridiculous what with Alice half the height of Jacob and Rose half his width.

"One more game before the real work begins," Jake yells, hugging them both close and shaking my friends slightly. "We've got to celebrate!"

"Oh, dear God," mutters Alice.

"Yes!" agrees Rose, high fiving Jake. "Straight to State!"

Pretty much everyone within hearing range whoops in reply.

I smile because there is a bad component to this town's obsession, but there is real community too. That's the part I try to hold on to.

"My man Mikey is havin' a little celebratory get together," Jake continues as if we don't already know. There is always a little celebratory get together at Mike's. Pretty much constantly. "You ladies best be in attendance."

"Talk to that one," Rose says moving away from Jake and waving her hand in my face. I smack her away, losing patience with all of this. I just want to crawl into my amazingly comfortable bed and fall asleep ten minutes into a chick flick. "Alice and I are in."

"Aw, come on, Bells," Jake says, grabbing me by my shoulders and shaking me a bit. Why in the world is that something he is doing tonight? "Don't be a party pooper."

"Sorry," I say, shaking my head. "I'm pooped."

Mike comes over and starts to recount all of his awesome plays as if we didn't just see it not very long ago. Edward dips his head, talking in my ear.

"You don't want to go?" he asks.

I shake my head.

"Not ever a little bit?"

"Edward, not you, too," I reply with a groan. "I want to go to bed."

"Oh, really?" he asks, giving me that all too familiar smirk.

"Not like that," I reply, giggling as I give him a little shove. "I'm gonna be asleep within five minutes of getting home. You should go, honey."

"No, no," he replies, shaking his head and watching as Rose's flask gets passed around. "Sleep sounds good. I like sleep."

"Edward," I say, trying not to laugh. He so obviously wants to go out, but I do appreciate his willingness to partake in my lame evening. It's sweet, endearing. "Go. Really, its fine."

His eyes narrow as he studies me. "Now, I never have really had a girlfriend before, so I might be wrong, but this feels like a trick. Like you're sayin' it's fine but not meanin' it. Girls do that, right?"

Again, I just have to smile because he is so damn cute.

"No," I reply, shaking my head. "I don't do that. I mean what I say. Go have fun with your friends. Celebrate Panther victory!"

"You sure?" he asks, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear.

I nod.

"Leave your window unlocked."

"Always."

* * *

><p>Edward crawls into my window and then my bed sometime around one AM. I smile against his lips when they find mine in the dark. Edward of the past would never ever have been home from a night of partying this early. Most nights, old Edward would see the sun rise through drunk eyes.<p>

It's things like this, him getting in my window after only a few hours apart, that make me truly believe he loves me. Right down to my bones. The thought warms me up and is so thrilling I pull him closer even as he backs off, probably thinkin' I still want to sleep.

I got my nap. I'm good to go.

He tastes like whiskey, and I find myself on top of him, undoing all those snaps I buttoned only a couple hours ago. Edward lets out a deep chuckle, obviously both surprised and pleased to be greeted with this level of enthusiasm, but he catches on real quick.

We tumble around in a mad dash to get our clothes off but I end up on top again, loving that look of awe on his face. I pause, needing a moment to catch up. He lets me, just tracing his hands up my thighs and torso without rushing me.

I kiss him deeply before connecting us. This feeling of intimacy and that real, live feeling of love makes my heart stop and compels me to move all at once.

It's just so damn good. Better than I ever thought it could be. It's so good that at one point, Edward has to cover my mouth, remembering that my parents are sleeping soundly in this house when I forget to remember anything at all.

After, I lay on his chest, just looking up at him even though it's too dark to see very well. We don't talk because we don't need too. Edward runs his thumb over my bottom lip and my eyes drift shut.

* * *

><p>"I should go."<p>

"I know you should," I say, snuggling more firmly into his side.

"You touchin' me like this really isn't going to help me get out of here any earlier," he points out, cradling my head.

"It's Saturday morning. It's practically a law that you're supposed to sleep in," I murmur, closing my eyes again. I woke a couple minutes ago as Edward attempted to get out of here without waking me. He always does this after sneaking in my window, and with good reason. The kitchen is right below my room so he has to get out before my parents post up for hours, reading their newspapers and drinking their coffee.

I know he tries to get out early to keep me from getting in trouble but that doesn't mean I like waking up alone.

"Well, if you would have come out last night then we would have ended up back at my place and right now we would be sound asleep. Or partaking in some morning sex," he points out, again making no move to get out of my bed.

"I just didn't feel up to bein' with all those people," I say. "So how was it?"

"The way it always is," Edward replies. "Everyone went pretty crazy, carrying on like we're already made the playoffs. Now, I'm not overly superstitious, but it seems like they're all jinxin' us. The Rangers ain't gonna go down easy Friday night."

Success seems to mean more to him than it once did. Since we've gotten together, he's wanted to do well like he didn't before. I can tell by the way he takes practice more seriously, rarely showing up drunk or hung over. It's like since he's been able to freely admit how much he cares about me, he's been able to care about other things too.

That's my hypothesis anyway.

"Well, you have the whole damn week to get ready," I reply, dropping a kiss to his chest.

"You know, people were askin' about you last night," he says, changing the subject. "They were askin' me, specifically."

"Oh, really?" I ask, not minding so much. It's probably pretty obvious that something's goin' on between us. Before everything went public, it wasn't unusual at all to see Edward and I spending a good chunk of time together, both in school and out. Now it causes talk. But they're right. A lot has changed.

"Yeah. Tanya Denali was especially interested," Edward continues with a slight grimace.

This information has me sitting straight up in bed.

"Tanya Denali? What the hell are you doin' hangin' out with her of all people?" I demand.

"Now Bella, don't go upsettin' yourself."

"I'm not upsetting myself. You're upsetting me."

Edward lets out a big sigh, attempting to touch me again. I bat his hands away as I scowl down at him.

"I wasn't hangin out with her," he tells me. "We both just happened to be at the same party. I didn't go out of my way to see her. Just the opposite actually."

"Is there a reason you're telling me this?" I demand. "Or are you just tryin' to get me to let you sneak out of here? Because it's gone, Edward. You've officially killed my good mood."

"Will you relax? I just thought you'd want to know that she slapped me. There will probably be talk," he explains.

Suddenly, I'm pissed for a whole new reason.

"She hit you?" I ask, my voice rising in volume as I internalize what he's told me. "_She_ hit you?"

"Keep it down, will yah?" Edward says, glancing nervously at my door as if my father's gonna come busting in with a shotgun at any moment. "She was pretty drunk, asked me where you were, and got pissed when I wouldn't do anything but shrug at her."

"What a bitch. I can't believe she hit you."

"Yeah, it was a good one too."

"I'm gonna slap her even harder next time I see her," I decide, settling back down next to Edward. He slips his hands under his shirt that I wiggled into at some point last night. I only snapped closed one button.

"No, you're not. Just let it go."

"What the hell is with the Denali women slappin' the men I care about most?"

Edward just shrugs. Not that I expected an explanation.

"What did you see in her, anyway?" I ask before I can stop myself. We both wince at my question. I find Edward's past unpleasant and just a little bit intimidating. Usually, I don't think about it, but when I do, it's hard to stop wondering just how many girls he's comparing me to.

"Can we not get into this?"

"Are we ever going to get into it?"

"No," he says. "Not if I can help it."

I grimace because I witnessed it all. I heard most of the dirty details, either from Jasper or the girls on the squad – never Edward himself. I hated it then, and I understand that hate a whole lot better now. Even before I recognized the extent of my feelings for him, I was horribly, irrationally jealous.

I don't like the return of these feelings. Not one bit.

"You're it, you know," he murmurs.

"I'm what?"

"Well, besides being the only girl I've ever loved," he says, rolling on top of me and hovering so our faces are inches apart. The color of his eyes makes me a little dizzy. "You, Swan, are it. The best I've ever had."

He always seems to know just what to say to make me happy and drive me crazy all at once.

"Likewise," I reply, wrapping my arms around him and enjoying the feel of his skin.

Unfortunately, a loud knock on my door effectively ends the moment and serves to remind me that we are in fact breaking a whole lot of rules here.

"Bella? You up?"

"One minute, Dad!" I call back, trying to keep the panic out of my voice.

"What was that thump?" Charlie asks.

"Nothing! Just one little second!"

The thump was actually me shoving off Edward with enough force to send him flying off the bed. It's for the best. He can't be seen while he's down there on the far side of the bed. He grumbles something at me but I'm too busy leaping out of bed and attempting to pull on my robe.

When I finally get myself covered up and to the door, I glance over my shoulder to make sure Edward is out of sight. Satisfied that nothing looks too out of place, I open my door to Charlie, just the littlest crack so I can get my head out.

"What's up?" I ask.

"What are you doin' right this minute?" he asks.

"Uh, sleeping?"

"You're not sleepin'," he points out unnecessarily. "I'm takin' you to brunch."

I'm surprised to hear this. Saturday mornings spent at the diner were once a Swan family tradition. Even if the three of us were busy, we'd have Saturday mornings to catch up and be a family.

That stopped this summer.

Charlie in particular has seemed like he's tryin' to give me my space, especially since my little outburst in Hawaii when I confessed my cheatin' ways. It's kinda nice that he's standing here, wanting to be a family again.

"Okay," I say, suddenly feelin' shy. It really has been a long time since we spent much time together. It's a little shameful how I've been avoiding him. "Give me twenty minutes."

"Great, sweetie. It's gonna be just great."

* * *

><p>The car ride is mostly silent and somewhat awkward.<p>

Renee doesn't join us, nor was she even home when we left. At first, it was a little disappointing, but then I remember how terrible she is in regards to Edward.

It's better this way. Dad and I need this time. I need to let him know that I forgive him, that despite everything, I really do love him.

We get settled in a both and place our orders. I get a veggie omelet, and he gets biscuits and gravy, the same things we always get at the diner. We exchange smiles, both pleased that at least this one little thing is the same.

"It's been a good long time since we've done this," Charlie says, leaning back and stirring his coffee. "Too long, if you ask me."

I nod.

"Do you remember the first time we came here? The night we moved to Dillon? It was so late and this place was the only thing open. We'd been driving all day and were so slap happy," Dad says, continuing to grin.

"And you said something so funny that I ended up spitting a mouthful of water all over Mom," I finish for him, returning to grin. "To this day I don't think I've ever laughed harder, and I can't even remember what you said!"

"That's the best part of that family tale," Charlie says, chuckling. "Not one of us can remember what I said."

We laugh, even though Renee's absence is glaring at us. I wonder fleetingly if things have gotten worse with them. I've been so wrapped up in my own problems lately, I haven't paid attention to theirs. I resolve to be a better daughter from now on.

Dad's trip down memory lane is a good icebreaker that reminds us both of the times when we were close, when he was my hero. Conversation is nice after that. He asks about school and cheerleading and student government. He expresses enthusiasm about my choice to go to Colorado, sayin' that it will give him an excuse to visit and ski. I tell him I should be hearing back from DU in the next couple weeks, and he assures me I'll get in when I express doubt.

"So, I gotta ask," Charlie says, getting serious all of a sudden as he pushes his cleared plate away. "Edward Cullen."

"That's not a question, Dad," I say, teasing him a little to hide how uncomfortable this makes me. "That's the name of the Dillon Panther's star fullback."

Charlie grins a little at this. It seemed like a good idea to remind my dad just what my boyfriend is doing for the team.

"The question is what exactly is goin' on with you and Edward Cullen?" he asks.

"Aw, Dad. We've never talked about boys before. Do we really have to start now?" I say, whining only a little bit.

"We have to start now because everyone else is talkin' about it, too," he says. "So, is he your boyfriend? Or whatever you kids are callin' it these days."

I laugh. "What else would we call it?"

"Bella, just answer the question."

"Yes, I would say he's my boyfriend. We haven't really talked about it, but we're definitely together. We've just keepin' it quiet, given the circumstances," I explain.

"What does that even mean? Never mind, I don't wanna know. You just tell me if he's treatin' my little girl right. I know a thing or two about that boy's reputation."

"He's treatin' me right. I promise."

"Bella, I don't like this. Not one bit. Not after you were crying all over the place in Hawaii," he says, shaking his head. At least his concerns are more real than my mom's. His come from a place of love, at least.

"That wasn't his fault," I say. "It was mine. And I'm not confused anymore. I know how I feel. He really isn't that guy, the one you're thinking he is anyway. He's different, better than all that."

Charlie just nods a lot. "I think I need to get to know this new boy of yours. Make sure he's up to my standards."

I roll my eyes but don't comment. It's kinda nice that Charlie wants to get to know Edward.

"Does he hunt?" my father demands.

"Dad, I don't want you to have a gun anywhere near him!" I shriek, horrified by the thought.

"We'll go huntin'," Charlie says to himself, nodding some more.

There is no way I'm going to let that happen.

I finish my meal and Charlie hands his credit card to the waitress.

"Sweetie, I gotta talk to you about something," he says. It makes me nervous because I have absolutely no idea what it could be.

"Okay," I reply, bracing myself.

"Well, it's actually…" he trails off, lookin' absolutely tortured.

"Dad, what is it?" I push.

"Oh, nothin' big, sweetie. I just want to take your car in for some detailing. You know, a tune up."

"Oh," I say, relaxing slightly. "Is that all? Because it seems to be runnin' fine."

"Just a tune up," he repeats. "Now, I know that there are some issues gettin' a bus for the squad for next Friday's away game. So, I figure you'll just have to catch a ride with your old man. Is that alright?"

"Sure, Dad," I reply, finding this whole conversation a little bizarre. "It's great."

* * *

><p>"Nice truck, Chuck," Alice says, rolling down the widow with the hand crank. "Is it cool if I smoke in here?"<p>

Charlie chuckles, amused by Alice's typical candor. I don't think I've ever heard anyone my age refer to my dad as anything but Mr. Swan and no one any age has dared call him Chuck.

Alice is different. As usual.

"Does your daddy know you do that?" Charlie asks, nodding towards the cigarette case in my friend's hand. "It must drive him crazy."

"Sure does," Alice replies, sticking her hand out the window. "Sometimes, he makes me run to torture me, but I'm eighteen. There's not much he can do about it other than guilt trip me."

Dad laughs again and I sit squished in the middle of the two, watching all the bonding.

"Go ahead, Alice. This old truck has seen a cigarette or two in its day. You know I've had this good old Chevy longer than I've had Bella, hell, longer than I've had Bella's mother," he says. I roll my eyes because I know exactly what he's gonna say next, down to the inflection. "This old girl still runs like the day I got her. It's some American workmanship right here."

Alice lights her cigarette.

"Hey, why are we taking this anyway?" I ask. "You're new car has much more room."

"It's in the shop. Tune up. Just like your vehicle. Plus, it's not too terribly crowded. Alice don't mind, do you, Alice?"

"Not one bit," she replies, blowing smoke out the window. "Wind's in my hair and the sun's on my face."

"And we're on the way to see our Panthers make State," Charlie continues. "Don't get much better than this."

"Yee haw," Alice shouts, sticking her head out the window and waving at the car behind us. We're all caravanning to the game. The whole town seems to be coming out for this one.

The whole town comes out for most games.

"Yee Haw!" Charlie responds, sticking his head out his own window and honking away on his horn. Everyone in the caravan honks back for a couple seconds.

I smile because it's times like this that I do actually like football and Dillon and all of it. It's times like this I'll miss next year.

Alice turns up the radio and sings country music at the top of her lungs. It's equally shocking and infectious. Charlie and I join in as we make our way to Ranger territory.

* * *

><p>The game is a real nail biter. We score first, but the Rangers score on the very next series of downs. Right before the half, the Rangers get seven more on the board so our boys head to the locker rooms behind.<p>

Coach Masen's specialty is comebacks right out of the half, pumpin up the team and inspiring them. The game's so exciting and the energy from the stands is palatable.

Edward winks at me as he runs by after the half, and I resist the urge to blow him a kiss. That wouldn't be appropriate even if we were totally public with our relationship. He doesn't need his girlfriend blowing him kisses from the sidelines in front of his teammates in the middle of the game that determines their fate.

The second half is just as exciting as the first. The Panthers break our hearts with one play and raise our spirits the next. They play hard. Edward runs and dodges exceptionally, even if his blocking and tackling still terrifies me.

Edward gets in the end zone in the last twenty seconds, putting the Panthers up by four. I squeal on the sidelines, jumping up and down with my arms around Rose as the seconds tick away and we officially make it to State.

I rush the field with the rest of the fans that pour out of the stands. Without even thinking about it, I search out my Panther, number thirty-three. I leap at him, so overjoyed for him that I don't even think about locking my arms around his neck.

He lifts me off the ground, his strong arms around my waist, and I hide my face in his neck. I'm so happy I'm crying which is alarming for a couple reasons. I'm not used to being this emotionally invested in football, but after everything with Jasper, and Edward caring so much, I can't help but care, too.

"Are you cryin'?" he asks, continuing to hold me off the ground. Edward puts his lips close to my ear. It's hard to hear with all the people celebrating around us.

"No."

"Liar."

"I'm just to happy," I tell him with a sob.

Edward throws back his head and laughs, spinning me a little. He stops abruptly, tense as he sets me down and takes a step back. I look at him, confused for a moment, before I realize just where we are.

And just who else can see us.

I turn, following the direction of Edward's gaze. Jasper's less than ten feet away, not paying attention to all the people offering him congratulations in favor of staring at us intently.

I can't tell what his look means. Not at all. It's not happy, but it certainly isn't as heartbroken as I would expect.

I take a step towards him, even though I have no idea what to say or do. I just want to make it better somehow, even though there probably is no way to make it better. My feet move slowly, giving my brain time to come up with just what to say, but I stop when Jasper looks away.

Looks towards Alice.

Jasper looks towards Alice and smiles. She approaches him slowly, grinning like a maniac. She plops herself down in his lap like it's the most natural thing in the world. Like she's done it a thousand times before. She wraps her arms around his neck, and he returns the hug. Jasper closes his eyes as he holds Alice, and he looks at peace.

This shouldn't be so shocking to me. It makes complete sense, but for a moment, I just stand there, lettin' myself be shocked.

But then I smile at them because things are finally starting to feel right.

This time, when Rose pleads with me to go out, I agree. Edward tells me to meet him at his house after I change and everything. Alice and I ride back with my dad. We listen to Charlie excitedly recount the game, and I don't feel quite so guilty for being happy.

* * *

><p>"I tell you what," Charlie says, draping an arm across my shoulders as we walk up the driveway. "That boy of yours sure can play."<p>

"That he can," I agree, still feeling giddy. Charlie tries to turn the knob on the front door, frowning when he finds it locked.

"I don't know what you're gonna do to celebrate," he says as gets the key in the lock. "But I'm gonna bring Coach Masen a fine bottle of whiskey. We'll enjoy that plus a couple of good cigars."

"That sound appropriate for a man of your age," I say, nodding as I follow him through the front door. Charlie elbows me in pretend offence at my quip about him being an old man.

"Renee!" Dad calls after closing the door behind us. There is no response. "That's unusual. She didn't mention havin' plans tonight."

"Maybe she's already in bed."

We go upstairs to check it out. When we see the disheveled state of the room, I wish we hadn't looked. My brain doesn't really comprehend what all the clutter and the chaos means.

My mom isn't here, and something is very wrong. This much is clear.

* * *

><p><strong>I know, I know. Cliffies are rough.<strong>

**I'd love to here your predictions, thoughts, love, hate, whatever. They will probably help me put this snow day to good use and crank out the next chappie.**


	21. Gone like the Wind

"To the long road ahead, gentlemen," I say, raising my shot glass to the ceiling. "Straight to State! Let's make some memories!"

Ben, Jake, and I clink our glasses together, all grimacing slightly when the cheap liquid hits our throats.

"Losin' memories is more like it," Ben mutters, wiping the back of his hand over his mouth. "That's rough."

"Toughen up, Benny," Jake says, grabbing his shoulder and shakin' QB1 around. "You know what else is gonna be rough?"

"State?" Ben ventures.

"State!" Emmett shouts in response, coming through the front door with a thirty-rack and girls in tow. I stare hopefully, wantin' Bella to be among them, but it's just Rosalie, Alice, and Angela.

There is a lot of huggin' and greetin' as everyone forgets that we all saw each other an hour and a half ago in the next town over.

"Where's Bella?" I ask Alice as I hand her a can, keeping my voice low.

"Relax, lover boy," she says, shaking her head at me. "When she and Charlie dropped me off at home, she said she'd meet me here."

"Charlie?" I ask, shocked that they are on a first name basis.

Alice just laughs at me, and we set about the business of gettin' our buzz on before heading over to Newton's. I glance at the front door every couple seconds as I drink, laugh and talk. Hopefully nobody notices.

"Well, should we head on over to Mike's?" Jake suggests. "You ladies about ready?"

"Keep your pants on, Jacob," Rose snaps. Sometimes I forget that the two of them never really got along. "Bella's not here yet."

"Damn, what is that girl doin' with herself?" Jake mutters shaking her head. "Somebody call her."

"How 'bout another round?" I ask as a distraction.

Three rounds later, I am seriously doubting that anyone should be gettin' behind the wheel of a vehicle. Except maybe Alice. She's not even plannin' on going to Mike's. She won't say why, but I have my suspicions and they involve a certain former quarterback, current coach.

My head is in the fridge when I hear a cheer go up behind me. Everyone yells Bella's name, and I bang my head on the roof of the fridge in my haste to turn around to get a good look at her.

Even if I'm not allowed to touch her, I sure can look at her.

I have to crane my neck to see around Jake who is lecturing her about promptness. When I finally get to her, it only takes me about two seconds to figure out that something is not right. Not right at all.

First of all, she looks totally overwhelmed, like she completely forgot that all these people would be here. Second of all, she is dressed only in a plaid shirt of mine that looks more like a dress and a pair of black tights. Bella is kinda girly, and the only casual type attire she wears in public is Panther gear.

Angela hugs her and Bella looks a little panicked.

"Are you okay, Bella?" Angela asks.

I can tell its hard work for her, but she manages to morph her facial expression into a bright and happy one. I hate that she feels the need to fake it like that, but right now I'm more concerned with whatever is distressin' her.

"I'm fine. The Panthers are in the playoffs!"

Everyone sends up a cheer and goes back to what they're doing. I seize the opportunity to talk to her, because frankly, she's freaking me the hell out.

"Bella, are you okay?" I ask, leaning over her as if I can protect her from this unforeseen threat with my body.

She looks up at me with wide, sad eyes and shakes her head. No, she certainly ain't okay.

"I can't go to the party," she whispers, sounding like she's tryin' really hard to keep from crying. "Can I just stay here?"

"Of course you can, love," I say, reaching out for her. She takes a step away from me, glancing around at all the people in my house. "You'll stay right here with me."

"No, you've made playoffs. You gotta go celebrate," she murmurs, being absolutely ridiculous.

"Stop that," I reply, my voice probably a little harsher than necessary. "I'm not goin' anywhere, Bella. Just give me a minute to get rid of everyone."

It only takes me about two minutes to remind Jake about the party at Mike' s. Alice agrees to drop off the lot of them, seeming to understand like she always does that Bella needs them gone.

I close the door behind them, assuring a slurring Jake that we're gonna leave in just a few minutes. My lie appeases him, and I let out a breath, relieved that they're gone.

Before I can even turn around Bella is wrapping her arms around me from behind. I bring her around to hug her proper, kissing the top of her head even as I internally freak out, wonderin' what it could be.

"Bella, what happened?"

She lets out a sigh as she pulls away from me, taking my hand and leading me over to the couch. She sits with her knees pulled up to her chin, just like she always does when she's upset. This time she keeps my hand against her chest. She studies my rough fingertips.

Guess it looks like I'm just gonna have to wait it out. She'll start talkin' when she's ready.

"I like you in that shirt, Swan," I say, just to make her smile. It works for a minute, and she kisses the palm of my hand.

"I shouldn't even be surprised," she murmurs after another moment of silence. "I feel so stupid for being blindsided like this. It's been a long time coming."

For a minute, I think she might be talking about Alice and Jasper. I saw her face when she saw them huggin' after the game tonight. She was definitely both shocked and blindsided. I don't want to think like this, but I can't help wondering if she's jealous.

"Things have obviously been strained for months, but I didn't think it was this bad!" Okay, probably not Alice and Jasper. It's very bad, but I'm damn happy she isn't upset about that. "I'm a terrible daughter. I wasn't payin' enough attention. Now it's all over."

"Oh, honey," I say, finally getting it. "Your parents are getting a divorce?"

Bella winces at the word. "I guess. I don't know. My mom is just gone."

"Gone?" I ask.

"When we got home, all her clothes and stuff were gone," she says. "She left in a hurry too, if the state of my parents' room is any indication. I thought she'd been abducted after a scuffle or something. Charlie knew right away what happened."

My heart breaks for Bella because I know just how that is, to come home to that exact situation. It also makes me furious with Renee especially in light of all the opinions the women had regarding Bella's wellbein'.

"I am so sorry, Bella," I murmur, pulling her into my chest. She fists her hand in my shirt and sniffs a little. "So very, very sorry."

"I called her, and she answered, so it's not like she just disappeared. Not like your…"

I understand her hesitation. The whole thing with my mom is not something I like to talk about ever. Not even with Emmett.

"Like my mom," I finish for her. She looks like she's about to comfort me but that's just ridiculous. "What did your mom say? When you called her?"

"That she's on her way to visit my aunt in Florida. At first, she tried to make it sound like nothing is wrong, but then I asked why she would visit with all of her stuff, and she confessed that she didn't know when she'd come back. Or even if she'll come back at all."

"Wow." I feel like a fuckin' moron because I don't have the slightest idea what to say. And I of all people should know exactly what to say, but I just don't.

"Don't you look at me like that," she says, closing her eyes. "I'm not going to break into a million little pieces. I'm okay. Things are getting better with my dad, and it's not like I'm gonna be here for much longer. Maybe it will be good."

I stare down at her for a moment. She opens her eyes and gives me that fake smile that I just hate. It breaks my heart a little more. I kiss her chastely, tyin' to provide a little comfort.

"You don't have to be like that with me," I whisper, keeping my fingers on her chin. "You can be sad if you feel sad."

She sniffs three times before the tears start. They aren't violent, full-body sobs like I've seen from her before. It's just quiet. And wet.

"Thank you," she says after a good long while of me just holding her.

"No need for that," I reply, kissing her forehead. "I'm here for you the way you've been there for me a thousand times over."

"I love you," she murmurs, pushin' my hair back and kissing me. "So incredibly much."

"I love you, too."

* * *

><p>"I don't get it," Rosalie declares as we all sit around, eating breakfast the next morning. Bella's just filled her in on the Renee situation.<p>

"What's not to get?" Bella asks. She's just moving her scrambled eggs around her plate and not eatin' anything. "She's gone and has no plans of coming back."

"That's what I don't get," Rose replies. "Come on, Bella. You know as well as I do the type of lady your mom is."

Bella just stares at her friend blankly.

"Don't make me say it," Rose pleads. Bella keeps quiet. "Okay, don't get mad at me for sayin' this, but your mom is kinda a gold digger type lady."

Bella sighs, nods, and hands me her virtually untouched plate. I hesitate before taking it from her, wanting her to eat but not daring to say anything.

"What's your point, Rose?" Bella snaps.

"My point is that it don't make sense. Do you remember what she told you about staying with your dad this summer? That she didn't want to give up her life? The woman stayed with her cheatin' husband even though everybody knew everything because she liked her life. So what changed? Why would she change her mind now?"

Bella leans back on the couch, thinkin' hard, and I wish Rosalie hadn't said anything.

"Why would she change her mind now?" Bella echoes. Both girls are silent for a moment before Bella abruptly stands. "I gotta go."

"What?" I ask, not liking this at all. "It's Saturday. Where do you gotta be?"

"Home, Edward," Bella says, sounding annoyed. But then she sees me lookin' sad. She bends down to give me a quick kiss. "I tucked my dad into bed last night with a bottle of whiskey, makin' sure he was asleep before I came over here. I just want to be around today. He was pretty torn up."

I walk her to the door, hugging her long and hard before letting her go. She's gone about three seconds before coming back in.

"You missed me," I say, grinin' at her. "Didn't you? Couldn't bear to stay away."

Bella smiles. I sure love it when Bella smiles.

"I walked here last night," she explains, looking embarrassed. "I'd be mighty grateful if you gave me a lift."

I pretend to think about it for a minute before throwing my arm around her shoulders and walkin' her to the truck.

* * *

><p>Although the rest of our conference has one more game, this week is a bye week for us which is pretty great with us securing our spot in the playoffs and everything. It's also Thanksgiving week. Dillon seems to be changing the holiday into a celebration of the Panthers.<p>

That don't mean we get much of a break. Coach don't want us to get lazy, to forget what the stakes are in coming weeks.

The Thanksgiving Day Parade is gonna be on Friday instead, and it's pretty heavy on the Panthers, ending with a pep rally and party at Bella's daddy's dealership. I can't really believe he's up for hosting all that, but Bella says he's busy pretending everything is normal, and normal for Mr. Swan is immersing himself in the Panthers.

"It's sad, really," Bella muses, watching me kick off my boots after I crawl through her window Monday night. She sits cross-legged in the middle of her bed, wearing a flannel shirt of mine. I love her in my clothes, but I really hope she isn't planning on keeping everything she's been stealing lately. I don't got many shirts. "He's just totally in denial. Goin' to work every day just as happy as can be. I don't think he's even told any of his friends, except maybe Coach Masen. The only real difference is that he's drinkin' himself to sleep every night."

"Is that why you have me over here so early?" I ask, sitting on the end of her bed. I pull off my socks and then slip out of my jeans before lying down next to her with my head in her lap.

"Yes," she replies, her fingers finding their way into my hair. "I just don't know what to do about any of it."

"Nothin' much you can do, love," I tell her. "Just give him some time."

"Time," she scoffs, shaking her head as she stares down at me. "That's your solution for just about every problem. You and me, Jasper, Charlie."

"It's workin' out okay? Ain't it?"

"I suppose."

She's still cranky that I've had one conversation with Jasper while she's had none.

"Do you got a better idea?"

"No," she mutters. "I just don't like all the sitting around and waiting. I'm a very proactive person, Edward."

"I know, baby. I know it."

"Renee couldn't have picked a worse time to get outta dodge with the holidays and everything," she says. I close my eyes, enjoying the feeling of her fingers against my scalp. "Rose has to be right. Something else is goin' on."

"The holidays are overrated," I mutter.

"They weren't overrated in my house. Just last year they were cheesy and perfect."

"We'll, you're welcome to join our traditional Cullen holiday celebrations," I say. "Em and I just get really drunk. And light stuff on fire."

Bella's laughter makes my head bop around.

"I think we should go. Let's just get the hell out of Dillon," she says, sighing.

"Where do you want to go, baby?"

"Colorado," she replies immediately.

"Let's fuckin' do it," I say with a chuckle.

"I'm serious," she says, lightly smacking my chest. I grab her hand, keeping it against me. "It can't be more than twelve hours, and we have three days off. That's twenty-four hours of driving for four days in Colorado."

"Did you get in?" I ask, getting excited. Bella and I haven't really talked about the whole college thing since the night Jasper found us out. "Did you find out?"

"No," she says. "But I will."

"Have you even decided where you want to go yet?"

"I want to be near you," she says. That's such a novelty to me. That she wants to be near me enough to factor me into her plans. "I never really had a dream school or anything. Now all I really want is a good education anywhere that isn't in Texas. If DU is as great as it appears to be on paper and Google, then yes. I've made my decision."

I just stare up at her. For the first time in my entire life, the future looks good. Damn good. So fucking good it scares me. But this moment is too big to waste bein' fearful.

I kiss her, deeply. When I pull away she looks flushed and disorientated.

"So we're goin' to Colorado?" she murmurs.

"Looks like it."

"Can we leave right after school tomorrow?" she asks.

"I wish." Her face falls and I hate myself a little. I've always wanted to give her everything. "If we could, I would take you to Colorado right this minute. But think about everything that's goin' on this week. I've got football. You've got your dad."

Bella groans. "I can't leave my dad alone on Thanksgiving."

"No. Plus who would Emmett light stuff on fire with?"

Bella laughs as she reaches across me to turn off the light on her bedside table. She snuggles down next to me, readjusting so my head is now on her shoulder and my arm draped across her stomach.

"You're coming over here for Thanksgiving," she decides. "Emmett, too. You can light things on fire in the street."

* * *

><p>Emmett seems nervous as we walk up Bella's driveway Thursday. He keeps fidgeting with his tie. Why he even wore a tie is beyond me.<p>

"You sure this is okay?" he asks, waving around the bottles of wine he has in each hand. I get it. I can't remember the last time we had a proper Thanksgiving with the meal and everything. This whole day seems foreign and fancy.

"Bella said we had to bring wine, rolls, and our good lookin' selves." I have the rolls. They look nice and flaky. "Relax. It's just Bella and her dad. And Coach and Alice. We've dined with them before."

"I am obviously perfectly relaxed," he declares as he pounds on the door. Bella opens the door a second later, grinning at me as she uses the collar of my jacket to pull me down for a nice, heated kiss.

Emmett sighs next to me as the kiss continues on for longer than is totally necessary.

"I feel so unloved," he says as Bella pulls away and takes a step back, letting us inside.

"Hi, Emmett," Bella says. "Welcome to Thanksgiving. The guys are in there, watching football."

"Great," Emmett says, handing Bella his bottles and disappearing in the direction she indicated.

I try to do the same but Bella is havin' none of that. She drags me into the kitchen even though I have no idea what use I could possibly be in there.

"Sup, Cullen," Alice says, sitting on the counter and munching on a carrot. "This holiday is weird."

I look at Bella, needing her to decode Alice for me.

"Alice has never celebrated Thanksgiving before. Her mom is against it because of all the killing and destruction of the Native Americans and what not."

I just blink a lot, having no idea what to say 'bout that.

"She's against genocide as a rule," Alice says, nodding.

"Right," I say, running my hand through my hair. "Well, here's the bread. I'm just gonna go in there. Catch a quick minute of the game."

"It's also weird because Ms. Platt is here," Alice continues before I can make escape.

"Ms. Platt?"

"You know. Ms. Platt," Bella says rather unhelpfully. "Guidance counselor, general hottie about school."

"Hottie?" I ask, completely baffled.

"Shut up, Bella," Alice growls, throwing a bag of almonds at Bella. I catch it before it can hit my lady. Bella just laughs.

"What is goin' on here?" I demand. Bella takes the nuts from me and goes back to the stove. It looks like she's doin' the cooking pretty much on her own as Alice refuses to get anywhere near anything that was once alive and kickin'.

"Coach Masen invited Ms. Platt to dinner," Bella explains, winking at me over her shoulder. I lean back against the counter, enjoying Alice's obvious discomfort.

"It's not like that," Alice insists. "She doesn't have much family, and her parents decided to go on a last minute cruise or something. It was a last minute, pity invite."

"Oh, somehow I doubt that very much," I say.

"You guys are assholes."

"Whoa, adult entering the room." We all stare as Ms. Platt walks on in, beaming. The last time I saw her, she was a lot less happy and that was probably my doing with the fightin' and all.

She is pretty fine for a teacher. Good for Coach.

"Hi, Edward," she says. "Happy Thanksgiving."

She grins at me and I look at the floor, recalling how I told her about Bella. That's probably what she's thinking about right this minute. How embarrassing.

"Bella, what can I do?" Ms. Platt asks.

Bella starts dolling out tasks, and I make my escape. Except the living room proves to be just as dangerous as the kitchen. Mr. Swan silently watches me with narrowed eyes. Coach tells me to pay attention to the big boys on TV but also bans me from talkin' except during the commercials. Emmett looks ridiculous in his damn tie.

Worst part is with Coach here I can't even have one little brew. So much for my holiday tradition.

But this is important to Bella.

Dinner is better. It's pretty damn comical to see Mr. Swan and Coach grumble about not wanting to eat until the end of the game only to be silenced by their bossy daughters.

There are a couple minutes of awkward silence while everyone passes around dishes full of the classics. Pretty soon, everyone is laughing and talking, brought together by good company and even better food.

Damn good food.

I gush to Bella about how awesome it is and she kisses me right on the lips in front of all those people. It's quick but it happens. Mr. Swan don't look too happy, but he don't look that mad either.

Okay, so maybe some parts of Thanksgiving are pretty all right.

* * *

><p>BPOV<p>

"Look at him over there," I mutter into my drink, eyes narrowed in the direction of my father. "He's just laughing and carrying on like nothing is wrong. Does he not care? Does he not care even a little bit that his wife is on the other side of the country with no plans to come home?"

I feel a little bad ranting at Edward, but this post Panthers parade playoffs party is irritating me. It's all so over the top and ridiculous. I might have been able to put on a happy face for Thanksgiving without my mom – without even a phone call – but this is just too much.

"Bella, I ain't seein' what you're seein'," Edward replies, leaning against the wall at my side and bringing his cup to his lips.

"What do you mean?"

"That man is in pain," Edward says. It's definitely not what I expected, but I take a second look. "He's just tryin' to forget."

"You think?"

"Yup. All that laughter? He's fakin' it," Edward continues, looking at me instead of my dad.

I nod, looking down and trying not to cry in front of all these people. The whole damn town, including the whole damn high school, is here, getting pumped for playoffs next week in typical Dillon fashion. There's plenty of barbeque, plenty of alcohol, and plenty of dancing. Everything is decked out in blue and gold, and I just count down the seconds until its okay for me to leave.

"Do you want to go? 'Cause we can fuckin' go," Edward says, pointing his thumb over this shoulder towards the exit.

"We can't go yet," I say with a sigh. "We just go here. Pretty soon you're going to have to go up on that stage to be fawned over, and I'm gonna have to do a stupid cheerleading routine."

"But you look damn good in that little uniform," Edward says, giving me a lazy smile.

I just shake my head at him, trying not to smile.

"Well," he says, finishing his drink and grabbing my hand. "If we have to be here, can we at least dance?"

I bite my lip, looking out at the dance floor. Everybody sure looks like they are havin' a grand old time, but I'm torn. Dancing with Edward in front of all those people – it sounds good and bad at the same time.

"Come on, Isabella," he murmurs, his lips right at my ear. "Live a little."

I let him drag me to the dance floor and pull me into his arms. His hand on my lower back warms me up, as does his thumb that slips under my top to touch my bare skin. He is really such a good dancer, and I love being right here. He grins down at me and I can't help but smile back.

I am mildly aware of all the whispers and stares, but I'm better at ignoring them now, especially when I look up at Edward as we two-step with all the other couples in front of the band. For a while there, with him spinning me and grinning at me, I do a pretty good job forgetting about everything but my dance partner.

Until there is a commotion over by the bar.

I crane my neck, trying like everyone else to see what's going on with the raised voices. Through the masses of people I see Charlie, red faced and screaming at a pair of boosters.

Without even looking at Edward, I begin moving towards my dad as fast as I can, not understanding exactly what's going on but knowing without a doubt that it ain't good.

When I finally get to my dad, I have a hard time understand exactly what he's babbling about. A mostly-empty bottle of whiskey dangles from his hand at his side as he continues to scream and point.

"Dad," I say, getting in front of him. He sways as he blinks down at me, and I wince when I see just how drunk he is. "Calm down."

"Now, Isabella," he slurs, once again glaring over my shoulder at whoever he is so pissed with. "Don't be gettin' involved in this. This here is a situation between men and will be dealt with as such."

"Charlie, I was just askin' where Renee was tonight. I meant no offense," Mr. Peters, one of Charlie's oldest friends, says, putting his hands up in that common gesture of proclaimed innocence.

"Dad—"

"You can go to hell, Brett!" Charlie shouts. He attempts to step around me and promptly trips over his own feet, somehow ending up on his back.

I stare down at him in horror for a minute, feeling the whispering and staring once again directed at my family and me. It's becoming my lot in life, to be at the very center of a scandal.

And I'm trying, really trying, to do as Edward says and not let their opinions bother me. But it's been one thing after the next since the beginning of last summer, and it feels like my whole world just keeps falling apart right after I've picked up the pieces from the last shattering experience.

And it's not just that. It's tearing me apart, seeing my daddy so broken.

Charlie laughs. He's drunk and lying on his back in front of the whole town at his own dealership, and he laughs.

"Dad!" I say, grabbing his hand and attempting to pull him up. "Please, please get up."

"I messed up," Charlie slurs, closing his eyes and ignoring my pleas. "Bells, I messed up so much. And you look just like her. She's gone like the wind. Everything's gone like the wind."

As I continue to plead with him to move and pull on his hand a couple tears roll down my cheeks. Suddenly Edward is there, putting his hand on my shoulder and looking at me with concern.

"Please get up, Dad," I murmur, feeling completely miserable.

He just continues to babble about losing everything.

"Bella, let me," Edward says. Now he is tugging on my shoulder as I tug on Charlie's hand. "Move out the way, baby."

I let go and do as Edward says, taking a step back and refusing to look at anyone but my pitiful excuse for a parent.

"Come on, Mr. Swan," Edward says, managing to get my dad to sit up at least. "Let's get you home."

Charlie glances up at Edward, and glares, pulling away.

"You get the hell away from me, boy," Charlie slurs, far too loudly for my comfort. "Don't you think I don't know what you're up to. Tryin' to steal my daughter, the last thing I have in this whole world."

That's an awful big assumption right there. After this, I don't think he has me. Not even a little bit. He did it to himself. All of it.

But he just looks so miserable. I'm conflicted, not knowing if I hurt for him or if I hate him. It's probably a little of both.

"We can talk about that later," Edward says, keeping his voice low and once again taking my dad by the arm. "Let's just get you up."

Charlie does a little more incomprehensible raging, directed both at Edward and the boosters he was yelling at moments ago and at my mom.

He makes it pretty clear to the whole damn town that she skipped out on us and that he hates her for it. In this moment, he's conveniently forgotten all about Barbara Denali.

I haven't. Neither has Renee, that's for sure.

Edward still struggles, only succeeding in getting Dad on his two feet when Coach Masen rushes over to help out. Supporting Charlie between them, they manage to move out towards the parking lot. I follow, studying the ground and trying to ignore the silence and the stares as we leave. Even the band has stopped playing.

"Bella," Ms. Platt says, putting her arm around my shoulders as she catches up with us when we get a good distance away from the party. "Are you alright?"

I just shake my head at that overly stupid question.

"Of course you're not," she murmurs. "Is there anything I can do?"

It is in this moment I realize that the keys to the truck are in my purse which is inside my dad's office.

"Can you get my purse and our jackets?" I ask her, trying to dry my face with my hands again. "They're in Charlie's office, on his desk chair. And have the band keep playing as long as they are paid to play. Keep the party going?"

Ms. Platt nods before going back inside.

Edward and Coach Masen get Charlie settled in the passenger's seat of his old truck. He is slumped again the window with his eyes closed.

"I'm sorry, Coach," I manage, once again studying the ground. "Thank you for helping. It's just a really hard time."

I start crying again and bury my face in my hands. Edward pulls me into his chest and I immediately wrap my arms around his waist, letting his football jersey absorb my tears.

"You don't need to explain or apologize for anything, Bella," Coach says. "Don't you worry about anything here. We'll take care of the clean up and all that."

I can't seem to make my mouth work so Edward replies for me.

"Thank you, Coach," he murmurs, stroking my hair.

I turn slightly, giving Coach a grateful smile just as Ms. Platt returns with my things. Edward takes them from her, draping his lettermen jacket over my shoulders as I dig in my purse for the keys to the truck and the dealership.

"Here," I say, handing two keys to Ms. Platt. "This locks the front and this locks the gate. Don't worry about anything else. I'll take care of it in the morning."

Coach and Ms. Platt nod, sympathy apparent on their faces. I thank them again and they head back to the party.

I take a deep breath before moving to get into the truck. I open the driver's side door, waiting for Edward to slide in first.

"Bella, let me drive," he says, not getting in.

"I'm fine," I insist.

"Your hands are shaking," he points out.

"And you've been drinking," I reply.

"One beer in the last two hours," he says. "Please, Bella. Let me get you home."

Too tired to argue and having no real desire to drive, I nod and slide in. I lay my head on Edward's shoulder when he gets in next to me and pull his jacket closer, closing my eyes and wishing this whole night didn't happen.

After basically dragging Charlie to bed, I collapse into mine fully clothed, too tired to do anything but kick off my shoes. Edward joins me, holding me as I cry and cry until I finally fall asleep.

* * *

><p>In the morning – after Edward leaves to run with the team and before Charlie wakes – I call my mom.<p>

"Hey, Bella!" she exclaims, answering after only one ring. I wince at her bright tone and her apparent happiness. "How are you?"

"Okay," I murmur, not really knowing what to say. I just need help. It's starting to feel like my head is constantly under water. "How are you?"

"Wonderful," she says with a sigh. "You know how I just love the beach. Your aunt says hello by the way."

"Great."

"So what's going on? How was your Thanksgiving? I meant to call but the whole day just got away from me," she continues.

Well, she was meaning to call. That certainly makes up for everything.

"It's fine," I dismiss even though it so totally isn't. At the moment I have bigger problems than being forgotten about by my own mother. "But… Mom, when are you coming home?"

My plea is met with silence for a long moment.

"I don't know," Renee whispers, sounding so small. "I just… I don't think I can. Not anytime soon."

I squeeze my eyes shut and try not to cry.

"But… but what about your family? What about me? We need you," I say somewhat desperately.

"Oh, sweetie—"

I cut off whatever excuse she was about to throw at me, instead filling her in on the events of last night.

"He's a mess, Mom," I say, crying now that I've had to relive the whole thing. "And I know he did something really terrible to you, but hasn't it been better? Hasn't he been trying? I thought you liked your life and wanted to work it all out."

My mom takes a deep breath.

"It's complicated," she says finally, explaining nothing.

"We're a family! You made a decision to stick it out with him six months ago! What's complicated about that?" I demand, panicking now. We certainly have our differences, Mom and me, but I still need her. She's still my mother.

"Things have changed since then," she says, sounding just as sad as I feel.

"How? What's changed? Did he cheat on you again?" I ask, feeling another wave of fury for the man my boyfriend had to pick up off the floor last night.

"No," she says quickly. "No, I don't think so. It's nothing like that."

Rosalie's words from the other morning fill my head. _What changed? Why would she change her mind now?_

Why would she change her mind now?

"Does this have something to do with the cars?" The whole tune-up thing was suspicious – especially because it's taken so long – but I just didn't want to think about it. Well, I am sure as hell thinking about it now.

"Yes," Renee whispers. "It's bad, Bella. Really bad. And he didn't tell me about it, didn't ask for my input when something could be done about it. Now it's too late. There is nothing left."

"What?" I squeak out. I don't understand. I don't know if I want to understand. Suddenly not knowing seems much safer.

"I can't believe he hasn't told you yet. That coward," my mom mutters to herself before answering my question. "Apparently, things have been rough at the dealership lately. Which makes sense, given the economy and whatnot. But instead of cutting back at home, your father decided to make some big deal that would fix everything. Well, too bad it didn't work out."

Cut back? Like Renee would have tolerated cut backs to our lifestyle. No matter what Charlie did, her leaving seems like it was inevitable.

"What?" I squeak again. This is a lot to take in and I have a hard time. "What about the jumbotron?"

Renee lets out a bitter laugh. "I asked him the same thing when he told me all this a week ago. Your father is an idiot, Bella. A broke idiot."

"What does this mean?" I whisper.

"You'll have to get the details from your father. But the dealership is in big trouble."

I sit down on my bed. My legs feel like jell-o.

"How did this happen?" I murmur, freaking out just a little bit. "What are we going to do?"

"That's your father's problem now," Renee insists. I feel abandoned and so alone. "I can't take one more lie from that man."

"What about me?"

"Shit," she mutters. "I hate to be the one to tell you this but you're going to have to rethink college, Bella."

I just sit there in stunned silence.

"But I have a college fund," I say. "You set aside money for me ages ago. You said it was mine if I got good grades."

"It's gone, Bella," Renee says with a sigh. "That's what your father gambled with and lost. There is no way he can afford a private school like DU. But there is always the state schools. It might even be for the best."

"The best?"

"It might be best for you. It will give you some distance, an opportunity for you to rethink your priorities."

I realize she's talking about Edward, and I immediately hang up on her. I just sit there on the end of my bed for a while, stunned and sad and scared. It takes me a minute to figure out how to move properly, but when I do, I pull a suitcase out from under my bed and begin to pack it with mechanical movements.

I know what my priorities are so I pack up and head out, going to the one person who can make it better. The one person that's always there.

* * *

><p><strong>Y'all probably have a pretty good idea where she's headed.<strong>

**Thanks for reading.**


	22. Straight to State

**Wow, the reviews are just awesome. I'm lovin' the opinions and predictions. **

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**Beta-ed by Stratan**

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* * *

><p>"Aw, fuck you, little brother," Emmett shouts. "No spinning! That's cheatin' right here."<p>

"Is not," I reply, finishing off my beer and retrieving the little white ball.

"It so fuckin' is!" Emmett insists, banging his hand on the foosball table. "That goal don't count."

"You're a damn baby, you know that," I say, shakin' my head at him as he removes the point I just gave myself. "I didn't even spin the fuckin' thing."

"Yeah, you really fuckin' did. It's against the fuckin' rules. That ain't how men play."

I just continue to shake my head at him, enjoyin' arguing with him almost as much as I'm enjoyin' playing with him and lettin' off some steam.

We won regionals last Friday and have semis in two days. Coach is workin' us hard, and I'm enjoying unwinding with my brother and a beer after practice.

Bella actually wanted to go to the parties after that one. She got drunker than I've ever seen her before I finally had enough and dragged her home. I can't really comment being as I've used alcohol to cope many a time, but it's still damn concerning.

"Edward?" Bella calls from her seat at the breakfast bar. It's been a week and a half since she moved in, and she's pretty miserable. I'm loving having her in my bed every night and eating her meals all the time, but I can tell she ain't happy here. She still hasn't really talked to her dad yet or really started thinking about next year. It's worrying me, the way she seems to be ignoring all her issues. "Come look at this."

"One minute, babe," I say as Emmett drops the ball on to the table and we battle it out. "It's game point!" I shout over my shoulder.

I score – without even the hint of spinning this time – and Emmett falls to his knees with the agony of defeat. With hands held high above my head, I move to stand over him in triumph.

"Victory!" I shout. Emmett punches me in the thigh and I hop away. "You're a sore loser, Em."

"And you are a bad winner, you fuckin' cocky little shit. Rematch?"

I look over my shoulder to see Bella with her arms crossed as she stares at me. Her laptop is open on the counter in front of her.

"Give me a minute," I tell him, approaching my gal. I just make a quick detour to grab another brew.

"What are you doin' over here, pretty lady?" I ask, taking the seat next to her and dropping a kiss on her neck. She giggles and smiles but unfortunately don't take it no further, instead turning back to her computer.

"You, mister, did not close out of your stuff after checking your e-mail," she says, closing one page and opening another. And sure enough, there is an e-mail from CU giving me dates to come visit and sign the last few things I need to sign.

"Sorry about that," I reply, leaning over and exiting for her. "Don't want to be cluttering up your desktop."

I really don't want to talk about any of this college stuff or even think about it. Now that Bella's future is uncertain, I am a whole lot less enthusiastic about this college situation.

"That is so not what I meant," she says, scowling at me. "Why didn't you tell me about this visit stuff? They're gonna fly you out there and everything."

"It's not for awhile," I mutter, turning her stool away from her computer and towards me. My hands go to her thighs but she continues to just stare at the computer. She has the CU football webpage open now.

"So? It's still all so exciting. They want you to watch practice, meet the team and everything. Tour campus. Look at this stadium with the mountains right behind it."

"It's alright."

Now I've got her attention. Too bad she's just gaping at me.

"What'd I do?" I ask, really havin' absolutely no idea.

"Why aren't you more excited about this?" she demands, crossin' her arms over her chest. The look she gives me has me pullin' back, removin' my hands from her legs.

I just shrug at her, really not likin' the way this conversation is going.

"Edward, look," she pushes the computer towards me, forcing me to take in the images on the screen. She scrolls through picture after picture of top of the line football facilities. It certainly is nice, though it seems a little unnecessary because no one really seems to care about football in Colorado.

But still, damn nice.

Then she gets to pictures of campus and that all looks nice too. But not nearly as nice as it would be with Bella a bus ride away.

"Well?" she asks, beaming at me hopefully.

"It looks… like a college campus," I say with a shrug. I don't know what she wants from me. The future is not something I particularly like thinkin' about, especially now that Bella's is so murky.

She slams the laptop closed, glaring at me again.

"You are off on a full scholarship to play football at one of the prettiest places I have ever seen. Why aren't you happier? More excited? You just… don't seem to care at all," she says, waving her hands around.

"Sorry," I tell her.

She just huffs and continues to scowl.

"What do you want me to say?" I demand, running my hand through my hair. "It's… fine, I guess. It's just hard to have any real enthusiasm with you tellin' me you'll probably end up stayin' in Texas."

Bella's eyes burn into me for a moment as I shy away from her. I don't like upsettin' her one bit.

"I cannot believe you!" she shouts, standing. "You are really gonna sit there and tell me that the only reason you had even a little bit of desire to leave Texas is because I'm leaving Texas? What about makin' a better life for yourself? Don't you care at all?"

Again, I can't really do anything but shrug.

"All you care about is beer and sex and football!" she accuses. I know she's absolutely livid, but I can't help but smirk at her.

"What's so wrong with that?" I ask, even though it's probably the wrong thing to say.

Bella lets out a growl.

"You're a damn fool, Edward," she says, continuing to yell. "This, college, the future – I've been tellin' you from the start that it has to be about you. Just because my future is ruined doesn't me yours should be, too. You never seem to listen when I say that you have to do this for you. Not me."

She pokes me in the chest before turning on her heel and stalking towards my bedroom.

"I'm sorry, Bella!" I call after her, not really having any idea what else to say.

"You're a damn fool, Cullen," she repeats as she slams the door behind her. I wince at the sound of her lockin' me out of my own damn room.

"Well, fuck," I mutter as Emmett starts to laugh at me.

"Did your girl just kick you out of your own room?" he says through his belly laughs.

"Yes, I most certainly did!" is Bella's reply from beyond the door.

Emmett just keeps laughing, so I tackle him.

Our little wrestling match is a nice distraction from fighting with Bella. As I said, I don't like it. Not one bit.

It gets late and I just stare at the door as I lay out on the couch, hoping she'll finally give in and open up.

Fuck.

I give my hair a good yank as I stare at that goddamned door, willin' it to open. The whole thing is just fuckin' baffling. I mean, really… what the fuck was that? Certainly this level of anger is a bit extreme.

No way I'm tellin' her that, though.

And this whole thing can't just be about my lack of enthusiasm for something that's fuckin' months away.

She hasn't said a whole lot other than explain that she can't stand to be in the same place as her father and that her family is pretty much broke now. That she'll barely be able to afford a state school without wracking up piles of debt, let alone a private college like the University of Denver.

It must be crushing, her disappointment. She's always wanted college much more than me. Plus, she wants to get out of Texas, too, something I didn't even think about before Bella.

I must fall asleep worryin' about all this because when I open my eyes again, it's day time and Emmett is puttering around in the kitchen. A blanket covers me, something that I definitely did not have when I fell asleep. I like to think Bella cared enough to cover me up at some point.

Emmett walks into the living room with a giant bowl of fruity pebbles in his hands. He pauses when he sees me, obviously not expecting me to be laid out on the couch, and then throws his head back, laughin' like a loon.

"Dude," he says, shakin' his head slightly as he sits in the chair across from me. "You've gotta get a handle on your woman."

I roll my eyes at this. He's one to fuckin' talk. Apparently, last week at the Panther playoff party, right after we got Charlie out of there, Rose decided it was time for her and Em to stop sneaking around. Without consulting Emmett at all, Rose just marched right up to him and basically mounted him in front of everyone. She's got the whole town buzzin'. When asked why she did it in that moment, she said that she wanted to give people something else to talk about besides the Swans.

It's pretty cool, that Rose cares that much about Bella. Although Em and Rose did the whole secrecy thing for over a year so it was probably about time.

"You're in trouble," Emmett says, continuing to laugh.

"I fuckin' know," I mutter, sitting up and rubbing my hands over my face.

"She's pissed."

"Obviously."

"I don't really get it."

"Join the goddamn club," I say.

Emmett just laughs at me again.

"Alright, I'm goin' in," I say, stretching my back. "Here we go. Puttin' the Cullen game face on." I rub my hands over my face again.

Emmett solutes me as I stand up and approach my bedroom door with caution. I feel like a fuckin' idiot as I knock on my own damn door. She opens the door a moment later, fully dressed.

I take in her tight little running outfit appreciatively.

Damn. I mean… day-um.

Fucking tight black pants things that end at her calf and fit her like a second skin. Fucking tight tank top. Hair in a fucking high ponytail.

Fuck. I wish she wasn't pissed at me, and I could just pick her up and carry her back to the bed she wouldn't let me sleep in last night.

"Hi," I say instead.

She crosses her arms over her chest and leans against the doorframe.

"Hi," she replies.

"I missed you," I tell her, mimicking her position and gettin' in her personal space so she has to look up at me. "And I'm sorry I upset you."

Bella sighs and I inch closer.

"I may have overreacted, slightly," she murmurs.

"Slightly?" I ask, grinnin' at her.

"Slightly," she repeats with a nod. "I really am sorry for kickin' you out of your own room, making you sleep on the couch."

"It's alright, honey."

"It's just…" She bites her lip as she stares up at me. "You deserve more than Dillon. Don't you know that? You really deserve this opportunity. I just wish you could see yourself how I see you."

"I know I deserve it," I murmur.

Neither of us totally believes my words.

"You want to come for a run with me?" she asks, still biting her lip. I remove if from her teeth with my thumb.

"I know of a better way to get in a work out before school," I say, cradling her face in my hands and leaning down to get closer to her.

"Oh you do, do you?" she asks, holding back a giggle.

I just smirk at her for a second before picking her up. She lets out a squeak and a giggle, wrapping her arms around my neck as I kick the door closed behind us with my foot before sprinting over to my bed.

* * *

><p>The semi-final game against Arnett Mead is fuckin' crazy. The damn game is nationally televised so that comes with interviews and press all over the place.<p>

The whole damn town is fuckin' pumped about it, but it don't change much for me except make my teammates all jittery which ain't good at all.

I don't say much in my interview. There ain't much to say. A dude from one channel asks me about Jasper's accident, getting irritated when I don't get all sobby about it and talk about Jazz as a coach instead. One news lady starts askin' about my love life, tellin' me to smile for the girls watchin' at home, and I get pissy.

"Football ain't no beauty contest, lady," I tell her. "It ain't no love story."

The interview ends real quick after that, and I sneak out of the pre-game madness, wanting a little time with my girl before the big game. We've got a couple hours before we both gotta be at the field, and I want to make sure she's okay.

She skipped school today after stayin' up till near five in the morning, drinkin' and playin' Mario Cart with Em and Rose last night. I offered to stay with her, spend the day in bed, but she said she didn't want no company. It's all real concerning, but I don't have a clue what to do about it.

When I pull into my driveway, I see Bella layin' out in my front lawn. At first, I think she's gotta be real hurt, but after I rush over to her to check it out, she's actually just lookin' at the clouds.

"What yah doin' down there?" I ask, lookin' at her with my hands on my hips.

"I don't have the energy to get up," she explains. "Doesn't that puffy one look like a dragon?"

She's in her runnin' clothes, so at least she did something with herself today instead of moping in bed like she did over the weekend. I look at her for a moment before sighing heavily and lying down next to her, settling in the grass with both my hands behind my head.

"I went and picked up some stuff from home today," she murmurs, keeping her eyes on the sky when I don't say nothin' about the clouds. "I… I got a letter."

I don't really understand her hesitation to tell be about whatever is she's havin' a hard time spittin' out.

"'Bout what, baby?" I ask, keeping my eyes on her.

She closes her eyes and lets out a big sigh.

"I got in," she says, sounding so damn sad. "Not that it really matters, but I got in to DU. Early action."

I process this for a moment, hatin' how she sounds like she's given up. It may be a new one, but Colorado for school is her dream now. There has to be a way to make it happen.

"Well done, Bella. And it matters. It matters a lot. I don't think it's time to be quitin' on this quiet yet. There's options and shit." If I got a scholarship, then Bella most certainly can, what with those perfect grades and all the extracurriculars.

"Can we please not talk about it? Please?" she asks. I hate the tears I see when she opens her eyes.

"Which one?" I ask, looking at the clouds.

"What?"

"Which cloud looks like a dragon?"

Bella let's out a little laugh, scooting closer and propping her head up against my chest. I put my arm around her and kiss the top of her head.

"That one," she says, pointing.

"That's a fuckin' dragon right there," I declare. Bella giggles in response.

"I love you," she murmurs.

"Back at yah, babe."

I feel at peace, here with her. I don't worry about nothin' – not the biggest game of my life or Bella's current emotional and monetary state or the prospect of college away from her.

I don't ever want to get up, but eventually we've gotta get back to the real world.

* * *

><p>Something about the TV crews and havin' the hopes of the whole town riding on our shoulders proves to be way too much pressure for the offense, and nobody – myself included – can seem to get through.<p>

Coach is gettin' frustrated. Jasper talks rapidly to Ben in hushed, serious tones. The offence relies heavily on the defense, who manage hold Arnett Mead to 7 throughout the first half. I somehow manage to push one TD in right before halftime.

Coach's pump up speech is half encouragement, half ass whoopin'. He makes sure to remind us all that we ain't playin' like he knows we can. He makes sure we understand that we're Panthers and no one's gonna let us lose this way.

We get tighter during the third, but still can't manage to really get through. Our defense holds strong and no one scores until the very end of the game. Crowley kicks in a field goal at the last minute, and we win 10 to 7.

It sure is a nail bitter, and I'm so fuckin' relieved that we pull it out.

"Two more games," Coach says, grinning at us in the locker room before we even change. "Then what?"

"State!" the team replies.

"Damn right. Clear eyes, full hearts…"

"Can't lose!"

* * *

><p>Bella seems to retreat into herself the next week. For the first two weeks or so, she was coping by partying. Now she's withdrawn, spending a lot of time sleeping and staring out the window.<p>

I get that she's hurt. I get that her dad fucked up. I get that things just got a lot harder for her. But enough is a goddamn enough.

Everyday I keep hoping that she'll snap out of it and start to figure out her life for herself, and everyday she gets a little quieter. She still does her homework and cooks us dinner and has us keepin' the house semi-clean – what Bella calls livable – but she's too quiet.

Every time I try to talk about her dad or college, she seduces me. She fuckin' doesn't play fair.

On the Tuesday before the quarterfinals, Charlie Swan shows up around ten at night. Bella's reading on the couch while I sit with a beer, educating myself on scholarship options for DU on her computer when he pounds on the door.

"Bella!" he yells as he knocks. Bella and I look at each other. "I know you're in there, and I'm still your Daddy!"

"What do you want to do?" I ask her quietly, not liking this situation one bit.

"I've got nothing to say to him," she says emotionlessly, turning back to her book.

"Cullen, you let her out of there. I'll keep hollering all night, don't care if I wake up all your neighbors. Get on out here!" Charlie continues to carry on like that for a good thirty seconds uninterrupted.

"Bella, he's not just gonna leave," I say, wanting her to talk to him but also not wanting to force her into anything she don't want to do.

"Okay! Fine." She huffs as she slams her book down and marches to the door. I follow, lingering in the doorway to keep an eye on everything.

Mr. Swan's gotta really hate me now that I've been shacked up with his daughter for weeks.

"What do you want?" she asks when she gets outside, letting the screen door swing shut behind her.

"What I want is for you to come home," Charlie says, continuing to shout. "This ain't no excuse for you to go play house with your boyfriend. We got to work this out."

"What's to work out?" Bella demands. "You lost everything without even bothering to tell me, after buying a damn jumbotron for the Panthers and not worrying at all about those promises you made to me about college."

Bella stomps her foot and I wince because she does have a point. I hope Charlie just apologizes so they can move on. I think that's a big part of what Bella wants, her father to acknowledge that he's screwed up yet again.

"You are actin' like a complete spoiled brat," Charlie says, pointin' an accusatory finger at her. I shake my head because this ain't goin' well. Not at all. "Life is complicated! It ain't no bowl of cherries. We are in the middle of a family crisis, and the last thing I need is you abandoning this family just like your mama!"

"No!" Bella screams, using both her hands to shove Charlie. "Don't you blame this on mom! You're the one who cheated and abandoned us. You threw your family away last summer and this is just the final straw."

Bella turns around, fixin' to come back inside, but Charlie grabs her wrist. I don't seriously think he's gonna hurt her but I still don't like it. She whirls around, yelling again.

"And don't you call me spoiled!" she says, stumbling slightly after pulling her hand from her father's grasp. "You started putting that money away since I was a baby, saying if I got the grades it was mine for college. And when you were in trouble and wanted to risk it, you didn't even ask. You just do whatever the hell you want and then wonder why everybody hates you."

She moves towards the house again, this time opening the door and slipping past me.

"We aren't done here!" Mr. Swan booms, stomping up the front steps. "Don't you walk away from me, young lady. Get back out here. Don't you make me follow you."

He tries to barge into my house and that's when I feel it necessary to step in.

"Hey," I say, fillin' up the doorway. It's a little uncomfortable, the way I'm preventing the man from seeing his daughter. If you ask me, neither of them is goin' about this thing right. Mr. Swan is a real idiot for being so careless in the first place.

"Ed Cullen, I'm gonna talk to my daughter, young man. " He scowls at me, turnin' a little purple in his rage.

"Not right now," I say quietly, aware that Bella is loitering behind me, watching.

"Just who in the hell do you think you are, son?" Mr. Swan demands. "That's my daughter over there!"

"You need to go," I insist, lookin' him right in the eye so he knows I ain't backin' down. "Please. Time, Mr. Swan. Just give it time."

He stomps off towards his truck after that, mutterin' his dislike for me all the while.

When I turn around after shuttin' the door, I see Bella standing there, eyes closed as she rubs her temples.

"That was rough," I say, moving closer to her and resting my hands on her shoulders. "You okay?"

She nods and I drop a kiss to her forehead.

"I'm going to bed," she says, pulling away from me abruptly. "Just try to keep it down when you come in."

And with that she disappears.

I let out a big sigh before gettin' myself another beer. It's way past time we had ourselves a conversation about the future, but I sure ain't lookin' forward to it.

* * *

><p>BPOV<p>

"That was quite a game," Edward says when we walk in through the front door. I lower my umbrella as he shakes out his soaked hair. He didn't even bother with a hood. "A game for the ages, right there."

He's right about that. Between the downpour and the sheer size of the West Texas linebackers, it was kinda a miracle that the Panthers pulled it out. But they played one hell of a game, especially Edward.

The Panthers are officially goin' to state, shocking just about the entire state of Texas, given Jasper gettin' hurt and their rough start.

I couldn't be happier for Edward.

"Why don't you go out?" I ask him as I hand up my rain coat in the closet and kick off my boots. Edward doesn't care as much as I do about getting his wood floors wet and just marches straight to the fridge for a beer, dripping all over the place. "You guys are goin' to state. There's probably tons of parties tonight."

I'm tryin' really hard to muster some enthusiasm, but it's so damn difficult. Charlie tried to talk to me at the game, and I've ignored the many messages he's left me since our fight earlier in the week.

"'Cause the real parties are when we win state," Edward explains with a big old grin. He takes a big swig and sighs in contentment. "That's when the real parties are. You want one?"

I shake my head and collapse onto the couch, pulling my damp hair into a ponytail and pulling up the hood of Edward's jacket. This house is freezin' and I shiver. Edward don't seen to notice.

He approaches me slowly, staring as he sips on his beer.

"And there's this one little thing, too," he says, looming above me.

"What's that?" I ask, smiling up at him. Edward's been so damn wonderful these last few weeks, takin' me in like this. I wish I was better at showin' my appreciation. Part of me – a very small, part – wants him to just go out so my crabbiness won't ruin his goin'- to-State high

He lets out a big sigh before joining me, sitting on top of my feet. His jeans didn't get too wet in the run from the field house to his truck and then from his truck to the house. His butt actually warms my freezing feet.

"I think I'm okay hangin' with my lady," he says, continuing to grin as he slings an arm over the back of the couch. "Especially after a night like tonight."

I manage a small smile, having a hard time not getting lost in my problems. Everything with my dad and my mom and my future seems to be pounding away in my head constantly. Even now at this most inconvenient of times, when I want nothing more than to celebrate with him, my problems weigh me down.

"You ain't doin' too good," he murmurs.

"What makes you say that?" I ask, turning my body towards him. "I'm fine."

"Well, maybe I'm just stating the obvious, but it would seem that you've been pretty down around here the last few weeks. Not that I don't love that you're here. It's just you don't love that you're here," he continues, still sippin' on that beer at regular intervals. He states this all as fact, not seeming hurt or anything like that by the idea that I don't quite feel at home in his home.

"It's not that… I do love being with you, I really do. And I know it's silly, but I think part of me just expected that I would move in here and you would magically fix all my problems," I confess, pulling my feet out from under him and stretching out over his lap as I recline.

Edward sits up, shaking his head at me.

"You know what, Swan, I'm not here to fix all your problems. That's not how this thing works. My job is to support you in whatever you choose, that's why I'm here. I'm your boyfriend, and I think I'm a pretty damn good one at that."

I can't help but grin because I don't think I've ever heard Edward say the term boyfriend without cringing. I like that he sees us this way.

"Your dad threw you a curve ball here, I'll give you that," he continues, getting more worked up. "And your mom did the absolute worst thing she could do to you, given the circumstance. But this self-pity and moping that I've been seeing… it's gotta stop, Bella."

My eyes go wide as it becomes clear that he's scolding me. Edward is scolding me. And my first instinct is to get defensive, but as I listen him, I realize that he's right.

Totally and absolutely right.

"You know how you're always tellin' me how I deserve more? That I deserve better?" he asks, gesturing with his hands. The way he talks makes me think that all this has been goin' on his head for awhile. He's so not a talker, makin' this whole thing that more shocking. "Well, same goes for you, Swan. You can still get into any college you want."

"I know the one I want," I say, feelin' like crying again. One of the worst parts of this whole thing is the feelin' of being left behind. I feel like Edward is gonna leave me behind, and even though I want him to go, it scares me, not bein' near him. "How am I gonna afford it?"

"There are many scholarships to be had," he replies. "There are a couple of specific ones at DU you'd be perfect for. Plus, financial aid. From what I understand, given your circumstance, you could probably get enough to make it less than any school in Texas. The rest will have to be loans, but it won't be terrible."

I get a little choked up when I realize that Edward has looked into this for me. He wants me enough – wants me to be happy enough – that he's put a little effort in to something involving the future.

"How do you know that? You looked it up?" I manage to squeak out, still gaping at him in awe. He doesn't seem to notice.

"You're grades speak for themselves. That, plus all the volunteering and bein' student body president? It's gonna be some work, talkin' to the aid people and writin' all the essays, but totally doable," he says.

I don't know what to say, so I just stare at him and try not to cry.

He's totally right. I've been a total self-indulged little brat, just like my daddy said.

My internalization of his words must be clear because suddenly Edward's expression softens. He gives me a small smile, reaching over to tuck my hair behind my ear.

"You just want me nearby," I say quietly, biting my lip.

"Damn right. But my reasons ain't totally selfish. I wouldn't say nothin' if it didn't seem like you want it just as bad as me," he tells me. "I wouldn't say nothin' if I didn't think you'd regret not tryin' forever. If I thought you'd be happy stayin' in Texas."

I sniffle a little, so touched by this wonderful man.

"Did I just say that I love you?" he murmurs, getting close to me.

I shake my head no, still so moved in this moment that I can't manage to speak.

"Did I?" I shake my head again, more forcefully this time. "No? 'Cause I'm kinda madly in love with you. And I'll be here no matter what."

I really lose it then, with his words, and start crying. Sitting up quickly, I throw my arms around his neck, melting into him as he hugs me back.

"I love you, too," is all I can get out before giving in to the all consuming need to kiss him.

He's given me a lot to think about and his words are enough to kick me out of my funk, if only for this one night.

Turns out I'm up for celebratin' with him.

In our own special way.

Four times, no less.

* * *

><p>Saturday, there is a party. For once it's not at Swan Motors, and for this I am grateful. The stress of that, especially given all I know now, would be the end of me. This one takes place in the school parking lot. No one seems to care that it's December and chilly.<p>

As is usual, the whole damn town turns up to celebrate sweet Panther victory. If the Panthers do end up winning State – or should I say when? – I can't even imagine what kind of spectacle it will be.

I smile into my drink, watching Edward in the thick of it with the football boys. He is so obviously elated. He really stepped up this year, and I'm thrilled that his hard work is paying off. Edward says something, causing all the boys to laugh and pat him on the back.

Edward is in his element.

But then I see Charlie, nodding at something the mayor is sayin' but not looking nearly as happy – or drunk – as he was at the last Panther event.

Edward's words from last night and the pain I see on my dad's face inspires me to take a moment and listen to all those messages filling up my mailbox.

I wander away from the action, back to Edward's truck parked along the road with all the others. Sitting with my legs swinging off the back, I take a deep breath and bring my phone to my ear, finally ready to listen to want my dad has to say.

The first voicemail is just a continuation of our fight last Tuesday. He continues to rant and take zero responsibility for the total disillusion of our family. I delete it less than ten seconds in.

The next three really shock me. Charlie Swan apologizes, over and over again, sayin' that I'm right. He tells me he loves me, misses me, and will do anything he can to make it right. My gruff, manly former pro-football player father even cries a little in the last one, from the sound of it.

I cry a little too as I listen to him promise to be better, promise to be honest about all the challenges we are facing, and promise to help me in anyway he can to make my college dreams come true.

In that last message, he sounds a lot like Edward, tellin' me not to give up just when things get hard. Because it will be hard, but not impossible. It makes me a little ashamed of my behavior over the last few weeks.

Taking another moment to gather myself, I wipe underneath my eyes to make sure there was no damage from my few tears.

When I get back to the party, I quickly locate my father and maneuver through the crowd until I reach him.

It's time to do something. It's time to be proactive about this. I take a deep breath, not quite ready to deal with everything but speaking anyway.

"Hi, Dad," I murmur, standing right behind him. He turns quickly, startling everyone in the general vicinity with the speed of his movement.

"Guys, I'll catch up with you," he says over his shoulder to the people he was conversin' with, not taking his eyes off me, his features fluctuating between hope and trepidation. He puts an arm around me, leading me away from the party-goers.

"Bella, it's so good to see you. Did you get my messages? I'm so sorry, sweetie," he says, talking rapidly when we are somewhat alone. "How are you? Are you okay? I can't even tell you how sorry I am, for everything."

"I got your messages," I say, managing a small smile. "Thank you, for apologizing."

"Of course, of course," he says, nodding. "A real man has to be able to admit when he's wrong. And I screwed up, bad, Bella."

I just nod, crossing my arms over my chest.

"I ruined everything, I know that. I do. But please, Bella. Don't shut me out. I know it will get better if you just let me help you. Just come back and let's do it together," he pleads.

"Listen, we don't need to hash this all out now," I say, not wanting to commit to leaving Edward's at the moment. "And I'm not ready to come home. But can you pick me up for brunch tomorrow? After church? Maybe around eleven? And we can talk?"

Charlie smiles from underneath that mustache. It's a little bit infectious.

"That's a good plan. I'll be there. But…" His face falls and I brace myself for the next terrible revelation. "I hate tellin' you this, but I promised you I'd be honest with you. But the house is goin' on the market next after the holidays. We just can't afford it anymore. I'm so sorry, sweetie."

The house. Oh, that's really not so bad. Sure, there are some good memories there, but really that's not bad, all things considered.

"It's okay. It's too damn big anyway," I say. Dad lets out a big sigh of relief. "Where are you gonna live?"

"Well, I'd like your input with that one. Maybe you'll come with me to look at places?"

"Okay."

This apartment thing means Mom is really not coming back. And even though this isn't exactly new information, it hurts anyway.

I glance around, seein' Edward stare at me intently from the other side of the grill. I give him a little smile, lettin' him know I'm alright.

Or workin' on it, anyway.

Charlie gives me an awkward little hug as I depart.

* * *

><p><strong>Have thoughts? I'd love to here them!<strong>

**Up next: STATE!**

**We're on the final stretch, folks. **


	23. Bigger in Texas

**Hi there! Yes, I'm still around and writing. Sorry about the wait. Real life is so time consuming these days.**

**Anyway, big week for UTL. So many recommendations on several different sites. Go to my tumblr, jaxington . tumblr . com (remove the spaces) to see that plus banners by the amazing Shahula and other stuff too.**

**For all you new readers, welcome to the party. We're in the home stretch now. **

**Thanks to Stratan for betaing, everyone who has read, rec'ed, reviewed, and you for reading this chapter right now.**

**The football talk is right out of the show which I don't own. Twilight is not mine either.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

><p>She sighs.<p>

I groan.

The corner of her mouth twitches up into a sexy half smile as she looks me right in the eye. All confidence now, gone is the shy, unsure girl that first graced my bed six months ago.

I kiss that corner, thinkin' of how absolutely, painfully stunning she looks laid out under me with the mornin' sun hitting her face as she writhes. I have to close my eyes for a moment to keep it together because she is so beautiful and not there yet.

One of her hands digs into my back while the other grasps my hip as I move with deep, slow thrusts.

She whimpers.

I murmur her name.

Her breath hitches and this time it's her captivating brown eyes that flicker closed.

I push one hand into her hair, tracing her cheek with my thumb as she arches off the bed. My pace gets frantic, and I can tell by the line that forms on her forehead, her slightly parted lips, and her breathy little sounds that she's close.

I kiss her, tryin' to capture those sounds, before her hand slides down between our bodies. She touches herself where we're connected, and I watch, so relived when I feel her start to tremble because I've held off for as long as I can possibly manage.

Bella throws her head back, lettin' out a cry that may have started out as my name but the intent is lost as she shudders beneath me.

My answering groan is just as incomprehensible.

Fuck, I love her.

I fall forward, propping myself up slightly with my elbows on either side of her head because I just ain't done lookin' at her and that radiant smile. She lies there beamin' as both of us work to catch our breath.

Bella giggles, still keeping her eyes shut. The movement of her laughs has her slick skin movin' against mine. I grin back, kissin' her sloppily as I once again try to swallow those sounds.

"What's so damn amusin'?" I mutter, finally giving in to my exhaustion as I fully lay down on top of her, my face against her neck.

"Nothin'," she assures me, her hand movin' through my hair. I close my eyes, havin' a hard time remembering that we need to get up. Real soon. But I'll take this moment to savor just bein' with her. "That was just… perfect."

"You're perfect," I reply. My lips against her neck makes her giggle again. She hums in pleasure, and I roll off of her so as to not crush the life outta her, bringing her firmly into my side.

We just lie there for a little while, touching and dozing, before Bella lets out a big sigh. I know what that sounds means. She's gonna make me get up.

"You packed?" she asks.

"Yes, Mom," I drawl, holdin' her tighter and refusing to open my eyes. Surely we have another moment. "You packed?"

Bella just snorts at my ridiculous question. Of course she's fuckin' packed.

"I just don't want you to forget anything you might need," she continues, slippin' out of my arms and out of my bed. I grumble and open one eye to better glare at her. "I don't know if you're aware, but tomorrow is kinda a big deal."

Oh, baby, am I aware.

"Come back 'ere," I say reachin' towards her and tryin' to be appealing. She shakes her head, wrapping a towel around her glorious body. This just elicits more grumblin' from me.

"Edward, you can't be late for State," she says, smiling softly. I grin because we're fuckin' going to State. I'm pumped for all of it – Cowboys Stadium, the bus ride, the hotel, the locker room, the press, the competition, and the damn game itself.

Fuck, I hope we win. We all want it so bad.

"You best be dressed by the time I get out of the shower" Bella says as she exits the room. "Alice is gonna be pickin' us up in half an hour."

"I love you!" I yell at her retreating form.

"Ditto, boyfriend," she replies without even turning around.

Bella is an obscenely fuckin' fast showerer – don't know how she does it with all that long ass hair – so I only give myself one more quick minute to be lazy and replay what just happened in my head.

Mornin' sex is one excellent perk of Bella livin' here. I'll sure miss it.

She's mended things somewhat with her dad – even if she's still pissed and hasn't quite figured out college. They're workin' on it. Charlie wants her to come home real bad, and she's plannin' on it. I think she's only hesitatin' because she don't want to ruin my playoffs mojo. I ain't superstitious about much, but she's been livin' here for all of the damn playoffs. It'd be stupid for her to leave now.

By the time she gets back, with her hair blow-dried and clothed in delightfully tight jeans and a Panthers t-shirt, I'm only mostly dressed. State is a big fuckin' deal and Coach insists that our wardrobe reflects this.

Dress clothes and ties are required for the long dive to Dallas.

"I'm gonna need to start inventin' reasons to get you in formalwear," she says as she takes in my fuckin' fancy black pants and white button up. This get up makes me feel like an asshole, but Bella's appreciative stare sure makes it worth it. "You're so pretty."

I just roll my eyes, fumblin' around with my goddamn tie.

Bella giggles and approaches me, tying the fuckin' thing herself. I don't know where she learned this. Don't totally know if I want to know.

"There," she murmurs, standing on her tip toes to kiss me quickly.

The very moment I'm on that bus and away from my lady, this thing will be loosened and that top buttons comin' undone.

I flop back down on my bed, relaxing with my hands behind my head as I settle in to watch Bella do her hair. The mirror that now hangs above my dresser is a recent addition.

I grin as I watch her brush out her long hair before she pulls it into a high ponytail. She prods and pokes at it until she decides it's perfect before adding a blue and gold ribbon.

"You are just too damn cute for anyone's good, Swan," I mutter, getting up and pulling her into my arms. "Makes me never want to leave this room."

"Oh no, that is the absolute wrong attitude for this weekend, Cullen. Champions do not let themselves get distracted." Her lecture and this attempt to give me a talkin' too makes me want to kiss her again, so I do.

A car horn and a bunch of yellin' interrupts us, making Bella laugh.

"Come on," she says, picking up her duffle as I pick up mine. "That's our ride."

"Goin' to Dallas," I say, unable to stop grinning as we walk outside.

"State!" Bella yells, jumping up and down as we make our way to Alice's car where Emmett is already sucking face with Rose who sits in the passenger's seat. Alice leans all the way out the window, screaming and honking her horn.

It's amazing, how excited Bella and Alice are. They even decorated Alice's Honda with Blue and Gold paint. Not bad for the only two people in the state of Texas to hate football.

Bella does it because she knows it's important to me. It makes her happy because she knows it makes me happy. That kinda thing is real special, right here.

I just watch for a minute as my little support system laughs and cheers and high-fives. Standing there with my arms crossed over my chest, I soak up their excitement, preparing myself to give them one hell of a game.

"Eddie!" Emmett shouts as her puts our bags in the trunk. "Get your ass in the car! Time to get this show on the road!"

Here we go. Straight to State.

* * *

><p>"This is a fucking swanky ass ride," Jake comments, reclining and unreclining his chair over and over. "Seriously, EC. Did you even know a fucking bus could be this fucking nice?"<p>

"Nope," I reply, reclining my own seat and staring out the window at the crowd of Dillon fans that line the street as we pull away from the high school. It's pretty great, knowin' that the overwhelming majority of them will be getting in their cars and following us to Dallas, goin' up and getting rooms tonight or making the drive early tomorrow morning. "It's a fuckin' nice bus."

Jake elbows me in the arm, nodding across the aisle where Ben sits with his head in between his knees.

"You okay there, Seven?" I ask, feelin' like something of an idiot. It's painfully obvious that the boy is definitely not okay.

Ben sits back against his seat, nodding with his eyes closed.

"What, you car sick or something? Puke on Crowley, not me." Tyler flips Jake off from his seat next to Ben before putting on his headphones and staring out the window.

"I don't get carsick," mutters Ben, still not opening his eyes. "Or charterbus-sick."

"Aw, shit," replies Jake, hitting Ben in the arm. "You freakin' about State? Don't be doin' that. State will be cake."

Everyone around us yells at Jake for being a total moron.

"It's gonna be a war, son! War ain't easy!"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"You're gonna jinx us man!"

"Let's not get cocky now."

"Okay, okay, fine!" Jake replies, lookin' properly ashamed. "It ain't gonna be easy but we'll still work it out. No need to be freakin', Benny."

Ben does not look properly consoled so I lean over Jake, talking quietly so as to not attract anymore attention to the fact that our leader and QB appears to be havin' some sort of episode with 24-hours to go till the big game.

"Listen up, Cheney," I say. "You've put in the work and the time. You know what you're doin'. All that game tape and training with Jazz and practice… you're ready to lead us to that sweet victory. Now's the time to just enjoy the experience, QB. Soak it all in because no matter what happens tomorrow, this is State and this is gonna be one of the most epic moments in all our lives. No use stressing about it."

Ben nods at me and looks like he's calm down at least a little bit. It's not like he's not the only one that's nervous as fuck, but I ain't gonna let anything – especially my own fear of failure – take away from this.

It's fucking State.

State.

Fuck, we're goin' to State. It's pretty surreal.

Everyone stays pretty pumped for the couple hour drive to Dallas. Coach Felix stands in the front of the bus, starting a freestyle session. Most everyone claps out a beat as he raps about how we're sure to dominate tomorrow. A couple of the guys take over where he leaves off.

I grin, hit again with that knowledge that we have something special here. I've never been a part of something – not a family, not anything – like I'm a part of the Dillon Panthers. I don't think anything could feel like this – not even playin' at the college level.

Things go quiet as we pull off the highway and see Cowboys Stadium. Although my long gone Grandpa Cullen took me to a game once when I was a real little kid, this place is virtually brand new and fucking huge.

Biggest dome in the damn world, they say.

Everyone stares out the windows, silently trying to picture what it's gonna be like on that field.

"Oh, fuck me," Ben murmurs, speaking for all off us.

* * *

><p>"It was strange at first, gettin' involved with the team as a coach. But I'm just happy to be a part of it. To be a Dillon Panther. I've been working with Cheney for a while here, and I'd say he's ready. They're all gonna shine."<p>

I listen to Jasper giving an interview behind me, forgetting to pay attention to my own reporter. I'm glad my best friend is here. Even if he doesn't see me that way anymore, I still think of Jazz as the best friend I'll ever have. He's still critical to this team and me too.

"What were you sayin', Edward? About West Cambria's defense?" This woman with huge hair pushes the microphone a little closer into my face, and I begrudgingly answer. I've always found sports interviews to be pretty fucking stupid for the most part, but I try to conduct myself with a little grace.

Part of being a Panther and all that.

We checked in to the fanciest hotel I've ever stepped foot in and settled in to our rooms for about ten minutes before we were hustled out of there. Bella was gettin' into the elevator just as I got off in the lobby. She squeezed my hand and smiled at me when I passed.

I'm glad she's here, too.

We put our gear in the locker rooms. They really went all out, assigning us lockers with nameplates and everything. And I wouldn't even call them lockers. More like giant wooden cubbies. Jake took a picture of his with his cell phone.

They gave us about twenty minutes to just wander around the field. Everything is so big, it got my nerves goin'.

"Soak it all in," Ben reminded as the Mustangs walked out through the opposite side of the field. There's a lot of scowling and posturing, but when the reporters come out the teams stay pretty divided along the 50 yard line.

I spout a bunch more crap to a bunch more reporters. Ben, Mike, Jake, and I are kinda the star players, so all the stations want a word with us. Mike and Jake bask in the attention. Ben stutters nervously. I try no to be too much of a moody bastard.

"So, Edward? How do you plan on beatin' West Cambria tomorrow?" my last interviewer asks.

I'm unable to stifle my snort and eye roll.

"Well, sir," I reply, putting my hands on my hips. "We're plannin' on scoring more TDs. Puttin' more points up on the board."

After that sarcastic response, Coach finally steps in to end the madness. He ain't a fan of the press neither.

I thought we'd have maybe a few more minutes to just hang out on the field, but instead, we only get a quick second to get back into our business casual attire. I can't even believe I know what business casual attire is.

We're led to a big old room on the Club level. It's all decked out in Cowboys stuff. A lot of the guys get star struck, thinkin' about who normally plays here.

Again, we have fuckin' name cards instructin' us where to sit. This little dinner is for the team, the boosters, and some high ups from Texas High School Football. It's weird to think that somewhere else in this giant stadium, West Cambria is goin' through the same rigmarole.

I perk right up when I catch a glimpse of Bella sitting across the room with her dad, Coach, and Alice. No other cheerleaders are here, and it takes me a minute to figure out that she's here because Charlie is head booster.

They feed us some damn fine steak and that makes the rest of the evening semi bearable. It seems like hundreds of dudes I've never heard of stand at the podium and talk about what a big deal this is. How we should be proud. We'll see tomorrow who the best team in all of Texas is. This is 5A, division I ball, after all.

Coach talks last, keeping it blessedly short. He starts by thanking pretty much everyone involved, down to the people coordinating this whole thing. Then he talks right to the team.

"Tomorrow, all those seats are gonna be filled up," he says, gesturing towards the big windows at the back of the room that provides a view of the field below. "And it's a big deal. There's a lot of pageantry involved. This is State. You deserve it, gentlemen. It don't get much better than this, but come tomorrow, I want you all to play your game. The game I know you got in you."

And with that, we are dismissed for the evening, relieved from all duties till bright and early tomorrow morning.

We run into a horde of Mustangs in the lobby of the hotel, and Mike gets a little heated, but we manage to get him out of there before he embarrasses us too much.

Everyone is quiet that night. Ben and I retreat into our room and don't talk. He puts on the TV, but neither of us really watch it. Finally, we give up and try to get some shut eye.

Around midnight, I give up.

_You awake?_

I text Bella, hoping that she'll just talk to me. Calm me down.

_Yes. Do you want to go somewhere? Or are you planning on following curfew?_

I sigh in relief as I type out a quick reply.

_I'm not one for rules. A walk? I saw a park not too far away._

_I'll meet you in the lobby in 5._

* * *

><p>"Woman, I ain't gonna have no clothes left the rate your goin'," I say, pulling Bella closer to my side as we walk through the park. It's well lit and peaceful, a fountain in the middle is the only sound beside our footsteps and voices.<p>

She pulls at the collar of my hoodie. "I'm just borrowin' it," Bella says. "I knew that we wouldn't be sharin' a bed tonight, and I wanted something that smells like you."

I laugh at this. "That's borderline creepy, Bella," I tease.

"Oh, that's real nice coming from the boy who routinely steals my panties and keeps them in his front pocket! Wearin' your hoodie to bed is much more hygienic than that!"

"You know I do that?" I ask, genuinely surprised to hear this.

"Edward, I'm not a fool."

She shivers and I pull her closer before we happen on a bench and take a seat. It has a pretty good view of Cowboys Stadium, and we both stare at it in silence for a while. Bella's head rests against my shoulder and I hold her right up against me.

"You couldn't sleep," she murmurs.

"I can't remember the last time I went to bed this early. You know me," I reply, avoiding the real reason I couldn't sleep. Bella gets it anyway.

"I couldn't sleep either," she says, slipping her cold hand under my sweatshirt and makin' me shiver slightly.

"You nervous?" I ask. "There's gonna be a lot of people watchin' you do your thing tomorrow."

"Urrg," she groans. "Please don't remind me. I always knew this State thing was a big deal, but I didn't totally get it until I got here."

"And thank you for reminding me just what a big deal tomorrow is," I reply.

"Aw, honey," she says. "You ain't used to being nervous, are you?"

I shake my head because she's right on the money. There are very few things I care about enough to get nervous. The girl next to me is one of them.

"Edward," she says, pulling my face down to hers, her dainty little hands on either side of my jaw. "It's going to be amazing. You're part of this amazing thing. This season has been so unexpectedly brilliant and after everything… we'll either way, you should be damn proud, but I think you are going to win. I have a feeling."

"Well," I say, kissing her nose before zeroing in on her lips. "You're feelings sure have been dead on lately. Guess I'll just have to trust you."

"It's the wise thing to do."

I kiss her then, so relieved to have someone to share shit like this with. It's pretty new, the feeling of being able to totally depend on someone.

We make out for awhile in that park next to Cowboys Stadium until Bella yawns. We walk back, arms around each other. She kisses me before slipping into the room she's sharing with Rose. When I get back to my own room, I fall asleep before my head even hits the pillow.

* * *

><p>It's bad.<p>

Real bad.

Heart-breakingly, soul-crushingly, bad.

It's like we're forgot everything we've been perfecting since the beginning of the season. I manage to do alright, even thought none of my carries get me into that end zone, but it's hard not to feel defeated with the team playin' like a bunch of amateurs.

It can't end this way.

We trudge into the locker room at the half, down 23 to fucking 0, feelin' like we'll never be happy again.

Everyone sits around in stunned silence for a minute, too shocked to explain anything. I knew it wouldn't be easy – nothing about the last months has been fucking easy – but never did I imagine that we'd choke this horrifically.

"When Jasper Whitlock went down in the first game of the season, well, everybody wrote us off. _Everybody_." I look up from staring at the floor to Coach when he speaks. His voice is quiet, which kinda freaks me out. I expected his anger. Maybe he's too stunned to work up a good mad – just like the rest of us.

I glance over to J, watchin' him watch Coach with that scary intensity that he always brought to the field.

"And yet here we are at the championship game," Coach continues in hushed tones. "Right now, 40,000 people out there have also written us off. But there are a few out there who do still believe in you. A few who'd never give up on you. When you take that field, those are the people I want in your minds. Those are the people I want in your hearts."

I think about Bella and how much she wants this for me. I think about Emmett and how he used to force me out of bed freshmen year, getting me to weekend practice.

Coach pauses, giving us a moment to let us picture all those people who will never give up on us – even if we lose.

"Every man at some point is gonna lose a battle," Coach says, getting back a little of that fire now. "He's gonna fight and he's gonna lose. But what makes him a man is that in the midst of that battle, he does not lose himself. This game is not over. This battle is not over."

He stops, looking at all of us, seein' us absorb those words. I don't know how he does it, but Coach manages to change the energy in the room. Bringing us back from the very brink.

"So let's hear it one more time, together. Clear eyes, full heart," he shouts.

"Can't lose!"

* * *

><p>We score on our first position of the second half. I run it into the end zone, and just like that, the momentum shifts and we're unstoppable.<p>

It's like we're a whole new team. It's like we're us again.

The clock ticks down and we're behind 26 to 21 with time for one play. And we have to get a touch down. There's not other option.

"We don't got a choice. We run an out and take our shot," yells Jazz during our last time out. "Cullen runs an 18-yard cross. Newton mirrors him on the other side. Cheney's gonna hit Cullen and he's gonna come underneath the defense. They're gonna collapse on him, but he's gonna pitch it to Newton."

Shit, that's an 18-yard hook and lateral. It'll be beautiful, and I stare at Coach, waiting for a response.

"That's an 18-yard hook and lateral," shouts Coach Bobby. "That'll never work."

I look at Ben who has a slight grin on his face. He feels it too. This is the way to win.

"It'll work," says QB1. "We got this."

"Come on, Coach," says Newton. I bounce on my heels, ready to fucking go. "We got this."

Coach looks from Jasper to Ben a couple more times before nodding.

"Run it," he says. "You run it."

Everything kinda slows down when we get on that line. I find that calm, tap into that thing that seems to make my body run without any thought or direction from my head.

Cheney starts the play, and the ball is right where it should be when I cut back. Everything works seamlessly, as I pitch it to Newton right before they bring me down. It's a hard hit, but I don't feel no pain as I crane my neck from underneath this giant Mustang, watchin' Newton take off down the field.

I guess he deserves to be a little cocky, the way he moves. It's a thing of real beauty, seein' how easy he makes it look. After breaking two tackles, he gets into the end zone.

And we've done it. We've won state.

The feeling of victory kinda debilitates me for a minute, so I just lay there with my face in the turf, not gettin' up even when the other player frees me. I revel in this supreme joy, maybe even shedding a tear or two before gathering myself and getting to my feet.

I throw my arms around Ben, because he's the first person I see. I lift him off the ground as her cheers, holdin' his hand in a number one over his head. The rest of the team joins us and we have one big group hug.

I glance around, lookin' for Jazz or Bella. Don't know which one of them I want to share this with first.

When Jake works his way to me as I try to make my way towards Jasper, he actually takes me down right by our bench.

"We did it, baby!" he screams in my ear as I laugh. "We fuckin' did it!"

I laugh as Coach pulls us both up.

"You did good. You did damn good. I don't know if I've ever been quiet so proud."

It's damn embarassin' but I feel like I'm gonna cry again. His words feel good. Coach turns toward the crowd that continues to scream and cheer. He waves at Alice. I do the same, seeking out Emmett, who is just standing there, grinning.

And then finally, finally, I find Jazz, sitting at the end of the bench, tears streaming down his cheeks. I get to him real quick, staring down at him for a second before falling to my knees and huggin' him awkwardly.

I probably should have waited for some sign from him that this is okay, but then he hugs me back and I know that we'll be okay.

Winning seems to have made things okay.

A giant ass trophy is presented to Coach, Ben, and I. We pass it around to everyone before the crowd starts to file out. I start to get frustrated when we have to do more interviews because I haven't been able to get a good look at Bella as she mills around with the rest of the cheerleaders.

When we finally start making our way to the locker room I catch a glimpse of Bella, moving off with the rest of the cheerleaders, wherever their locker room is.

She smiles at me, but I'm twitchy to share this with her.

* * *

><p>"Party at Cullen's!" Jake declares as the bus pulls into Dillon High's parking lot. I laugh as everyone cheers, but my forehead remains glued to the window, lookin' for my lady in the crowd. It's hard to see anything specific except a lot of blue and gold.<p>

It took forever to finally hit the road. I really want to see my girl

"I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that," Coach yells, standing as the bus comes too a stop. "Now that was a damn fine game. Damn fine. You should be proud of yourselves. State champions!"

We all let out a cheer.

"Enjoy it, boys. Because pretty soon here we go back to work for next year. Damn fine game."

We file out of the bus and are immediately mobbed by the crowd. I grin because gettin' love from the town is pretty damn great.

I get away from the bus a little to where the crowd is a little thinner, still looking for Bella.

She sneaks up on me somehow, hittin' me with such force I almost topple us over. But I manage to stay on my feet, lifting her off her feet. She wraps her legs around my waist and smiles down at me.

She's cryin,' her cheeks all wet.

Happy tears, no doubt.

Right there, in front of everyone we know, Bella kisses me. It's pretty much the most perfect moment, and all that noise of celebration goes quiet as her mouth moves with mine. The kiss is sloppy and a little wet with her tears, but I don't fucking care because we just fucking won State and Bella is kissing me.

She has to break away after a moment because she starts hiccupping.

"You're crying," I observe stupidly.

"I'm just so happy!" she claimed. "You did it and you were brilliant."

"You just kissed me in front of everyone," I say, still kinda shocked by all the good shit that's happened today.

Bella glances around, and so do I. No one seems to be paying much attention, too distracted by sweet victory. Even though we haven't exactly been public about what's goin' on with us, we haven't exactly hidden it either.

"I think that's okay. Right? Isn't it okay?" she asks, blushing.

"It's great," I reply, gettin' a better grip on her.

"We're not the only ones," she says, tilting my head to look in the direction she's lookin' in. I grin when I see Alice in Jasper's lap, arms around his neck, apparently tryin' to eat his face.

"We don't look like that when we make out, do we?" I ask.

Bella giggles. "They look great. Don't be a jerk."

"Everything's turning out to be shockingly good, ain't it?" I muse, a little stunned. There hasn't been a lot of good in my life. Bella and Jasper and winning all seems like too much.

Bella's smile falters slightly, morphing into that fake one I hate so much.

"Aw, shit, Bella," I say, setting her down. The second she gives me that look I realizes what an ass I'm bein'. Everything's not shockingly good for Bella.

"No," she says, cutting me off when I'm about to apologize. "This is a good night. Let's keep it that way, okay?"

Bella pulls my face down to hers, kissing me, and it's not too hard to agree.

* * *

><p>BPOV<p>

I sit on the kitchen counter, listening to Rose recount all her favorite parts of the game but mostly watching Edward across the rooms. He's in the thick of it, basking in the glory of victory. Surrounded by his team - and various female admirers I'm trying to ignore – he looks so in his element.

Tonight he's a hero, and I don't see how it could be much more perfect.

"Well, this night just got a little more interesting," Rose muses, nodding towards the front door. At first like it's just Alice, entering by herself. But then the crowd shifts slightly and I see Jasper smiling up at her.

Alice and I make contact, and I wish she didn't look so guilty. I wonder if it has something to do with me. She whispers something in Jasper's ear. He nods and moves towards the majority of the team while Alice picks her way towards us.

"Hey," she says, wringing her hands. I've never seen Alice like this. I've never seen Alice be anything but her usual confident, unique and proud of it self. It's kinda freaking me out.

"Hi," I reply, giving her a smile, hoping it makes here feel better.

Alice doesn't reply, just opening and closing her mouth a lot. The silence gets awkward as she continues to stare at me. She glances at Rosalie, and suddenly I understand that she wants to talk to me alone.

"Hey, Rose?" I say.

"What?" she snaps, irritated that I'm interrupting her avid staring.

On a side note our eight grade teacher called her a gossip whore once.

"Can you go get Alice and I drinks?" I ask, giving her a significant look.

"No, get your own damn—"

I kick her and she scowls.

"Fine," she mumbles, leaving our somewhat secluded corner of the kitchen.

Alice just continues to stare, glancing over her shoulder to where Edward and Jasper are now chatting. I smile, happy that they are managing to share this moment.

"So…" I say, swinging my feet as I wait for Alice to say something. "You and Jazz, huh?"

I figure its best to dive right in. Assuming this is what's bothering her. I don't know what else it could be.

"Yeah," she replies, looking guilty again. "I should have fucking told you. I don't know why I didn't fucking tell you. It's just a fucking weird situation, but I am sorry. I should have told you."

Alice messes with her hair, reminding me of Edward for a moment.

"Alice, there's no need for any of that," I say, smiling at her as I hop off the counter and lay my hands on her shoulders. "I've figured something's been going on after I saw the way he looked at you after the game against the Rangers. I'm really happy for you guys. He deserves someone good like you, Alice."

"Good? I don't know about that," she mumbles, looking towards Jasper again. Her expression goes soft.

"You really like him," I observe quietly. Alice snaps her head back towards me, her eyes narrowing. "You like him the way I like Edward."

"Whoa, there. Lets not get ahead of ourselves. I mean, I like him, sure. He's fucking hot and interesting. And I like to be near him. And he isn't like anyone I've ever met. But I wouldn't go fucking saying I like him like you like Edward. Fuck, Swan. You're making me want to puke."

I hug her and grin because she's obviously not quite ready to admit it to herself, but it's there. I can tell.

"Come on, Alice," I say, grabbing her hand as I release her from the hug. "Let's go see Rosalie about those drinks."

* * *

><p>"The night is still young!" Edward yells out the front door as more people stagger home. "There are memories to be made!"<p>

"Poor, Eddie," Jazz says, shaking his head. "No one ever wants to party as late as he does."

Jasper, Alice, Rose, Emmett, Angela, Ben, and I are the only ones left – not counting Jake and Tyler Crowley who're passed out on the couches. We sit in a circle on the floor. None of us quite ready for the night to be over.

Twelve hours ago, the Panthers won State.

"Fuckers," Edward mutters, grabbing a beer before sitting next to me, close but without touching. I think we're both a little self-conscious. Jazz is here, interacting with us like nothing bad ever happened, and we don't want to ruin it. "I was plannin' on seein' the sun rise."

"Well, then let's go do something," Rosalie says, slurring slightly. I giggle, my drunkenness making her drunkenness seem funnier than it actually is.

"Like what?" Angela asks. "It's three in the AM."

Everyone goes quiet to brainstorm. I can't focus on anything but Edward's jaw and how perfect today was. I'm still giddy with excitement for him. For all of them.

"We could just sit here and drink more," Emmett suggests. Everyone murmurs, deciding that don't sound too bad.

"Naw," replies Edward, shaking his head and surprising me. "This is a special fucking night. One that'll go down in the history book. We gotta do somethin' different."

More silence.

"I've got it," declares Jasper, grinning somewhat manically. "But it's gonna involve a whole pile of blankets, alcohol, a football, and a bit of walking."

Walking. That sounds horribly unappealing. I didn't exactly sleep well last night, worried and excited about the game at the same time. It's been a long damn day and lugging around more alcohol seems really unappealing.

"I'm in," Edward says immediately, making me groan. "Let's fucking do it."

* * *

><p>We approach Herrmann Field half an hour later, arms laden with a couple sleeping bags and blankets and pillows and beer. There is no bedding at all left in Edward's house. Jasper's genius plan is camping out on the Panther's field. It's actually a pretty great idea and really not that far from Edward's house although this walking is about killing me.<p>

The cold had me wary, too – December is chilly, even in Texas – but my layers and all that alcohol are keeping me warm. Rose calls it wearing her drunk jacket.

I lag behind, going at an even slower pace than Alice and her short little legs. She has to take at least four steps for Edward's one and for some reason, this thought makes me laugh. At the sound, Edward notices how far behind I am. He says something to Jasper, handing his stack of blankets over to his best friend before jogging over to me.

"What in the world is taking you so long?" he asks.

"My legs are short and tired," I explain, shifting my backpack slightly. Edward sighs before turning and crouching down in front of me.

"Hop on," he says.

"Are you trying to give me a horsey back ride?" I ask, barely getting my words out though my laughter. Everything is funny and perfect tonight.

"Just hop on, Swan."

I do what he says and he takes off running, causing me to shriek and giggle. We beat the rest of the crew to the field, flopping down on the turf right on the 50-yard line. We lay on our backs under those lights, side by side.

It's funny how I never really liked being here or saw how this place was special, until Edward. I get a little pang of sadness, realizing its over. Everything will be different next year, but I'm glad I finally saw the good in this town, in this sport, before it ended.

It feels like I was part of something great, even though I wasn't a Panthers player. And that's just what everyone wants, isn't it? To be a part of something.

The rest of the group joins us and we set up a little camp, laying out blankets and arranging things. I realize that everyone here is basically a couple. I wonder how this worked out.

Emmett and Ben organize a football match, deciding to do their own version of powder puff. Edward declines, rubbing his shoulder. I know that last hit hurt him, but he'd never complain. I want to say no too, but they need me for even teams so I begrudgingly get up.

Emmett, Rose, and Alice play against Ben, Angela, and I, with both the boys serving as QB. Somehow running around gives me a second wind, and I get really into it. For someone who doesn't even really like football, I do all right. Rose and Angela are both kinda scary in their intensity. Poor little Alice really has no idea what she's doing which is endlessly entertaining to the rest of us as she's Coach's daughter.

As we line up for a play, I glance back to see Edward and Jasper talking. It makes me smile. I wonder if I'll ever get a talk with Jasper.

Eventually Rose tackles Angela – something generally frowned upon in two-hand touch – and we decide to call it a tie.

When we get back to our little campsite, we drink a little more. Alice rolls a joint, passing it around in a circle. I decline. Edward doesn't. He expels the smoke slowly and I watch is curl around his head before a breeze takes it away. Everything gets quiet and we talk in hushed tones.

I don't know about everyone else, but I'm trying to burn this day into my memory.

Alice gets Jasper to smoke – something I never thought I'd see happen. He inhales her smoke as she exhales, and suddenly the moment feels to private so I look away, towards Edward who grins at me dreamily.

Slowly, everyone else falls asleep. I lean against Edward, who talks about how happy he is, managing to keep my eyes open until I watch the sun rise with him. We lie down together and Edward covers our heads with a blanket when he sees me shiver.

* * *

><p><strong>So Coach's awesome half time pep talk taken right out of the show. I didn't write that.<strong>

**Questions? Comments? Concerns? Share your thought! If you feel like it,**

**Thank you.**


	24. Thirteen Hours to Boulder

**Well, hello there! I've missed you. Real life is far too time consuming.**

**So this is going to be the last official chapter, but do not fret. I've planned at least three epilogue type things of E & B in college and such. And seeing as I also planned that this story would only be about 7 chapters, there's a good chance that there will be more.**

**I also have a big chapter I wrote from Alice's POV when we were only about 3 chapters in. Let me know if your interested in reading. **

**Thank you thank you thank you - for the reading and the reviewing and the recommending and the alerting and the favoriting. **

**Big thanks to Stratan for making my first experience with a beta so damn great.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

><p>February<p>

"When are you gonna come check out the new place, Cullen?" Jasper demands as we make our way to the parking lot after practice. Even through we became State Champions two months ago and I'm gettin' my diploma at the end of May, things mostly stay the same. Off season is all about conditioning, endurance, and I'm thankful Coach is lettin' me keep in shape with the team.

Colorado wouldn't want nothin' to do with me if I developed a beer belly between now and this summer

"I don't got much time, J," I explain, checkin' the time on my phone, concerned that I lingered too long after practice. Coach has also been letting me sit in on his meetings with the rest of the staff. I'm just tryin' to learn as much as I can while I'm still here. "Bella gets off at seven."

Jasper snorts.

"The chances of Bella actually being done at seven are slim to none. That girl can't be anywhere when she says she will and gettin' off work ain't no different I'm willing to bet."

I chuckle because he's right. I always end up waiting in the parking lot of Applebee's for at least fifteen minutes. What she does in that restaurant after quitin' time is beyond me.

"Come on, Ed," Jasper says. "One beer. Either that or I'm gonna have to roll home."

"You live like eight blocks away," I point out.

"One damn beer! It's offensive that you ain't seen my first place away from my parents yet," Jasper insists, continuing to follow me to my truck.

"Okay, fine!" I say, pleased that he wants me around at all. "One damn beer."

A lot has changed since last fall. Everything ain't like it was, but that's okay. I've got Bella and he's got Alice. We don't see each other that much, especially outside of football. When we hang in a group, he doesn't really talk to Bella, but that's okay, too.

Better, at least.

He's still my best friend, and I have time for one damn beer.

* * *

><p>"Do you remember that night?" Jazz asks as we sit next to each other on the concrete porch outside his little ground floor apartment after a tour. He shares it with Peter, who still is not my biggest fan. The feeling is definitely mutual, but the dude has really helped Jasper figure out how to live on his own. "The night we drank on Herrmann Field?"<p>

"You mean the night after State where we all got really drunk and camped out? I got about ten minutes of sleep before Coach showed up, lookin' for you and Alice because your parents were all concerned when you didn't come home. Is that the night?" I ask, chuckling at the memory as I bring the bottle to my lips.

"Yeah, that was rough. Especially with me being a Coach and all. I didn't even think it was appropriate for me to be there, but there ain't no arguing with Alice. That was pretty brutal with her dad showin' up and my rents freakin'. Why the hell to you think I moved out?" Jasper asks, shaking his head. He sure was embarrassed to be collected by Coach, woken up all snuggled up with Alice.

I found it pretty damn funny, though. Still do.

I laugh, going back to my beer.

"That's not even the night I was referring to," Jasper continues, sounding serious all the sudden. I glance over at him, raising an eyebrow as I try to figure out where he's goin' with this. "The first night. With just the guys. You know… the first time we really hung out after I wised up about you and Bella."

Things get a little tense in a way that I haven't felt since we won State and got back to being friends.

"Yeah," I agree, matching his serious tone. "I remember."

Jazz picks at the label on his brew, not meeting my eye.

"Why?" I ask when he doesn't speak.

"Well…" Again, I don't like his hesitation. It makes me nervous. "You promised you'd tell me everything."

"Everything?"

"You know… about you and Bella gettin' together," he explains somewhat unnecessarily.

"I remember. You want to do this now?" I'm a little confused about this timing. Things have seemed pretty damn good between us since December. I thought we were passed all this.

"Well, there ain't gonna be a good time to do it. And I want to know. I still don't really get how it happened," Jasper says, talking quietly. I study him for a moment. He doesn't seem particularly pissed or hurt. It doesn't really make sense to me, the way he wants to get into this when everything's okay and he's got Alice. But I promised. He's got the right to know.

"Okay. Let's do this. What'd you wanna know?" I ask, even though I don't want too.

"I guess…. Just when? When did you two get together?"

I shuffle uncomfortably in my seat, finish my beer, and check the phone to see if I have to get Bella.

Nope. Still got twenty minutes till I have to leave, probably more if I factor in all the time she spends dallyin' around doing who knows what.

"Uh… well…" I stutter. All these feelings of guilt and regret are resurfacing after months of lying dormant. When Jazz and I made up, I stopped thinking and worrying about what an asshole I was to him. "Honestly?"

"Edward, just fuckin' tell me. I just want to know. Lay it on me," Jasper insists.

He seems sure. I'm not sure. Sighing heavily, I give myself one little second to prepare before diving right in.

"It was last summer, right after you left. All that shit with her dad went down, she was upset, and I comforted her. I didn't plan it. I never planned on doing anything about what I felt for her."

"Yeah, you did a real good job _comfortin'_ her," Jasper snaps, bitter now. I grimace. Jasper sighs. "Sorry, I don't know what that was about. I'm not mad anymore. I don't want Bella anymore. It just still… kinda sucks. It's like I can't separate how I felt about you and Bella from how I felt about the accident."

I nod even though I don't really get it.

"So then what?" Jasper pushes.

With another final sigh and wishing I had another beer, I give him the abridged version. I tell him about how we tried to stay away from each other. About how I broke things off, thinkin' that she'd never love me like I love her.

About how we were going to tell him everything until he got hurt.

The down and dirty details I keep for myself. For me and Bella.

Jasper doesn't say much. He has a dark look on his face as he nods along and avoids my gaze.

I'm honest with him, just like I promised I would be. I hope it's not too much, the way he's staring off into space.

"I'm not exactly surprised. Lookin' back, it was pretty obvious," Jasper murmurs.

"Bella really hated herself, Jazz. Not that it excuses anythin' or makes what we did to you right in any way, but Bella was in a really dark place," I say, wanting to make it clear that the whole thing was my fault, not Bella's.

Jasper snorts. "Yet you were the one that broke it off before I came home."

"Yeah… well, that wasn't really the best move, either."

This conversation is weird as fuck and I have no idea how Jasper's taking it. I have no idea if he'll even be my best friend after this.

"You were gonna tell me?" Jasper asks, switching gears. "After the first game? You were going to tell me?"

"Not me," I say, shaking my head. I really don't like reliving this stuff. "Bella was gonna tell you. She owed you a conversation about the break up, and we felt like you deserved to know, even if you'd hate us afterward."

"Damn right!" Jazz yells, glaring at me now. "You stole my goddamn girlfriend. Slept with her behind my back. Lied to me for months."

"Yeah, I know. But it wasn't totally like that. She isn't something that can be stolen. She's not a fuckin' _thing."_ Now I'm gettin' irritated, hearing him talk like that.

Jasper sighs. "You're right. Being with Alice has showed me that I didn't treat Bella all that good. I get how I was wrong before."

I nod, pleased to hear this.

"Do you know how I found out about you two?" Jasper continues when I don't say nothin'.

"You saw us huggin' or some shit?" I venture, thinking about that day we all had on the lake.

"Well, that was kinda the last goddamn straw. Peter wouldn't let me ignore it anymore."

Now he's totally lost me. I just stare at him blankly as he goes back to pickin' at the label on his bottle.

"I was still in the hospital, the week after the accident. Bella put on some DVD and then feel asleep about two seconds in. You know how she does that."

I smile and nod because I don't think Bella has ever seen the end of a movie. It's kinda amazing actually, how fast movies knock her out.

"So she falls asleep with her head on my bed, and I didn't have the heart to wake her. Her sleepin' through a movie made me feel so _normal_. For weeks after the accident, I was holding on to her because she made me feel normal. Made it feel like something was the same after the accident. That's all bullshit of course, but that's how I felt," Jasper says.

And that makes sense to me. Back then, I couldn't understand why he wouldn't just let her go. I was crazy with jealousy and guilt, but now things are clear. His somewhat desperate behavior makes sense now.

"The movie ended and it got late, but I still didn't wake her. I was too busy watchin' her and feelin' sorry for myself. And then… she started with the sleep mumbling. Just her usual gibberish at first but then she said your name. Clear as fuckin' day she said your name. _Twice_."

"Shit," I mutter, a little stunned that Bella gave us away like that. Without even knowing it.

And so fuckin' early in the game, too.

"Never in all the years that we were dating did she say my name in her sleep," Jasper continues. "Not fucking once."

I bite the inside of my cheek to keep myself from grinning like an asshole. There is really no need for me to be gloatin' about the fact that she loves me like she never loved him.

"Fuck, I hated you," he mutters.

I nod because there were irrational moments last year where I sure as fuck hated him, too.

"But it was just too damn much, thinking about you and her right at that moment. It seemed like I would never be happy or even okay again, and I couldn't deal with it. So, I woke Bella up, picked a fight with her so she'd leave, and then spent the rest of the night convincing myself I didn't hear a goddamn thing."

We both just sit in silence for a while. I absorb his words.

"The tension between the two of you was so fuckin' obvious, so I decided to ignore it. A couple weeks before you and Bella busted me out, Peter got me drunk, and I confessed all my suspicions. He was on me all the time after that for me to confront you two."

"And confront us you did," I mutter, remember how he got me damn good.

Jasper grins. "That felt pretty damn good, I'll tell you what."

I laugh, relieved that we seem to be gettin' to the end of it now.

"Alice got into Pratt," Jasper says, the words bursting outta him. I blink at him for a moment, caught off guard by his sudden topic change. Guess that means he knows everything he needs now.

"That fancy art school in New York? That's good isn't it?" I ask.

"Well, yeah, it's good. Apparently it's really tough to get in. But she's leavin', EC. I don't know what's gonna happen."

My phone goes off, and I'm a shit best friend because I'm relieved that this means I don't have to respond to him.

I don't know what to say because it really does suck for my best friend. He doesn't deserve any more pain, but asking Alice to stay sure doesn't seem like an option.

"It's Bella," I tell him.

"Aw, fuck. You're late. Oops."

I shake my head at him and answer.

"Hey, baby," I say.

"Hi. Where are you?"

"On my way," I reply, gettin' up and reaching out to shake Jasper's hand. "Be there in five."

* * *

><p>BPOV<p>

"So I got into Pratt," Alice says as she waits with me for Edward. She offered to give me a ride herself, but he claims to only be a few minutes late. I watch her rummage through her bag and light up a cigarette. She offers me one like she always does. I decline like I always do.

"Alice," I say, confused by her apparent lack of enthusiasm. "That's wonderful! How did we just work a whole shift without this coming up?"

Alice just shrugs.

"This is a good thing?" I ask, still not understanding her reaction. "Because you don't really look happy about it."

"I'm fucking happy about it, Swan. I'm fucking overjoyed. It's my motherfucking dream, to get into a place like Pratt. It'll get me out of this shithole," she declares, smoking at an alarming speed.

"You've wanted to get back to the east coast since you moved here," I agree.

"Well, yeah… but, I don't know anymore. Okay, so Dillon isn't as terrible as I originally anticipated. I mean, y'all are still uncultured as fuck." I grin at her use of that Texas slang, not taking her words personally. Alice loves us and Dillon in her own way. She just has a hard time admitting it. "And living with Coach has been pretty fucking great. Plus, I've never really had friends like you and Rose and Edward before…"

"Plus, you're in love with the local hero and former football star," I say, trying not to laugh at her again. Alice is really bad at emotions for an artist. Or anyone, really.

"Why do you always fucking say that?" she says with a groan, dramatically stomping her foot.

"Because it's true."

"It's not fucking true. I don't do love. I like the guy, and he's a shockingly good fuck given the circumstances."

"Alice!"

She ignores my reprimand.

"I'm leaving. I'm going to live out my goddamn dream at my goddamn dream school, and liking you all is making me sad about it instead of fucking ecstatic. Which I am, under the sad," she babbles, crushing her cigarette butt under her black sneaker.

"So in other words," I say, struggling to translate Alice into a language I understand. "You didn't expect to like your life here or fall in love with Jasper so now you're sad about leaving even though you're goin' to your dream school."

"That about sums it up," she says with a sigh. "Minus that love crap."

I give Alice a hug because she needs it.

"It's gonna be okay, Ali," I murmur in her ear, her short hair tickling my cheek. "Things have a way of workin' out, given the time. There is no reason why you can't have it all. Dream school, Jasper, and roots in Dillon."

"I've never had roots before," she confesses, taking a step away.

"It's not so bad," I tell her, watching Edward's truck pull into the parking lot, stopping at the front of the restaurant where Alice and I are standing.

"Ah, Swan," she groans. "I hate it when you get mushy on me."

I smile at her as Edward rolls down his window.

"Evenin', ladies," he drawls, giving me that crooked smile of his that I find painfully irresistible. "Nice shirt, Alice."

I laugh as Alice throws a string of curses at him. We both started at Applebee's around the New Year. Waitressing isn't so bad, but Alice can't stand the uniforms. She finds the purple polo with the restaurant's logo to be entirely unacceptable. Edward knows this and teases her pretty much any chance he can get.

"I heard you got into Pratt," Edward says when she stops yelling at him. "Congrats."

"How the fuck could you possibly know that?" Alice demands, lighting up another cigarette. "Bella is the third person to know, and I just told her. Do you guys share a goddamn brain or something? That's fucking creepy."

"I just had a beer with person number two, I believe," Edward explains. "Got a tour of the new place. It's pretty nice, if you ignore his roommate."

"I happen to like Peter," Alice says. "And my opinion counts a whole lot more than yours."

"That it does," Edward agrees, looking at me again. In this moment, it's like I can read his mind. Charlie will be home in an hour and Edward wants some personal time before I make us all a late dinner. "You need a ride home, Alice?" Edward asks, still looking at me.

"Fuck no. Like I would get in an enclosed space with you two while all this eye fucking is going on." I drop my gaze and blush at Alice's words. "Plus, I've got my car. I'll see you later."

With a final wave to my friend, I jog over to the passenger's side. The moment I pull the door closed behind me, I slide over and lay a good one on him, right on the lips.

"Well, hello to you, too," he says, chuckling. Edward keeps a hand on my thigh as I pull on my seat belt. "Let's get you home and out of those work clothes."

This is perfectly fine by me.

* * *

><p>"Do you think Mr. Swan would notice if one of his beers just happened to disappear?" Edward asks, peaking over my shoulder as I pull the lasagna I made yesterday out of the fridge.<p>

"He's not a moron," I remind Edward, moving away to put it in the oven. "Despite his money management skills, he can still count."

"Is that it?" Edward asks, gesturing towards the stove. "Dinner's done?"

"Well, I might make a small salad for me, but yes. It just needs to cook. I had some free time after school yesterday, what with you runnin' around with the coaches these days."

I set a timer before Edward and I settle on the couch, waiting for Charlie and dinner. He slips a palm under the leg of my yoga pants and I want him again.

"You went to Jasper's new apartment?" I ask, remembering what he said to Alice now that I once again able to form a coherent thought.

"Yup," he replies, pulling my feet into his lap and rubbing my calf. "It's nice."

I sigh. Edward's gotten a lot better about talking about things, but sometimes I still have to pull stuff out of him. I can tell by the way he won't meet my eye that he's got something on his mind.

"And you had a beer at Jasper's?" I push. "How was that?"

Edward winces, and I know something happened.

"Fine, Bella. It was fine."

"Is everything okay? Since State you two have been pretty much back to normal I thought."

I try to be happy for Edward, that he has his best friend back. Even if it's horribly unfair. Jazz still barely even looks at me, and it's okay. I was the cheating girlfriend. I broke his heart, or at least wounded his pride. But I do miss him sometimes, in a friend kind of way. I miss the three of us, but getting back there would just be impossible.

"It was… illuminating," Edward finally confesses. I settle in, watching him process and waiting for him to speak. It doesn't take long. "Jasper asked about us."

"Us?" I ask, confused. It's been pretty apparent for months that Edward and I are together. Surely Jazz is not picking up on that fact just now.

"How we got together in stuff."

I blush, feeling that guilt again.

"Yeah," Edward says, rubbing my leg again. "It was pretty fucking awkward, but I told him mostly everything. He got a little pissed, but it seems like we're still friends. So that's good, right?"

"That's very good. He has a right to be more than a little pissed."

"I don't really get why he wanted to know now," Edward mutters. "All this time has passed, and he's got Alice. And he's pretty fucking crazy about Alice."

"Maybe he's just finally ready. It's still got to be a struggle for him, to process and understand everything that happened last fall," I murmur, not totally understanding either. "His whole life is so different now, and to us he may seem fine, but I'm sure he still struggles. Maybe this was just another bit of closure for him."

After everything we did to him, Jasper will get whatever he needs from us to keep healing. If that means honesty from Edward and separation from me, than so be it.

Again, I'm thankful that he has Alice now. She seems to handle everything with such grace, striking the perfect balance of empathy, tough love, and just being there. She treats him like a person, not a disability. A lot of people only seem to see the chair. The former football great with no legs. Alice doesn't. And I've seen the way he looks at her. He never looked at me like that, and I hope she doesn't hurt him.

I hope he doesn't hurt her.

"Your sleep talking gave us away," Edward says, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"What are you talkin' about?"

He then proceeds to fill me on the beginnings of Jasper's suspicions.

"Wow," I say, a little stunned by this revelation. "That was right after he got hurt. Right when we were going to tell him if the accident never happened. Things would have been so different if he would have just said something."

"True," Edward says. "But you know what they say. If my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle."

"Oh, that's just charming," says my father, coming in through the front door just in time to hear my boyfriend mention genitalia. "Really great."

I blush like crazy, hiding my face in the back cushion of the couch.

"It's a fairly common sayin' I believe, sir," Edward says.

"You still said balls to my daughter," Charlie points out.

Great. Now everyone is saying balls

I cover Edward's mouth before he can reply, not letting this conversation go any farther.

"Hi, Dad," I greet, pretending like nothing strange just happened. "How was your day?"

Charlie shrugs out of his blazer and drops into his easy chair, sighing heavily. He had to sell the dealership around the time we moved out of our old house and into this apartment. Since then he's been working at a similar dealership in Dallas, managing it for a friend. The change has been rough on him, and I know he hates having a boss.

But he's making a decent amount of money. Slowly, he's working his way out of debt and hoping to help me out with college next year. Selling the dealership and our house has really helped. Although things don't look nearly as dire as they did last November, it's not perfect. I've spent a lot of time adjusting my expectations. Once I thought my whole college experience would be paid for. I thought I would go wherever I wanted and not have to pay a thing.

Things are different now, and I am finally okay with it, even if I haven't quite figured out if I'll be in the same state as Edward next year.

He just signed his official letter of intent last week. He's getting a full scholarship and leaves in the beginning of June to start practicing with the team.

"Not bad, honey," Dad says. "Not too bad. It smells real good in this house. What's cookin'?"

"Lasagna. It should be ready in about ten minutes," I reply, noticing how he changes the subject. Charlie really hates everything about his new job, but I can't really find it in myself to feel too bad for him. Really, he did it to himself.

That damn jumbotron.

"Sounds good, honey," my dad replies, closing his eyes and leaning back in his seat. "Sounds real good."

The three of us settle down for dinner at our small kitchen table. Most nights, the three of us eat dinner together. Edward stays pretty quiet, unnecessarily intimidated by my dad. Charlie usually just talks to me, asking about my day. He would be much happier with Edward around less, but it was part of the agreement when I moved here with him.

Edward and I are a package deal. It's that simple.

Last week, Charlie had a boat load of questions for Edward, what with it being letter of intent day. I saw it as progress.

Edward clears the dishes after we're doing eating. I smile gratefully at him as Charlie lingers over a beer. This is rare. Usually he retires to the living room and the TV. Sometimes Edward and I join him. Most times we go to my room to do homework with the door cracked open. Edward leaves promptly at ten, as per Charlie's request.

Tonight, Dad obviously has something on his mind.

"So, Bella," he says. "I need to have a talk with you."

"I can go," Edward says, returning from loading the dishwasher.

"No, sit," Charlie says, shaking his head and gesturing towards the chair next to me. "Ain't no reason for you not to be here. Bella would just call you afterward to tell you every word anyway."

I smile at this little sign of Charlie's acceptance of Edward.

Edward sits next to me, and I hold his hand in his lap under the table.

"So, college," Charlie starts.

"What about it?" I ask. "You know where I stand. Right now I've gotten enough scholarship money to make DU only slightly more expensive than Texas A & M, even with all the money they gave me. I have a couple months to decide and see if I get any of the other random scholarships I applied for."

Being in limbo like this is driving Edward and I both a little insane.

"I know, honey," Charlie says, shaking his head at me. "You might want to let me say what I have to say before you start babbling at me with facts I already know."

"Sorry," I mutter, feeling like an idiot. College is just a sensitive subject for me, especially with my dad. I tend to get a little defensive.

"It's fine. I hate that my mistakes have changed your life so drastically. That's why I called my brother today," he says, looking pained.

"Uncle Billy?" I ask, genuinely shocked to hear this. "As in your brother who you haven't talked to since I was about six years old? I thought you hated that guy."

"I do hate that guy," Charlie insists. I still don't know what their big falling out was over, but there has been no communication between the two of them in at least the last decade. It's a shame too. Apparently they used to be real close. "But I promised to do anything I could to get you to that damn school in Colorado, and you know that he's made it big in oil, that slimy bastard."

I stare at my father blankly, not getting what this has to do with me. Edward seems to have some understanding because he's grinning.

"Billy's going to help you out," Charlie mutters.

"What?" I squeal.

"Your uncle has agreed to pay most of your remaining tuition," my father says, shocking me. "You'll probably still need to work, and I'll help out when I can, but he'll cover you. It ain't much money to him and apparently he was thinkin' about setting up some sort of scholarship program next year. He figures his own flesh and blood is a decent place to start."

I just stare. It takes me a moment to realize what Charlie is telling me. I don't breathe as I squeeze Edward's hand with all my might.

Charlie swallowed his pride, goin' hat in hand to admit that he has no means to help me get through college, askin' a man he hates for money.

Oh my, this is really happening.

"What exactly are you saying?" I ask, my voice breaking.

"Prepare yourself, Colorado," Charlie says, grinning. "Here comes Bella Swan."

I hug my father and cry all over him before hugging Edward and crying all over him, too.

* * *

><p>May<p>

"And presenting the 2011 Texas State Champion ring to graduated captain, Edward Cullen is 2002 State champ, Emmett Cullen," announces Coach Masen into a microphone as everyone in the packed stands cheers like we're back at State.

I stand in the front row with Rose and Alice, thrilled to be part of a crowd for once rather than cheering in front of it. As of last night, we're all officially done with high school and I will never have to don another cheerleading uniform.

Unless Edward asks me real nice.

"How cool is it that Em gets to present a championship ring to his little brother?" Rose yells in my ear as Alice takes about a million pictures. Her camera seems to have an unnecessarily giant lens.

Since she got accepted to Pratt, Alice has become obsessed with documenting things for "posterity and future inspiration." I'm thankful she's capturing this moment.

Last night was our graduation from high school. Tonight is the championship ring presentation ceremony on Herrmann Field. It's a much bigger deal than graduation. Only in Dillon.

Graduation wasn't really a big deal to Renee either, as she didn't even bother to show up. Apparently, she's at a critical stage in dating some millionaire – her words not mine – and she just couldn't get away.

It's okay. I've gotten better at focusing on the good parts.

Emmett slings an arm over Edward's shoulders as the pair poses in front of another photographer on the field. They wear matching grins and jewelry, both showing off their championship rings with fists in the air.

This ceremony is a favorite with the town. Not only do they get to celebrate sweet victory all over again, by they get to relive championships of old as State champions going back to the sixties do the honors of giving the new champs their rings.

It's all pretty ridiculous and so totally Dillon. The closer I get to leaving this place, the more I see the good in it rather than the bad.

"The next championship ring is presented to Benjamin Cheney," Coach continues. Charlie is the one to give QB1 his ring. This is where my father loves to be, right in the thick of everything Panthers.

Old champions continue to present new champions with rings. Coach presents the last ring to Jasper. His ring comes on a long gold chain.

"He can't really wear a ring," Alice explains without pausing in her mad picture taking. "With his fingers the way they are, it would just be too awkward. The necklace was Coach's idea."

The whole team gathers together, showing off their rings to the crowd that just goes crazy. People take their picture, and Edward grins up at me. I return his smile.

Edward and I leave for Colorado in two days. Originally, I was gonna stay in Dillon this summer, but someone on the team has a girlfriend lookin' for a roomie this summer. She was even able to get me a job with her at a local coffee shop. Sometimes it's good be dating a football player. They do take care of their own, even if that sometimes looks like them smashing up a teammate's truck.

Still, my excitement is only matched by my sadness. I didn't think I would be the one aching at the thought of leaving Dillon.

* * *

><p>"Fuck, why didn't I bring a sketchbook," Alice mutters, digging through her purse and emerging with a digital camera, definitely not the giant one she had at the ceremony this evening.<p>

"What the fuck, Alice?" Rose demands. She has to yell to be heard over the party surrounding us. We stand outside on Mike Newton's back deck, enjoying this summer night. "I swear, now that you're going to art school you've gotten even weirder. Seriously, what are you doing, drunky?"

Alice does seem to have a hard time standing still long enough to take a decent picture. She sways with all the alcohol she's already consumed. I follow the direction of her lens, spotting Jasper and Edward holding their rings together, admiring them. Edward's is on his right hand. Jasper's on a necklace around his neck.

"What a pair of women," Rosalie mutter, shaking her head and drinking her beer.

"Definitely not a woman," I mutter into my own cup, defending my man's honor. "Neither of them, come to think of it."

I know firsthand that neither of them are women. That's pretty creepy.

"Fuck, Alice, will you cut that out. We're tryin' to have a conversation here. I don't want to be talkin' to no one through a camera. How many pictures of Jasper do you have at this point anyway? You've been photo obsessed for months."

"If I'm obsessed with anything, it's his hands," Alice explains, finally putting her camera away. She looks a little manic as she steals Rosalie's drink, downing it in a series of gulps.

"Bitch!" yells Rose.

"You're obsessed with Jasper's hands?" I ask, more interested in this than Rosalie's irrational raging. There are two kegs less than eight feet from us.

"So obsessed," Alice slurs. It's rare to see her this drunk. Usually she's damn good at hiding it and keeping her composure. She shoves the now empty cup into Rosalie's chest before holding out her own hands, curling her fingers. Like Jazz. "That's why he's a quadriplegic, you know, not a paraplegic. All four limbs don't work like they used to. He can't straighten his fingers. He does everything with them just like that."

She waves her hands in our faces. I take a step back, worried she'll accidently clock me.

"He eats and he drives and he types. He strokes my cheek and touches me other places too." Rose and I share a look because this has to be the strangest drunk rant I've ever heard. "His hands are so beautiful to me. I've drawn those hands thousands of times. I dream about his hands, paint his hands. His hands are haunting me! How the fuck am I supposed to function in New York while his hands are here?"

I don't really think we are strictly talking about Jasper's hands now. Alice only ever shows how torn up she is about leaving Jazz when her guard is down like this.

"Wow, Alice," Rose comments. "Way to fly that freak flag. Seriously, that was one look into your inner psyche I did not want. You could always just go to Dillon Tech like me. I think they may even have paintin' class for dummies."

Alice seems to snap out of whatever little spell that was compelling her to talk too much. "You're a goddamn great friend, Rosalie Lillian Hale. Let's get another fucking drink."

The pair moves off, and I watch Edward and Jazz for another moment before following them. I wonder if Jasper knows that Alice is freaking out about college.

A few minutes later, it starts to rain. It's warm and gentle, but everyone moves the party inside. I find Edward as people slowly file in through the sliding glass door. He wraps an arm around my waist, kissing my temple.

"Bella," he murmurs in my ear. "You aren't happy."

"I'm fine," I say, smiling brightly at him. This is basically a farewell party for all the players, but mostly Edward. For whatever reason, he's leaving a week before most of the guys that will also be playin' college ball.

"All right, y'all," Jake says, standing on a chair and garnering the attention of everyone packed into Newton's living room. "We motherfuckin' graduated!"

A big cheer goes up, making me smile as I snuggle into Edward's side. Someone passes around a bottle of whiskey. Edward, Mike, and Tyler pour generous amounts into their cups, preparing to toast to whatever Jake has to say.

"We gave y'all a pretty kick ass year, am I right?"

Again, everyone cheers in response.

"State champs!" yells Mike, looking about as drunk as Alice who I seem to have lost sight of in the shuffle.

"Clear eyes, full hearts!" yells Jasper.

"Can't lose!" replies everyone.

The entire senior class seems to be here, and they're all so damn happy. For whatever reason, it's making me melancholy.

"Anyway," continues Jake, still standing on that chair. "I just want y'all to raise your glasses, cups, bottles, whatever to one of our dear captains, Mr. Eddie Cullen. Where you at EC?"

Everyone glances around until all eyes are on us. I blush, never liking to be the center of attention, hiding my flaming cheeks in Edward's chest. He just grins, not minding one bit, but he rubs his hand on my back in a soothing circle, so I know I'm on his mind.

That's handy, because he's always on my mind too.

"There he is!" Jake shouts, jumping slightly on his chair. He seems to take longer to find Edward then pretty much everyone else. "Hey, Cullen."

"Hey, Jake," Edward says, voice rumbling in his chest. I can feel the vibration against my head.

"So, y'all know that this is gonna be Eddie's last Panther party," Jake says. People groan, some boo. Edward just grins, the smug little hot dog. "We'll do this whole thing over again when the rest us leaves, but for now, we've got to bid farewell to EC. He's a brave man, leavin' Texas."

"More like crazy!" someone yells, making everyone laugh. Edward nods, holding me a little closer.

"Anyway, lift your glasses to EC." Everyone does as Jake request, and it's kinda cool lookin', having all those raised glasses pointed in our direction. "You turned into one hell of a player last season. We'll miss you, Thirty-Three."

It's freaking unbelievable, how memory works in this town. Just last fall Edward and I were pretty thoroughly vilified. Edward might have even been run outta town if he weren't so damn good on that field. Now, no one more seems to find anything strange about the two of us here together.

Everyone drinks to my boyfriend. Edward stares longingly down at the whiskey in his cup, obviously debating whether of not it's okay to drink to himself. I laugh a little because he looks so torn.

But then Jake makes a toast to summer. Edward drinks to that one without hesitation.

About everyone wants a piece of Edward after that, and I make my escape.

When I get outside the rain on my face makes me feel better. I know I shouldn't be letting myself get sad and worry at a time like this, but it's difficult. So much has changed for me in the last year, and I'm nervous to once again totally restart my life.

This time last year, I thought my parents were a fairytale couple, that Jasper and I would have what they had, and that I would end up following him where he wanted to go for football.

Lordy, I was stupid.

I don't want that much to change in the next year, especially the way I am with Edward.

"Was all that in there too much for you, too?"

I whip around, surprised to see Jasper on the far end of the deck, his face pointed to the sky, just like mine.

That is the most he's spoken to me since he basically told me I deserved the torment I was getting at school. We see each other pretty regularly, but he doesn't talk to me and I respect that.

"A little," I confess, feeling awkward and embarrassed. "But in some weird way, I'm probably going to miss it."

"Is that why you're sad?" he asks, wheeling a little closer to me.

"I'm… uh, I'm fine," I say, having a hard time forming words. Probably because I'm not used to speaking with my ex. It might have something to do with all that alcohol, too.

"Bella, come on," he says with a groan. "I know you well enough to see that you're sad."

Why does he even care that I'm sad?

"It's a party!" I say, smiling brightly. "And I'm finally done with high school and I'm goin' the college of my dreams. It's drizzling, and I love that Texas rain. I've got nothin' to be sad about."

"Change is scary," Jasper mutters, tilting his face towards the light rain storm.

"But it ain't always all bad," I reply.

"It's mostly bad from where I'm sittin'," he says, breaking my heart a little. I want nothing more than for Jasper to be happy and healthy and whole.

"I hope you're smart enough to see how torn up Alice is about leavin'," I mutter, wincing as I hear the words come out of my mouth. I probably shouldn't be diving into something so personal or insulting his intelligence. I'm going to blame the alcohol.

'That don't change the fact that she'll be a million miles away," he murmurs.

There is nothing to say to make him feel better. I can't even imagine how it must feel to be left behind. How it must feel to be apart from the person you love.

"I'm sorry, Jasper," I tell him.

"For what?" he asks with a slight smirk. It's reminiscent of the last time we talked.

"For everything." I think about Edward. "For almost everything."

Jasper lets out a deep laugh, throwing his head back and everything. I chuckle a little myself, not knowing what he's thinking but feeling like everything is finally all right.

"We never really loved each other, did we?" he asks quietly after he gets a hold of his laughter.

"There are different kinds of love," I reply. "But no, we didn't have that crazy, soul deep love."

We're quiet again. I close my eyes and think about the rain on my face. It turns into more of a mist than a rain when Jazz speaks again.

"You've got one more night here in Dillon, huh?" Jasper asks, surprising me.

"Yup," I reply. "We hit the road bright and early Monday morning."

"Do you got plans, Swan?"

I try to read his intent in the expression on his face, but can't seem to figure him out.

"Just dinner with Charlie and Em," I murmur. "Then nothin'."

Jasper grins and turns back towards the back door.

"Good," he says as he goes back towards the party. "I want your last hours in Dillon."

* * *

><p>"You know, if Edward and I were smart, we would call it a night and sleep in a real bed," I say, accepting a beer from Jasper and pulling a blanket more firmly around my shoulders. "We've got about thirteen hours of driving to do tomorrow."<p>

"Guess we're not too bright then," Edward replies with that signature smirk. He and Jazz clink their bottles together.

"Hear, hear," Jasper says before takin' a nice long swig.

"This was one of your better ideas, Jazz," Edward says, leaning back against a tree and pulling me more firmly into his side. I lay my head on his shoulder and look up at the stars.

"Yeah," Jasper says with a chuckle. His wheelchair is a little ways away and he sits in a low beach chair, his legs stretched out in front of him. Edward will have to help get him into his sleeping bag too, when it's time. "We'll see if your singin' that tune when Bella makes you head out at the crack of dawn tomorrow."

"That's in about six hours," I point out.

"Oh, stop your grumblin', Bells," Jasper says. "You know you love it out here as much as we do."

There's no denyin' that.

We go quiet, watching the crackling campfire and listening to the sound of Lake Dillon gently lapping at the shore. Unlike the last time we were here, there are no secrets between us. It makes everything better, bordering on perfect.

"Remember the first night we spent out here?" I murmur, closing my eyes. I'm so sleepy, but not ready to end my last night in Dillon quite yet.

I hear Jasper's laugh and feel Edward's.

"Yeah, it took us months to convince our parents that we we're old enough to sleep under the stars," Jasper says. "Your parents were particularly against it."

"I can understand why my dad didn't want me spending the night outside with you two," I say, my voice sleepy to my own ears.

"Yeah, you poor sods and your parents who cared about your wellbeing," says Edward. I squeeze him a little tighter, reminding him he's not alone.

"Damn we were pansies," Jasper muses. "We lasted till about two in the AM, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, until you worked us all into a tizzy. Convincin' us some wild animal was lurkin' the in bushes, ready to jump us at any moment."

We all laugh at the memory. It was a terrifying night, but we kept coming back until sleepin' here wasn't scary in the slightest.

"Good thing Em came and picked us up," Jasper says. "I don't think I would have been able to swallow my pride and call my parents after all the beggin' we did, We would have been stranded out here until morning, not sleepin' a wink."

"Sleepin' over at my house was a bit like bein' out in the wild back then anyway," Edward says. Everything stars to feel like a dream. "You never knew what you'd encounter, so really I don't think that night threatens our manliness at all."

Jasper laughs at this. I would say something, but I can feel myself drifting into sleep. It's just so warm here by the lake and the fire in Edward's arms.

The boys go quiet, but I can tell by the feel of Edward's body that he ain't sleeping.

"Dude," Jasper says quietly. "You're leavin' Dillon tomorrow. Maybe for good. What happened to 'Texas forever'?"

"Well, the whole plan of you makin' millions and givin' me ten percent for no good reason and then buyin' a big chunk of land for us to get old on was obviously flawed even before the accident," Edward replies.

"Yeah," Jasper says with a sad little chuckle. "A pretty stupid plan, all in all. Still, I've never thought you'd be the one go to play college ball. Leavin' Texas to play college ball, at that."

"It's okay if you hate me a little bit," Edward says.

"Oh, I do, motherfucker. Just a little bit. Last fall it kinda felt like you stole all my dreams, but that was pretty stupid. I'm lettin' go, Ed."

I can feel Edward noddin'. There is silence again for a good long while. Edward pulls the blanket up around my shoulders, smoothing down my hair. I smile, even if this all does feel like a dream.

"I never wanted to steal anything," Edward says. "I really didn't."

"You know you deserve this, right?"

Now where have I heard that before? Ah yes, I've only been sayin' it for years. The thing is, I think Edward is finally starting to believe it.

"I know."

I smile again.

"Texas forever," Jasper murmurs.

"Texas forever," Edward repeats.

* * *

><p>Far too early, Alice comes to pick us up. We're a draggin' bunch, all bleary-eyed and yawnin'. Alice doesn't look too better herself. She wears no make up, a first for the girl who usually lines her eyes in black and paints her lips red. She even wears a pair of pajama pants with pink fluffy bunnies all over them. Edward has a good laugh at that, stopping only when Alice gives him one scary look.<p>

We get back to Edward's where his truck is all packed and ready to go. I insist on a shower before we hit the road, and try to say goodbye to our friends, but Alice and Jazz decide to wait until we're ready to go to say goodbye.

Edward and I quickly shower together despite his attempts to grope me. When we're all clean and dressed, we emerge from the bathroom to see that the number of people waiting on us in the living room has multiplied.

Alice sits with her eyes closed in Jasper's lap, holding his hand. Emmett and Charlie sit on the couch, chatting about football. I blush when I make eye contact with my father. Even if nothing happened, I was just naked in the shower with my boyfriend. How uncomfortable. Rose stands, refilling everyone's coffee mugs.

"Fuck," Edward mutters in my ear. "This ain't gonna be no easy goodbye."

And he's right, of course.

All of the huggin' and cryin' and well wishin' takes forever and almost is enough to make me want to stay right here in Dillon with the people I love. Where I'm comfortable.

Almost.

After many minutes of all this, Edward rushes me into the truck.

Everyone stands in the driveway, waving as we pull out. I keep my eyes on them until we turn a corner.

Edward takes my hand, but doesn't speak, giving me a minute.

"I feel ridiculous," I tell him as we pull on to the highway.

"But you look great," he replies with a lazy grin.

It makes me laugh, and suddenly I'm a lot more excited than I am sad. I get a good look at him – aviators, plaid shirt, slight smile, wind in his hair, sun on his face.

"I'm so in love with you it's borderin' on obscene," I say, smiling myself.

"I'm more than okay with that," he replies, taking my hand.

I turn my head, watching the familiar go by out the window. Soon it will be the unfamiliar, the unknown. And suddenly, I'm okay with that. I'm ready for this adventure, the one I never thought I would be lucky enough to have.

* * *

><p><strong>I feel like my children as all grown up and leaving me. Please review and ease my broken heart. Also let me know about hearing from Alice or anything else you'd like to see.<strong>

**Thank you and goodnight.**


	25. Freshmen Year

**Hello, hello. I've missed you very much. **

**I got all nostalgic writing E & B in college. I graduate in less than a month so I had a good old time.**

**So I have no idea how it happened but the Alice chapter turned into an Alice story. Part of it's her POV from this story but mostly it is new stuff. It's mostly complete, just needs to be looked at by a beta. When I first started writing fanfiction I promised myself if only one person wanted to read something I'll keep posting. So if one person wants to read that I'll put it up.**

**Right. Big time thank you for even reading this story right this moment. The reviews and the recommendations and the favoriting, that's just icing on the already delicious cake.**

**Thanks to Stratan.**

**I own nothing.**

* * *

><p>EPOV<p>

Despite the lessons Alice gave me regarding the sorts of people I should be expecting to meet at college, I still don't totally know what to make of the roommate. I guess from the look of his big-ass plastic framed glasses, vest, and funny lookin' hat, he's what Ali described as a hipster.

He just looks like a big old dork to me. Don't think I'll ever be able to tell the difference.

I give myself a moment to just observe him – sittin' on the floor, strugglin' to assemble a bookcase. Knowing that he'd be moving in today, I made myself scarce, and hung out with Bella before she had to go to work.

Bella moves to Denver in four days. I'm already dreading it.

CU sent me all the info 'bout this dude I'll be sharing a room with, but fuck if I can remember any of it. All I know is that he may or may not be what Alice calls a hipster and he's shit at buildin' even the simplest of things. He's super skinny with dirty blond hair and a shaggy beard.

This staring at him from the doorway thing I'm doin' is getting creepy, so I clear my throat, makin' myself known.

"Dude!" he yells, clutching his chest. I notice the trio of silver chains dangling around his neck. Fuck, we're probably never gonna be friends. "You scared the ever-living piss out of me!"

I just raise an eyebrow at him and continue to lean against the doorframe, having absolutely no idea what to say. He observes me in silence for a moment, checkin' me out the way I was a moment ago. Finally, he stands, kicking at the mess of a shelf at his feet.

"You're Edward?" he asks, extending his hand. "Right?"

"Right," I reply, shaking it. "And you are? Sorry, man. Totally forgot."

"No problem," he says with an easy smile. "Liam. From here in Boulder. You're from Texas, right? Nice boots."

I narrow my eyes, not sure if he is giving me shit or not.

"Yup, Texas," I say.

"So…" Liam says after the silence stretches and gets a little awkward. "When did you move in?"

"At the beginning of the summer. Football."

"Football? Like CU football? Damn, I'm living with a football player," he muses, grinning again.

"Yeah, guess so."

"You wouldn't want to help me put together this fucking shelf, would you?" he asks, hopelessly picking up random pieces.

"Okay," I say with a shrug.

Liam talks while I assemble. He doesn't seem to mind that I don't have much to say. I've never been a big talker, but I don't mind listening to him go on about how useless he is at "manly type stuff" and how relieved he is to finally be out of his parent's house. He's studying English Literature.

"Ah, my girlfriend is, too," I tell him, really sharing anything personal for the first time.

"The hottie in all the pictures?" he asks, gesturing towards my bulletin board. Bella put them all up, not that I'm complaining.

Hottie. Don't like that, even if it is the truth.

"That's her. Bella."

"Does she go here? It would be nice to sorta know someone in the program."

"Naw, DU. She moves in there in a couple days," I explain, tightening a few more screws.

"You know her from home? Are you high school sweethearts?" His voice gets all sugary so I throw an empty cardboard box at him. It smacks him right in the face but Liam just laughs.

"Do people call you Ed?" he asks when he recovers

"Sure."

"Eddie."

"Yeah."

"Edwina?"

I just glare at him. He laughs again. Maybe we'll get along okay. He don't seem to take much too seriously.

"I like you, Edward. We're going to be okay living here, you and me." He nods thoughtfully, and I don't respond because this conversation is getting a little weird. "Hey, you got plans tonight?"

I shake my head, no. Bella closes at the coffee shop and won't get out of there till near midnight.

"Our neighbor, Jared, is going to bring over a thirty rack later. We're planning on doing the whole power hour thing where you—"

"Take a shot of beer every minute for an hour," I finish for him, nodding. I haven't done that for a good long while. Bella is not one for the drinking games, but it seems like a good way to make new friends.

"He's bringing girls, too, not that you'd be too interested in that," he says.

"Nope, sure ain't interested in that."

"Cool. So you're in?"

"I'm in," I reply with a shrug.

* * *

><p>BPOV<p>

"Just drink it, Kate," Maggie insists, brandishing the bottle of Smirnoff Ice. "You said you wanted to break out of your little bubble. That shit tastes like candy."

I shudder as Kate follows Maggie's instructions. I'll stick to my wine.

"Careful, Kate. If all that alcohol doesn't make you sick, the sugar sure will," I warn. Maggie may have some strange desire to get our other roommate drunk for the first time, but I don't want Kate to make herself sick. That is certainly not the best way to start the college experience.

Tonight is our first night in the dorms. I miss Edward already.

"I like it," Kate declares. I smile at her. Maggie lets out some sort of whoop.

That may be the longest sentence I've ever heard her string together. She's painfully shy, wears huge glasses, and was home schooled right up until coming here.

"Glad to hear it, Katie," Maggie replies with a lazy grin. "Glad to hear it."

It's a little amazing, how well we're gettin' on after our rocky start. Kate caught Edward and I making out on my bed, his hands grippin' my butt, when she came to move in. Maggie berated Kate for hanging up a picture of Jesus. I told Maggie to back off.

But now we're having a little roommate bonding. It seems to be going well. We sit in the center of our room, in a circle on the carpet.

Kate lets out a little giggle and then looks surprised to hear such a sound coming out of her own mouth.

Her parents sure weren't happy to catch Edward and I in such a compromising position. Apparently, they are pretty conservative, even by Texas standards. I was horrified. He found the whole thing to be hilarious. I didn't like the way Kate looked at my man – that look of pure female appreciation and want – but I think I like her. Or at least I want to help her make this big transition a little easier.

I'm still not so sure about Maggie. Sometimes she reminds me of Alice, but not always in the good ways.

"You know," Maggie muses, swirling her glass of whiskey. I like that she drinks whiskey. It's something familiar. "When I first walked in here and saw you two with all your shit set up, I thought you had to be Isabella Swan from Texas."

She points at Kate as she says this, confusing us both. All we knew about each other before today were names and homes. Margaret Snow: Chicago, Illinois. Kate Harp: Anchorage, Alaska. Isabella Swan: Dillon, Texas.

"And why is that?" I ask, not knowing if I should be offended or not.

"Because of Kate's decorations. All that Christian shi— I mean stuff. I figured that whoever wanted a picture of Jesus H. Christ hanging above their bed had to be from Texas."

I shake my head at that.

"You're not a Christian, Maggie?" Kate asks. The alcohol appears to be making her brave.

Maggie snorts. "Do I look like a Christian, blondie?"

"What's a Christian look like?"

Maggie studies me with her amber eyes. She tucks a springy lock of bright red hair behind her ear and smirks.

"Touché, Swan."

The conversation is pretty basic after that. We talk about interests, what we plan to study, and why we came to DU. Around drink three for Kate and me, drink five for Maggie, things get a little more personal.

"You've got to be a virgin, huh?" Maggie asks, gesturing to a pretty drunk Kate.

Poor little sheltered Kate lets out a squeal as she turns bright red. Maggie smirks, getting some sort of sick pleasure from Kate's discomfort. I'm about to step in when Kate stops squeaking enough to answer.

"I'm saving myself for marriage," she manages.

Maggie chuckles.

"Good for you," I say. Once upon a time, I had a similar goal. Jasper convinced me to change my mind right before our junior year, sayin' that there was no point in waiting because we'd be getting married anyhow.

That really worked out. Not that I would change anything now, but young Bella was pretty damn silly.

"What about you, Swan?" Maggie asks me. "I can't seem to quite figure you out."

Kate giggles like a lunatic.

"What?" Maggie demands.

"Bella's not hard to figure out," Kate slurs.

I let out a sigh. What she walked in on earlier was certainly pretty hot and heavy. It was incredibly stupid, knowing today was move in day. Edward got all blue when he got in his truck to drive back to Boulder. "We ain't gonna have sex as much as I'm used too," he muttered. I rolled my eyes, but I understand where he's coming from. Being apart, having roommates – it's going to be difficult for both of us.

"What in the hell are you talking about, Kate?" Maggie asks. She doesn't like being out of the loop, apparently.

Kate giggles again, slumping over. Maggie scowls at me.

"Do you know what she means?" I nod. "What the hell is going on here?"

"Um…" I start, feeling ridiculously uncomfortable. "Well, when Kate and her parents walked in to move in, I was kinda… uh…"

"Holy shit, you shameless hussy!" Maggie yells, obviously delighted. "You were gettin' it on already? I haven't even met any of the boys yet. Where did you find someone so fast?"

"It's not like that," I snap, not liking her assumptions. "I was with my boyfriend. He was helpin' me move in. And we weren't doin' it. Just taking a little break, is all."

"Bella Swan!" Maggie shouts, making Kate and I both jump. "You have a boyfriend and you're just mentioning this now?"

I blush a little, although I'm not sure why.

"It didn't come up," I mumble.

Maggie smirks. I still haven't figured out her smirks, and I don't know what she means.

"That's pretty brave, if you ask me," she continues.

"Brave?" I ask, my eyes narrowing at my roommate.

"It's brave to come to college with a boyfriend. Brave bordering on stupid. If you don't see something that you prefer, then he certainly will," Maggie says. She looks down, and I see a little vulnerability in her for the first time.

She's been burned before.

I have a lot of fears for Edward and I right now – that the distance will hurt, that this life-changing experience that is college will somehow change us – but wanting someone besides Edward or Edward wanting someone beside me is definitely not one of them.

I smile knowingly, shaking my head but not saying anything. There is no need to defend my relationship to my abrasive roommate I just met several hours ago.

"Does he go here?" Kate is asking now. I thought she was out for the count, but she's just curled up on her side. She's removed those huge glasses and I notice her pretty blue eyes. They remind me of Jasper and home.

"No," I reply. "He's at CU in Boulder. There on a full scholarship to play football."

I ignore Maggie's snort, focusing instead on Kate's soft smile.

"I thought he must be some sort of athlete," Kate murmurs. "I feel funny."

Maggie lets out a laugh and tucks Kate's light blond hair behind her ear. The gesture is shockingly tender.

"So, Bella's guy is a real looker, huh? A total hottie?" Maggie asks.

"Hottie?" Kate replies, confused.

"He's attractive," Maggie clarifies.

"Oh, yes. The most attractive boy I've ever seen," Kate says.

Her honest assessment is a little startling but refreshing. I'm used to girls openly ogling him, but Kate's comment doesn't bug me like I thought it would.

"Well, I ain't gonna argue," I say, grinning when Maggie looks to me for confirmation.

Maggie abruptly stands. She takes a moment to steady herself from all the liquor before rushing over to my bulletin board. She grabs the first picture she sees before stomping on over to me.

"This blond dude?" she asks, thrusting the photo under my nose as she sits back down.

It takes a moment for my eyes to focus. I smile when I see which one she selected. The only one of the three of us together that hangs in this room. Mostly I can remember the good things about back then.

"No," I murmur, still studying the picture. The one that made its way into our yearbook junior year. Jazz has his arms around me, I'm laughing in the middle, and Edward is staring at me with that soft smile.

"That one," Kate says, sitting up slightly to get a good look before going back to the floor.

Maggie makes a sound of approval. "Total hottie. You're lucky my hair would clash with his hair or I'd definitely try to steal him."

I scowl at her.

"Relax, lady. I'm kidding. So what's with the blond dude? Why is he all up on you?"

Again, I blush.

"Oh, hot damn," she declares, smirking again. "There's definitely a story there."

I don't want to tell that story. That story makes me feel like a terrible person.

"The three of us have been best friends since we were kids," I explain with a shrug. "So what about you, Maggie? Any boys for you?"

Maggie studies me again and I can tell she's curious, but luckily she accepts my subject change.

"I'm not one for relationships anymore. I was dating this older guy, but that didn't exactly work out. That cheating bastard." Yeah, definitely not telling that story now. "But I'm so totally over it."

She's so totally not over it.

"I've never even had a crush on a real person," Kate says, sounding sleepy. "I only know boys from church, and I'm too shy to talk to them. I like some of the boys in the magazines, but my parents don't let me have those."

We're all silent for a minute. How different all our paths have been, yet we find ourselves right here in the same place anyhow.

"That's the first order of college business," Maggie decides. "We're gonna find Kate a nice guy to have a crush on."

We all fall asleep on the floor not long after. I thought my first night in the dorms would entail some big party, meeting a lot of people – most of whom I wouldn't even like.

This is better.

* * *

><p>EPOV<p>

"Dude, this is a real fucking church," Liam says, far too loudly. He trails along behind me, havin' a hard time keepin' up with my pace. It's his fault we're late. He could at least have the decency to walk a little fuckin' faster.

"Could you not fuckin' cuss?" I mutter. "This is a fuckin' church."

Liam laughs. It takes me a second to figure out why.

"I figured since it's on a Saturday night and all it would be different," he explains, lowering his voice as we get closer to the wooden doors that house the service. I hear singin'. It's a dude. If we missed Bella, I would have been forced to kill my roommate.

We enter the small room. Heads snap back in our direction. Young faces stare at us. I see Bella way up front, seated between Kate and Maggie. Maggie scowls when she sees my companion, slouching lower in her chair. Bella just gives me the smile that makes my heart feel warm, so I know it's okay that we're a tiny bit late.

Liam and I sit in the back. He looks uncomfortable, his gaze darting around. I shake my head at him, remembering how I felt the first couple times I started doin' the church thing with my lady.

I made sure Bella did this on a bye week. No football till next Saturday. I want and need to be here for this.

That's what we do for each other, show up.

Plus, I get a lot more playing time, now that I've proved what I can do, so I actually want Bella at the games, even if we lose most of them.

Coach – not coach here, but Coach Masen – says that a man can learn a lot from losing.

"I can't believe Maggie is in a church," Liam whispers in my ear as someone gets up to read from the bible. "I didn't think I had a chance of seeing her until after."

My roommate's obsession with Bella's roommate has been goin' on for a couple months, and I'm really fuckin' tired of hearing about it. I don't get Liam's attraction to Maggie the Mean or Bella's friendship with her. Bella's always befriendin' the scary ones.

Rosalie Hale, anyone?

"Probably just here for Bella," I reply, gettin' impatient with both my roommate and these church types readin' scripture instead of lettin' my lady sing.

After a painful amount of blathering, Bella is finally introduced. Everyone claps and I let out a whoop that makes the people around me laugh. Bella likes most of these people, sayin' that this is specifically for college kids service, and it's relaxed, just the way she likes.

She don't get to come to Saturday evening mass for college kids much. Only when we're away or on bye weeks like this one.

Bella studies the floor as she takes her spot, glancing toward the guitarist who nods at her to start. She wears a pretty off white dress, one of her favorites. I can tell she's terrified, but I don't think many others know her well enough to see it. Maybe the roommates.

The guitarist gives her an encouraging smile, and I want to break his instrument over his goddamn head.

Living apart from her has done nothing to curb my somewhat irrational jealousy.

But when Bella lifts her head and starts to sing, it's my eyes she seeks out. She get's comfortable after those first few words about risin' and goin' to Jesus. Then she really belts it out.

I can't stop grinnin' because she's so damn good. She holds everyone in this room enraptured.

Two other girls I didn't even notice and the guitarist join in for the chorus, but it's still Bella's voice that shines out, separate from the others.

For a few minutes, it's like I can feel her faith. I don't think I'll ever believe what she believes. Bella is definitely the closest to divine I'll ever get.

She gives me that secret smile when she finishes. Everyone is silent for a minute, probably a little stunned to hear such big sound come out of such a little person. I start the applause. She blushes and takes her seat as everyone else joins in.

Kate hugs Bella as she sits. Maggie grins and kisses Bella right on the mouth.

Yeah, definitely not Maggie's biggest fan.

Liam gets a little too excited about it so I have to punch him in the shoulder. It's an effort to remind myself that violence and church don't mix.

Good thing I have football. My own special kind of anger management.

As soon as the service ends and the forty or so worshipers are dismissed, I hustle on over to Bella.

"Don't lie," Bella says as I place both my hands on her shoulders. "Did I sound okay?"

I pretend to think about it for a moment.

"Edward!" Bella demands with a squeak, even stomping her foot a little. Damn, she might have even more nervous than I thought.

"You certainly didn't sound okay," I say. Her face falls, and for one little second I feel like an asshole. That doesn't stop me from pausing for dramatic effect. "You sounded amazing, heavenly, divine. Whatever you want to call it, it sure as hell wasn't _okay_."

Bella lets out a huff and rolls her eyes before I pull her into my chest, cradling her head between my hands. She wraps her arms around my waist, and I know I'm forgiven for my little joke.

"You always seem to be teasin' me, Edward Cullen." Her words are muffled.

"You like it," I whisper right in her ear. She shivers slightly, and suddenly being in a church is unbearable. The thought of goin' out tonight with our friends is unbearable, too.

She tilts her head, and not even the sculpture of Jesus on the cross a couple feet from us is gonna stop me from kissin' her.

Unfortunately a way too friendly voice callin' her name does.

"Bella!" I lift my head to scowl at the offensive person and Bella pulls away, turning. The fuckin' guitarist. Of fuckin' course. "That was really good. Even better than rehearsal."

Of course she fuckin' rehearsed with him. I didn't think about it until now, but I sure as hell don't like it.

"Really? Gosh, I was so nervous," Bella says, blushing once again. The guitarist looks like he's a little too fond of that blush.

"You were really, really great." He pats her goddamn shoulder, and I've had enough.

"I called her 'amazing'," I say, slipping my arm around her waist, "but 'great' works too."

The guitarist looks at me for the first time. His eyes narrow, like he's trying to work something out. He glances at my hand at her hip and the way Bella tilts her body towards me.

"Edward Cullen," I say sticking out my hand. He takes it, and I smirk because his grip is pretty fuckin' weak. There is no recognition in his eyes. At first I think this is a good thing, like they don't know each other well enough for Bella to be talkin' about private matters, but then I decide it's a very bad thing, like Bella kept me a secret.

I won't be a secret. Never again.

"Honey." And just like that, one little endearment erases my doubts. "This is Riley. Riley, my boyfriend Edward."

Riley. Stupid ass girls name. I hate Riley.

Riley still stares somewhat blankly.

"He plays football at CU, remember?" Bella asks, confused now.

"Ah, yes," Riley says, nodding now. "I'm a big fan of CU. Grew up watching them. I'm from Boulder. Our Bella here failed to mention you were her boyfriend."

Now Bella is the confused one. The uncomfortable one, too. My hand tightens on her hip.

"I don't know how that could possibly be true," Bella murmurs.

More tense silence.

"Anyway, Riley is gonna come with me to the OSU game next week," Bella says a little too brightly.

I raise an eyebrow at her. Both my game tickets always go to Bella. I don't know no one who don't already have season tickets, and I don't want her watchin' on her own. Football isn't her favorite thing, after all.

I sure as fuck don't like one of my game tickets goin' to this fucker, but I don't say so. No use in lettin' Bella know what a jealous asshole I am. Last time I hurt her feelings, like my jealousy somehow comes from a lack of faith in us rather than a hatred for the looks guys are always given her.

"Bella!" The three of us turn to look at Maggie, scowling at us from across the room, towards the exit. Liam and Kate loiter behind her. She don't look happy at all. "Can we get the fuck out of here? All this church shit is already cutting into my pre-gaming."

Riley looks uncomfortable, and I decide Maggie ain't so bad after all.

"Bye, Riley," I say, grabbing Bella's hand and pulling towards our friends. She gives him a little wave but comes with me willingly. "Nice to meet you. See you next Saturday!"

I give Bella a kiss as we walk away, just in case there's any lingering confusion over our relationship status.

* * *

><p>Maggie drags us to a house party. I want to utilize Bella's empty bedroom, but we've done that the last three times I came up for a weekend, so we go out. I know most of these people, so it's not so bad. Mostly it's kids from Bella's hall and their older friends who are able to live off campus.<p>

Even though it's a party, Bella and I find ourselves tucked into a loveseat in the corner. She has her legs are up under her, my head against her shoulder as she strokes my hair. We're close enough that we don't have to shout over the sounds of the party.

Don't know why we're even botherin' with the party.

"You met with your advisor?" Bella asks as I finish off my beer. I've lost count of the number, but I'm good and drunk and content.

"Yup," I reply.

"And? How did it go?" Bella is on a quest to find me a major. I'm good at school, but not particularly interested in it. I put in enough effort to get good enough grades to stay eligible to play. It drives Bella nuts, the way I don't apply myself. She thinks it's a matter of interest, says I'm so good at beer, football, and sex because these things actually interest me. She's convinced somethin' in the academic world will hold the same appeal.

I'm convinced she's insane, but it's easier to just go along with her than argue. She's a determined little thing, my Bella.

"She gave me all these classes to try out next semester," I mutter, not really wanting to talk about this. Again, it's easier to just get it over with. "Things she thinks I'll like based on my interests."

"You didn't tell her that you just like beer and football and sex, did you?"

I shake my head, grinning slightly at our running joke.

"Did you tell her you like music? "

I nod.

"Did you tell her you like coaching?"

I nod.

"Good," Bella says, leaning over to kiss my temple. I tilt my head and she smiles before bringing her lips to mine.

"I'm gonna take some education classes next semester," I tell her. "Isn't that crazy? My nutty advisor thinks I'm gonna like education classes."

"Studyin' to be a teacher?" Bella asks, obviously surprised. Her fingers still in my hair.

"Probably not," I reply, shrugging. "Now's the time to give it a shot, right?"

Bella still hasn't said anything. She just continues to stare at me. It makes me nervous.

"What? Do you think it's a stupid idea?" Maybe she doesn't want me to study what she's studying. Maybe she doesn't want me to steal her dreams. One word from her, and I'll never even think of education classes again. "Come on, love. I don't know that face. Can't tell what you're thinkin'."

"Sorry," she says, snapping out of her little trance. A slight smile plays around her lips. "It's just… I was picturing it. I've never thought about it before, but it's kinda perfect. You as a P.E. teacher. You as a coach."

Her words shock me. It's amazing, the way Bella thinks the best of me. Thinks so much of me that she can see me molding the minds of future generations.

Bella grins when she takes in my face. She probably knows exactly what's goin' on in my head, but instead of lecturing me on believing I deserve good things, she gives me a lingering kiss.

"It probably won't hold my attention," I murmur, staring at her perfect mouth. I love pretty much whatever that mouth is doin' – singing, talking, laughing, moaning. Wrapped around my cock. "Not like you do."

Bella giggles at this. "If school started holding your attention the way I do, we'd have a serious problem."

I smirk for a moment and then I remember Riley, so obviously desperate for her attention. It turns my mood sour.

"I think Riley is a big fan of your attention," I mutter. I hate how whiney and needy and desperate I sound. I can't help it. I'm too drunk.

Bella looks so genuinely perplexed by this. It makes me feel better.

"I don't know how he could have possibly not know you're my boyfriend, the way I gush about you. It's almost embarrassing." Her fingers move in my hair again. "Almost."

I move to kiss her. Again we are interrupted. This time by my roommate who sits on the arm of our little sofa, knocking into me.

"Look at that," he slurs, drunk as a skunk. He gestures wildly toward the dance floor where Maggie is basically humping some stranger. Beer sloshes out of his almost full plastic cup. A little gets on Bella's dress, causing her to frown. I confiscate the beer, making it mine as punishment. Liam doesn't even seem to notice that I've taken his drink.

As punishment, of course.

"Why is she doing this to me?" Liam moans, clutching his heart dramatically. Bella feels bad for him. I'm about to say that Maggie grinding with some preppy lookin' frat boy has absolutely nothin' to do with Liam, but then Maggie glances our way. Lookin' right at Liam. Makin' sure Liam is lookin' right at her.

Damn. She's playin' some kinda game with him, and I want nothin' to do with it.

"Liam," Bella says, putting a hand on his shoulder. He jumps like he didn't see her there before. "Maggie isn't nearly as tough as she pretends to be."

And who is? No one I know is nearly as tough as they pretend to be. Still, Bella makes Liam feel better.

* * *

><p>"Edward," she says, her words half groan. "Just because we snuck out of the party, don't mean my roommates won't show up at any moment."<p>

One second I'm kissing her neck and rubbing against her in the hall outside her room, the next I sweep her up into my arms, bridal style. She squeaks and giggles at her sudden change in position.

"Bedroom, then. Wouldn't want to be doin' up against this wall where anyone could see us," I declare.

And there is no way I can handle not being inside her tonight. I miss her like crazy during the week. I swear, I'll completely lose it if I can't be with her like this right now.

"Edward, poor Kate has already walked in on us once, and Maggie—"

Whatever objections she has, I silence them when I drop her on her narrow bed, covering her body with mine. My lips find those places against her neck that never fail to make her moan. She tastes so good.

I wonder if it will always be like this. I wonder if I'll always be able to set her on fire.

Fuck, I hope so.

I slip my hands under her dress.

"Edward," she says, her breathing labored. "My roommates…"

"I'll be quick then," I assure her, pulling off my shirt as I sit up. My pants are the next to go, right along with my boxers. I'm pretty good at gettin' out of them pretty quick.

I frown down at her. She's totally dressed while I'm totally naked. That just ain't even.

"Oh, the romance," Bella says with a laugh, sitting up to let me remove her dress as well. "'I'll be quick.' Just what every girl wants to hear."

I raise an eyebrow, taking her comment as a challenge of sorts. It'll be quick, but she'll have her goddamn romance. I'm going to worship her.

Slowly I lie down on top of her, pleased to see that my change of pace is already affecting her. She opens her legs, her hands gripping my hips. I smirk because despite her teasing, she's really just as desperate for me as I am her. I keep some distance between us because I know it will drive her crazy, removing her hands from my body and pinning them above her head.

Bella scowls up at me in confusion, not understanding what happened to my desperation and speed from a minute ago.

She liked it.

"Isabella," I whisper, kissing her tenderly. She whimpers and when she gazes up at me, I can see it. I can see that she loves me. "I absolutely adore you."

I then set about the business of proving it.

My lips find that elegant column of her neck as my free hand – the one not keepin' her hands manacled above her head – slowly travels down her flat belly, dipping underneath her lace panties.

Bella's panties are always damn pretty. There's no time to get a good look at them tonight. I'll have to remember to steal them so I can get a good look later when I'm all alone in Boulder and missin' her heat next to me when it's time to sleep.

My thumb on her clit and my probing fingers curled forward have her arching off the bed to get closer. She struggles against my grip. I don't let her free. This is supposed to be about her. Plus if she touches me now, I'm in real danger of embarrassing myself.

Bella and I haven't done it in two whole weeks.

So I just continue to give, refusing to take anything in return. I need to give her enough to last her till next time. I need to make it clear that I'm the one that does this to her. No one else.

"You are exquisite and perfect and mine," I murmur, my lips moving against my throat right before kissing her, slowly. I don't stop touching her, even as she moans against my lips and writhes beneath me.

Perfect indeed.

"Edward…" she manages to reply between kisses. "Yours."

Romance. Adoration. I want to rip off her meager layers of clothes – bra, panties – that are the only things separating us before pounding into her, but I don't. Instead, I lower my head to her chest, wetting the thin lace of her bra.

I try to be selfless. I try to show her how I feel about her. It seems like I have total control over her body when I finally feel her flutter around my fingers. I watch her ride out those waves. I stare down at her with love and awe. It still amazes me, the way she chose me.

She lays there, her breathing ragged. We watch each other.

"Beautiful," I say, finally letting go my grip on her wrists. I need both hands to pull her panties down her smooth legs. Immediately those little hands of hers find my cock, hard and heavy.

This is why I didn't let her touch me sooner. It feels too good, and it's been too long.

"Fuck, baby," I groan out before kissing her again.

Now a little bit of that frantic desperation from before is back. Bella sits up, yanking on the clasp of her bra.

"I want your naked chest pressed against my naked chest," she explains. I love the way she says shit like that, making the simplest statements incredibly sexy.

"I want your naked chest pressed against my naked chest, too," I reply, nipping at her ear and making her giggle.

I give us what we both want.

And then we're finally connected physically just as we are emotionally, spiritually. We just fit.

I pause, something I still do now and then. It's like I need a moment to prove to myself that it's real, that she's really here with me like this.

"I love you," she tells me, hooking her ankles behind my lower back and pulling me even deeper. Her words end my moment, and I move.

She moves.

We move.

Things are pretty quick after that, for both of us. Still, I think I pretty well proved that I adore her. She proved that she adores me, too.

"There's some romance for you," I mutter, smirking at Bella as she lies curled into my side. "Best I could do without flowers and candy and shit."

I close my eyes, the booze and the physical exertion catching up to me.

"I much prefer _that _to flowers and candy and shit." I grin because when she says stuff like that, it's just so apparent we're on the same page.

Bella kisses my shoulder before slipping out of bed.

"My roommates," she reminds me, silencing my protests before they even really start. She pulls on my plaid shirt, connecting the snaps before she tosses me my boxers. I wiggle into them and then let myself drift as Bella runs off to the bathroom.

I'm mostly asleep when she returns, but I gravitate towards her anyway, pulling her closer. These tiny dorm beds basically demand spooning, and I'm more than okay with that.

It seems like the very moment Bella settles, the roommates get back. Someone flips on the overhead light. Maggie cusses at them for being inconsiderate and it gets switched off again. I open one eye, surprised to see three more bodies in the room instead of two.

Liam.

How the fuck did he pull that off? He was plannin' on catching a bus back to Boulder.

If he has sex with Maggie while we're all in here, I really might have to cock block for the first time in my life.

My fears are unfounded and I watch with sleepy amusement as Maggie flops face down into her mattress and doesn't move again. She didn't even bother to kick off her shoes. Liam just stares at her as Kate gets ready for bed and tucks herself in. I drift off just as Liam crawls in next to Maggie, removing one boot and then the other.

When the hell did my life turn into one big sleepover?

Football at CU sure is different.

Firstly, we kinda suck. Colorado is a pretty nobody program, and I knew that coming in. We have some solid players, we just can't seem to win many games. It's a big adjustment, not being the best. Just as my team isn't the best anymore, I'm not the best either. Pretty damn good, but not the best.

Another thing is the fans. They sure do love us, even without the winning. They don't live and breathe football like they do in Dillon, but that don't matter much. Folsom Field is huge, and we fill it up every home game, win or lose.

Bella is always out there, part of the crowd. Today it's with that asshole guitarist Regina, or whatever the fuck his name is. I put all that hate to good use on the field, but my aggression and my two sneaky touchdowns ain't nowhere near enough.

Ohio State creams us, as expected.

The school started showing interest in Jazz our junior year. I wonder if he watched that today. I wonder what he thinks about me being a part of a team that just can't seem to win.

Frankly, it doesn't seem to bother many of the guys much. Sure, they get pissed and frustrated, but come tonight, they'll recover with the help of drink and women. There is no stewing or brooding or self-loathing.

"We'll get 'um next time," says Garrett, my best friend on the team, after every game.

Rarely do we ever get them next time.

* * *

><p>By the time the season ends – around the same time the semester ends – I'm not totally convinced if this new life is for me. I don't think much of anything is gonna get me excited like goin' the State with the Panthers. That might have been the high of football for me.<p>

I'm workin' on being okay with that.

When Bella has finals, and I don't see her for a couple weeks, I seriously consider givin' up on this whole college thing.

It doesn't really make me happy. It doesn't make me unhappy either, but I don't really love it like Bella seems to. There's good people I like here. Shitty people, too. Classes are boring and books are expensive.

But really, the one thing that has ever made me happy, really truly happy in the long run, is Bella. And she sure as hell wouldn't like me droppin' out and givin' up. This college thing is Bella's dream for me. It will have to do until I can figure out my own dream for the future.

Seems silly, to just throw away a free ride to a college degree without a back up plan for no good reason. Because logically, I don't have good reasons, just a general feeling of discontentment.

The only thing I'm certain of is Bella. She's my future, and I wouldn't jeopardize that future by giving up on college only one semester in.

We go home for Christmas and bein' in Dillon makes me feel better. . I love this town. This is my home. These are my streets and my hills and my people. Just about the only thing I would be willing to leave my home for is my relationship with Bella.

She would hate it, if she knew all this was running through my head.

Still, winter break is good for me. I spend all my time with Bella and see a lot of the people that became my family in my last year in Dillon. I watch the Panthers lose State from the stands. Rosalie and Emmett get engaged, not shocking anyone. Mr. Swan, Coach, and I go hunting.

The only one I share any of my true feelings with in regards to college is Jazz. He gets it. We both feel like we're just existing, purposeless. I know it's different, harder for Jazz. He still wants what I now have. I don't having a fucking clue what I want.

Alice and Jazz broke up when she left for New York. Jazz didn't want to hold her back. Alice thought the distance would kill them both. Still, she spends most of her nights over break at Jazz's place.

That don't make things any easier for my best friend.

We do a little talkin' about it, but mostly we just drink.

Leaving after the New Year is hard, even though I try to muster up some enthusiasm for Bella's sake. She's so ready to get back to Colorado, back to her new life. I can tell by the way she watches me that she knows something ain't right in my head. She doesn't ask, and I don't tell.

* * *

><p>BPOV<p>

"So, I should be in Boulder by five tonight?" I say, rushing around my dorm room to make sure I have everything I need for the day.

"That's okay, I guess," Edward mumbles into the phone. It's too early for him, but I've got a full day, and I won't have time to call him later.

"Okay?" I ask as I pull my door closed behind me and set off down the hall. Usually Edward is much more excited to see me. I know it's been particularly hard for him, us livin' in different cities. It's hard for me too, but I manage to stay incredibly busy between school and work and extracurriculars. Without football, Edward has too much time on his hands.

I want him to get involved, to get passionate about something, but I don't want to be the pushy girlfriend. Plus, it's Edward. He'll do it in his own time if it's right for him, whatever _it_ is.

I'm not sure what's going on with him, but something ain't right. I hope it's just missing me, but I really don't know, and I'm too scared to bring it up. Life is a little too good right now, and I don't want to ruin it.

"Yeah, I've got this thing at six, but you'll be okay on your own for an hour or so, right? You'll read a book or something in my room?"

"A thing?" I ask, totally baffled.

"Yeah."

I sigh because this is Edward. Of course he won't just spit it out.

"What's the thing?" I ask, attempting not to sound pushy.

"A football thing."

"I thought there are no more football things for a while yet." I walk across campus, trying not to be frustrated with him. I don't really have time to get into this right now but I gotta know.

"Yeah, that's true. This isn't a CU football thing."

"Lordy, Edward. Just what exactly are you doing tonight?" I demand as I reach my first class and loiter outside the building.

Edward chuckles at me, finding some sick pleasure in my annoyance.

"It's a Pee Wee thing. I'm thinking about coaching little kids at the Y," he finally says. I can here the nerves in his tone, almost embarrassment. Immediately, all irritation leaves me because that's just so perfect.

"Wow, baby, that's great. Really great." I've never seen Edward interact with little kids before, but something tells me he'll be damn good at it.

"You think? I don't really know. I mean, would you want your kids supervised and instructed by the likes of me?" he asks quietly.

I pause for a moment, letting the full implications of his words hit me. When he says your kids, I think our kids. That's probably a conversation we should have at some point. Now is not the time.

"Yes, Edward," I tell him, talking softly, earnestly. The way he still has these doubts is somehow heart breaking and endearing at the same time. "I can't think of anyone better."

"I'll see you soon."

"Bye, honey."

* * *

><p>My eyes flicker open with the sound of Edward's door. I smile sleepily, but don't have the energy to lift my head from his soft pillow even as he approaches.<p>

That was a good nap I just had.

"Aw, Swan," he says, chuckling slightly. His fingers touch my face and I sigh. "You can't be out for the count already. I've only spent an hour with you this whole week. It's memory-makin' time."

"I'm not out for the count," I say. Unfortunately I yawn widely, making Edward laugh. "I'm resting my eyes."

"And what pretty eyes they are," he says. "I brought dinner."

He holds up a bag of takeout, givin' me this proud grin.

"Oh, bless you," I say, finally managing to sit up as I take the bag from him. Opening it, I get a good whiff. Thai. Wonderful.

"And this," he continues, waggling a bottle of wine in my face. I squeak in joy and actually clap my hands together.

"And another thing." Ben & Jerry's, Phish Food. The best one.

With this gift, I pretend to faint.

"Wait, hold on," he says.

"There's more?" I ask, completely shocked.

"Here." He hands me a single flower – a yellow tulip. It makes my heart swell, how he does little things like this. And he claims he's not a romantic.

"You perfect, wonderful man," I murmur, smelling the flower. "You are so gettin' lucky tonight."

All this has nothing to do with that fact really. We both get lucky pretty much any chance we get. Having a moment alone together has been so rare this year.

Edward puts the ice cream in his little freezer. I put the flower in a water bottle, placing it on the shelf under the window.

We situate ourselves, facing each other on the futon that sits under Liam's lofted bed. Edward starts with the green curry, me with the pad Thai. Each of us has a red plastic cup full of wine, sitting on the floor.

"So," I say once we get settled. "How was the meeting?"

Edward just shrugs, his mouth too full to speak. I roll my eyes and pop a piece of chicken into my mouth as I wait.

"Good," he says after long moments of chewing.

"Are you gonna do it?"

"Yeah."

"Are you going to give me a single detail at all?" I ask, frustrated. Edward laughs, grabs my hand, and kisses my palm. I fight my smile.

"It's spring league, so I'll have enough time to be an assistant coach. Touch football. I'll be workin' with a group of third graders," he says. "Practice and such will start at the end of the month and will go till May. Garrett's gonna help out too."

He's excited about it. I can tell.

"Edward, that's so perfect," I gush. "Aw, it's gonna be so cute. I'm so excited for your first game."

The shy smile that spreads on Edward's face is rare and one of my favorites.

"I love you," he tells me. I don't exactly know what's goin' on in that head of his, but I lean over and kiss him anyway. "Switch me," he says as I pull away.

We swap dishes and Edward pours himself another drink before he asks me about my day. There's not much to tell, but I give him the details – complain about Maggie's mess, talk about how much I love my Comparative Lit class, the usual. Edward actually talks at length about one of his classes, School and Society, something he's not done once so far in college without me asking a million little questions.

It's makin' him think, gettin' him interested.

"Why are you grinnin' at me?" Edward asks, eyes narrowed.

"No reason," I say, trying to casual.

"Out with it, Swan," he insists.

"It's just…" I choose my words carefully, not wanting to offend him. To me this is proof that he is actually getting something out of college, that he doesn't totally hate his life here. "I'm glad you like one of your classes, is all."

He stares at me in suspicion.

"Switch me," I say, mostly to distract him. It works, and conversation continues as we finish dinner. After throwing away all the packaging, I turn off the overhead and light a few candles. Snuggled up on the futon, we finish the wine.

"So, where's Liam?" Edward asks, rubbing the back of my neck with one hand and my thigh with the other.

"Not here," I ask, voice low and husky. I scoot closer to him.

"Do you have any idea how long he won't be here?" Edward asks, his lips so close to mine I can feel his breath. I close my eyes and shiver slightly in anticipation.

"Tomorrow morning," I whisper, aching for him to kiss me. I open one eye to see what the hold up is.

"And how exactly did you manage that?" he asks,

"Well… about that. I had to bribe him to sleep on Garrett's couch. We're goin' to a poetry reading with him tomorrow night," I say, knowing that he won't like it.

"Shit, Bella."

"Are you tellin' me a night alone isn't worth a couple hours of poetry?" I demand, crossing my arms over my chest and scowling at him.

Edward laughs. "Well, when you put it like that…" He kisses me, and I try to remain unresponsive for a moment to prove my point, but it's useless.

Resisting him has always been useless. I wouldn't want it any other way.

* * *

><p>"I can't even handle this. Seriously, it's too much for me," I say, pacing around behind Kate, Maggie, and Liam where they lounge in camp chairs.<p>

"Now, what exactly can't you handle?" Maggie asks, studying her blood red nails. "That this is a terrifying glimpse into your future or that Edward's team is up by three with two minutes left to play and has a slim chance of losing this so called championship game?"

It's the last game of the season. Finals ended three days ago for us, a week ago for Edward. Tomorrow, Edward and I will pack on and leave to visit Dillon for the next three weeks before he has to be back for football and I have to be back for work.

"I think this is a nice future," Kate says, sipping on a Diet Coke. "Bella would be a great mom. I can just see her carting around kids to football practice and stuff."

Maggie snorts and I try to ignore them, my eyes focused on the field where Edward is crouched down in a huddle of 3rd graders. It is seriously one of the most adorable things I've ever seen. It makes my heart go wonky.

"You are a terrible feminist, Katie," Maggie says with a sigh. "Seriously, if all women thought like you, we still wouldn't have the right to vote. Hey, when are you gonna confess your love for Garrett, huh? What's the point of having a crush if you won't even talk to him?"

"I'm not a feminist," Kate says. I smile at her offense.

"Obviously."

"And he doesn't even know my name," Kate continues. I bite my tongue. There is no point in telling her for the thousandth time that Garrett's a nice guy, not your typical football player.

"Just because Bella wants kids and a life with Edward, doesn't mean she's insulting your lady sensibilities," Liam says, slouched down so far in his chair that I can only see the top of his head. Kate smiles at him gratefully, glad for a change in subject. "Shit like that gives feminists a bad rap for being all anti-family and shit."

Edward pats the little QB on the helmet and they say a little chant. The team trots onto the field on their tiny little legs, it taking longer than it should for all the kids to get lined up.

"Fuck off, Liam," Maggie say, kicking at his legs. "What would you know about feminism?"

Maggie calls Liam her "fuck buddy." It's not going to end well. Not at all.

"Maggie, I was just showing you all the notes from my Women's Studies class yesterday," Liam says, sounding completely non-bothered by the whole conversation. It drives Maggie insane, the way that no matter what she does, she can't seem to upset Liam.

"Fuck off, Liam!" She kicks him with more force this time. I shush them both and we all watch the last plays as the seconds tick away. Edward's team – named the Panthers by the players who love Edward's tale from state – win, making them league champions. I scream and cheer with the rest of the parents on the sidelines.

I watch Edward fall to his knees and gather all the little players in a group hug. He is yelling stuff and grinning and again, my heart goes wonky. Garrett dumps a water bottle on Edward's head because there's no Gatorade. A bunch of little kids follow suit.

"Fuck, Bella," Maggie says, shaking her head. "That rabid look on your face is freaking me out. I am genuinely worried that you're going to rush over to Edward and demand he impregnate you on the spot."

I roll my eyes but don't say anything. Her words are shamefully accurate, and I don't want to think about all that now.

"I'd have your babies, Mags," Liam says casually as he stands up and stretches his arms over his head.

"Fuck off, Liam," she hisses. This time when she kicks out, Liam snags her foot. He laughs as she struggles to free herself. Maggie ends up in the grass. She then progresses to chase Liam in the direction of the playground.

"Maggie is such a fool, Bella," Kate says in that quiet, calm way of hers. The three of us are a good balance and I'm glad we're getting apartment a couple blocks of campus next year. "I think you and Edward would make really pretty babies."

I laugh and help her gather all of our things. "Everyone is getting way ahead of things here," I tell her. "We definitely won't be doin' any of that for a good long while."

I glance up at Edward, instructing the boys to line up and do the whole good game thing with the other team. We would make pretty babies.

"Plus, with Maggie and Liam, it's like we already have a whole houseful of kids running around."

* * *

><p>"<em>On the road again…"<em>

"Edward." I groan, pulling a blanket firmly over my head.

"_Can't wait to get on the road again…" _ The blanket is forcibly removed from my body, as is the pillow. There is nothing left for me to stifle the horribly loud screeching that only serves to increase the pounding of my head.

"_I don't know any more words in this song, but we've gotta get on that road again. Oh, my pour drunky girlfriend, get up. On the road again…"_

Edward continues to sing and I continue to groan. My head is sure to explode if I open my eyes. After a whole lot of purposefully terrible singing, Edward finally gives up and crawls into bed next to me. I whimper as he wraps his arms around me and pulls me into a sitting position. He gently strokes my hair and I hide my face in his chest.

"Oh, baby," Edward says, voice low and soothing now. "What exactly got into you last night?"

Maggie wouldn't leave me alone about being a disgrace to modern women everywhere.

Kate kept goin' on about our future pretty babies instead of talking to Garrett.

We are going to Dillon today where my lonely, pathetic father lives and where my mother isn't. Where Rosalie is a step away from marrying Emmett. Where Alice and Jasper are not together anymore but will love each other and fight like they are.

We are going home. And every time we go home, I get scared that Edward won't want to come back.

It's my biggest fear, that he isn't really happy here; that he doesn't really like college; that he just wants to be back in his town.

But I don't tell him any of that.

"Finals were really stressful," I mutter. "I was letting loose."

"Well, not that I didn't enjoy it," he says, dropping a kiss to my forehead. "But I don't like you hurtin', and we really do have to hit the road."

More groaning. Probably from me.

Edward gives me a few more minutes, silently rocking me and kissing my temple.

"Bella," he whispers.

"Hum?"

"I think we have a real problem here," he murmurs.

"What's that?" I have yet to open my eyes.

"Bein' this near to you, smelling you… we'll I think it's getting me drunk again. Too drunk to drive. And coming from me, that's sayin' a lot."

He has a good laugh at that one, motivating me to get out of bed and drag myself into Edward's new shower. He and Liam only moved in a week ago, so it shouldn't be too disgusting.

When I emerge – hair clean, teeth brushed – Edward hands me several painkillers and a bottle of water.

And with that we are on our way, home to Dillon.

* * *

><p><strong>Review? Maybe? Please?<strong>

**Right now the plan is to do a chapter for each year in college plus a distant future chapter and that will be it. 4 most updates (probably) and that's it, baby. Damn, it's been a fun ride.**

**Let me know about Alice!**


	26. Sophomore Year

**Hi there! Thank you thank you thank you for all the reviews.**

**I'm quite fond of this chapter. I hope you like it too.**

**So I'm a college graduate. Reviews are the best kind of presents. **

**Alice's story, _All The Pretty Lights _is up. Check it out if you feel so inclined. I'm updating everyday just about so that's always fun.**

**Nothin' belongs to me except degrees in history and ethnic studies.**

* * *

><p>My favorite mornings are waking up next to Edward. Or, more accurately, being woken up by Edward. I never can tell if it's real or a dream. Like right now, I can't tell if the warm lips against my neck and the fingertips against my spine are real. It makes me feel fuzzy and warm and light.<p>

"Am I awake?" I murmur, pushing myself backward into Edward's solid body.

"Does it matter?"

Good point.

His breath is hot against my ear. It makes me whimper. His big hand moves over my naked stomach, pulling me flush against him. His hold is tight but I still manage to grind myself into him. It's his turn to whimper now.

The sleepy haze in my brain is replaced by a new kind of fog as Edward's teeth scrape against my collarbone and his hand finds my secret places, touching me in that way that makes me feel so good it almost hurts. My hips move in jerky little circles as I rock against his hand and his hardness.

There are definitely positives to falling asleep naked.

"Edward." The sound is more groan than word, but he understands. He knows exactly what he does to me.

I continue to writhe against him and his free comes up to squeeze my breast. Arching my back into him, I cover his hand with my own just because I need something to hold on to.

"Fuck, you're beautiful," he mutters in my ear. I crane my neck, finding his lips. The kiss is heady, makes my heart get stuck in my throat. This combined with all his other body parts moving has me unraveling.

Even as that divine pleasure electrifies every nerve ending, I tug on his shoulders until he's there in between my legs. In the last few years with Edward I've gotten way more sexually confident than I ever thought possible, but my favorite is still with his body covering mine. I like his solid weight on top of me.

I open my eyes for the first time this morning just as he slides in to my, my name on his lips.

"I love you," I murmur, touching his face. There is a little furrow of concentration between his brows, but the corner of his mouth twitches up into a half smile. Half of my smile.

He rocks against me, slow at first. My hands travel down his back until I'm grasping at his ass, pulling him deeper. He kisses my chest, moving slow and steady.

"Harder," I say, scraping my teeth against his ear. "More," I insist.

Edward groans and does as I say, giving me all of him – frantic and furious and perfect. My toes curl. My fingers dig in to his hips.

"Oh, _oh._"

I want to watch. I want to keep my eyes on his face because there is nothing quite so beautiful as him in this moment. But then I can't think or want or need anything. I can only feel.

Supreme joy.

Love for this man.

He collapses on top of me, his head against my neck, and it seems like we melt into the mattress. I run my fingers through the hair at the back of his head, and decide this is a good time to fall back asleep.

But then Edward shifts, moving off of me. I try not to pout.

"Goin' back to sleep, Swan?" he murmurs, pushing my hair off my sweat-dampened forehead.

"Thinkin' about it," I reply. "That was quite the wake up. We are so good at that."

Edward laughs and kisses my nose. "Well, we've had two years of practice at this point," he says before getting out of bed.

"Edward," I whine.

"Football day, baby," he reminds me, moving to the bathroom connected to his room.

I groan, burying my face in a pillow. Now that Edward is out of bed I'm cold.

"Stupid football," I grumble. "I hate the damn sport."

I hear Edward chuckle as he moves around the room, getting ready to go meet the team before the game this afternoon.

"Suck it up, Swan," he says, sitting on the bed next to me. "Attending games is your lot in life."

"I don't know what kind of girl you think I am, but you leavin' me all alone in bed right after something like that just ain't right," I say, continuing to pout.

"I'd think you'd be used to bein' a wanton women at this point."

I just scowl at him. Edward lets out a chuckle, and moves to hug me. I push my nose in to his chest, perfectly content.

"I don't particularly like leavin' you either," he murmurs. "But I gotta."

"I know."

"Rocky Mountain Showdown," he says, bouncing his leg slightly. He's pumping himself up in his head, as he does before most games. "First game of the season."

"Go Buffs!" I yell.

Edward kisses me quickly before standing and moving towards the door. "You best get on the bus soon," he instructs. I smile because me being there is important to him, even if he doesn't admit it often. "A whole lot of people are goin' to be travelling to Denver."

"I know," I say. The first game of the season is always against Colorado State University and is played at Mile High. It's a nice little rivalry game on an NFL field and one of Edward's favorites of the season.

Probably because they usually win.

"And kick off is at one thirty. Last time you were late you missed me makin' that TD," he says.

"I know, I know," I say, marveling at his lecturing.

"And don't forget to bring Liam. He always sleeps through his alarm. Left to his own devices he won't even be awake until after the game is over," Edward continues.

"Edward," I say, laughing. "Go! I will be there with the usual pack of crazy people. You're gonna miss your own game. That sure ain't gonna help you win."

"I'll see you after. Wait for me."

And then he's gone.

* * *

><p>"So you're saying your good friend from home had to drop out of art school because she's having a baby with your paralyzed ex-boyfriend who just so happens to be the best friend of your current boyfriend and local football star?" Liam clarifies.<p>

We're seated incredibly early because of Edward's insistence. Liam and Maggie are already pretty hammered from all the pre gaming going on around the stadium. CU and CSU are only about an hour apart so a lot of people know members of the opposition and it makes for quite the party atmosphere.

Probably a good thing we came in early. At least in here there is a limit to how much more they can drink.

"That is exactly what I'm saying," I reply. Kate rolls her eyes and props her feet up on a railing in front of us. People start to trickle in.

"And you're thinking about studying abroad next semester in France?" Liam continues.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Kate asks.

"Yes! Fuck, Liam. Stop being such an idiot. This is like the fourth time she's explained it to you. I thought you were supposed to be fucking smart or something," Maggie says.

"Come 'ere," Liam says, gesturing with his fingers and giving her a come hither look. Maggie looks suspicious for a moment than leans closer. Liam grabs her head and they proceed to make out.

I sigh and look at Kate.

"They're no worse than you and Edward," she says, making me blush.

"I refuse to believe that," I say.

"Well, at least you and Edward are committed to each other. You have that going for you," she says.

"Thank you, Kate."

"And I think it's great you're working on going to Paris for a semester," Kate continues. "It's cool. And brave. Living in a foreign place like that."

"Well, I don't know about that. I just hope it works out. It will be hard to be away from Edward," I say.

"It will be fine. You guys love each other," she says.

"That we do."

And I know that. I do know that. The strength of that love is the main reason I'm even considering study abroad. Still, that doesn't mean that it won't be hard. Just being a city away from him is extremely difficult. Sometimes a whole damn ocean separating us seems impossible, but if I don't do it now, I'm never going to do it at all.

I really do want to go. I've always really wanted to go.

* * *

><p>"Bella, he's fine." Kate pulls gently on my wrists but I need one more little moment to hide my eyes.<p>

"Seriously, you're a goddamn baby. If he didn't fall down a couple times a game he wouldn't be doing it right," Maggie says.

"That was more getting crushed than falling down, Mag," Liam puts in. "That was a pretty brutal hit."

"Whatever. Football isn't for the weak hearted."

Apparently I am the weak hearted. I remove my hands from my face so I can scowl at her properly. I'm still not very good at watching football. It's been almost two years since Jasper's accident, but I still dream about it sometimes. Especially before Edward plays.

"Leave me alone, Maggie," I snap. "I'm allowed to be a little bit worried about the man I love. Really terrible accidents do happen, you know!"

She looks ashamed, probably remembering my stories about Jazz, but doesn't apologize. It takes an awful lot to get an apology out of Maggie. When she melted the arm of our couch with the iron all she said was "oops."

I watch Edward jump in place in the huddle, shaking his arm. It must be his shoulder. He's always had problems with it, not that he would ever complain. His winces tell me all I need to know, and I'm now extra careful to avoid that right shoulder, especially after games.

"At least they've wrapped this one up pretty nicely," Liam says. He plays with the ends of Maggie's hair and I'm a little surprised she lets him. "Up by twenty with less than two minutes left, not so bad."

I nod, but continue to focus on Edward. That last hit sure was a big one.

"We should go," Maggie says. "Getting on the light rail is going to be enough of a bitch as it is. We can at least beat the masses."

"I thought we were going to wait for Edward?" Liam asks, looking at me.

"I don't want to wait for Edward." Maggie is now in whinny drunk mode. I would rather Liam just take her away.

"It's fine. I'll wait."

"I'll stay with you," Kate says. I smile gratefully. It's going to be awhile before Edward emerges.

* * *

><p>Kate and I end up at a nearby bar in Lodo. Freshmen year Edward made sure everyone connected with him was equipped with fake IDs, including Kate. She still gets nervous about it, but here in Denver they are less intense about it than they are in Boulder so she does okay.<p>

The bar is already crowed, mostly with people coming from the game it looks like. We manage to find a spot tucked away in a corner where we can sip our wine and actually carry on a conversation.

"So it was a good game," Kate says.

"It was."

"Edward scored two touchdowns."

"I know." I smile a little because Kate is incapable of just jumping right in. She has to make small talk before finally mounting the courage to say what's really on her mind.

"And I'm sure his shoulder will be fine," she continues.

I nod and wait for her to get to it.

"So… Garrett played pretty well tonight too, don't you think?" I have to bite my lip to keep from giggling. She's working so hard to stay casual, as if I haven't known for months that she has a crush on Edward's football playing friend.

"You should tell him that the next time you see him," I say, sipping my wine.

"Oh that's not I meant. I couldn't possibly… He doesn't even know who I am," she stutters.

"He does so. He calls you Alaska. Maybe he would have a better time remembering you if you actually talked to him and didn't run off every time he's within five feet of you," I point out.

"I don't do that."

"Yes, you do." I don't say anything else because we've had this argument about a hundred times.

"I'm going to get another drink," Kate says, standing abruptly. "Do you want another drink?"

I nod and watch her leave with wide eyes. She seems upset. When she returns a few minutes later I can tell she's working hard to be her normal self. She talks somewhat non-stop about the weather first – unseasonably warm, especially in comparison to Anchorage – and church second – my presence next weekend is mandatory, she already checked and knows Edward has an away game.

I keep trying to ask if she's all right but she won't let me get a word in edge wise. She doesn't seem to breath until my phone lights up on the table between us, interrupting her.

"Hey, baby." I talk loudly into the phone so he can hear me.

"Where you at?" he replies. I can tell by the joy in his voice that he's elated, flying high off victory.

"Some bar. It's not far. We'll come meet you."

"We'll be at the light rail."

It's not until we approach the station that I really start thinking about who "we" could be. By then it's too late. We round a corner to see Edward and Garrett laughing about something. I feel Kate stiffen next to me. I give her a sympathetic look but she just glares at me. This seems like a good sign. Mad is better than terrified. Maybe those two glasses of wine are making her brave.

"Hey," Edward calls when he sees us approaching. I forget to pay any attention to Kate and Garrett when he looks at me like that. That smile is just for me.

"Hi," I say, smiling back. I wrap my arms around his waist and tilt my face towards his when I get close enough. A little sign of contentment escapes me when he gives me a chaste kiss. He holds me with just his left arm so I know his shoulder's bugging him. I'll ice it later, but now I know Edward is gonna want to celebrate sweet victory.

"Good game," I murmur. "We were pretty late gettin' there so tell me, was it just the one touchdown you scored? In the middle of the third?"

Edward frowns for a minute before rolling his eyes. "That's funny, Swan. Real funny. You're a right comedian, you are."

I laugh and cuddle into his side before looking at Garrett.

"Hey there," I greet.

"Bella," he says, nodding.

"You remember my roommate, Kate?" I say. He turns his head to look at the girl in question. For a moment I think Kate is going to be sick or faint or something, but then she stands tall and actually manages a smile.

"Yeah," Garrett says, nodding and smiling back. "Hey, Kate. Good to see you."

"Hi," she replies, not even squeaking at all. "You played a great game. Especially that run near the end of the third. No one could touch you."

I cover my mouth with my hand in an attempt to hide my shock.

"Wow, thanks," Garrett says, grinning. "I'm something of the star player. The very best guy out there, I have to say."

Kate actually giggles. Edward smacks Garrett in the shoulder.

"Okay, okay, so I'm kidding. Mostly."

"So what are we doin' tonight, Swan?" Edward asks.

"That's really up to you, champ. Winners choice," I reply. "Don't you want to go back to Boulder and bask in your victory?"

Edward winces. Garrett shakes his head.

"It's nice to get away from all that sometimes," Garrett says. "I know Edward's too nice to say anything, but most of the guys on the team kinda suck. Who wants to be around that?"

Edward is definitely not too nice to say anything. In fact he's said quiet a few things. Edward has yet to find the brotherhood and closeness he felt with the Panthers. It's one of the things that makes me scared that he's going to give it up.

"Well, in that case we'll have to get you two to a DU party," I reply, pulling Edward closer to the platform when I see an approaching train. "Some where nobody recognizes those famous faces."

* * *

><p>We end up at a party with people I mostly know from church. And I don't know if this is the way things are everywhere, but here at DU the craziest partiers are often the people who love Jesus the most. Couldn't tell you why that is but it makes for a party wild enough for Edward and Garrett.<p>

Riley finds me not long after we arrive, right around the time I lose track of Edward. This is probably no coincidence. Edward has been certain for months that my church friend has a little crush on me – Edward used much different language – but I didn't agree until recently.

Not that it matters.

"Hey, Bella," he greets.

"Riley," I reply. "Did you make it to the game?"

"Sure did. I went with my dad. It's one of our little traditions," he says.

"That's real nice. When do you leave?"

Riley is taking this semester off to go on a mission trip to Colombia. I was shocked and somewhat jealous when he told me. His decision to live abroad for awhile combined with Alice's unexpected pregnancy both got me thinkin' a lot this summer. It's part of the reason I'm thinking about study abroad for next semester.

"Next Sunday," he says, grinning. "I'm nervous."

"Yeah, it'll probably be pretty overwhelming at first. But then your gonna love it," I say.

"Thanks, Bella." That smile is a little too warm and there is really no reason for him to be touching my elbow. I clear my throat and take a step back. He looks at the ground, embarrassed.

Stuff like this is why we never really became friends, despite singin' together in church.

"I'm havin' a little going away party Friday night, if your interested," he says. "Feel free to bring your boyfriend."

"Thanks, Riley," I reply. "But I think I'm actually gonna be up in Boulder that weekend."

He looks disappointed and I'm not at all sorry when Maggie finds me. How she even made it to this party when she started drinkin' twelve hours ago is a mystery.

"Bella!" she says, leaning heavily against me. Her curly hair gets in my mouth. I sputter as I gather her hair and move it out of my face. "Get lost, bible thumper," she says, glaring at Riley. I sigh and try to look apologetic. "Unless you want to hear me talk to Bella all about that guy's dick, then feel free to stick around."

Riley scuttles away.

"We're not really going to talk about Liam's you know what, are we?" I ask. "What else could you possibly have to tell me about it?"

Maggie laughs, stumbling against me. I have to wrap my arms around her waist to keep up both upright.

Finally I find Edward in the kitchen. He's with a couple guys from church and Garrett. All have shot glasses raised and they make a toast before drinking. Then they do it again. He spots me across the crowed room where I'm trying to ignore Maggie's talk about Liam's anatomy. We make eye contact and Edward nods towards the back deck. It takes me a minute of navigating and I have to hand Maggie over to Liam, but I do make it to him.

There are a couple people I don't know at the far end of the deck smoking, but I ignore them as I let Edward push me against the side of the house.

"Hey there," he says, one hand on my hip and one hand against the side of my neck.

"Hi," I reply, surprised by the slight slur in my voice. Edward just grins

"I needed a moment with my lady," he murmurs, resting his forehead against my forehead. "You're friends might be crazier than my friends."

"Let's call it a tie."

"Okay," he says, still talking quietly. His sloppy drunken smile makes my heart melt.

"I love you."

"I love you back."

"Are you sure?" I ask, surprising us both.

"Yeah, pretty fuckin' sure."

"You won't hate me if I go to France?" I hate myself for bringing this up right now. There's too much alcohol to be sensible.

"I won't hate you ever," he replies, thumb tracing my jaw.

"I don't know what I'd do, if you hated me," I whisper.

"Bella…"

"I'm sorry. I don't know what's in my head, bringin' this up right now," I say, trying to squelch the ridiculous urge to cry. "I just want you to be happy."

"You love me, we just beat CSU," he replies smiling again. "How could I not be happy?"

I don't mean right in this moment kinda happy. I mean longer term happy, but I don't say anything. I haven't been saying anything since these fears of mine started creeping in on me last semester.

Instead I just slip my hands under his Panthers t-shirt, feeling the warm smooth contours of his back. He shivers slightly beneath my hands. "Cold?" I ask him.

He just shakes his head once before he kisses me. Kisses me and kisses me and kisses me. I would be perfectly happy to just kiss him like this for the rest of forever, but Garrett ruins my dreams.

"Hey, lovebirds," he shouts, sticking his head out the sliding glass door next to us. "It's your turn."

"For what now?" Edward asks, scowling at his friend.

"Beer pong," Garrett says. "You guys signed up, right?"

I'm about to tell him no we most certainly did not when I see Kate's head pop out next to Garrett's. She looks at me pleadingly.

"Aw, fuck," Edward mutters as I drag him inside.

* * *

><p>"Oh my God," I whisper, staring at nothing in my shock.<p>

"Bella—"

"Oh my God!" I yell this time, tossing my phone away and leaping up to pace around my bedroom.

"Now, Bella," Edward says, sitting on the end of my bed. "Just calm down. It's gonna be—"

"Don't you do that," I shout, rounding on him. I wave my finger in his face and continue to freak out. "I can hear it in your voice. You doin' that thing you do where you try to placate me. Where you try to calm me down. I don't need to be calm. I'm perfectly fine with freaking out right now!"

Edward winces, his hand going to his hair as he watches me pace.

"We leave for Dillon tomorrow!" I yell.

"I know, baby, I know it."

"Is a little notice too much to ask for!"

"Do you really think timing would have changed your reaction?" he asks, being infuriatingly calm, cool, and collected.

"Just agree with me, Edward," I say through a clenched jaw as I stand in front of him and glare. "Is that so hard? Just for right now can't you please just agree with me even if you think I'm acting like a crazy person?"

His lips twitch into a little smile. It makes me so mad I want to scream at him, but even I'm not far gone enough not to realize that my anger is misplaced.

"Yes, ma'am. And I do agree with most everything you're sayin'. I just don't like you upset. I wanna make you feel better," he explains, reaching towards me. His big hand wraps around my hips.

I take a few deep, measured breaths.

"Edward, my father just informed me that not only is he dating Barbara Denali, but she is movin' in with him. How in the hell am I supposed to be anything but upset right now?" I ask, pleased that I sound less hysterical than a did a moment before.

Edward nods, but doesn't say anything. I'm glad he isn't trying to talk me out of my feelings anymore. His thumb rubs against my skin just above my jeans and I let it soothe me.

"I know it's not right," I whisper. As my mad leaves me I just get sad. "But to me she's always gonna be the woman that ruined my family. Always. And now she'll be joining our family for Christmas. She started it all. She was the beginning of the end for my parents, and I know it's too simple but that's how I feel."

I sniff and wipe at my nose with the back of my hand.

Edward opens his arms wide. "You look like you need a hug."

I quickly fold myself in to his body, curling up against his chest. He holds me close, kissing my temple and rubbing my back. I don't really cry but do sniffle a little.

"If I was a good person I'd be happy that my dad isn't alone anymore," I murmur.

"You'll get there. I believe you'll get there," he says. "If… if everything that happened with your dad and Barbara Denali that summer didn't happen… would we have happened?"

I sit up, looking at him. It's not often that Edward deals with what ifs. He's definitely more of a come what may kinda guy.

"I never thought of it that way," I say. Reaching up to touch his face, I make him look at me. Again, the vulnerability I see in his expression is unusual. "But we would have found a way to each other. We're inevitable, Edward."

"You think?"

"Yeah."

Before he can kiss me I have a terrible thought that has me leaping off his lap and pacing around again.

"Oh my God!"" I yell.

"What! Fuck, Bella," Edward replies, hands back in his hair. "What now?"

"If Barbara Denali is going to be at our Christmas dinner do you know who else will be there?" I shriek. "Where the hell else is Tanya Denali going to be?"

Edward groans, flopping down onto his back.

"Oh my God," he mutters.

* * *

><p>On December twentieth we all receive the best possible Christmas present. Jackson Alexander Whitlock is born after over a day of labor. The last time we all camped out in a hospital it was not any where near this joyous.<p>

"He looks like one of those little soft peanut candy things," Emmett observes when they finally let all of into Alice's room. "They're really gross."

Alice, sweaty and exhausted and smiley, still manages to slap Emmett in the arm for that one.

"That's my best work of art you're talking about," she says, that soft smile still on her face and she looks down at the little baby in Jasper's arms. "My best creation."

"You had help," Jasper reminds her.

She nods and pushes a hand through his hair.

"Can I hold him?" Rosalie asks, practically vibrating in place. "Please, please, please, please."

Emmett looks at his fiancé in horror. Someone is definitely not ready for Rose to have the baby bug.

The baby bug is frighteningly easy to catch, turns out. Seeing Edward coach his little kids makes my womb ache. It's embarrassing really, and another part of my decision to study abroad next semester. I need to do some of the things I've always wanted to do before my womb gets the best of me.

"She's gonna steal your baby, Ali," Emmett says. "Say no."

Jasper just chuckles and hands over the new baby to Rosalie who absolutely melts. She makes some very strange noises, over come by cuteness.

"Emmett…" she says, pleading.

"No."

"Em..."

"Hell no."

"Rose, hurry up," I interject. "I want a turn."

No one in the room can seem to stop drinking up little Jackson with our eyes. Except maybe Emmett who is more focused on Rosalie.

"Hey there," I say, when I finally hold the little guy. He is just so tiny, but already it's obvious from the little wisps of blond hair on his head that he takes after his daddy. "Hi, Jackson."

The little baby blinks at me, latching his tiny fingers onto one of mine, and I'm a puddle. I glance up at Edward who's watching me intently with bright eyes and a slight, crooked smile.

Oh, damn.

"You wanna hold him?" I ask, stepping closer to Edward.

That wonderful look is gone and now he's panicking slightly. "Naw," he says, shaking his head. "You're doin' a fine job."

"Go on," Jasper says, nudging Edward. "Meet your godson."

Edward winces, but I smile. The two have them are brothers again, all ill will forgotten. They've been even closer than they were before Edward and Alice followed Jazz to Mexico and talked him out of having that surgery that promised to give him his legs back but would have probably killed him.

Good thing too. Alice could never have done this on her own.

I put the baby in Edward's arms, smiling at how nervous and careful he appears. He grins at me as Jackson settles in and yawns. It's hard to look at him but there is no way I'm turning away, even as my breath catches in my throat.

"Nice to meet yah, little man," Edward murmurs. "I'm your Uncle Eddie."

Alice snorts, her eyes fixed on her son. "Uncle Eddie? That's creepy. It sounds like you should be about 50 years old with a big ass beard and a beer gut."

"Soon enough, Ali," Edward replies. "Soon enough."

"Something to look forward to, Bella," Alice says. She looks so tired I know we'll be clearing outta here soon.

I glance to Edward who is falling in love with Jackson before my eyes.

"Yeah," I reply, smiling softly at him. "Something to look forward to indeed."

* * *

><p>EPOV<p>

Christmas dinner is just about as bad as we thought it was gonna be. What with the arrival of Jackson and everything, Coach cancels dinner at his place for everyone. Charlie's apartment is just too damn small, and somehow he tricks me into offering up our house.

Well, it's really more Emmett and Rosalie's house now. That doesn't stop me from invitin' Charlie and Barbara and her daughter over for the meal.

"How exactly did this happen? I mean, you don't even really live here anymore. What did you do to make it so I have to spend my Christmas with Tanya Denali?" Rosalie asks as she tidies up, putting a few things away before our guests arrive. There isn't that much cleaning to do. The house looks like a whole different place than when it was just me and Em on our own.

There's a real table where the pool table used to be. Oh how things have changed.

"I don't know, Rose," I say for the hundredth time, helpin' myself to a beer. It's my third one of the afternoon. I'm probably going to need a whole lot more. "The conversation is a blur. He swindled me."

"Well, he was a car salesmen for years before he opened the bar last summer," Bella reminds me.

Charlie's Place, the new Panther themed bar and grill right in the heart of downtown, is already something of a hit. Don't know where Bella's dad got the funds to get her goin' but the place is packed pretty much all the goddamn time. It does combine all the things the folks of Dillon love – alcohol, meat, and football.

"So it's your fault?" Rosalie asks, rounding on Bella now. "For bein' his daughter and all?"

"Technically I think we could blame in on Jackson for coming early," Bella says, working over the stove. "Edward, chop this."

I do what she says bein' that she and Rose are pretty much preparing this whole meal on their own.

Emmett emerges from the bedroom to put on Christmas music. He sings along, totally off key, flopping down on the couch Rosalie just straightened.

When I'm done chopping everything Bella asked me to chop she dismisses me, saying that hacking things up is the extent of my cooking ability. I remind her that I make a mean piece of toast.

She laughs and lets me wrap my arms around her waist. Even though she keeps cooking whatever it is she's cooking, she sighs and pushes back into me. I'm happy and warm, with her right here.

She's not gonna be right here for long.

Stupid France.

I don't let myself think about it.

My little moment of joy ends with the knock on the door.

"Show time," I murmur in Bella's ear.

"Hi y'all!" yells Barbara Denali when Rose gets the door open.

"Oh my God," says Bella.

* * *

><p>"I've just been so lonely, livin' in that house all on my own. Now that all the girls are growed up and Tanya is in Austin, well, there was just no reason I could see to stay in the old place," Barbara Denali says, talking animatedly. She and Charlie might be the only ones oblivious to the tension. Maybe they are just better at ignoring it. "Not with me spendin' most my nights at Charlie's, anyhow."<p>

Bella stabs a piece of asparagus so hard it ends up smacking me in the hand somehow. I watch her scowling at Barbara Denali, with her fried blond hair and sparkly, low cut top.

I wonder if Barbara knows I had sex with her daughter on the couch just a few feet away. I don't remember if Tanya ever made it to my bed. She sure as fuck didn't stay the night. Only Bella's ever done that.

Em and Rose should really invest in some new furniture.

"How do you like Austin, Tanya?" Rosalie asks, surprising everyone. In high school Rose hated Tanya pretty much as much as Bella did. They both have the same kinda super sexy, big-titted, shiny look happening and there was definitely competition about that.

Maybe Rose is trying to move the subject away from something so repulsive to Bella. Maybe she is trying to prove to Emmett she's grown up enough to have a baby. Difficult to say with Rose.

"It's fine," Tanya replies. "I'm just happy to be out of Dillon. I can't think of anything more depressing than rotting away in this shithole. Not that it's a problem at your age, Momma. But I wouldn't want to be wastin' my pretty years here. I'm way too young and hot to be settlin' down with some townie."

Now it's Rosalie stabbing violently at her food.

"So, Bella," Barbara says. I can tell it's hard work for Bella to keep the glare off her face. "What's this I hear about you goin' all the way to France?"

"Uh… I'm going all the way to France," she says. Charlie gives her a look and she sighs. "I'm studying abroad in Paris for a semester."

"Now why would you want to go and do a thing like that?" Barbara continues. "I mean there are _French _people in France."

Barbara looks around like she expecting someone to laugh. No one does. Bella blinks a lot and I worry that her head might pop off.

"That's kinda the point," Bella says. "I've always wanted to live abroad. Hopefully I'll be fluent in French when I get back. I've always done well in French class. And I'm really into French literature right now."

Tanya snorts. "Well, la-di-da."

"That's… real nice, Bella," Barbara replies. "When do you leave?"

"Semesters are different there so I don't fly out till mid-February. I'll be back in July."

That is one positive of this whole fucking thing. Bella found a renter for her room in Denver, so she'll be stayin' with me in Boulder till she leaves. She'll be right there with me, at least for a little while.

"So what are you gonna do, Edward?" Tanya asks. She hugged me when she first showed up, probably just to fuck with Bella. She can't be anymore happy that her mom is with Charlie than Bella is.

Last time I was in such close proximity to her she slapped me. That was right around when Bella and I went public, all those years ago.

"Uh… what now?" I ask.

"What are you gonna do with Bella in France?" she continues.

"Uh… miss her a lot?" Not sure why that comes out a question. I already miss her like crazy, just thinkin' about it.

"So she's just leavin' you? And you're okay with that?' Tanya demands.

That's a real tricky question. No, I ain't okay with it. I hate the thought of her bein' across the damn ocean with a bunch of fucking foreigners speaking a language that all the ladies seem to go gaga for.

But I want her to go. I want her happy. I would pretty much be her only reason not to go. Never do I ever want to hold her back. When I get irrational I want to point out that the only reason I'm in Colorado is for her, so if she's gone why should I stay? But that ain't fair or really even true either.

School ain't so bad.

It's a little over five months. We can last five months.

"Yeah, bilingual chicks are hot," I reply, grinning at Bella. She rolls her eyes, but smiles anyway. "Plus, five months ain't so long. We've got video chattin' and all that. "

Plus I gotta a little stashed away. I might be able to swing a spring break plane ticket. Maybe I'll go in that little break I get after school and before football gets really serious. Haven't mentioned that yet. Don't want her gettin' her hopes up.

"Damn, Edward," Tanya says, shaking her head sadly at me. "You're much more trusting than I would be."

I just stare blankly, not gettin' it at all.

"What with the way you two got together, I'd been keepin' an eye on that one," Tanya continues. She smiles but that don't make her nice.

Still, I don't get what's she trying to say.

"Jealous bitch," Bella says, making Charlie choke.

And than I remember the whole cheatin' on Jasper situation. That's what Tanya is talking about.

"What did you call me?" Tanya yells.

"You heard her," I reply. "Seems like Bella can see just what you are better than you can see what she is."

"Now, I won't have you talkin' to my daughter like that," Barbara says. "Charlie, do something!"

Mr. Swan just sits frozen in place with wide eyes.

Rosalie launches a spoonful of gravy, hittin' Tanya right in between those propped up tits.

Charlie, Barbara, and Tanya don't stay for dessert.

* * *

><p>"You're mad at me," Bella says when she finally gets back from visiting Alice and Jackson. During our breaks from school freshmen year she'd pretend to stay at Charlie's place. This year she doesn't even bother with that.<p>

"I ain't mad."

"Yes, you are. Don't you think after all this time I can tell?" She drops her purse off on my desk and then moves to the closet to kick off her boots and hang up her jacket. "I'm sorry I was gone so long. I'm just really worried about Alice."

I watch her out of the corner of my eye, continuing to strum the guitar in my lap.

"She okay?" I ask.

"Yeah, yeah, everything is fine. But… she hates Dillon. It's like she resigned herself to spend the rest of her life here even though she hates it because this is where Jasper is. I just hope it doesn't destroy her, givin' up art school and all that."

"Who could hate Dillon?" I ask, really not gettin' what Bella is goin' on about.

"Alice. Alice hates Dillon. She always has. How could you not know this?"

I just shrug. Bella sighs.

"You're mad," she repeats.

"I ain't mad," I repeat.

"Is this because we're goin' back to Colorado in two days?" she asks, standing in front of me with her hands on her hips.

"I don't know what you're talkin' about."

"Edward, you've been cranky and quiet since New Years. Maybe even since Christmas. Is it because of what Tanya said at that horrible dinner?" Bella asks.

I look at her like she's stupid because right now that's just how she's acting.

"Because I would never cheat on you. I would never even want to. And I know I don't have a lot of credibility on that front after Jazz but—"

"Bella, I know," I say. My voice is more gruff than I intended. It's just a little irritating that she doesn't think that I know that she would never cheat on me.

"Edward, you've gotta talk to me," she says. "Pretty soon all we'll have is talkin'."

My fingers strike an angry cord on my guitar. Bella gently pulls it away from me, sitting next to me on the mattress, facing me.

"I'm sorry I was late," she murmurs, reaching out to stroke my scruffy jaw. "I'm sorry I was gone so long."

"It's just… we don't have that much time, Bella," I reply, feeling like an asshole.

"Did I ever tell you why I even stated thinkin' about studying abroad?" Bella asks.

"Haven't you always wanted to?"

"Well, yeah. I have but living in another country has always been one of those things I see happening in the future, way off in the distant future. It still doesn't seem real to me, that pretty soon I'll be living in Europe."

It feels plenty real to me. Fucking real as fuck.

"But then the possibility became real."

"How?"

"This is so embarrassing," she says, attempting to hide her blush in her hands.

"Bella," I ask with a slight chuckle. This is not what I was expecting from her. Not at all. "What are you doin' hiding your face from me? It's too pretty to cover up."

She lets me pry her hands away and then gives me a rueful story.

"In all this time we've been together we haven't really talked about the future," she says.

"Yeah we have. We've talked about you bein' away. We came to Colorado together."

"No, not just a few months. I mean the future future. You know, like after graduation and everything," she says.

"Oh."

I definitely prefer to live in the moment, but I've assumed for a good long while now that Bella would be my future. She's it for me. All I've ever wanted. The look on her face makes me feel like an idiot. I just assumed she felt the same way, but I really don't fucking now. We haven't talked about it.

What if she doesn't see us makin' it outta college? That's gotta be crazy thinkin' right?

"When you were helpin' coach pee wee last spring, do you remember Maggie teasing me?" Bella asks.

What the fuck is this now? She's so fucking all over the place with this conversation it's making my head spin.

"I don't make it a practice of payin' much attention to anything Maggie says," I reply. I'm so fucking nervous it feels like my chest is imploding.

"Well… she was teasing me because the way I watched you with those little kids. She said my womb was aching."

"Oh."

That's gotta be like what I felt when I saw her holdin' Jackson, right? Because I sure as fuck don't have a fucking womb but I loved the way Bella looked holding that baby.

"Is that okay?" she asks. I realize that I'm not the only one nervous about this conversation.

"Bella, of course it's okay to feel how you feel," I reply.

"No, I mean is okay that I've thought about that? That I want that with you?"

I grab her hand and free her bottom lip from her teeth.

"Want what with me?" I need to hear her say it. Need to know that we are actually talking about the same thing here.

"Babies, Edward," she snaps, annoyed now. "Freakin' babies."

"My freakin' babies?" I ask, grinning at her.

"Yes," she says, shy and blushing again.

"It's great," I reply. Somehow my face is a lot closer to hers than it was a minute ago.

"Really?" she squeaks.

"Yeah. I mean, back in the day I never thought I would have that. I never thought I would want kids. But I never thought I would go to college either. You're a game changer for me, Bella. And I want that with you. I want you wanting my babies."

She giggles, joy radiating from her. I hook her chin in between my fingers because how could I not kiss her at a time like this? It's slow and sweet at first, but it doesn't take long for Bella to crawl in to my lap, rubbin' against me.

Surely she doesn't want to start this baby thing now? Hopefully this is just practice.

"Bella," I manage, even though it's fucking difficult to think about anything when she's this close to me. "How did we even start talking about babies? It's not to make a baby right this minute, is it?"

It takes her a moment, but slowly that dreamy look on her face changes as she's able to understand what I'm sayin'.

"Oh!" she squeals, embarrassed again. She tries to climb off my lap but I hold her firmly with my hands on her hips. "No, no, no. Of course not. That's just crazy talk. No babies for a while yet. We've got to graduate and I've gotta go to France."

I stare at her, not bothering to hide my amusement. She's cute when she's flustered.

"I just don't get why you decided to bring this up now? Not that I ain't glad we had this little chat," I say.

"France. That's how this came up. I was explaining why I want to go to France."

"Connect the dots, Bella," I say. "I've still got no idea what you're trying to tell me."

"Alice got pregnant," she says, further confusing me. What the hell has been goin' on in her head for all these months? "This summer when she told me she was pregnant it freaked me out because I had just been fanaticizing about having your babies."

She pauses to see if I follow. I nod for her to continue.

"So all of a sudden the possibility of having babies became real to me which I want, someday. But there is all this stuff I want to do first," she says.

"So you goin' away is you wanting to do some of this stuff while you can before we settle down and start popping them out?" I clarify.

"Yes! That's exactly it. Right after Alice told me she was expecting I found out about Riley goin' to Colombia," Bella says.

"Riley. That motherfucker. I hope he never comes back from South American," I mutter.

Bella ignores my little tantrum

"He just reminded me that I've always wanted to live out of the country and this is the time to do it. Right now."

"Right now," I repeat, finally understanding why she's gotta go. "Now's the time."

"Yes," she replies, her hands cradling my face. "I would never go if I thought it would hurt our relationship. Still, I'm going to miss you so much."

"Well, that's good to hear," I reply, feeling better for the first time in a good long time. "Can we get back to practice?"

"Practice?"

"You know, for makin' our future freakin' babies," I murmur against her lips, smirking slightly.

"Okay," she says with a giggle.

* * *

><p>"What the fucking hell is this shit!" I yell. Havin' a giant stack of papers dropped on my stomach is not a good way to wake up, especially seein' as I had no desire to wake up in the first place.<p>

Sleep is the one time I'm not constantly thinkin' about Bella halfway across the goddamn world.

"I'm here to cheer you up," Liam says, smiling at me, unflappable as ever. Sometimes his easy-goingness is real irritating.

"With a pile of paperwork?" I ask, sitting up on my elbows and looking at the stuff still on my stomach. "And I don't need cheerin' up."

"Yeah, you really fucking do. Were you this pathetic before Bella wised up and dumped your best friend?" Liam asks.

I just scowl at him. That is one story that he would have never heard if I had my way. My roommate spends way too much time with Bella's roommate and girls will talk.

"You know I'm applying to get into the School of Ed next year," he says.

"What's that got to do with me?"

"I've decided you're applying too."

"No. Fuck no. Why would I fucking do that?"

That sounds like extra work. I'm not too into extra work.

"Because," he says, taking a seat in my chair and propping his feet up on my desk. "You love little kids and your teachers classes. You're just too stubborn to admit you kinda like school. And you never like to plan for the future. It was a pain in the ass getting you to agree to sign a year long lease for this place. Seriously, I don't know how Bella got you commit."

"That's all bullshit," I snap. "I'm great at thinkin' about the future."

Liam snorts.

"There's been talk," I say.

"Talk?"

"Talk. You know. Talk. Goin' pro kinda talk," I mutter. This is the sorta thing I should have probably discussed with Bella but Bella ain't here.

"Pro?" Liam ask, looking at me blankly.

"Pro. You know. NFL, that kinda pro."

"Well, hot damn. You're that good?" My roommate looks genuinely surprised.

"There's been talk," I reply.

"Do you want to play professional football?" he asks.

"I dunno."

Liam looks at me for a long moment, studying me as if he has some hope of understanding what's going on in my head.

"You still gotta study something, right?" Liam finally asks.

"I guess."

"School of Ed, my man," he replies, getting up and moseying towards my bedroom door. "There's nothing wrong with having a plan B."

What if I don't want it to be a backup? What if I want this to be plan A?

I stare at the papers for a long time before moving to my desk and finding a pen.

* * *

><p>The longest plane ride I'd been on before now was from Texas to Colorado. It's pretty quick. Flyin' across the freakin' ocean takes a good long while. I don't like it. Not the bumps or all that blue beneath me. I close the window so I don't have to look at it.<p>

I shift around uncomfortably in my seat. The small women next to me looks at my long legs with sympathy before turning off her light and going to sleep. It takes me a long time to calm down enough to close my eyes, but the thought of seein' Bella in a few hours helps me somewhat.

I even manage to doze for a couple hours.

Then the thought of Bella makes me impatient rather than calm. Two and a half weeks. That's how long I'll have with her in France before I have to be back for football. She'll still be takin' classes so I'll have spend a good chunk of time on my own, but what the fuck ever. I can't think of anything that will keep me from her.

When we land I want to plow down the aisle but instead wait my turn to get off the damn plane.

Spotting Bella, waitin' anxiously for me when I exit the terminal makes me so happy it feels like my heart stops.

It's been almost three fucking months since I last saw her. That was one tearful airport goodbye.

By the time I navigate the crowd and get to her she's crying so hard she can't manage to speak. I don't say anything either, and just wrap myself around her. She shakes in my arms and gets my shirt all wet. We stay like that for a minute before I have to kiss her. She smiles against my lips and lets me kiss her face all over.

"Fuck, I missed you," I murmur when we both clam down.

"So so much," Bella replies. She wipes away her tears. "I'm a mess."

"You're a mess? I just spend two lifetimes on an airplane."

Bella smiles and grabs my hand. "Let's go."

"It's cozy."

"Cozy is code for tiny," Bella says, leading me through her cramped apartment to her bedroom in the back. "I'm just lucky to have a room to myself. Can't afford any bigger, livin' right in the city like this. If we were lucky enough to get an apartment on the other side of the building we could see the Eiffel Tower."

She lives with two other students from her study abroad program. She never has much to say about them and I'm glad they don't appear to be around now.

Her room is more like a closet. This suits me fine, means I'll get to be real close to her for the next couple weeks.

"Instead you got that nice brick wall," I say, nodding in the direction of her small window. I drop my duffle and backpack at my feet. Bella kicks them both in to the floor of her small closet.

"You hungry?" she asks.

"No." I approach her. She backs up until her knees hit her mattress. Her eyes are bright and she bites her bottom lip as she looks up at me.

"Tired?"

"No." That's mostly a lie. I'm so tired I'm not really tired anymore, if that makes sense. Plus, I want her too badly to think about something as stupid as bein' tired. I play with the hem of her white henley shirt and rake my eyes down her body.

"Need a shower?"

This question gives me pause. I am a little grimy after bein' on a plane all that time. I did manage to brush my teeth, but I don't want to gross out my lady.

"Do you want me to take a shower?"

"Not yet," she murmurs.

Both of us seem to have enough of that chit chat at this point because we basically attack each other. Kissing each other breathless, we yank at each others clothes. Shirts are tossed to the floor along with her bra. Our movements are jerky and desperate rather than practiced and efficient. We fall back to her tiny twin bed, and I pull back for a moment to pull off her jeans. They get stuck on somethin' and I growl in frustration before turning my attention to her foot ware.

"What the fuck is this?" I demand, lifting Bella's foot to study her shoe.

It's a boot. It's definitely a boot, but not her normal kinda boot.

Bella sits up on her elbows to see what the hold up is. I get distracted by the movement of her tits, but only for one quick minute.

"What now?" Bella says, breathless and panting.

"This?" I say, shaking her foot around.

"That's my boot."

"It's don't look like your normal kinda boot."

"They're new."

"What happened to your cowboy boots?"

"There're in the closet."

"How the fuck do I get it off?"

"There's a zipper on the side."

Using her ankle I turn her leg to see the damn zipper.

"This is a damn monstrosity," I mutter, pulling down said zipper. "A travesty, even."

"What?" she snaps, apparently irritated with me.

"Since when do you wear fucking boots with zippers?" I demand.

"Are we really talkin' about this right now?" she says, scowling at me.

Again, I get distracted by the way her tits move with each labored breath.

"Edward!" she yells, kicking to remind me I have her half way out of one not-cowboy boot.

Grumbling to myself, I stand up and finally get the first on off her foot. Her skinny jeans were all tucked in to it.

"Gone three months and you're already gettin' all Frenchified," I say, working on her other one.

She yells at me a little in French and then laughs at me when I blink in horror.

"They're just shoes, baby," she says, lifting her hips off the bed to help me pull off her jeans the rest off the way. I take her panties while I'm at it. And her socks. Then I just stare down at her for a while because my memory didn't do her justice. Not at all.

"Edward," she whispers, smiling up at me with such affection. "Stop gawkin' and take your damn pants off."

There really ain't a single reason for me not to obey.

* * *

><p>We do all this French stuff I should really be more interested in. This is my first time in a foreign country, and the first day or two I want to look at everything, but soon I lose interest in the new sights and focus on absorbing enough of Bella to last me for two months when it's time for me to leave.<p>

Most days I walk Bella to class and then wander around, lookin' for a good spot to read or play the guitar I stole from one of Bella's roommates. French people don't seem to like the look of me too much, but it don't really bug me.

Bella is really shocked when I go through all the books I brought with me and have to search out a bookstore that sells English ones. She drags me to the library at her university to pick out a few things instead. We end up fucking in the stacks, something I never ever thought Bella Swan would do. The smell of books is gonna be a turn on for the rest of my life after that one.

Bella yells at me for about ten years when I finally get around to tellin' her that I got accepted into the School of Ed for the fall semester. After she loses her mad about me not tellin' me sooner she gives me a blow job and cooks me dinner

In the evenings I make her do her homework seated real close so we touch. I don't know how comfortable it is for her, but she humors me.

On the first weekend we do tourist things in the city. The Eiffel Tower and the like. Bella drags me to a bunch of museums.

"I know you ain't interested but you've gotta go to the Louvre just to say you went, you know?" she says.

No, I don't really fucking know but it makes her happy. She holds my hand all day and practices her French by translating all the signs.

She don't sound like she needs much practice to me. I like the way it sounds when we're alone, but hate that I can't hear what other people say to her. I get so pissed when our little waiter at a café greets Bella with far too much familiarity. She's somethin' of a regular here, it seems. He brings us wine and bread and cheese, grinning at me as he talks in rapid French to Bella. It makes her blush and I demand to know everything fucking thing he said to her.

"He said I'm an extremely lucky lady," Bella replies, giggling at me. "He called me crazy, sayin' if he had you he'd keep you locked up in the bedroom for his eyes only."

I blink at her for a moment before returning her grin. That's much better to the alternative.

I guess.

I hate all her friends. They don't speak much English around me, choosing instead to try and make me feel like an idiot about it. They treat me like I'm some ignorant jock and pity me for bein' from Texas. All they do is sit around bein' all pompus and self-important. When they do speak my language it's to explain things to me in a condescending way. I get a lot of pleasure correctin' one of them on the theory of Jean Piaget. They ignore me after that and I'm glad I didn't bother to learn their names. Bella don't like them much either, but they're all she's got. We don't see much of them.

We spent a whole mess of time in bed.

The second weekend we take a little trip to Normandy. Bella apparently saved this activity to do with me, figuring I'd be more interested in seein' the WWII battlefield than I would goin' to all her museums and what not.

She's right. It's pretty damn cool. I've never been much interested in shit that happened in the past, but it's still pretty damn cool.

When Bella takes me back to the airport at the end of my trip it feels like my insides have gotten all twisted up. I hate leavin' her, hate that she's here, hate that it'll be another two months till she comes home.

Still, it's obvious that she loves it here. I'm glad she decided to do this, even if I hate bein' away from here. It's been good for her. I like the way she can rattle off things and French and how well she's gotten to know this city.

We kiss a lot before it's finally time for me to go through security. Bella cries a lot and I tell her not to be sad.

We have the whole rest of our lives, after all.


	27. Junior Year

**We're really nearing the end now. One more college chapter and an epilogue and that's it. And this whole thing was supposed to be a seven chapter, couple month little fic. Damn.**

**Thank you so much for reading and reviewing and the like. **

**Check out Alice's story _All The Pretty Lights _if you feel so inclined.**

**Nothing belongs to me.**

**Enjoy. **

* * *

><p>After my five months in Paris, I fly home to Texas, just in time for Rosalie and Em's wedding. Edward manages a few days off from football and meets me for the big event. He and Charlie make the drive to pick me up in Dallas, and I embarrass my dad when I launch myself Edward the moment I see them hangin' out by the baggage claim.<p>

"Alright, that's enough," Charlie mutters, tugging on my elbow. Begrudgingly I remove my lips from Edward's. "Dang, Bells, I don't want to be seein' that."

"Sorry," I mumble, blushin' all the way down my chest. "Hi, Daddy."

"Hi, honey," Charlie replies, hugging me close and kissing my forehead. "You don't look no different."

"I wasn't gone that long," I reply, grabbing Edward's hand as we stare at the carousel. "France isn't foreign planet."

"Still, I thought you'd come back with underarm hair of somethin'."

"How do you know I didn't stop shaving?" I reply.

Charlie gapes at me and Edward laughs.

I roll my eyes and cuddle closer into Edward's side. It's such a relief to be back here with him. His visit a few months ago made it almost unbearable to be away from him. I'm glad I went, but I'm thrilled to be back.

Tucked into his side with his lips against my temple is just about the most content I could possibly be.

Charlie chats away about his surprisingly successful new restaurant and his life with Barbara as we make the drive back. I don't pay much attention, too distracted by the feel of Edward's thigh lined up with mine in the small cab of the truck. His hand moves on my knee, and this car ride seems to take days.

But thankfully Charlie turns towards Emmett and Rosalie's house instead of towards his own apartment. I didn't live there long, and prefer to stay with Edward when I'm in town. Unfortunately, my father invites himself inside for a beer instead of just going home to his stupid girlfriend.

Rose and Em are home so we all spend some time catching up. Rose actually cries when she hugs me before yellin' at me for being the worst maid of honor ever. Not exactly my fault, seein' as she finally decided to plan her wedding while I was out of the country.

Jet-lagged and exhausted, I end up falling asleep with my head in Edward's lap. I wake only briefly to find myself in Edward's arms, being laid down in his room.

"Go to sleep," he whispers when he sees me looking at him.

"But it's my first night back," I say, my voice slurring with sleep. "I want to have sex with you."

Edward let's out a strangled chuckle.

My eyes drift closed.

"You're back now," he murmurs, kissing me quickly. "We can wait a few more hours."

I think about telling him I love him, but I'm not sure if I manage before I fall back to sleep.

* * *

><p>"You know," I manage between my labored breaths. "After three years with you I thought we'd pretty well figured out all this sex stuff."<p>

Edward turns his head slightly, looking at me from where he rests against my neck. I barely have the wherewithal to speak so I'm not surprised that he can't seem to lift his head.

"That was just… wow."

And now he just smiles that cocky little smirk of his, lips against my skin. It's certainly deserved in this case. I push a hand through his hair but even that one little movement is too much for me. Only the sound of our slowing breaths fills the room.

"Seriously, what was up with that?" I ask when my body fully comes back down to earth. "How can it be different after three years?"

"Aw, Swan. If you keep it up you're gonna make me feel like I wasn't doin' it right before." His voice is sleepy and his grin is playful.

"Leave it to you to turn a compliment into a not compliment," I mutter. "You've been practicing without me."

Edward laughs heartily at this, rolling off of me. I pout at the feeling of lose with him slipping out of me, but recover slightly when he pulls me into his arms.

"It was a long five months," he murmurs, touching the tips of his fingers to my cheek.

"You saw me two months ago," I point out.

"So the fuck what? If anythin' that just made me miss you worse." He frowns now and holds me a little tighter as if he's scared I'm going to disappear.

"You were so intense before."

"It's just… I didn't like it," he replies, getting serious on me. "I'm glad you got the experience and all but I hated it. You bein' away from me. At school it's one thing because I know that worse case I can hop in my truck and see you within the hour. And I'm glad you're glad you went, but… just try not to do it again, okay?"

"I won't do it again," I promise. "I can't do it again."

* * *

><p>"Don't look at me. I wanted to wear black," Alice says, watching me stare at myself in the mirror hanging up on the door to her closet. They just moved in about a week ago after spending a couple months in New York City so Alice could do the summer session at Pratt but already their apartment is pretty put together.<p>

"I guess it's not terrible. I never thought Rose would be the kinda person to want pick in her wedding," I mutter, turning to look at the back of the dress.

"Love makes people go all wonky," she replies, cradling seven month old Jackson to her chest.

"This dress is obscenely short," I mutter, tugging on the hem.

"You look hot, Swan," Alice says. "Get over it."

With a final look in the mirror, I move towards Alice, lying down next to where she sits with her legs crossed on the bed.

"I thought you'd be more upset about this dress situation than me," I say.

Alice just shrugs. "There are more important things."

I frown at my friend. She's only been back in Dillon a week and it's like she's lost her fire.

"You ain't happy here, are you?" I ask quietly.

She gives me a sad little smile. "Jasper makes me happy. Jackson makes me happy. It doesn't matter where we are as long as we are together."

"You sound like a greeting card. Regular old Hallmark, you are."

The worst part is I don't believe her. I want to, want her words to be true, but there is just something different from the passionately bizarre girl that was determined to make it in the art world. Part of that change is growing up, but too much of it is sadness from what she lost.

"I missed you, Bella," Alice says, changing the subject. I narrow my eyes at her, still worried, but don't say anything. There is no makin' Alice talk about somethin' she don't want to talk about. "Wish you were here longer."

"Yeah, me too. I could use a little Dillon time, but Edward has football. I'm happy as long as I'm with him and all that," I reply.

Alice gives me a little smirk. "Exactly."

"I can't really believe Rose is gettin' married," I muse. "She's only twenty-one."

"Yeah," Alice says with a snort. "I have a kid and you and Ed act like you've been together for about fifty years. And she's the weird one, making it official."

"Plus, Emmett's already an old man so they really do need to get on it. He's almost thirty, you know," I continue.

"Yup. We're all pretty much grown ups now," Alice says. "Hey, I can see basically see your vag. Nice panties, Swan."

I squeak and blush, pulling on the hem of this ridiculous dress.

"This is going to be one classy affair," Alice predicts.

"I'm gonna need bigger underwear."

* * *

><p>"Bella, I love you. I am in love with you. You're like my brother from another mother," Rosalie slurs, dragging an arm around my shoulders. "You are the best one."<p>

"No, no," I say, shaking my head and leaning against her. She brings a bottle of something to her lips before passing it back to me. "You are the best one. I love so much. You are like my twin of the soul."

I had no plans on getting this ridiculously drunk tonight, but it is a wedding after all. We've gotten to the point in the evening where all the youngins and old people have left the reception. The party continues to rage on around us, but Rose and I are hiding out to have a little girl talk. We're sitting in a pile of limbs and tulle behind the bar at Charlie's Place.

"You, Bella Marie Cullen, are my better half," she insists, shaking my shoulders to convey her seriousness.

I giggle like a loon. "That's not my name. That's your name. Except with Rosalie Lillian."

"Technicality. Everyone knows your name will be that soon enough. Any day now. And then we will officially be sisters."

"We will be sisters! Should you really be callin' me your better half on your weddin' day?" I ask, flopping my head around to stare at her. I seem to have lost control of my neck.

"Emmett is a very understandin' man. He's older, don't you know."

Tyler Crowley, who has been managing bar for my dad since Charlie opened this bar and grill last year, chuckles and shakes his head as he mixes some drink a few feet away from us.

"You have a fuckin' problem, Crowley?" Rose yells, scowling up at him. "Today is my special day. I can say whatever the fuck I want."

"Course you can," he replies, stepping over up and grabbing a bottle from above our heads. "Just funny how some things don't change much, even with us outta high school."

"What the fuck does that mean?" Rosalie demands. It seems like she's trying to get up, so I tighten my grip on her. Rose wouldn't be happy if I let her get into a physical altercation on her wedding day.

She looks so pretty and happy today.

"I think he just means that we'll always been drunk messes and best friends, no matter who we marry," I say.

"Oh. Well, ain't that the truth?"

We both find this extremely funny but then I get sleepy and decide this is as good a time and place as any to have a little nap.

"Tyler." The deep, familiar voice has me perking right up. "You haven't seen my lady, have you?"

"Yeah, or my wife?"

"Lost your bride already, Cullen?" Tyler asks with a chuckle. "And you, Mr. college footballer. Things sure have changed in the last couple years. Eddie Cullen don't lose ladies. Ain't it supposed to be the other way round?"

"Aw, lay off, Crowley or I'll steal that giant tip jar of yours."

Tyler lets out a sigh before gesturing toward the heap that is me and Rose. I watch as the heads of Edward and Emmett pop over the top of the bar. They stare with wide eyes for a moment before laughing.

A lot.

They do a lot of laughing and I glare at them. I could stand up, I guess. But that would take a whole lot of effort.

"Alice!" Emmett yells suddenly through his belly laughs. "Get over here, camera lady. The best shot of the night awaits you, right here."

Alice climbs up on to the bar and starts laughing almost as hard as Em and Edward before I really figure out what's happening.

"Aw, shit," I mumble, attempting to untangle myself from the still sleeping bride. Alice takes about a thousand pictures and no one makes any move to help me out. I end up inside Rosalie's voluminous skirt somehow with my legs flapping around.

"Nice granny panties, Bells," Alice says from behind her camera. "With a dress that short I told you there was no way they wouldn't be making an appearance at some point this evening."

This, of course, inspires Edward to come to my rescue. I glare at him when he frees my head for takin' so long. He pulls me up into his arms like I don't weigh nothin' at all.

"I think Rose put you in this dress just to piss me off," he mutters, carrying me out from behind the bar.

"You don't like it? But it's short and tight," I mumble into his neck. He attempts to set me on my own two feet, but I tighten my grip. Firstly, I like bein' this close to him. Secondly, I don't think my legs are workin' right.

He's holdin' me bridal style. Fittin' give our location.

"It ain't you," he replies, tugging on the hem the way I've been tugging on it all night. "And I don't know if you get this about me, honey, but I'm a jealous asshole that tends to freak out whenever anyone looks at you. This dress is a danger to my health."

"Then you should get it off my as quick as possible." I'm tryin' real hard to be sexy, somethin' that never really tends to end well for me. My plan is to scrape my teeth against his ear but instead I end up givin' him a sloppy kiss.

Loud and smacking, right in the ear.

"Ew," he says, cringing as he pushes his ear against his shoulder to protect himself from me. For whatever reason I find this to be just about the funniest thing ever and progress to giving him about a thousand loud kisses, right in the ear.

There's a right way to have your lips and tongue and teeth against a guy's ear. This sure ain't it.

"Bella!" he yells, having a hard time avoiding me and keeping me in his arms and not falling over at the same time. "Stop! Yer bein' gross."

"You don't think I'm gross," I say, pouting now.

"Sometimes I forget how silly and adorable you get when you're drinkin'," he says, smiling fondly now that I've stop attacking him.

"I don't want to be cute like a kitten," I mutter, hiding my face in his neck. "I want to be sexy. Like a cheetah."

Edward lets out a snort. "Let's get you home."

Fine by me.

* * *

><p>"I hate airplanes," I grumble, tugging my suit case along as I shuffle down the aisle behind Edward. "I haven't even gotten over my jet lag from last time yet here I find myself on another freakin' airplane."<p>

"You could of taken a couple more days at home," Edward says as we find our seats. He puts his bag in the overhead before grabbing mine. I sneak in, stealing the window seat from him. "Caught up with everyone. Alice was sure sad to see you go."

"I can't be that far away from you right now," I explain, closing my eyes and gently rubbing my temples.

"Well, I ain't gonna pretend like I'm sad about that," he says, sitting next to me and wrapping his arm around my waist. I hide my face in his chest. "As long as you know that it's gonna be football, football, football for the next few weeks until school starts."

"We're juniors now, Edward," I reply with a slight groan. I accidently moved my head. Not good. "This ain't my first rodeo."

He chuckles and kisses my forehead. I groan and shift away from him. Even his lips on me hurts in this moment.

"Sorry, babe." I can hear the amusement in his voice. "Not much worse than bein' hung over as hell on a plane."

"Guess I'm about to find out," I mutter.

"You always seem to get real drunk right before big travel days," Edward muses. "That just ain't smart."

"It was your brother's wedding," I grumble into his chest. "You should be more hung over than me."

"I'm feeling a bit peaked," he replies.

"It's not far. You drink way more than me but I get way more hung over than you."

"Practice."

I sit up slowly and lean down to reach for a water bottle. I'm drinking when a man sits next to Edward.

"I know you," says this fifty-somethin' business-lookin' dude.

"Me?" Edward asks, blinking in surprise.

"Yeah, I know I know you. Damn, your name is escaping me at the moment, but I know you. Fullback for the Buffs, am I right?" This man's enthusiasm is makin' my head hurt.

"Yes, sir," Edward replies with that cocky little smirk of his. I think about rolling my eyes but that would probably hurt too much. "Edward Cullen."

"That's it. EC!" I stifle a groan because that was just way too loud. "I'm Frank. Damn, this is exciting."

"Nice to meet you." The men shake hands. "You a fan?"

"Oh yeah, CU's my alma mater. Class of '76."

"This is my girlfriend, Bella," Edward says, putting his arm back around my shoulders. I lean forward and manage a small smile for dear Frank. He looks at me with mild concern.

"Oh, don't mind her. We were just in Texas for my brother's weddin' and she's dealin' with the hang over of her life."

"Edward!" I say with a groan. My face flames. "Must the whole world know my shame?"

"It's okay, honey," says the older man. "It's a wedding, It's really more shameful to not walk away with a big hang over, if you ask me."

He gives Edward a pointed look. Edward laughs and I manage a small smile. Laughter would surely kill me at this point.

We take off and I actually manage to fall back to sleep during take off. I'm thankful the little armrests between the seats go up so I'm able to fully cuddle into Edward's side.

The shuffling of the beverage cart a couple rows of seats away wakes me up. I blink rapidly, disoriented. Edward's voice soothes me.

"So you obviously know that you're damn good. What's next? You're a junior so you've gotta be thinkin' about it," Frank asks. At least I think his name is Frank.

"Well, I'm definitely a take it one day at a time kinda person," replies Edward, avoiding the question.

"Oh, come on. You've got to have some idea what you want to do. Surely there has been talk about you going pro."

Pro? Pro what? Like the NFL? Holy Toledo, how have I not thought about this before? Does Edward want to play football professionally? I wait with bated breath for the answer.

"There's been talk," Edward admits quietly. This is news to me. How could he have not shared this with me before? "We'll see."

I move against him, getting his attention and letting him know I'm awake. He looks at me warily. I manage a small smile for him, even thought I'm hung over as hell and totally taken aback by the thought of what comes next for football and Edward.

As stupid as it is, I've never really considered that possibility for our future. I'm not sure I like it.

"There's been talk?" I ask quietly as Frank gets distracted by the drink cart.

"Yeah," Edward replies with a shrug. "Is that… okay?"

"Of course it's okay. I haven't really thought about it before, but if it's something you want than it's more than okay. It's great."

That part's true at least. If that is a path Edward wants to possibly follow than I will be there and be happy he's doing what he loves.

"Really?" he asks, frowning.

I don't really get the frown.

"Really," I reply. "I just want you to be happy."

He just stares at me long and hard for a moment before leaning back in his chair. Still after all this time there are moments when I have no idea what he's thinking.

* * *

><p>"Don't yell at me, okay!" I say, yelling myself and flapping my arms around. "What do you want me to do?"<p>

"Stay here until Monday like you planned!" Edward roars, stalking towards me. To almost anyone else, he would be scary, threatening. He's all angry football player, looming over me as he scowls with his hands fisted at his side. I'm not scared, but I am highly irritated that he is using his height to intimidate me in this fight. "That's what I fucking want you to do, Bella. Don't fucking leave a day early."

I don't have class on Mondays and I don't work until four, so I was planning on spending tonight, Sunday, with Edward in Boulder, but plans change.

"I just found out about the meetin' tomorrow morning!" I screech, really losing patience. We've been fighting a lot this semester, ever since I got back from France.

Well, that's not totally true. Those few weeks before school started when I was livin' with Edward in Boulder were perfect, even if he was real busy. It was like a honeymoon period, but things got so hard when I moved back to Denver for school.

It's November now and there has been tension between us for months. It's terrifying, and I don't know how to fix it.

"Don't go to the goddamn meetin," he replies, leaning farther over me.

"I'm tryin' to be editor in chief for the Honors Journal next year so I have to go," I reply through clenched teeth. "And get out of my face. You know I hate it when you do the angry looming over me thing you do. And don't use the Lord's name in vain!"

He looms more. I let out a growl and stalk over to the other side of the room, looking out his bedroom window and trying to calm down.

Edward sighs heavily, and I hear him sit down on his bed. I close my eyes and can picture him, hunched shoulders, elbows on his knees, hands in his hair.

"What's going on with us?" I murmur miserably. "I just…. I know that last semester was hard with me half way across the globe, but I'm back now. I'm here. Why are we still fighting?"

It's exhausting. Before I left from my study abroad, Edward and I never fought. We had our moments, of course, but it was never like this. And being near him again, being able to call him whenever I want or hop on a bus to see him, it's such a relief. And I don't want to blame it on him, because it's never all one person, but I honestly don't know what I'm doing to cause this tension.

We're both busy, so it really is hard to see each other as long as we'd like, but this distance is so much less than the distance of last semester.

"We can't do this anymore," he mutters.

And my heart stops. And I sway, feeling so faint I have to clutch the windowsill to stay upright.

"This just isn't working," he says, sounding tired. "Me here, you there,"

And I panic.

"I won't go to the meeting," I say, still propping myself up with the window. "I'll stay with you. I want to stay with you."

I hate how desperate I sound, but my whole life seems to be falling apart here.

"Bella, come on," he says in that same wary, painful undisturbed voice. "It's not the meeting. Not just this one meeting. It's countless meetings and my practice and your job and just shit we have to do that gets in the way of us bein' together."

Somehow I find the strength to turn around.

Edward is just sitting there, looking vaguely irritated, but not devastated. Not like me.

How can this be happening?"

"Are you alright?" he asks, concerned all of a sudden.

"Alright?" I whisper, my breath harsh. "How can you even be asking me that? Of course I'm not alright!"

"Honey," he says, slowly standing and approaching me with caution. "I think you might be gettin' the wrong idea."

"You can't do this anymore!" I bellow, completely losing it.

This can't be happening.

"Bella," he says, rushing over to me and placing his hands on my shoulders. I try to escape him, but he blocks me with his body, cornering me against a wall. "Please, calm down. Either you don't know what I'm trying to say or you're really against the idea of finding a place together for next year."

I'm so confused and my emotions are all over the place, so I do the logical, rational thing and burst into tears.

"Fuck," Edward mumbles, pulling me into his arms. I cling to him as he sits us both down on the end of the bed. "Bella, baby, I'm sorry. Please don't be upset."

"I hate fighting with you!" I manage through my ridiculous tears. "These last few months have been so hard and I feel like you're angry with me all the time and I don't know how to fix it and then you just go around sayin' you can't do it anymore."

I hiccup. He looks panicked.

"Can't do the distance. I meant the distance."

And now I feel like a total idiot. An unnecessarily emotional and ridiculous idiot.

"I hate this semester," I mutter, calming down. "Every class is hard and work is long and you play so much football And our communication is all off."

He chuckles and dries my cheeks, but still looks real nervous. Like he wants to puke kinda nervous.

Wait.

He wants to move in together.

Wow.

"You… You want to live with me?" I ask.

"Well, yeah. Obviously. It's not a big deal. We've basically done it before. This would just be permanent," he explains, running a hand through his hair.

"I know. Still… it's kinda a big deal. That you want me around, don't mind that I'll be treading on your independence and what not."

Edward rolls his eyes. "I know I've been a grumpy motherfucker the last couple of months, but it's because I want you around. Stupid, I know, to be cranky with you because you were too far away but that's it. I'm tired of living apart."

Well, damn. That's a giant relief. After months of worry and avoidance, it's a huge relief to understand why he's been unhappy. It's not being away from Dillon or hatin' college, it's me in a different city.

"But how will it work?" I ask. "Do you want me to move to Boulder?"

I frown at the idea of that commute. It takes a train and a bus to get to Boulder which really isn't a big deal on weekends, but doin' it everyday for a whole year is exhausting. But I have been workin' towards a car so I could always take that on occasion. I could definitely make livin' in Boulder work.

And I really don't see Edward doin' well in Denver. It's too much of a city for him. He already thinks Boulder is huge and I just can't see him liking living right in the city like that.

"I mean, if you want," he replies. "But I was thinkin' more that we'd live in the middle. Westminster or something."

"Oh, now there's an idea," I murmur, trying to picture it. "But what about until then? We both have leases until the summer."

"I think just knowing there's an end date to the separation will make it better," Edward replies. "Once football season's over I'm gonna sleep at your place more often, even if it means gettin' up earlier to get to class instead of leavin' the night before."

I can do that too. I can definitely do that.

"Wow," I say, surprised by him. "You've really thought this through."

"I know lots of kids who commute anyway. It's so much cheaper out there, you know."

"That's still pretty far away from the whole party scene," I point out. Edward gives me a lazy grin.

"Why, Bella, you should know better than anyone that I've abandoned my party ways. I now get drunk three times a week. That's hardly anything at all."

I shake my head at him because that's not even true. When I first got back from France I was shocked to see how serious Edward became about school when I was gone. He actually makes an effort. He studies, and even better, he's interested. Since we're both workin' towards becoming teachers, we often study together. It was a stunning transformation, one I don't want to jinx by saying anything.

"So what do you think? Will you be happy livin' with just me next year?" he asks, adorably, endearingly nervous again.

I just nod and kiss him. Things will get better. Thank God.

* * *

><p>EPOV<p>

"Holy Toledo," Bella murmurs as she steps out of the cab.

"Damn," I agree.

We both just stand on the sidewalk for a minute with our necks craned, lookin' at the top of the skyscraper.

"Is this right? This can't be right? There is a doorman. Look at how fancy it is in there," Bella says, grabbing my hand.

Even after her living in Paris and me visitin' Paris, New York City is makin' us both feel like country bumpkins. Some one in a serious rush bumps into Bella, knocking her into me, and then curses at us and suddenly I'm okay with bein' a bumpkin.

That was just plain rude.

"It best be right," I reply. "It's fucking freezing out here."

"Can you Jasper livin' here?" Bella asks.

"Dunno. Sorta. But I couldn't see him fallin' for someone like Alice, either. I think this whole thing will be perfect for him. Interning at a sports agency? With all the schmoozing and sports talk? It's like Jasper's dream job."

"Yeah," Bella says with a chuckle. "I suppose."

"Well, besides quarterback, of course," I mutter.

"It'll be good for him to get out his comfort zone. See that he really can do almost anything he did before," Bella says, having more insight into people. As usual.

"Hey!" Bella and I both stop gawking at the building to look at Alice who's standing in the doorway, grinning at us. "Are you two planning on spending the whole holiday on the sidewalk or would you like to come in?"

Bella lets out a squeak and runs over to embrace her friend. I shoulder our bags and follow.

"Hey, Alice," I say, giving her a hug. "Long time no see."

This year I got to go home for Thanksgiving. The football schedule just worked out that way bein' as we didn't make it to a bowl game. A month ago Alice was in freak out mode about the upcoming move. She made a couple trips on her own to get stuff ready in her mom's apartment while Jazz finished up his last season with the Panthers. When they didn't make it passed the first round of playoffs, all he had to do was fly out here.

"Come on, come on," Alice says, ushering us inside out of the cold. "Why were you guys just standing there?"

"We weren't sure if this was really your building. It seems real fancy. And tall," Bella explains.

Alice laughs. "Yeah, it's ridiculous. Jazz tried to get all proud and fought with me about getting a place on our own, but Renee and Phil are barely ever here and the transition is going to be hard enough without us worrying about spending every dime Jazz makes at his new job on rent. So it looks like we'll be living the high life. At least until I graduate."

Alice seems to be vibrating with joy. I didn't really get what Bella was talkin' about the last couple years, sayin' that Alice was like a zombie in Dillon. I get it now.

I jump a little when the elevator opens directly into a living room.

"Fuck," I mutter. "This is your mom's apartment?"

"Penthouse," Alice says with a shrug as we all exit. "Whatever. I'm just glad there is plenty of room for everyone to stay for Christmas. Even your mom and her new lover could have a room, Bella."

Penthouse. I wonder if Bella wants a penthouse? One of these days I'm gonna need to have a real sit down with Bella and figure out what kinda life she wants with me. I want to give her everything, and if that means penthouses I might just have to try the whole NFL route.

Even if the thought is somewhat exhausting.

Bella scowls. "No, I really do not want. She'll be fine in a damn hotel. It's not like the new guy can't afford it."

Bella has seen Renee a few times since she left our senior year of high school, but never for more than a day or two. When Renee heard that we'd be spending Christmas in the city she decided this was a good opportunity to spend "quality time" with her daughter. Bella is not looking forward to her arrival in a couple days.

I never though we'd end up in New York City of all places for Christmas break, but Bella and I both wanted to get out of Colorado. Em and Rose are finally away on their honeymoon. Charlie took Barbara Denali on a cruise, something Bella really don't like thinkin' about. With Alice and Jazz movin' out here there was really no point in goin' home. And I may not be a big city kinda guy, but you're supposed to be with people you love on Christmas. Bella taught me that.

"Oh, Bella," Alice says, throwing her arms around my girlfriend again. "I'm so glad you're here. I can't wait to show you guys my city. Even if the weather is miserable. That's okay. So many museums!"

Jasper rolls in at this moment with Jackson on his lap. We share looks of displeasure at the whole museum plan.

"Hey, godson," I say, lifting Jackson into my arms. This little guy is just about my favorite person, even if we don't get to hang out nearly enough. I blow a raspberry against his cheek and he giggles, smacking his little baby hands against my face. "He's huge!"

"Well, hello to you too, EC," Jasper says, grinning at me. "It's clear now where your allegiances lie. You're just pretendin' to be my best friend so you can hang out with my kid. Real smooth."

I laugh and pat his shoulder. "Six, you should be proud that your kid is cooler than you."

"Well, I ain't gonna argue with that."

"This is going to be fuckin' great," Alice says, grinning. "What with Jackson's first birthday and Christmas. It's a party already and Coach isn't even here yet."

"Coach is coming?" I ask, perking right up.

"Yup. Him and Esme. They are even staying here."

"Excellent," I reply.

"Well, you're here now. Let's start the party. To the fridge, Edward. Beer lives there." I chuckle because Alice is so weird, but I follow her to the kitchen anyway.

It's where the beer lives, after all.

* * *

><p>I tug at the tie Jazz loaned me and shift in my seat, feeling incredibly uncomfortable. This is the fanciest restaurant I've ever even seen, and I feel like people are starin' at us. Like they know we don't belong.<p>

I may feel uncomfortable as fuck, but Bella just looks bored and irritated.

"She made this freakin' reservation," Bella mutters, scowling towards the entrance. "What kind of person is late to there own reservation?"

"It's only been about ten minutes, Bella," I remind her.

"That's just ten more minutes on the other end of this evening I'll have to be in her presence." Bella lifts her goblet of water and then sets it down without taking a sip. The waiter asked us for drink orders but the wine list was just too scary lookin'. It'll be water till Renee and the new guy get here.

"When did you get this hostile about your mother?" I ask.

"I dunno," Bella says with a sigh. "Really, I thought I came to terms with what a crap parent she is, but it just bugs me that she only cares when it's convenient for her to care, you know? Like when we have our little once a month chats on the phone she isn't interested. I can tell. But then suddenly I'm goin' to New York and she can't stand another minute without seein' me. And now she's late."

"Yeah, she's always been a pretty selfish lady," I reply, scooting my chair closer to her and putting a hand on her thigh. "But on the plus side you look beautiful tonight, Isabella."

She smiles for the first time this evening. "You think I look beautiful every evening," she says. Even after all this time I can make her blush with just a simple statement of fact.

"This dark blue color suits you," I say, whispering in her ear and moving my hand farther up her thigh. "I can't wait to peel this dress off you. I'm gonna expose your skin one inch at a time and then kiss every part of you."

Bella shudders. She looks at my lips as my hand moves closer to where she always seems to want me. And then—

"Bella!"

I expect Bella to jump away from me in shame, but instead she just sighs heavily and slowly pulls away. We stare at each other longingly for another moment before we get up to greet Renee and the new guy.

Still can't seem to manage to remember his name.

While I succeeded in distracting her from her irritation, I took that a little too far. This is gonna be the longest dinner of my life.

"Hey, Mom," Bella says, returning Renee's hug with much less enthusiasm. "It's good to see you."

"I know, honey," Renee gushes. "It's just been ages! Far too long. Promise me we won't let this happen again."

Bella barely contains an eyes roll. If Renee wanted to see Bella so bad she'd come to Colorado. In the two and a half years that we've lived there, Renee hasn't bothered to show up. Not once.

"Anyway, Bella, this is Buddy Garrity. You've heard all about him, of course."

"Of course," Bella says, managing a tight smile. "It's so nice to meet you."

I take in the new guy and am surprised to see that he looks a lot like Charlie. If Charlie was fifty pounds heavier and had grey hair and no mustache, that is. This dude is a fatty and for a stupid moment I wonder why Renee would leave Bella's dad for someone like this but then I remember he's rich as fuck.

"Damn, you're even prettier than your mama said," he says, staring at her body a little too long for my liking. He pulls her into a hug, making her squeak in surprise, and I try not to get pissy about it.

"Thank you, Mr. Garrity," Bella replies, taking a step closer to my side. "This is my boyfriend, Edward."

"Edward," he says, sizing me up. "Good to meet you. You best be treatin' our girl right, you here? Bella's as good as family nowadays, and I take care of family."

He gets deadly serious and I just stare at him, having no idea what to say about that. Our girl? No. Definitely my girl. All mine.

"Look at that face," Garrity says with a laugh. "So intense. I was kiddin', son. Relax."

"Funny," I drawl.

And then things get a little tense.

"Sit, sit," Renee says, flapping her arms. The motion combined with her bright, feathery dress makes her look like some sort of giant bird.

She didn't even say hi to me, not that I expected anything nice from the women who hates me. Bella started hanging up on her whenever Renee would start to talk bad about me. They just don't speak about me now.

I seriously thought about not comin' to this dinner. I thought about drinkin' beer with Jazz and playin' with Jackson, but I'd never sent Bella off to meet the wolves on her own.

Garrity isn't too intimidated by the wine list and gets a bottle pretty much the moment he sits down. All four of us drink greedily. There seems to be some silent understanding that alcohol is the only way to make this bearable.

Except Garrity. I think he just likes to drink.

"So how long have you two been together?" Garrity asks after the appetizer course. I got soup. Seemed like the safest thing on the menu. At least the entrée will be steak. That I can handle.

Garrity fills my glass, frowning when he sees we've already finished the second bottle of the evening. He waves for another.

"How long have we been together, baby?" I ask, grabbing Bella's hand. We tend to fight about when we actually got together. Not a real fight, just something we like to tease each other about.

I say we started from the first time we fell into bed. She says it's when we finally got together for real after Jazz punched me. It's a difference of opinion.

"Oh, I don't know," she replies, smiling at me. "Three, three and a half years. Give or take."

Guess she didn't want to go in to the whole affair cheatin' part of the story for some reason.

"That long?" Garrity asks, surprised. "Damn. I've heard all about you, Bella, from your momma but Renee only mentioned Edward when she told me we'd be coming here for the holiday."

Bella lets out a little snort. Renee shuffles in her seat. I give her an evil smile.

"Oh, that can't be true," Renee mutters, staring determinedly at the table. "You're just bad at listenin', Buddy."

"Well, I ain't gonna argue with that."

The way this dude talks, he's gotta be from Texas originally. Renee sure has a type.

More wine happens. Renee babbles about her stupid life and their stupid plans. I entertain myself with a nice little fantasy about dragging Bella off to the bathroom and giving her an orgasm right in this ridiculously uptight and pretentious restaurant.

At least the steak is good. Damn good.

"So Bella is studyin' to be a teacher, right?" Garrity asks, showing much more interest in Bella's life than her own mother.

"That's right," Bella replies. "I started thinkin' I'd want to teach English to high schoolers but recently I started working with little kids and I love it so I switched from secondary to primary."

"Really? You didn't tell me that," Renee says.

Bella just shrugs.

"Good for you. Teaching is an admirable occupation. My mama was a teacher. A single parent too. Even with me makin' all this money and takin' care of her, she taught fourth grade right up till the end."

More wine. Garrity ain't as bad as I thought he would be, even if his nose gets redder the more he drinks.

"What about you, Ed?" Garrity asks. "Mind if I call you Ed?"

"Ed is great," I reply. "And I'm doin' education too. Music education."

Don't know why I went this route, really. I figured I train up to be a PE teacher, but the music thing is more fun. Hard work too, since I came in to the program with no formal training. I couldn't even read music when I started. That changed real quick.

"Damn, son," Garrity says. "That ain't what I expected to hear from you at all. No offense, but you don't seem like the sensitive, artsy type."

I grin because that is the reaction pretty much everyone has when they hear about what I'm studying in college.

"Yup," Bella says. I can tell by her lazy smile that she's drunk. No surprise really, seein' as she's had about as much as me and I can feel it in my head. "He's my little musician."

I roll my eyes. "I also play football," I say. Even if football doesn't form the entirety of my identity anymore, it's still kinda a big deal.

"See, that's more like it," Garrity says. "Play football how? Like for fun? For school?"

"For school. University of Colorado."

"Damn, son. Good for you. You must be pretty talented then."

"I do all right."

We get to talkin' football then and things ain't so bad. Except Renee puts the kibosh on that real quick.

I stay pretty silent for the rest of the meal and we all go back to listening to Renee blather about her stupid life.

At least Bella looks beautiful. I keep my hand on her thigh until it's finally time to leave.

* * *

><p>"Edward!" Bella scolds in a harsh whisper. "You gotta be quiet. I can't stop Alice form killin' you if you wake up Jackson."<p>

"If this place really is so luxury than why is it so hard to find a goddamn light switch? And if I even to find one how the hell am I supposed to figure out how it works in the dark? Have you seen that thing? It's got about a million buttons."

Bella lets out a huff and grabs my hand. She manages to navigate us to our room in the dark. She even gets a light on before closing the bedroom door behind us.

"You're like Ferdinand Magellan," I say. Talkin' at a normal volume is allowed now. The room we're staying on the opposite side of the apartment so there ain't no way I'm gonna be wakin' the baby now.

"Magellan?" Bella asks with a laugh, kicking off her heels and stretching her arms over her head. "How drunk are you, baby?"

"You navigated us through this giant so called apartment. You're a regular explorer."

Bella smiles softly, kissing me quickly before disappearing in to the bathroom. And what a nice bathroom it is. There's a steam shower. That's some fancy shit. I move to lean in the doorway, watching Bella brush her teeth.

"Do you want the kinda life with control panels instead of light switches?" I ask her.

She gathers her hair in one hand and spits in the sink. "What now?" she asks, having no idea what I'm goin' on about.

"You know, this kinda penthouse life. With the restaurants where there is a waiter type dude just for wine?" I continue.

Bella rinses her mouth and then puts her hair up in a ponytail.

"I ain't followin' you, honey," she says. "My brain is all fuzzy."

I move closer, leaning on the counter right next to her.

"Once upon a time you were a little rich girl," I murmur. She takes off the necklace she was wearing, an ornate oval locket on a long chin. I bought her that at a thrift store. It was about twelve bucks. If she wants diamonds I'll get her the diamond kinda life.

"There is rich and there's rich," she replies with a snort, gesturing to the bathroom around us with its granite countertops and stone floors. "Bein' a little rich girl in Dillon is a totally different thing than bein' a little rich girl here."

"Do you want to be a rich grown up lady here?" I ask.

"Do I want to move to New York? Is that what you're askin' me?" she clarifies, her eyes narrowing at me in confusion.

"Well, not New York specifically. I ain't that good. I'd go where they'd have me. Probably wouldn't manage a draft pick, although it's possible. I'd do okay as a walk on, though. I'm pretty sure. It's all just a big old long shot and would be a whole lot of work, though. Whole lotta work."

Bella just stares blankly. I remember that I've never really broached this whole NFL thing with her before, minus that one little moment on the way back from Dillon last summer. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it and talking to her would mean that I'd have to figure out how I feel about that path. And I just don't know. College football is already way to serious for me, and I love bein' on the field but all the practice and talking to people stuff is like work.

"Phil, Alice's stepdad, he's a professional athlete."

Bella nods.

"Professional athletes tend to make a lot of money."

"Oh," Bella says, finally getting it. "Oh, this is about you. Your future."

"Our future," I correct. "This is about our future."

"Should we really be having this conversation right now? All drunk and stuff."

"We ain't that drunk," I dismiss.

"Do you want to play football professionally? Do you want to make it your career?" she asks.

"I dunno. Does that even really matter?"

"Edward," Bella says, taking my face in between her hands. She does this when she really, really wants me to listen. I focus on her words, not how sexy her lips are. "That is the only thing that matters. If tryin' to work towards the NFL is something you really want to do, than I want you to do that."

"But what do you want?" I ask, frustrated with this response. I want what she wants. Can't she see that?

"I want what you want," she says. I laugh and shake my head.

"I want to know what you want."

This is gettin' a little confusing. Maybe we are too drunk. Oh well. We've committed at this point.

"We're simple kinda people," she murmurs. "I know I wasn't always like this, but I really don't need much to be happy. I don't need a penthouse and lights that look like they belong on a space ship. What I do need is for you to be passionate about what you do. If that's football, great. If it's bein' a high school band teacher or coaching little kids, that's great too."

Damn, I'm stupid. I know Bella better than to think she needs a lot of money to be happy. I just want to give her the whole world.

"Okay," I whisper, wrapping my arms around her waist.

She gives me a quick kiss and then starts peeling off her clothes. "But that don't mean we can't enjoy the fancy while we're here. Let's try out that steam shower!"

Like I'm gonna argue with anything that involves a naked Bella.

* * *

><p>"You know, my first instinct is to stop you from mixin' that up," Coach says, walking to the kitchen to see me adding whiskey to eggnog.<p>

"Aw, Coach," I reply with a chuckle. "This ain't even illegal anymore. Not since my twenty-first last summer. Am I gonna be a punk kid forever in your eyes?"

"Probably," he says. "At least a little bit. Hell, my own kid has a kid and Alice is gonna be my little girl forever, I tell you what."

I offer him a drink. He takes is with a nod of thanks.

"Shame that I ain't had a chance to take you out for a beer yet," he says, smacking his lips as he takes a drink. "Not a lot of time on the rare day when you roll into town."

"Yeah, it's been a busy couple years." And it has. Too busy for my likin'. "Frankly, it's been rather exhausting."

"College football will do that to you."

"And I thought you worked us hard at Dillon," I reply. "No offense, but that ain't nothin'. It's like a job or somethin'," I mutter.

"Don't I know it," he says with a slight smile, obviously remembering his own college days. "It is a job. They're payin' your way through college, ain't they?"

"That they are," I say, noddin'.

"You know, my old man still hasn't forgiven me for not tryin' to make a run for the pros after college," he says.

I narrow my eyes at him, worried for one little irrational moment that he somehow heard Bella and me's little chat last night. But that's just stupid because he didn't even get here till this morning.

"Yeah?" I ask. "You didn't have much interest in the NFL, Coach?"

"Well, I dunno," he replies with a shrug. "Hurt my arm at the end of my junior season. That choice got taken from me, but mostly I think it's for the best. Back then I wasn't very good at tellin' my pop no and I didn't particularly like how the game became a job in college either."

There's somethin' about Coach. He always just knows.

"Though, I guess technically football is still my job," he continues, sippin' more nog.

I let out a chuckle.

"Aw, Coach. That's just stupid."

He raises an eyebrow and I cower a little because Coach is not the kinda guy you go around callin' stupid.

"I just mean… it obviously ain't just a job to you. You change a lot of lives, Coach." I feel like a cheesy asshole, but it needed to be said. "I don't think I woulda made it to Colorado at all if you didn't get involved. Well, and Bella."

"Have I mentioned that I'm proud of you, son?" Coach asks, smiling slightly. I feel like a total pansy when I get a little but chocked up with his praise.

"Not that I can recall," I reply.

"Well, I am."

I just nod, not really havin' the words.

"Aw, son. What do you want? A hug?" he asks with a mock scowl. "Come on, let's join the family."

We do just that. Bella give me a funny look when I sit down next to her but then she cuddles closer, kissing my cheek.

As far as Christmases go, this one ain't so bad.

* * *

><p>"Dad, I how many times are we gonna have this argument?" Bella asks with a sigh as we drive down thirty-six. "Yes, I know Edward has a couple weeks off. We ain't comin' home this summer because we're movin'. Is this really such a hard concept to understand?"<p>

She pauses, listening, and rhythmically smacks her head into my window. I smile as she struggles for patience.

"Charlie, I would never leave Edward here on his only little break until Christmas basically to move us in to our new place. What kind of horrible person do you think you raised? He would do it wrong anyway."

I frown at this last little statement, but then she turns and sticks her tongue out at me, so I know she's just playin'.

"Well, if you want to see me so bad your just gonna have to come visit. We're still gettin' settled right now but June or July or August…"

Great, something to look forward to.

"No, you can not bring your girlfriend."

Another pause.

"I refuse to acknowledge how serious you are, Dad. Listen, we're just pullin' up now. I'll call you in a couple days, okay? Once everything is a little less… Yeah, I love you too. Bye."

Bella drops her phone in her lap and lets out a groan, letting her head hit the headrest.

"That bad, huh?" I ask.

"I know I shouldn't get this irritated with him. He just wants to see me and it has been since spring break and we do usually go home right after school gets out but we have so much to do," she babbles.

I grab her hand and kiss her knuckles.

"I'm sorry this is all so stressful for you, love," I say, pulling off the highway.

"Movin' is stressful for pretty much everyone," she replies.

"Especially Liam," I muse thinkin' about how my former roommate almost cried when we finally packed away the last of my shit in the bed of my truck twenty minutes ago.

"He gonna miss you," Bella says. "I think it's sweet."

I roll my eyes. "Don't know what he's so upset about. It's not like I left him in a lurch, roommate wise with Paul movin' in. And we've got all our teacher classes together. I'll see him everyday and will probably end up crashin' on his couch at least a couple times a month when I need to be on campus late."

"He doesn't like change," Bella says as I pull off the main road and on to a short, dirty one. "Us shackin' up is making him feel like a grown up."

"Well, it sure ain't makin' him act like one," I mutter.

Bella lets out another sigh as I come around a corner and park next to the Honda Bella bought last fall. I grin we I see the small house that is now ours.

At least for the next year or so anyway.

When we decided to live together and commute to our schools for this last year, I thought we'd just end up in some standard apartment complex surrounded by mini malls right off the highway. Instead, I got to talkin' with this guy who owns a huge amount of land pretty much in the middle of Boulder and Denver. Apparently he used to be all on his own out here, but there's been a shit ton of development in the last thirty years, makin' his land pretty close to the highway, supermarkets, malls, and the like. It was just one of those things. I told him his property sounded awesome. He mentioned that he had a small cabin on the edge of it he wanted to rent.

He even lowered the price if I promised to make improvements, fix up the plumbing and the like.

The result is Bella and I in a cabin in the woods. Well, it feels like we're livin' in the woods but we're actually close to everythin'.

It's perfect. More perfect than seems possible.

"You love it out here, don't you?" Bella asks, grinning at me as she hops out of my truck.

"There's less stuff around," I reply, coming around the side of the truck and grabbing her hips as she attempts to start unloading the last of my shit. I push her into the side of my vehicle. "Less people."

"No one around to hear me scream?" she asks with a smile. "That kinda thing?"

I grab her chin, grin at her, and give her a hard kiss.

"Don't you distract me, Cullen," she says, swatting playfully at my shoulder. "We've got unpacking to do and only five days to do it."

Five days until I go back to football and she goes back to work. I used to dread it, the end of our little breaks when we'd have to go back to our own towns. This time every night we'll be goin' home to each other.

"Five days is plenty of time to unpack and then some, babe," I reply.

Bella smiles, kisses my cheek, and then turns to grab a box from the back. I grab two and follow her up the front walk to our little house. Holding the box against her hip, Bella struggles with the keys for a moment before getting the front door open. We both dump our boxes off in the living room before surveying the chaos.

Beyond the living room is a small, but fully equipped kitchen and an equally tiny dinning nook. The back door opens into a deck and more woods.

Upstairs is our bedroom.

"All this mess is gonna drive me crazy," Bella mutters with a frown. I shake my head because while I was standin' here marveling at the perfection, she was frettin' about the mess.

"It ain't so bad."

She gives me a scathing look and I laugh.

"Bella," I say, wrappin my arms around her. "This is our place."

She leans back against me. "Yeah, it really is. Isn't it?"

"Yours and mine. You sure you like this place? It's kinda removed from society and whatnot," I say, worryin' now that I didn't pay enough attention to what she wanted.

"Edward," she says with a laugh. Although I can't see her face with her in my arms like this, I can visualize her eye roll. "There is a Safeway five minutes down the road. It's gonna take us half an hour tops to get to our schools everyday. We've been through this as many times as I've talked to Charlie about not visiting this summer."

"Alright, alright. As long as you're happy. I just want to make you happy," I murmur, my lips against her temple.

"We're simple people, Edward, remember? This is just perfect."

I squeeze her a little tighter.

"And I'll be happy when everything is put away."

I let her go as I sigh heavily. Time to get to it.

* * *

><p><strong>So I'd love to hear your opinion of the whole NFL verse the simple life thing. Or really anything else you'd like to say.<strong>


	28. Senior Year

**This isn't done. And it certainly isn't edited. I haven't even looked at it since I wrote it a couple weeks ago.**

**Tuesday I saw the mountain behind my home catch fire. Scariest thing of my life. I just happened to be visiting my parents last weekend from Boulder and stayed to help them out. Our cars were stuffed with valuables, clothes, photo albums, art, because we were expecting to evacuated, just not so quickly. Nor did we think the flames would be so close. My family cleared out of there really fast, pets in tow. The Waldo Canyon Fire burned down 347 homes in the Mountain Shadows neighborhood of Colorado Springs. Mine was miraculously spared for the most part (probably). Many of my friends, neighbors, and people I've known my whole life are now homeless. Pictures taken from the air are truly devastating. The fire still rages and we we have no idea when we'll be let back into the neighborhood, but everyone is safe. As of now, not even a fire fighter has been hurt. **

**The whole state seems to be on fire.**

**I'm thankful my family is safe. I'm thankful my neighbors are safe. Still, it will be a rough couple of weeks and I just don't have it in me to write. But I will finish. I'm not one to leave things incomplete, just have some patients. **

**Pray for Colorado. I just can't write this happy couple in my burning state.**

**Thanks for understanding. I don't own Twilight or FNL. I'm thankful do still have a home, as smoke damaged as it might be.**

* * *

><p>Most nights when I get back to our little cabin in the woods I'm tried. It's being tired in the good way. It's fulfillment, knowing that when I'm gone during the day I'm learning skills for the future or providing for myself. It's knowing that when I walk through the front door I can relax in a place that truly feels like home.<p>

That's mostly because of the man I come home too.

I didn't even realize how much I was missing out on until I moved in with Edward. Before we felt the need to pack our time with activities, trying to get enough of each other to last until the next visit. Some of my favorite times now are the quite moments when we're both reading or studying. We stay close together. It's peaceful out here and I love it.

Tonight when I pull in to our little gravel driveway I'm especially tired. It was a long day of classes and teaching. This semester I'm in the classroom a lot which is great. Unfortunately today the third graders I've been working with are particularly wound up. I did more discipline than assisting the teacher today, but I didn't mind.

I park next to Edward's truck. I left before the sun was even up this morning. Edward barely managed to grunt out a goodbye before falling back to sleep. I don't know if he drove or took the bus today, so I have no idea if I'll find him inside.

I grin when I find our front door unlocked.

"Bella?" he class from the kitchen. I can't see him but he sure sounds busy in there. "You're early, baby."

"Am not," I reply, dumping my backpack on the couch and kicking off my shoes. "I got off work at six thirty."

"Shit, it's already after seven? Fuck."

"What in the world is goin' on in there, Edward?" I ask, approaching the kitchen. "Are you cookin'? Why in the world are you cookin'?"

The man can barely make toast.

"I don't like your tone, missy," he says, scowling at me when I appear in the entryway. "I'm tryin' to be a good boyfriend here, and your amusement sure ain't appreciated."

"Baby, you're cookin' for me?" It amazes me how even after all this time he can surprise me.

"I'm tryin' my best."

"Aw," I say, goin' up on my tip toes to kiss him quikly. "Thank you."

"It's just mac and cheese," he says, looking embarrassed. Edward still hasn't managed to be totally comfortable bein' so sweet.

"That sounds perfect," I reply, kissing him once more.

"Hey, now. No distractin' me. Outta here," he says, handing me a glass of wine as he shooes me. "Sit your pretty little butt out on the back deck. This will be done in just a few."

I do as he says, pleased to see he's set the little patio table with placemats and our miss-matched silverware. He even has a couple wildflowers in a glass in the center.

I let out a big sigh as I sit. Between teaching this morning and working at the coffee shop with afternoon, it feels like I've been on my feet forever. Edward has picked the perfect night to be even more perfect.

I sip my wine and give myself a few moments to revel in how lucky I am to have this life.

"It ain't fancy," Edward says as he slips out through the sliding glass door. "But you're always cookin' me dinner and it just don't seem right."

He sets down the pot of steaming pasta on the table along with a bowl of salad. I grin at him, beyond pleased. The salad is just how I make them. I guess he's been paying attention.

"I added some of those hatch green chili things. I know how you like spicy stuff," he continues, sitting down next from me. "Is that okay?"

He is just so sweet I almost can't stand it.

"You are the perfect man," I tell him, joyfully filling both our plates. "You made me dinner." I take a bite. "And it's so good."

"Really?" he asks, lookin' skeptical. He takes a bite of goopy, spicy, cheesy awesomeness and grins at me. "Damn."

"So is there a particular reason for this meal?" I ask. "Some special occasion I forgot about?"

"Nope. Just had some time this evenin' and I knew you'd be tired. Wednesdays are your long day."

"I love you." The words are spoken through a mouthful of mac and cheese.

Edward grins that lazy grin of his. "You better, Swan. You think I'd cook for just any girl? Hell no."

* * *

><p>"I hate senior year," Maggie declares, poking at her otherwise untouched sandwich a pouting.<p>

"You hate everything," Kate replies.

"I don't hate you, Katie-girl," Maggie says, leaning over and kissing Kate right on the mouth. Kate sputters a lot, turns red, and vigorously wipes at her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Shit, Kate. I thought college had done a pretty good job of curing you of your homophobia," Maggie says, shaking her head.

"That's not it," Kate replies, still looking disgusted. "I know all too well where that mouth has been."

I let out a little snort at that because Maggie is the queen of over sharing and then go back to my salad when Maggie gives me the death glare.

When we moved into the cabin I was real worried that I'd never see my girlfriends anymore. And it was a little strange, going from seeing each other all the time to having to plan get togethers, but we manage. We do lunch three times a week at the very least.

"Why do you hate senior year, Maggie?" I ask, focusing my former roommates. I really don't know how they manage to have one sensible conversation without me to mediate.

"Because it means it's almost over," she whines, pouting again. "Do you know how great I have it? My parents pay for everything. I can do pretty much whatever I want as long as I get good grades. The moment I get that diploma in my hand I'm off the teat."

I choke a little on my lettuce. "Teat?"

"You know, teat." She jiggles around one of her boobs. "The money teat of my parents wealth. This is the end of it, ladies. This time year it's going to be all paying bills and having a job and responsibility and shit."

"And growing up?" I ask, shaking my head at her.

"Look, I know that I'm damn lucky to have parents who pay for my shit, but that doesn't mean I have to like the loss of my teat," Maggie continues.

"Can you stop saying teat?" Kate requests.

"Teat, teat, teat."

"Wow, Maggie," I say. "I'm glad to see you acting like a grown up."

"Fuck you, Swan. If you are so smug and superiors where are you going to be next year?" she asks.

"I dunno," I reply with a shrug. "Teaching somewhere."

"Where ever Edward ends up for football?" Kate asks.

"Maybe. Probably not. It's just that… he doesn't seem to want to go pro," I tell them.

"Well, that's stupid. It's buckets of money and being on T.V. and stuff," Maggie replies.

"It's really not that much money to start with. Plus it's also a lot of travel and being away from me and all that pressure and pageantry that is just part of the turf. And then there's the physical toll. Injury and brain damage," I reply with a barely contained shudder.

"You don't want him to do it," Kate comments.

"You guys know what I'm like when he gets on that field," I mutter, feeling like an idiot. After all these years I should be used to seeing him get pummeled, but I'm terrified every time another players even gets close to him.

They nod and look at me with sympathy.

"Plus, he doesn't like the way the game becomes about money."

"So you guys are just going to be broke teachers for the rest of your lives?" Maggie asks.

"It don't sound so bad to me," say, smiling slightly. "I did the whole rich girl thing once. There was a lot about that person I once was I didn't like."

Maggie looks at me like I'm crazy but Kate smiles.

"I wonder where we'll all end up," Kate muses.

"You're going to invent the hover car or some shit," Maggie says. "And Bella's going to pop out about a thousand babies. I'm going to marry a billionaire."

"What does Liam have to say about that?" I ask.

"Oh, like Liam and I are going to be together forever," Maggie dismisses with a snort. "Not everyone can be like you and Ed. We're not built to last passed college."

"Does Liam know that?" asks Kate.

"He knows. He doesn't like it, but in time he'll come to see I'm right."

Kate and I exchange a look because after all these years Maggie still can't manage to admit how much she loves the guy, even if it's obvious to the rest of us. She ain't ever gonna be happy until she accepts that being vulnerable with someone ain't weakness.

"I miss Texas," I confess.

My friends look at me like I'm crazy.

"If my life turns out with me popping out lots of babies and teaching 2nd grade in Dillon, Texas, I'd be more than okay with that," I tell them.

"You're fuckin' crazy," Maggie mutters.

"Aren't we all."

My phone rings, interrupting whatever Maggie wanted to say about my future. I smile when I see it's Edward.

"Hey, baby," I answer.

"What you up to, Bella?" he asks.

"Oh, just enjoying lunch with the girls. Are you in Boulder?" Edward took summer classes so he could have a pretty light schedule this year. He's pretty much done with his music degree and only has four education classes plus his student teaching next semester until he's done.

Well, and his thesis, too. Can't forget about that.

"Yeah. With Liam. He dragged me to the pound with him after class," Edward replies.

"Why in the world?"

"I don't know, Isabella," Edward says with a sigh. "He wants a pet rat. Apparently he thinks they're cute."

"Do they even have rats at the animal shelter?" I ask.

"Oh my God, did Liam get a rat?" Maggie yells, tugging at my elbow.

"What, Edward?" I ask after shushing my friend.

"Turns out they're fresh out of rats. Liam's gonna have to go to a regular old pet store."

I relay the information to Maggie who is way more disappointed than I thought possible. It's a rat. That's disgusting. They are all diseased and gross. Definitely not pet material.

"But… uh…" Edward is all nervous and stuttering now. My eyes narrow in suspicion as I wait for him to spit it out. "You're gonna be pissed."

"What did you do, Edward?" I demand. Kate and Maggie look at me in concern, surprised by how deadly my voice is, I imagine.

"Well… I know it ain't right and we've never talked about something like this but I just couldn't not so please don't hate me." Edward talks faster than I thought possible.

"What, did you buy a fish or somethin'?" I guess.

"Well yeah... If by fish you mean dog."

I'm silent for a good long time.

"Bella?" he asks, sounding nervous, as he should be. "Yah still there, babe? Did you hear me?"

"I'm really hoping I heard you wrong."

"Bella—"

"That's a lot of work, Edward! And money because you have to feed it I assume and all that," I shout, "And who's the one that will be cleanin' up after it pees in the living room, huh?"

"Bella—"

"Honestly, what were you thinkin'? We don't know anything about having a dog! I've never had a pet in my whole life."

"I had a dog once," he says.

"Oh yeah? And what happened to it?" I demand.

"I may have left the front door open and it may have run off."

"This is unbelievable," I mutter.

"Bella, they were leadin' him back to the room," he says.

"The room?"

"You know, the death room."

I pause for a minute, not liking this one bit.

"How do you even know that?" I ask.

"I asked where they were leading him. He's a stray and he'd been there for close to a month," Edward replies. "They just don't got room, Bella. No one wanted him."

I hate how Edward's earnestness is weakening my resolve. I let out a big sigh.

"Maybe. Bring him home. We'll consider this a trial run."

"Great! You'll love him, Bella!"

He hangs up before I can change my mind.

When I slowly set my phone on the table Maggie and Kate take in my conflicted expression and laugh at me a bunch.

"Consider this practice for all those babies you're gonna make," Maggie says through her giggles.

* * *

><p>"Edward…" His name is all I can manage as I stare wide-eyed and mouth gaping. "Edward."<p>

"Bella?" he replies. I hear him shuffling around next to me as I stare dumbly down at the mongrel chowing down at my feet. The first thing Edward did after introducing me to his new… _acquisition_ was pour it a bowl of kibble.

I've been standing here staring at it for about seven minutes, having no idea what to say.

"What's wrong with it?" I finally manage.

"Nothin'!" Edward replies, looking genuinely offended. "He's your run of the mill, 20 pound, two year old mutt. Some sort of terrier, chow mix I'm told."

"He's missin' an ear!"

"Look at how he wags his curly little tail as he eats," Edward says, completely ignoring me. "Ain't he the cutest?"

Edward coos. He actually coos. I turn to gape at him instead of the beast.

"Who are you?" I ask, really having no idea in this moment.

"Bella," he says, exasperated with me apparently. "Look, I don't want you to be gettin' jealous or nothin', but today, for the second time in my life, I fell in live at first sight."

"With that?" The dog is shaggy about seventeen different shades of brown and tan, and then there's the whole ear thing. At least he appears somewhat clean.

"What's so wrong with him? He ain't that ugly."

"He's missin' an ear."

"That's why we're callin' him Vincent."

I do more gaping at Edward in horror. "As in Van Gogh?" I shriek.

Edward just grins that cocky smirk of his.

"That's sick," I mutter.

"It's creative," Edward corrects.

"Who did you love at first sight with the first time?" I demand, stomping my foot and pouting and everything.

"Who do you think?" he asks, staring at me like I'm touched in the head.

"Really?" I grin like an idiot and forget for a moment that Edward has brought this thing into our home. Without consulting me at all first.

"Yes, you fool," he murmurs, bumping his shoulder into me. Again, I can't stop grinnin'. A cold nose against my calf ends the moment and makes me squeak. The little mongrel is starin' up at me with big blue eyes. He looks so happy. If I didn't know better, I'd swear he was smilin'. The way his whole body moves as he wags his curled over tail makes me tentatively crouch down to get to know him a little better.

He gives my hand a good sniff as I kneel in front of him before he moves closer. It makes me nervous and I tense for a moment. The mutt, or Vincent, then pushes his head into my lap, snuggling into me. He burrows his head against me with such enthusiasm, my trepidation melts away. All the logical reasons why this is the wrong time to adopt a dog fly right outta my head.

It is the single most adorable thing I've ever seen.

I glance up, searching out Edward with wide eyes.

"Oh, good grief," I murmur as Edward watches me with that smirk. "I'm in love."

"Yeah you are," Edward says, crouching down to scratch Vincent's side. "I sure can pick 'em, can't I, baby?"

"Welcome to the family, Vin," I mumble.

Vincent the one eared mutt proves the perfect addition to our cabin in the Colorado woods.

* * *

><p>Tonight, like most nights in our cabin, is quiet. I sit curled up on the couch under a blanket with Vincent in my lap and a book in my hands.<p>

The reading selection is not my usual. For next week I have to write up a lesson plan on _Holes _by Louis Sachar for the fifth grade class I've been working with this semester. In preparation for our student teaching next semester, both Edward and I are spending a good amount of time in actually classrooms. He's in a middle school and a high school. I'm in a kindergarten class and a fifth grade class.

This particular book was one of my favorites and I should be able to breeze through in one evening. Tonight, however, I've only managed to get through about fifteen pages since we settled down to study after dinner.

For seemingly the thousandth time in the last few minutes my eyes dart up to stare at the reason for my distraction. I bite my lip and tap my fingers against the binding of my paperback.

Edward is sitting across the room at our kitchen table, looking far to glorious in just jeans and a t-shirt. He types away at his laptop, occasionally stopping to reference the books and papers spread out around him or to remove the bulky head phones from his ears and run both hands through his hair.

He's told me what he's working on but tonight I just can't stay focus on anything other than how painfully sexy my boyfriend is. Usually I live in a perpetual state of being aware of his overwhelming sexiness, but tonight it's all I can think about.

I let out a frustrated huff and try, yet again, to go back to my book. I moment later I glance up to see if Edward noticed my huff, but he's just trying away.

This is getting ridiculous. What is wrong with me? Despite our busy schedules now that we're living together we manage to do it quite frequently. Even Rosalie was impressed when she badgered me into admitting that on an average week we have sex five or six times.

And yet I still want him. There's no denying it. In this moment I want him like crazy.

I know he has work to do and I have work to do, but I've officially had enough.

Carefully I set down my book and move Vincent aside. The dog lets out a little irritated whimper and seems to scowl at me before settling down again. I took him for a nice long walk when I got home today and I've whipped him out.

"Hey, baby," I say, approaching him and doing my best to walk with a sway in my hips.

Edward does a double take and for one little moment I feel bad for distracting him when he's working so hard. A studious Edward is not something I'd ever thought I'd see.

"Isabella," Edward says, leaning back in his chair. The way he drags out and exaggerates the syllables of my name sends a little shiver of pleasure up my spine. His eyes rake down my body and that look on his face makes me feel sexy, even in a flannel shirt of his and black tights.

"How you doin' over here?" I ask, my own voice low and raspy. He grabs my wrist when I get close and pulls me into his lap.

"Kinda on a roll, actually," he replies. I read a few lines on the computer to see that he's workin' on his thesis for his music degree. It's good stuff right there.

"Damn, look at you," I murmur, impressed.

"Like I said," he replies, reaching around me to save his document. "I'm on a roll. How's your book?"

I hum noncommittally and push my hand through his hair.

"Wanna take a break?" I murmur, letting my lips touch the shell of his ear, just barely.

He looks up at me dark eyes as his hands tighten on my hips. But then his look of lust turns to one of pain. That look is unfamiliar. That look I don't understand.

"Baby…" he says, sounding apologetic. "I'm just… I'm on a roll, yah know?"

I gape at him, totally shocked.

"Not that I don't want too," he says in a rush. I think he's misreading my expression, taking it to mean I'm offended when I'm really just shocked. "I really, really want to but I can't just leave this hangin'."

More gaping on my part.

"Wow," I say when I finally find my voice. My lips slowly curve into a smile. "Edward Cullen, turnin' down sex in favor of hittin' the box. Never did I think I'd see the day."

"Are you teasin' me?" he asks, sounding like a petulant child. "You're teasing me."

"No I ain't!" I insist, giving him a joyous little hug. "I promise. I love it. It's great."

"Well, now that just hurts my feelings," he mumbles.

"Oh, honey," I say with a little giggle. My laughing is probably not helping things so I take his face in between my hands and give him a quick, hard kiss. "You rock my world, baby. But I like you bein' interested in more than just beer, football, and sex."

"You do?"

"Yeah," I continue, running my fingers through his hair. "It's like you're all grown up or somethin'."

"I love you," Edward says, probably just because he can't think of anything else.

"Don't I know it," I reply, getting off his lap. Even through I'm proud of his commitment to his studies I make sure to sway my hips as I walk away.

Edward lets out a groan and when I turn around his forehead is against the kitchen tabletop.

"Give me in hour," Edward mumbles into the wood. I smile a knowing smile.

"It's a date," I reply as I grab my book and head up the stairs.

It's closer to thirty minutes than an hour when Edward finds me in only my underwear, lounging on our bed.

But who's countin'?

* * *

><p>After the last football game of the season there is a banquet on the club level of Folsom Field. This happens every year, but it's different now that Edward's graduating in the spring. It's a bitter sweet affair for even me. Although football here is totally different than in Dillon, there is still community. I've gotten to know some of the players Edward likes and their girlfriends. It's a nice little community, but realistically the chances of us all stayin' in touch without football are not great.<p>

The end of college is near. Just one more semester. I'm sad to see it go and thrilled to live what's next.

If I'm gettin' a weepy at the thought of Edward's last real football game than I can't imaging what he's feeling. Of course he's bein' characteristically tight lipped about the whole thing, simply shruggin' when I ask about it.

Getting off the bus by the University Memorial Center on CU's campus, I smooth out the fabric of my dress before I set off towards the field where Edward will meet me. It's Friday night, so he just stayed up here after his one class this afternoon. The walk is short and for this I'm thankful. In honor of Edward's last banquet as a Buff I really went all out, even buying a new dress. The grey-green dress is tight, hitting a couple inches below my knee, with wide straps and a sweetheart defense of the cold I wear a fitted black leather jacket Edward bought me two birthdays ago. I'm pleased that I've managed to pull off the perfect combo of sexy and classy.

"Wow, Bella," Paul from the team calls, falling into step beside me. "You look good."

"I look great," I correct him, eliciting a deep chuckle from him. "You don't look so bad yourself. Hot date?"

"Nope. Flying solo. Most of us aren't as whipped as your boy," Paul replies, grinning at me. I roll my eyes because Paul has the tendency to be pretty obnoxious. He's conveniently forgetting about the girl he dated for the first half of college that broke his heart.

"So are you sad?" I ask. "No more football and all that."

We get to the elevators and Paul gallantly gestures for me to enter before him. Again, I roll my eyes.

"Yeah. Pretty damn sad. It's hard not to be jealous of the ones good enough to try from the pros," Paul replies, sounding wistful. For one crazy little moment I want to ask him what he thinks about Edward decision, but refrain. I don't know or trust him that much. "But football was just a way for me to get through college. I'm the first in my family to graduate, don't you know."

"Congrats, Paul," I reply. "That's pretty cool."

"Well, assuming I pass everything next semester."

I laugh at this as the doors open and we get out in the large banquet hall on the club level. The sun is just goin' down over the Flatirons, the mouths flanking Boulder. The view of the field and beyond is pretty spectacular.

Not nearly as spectacular as the view of the boy that rushes over, spotting me pretty much the moment I step out of the elevator.

"Cullen!" Paul yells, extending a hand. "What's up man."

Edward fist bumps with Paul, never taking his eyes off me. I grin and blush when I take in the way his eyes rank down my body.

"Hey," I manage as Edward stops his approach, getting' as close as possible with out actually touching me. And it's ridiculous the I always seem to want him, even at this last football banquet we'll ever attend.

"Damn." He takes my coat and walks the few feet to the coat check, dealing with that and continuing to stare at me. "Double damn," he mutters when he gets back to me.

"Edward," I admonish, playfully smacking his arm with the back of my hand. He grabs it and pulls it to hold against his chest. I stumble into him, not used to wearing heels.

"How am I supposed to focus on anything at all tonight but how beautiful you look?" he whispers in my ear, one hand moving to the small of my back to hold me flush against him. "Answer me that?"

"I don't got an answer," I reply. Something about flirting with Edward always makes the Texas really come out in my voice. "I like you focused on only how beautiful I am."

Edward smiles the soft little smile reserved just for me before kissing me with bone melting tenderness. It's slow and perfect and over far too soon.

"Where's Vincent?" Edward asks when he pulls away from me. I blink up at him, taking a moment to understand what he's askin'. That kiss makes language sound strange.

"Vincent? Really?" I ask, crossing my arms over my chest. "You baby him, Edward."

"I do not."

I just stare at him. Edward usually takes Vincent to class with him on days he's at the college and not in an elementary or secondary classroom, passing our dog off to Liam while he practices. It's completely obscene and I don't know a single professor at DU that would allow a dog to attend class, but it's a very Boulder thing, treatin' your dog like a person.

I wonder if this is how it will be when we have actual children. Edward pampering them with me as the bad guy. Lordy, I sure hope not.

"Edward, this is a fancy end of the season banquet," I remind him. "Not the place for a mangy, one eared mutt."

Edward somehow manages to pull off a half scowl, half pout.

"Come on," I say, straightening his tie. I know he hates to be in anything other than jeans and a t-shirt or football clothes, but he sure can rock a suit. "Let's go mingle."

The next hour or so is cocktails. People mills about and schmooze before dinner and the speeches and the awards for the season and all that. I recognize most of them – high ups at the school, the team and their dates, the administration and coaching staff of the football program, and the alumni who always make the biggest donation.

I'm charming and bright. Edward is quiet as he struggles to hide his boredom and drinks steadily. The fancy dinner party thing ain't so bad on occasion, but to be honest I would rather be curled up in our little cabin in the woods by a fire with our dog.

I think Edward's hate of talking to people like this and remembering their names and pretending to care because they are rich and powerful is a big part of why he's not interested goin' pro.

He drags me outside to the box seats that fill up every Saturday durin the season. It's empty and dark now, and we go stand at the very edge of the balcony looking down at the field.

"You okay, baby?" I ask, rubbing his shoulder.

"Yeah," replies, wrapping his suit jacket around my shoulders. "I know I should be all sad and nostalgic, but I'm kinda relieved. No more of this crap." Edward gestures to the fancy party.

"But you'll miss bein' a player," I push. "You love it."

"Yeah, I love the game. But it's time for somethin' new, Bella. I'd say I've pretty thoroughly proved myself on the football field. I'm ready for the next part," he assures me.

"Me too," I reply. "Also completely terrified of the real world. But still I want the next part. With you."

Edward grins. "Well, that goes without sayin', my love."

All too soon its time to good back in for dinner. Garrett appears, surprising everyone because he graduated last year and went pro with the Denver Broncos, but apparently he's in town. He and Edward pay no attention to the carefully thought out place settings, and Garrett ends up at our table.

The food is good and conversation better. It's great to see Garrett again, even if he does give Edward a mountain of shit for not continuing with football. Edward just grins his lazy grin and shrugs, feeling no need to explain himself, as is the usual.

Still, despite ragging on Edward apparently goin' pro ain't all stars and rainbows. For Garrett, a virtual nobody that got lucky, it's a lot of work, a lot of travel, and a whole lot of politics.

"But I'm not complaining," Garrett assures us. "Hell no. You should see the women."

I give him a dark look, causing Edward to laugh and rub the back on my neck with a large hand.

"So seriously, what about you two?" Garrett asks. "Are you love birds engaged yet?"

Again I blush beet red. Again Edward chuckles.

"Let us graduate first," Edward says, shaking his head. "Alright, buddy?"

"Oh, is that your plan?" I ask.

Edward shrugs. Right now I hate that shrug.

"Have you ever seen anything more romatic than that?" I ask Garrett sardonically.

"Nope," Garrett says, smiling as he brings his drink to his lips. "You two are totally going to the distance."

"Damn right," Edward replies.

* * *

><p>"I am so proud of you," I gush, wrapping my arms around him as we walk to Edward's truck. I stumble a little, the side effects of too much drink and too high shoes.<p>

"Yeah, Bella," he says. I can hear the smile in his voice. "You've mentioned that."

"Edward!" I yell, scolding him as he opens the passengers door and helps me into the cab. "This is a very big deal. Did you know this was gonna happen?"

I wait impatiently as he slowly walks around the car and slides behind the wheel.

"Well? Did you?" I ask.

"No, baby," he replies, putting is arm on the seat behind me as he pulls out of the parking lot and heads for the highway. "You saw me when they called my name. It was definitely a shock."

He set his shiny plaques down on the seat between us. I pick it up, surprised by how heavy it is. I smile softly as I run my fingers over his name.

"The CU Buffalos Heart Award," I murmur. "For the player who shows the most heart, on the field and off."

"That's me, baby," he murmurs. I can tell by his shocked voice, and the way his face lit up when they called his name earlier tonight that this means a lot to him. As it should.

"You should call Coach," I tell him.

"First thing in the morning," he agrees. "Not that this is gonna be news to him. He's been sayin' it for years, after all."

"Not a bad way to end your football playin' career."

"Not bad at all."

I slide over on the bench seat until I'm tucked into his side.

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah, senior year for Edward and Bella is only half done. I'm not sure if I'll finish this chapter, but I owe you at least one more epilogue. Promise.<strong>

**Their little cabin in the woods would be screwed in the case of a forrest fire. Not a lot of fire mitigation going on in the woods. **

**I really hope you liked this. I wouldn't even be posting, but I needed something to do besides sit in a hotel with my cat and think about my neighborhood.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	29. Build It On Up

**So long time no see. It's been the worst summer ever and writing is hard. But, things are looking up. So many of you were so kind about the fire thing, and it really helped. Thank you so much.**

**Also thank you for sticking with this story. There will probably be one more chapter as this little epi, but it's kinda silly. It will be up soon.**

**I've got something else in the works. It's a big project for me and it's way more canon than I usual do, so I want to have it at least halfway betaed and posted before posting. On a related note, does anyone want to beta for me? You can read it first!**

**I love you all. Very much. See you next time.**

* * *

><p>"That was so freakin' great, Dad!" My eight year old daughter still bounces with energy , despite it bein' way past bedtime. Exceptions are made for Panther games especially during the playoffs, of course, but Bella sighs audibly from her seat beside me. Nessie's elation is sure to keep her up late, meaning that gettin' her to wake up in time for church in the morning's gonna be a real bitch.<p>

Still, we've made it through the first round. Damn good night, overall.

"Thanks, kid," I saw, grinning at her in the rear view mirror. She sits in between her two little brothers, both who conked out before I even made it out of the locker room. Anthony, at six, tries his darnedest to keep up with his big sis who he idolizes while three year old Masen really didn't stand a chance stayin' up to this hour.

I told Bella I could get a ride with Coach, but the little lady insisted on waiting it out.

"I'm so serious, Dad," Nessie continues, babbling happily. "It was like, we were losing. And then bam! 30 yard pass and into the end zone. And just like that, we were winning. And then we won!"

Bella and I exchange grins. Ness is just so damn excited about life. It's infectious.

"That's pretty much exactly how it went, baby," I agree.

Bella turns around in her seat, talking to Ness about the plan for tomorrow. Church in the morning, brunch at Em's which has turned into a weekly thing over the years. Plus, with it bein' so close to Christmas Jazz, Alice, and Jax are in town.

Nessie recently took an interest in all the kitchen stuff, and she gleefully joins my wife in menu planning.

I glance in the rearview mirror again, seeing every member of my family. Our dark haired boys, looking far more angelic in sleep than they every do awake, with their chubby baby faces and rosy cheeks. Vanessa, our oldest who was a bit of a surprise, but pretty much the best ting to happen to my life, second only too the woman who sits next to me.

Sometimes I still wake up surprised that all this is mine. Bella did that.

I asked Bella to marry me the second she got her diploma from the University of Denver, pretty much literally the second.

Hard to believe all this was nearin' ten years ago.

A couple summers before graduation Charlie sat me down and made me swear that I'd wait until we finished up college to pop the question. Some drunken thing about him and Renee bein' too young and such. Or maybe he just thought we'd eventually drift apart, being at separate schools and the like.

That sure wasn't the case.

I do not recall when I first made up my mind to marry Bella, staring with the gettin' down on one knee part. She's always been the kinda gal to really get into the whole romantic bit, but I made a promise to Charlie so I held off.

Bella says it didn't make her cranky but I think she was gettin' right impatient near the end there.

CU was done for the year a full two weeks before DU, so I guess I was kinda impatient too, waiting until she was officially done.

Fuck, was I nervous.

Turns out my fear were unfounded, obviously. We met with her in a grassy knoll after the ceremony and I did it right there, in front of friends and family and teachers, gettin' down on one knee and fishing the modest ring I'd been saving for out of my pocket. All I managed to get out of my prepared speech was her name before she lunged at me, screaming a resolute "yes!"

That was a pretty good day.

She made me give the little speech later that night in bed. Don't remember the specifics now, but the gist was that she's my whole life, that she changed my whole life, and that I love her with everything I have.

We didn't waste much time with a long engagement. Living together in sin is one thing in Boulder, but a whole different thing in Dillon. Plus, we were just ready to go about the business of being married.

The wedding was nice. The party was better. Bella absolutely glowed.

A week after gettin' back from a honeymoon on the cheap to the coast, we started work at for the Dillon school district. Bella got a job right away teaching kindergarten. One of the older teachers even put off retiring a year in anticipation of her arrival.

That's just the kinda town Dillon is.

It was kinda the same for me. I coached offence for the JV team for my first two seasons back with the Panthers before Coach Mac retired. It was a strange moment, takin' over for the man who saw me through the very worst of party days.

All that on top of teachin' band to a bunch of punk high schoolers. Turns out I'm pretty all right at both. Still, it's rough on game day what with my loyalty somewhat divided between the team and the pep band. My drum majors handle the whole thing, but it's hard work not glancing over my shoulder constantly at my band kids.

Somehow I manage to balance everything, with the band kids and the football kids and my actual flesh and blood children.

This is a life I never dared to imagine.

We barrel down the two-lane highway towards the horribly inadequate home we're been living in since Ness was born. There's been talk since Masen came along of upgrading to one that will fit a family of five, but it just ain't happened yet.

When a small white for sale sign catches my eye at the end of a familiar road, it's a little eerie. I pull over abruptly, startling the only awake members of my family.

Both ladies screech at me, but I'm outta the SUV before they can really say much. Bella and Ness both join me a moment later.

"Where are we, Mommy?" my daughter asks, grabbing my hand as my ladies come look at the sign.

"Your daddy's favorite golf course, I believe," Bella replies. I can feel her eyes on me but I'm too busy looking into the dark, visualizing those rolling green hills I know so well.

"Ain't golf courses more flat and stuff?" Ness muses.

"It's not that kinda golf, kid," I mutter. "It's just wackin' golf balls. I'll show you sometime."

"This was our very first date, your dad and me," Bella says, moving behind Nessie and laying her head against my shoulder. I grin down at my lovely wife.

"First date, huh?" That whole time period was rough, what with her dating my best friend and all, but the bitterness and pain is gone now. All I really remember now is how Bella fell in love with me.

I was a goner pretty much the moment I saw her.

"That doesn't sound very nice at all," Nessie comments, frowning slightly. She works her lip between her teeth, just like her mother. Her big brown eyes are all Bella. Her messy bronze hair she gets from me.

"It was perfect," Bella insists, smiling up at me with affection. I kiss her nose.

"Damn right," I say. "That's why were gonna buy it."

"Daddy!" Ness cries, aghast. "No cursing."

"Sorry, kid."

"Edward," Bella says. I wince at her tone. It tells me I'm gonna have to do a lot of convincing. "What on earth do you have in your head now?"

"I think you know."

"Oh, no. No, no, no. Is there even a house on this property? What in the hell are we gonna do with 15 acres?" she asks.

"Baby, look at this sign," I say, gesturing somewhat wildly in my excitement. "Foreclosure. It's in foreclosure. We can get it on the cheap. Plus, Emmett just finished paying me for my part of the house."

When she chose to abandon her children and disappear into the wilds of Texas, my mother left us with the only thing she really owned in the world. Her house. Em and Rose have been living there together since we graduated high school, and they've slowly been buying me out with the extra income they make now that they've opened another few auto shops.

"And what would we do with it after getting it on the cheap? Where are we gonna live?" she asks, repeating her very good question.

"I'll build one," I declare.

"You'll what?" Bella snaps.

"That's so cool," says Nessie, picking up on my excitement.

"I know how," I say, heading off my wife's first argument. "Remember all that construction I worked before Em needed me at the shop senior year? I've build all sorts of houses. Why not my own? Plus, I know people."

"You know people?" she demands incredulously.

"People," I explain with a shrug.

Bella gives me a long hard look, sighs heavily, and climbs back into the car without another word.

"I'm cold, Daddy," Nessie says, tugging on my hand. "If this is our new house to we have to sleep outside?"

"Naw, kid," I say. "We're not quite there yet. Wanna help me wear down your mom?"

"Okay," she says with a shrug. "Sounds fun."

* * *

><p>"Apparently, it's been a life long dream," drawls Rosalie. She sits on her kitchen counter, sipping a beer and watching Esme and I prepare the meal. Sunday brunch has been pushed back to early Sunday dinner to accommodate the Cowboys game.<p>

"What would you know of his life long dreams?" I reply, checking on the chicken. Still has awhile to go. That's good. It seems like we're timing the cooking right.

"Emmett just happens to have some insight," Rose says, sounding all snotty. "My husband did raise your husband, after all."

Esme lets out a snort as she stirs the coleslaw. "They raised each other," she observes, quite accurately for someone who moved to Dillon when we were in high school. She's been a Dillon citizen for almost fifteen years and she's still considered something of the new girl. That's just the kinda town Dillon is. "With a little help from you two girls, I would say."

Rose and I share a look because ain't that the truth.

"What's this life long dream?" Esme asks, reminding me of the topic at hand.

I mutter under my breath into my wine glass. Rose smirks at me, loving my discomfort as usual.

"Edward wants to buy this huge chunk of land to the west of town and build a house on it," Rose explains.

"Oh," says Esme, blinking rapidly. "Well, that seems like a pricey venture."

"Yeah, that's part of it I guess," I reply with a shrug. "I mean, we've been saving for years for a bigger home. You've been to our place. It's impossible to get from one room to the next without stepping on a child. The land Edward wants is in foreclosure and impossibly cheap. He wants to build the house himself next summer. As in with his own two hands."

Esme smiles. "Oh, that sounds lovely. Just like Edward."

I groan because it seems like everyone is on my husband's side.

"If money isn't a problem what are you worried about?" Esme asks, obviously confused.

"The time," I say. "Like we already don't have enough on our plate as it is. Edward basically is working two full time jobs. Which is basically why money isn't a problem, but it was supposed to be a transitional thing after Mac retired, but here we are seven years later and he still can't decided between football and music. I mean, he does all right and is paid well for this sort of thing. He manages to spend plenty of time with the kids and even manages to take me out occasionally, but this would be like working a third job! A third freaking job!"

I've really worked myself up at this point. Esme looks at me with concern. Rose has that evil smirk on her face that has always pissed me off so much it's a miracle we've stayed friends this long.

"I understand your point, Bella," Esme says, nodding consoling. "You'd miss your husband."

"Exactly," I say, nodding enthusiastically.

"You're an idiot," says Rose. Esme gapes at her. I just give her the evil eye. "He could do it this summer. Y'all are teachers. Don't you get a nice little vacation?"

I blink at Rose because I honesty hadn't considered the summer.

Nessie lets out a shrieking giggle from behind us at the Cullen's kitchen table. I turn around to check it out and smile when I see Jackson attempting to cover my daughter in flour handprints. After helping me back a pie they took to playing with the leftover bits of crust. Like play dough. It's getting a little disgusting and I should really set them about the business of clean up, but they're just having so much fun and being so cute doing it.

The Whitlock's like to make it out to Dillon a couple times a year. It really completes our strange extended family when they are around. We all love it, but Ness is especially thrilled to have Jax around, even if it just adds to the number of boys she's surrounded by. Between her little brothers and her cousins, Em and Rose's two little boys, she's the only girl amongst the kids.

Not that she seems to mind. She dives right in to backyard football games and wrestling matches with the rest of them.

I turn back to finish up preparing the meal. Twenty minutes later were all seated in the dining room. Conversation rises and falls. Masen falls asleep with his face against my shoulder. Edward rests his hand on my thigh, and I think about the summer.

* * *

><p>"Baby?"<p>

I grunt in response, not totally knowing in my half asleep state if this is a dream or if my wife is overcome with the overwhelming urge to talk even if it is the middle of the night and it's been a long day and all the love making.

"Edward." This time the word is harsher and accompanied by a shove to my shoulder. I open on bleary eye, taking in the outline of my wife with her head propped up on an elbow as she stares down at me.

I grunt again.

"So this house thing," she starts. Suddenly she has my full attention. I open both eyes. "Are you really serious?"

"When ain't I serious?" I ask, semi offended by her question.

Bella giggles. I crack a smile because she's just so perfect. I like this time of night when it's just the two of us. I like ending each day this way, just her and me.

"I'm serious, Isabella," I say when she quiets.

My wife sighs, but it's a totally different sigh from last night. That was exasperation. This is more fondness tinged with annoyance.

Nine years of marriage plus five years of dating and I've finally decoded even her sighs.

"Show me the numbers," Bella replies. I blink at her, not totally believing what she's actually telling me. "I'm not thrilled with the idea, but if you show me a detailed breakdown of what you want to do and how it we'll pay for it… then yes. Maybe. Build us a house."

More blinking on my part.

Nine years of marriage plus five years of dating and she still manages to surprise me. One day. I thought it would've taken weeks plus those detailed plans she asking for to get her even to consider it.

"Really?" I squeak out, sounding far too much like my daughter for comfort.

"If it's actually feasible and you actually know what you're doing and you get your people you supposedly know to help, then probably," she says, not sounding thrilled but not as irritated as she did yesterday.

"Fuck, I love you," I tell her.

She giggles again, throws her leg over my waist, and molds her naked chest to mine as she kisses me.

Marriage is awesome.


	30. Epilogue: All My Children

**So this is for Donna who is awesome and has been betaing my other story, By Way of Sorrow.**

**There is one more after after this for those of you who are interested. This might be a little unexpected. **

**I own nothing and I love you so much for reading!**

* * *

><p>"Where are you going?"<p>

The sleepy mumble makes me smile.

"Home," I reply, trying to get out of bed without further disturbing his slumber. I know from experience that if he falls back to sleep now I'll be able to sneak out easy as anything, but wake him anymore and the chances of me sleepin' in my own bed tonight drop down to about zero.

A sheet wraps around my ankle and I tumble off the bed, catching myself on my elbows. My lower half stays tangled up in bed while I keep my body still, trying to listen to see if I disturbed the snoozing boy in bed further.

"You okay?" he asks, voice nowhere near as sleepy as it was a moment ago.

"Aw, fuck," I mutter, kicking my ankle around until it's finally free. I slide the rest of the way out of bed and roll to lie on my back, collecting myself for a moment.

Although my eyes are closed, I hear him rustling around on the bed. He's peaking over the edge no doubt to check on me.

"You don't look like you're hurt too badly," he murmurs. "You are very pretty, all sprawled out on my carpet."

A slight smile tugs at my lips, but then I remember myself and I scowl again. I tug the cursed sheet from the bed and wrap it around my body, ignorin' his pout. He never likes me covered up, but the way he looks at my naked body just makes me feel that much more guilty.

"Have you seen my panties?" I ask primly.

Grinning down at me over the edge of the bed, he shakes his blond head at me and I just know he's lying.

"You've got to stop doing this," I scold.

"I really haven't seen them."

"A likely story, bucko."

"Seriously. I don't see them but when I find them I'll throw them in the wash and put them in your drawer."

This time, I don't even have to force myself to scowl at him. With as much dignity as I can manage, given that he's just screwed the coordination right out of me, I scramble to my feet and march over to the adjoining bathroom.

"Aw, come on, babe," he calls after me. "Don't be like that."

I whirl around, beyond frustrated and angry with this whole thing. At him, for wanting more, at me, for giving him way too much already.

"I don't have a drawer and don't call me babe," I yell. He sits up in bed, propped up on his elbows. Something about the position makes his already ridiculous arms and chest look that much more pleasing. "We're just sleeping together here, buddy. It's not a big deal. Stop trying to make it a big deal."

"God, you are such a brat."

And to that I can't do anything but gape in shock. With angry movements I collect my clothes from the floor and take up my march once more.

"Find my panties!" I demand as I slam the bathroom door behind me.

I wrap the sheet around me a little tighter and lean against the counter as I try to collect myself. This thing I'm doing here is just so beyond ridiculous but even after six months of screwing around with him I can't seem to find the self-control to stop. I thought I got enough of him in high school, but here I am, about to sneak back home in the middle of the night.

Seriously, what is wrong with me?

I pull my dress on over my head, not bothering with the bra. When I left my house earlier this evening, I looked so nice. It was supposed to be a girl's night out on the town, but I got bored of that scene real quick and found myself knocking on his door, as I do so often these days.

Now my makeup is sweated off leaving nothing but faint black smudges under my dark brown eyes. I frown at myself in the mirror and splash water on my face. It feels nice and makes me want to hop in the shower, His is so much fancier than mine and the water pressure is much better, but it's already so freakin' late and I have so freakin' much to do tomorrow.

There is absolutely nothing to be done about my messy, chin length hair so I reluctantly leave my little sanctuary.

He is sitting up by the headboard now, staring as if his gaze hasn't left the bathroom door since I went in there. His beautiful arms are crossed over his beautiful chest, and a slight frown mars that classically handsome face of his.

After everything that's happened, I can't really believe I'm back here again.

I consider storming out without so much as a "bye now," but this is a boy I've known my entire life and I can't stand to see him upset.

Against my better judgment, I move to sit back down on the bed next to him. Immediately he leans forward to rest his head against my shoulder. With a heavy sigh, I thread my fingers through his soft blond hair.

"This is it. No more. I mean it."

"Do you?" he murmurs, slightly amused now.

"Yes." I convince neither of us.

"You're so stubborn."

"I've told you a thousand times that it's just sex."

He sighs and wraps his arms around my waist. I can't help but hug him back, remembering when he was nothing but a skinny little blued eyed boy and damn, did I love him.

Always have, probably.

Damn it.

"And I've told you a thousand times how ridiculous that is. We've got history and ties. Nothing is going to be that simple with you and me. I don't want it that simple," he says.

Suddenly, I'm so tired.

"I have to go. I'm meeting people in…" I glance at the bedside clock, wincing when I see it's after three am. "In seven hours."

"Can I come?"

"Ha. No."

I try and pull away, but he holds firm.

"You're really going to sneak out of here in the middle of the night, aren't you?"

"Yes," I say, pouting slightly. It's so annoying, but I don't want to go anywhere.

"Fine."

He let's go and turns away. For one horrible moment I think he is just going to lie down and pretend I'm not here. He's not one to be cold, not like me, and it hurts my heart to see him turn away.

But then he pulls on a t-shirt and reaches for his jeans, bunched at the end of the bed.

"What are you doing?" I ask, confused. He always sleeps in the nude.

"I'm giving my lady a ride home," he says. "Do you really think I'm going to let your fine ass get on the light rail by yourself at three am? Come on."

"I'm not your lady," I mutter. This shouldn't be so surprising but it is.

He stands and digs around for his keys on his desk for a moment. I admire his lopping gait and the athletic lines of his body as he walks back over to me and pulls me to my feet.

Somewhere in my head he is still that scrawny little boy, and I'm always so surprised by his height. I'm tall, but damn. He's way tall. I'm not used to having to look up at anyone, but he's a freaking giant.

I like the way I fit right under his arm. He keeps me tucked into his side as we take the elevator down to the parking garage. I try not to swoon as he opens the passenger's door of his Subaru.

Who still does stuff like that? I mean, seriously.

The drive through the city to my neighborhood goes real quick. Sometimes it takes almost thirty minutes during the day with traffic, but we only see three other cars on the road. We don't speak, but I let him hold my hand as I look at the lights out the window.

When we get to my house, he actually parks. I try not to smile as he comes around the car to open the door for me once more. I let him hold my hand again as he walks me to the front door. No one remembered to leave the front light on for me, and the house is dark, it's other occupants all sleeping soundly.

I fumble with my keys but manage to get the lock undone. I pause before entering, hoping he's not going to try to talk his way inside.

"Thanks for the ride," I murmur, running a hand through my tangled copper hair.

He gives me a warm smile in return.

"Anything for my lady," he murmurs, pulling me into his chest for a hug.

"Jackson," I say with a groan, so tired of arguing with him about this. "Stop."

"Never ever," he murmurs, his hands moving up my sides to cradle my face. His stupid eyes make me feel dizzy as he brings his lips to mine. I let myself get lost for a moment, because despite everything else that is so wrong here, this one thing between us is perfection.

Absolute perfection.

"I am completely crazy about you, Ness," he says, lips hovering millimeters from mine. "And I'm just as stubborn. I'll wait you out."

I roll my eyes because he may be crazy about me now, but that wasn't always the case. The memory of how it made me feel then, is the reason for keeping him at a distance now.

Or tryin' too anyway.

"Goodnight, Jax."

"I'll see you tomorrow," he says, reluctantly letting me go.

"No you won't," I insist, shaking my head as I open my front door. "This was the last time, remember?"

Jackson's answering grin makes me swoon for real this time.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

* * *

><p>"You look like shit."<p>

I lift my head from a thick anatomy textbook to glare at my study buddy. Sam and I dated freshmen year, but are now forced to spend far too much time together being as we have all the same friends and we are in all the same classes.

Plus, we decided to get a house together this year with a couple other bio students. He's actually a pretty decent roommate, but things can still get awkward on occasion.

"When did you get home last night?" asks Heidi, another roommate. She's on the pre med track too.

"I don't even know, Heidi," I say with a shrug, reaching for my coffee. "It wasn't that late."

"Wait," says Sam, eyes narrowed. "Did you guys all go out last night? Girls night, wasn't it?"

I pretend to be deeply engrossed in my book.

"Nessie is seeing some older baseball player from her past or something," Heidi explains. "She's being awfully mysterious about him."

"Oh, really?" asks Sam, rounding on me. "How long has this been going on?"

"Sumer time," Heidi answers. I give her a shocked look, thinking she only found out recently. "You are no where near as sneaky as you think you are," she replies.

I sigh and slump down in my chair, looking out at the crowded library. It seems like every DU student is here on this gloriously sunny Saturday.

"So, is it serious? And he's a baseball player? Like the Rockies?" Sam asks. I can see thinking about getting tickets next season.

Stupid Jackson. Picking my city of all cities to launch his glorious professional baseball career.

"Really?" pissed at Heidi for opening her big mouth. "What happened to 'oh, I won't say a word, Nessie?' What happened to that?"

Heidi shrugs. "It got boring. And I want to meet him. Why won't you let us meet him?"

"He's not my boyfriend," I insist. "There is no reason for you to meet him. We aren't dating. He's just a family friend so we hang sometimes. I've known him my whole life. We were practically raised together."

Heidi doesn't look convinced. Sam looks like he's trying to figure something out.

"Wait," says my ex. "Is this Alice and Jasper's kid?"

I wince, forgetting that I introduced them when we dated. Suddenly I remember a whole bunch of other stuff I told him during that year we were together.

"It is, isn't it?" he continues, sounding annoyed now. "So this is the guy you lost your virginity to, right? The one that took off during the night and broke your heart?"

"I told you that in confidence!" I snap, blushing slightly.

"Yeah, well that confidence ended when our relationship did, my friend. I thought you hated this guy," he says, frowning.

I throw a highlighter at him. It bounces off his forehead and he laughs.

"I've never hated him," I reply. "I was just pissed. Things got weird for awhile at family functions, but we've known each other for forever and I got over it."

"Is that what you were doing until four am last night?" asks Heidi, smirking. "Getting over it?"

I grumble and cross my arms over my chest. "Y'all are a couple of asses, I tell you what."

"I love how she gets more Texas sounding when she's pissed," Sam tells Heidi.

"It's so cute," Heidi agrees.

"Can we just study," I demand, bending back over my book. "Need I remind you we have finals next week. I will not fail because you guys can't stop talking about a guy I was once into."

There is a brief pause as they follow my advice.

"So, can he get us tickets for opening day or what?"

* * *

><p>"No touching," I remind him as we work our way through the terminal, making our way to the family that awaits us.<p>

"No touching," he agrees, giving my ass a good spank.

"Jackson!" I shriek.

"Sorry," he manages through his chuckles. "Last one while we're in Texas. I swear."

"Good," I say trying not to pout.

It's going to be a long two weeks.

Except I'm never doing that again: This dude broke my heart once and I have no intention of letting him do it again.

"So, if there is no touching, does this mean I shouldn't mention what we did in the shower this morning at family dinner?" he asks casually, as if he really doesn't know the answer.

I turn bright red.

"Do not even joke about that," I say, horrified. "He may be your godfather, but my dad will murder you, Jackson. And they like him so much in Dillon, the whole town probably will let him get away with it."

"So you're saying you don't want me to be murdered?" he asks.

I send him a withering glare.

"That's progress, as far as I'm concerned," he says, sounding sad.

"Whoa, we are so not talking about _that_." There is nothing I hate quite as much as Jackson trying to talk about what happened between us four years ago, what with us doing it and him skippin' town immediately afterwards.

"I don't think you believe me when I say it's the biggest regret of my life," he murmurs.

I close my eyes for a moment as we walk, so totally not wanting to get into this. "So you've said."

"You could let me explain," Jackson continues in that same sad tone. "It might make us both feel better about it."

"Really, I'm over it. It was a long time ago and I know you're sorry."

"Well, I'm not over it," he mutters.

I don't look at him or reply. Why he thinks it's a good idea to ambush me with this now is beyond me. We move towards the escalator that will take us to baggage claim and my family, but Jackson grabs my hand at the last moment, pulling me off to the side.

"Wha—"His lips are on mine before I can get the word out. His fingers twirl into my hair and I can't stop myself from responding with equal fervor. I wrap my arms around his lean waist to steady myself, completely losing myself in the kiss.

It scares me, all I feel for this boy that turned into a man when I wasn't paying attention.

I'm breathing heavily and my skin is so hot by the time he finally lets me go. I try to take a step back, to clear my head, but he holds me in place, hands still tangled in my hair.

"It haunts me, Vanessa," he says. "What I did to you. If you'd let me, I'd tell you I love you. These next two weeks not touching you might be the most difficult of my life, with the exception of those months and months after I left you."

I shake my head, trying not to cry. "You fucking idiot," I mutter. "We have to go meet my parents now. What are you thinking, tellin' me all that?"

With a heavy sigh he lets me go. He takes a step back and I hate that he's so far away.

"You're right," he murmurs, studying his feet. "I'm sorry, but we've been doing this for months, Ness. Just… you have to talk to me. For real."

I nod because I owe him that much. God, I'm so confused. I knew I would be, the moment my mom told me he signed with the Rockies.

"Okay," I say. "We'll talk. I promise you a talk, but can we please just get through this holiday without causing any huge family drama?"

"No drama. I promise."

"Good."

I kiss him quickly. His answering smile makes my heart go wonky.

* * *

><p>"You cut your hair," my mom says for the thousandth time since we got in the car to head home twenty minutes ago.<p>

"Mom," I say with a groan as she pulls on the chin length ends of my bronze locks. "You've seen pictures: And we Skype once a week. This shouldn't be so damn shockin'."

"Listen to the mouth on you!" Mom continues. "Edward, do you hear the mouth on your daughter."

"Yeah, that's fuckin' undignified," says Dad from the front seat. He meets my eye in the rearview mirror as I have a good giggle. My mom sighs heavily but is unable to totally prevent the small smile from gracing her lips.

"I just think it makes you look like such a grown up, is all," says Mom, tears in her eyes.

"Don't you start that," I say, shaking her slightly. "I just got here. No crying. You can cry when I leave. If you cry I'm just going to cry and I hate crying."

"Oh, Vanessa. I missed you." She pulls me into her side and I cuddle closer. It's a little awkward being as I'm like sixteen feet taller than her, but she's my mama and I love her.

"I missed you too."

"I can't believe you only have two weeks."

"I'll be back in no time for spring break, Ma."

She huffs, dissatisfied by my answer but lets me sit up in my seat. I stare at the back of Jackson's head, fighting a ridiculous urge to run my fingers through his hair.

"Thank you so much for getting Nessie's ticket," Mom says. "It is just so convenient with y'all flying in together. Did she pay you back?"

I groan again.

"Of course she did, Bella," he says. "Right away."

"You really are a grown up," muses my mom, turning back to me. I just roll my eyes.

Jackson gets quizzed by both of my parents for the rest of the ride to Dillon. Mom asks him how he likes Colorado and relives her youth as she tells him about her old stomping grounds in Denver. Dad asks a thousand questions about baseball, all of which have been asked before. Then he starts ranting about what a great football player Jax coulda been. This inevitably leads to an argument about which sport is truly America's pastime before they start talking about the Cowboys playoff chances.

I let the familiarity of it soothe me. I might love my life in Colorado, but there is nothing quite like coming back home.

"So, Jax," my mom starts. I can tell just by her tone I'm not going to like whatever it is she wants to ask. He turns in his seat to look at her. "Are you dating any of those Colorado women?"

My eyes go wide and I pale as Jackson smirks. "Not at the moment," he says, diplomatically.

"No ones caught your eye?" my mom pushes.

Jackson glances at me. It seems somewhat involuntary, but I'll yell at him about being so damn obvious later.

"Aw, leave him alone, Bella," Dad says before Jax can answer. I relax slightly. Dad can always be counted on for a good subject change. "He's too polite to tell you he's enjoying the single life and the perks of bein' a professional athlete. Am I right, Jax?"

Although I manage to not let out an enraged huff, I cross my arms over my chest as I scowl at Jackson.

"Well," I snap. "Is he right, Jackson? You enjoying being a young, hot, professional athlete?"

My mom looks at me like I've lost my mind. I realize too late that I just called out the boy I've been boning hot in front of my parents, his godparents.

And Jackson has the nerve to fuckin' smirk at me.

"Something like that," he murmurs, turning around to face forward.

Mom is still looking at me as we pull off the highway onto the long, winding driveway that will lead us home. I drink up the familiar scenery and stop worrying about Jackson.

Mostly.

When I get out of the car I take a moment to just stare at the house my Daddy built. I was still pretty little when we moved from suburban Dillon out here where everything feels quiet and wonderful and just a little bit wild.

It's white with blue shutters, a huge wrap around neck, and a circular turret room that doesn't quite fit. That's my room. Dad built it because I wanted to feel like my room was in a castle.

I smile at the memory, feeling all warm and fuzzy.

A gust of chilly December wind makes me huddle in my jacket, but I close my eyes and listen to the chorus of tall blowing grass that stretches as far as the eye can see. The rolling hills looked like a sort of golden ocean to me when I was a kid. I used to just to sit on the porch and pretend I was floating.

"Anthony isn't driving down until Christmas Eve," Mom is telling Jackson as they ascend the front steps. "That damn bowl game is keeping him away for most of break."

"Go longhorns," says Dad, throwing an arm around my shoulder and walking me towards the house. "You bummed about missing the game?"

"Yeah," I say, feeling blue for a moment. "But I went to the last one and they really needed me to work."

"You work too much," he mutters.

"Med school won't pay for itself."

"We can help out."

"Oh, no. You've done plenty, thank you. I won't have any debt when I graduate from DU. That's pretty much a miracle," I remind him.

"Well, that's mostly thanks to your scholarships," he points out.

"Yeah, I am pretty awesome."

He rolls his eyes and holds the front door open for me.

"Where is everyone?" I ask, a little disturbed by the unnatural quiet.

"Masen's at football. He'll be home from practice pretty soon here. Coach will be with him. Rose and Em and the rest will be here in time for dinner," Mom says.

"I thought your grandpa retired from the whole coaching gig?" I ask, turning to Jackson.

"He did. I guess the QB coach quit and the boosters convinced Coach to come out of retirement for the season. Mom says he's loving it," Jackson replies. He dumps his duffle by the base of the stairs. I do the same.

I nod, thinking of my own dad. He stopped coaching when I was a sophomore in high school, but he is still crazy involved in the football program, despite his lowly status as music teacher only.

"I hate to do a big family dinner without your parents, Jackson," says Mom, frowning. "But we'll just do it again when they get here later in the week. That should be fine, right, Jax?"

"Right, Bella," he replies.

She gives him a side hug and drags me into it as well. "I'm just to happy that all my children are going to be under the same roof!" says Mom.

Jackson and I share an uncomfortable look because we are both included in this statement.

* * *

><p>"Whose year is it to be team captains?" asks my dad as he tosses the football to me. We stand gathered in our backyard, preparing to take part in the traditional, post Church, pre dinner Christmas football throw down.<p>

"Tommy and I are always team captain," I remind him. I shoot a grin at my cousin and fellow non-football player. He is Anthony's age and looks so much like his mom it's ridiculous. Really, he should consider going into modeling or something when he graduates college.

Every year the teams are pretty much the same. Anthony and Jackson are forbidden from being on the same team, given as they are both crazy good athletes. Dad and Uncle Emmett each go to different teams, as do Will and Masen. It keeps things pretty even.

Oh, and Coach is all time QB. One of these days he's gonna be too old to throw the football. I shudder to think what we'll do then. It'll be absolute chaos.

They all may be bigger and stronger than me, but they have to catch me first.

"That's a bullshit rule right here," Anthony shouts as he stretches. "Why do the two shittiest players get to pick?"

"Rude!" I chastise, fumbling a catch from Dad.

"You're just pissed because you lost last year," Masen reminds him.

"I've won the Rose Bowl," says Anthony, sounding like a total douchebag. Normally he's pretty good at keeping the whole football star thing from going to his head. This is not a shinning moment for my younger brother. "What do I care about some stupid, backyard two hand touch?"

We all have a good laugh at this. Anthony has been throwing fits about our Christmas football throw down since he could walk. It's some hysterical behavior that he's never showed once when playing in Austin.

"Alright," says Coach, sounding like his namesake. "Let's get this show on the road. Nessie, you pick first. Ladies choice."

I pick Anthony so Tommy get's Jackson. He picks Dad so I get Uncle Emmett. I pick Will so he gets Masen.

It's a damn good time.

We start off pretty serious and the younger guys stay way serious, but Uncle Emmett, Dad, Jax, and I get pretty goofy. Jasper and Rosalie cheer from the desk as each team only manages to score one touchdown in the first forty minutes of play.

At one point, Jackson can't quite get both hands on me for the down, so he just snags my wrist and pulls me off my feet, slinging me over his shoulder.

"Personal foul!" I yell through my giggles. "This is some holding right here!"

"Personal foul!" yells Anthony, actually pissed. "That's fifteen yards."

"Fifteen yards is half the field," says Coach. "Call it a down and let's keep playing. Dinner will be done soon."

With great reluctance, Jackson puts me down. I make no move to put space between our bodies as he smiles down at me. The look is so soft and tender I forget myself for a moment.

"You call that holding?" he whispers, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

I roll my eyes and shove him away.

Dad won't stop looking at me in a way that is slightly unsettling as we line up for the next play.

* * *

><p>On Christmas I find myself next to Jackson, sitting in an oversized chair. I am too full and too drunk to move, so I don't really worry about the implications. No one in the family seems to really notice or care.<p>

My brothers and our cousins sit at the kitchen, partaking in the loudest, most passionate game of Risk I've ever witnessed. Mom and Rose yelled at them about the yelling, but gave up hours ago in favor of letting them have their ridiculous, macho, aggressive fun.

Mom, Aunt Rose, and Esme sit on the floor at the coffee table, putting together a 1000 piece puzzle that seems to be 96% purple. Their focus baffles me. I am feeling so lazy it gets difficult to keep my eyes open.

Dad, Uncle Emmett, and Coach lounge on the couches behind them, taking up far too much space given that I'm folded into a corner of this far too small chair. They talk about football because they always talk about football.

Not that I mind. My roommates often complain that I too am guilty of always talking about the blessed sport.

Jasper's chair is parked right across from me, right by the roaring fire. Alice sits on his lap, sketching. He strokes her hair; it gets a little creepy for me because with each passing day his son looks a little more like him.

It's a scene so familiar I often closed my eyes and pictured it with perfect clarity when I was homesick my first few semesters away at school. A few faces are missing. Grandpa Charlie took his wife to Florida, but for the most part my whole family is here. These people have always been such a constant in my life. I hope there is never a year that we don't all make it to Dillon for Christmas.

I grin down into my hot whiskey, cradling the mug between my hands.

If it weren't for the infuriatingly appealing boy who is sitting so close I can feel the warmth of his body, I'd be totally and completely relaxed. Despite his sprawled out legs and the arm that rests just behind me on the back of the chair, he isn't touching me.

And that's good. He's following the rules. Plus, I should get used to him not touching me because one of these days I'm going to have to figure out how to stop fornicating with him, but I'm so warm and fuzzy and happy that it's hard to not want him to touch me.

"I overheard the lady folk whispering about us while they were preparing our Christmas feast," Jax murmurs, obviously wanting to keep this conversation private. Between the boys yelling, the jazzy Christmas music Dad put on in the background, and the pleasant crackle of the fire it seems as though everyone's attention is otherwise occupied.

"Ooh, was it gossip?" I ask, turning slightly towards him. One of my legs drops off the front of the chair while my other knee leans into his side. "I am so disconnected from what's what in this town. Was it about Masen? Last I heard he was dating Jacob Black's daughter, but he refuses to tell me anything about it."

"He's totally banging Kimmy Black," he whispers conspiratorially. "He told me this morning."

"Ew!" I cover my ears with my hands while scowling at him. "That's my baby brother we are talking about. That's disgusting. What is wrong with you? He's a child."

Jax snorts. "He's almost seventeen."

And now I'm thinking about what I was doing at seventeen which was Jackson, of course. Or that one time, at least.

"Please say our mothers were not discussing my baby brother's love life while preparing the meal to honor our Lord and Savior," I mutter, glancing around to make sure no one is listening. This is hardly a Christmas appropriate conversation.

"They were talking about us."

"_What_?"

"They were simply commenting that they are happy that we seem to be as close as we once were, like we were growing up," Jackson says, giving me a sad little smile.

We both go quiet, once more thinking about just what happened four years ago to make us lose this closeness. I loved him. He left. I refused to answer his calls and did a bad job faking normalcy when we had to see each other.

"Do they know?" I ask, hating him a little bit for putting a damper on my feel good mood.

"No," he murmurs. "They think I got distant when I went to college and they think we're friendly now that we're living in the same city."

"Well, they are at least a little bit right. It's that obvious, huh?"

"Is what obvious, baby?" I'm glad he's still whispering. My dad going on a murderous rampage would really put a damper in the whole holiday spirit.

My father has a reputation for being completely unreasonable when it comes to the opposite sex being in my general vicinity. Poor Sam met him only once while we were dating.

Worst. Dinner. Ever.

"That we're… closeish again?" I supply.

He grins like a lunatic and I curse myself for being so sloppy drunk as to admit such a thing.

"Guess so," he says with a shrug.

Resisting the urge to cuddle into his side is extremely difficult. I should probably put some space between us. Maybe walk around on the deck until I cool down.

I move to do just that when I get a scolding from Alice.

"Don't you dare move, little NC!" Her absurdly loud demand is enough to draw the attention of everyone, even distracting the boys from their quest for world domination.

"Uh…" I return to my former position, remaining seated. It seems damn important to Alice.

"Mom?" Jax asks, as amused as he is puzzled.

"It's perfect. You guys are ridiculous with your lankiness and your height. Seriously, this drawing is going to be all limbs," she replies, her charcoal pencil flying on the notebook open on Jasper's lap.

Dad is looking at me in that way again, but the rest of the family is used to Alice's insanity when it comes to sketching, and they go about their business.

It takes me longer than it should to realize that both my parents are staring. Dad has that little furrow between his eyebrows that is never a good sign. Mom just smiles like she has a secret.

I ignore them both.

* * *

><p>"This is so lame," Anthony mutters as we watch Dad tee up an empty can. He takes way longer than is necessary and Anthony groans. He is decked out in a really weird outfit; plaid pants tucked into cowboys with a jean jacket and cat eye sunglasses.<p>

"It is not," I say, letting my legs dangle from the bed of Dad's old truck where we sit and wait for our turn. "Drink your beer."

"You're a terrible influence. I'm only nineteen you know, and really I can't drink anymore beer until after the big game next week."

"You are totally ridiculous, you know that?"

"This body is a machine, Vanessie," he says, actually kissing his biceps.

I roll my eyes and shove him, but he barely seems to notice.

"I hate these things I'm so bad at this," Mom mutters under her breath as she marches up to our seat. "After nearly thirty years you'd think I'd show at least a little improvement."

We both move over so she can sit in the middle. Masen tees up next with an empty can of Coke.

"Thirty years?" Anthony says, gaping. "You've been coming here for thirty years? Ma, you are way old."

"It's twenty six, actually," Mom says, scowling at the middle child. "And is that a beer I see in your hand, Anthony Emmett?"

"No," he says, smirking as he brings the can to his mouth.

Mom sighs. She holds my hand and lays her head against Anthony's shoulder.

"I must be old," she whispers as Dad gives Masen a very serious golf lesson. The way the baby of the brood nods along and concentrates is pretty damn cute. It must be weird for him to be the only one left at home.

"Why, Ma?" Anthony asks.

"Because I have such old children," she says. "Look at you two: Away at college. One on track to be a doctor. The other one a football player. You know how that terrifies me, Anthony."

"Yes, Ma," he says with a sigh. He's been hearing the lecture on not tackling with his head down since peewee.

"You're not old," I say because I'm an awesome daughter. "You're like forty. It's kinda insane how much younger you are than most of my friends parents."

"I'm forty-four," she corrects.

Anthony whistles through his teeth. "Damn. That's ancient."

"Give me that," Mom says, snatching the beer from my brother. She hands it to me and I smirk at him while he scowls right back. "How did I give birth to such tall creatures?"

"Just lucky, I guess," I say. All the men in my family are taller than me, but all four of us tower over Mom. I'm thankful Dad gave me his genes on this one.

"Creatures?" asks Anthony.

"Who's next?" Dad asks as he and Masen mosey on over to us. "Masen has the record for the day."

Anthony and Masen high five, because as long as one of them is beating Dad it is a victory for both.

"Dad," I say, crossing my arms over my chest in defense to the wind. "It's freezing. You know I love it up here. I do, but it's December! This is getting absurd."

Dad opens his mouth to argue, but Mom saves the day my wrapping her arms around his waist. It never fails to gross me out, the way they're always touching, but at least this time she's using it for good.

"Nessie is right, Edward," she says. When Dad notices her shivers he holds her closer and rubs her back with his palms. "The sun is going down and the wind is picking up."

"Yeah, you wouldn't want to ruin our last night all together with one of us dying of frostbite," Masen says.

I roll my eyes at his dramatics but his statement genuinely upsets Mom who looks like she's about to start up the waterworks already.

"Don't do it," I warn.

"Aw, hell," says Anthony.

"Jeeze, Mom," Masen mutters, shaking his head in shame. "Get a grip."

"You could at least hold off till Anthony drives away tomorrow morning, Bella," Dad says, being a whole lot more gentle than the rest of us.

Mom's hysterics when one of her children leaves the nest have become somewhat legendary since she completely lost her shit when I moved to Colorado.

"I'm okay," she insists, wiping at her eyes with her sleeve. "I'm okay. Let's go get picked up and then we'll go back for hot chocolate."

Dad smiles and kisses her temple.

"Can I have whiskey in mine?" asks Masen.

"No," Mom and Dad say in unison.

"Can I?" I ask as Masen pouts.

"Sure," says Dad.

Masen reaches out to flick my ear but I dodge him, running down the familiar steep embankment. It's a little treacherous, but I've been walking this path my entire life. Masen and Anthony are hot on my tails but they don't catch up until I slow to pick up cans.

They never do catch me. I'm the fastest.

* * *

><p>"I forget how much your mom always cries at goodbyes," Jackson muses as we wait to board our flight back to Colorado and the real world.<p>

"This one was a double whammy," I remind him. "Her daughter and her best friend leaving on the same day."

"Yup," Jax agrees, glancing at his watch. "It looks like my parent's flight took off about three minutes ago."

"So you are saying there is no chance of them happening upon us here?" I ask.

"What?" he asks, blinking at me. For a smart guy he can be pretty oblivious sometimes.

It was a very long two weeks.

I give him a pointed look until her gets it and when he finally does his whole face lights up, making him look like a little kid. Making him look like the little boy I've loved forever.

"Aw," he says, fingers moving through the hair at the back of my head. He pulls me a little closer. "You missed me touching you."

I snort. "Dream on. I just want to get our last time ever over with so I can finally put a stop to all this madness." My breath gets husky by the end of my rant because Jackson is narrowing in on my lips. My eyes flutter closed in anticipation, but then all at once he's gone.

I blink like an idiot, not understanding why he is now facing forward in his airport seat, scrolling through something on his phone.

"What in the world?" I mutter.

"You didn't miss me," he says with a shrug, "so we might as well just stop the madness now."

"But," I whine, stomping my foot a little. "I don't want too."

Jax turns the full wattage of his mega smile on me and I lose track of what we were talking about.

"And why is that, babe?"

"Because it was a long two weeks." My groan of frustration and annoyance is probably embarrassing, but he is just sittin' there looking so damn appealing and not touching me.

"And why was it a long week?" he asks, demanding I elaborate. His tone makes me figure out what he wants.

"Because I missed you, you son of a bitch," I admit through a clenched jaw. "And I don't appreciate you—"

The searing kiss he gives me should not come as such a shock but it takes me a second to realize what is happening and respond. I want to crawl over the metal armrest separating our bodies. He draws a breathy little moan from my chest and one of my hands comes to rest against the smooth column of his neck.

He kisses me and kisses me until some puke preteens yell at us to get a room.

I hide my blushing face in his shoulder. I feel the chuckle in his chest as he kisses my forehead and strokes my hair.

"I know I hurt you," he murmurs in my ear. My body tenses and it seems safest to keep my face hidden. "I'm going to do everything in my power to earn back your trust and I get why you are trying to hate me. I get that you're trying to protect yourself, but I'm not going anywhere, Vanessa."

I manage a slight nod, but still I don't look at him.

"I'm going to prove to you that we have something real here. Just try and let me, okay?"

Somehow I find the strength to pull back and look at him. "Okay," I whisper, feeling very small. "I'll stop trying to hate you and pretending I don't like you."

His answering smile makes the potential for heartbreak seem worth it, at least for this one moment.

I stop trying to hate Jackson, stop pretending I don't enjoy him, but nothing else changes and I avoid the talk I promised him at all costs.

* * *

><p><strong>I know it wasn't totally E and B focused, but I feel like their story was pretty much told. I was struggling to write something from their POV since last September, but it just wasn't happening.<strong>

**Thank you so much for reading.**

**Next and last chapter will be up shortly!**


	31. Epilogue: All My Children II

**Aw, you guys liked it! Thanks so much for reading! **

**This one is a bit silly, but I just had a grand old time writing it. Hope you enjoy it! For those of you who are enjoying the gown up kids, you'll like this one. Those of you who want more Edward and Bella, I suggest you check out my most recent fic, By Way of Sorrow. It's nearly done. **

**Anyway, love you guys. This is the end. It's been really great.**

**Donna is the best.**

**I don't own.**

* * *

><p>I stare at the swanky downtown club and the accompanying sign that declares this venue closed for a private New Year's party.<p>

"Why did we let Sam plan the evening?" I ask, huddling in my coat in defense to the wind as we inch forward in line. "Do you see that? Everyone in this line has legit invitations."

"They are even embossed," Heidi observes, leaning down to better stare at the invite held by the guy in front of us. She gets obnoxiously close to him and then makes the bedroom eyes at him when he looks at her like she's a crazy person.

"Oh ye of little faith," says Sam, dragging his attention away from the rest of our group to defend his honor. "Looky this."

He magics an invitation out of his, coat and Heidi and I regard it with awe.

"It's glorious," Heidi whispers worshipfully.

I snort and snag the thing from Sam, inspecting the piece of paper that will supposedly get us in to this swanky ass affair.

"How?" I ask when I decide it is indeed not a fake.

"Megan is banging the dude who owns this place," he explains, referring to his older sister. "Her sluttiness has its perks."

I smack the back of his head. "Don't you say that word, bucko."

He rolls his eyes in response. Heidi links her arm through mine, and we take a step closer to the doors.

* * *

><p>Inside is rather expected. It could be any other packed club on New Year's Eve, although the patrons do seem a bit more richly dressed then my pack of college friends are used to. My slinky black dress blends right in, but I do kinda wish I bothered to do something with my messy bronze hair.<p>

We do shots. A guy at the bar buys me a drink. I pawn him off on Heidi and wonder what Jackson is up to tonight. I didn't ask, even though I wanted to, and he offered no information on his plans.

"You're pouty," Sam says, pushing another whiskey into my hand and poking at my bottom lip. "Why are you pouty?"

"I'm not pouty."

"Dude, you are in full on pout mode. Is this about your baseball player?" he asks, frowning. I give him a sympathetic smile because as friendly as we are these days, I totally get weirded out when he dates, too.

"He's just a family friend. We went home together for the holiday so I just saw more than enough of him, thank you very much," I insist.

"Brought him back to meet the folks, huh? You haven't done that with anyone since me," he replies.

"They're his godparents, you fool," I deadpan.

"Drink your whiskey."

More shots are consumed. There is a giant clock on the wall that ticks down the seconds until midnight, but for me it is just marking time until I can sneak out and drunk dial Jax, demanding he meet me back at his place to ring in the New Year proper.

Heidi and Sam drag me to the dance floor. I half-heartedly shake my hips and sip my drink, eyes darting to the clock every few seconds.

And then there are hands groping my hips. I swirl around to maybe sock this asshole right in the nose, stumbling slightly in my haste to get the creeper to back off, but the words get caught in my throat when I have to look up to see familiar blue eyes and all American good looks.

"You!" I say, not realizing I was this drunk until just now. Jackson grins and takes a sip of my drink as his arms come around my waist, nimble fingers resting at the small of my back.

"Me," he replies, talking in my ear to be heard over the throbbing dance music. "I've seen you dance, Nessie Cullen, and I must say this is a piss poor showing. You don't appear to even be trying."

My hand tightens on the collar of his button up, tugging until he leans down so I can whisper in his ear. Taking his words to heart, I dance and move against him.

"I ain't had the proper partner until just this minute," I tell him, laying the Texas on thick.

"And suddenly this night just got so much better," he replies, fingers tightening in the fabric at the small of my back. "I've been staring at that clock for the last hour, just waiting till midnight so I could go home and wait for you to stumble in."

My answering laugh is somewhat hysterical. "Sorry for ruining all your plans," I manage.

"You, my sweet," he yells in my ear, continuing to dance with me, "have ruined absolutely nothing for me. Well, except a few goodnights sleep."

Jackson finishes my drink and then dances us over to a table where he sets down my empty glass. He takes my newly freed hand and I can't stop laughing as he actually two steps us to the horribly ill-fitting music, amongst the masses of writhing, grinding bodies.

Sam and Heidi find me again. Sam takes my hand, trying to pull me away from a confused and slightly amused Jax. When we go out dancing like this Sam often saves me from guys when I'm done dancing with them. I guess I can't blame him for misinterpreting the scene now.

"Wait!" Sam yells. I can't hear the words but I can make out the way his mouth moves. I lean over and let him speak in my ear. "I know this guy. That's Jackson Whitlock. He's the rooky pitcher that pretty much carried the Rockies last season."

I sigh heavily, going back into Jackson's arms.

Sam freaks out some more while Heidi just looks on in drunken confusion. I gesture towards the balcony where people go outside to cool down and smoke up. We stop at the bar on the way for another round.

"You sneaky little bitch," Sam says the moment we get into the cool night air. Jackson has me pressed into his side and I can feel the tension in his body in reaction to Sam's words, despite the jovial tone.

"You figured it out?" I ask, smiling ruefully.

"Some family friend my ass," Sam continues. "This is Jackson Whitlock. He's kinda a big deal around here."

"I am aware."

"He can totally get us tickets next season!"

"Me, you mean. He probably is disinclined to give you anything being as you just called his best friend a bitch."

I ignore Jackson's wince, a negative reaction to the term _friend_ no doubt.

"It was a compliment!" Sam says, defending himself. "I am impressed you managed to keep this from us for so long. And this is the guy who took your virginity and snuck out on you in the middle of the night to actually fly to a different state."

"Samuel!" I shriek as Jax looks at his shoes.

"Dude doesn't exactly have the moral high ground, is all I'm saying. Shit. Relax," he crosses his arms over his chest. Standing next to Jax he looks so short and so young.

"I thought this meeting your fuck buddy thing would be more fun," Heidi muses.

Jackson lets out a strangled laugh. He hasn't said a word to my friends. It's very disconcerting because he is Mr. Charisma typically. I take a deep breath and decide to start over.

"Jax," I say. "These are my roommates, Heidi and Sam. Please excuse their idiocy. They are drunken lunatics."

Sam looks like he's going to protest, but Heidi slaps a hand over his mouth. "Harsh but fair."

"Roommates," I continue, determined to do this thing right now that I'm being forced to do it at all. "This is my… Jackson."

I don't have a title for him. My Jackson is horribly fitting, I'm afraid.

Things get better. Sam forgives Jackson for being more important in my life. Jackson forgives Sam for calling me a bitch. Heidi entertains us all. Sam pretty much wets himself when Jax introduces us to some buddies of his from the Rockies. There is even a Denver Nugget or two thrown in there.

They all know who I am and I believe them when they say Jax never stops talking about me.

It's a good night but we still leave just after midnight, just after I let him kiss me senseless in front of all my friends and his too.

The walk to his apartment should take us maybe thirteen minutes, but tonight it feels like it lasts years.

Part of the delay could be our need to be all over each other. Every few steps I feel the need to shove him into a building, kissing him until he forgets his own name.

* * *

><p>Sitting at the breakfast bar in nothing but Jackson's button up and a pair of clean black panties I found in the drawer I refuse to call mine, I nibble on a piece of extra crispy bacon and watch Jax scramble eggs.<p>

Shirtless breakfast cooking seems totally ill advised, but he knows just what the sculpted planes of his back and chest do to me. This is probably some manipulation to get me to spend yet another day here in his fancy high rise apartment.

Something changed on New Year's – maybe it was him meeting my friends, maybe it was me meeting his teammates – and I've spent every night since here with him. Now I only have three days left until classes start up again. I'll have to start sleeping alone and my dismay over this fact is disturbing. I'm far too dependent on him.

We should probably have that stupid conversation of his, damn it.

I continue to nibble and enjoy the view.

Every few minutes Jax throws me a grin over his bare shoulder. The look on his face makes me all blushy.

He loads two plates with fluffy eggs and fried potatoes before he slides into the stool next to me. As usual, he's given me way more than I can reasonably stuff into my stomach. As usual, he'll devour my leftovers.

I reach for the fork in his hand and pout when he holds it out of my reach.

"Pay the toll," he says like the complete dork he is. Rolling my eyes at his absurdity, I lean over to give him a smacking kiss. "Yum," he says, handing me my fork. "Bacony."

"Gross," I say, digging into the feast lain out before me.

"I'll be the judge of that, thank you," he replies primly.

"This is so good," I tell him through a mouthful of scrambled eggs.

"Talk about gross."

I'm too busy eating to respond to his insults.

We chow down in silence. There are definitely perks to dating one's lifetime best friend, one being the easy silences. Even after everything that went down four years ago, things have never been awkward between us. I don't worry about messy hair or morning breath. This boy has seen me at my absolute worst and my most embarrassing. He knows my every secret, lived through the every drama of my life.

We've taken baths together, for goodness sakes, so when he makes me blush now by staring at my legs with a concentration he usually reserves for the pitcher's mound, it's all about pleasure and not about embarrassment at all.

I push my leftovers to Jax when I can't manage to fit another bite in my mouth and get up to do the dishes. Already we have a routine. He cooks and I clean.

"So what's your plan for the day?" he asks as I scrub. "You close at the coffee shop, right?"

"Yeah, I don't go in until six."

"And when do you get off?"

"Not until midnight." Damn it's going to be a long one. Jackson kept me up way too late last night.

"I'll pick you up," he declares.

"It's two blocks from my house," I reply. "I think I can manage."

"Are you going to your house?"

I turn from the sink to stare at him while I have an internal debate. I should go home. I haven't seen my friends in days. I'm nearly out of clean clothes, but I really don't want to go without him.

"Fine," I say with a frustrated growl. "I'll stay here tonight but I have to go home tomorrow. "

"We can sleep there tonight, if you prefer," Jax suggests. He is trying so hard to be casual, but I haven't let him through my front door yet and I can hear a tremor in his voice.

As trivial as it seems compared to all the sex we've been having since last summer, letting him spend the night means something.

Taking a moment to collect myself, I finish loading the dishwasher slowly, methodically.

I want so badly to just blindly throw my whole heart into loving him again, but the naive little girl that fell for him all those years ago disappeared the moment he snuck off in the middle of the night.

Sometimes he makes me feel like her and it terrifies me. I need to go into this thing with extremely cautious optimism. Although I believe him when he talks of regret and promises not to hurt me, he could still break my fragile heart all over again without even meaning to.

But then I glance at him, sitting there on that stool, looking so beautiful and familiar and so hopeful.

Aw, fuck it.

"Okay," I say with a shrug. "You'll pick me up and we'll sleep at my place."

I enjoy his dumbstruck joy. It is not often Jax is struck speechless.

* * *

><p>Jackson is trying to badger me into running with him to the gym despite the freezing weather, when my open laptop starts beeping.<p>

"What's that?" asks Jax.

"Anthony is trying to Skype with me."

"Cool," he says, leaning back on the couch. I stare at him pointedly until he gets the hint and stands.

"I'm going to change for our run," Jackson says with a heavy sigh. I don't answer my brother's call until Jackson's bedroom door shuts behind his sexy ass.

"Yo," I say when my little brother's face fills up my screen. For whatever reason, he appears to be shirtless. An orange knit beanie covers his dark hair and pink sunglasses shaped like stars cover his green eyes. Anthony is such a kook. People don't often know what to make of my eccentric football star little brother.

"Took you long enough," he mutters.

"Are you at home?" I ask, surprised. After winning their bowl game earlier in the week, I thought he'd want to stick around for all the subsequent parties.

"Yeah man," he replies, swiveling around in his desk chair. "It was a long season and I'm in the mood to be pampered."

"She's doing your laundry and cookin' your favorite meals."

"You know it."

"Fried chicken?"

"Two nights in a row."

We air high five.

"Where are you?" he asks, studying the view out Jackson's living room windows that provide my backdrop.

"Home," I lie.

"Liar," he says.

"At the coffee shop?" I try again.

"Van…"

"Why are you callin'?" I ask, changing the subject. "Not that it's not lovely but we just saw each other like ten seconds ago."

"You're at Jackson's, ain't ya?" he says, not buying it.

I wish I could see his stupid eyes. "How do you know that?" I demand, crossing my arms over my chest.

"You don't have a monopoly on communicating with our very favorite pitcher," he says. "We've video chatted. Although I've heard that you currently do have that monopoly on his penis."

I blink at Anthony. It takes me several long seconds for me to process just what he's saying.

"What?" I shriek, jumping slightly. My computer almost tumbles off my lap and onto the ground, but I catch it at the last moment. When I look at the screen again, I'm met with an image of my brother laughing his ass off. "Why would you say _that_?"

"Hold up," Anthony says, getting to his feet and disappearing from view. I protest with great volume until he returns with Masen in tow.

"Oh no," I say, shaking my head as they both take seats at Anthony's desk. "I am so not having this conversation with the baby of the family. I am so not having this conversation at all."

Except I've gotta know whatever he knows.

"Hey," protests the baby of the family.

"He's sixteen," Anthony says. "And he has way more sex than I do."

I scream and cover my ears. What in the hell is happening here? We've entered the world of the surreal, and if I wasn't so desperate to know whatever it is they know, I'd slam my laptop shut and pretend this never happened.

"This is not happening," I chant. "This is so not happening."

They stare at me until I collect myself.

"Okay," I manage, sounding somewhat normal. "What do you two morons know?"

"That you and our godbrother are doing it," Masen says.

I shriek again.

"In fairness to Nessie, we only know they've done it once," Anthony says, confusing me totally. How is it possible they know anything at all? "Actually they could've not done it, I guess. But it seems damn unlikely."

"Is godbrother a thing?" asks Masen.

"No," Anthony replies. "Don't say that. It makes it creepy."

I do nothing but stare at them in shock as they have this bizarre little argument.

"It's already creepy. He's family!"

"Yeah, but there's no blood there. This seems like the natural progression of their ever evolving relationship."

Mase and I gape at the middle child.

"What?" Anthony continues as if we're the weird ones for not having any idea what he's talking about. "Uncle Jasper loves to tell that story of how Jax decided to marry Ness when they were like toddlers."

"Do not even go there," I scream. I'm doing a lot of screaming.

Both boys laugh at my discomfort and I collect myself once more.

"I don't even know what you're talking about," I say, fooling no one. "Jackson and I are friends, like we've always been."

"Except those years when you hated him," Anthony reminds me.

"You noticed?" I ask, wincing.

"You're not as sneaky as you think you are," Mase says. They are in gang up on me mode. I hate gang up on me mode.

"Okay," I say, at my wits end. "Just tell me what you think you know."

"Send her the link," Masen says, doing some sort of weird Darth Vader impression. Anthony grins and sends me said link.

With great trepidation, I click on it, and am sent to a fan site devoted to Jackson. Totally confused, a few seconds of scrolling makes all clear.

"Jackson!" I scream, totally panicked. My voice is so piercing both my brothers wince at the sound. "Jackson Alexander Whitlock! Get your scrawny ass out—"

"What?" he yells back, slamming out of the bedroom in nothing but a pair of athletic shorts. He glances around wildly, prepared to deal with a robber or something. Beyond words, I can do nothing but wave him over and gesture at the laptop.

"Hey, guys," Jackson says, greeting the boys as he takes a seat next to me. "No shirt?" he continues when he takes in Anthony's similar lack of attire.

"Nice," replies Anthony.

They pretend to fist bump.

About to completely freak out, I minimize my brothers and pull up the fan site.

"Did you minimize us?" demands Masen.

"Dude," says Anthony. "Give them a minute."

I would mute them too, but the pictures are making my hands shake. Unable to look anymore, I stare at Jax, trying to gauge his reaction. His eyes go wide and his mouth pops open in shock, but then the son of a bitch actually smirks. Smirks!

"Damn," Jackson says. "We look hot."

With a groan of pure misery, I flip face first into the couch.

"This is horrifying, Jackson," I mumble into the cushions. "There are pictures of us all over each other on the internet!"

There are a whole slew of them, taken on New Year's Eve as we were leaving that club. A couple is a little bit cute of us smiling at each other, but mostly they are downright pornographic.

"Yeah," he agrees, sounding properly shocked now. "This is fucking surreal."

"Dude, you're totally groping my sister's ass in this one!" yells a minimized Masen.

"Oh my God," I mutter.

"So what are your intentions with big sister Van?" Anthony asks, sounding shockingly stern. Dad is so ridiculous, the boys have never really felt the need to do the whole over protective brother thing. Until now, apparently.

"Don't answer that, Jax!" I insist.

"I'm crazy about her," Jackson replies.

More groaning sounds come from me as my brothers make sounds of approval.

"Where did you find these?" asks Jackson. His voice is fluctuating between horror and awe. I'm sure a little part of him is stoked to have such evidence of his adoring public.

"Nicole Cheney met Jax a couple times growing up and has apparently fallen in love with him since Jax got all famous and shit," Masen explains. "She follows this sight and told Kimmy who told me."

I groan again.

"I thought I was only sort of famous here in Denver," muses Jackson.

"And in Dillon. You're super famous in Dillon," points out Anthony.

"Dad is gonna kill you," Masen says with cruel glee. "I hope I get to watch!"

"Masen!" Jax, Anthony, and I all reprimand at once.

"Are y'all lookin' at porn?"

My mother's voice has me scrambling to sit up. Everyone seems too stunned to speak for a long moment and then my mom is in the shot, leaning between my two brothers to get a closer look at the screen.

"Come on, Ma," Anthony says, leaning back in his chair and trying to look casual. "No way."

"Oh, it's just Jackson and Nessie." All my inner organs disappear as I stare at her familiar, inquisitive face. "Hi, Jackson and Nessie. My dear boy, where is your shirt? Are you sittin' there talking to my children in the nude, young man?"

I breath again as it becomes obvious that my sneaky little brothers have minimized the damned fan site. We're safe.

"Shorts, Bella," Jax explains, standing to demonstrate. "We're about to go on a run."

"No, we are so totally not. It is freezin'. Go put on a damn shirt," I mutter, having a very hard time trying to sound normal.

"What are my favorite children talkin' about?"

"Jackson being famous," Anthony supplies. Not totally lying.

"Now don't you let that get to your head," Mom lectures. "You best be keeping it humble."

"Yes ma'am."

* * *

><p>"What do we do?" I ask as he drives me to work after our jog and me freaking out a whole lot.<p>

"We tell your parents we are dating," he says. "And then we tell my parents we're dating."

"We're not dating," I say. This is totally frustrating. We've been having this conversation incessantly in the last few hours since my brothers ruined my stupid life.

"Okay. Then we should start dating," he says, predictably. "Then tell your parents. Then tell my parents."

I slouch down low in my seat, pulling the hood of my sweatshirt down over my head to cover the top half of my face.

"Ness," he says, reaching out to hold my hand. "They are going to find out. This is Dillon we are talking about. Nothing stays secret long."

I grumble some more and hold his hand a little tighter.

"I am sorry this happened," he murmurs.

"It's not your fault."

"Guess this is going to be an adjustment, huh?"

"Yup."

"Nessie, it's time to figure this out. I love you, I want you, and I'll do whatever you need to convince you, but you've got to talk to me." He speaks so quietly and so earnestly. It is far removed from his typical jovial self, and suddenly I feel so guilty. He's braved it well, but dealing with all my crazy these last few months has worn on him. I haven't given him a little scrap of anything, but he's been unwavering.

Peeking out from my hoodie, I let my head flop against the headrest and turn to look at him. The tension in his jaw is all my fault and I reach out to soothe him instinctively.

"I know. I'm just so scared, Jackson," I whisper.

He glances quickly at me, frowning again. This is horrible timing and he must once more focus on the road.

"Because I fucked up so badly last time." His mutter is full of self-loathing and I can't stand it. "You think I'm going to freak out on you again."

"Well—"

"Fuck, I was scared too," he says, once more sounding nothing like himself. "You were so fucking young and I'd been trying not to notice how you looked at me for years. We were fucking perfect together, but I just couldn't see any possible way that it could work. You were fucking seventeen! And we're practically family. And your dad would've killed me because you were fucking seventeen, but none of that prevented me from loving you because I really loved you, even then. Loved you forever, even when it was fucking creepy and the three years between us meant so much. It scared me how much I loved you and how young you were and how impossible it all seemed so I did the worst possible thing. I left you and I've regretted it every moment since my plane took off four years ago."

His driving gets erratic. I freak out a little, a tear or two collecting in the corners of my eyes.

"Jax—" I attempt to calm him but then he's slamming on the brakes as he parks on the street in front of my place of employment and talking over me.

"I'm a fucking idiot. The lowest of the low and fuck, how I missed you. I didn't even realize how much I loved you, how you were a part of me, until you cut me totally out of your life. I deserved every second of the misery, but fuck, how I missed you. There wasn't a moment I felt whole until I moved here and you let me close again."

"Jax!" I shout, interrupting his ranting. "I know, honey. I know. That's not what I meant. I know you're not just gonna up and leave me again. Mostly. It's just…"

I trail off, looking at my place of work and then the clock. I still have a few minutes until my shift and Jackson just looks so troubled.

"It's just what, Vanessa?"

"I'm terrified because if we do this, it has to be for real," I confess. The leaving me four years ago thing is upsetting, but I understand why he did it. Now that I'm speaking, I think this is the real reason I've been trying to keep him at arm's length for the last six months. "The stakes are so high. It's you and me. _You_ and _me_. This is so big. We're in forever kinda territory here, and it terrifies me."

His expression softens and he gives me a hint of a smile. Leaning across the gearshift, he cradles my jaw. "The best things are always a little scary, Ness."

I smile back. "You think we're the best thing?"

"Oh, without a doubt. We're inevitably, baby."

I give him a lingering kiss before I really have to go to work.

* * *

><p>"Well, the whole lot of them will be here for opening day," I say to Jackson as I sort through the mail on the kitchen table. Classes started back up early this week, but Jax still has another month before the pitchers report for spring training so he's been around plenty.<p>

"You really think that we can keep this a secret until April?" he asks, leaning against my kitchen counter.

"Yeah, Ness," puts in Heidi. "Those pictures are basically porn. Do you really want them to find out that way?"

"I don't want them to find out period," I grumble.

"Dude, he's standing right there," Heidi whisper yells. "Do you want him to think you're ashamed of him? You really don't know anything about boys, do you?"

I roll my eyes. Jackson snorts. "She's not ashamed of me," he explains. "She's scared her dad will kill me."

"You can't be serious," Heidi says. "That's a serious thing?"

"Well, maybe not kill. But it's gonna be bad," I say.

"Why? Isn't he your godfather? Shouldn't he be happy that you guys are together?" Heidi continues.

"Eventually he'll get there," Jackson assures her. "But… well, it might take a while. He's going to be more pissed if we don't tell him."

"He's absurdly overprotective," I say listing my father's faults on my fingers. "He thinks I'm still a little girl. He considers Jackson one of his sons so we're getting into some seriously creepy territory there. He's certifiably nuts. Should I go on?"

Heidi laughs. "No, it's all coming back to me. He made Sam piss his pants the first time you introduced them, right?"

Jackson grumbles under his breath, hating all things Sam. It's understandable, I suppose, but there really is nothing left there besides an oddly antagonistic friendship.

"It's going to be so bad," I say, covering my face with her hands.

"Worth it, babe," Jackson reminds me.

"Well, I'll see you two losers later," Heidi says, exiting the kitchen with flourish. "Unlike you old married people, I have a date."

The word marriage makes me shiver violently in horror, but Jackson manages to say goodbye to my roommate.

"What do you want to do tonight?" he asks as I turn back to the mail. "Stay in?"

"Yeah, whatever. Look at this. It's from your mom," I say, nodding at the thin cardboard package that I find at the bottom of a stack of mail.

"And it's addressed to who?" he asks, moving to look at the item I hold in my hands.

"Me, you fool," I snap. "Whose house are we in?"

"Right. Open it."

I do as he says, pulling a framed picture out of the box.

"Oh," I say breathlessly, staring down at the oil painting in her hands.

"Yeah," Jackson murmurs.

It appears to be the painted version of the sketches she did of us this Christmas. We were all folded up together in an arm chair by the fire back home. Alice has captured something here I wasn't even really sure existed until the last couple days. It is more realistic than her usual art, but still rather impressionistic with its bright color and thick brush strokes.

To Alice, we are one entity.

"Wow," Jax says. "Look at us."

"It's beautiful," I whisper. But then I look at it a little longer and freak out. "Did you tell her? How does she know?"

"Relax," he replies. "You know my mom. She just knows things. This is probably something she's been anticipating for years."

I let out a huffing breath, feeling all jittery inside.

"It looks like I like you in this picture," I mutter, gently placing it on the kitchen table. It really is so very pretty.

"You do like me," Jackson declares, arms snaking around my waist. I turn to face him, grinning.

"Always have," I admit, returning his embrace.

"It's good to hear you say that."

"I know. I'm sorry I've been so crazy about this," I say, feeling bad for the ridiculous way I've been treating him since he moved out here.

"It was a long six months," he agrees. "But I get your hesitation. I really do, Ness."

I let my forehead rest against his chest for a moment before looking back up at him again. "Do you really think we're inevitable?" I ask, feeling irrationally shy.

"Oh yeah," he replies, reaching up to wipe away my frown with the pad of his thumb. "Always have been. Even when it was creepy."

"Creepy?"

"Like when I was seventeen and you turned into a woman over night with the boobs and the lips and the hair." He gives a bronze lock a little tug. "One Christmas you're a kid and the next summer I'm in Dillon you were so totally not. I was such an asshole for noticing."

I grin because Jackson still seems genuinely disturbed by his attraction to fourteen year old Ness.

"Aw, you liked my little mosquito bites."

"I told you it was creepy." He actually shivers.

"I ain't fourteen anymore," I remind him, rolling my hips forward against him. He groans and lowers his lips to mine.

"Thank God for that," he mutters. "About damn time."

My giggle is swallowed up by his mouth. He walks me backwards into the fridge, nibbling on my lips as he cradles my face. I giggle again because I am just so happy to finally be here with him.

"You're cute," he says, pinning me to the fridge with that long, lean frame of his.

"I don't want to be cute." When I pout he bites my button lip, eliciting yet another giggle from me. "I want to be sexy."

Jax is the laughing one now. Before he can collect himself, a knock on the front door interrupts his little fit.

"Hold that thought," I say as I slip around him. He grumbles as he follows. "It's probably just Sam. He always is forgetting his key," I explain over my shoulder.

"Idiot," Jax mutters. "I like watching you walk in front of me."

"Creepy," I reply, throwing open the front door.

The playful smile falls right off my face when I take in Edward Cullen on my doorstep, in the flesh. I gape at him, totally stunned. He stares down at me, arms crossed over his chest, before his gaze lands on Jax, frozen behind me in the hall.

Slowly, my dad raises an accusatory finger, stabbing the air in Jackson's general direction.

"_You_," says my father, his voice low and dangerous and totally terrifyin'.

I swallow, bracing myself for the coming horror. Dad lunges forward and I act on pure instinct, slamming his face and throwing the lock.

"Vanessa!" yells Jax. "What the hell?"

"He was going to attack you!" I squeak.

"Are you shitting me?" he asks, apparently shocked by my behavior. He rushes forward. "Edward wouldn't attack me. Have you ever seen him attack anyone?"

"Well, no," I admit. "But there are stories from his misbegotten youth."

Jackson stares at me as if I've totally lost my mind. I struggle to comprehend just what's happening here.

"Open the door, Vanessa," Jackson commands.

"I don't want to," I mutter, feeling and acting like I'm about eight years old.

"Ness, come on. You're being irrational. Things may be a little tense at first, but it will be fine. They will be happy for us," he assures me, rubbing my shoulder.

"I just slammed the door in my father's face," I say in a sort of daze.

"You sure did, baby."

"I just slammed the door in my father's face!" I squeak and cover my mouth with my palms, horrified by my own actions. "What is wrong with me? Why did I do it?"

"Because you're a little crazy and freaking out," Jax says, still rubbing my shoulder. 'The good thing here is that you can always open the door."

With a heavy sigh, I do as he says.

The scene before me is chaotic and a bit difficult to understand.

Dad stands hunched over, hands on his knees. Mom holds a bloodied scarf to his nose. Alice – who is apparently here – appears to be pacing in front of my parents, arms flailing as she yells at Dad. This leaves Jasper trapped in the street unable to get over the curb by his self. He's just shaking his head a lot.

Jackson joins me in my silent gaping for a long moment. I lean into his side as we absorb all the crazy that is our family.

"Nessie!" my mom says, using her teacher voice that has everyone immediately quieting. "Do you have something to tell us?"

"I believe you already know," I reply, smiling ruefully.

* * *

><p>"Nessie, eat," Mom instructs at breakfast the next morning. I push my delicious diner eggs on my plate, studying Dad's bruised and slightly swollen nose. I feel really awful about that.<p>

Dad hasn't said a word since I picked them up at their hotel this morning. Alice and Mom managed to convince Dad to just go to the hotel and deal with all this in the morning.

Last night I was relieved. Now I wish we'd just gotten it over with.

"How's your nose?" I ask. Dad just grunts and shrugs. Mom sighs.

"Are you alright?" she asks me. "You don't look so hot."

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired. Didn't sleep much last night," I reply.

Dad looks up from his omelet to scowl at me. My eyes go wide when I realize just what that sounded like.

"Because I was worried about your nose, Dad! I'm really so sorry," I say in a rush. My eyes tear and Dad's expression softens.

"I'm okay, Ness. I know you didn't mean it. We surprised you," he mutters. I relax slightly.

"Yeah, so what are you guys doing here?" I ask. And that has Dad scowling into his eggs again.

"You know what," he mumbles. Mom sighs again and rubs his back.

"Your father thought it would be a wise idea to get on a plane the moment we saw some pictures on the internet," Mom explains. "I called Alice and they jumped at the chance to visit."

"You couldn't have let me know with like, a phone call?" I ask, annoyed.

"Oh, like you let us know about your new relationship with our godson?" Dad drawls.

"Good point," I concede. I think about those damn pictures and bury my face in my hands. "I can't believe you saw those."

"Well you shouldn't be surprised," Mom says as gently as possible. "We work at the school and it started with the kids, but pretty much everyone's seen them now."

"Have they damned me to hell yet?" I ask. Mom winces. I wonder if she's remembering her own time as the scarlet woman of Dillon high. The rents don't talk about that sketchy time when they got together, but I've heard all the stories, so I know it must've sucked.

My mom and Jackson's dad is literally the most disgusting thing I've ever even heard of.

"Most people think it's cute," Mom says. I don't totally believe her because Dad growls again, but I really don't care what the good people of Dillon think, with the exception of the two seated across the booth from me.

"I'm sorry you had to find out that way," I murmur, feeling ashamed all over again. My parents have done so much for me and this feels like a betrayal.

"As you should be," Dad says his voice icy. He leans back in the booth, crossing his arms over his chest.

"When did all this start?" Mom asks, playing the good cop in this little interrogation drama.

"Last July," I admit.

Dad slams a fist on the tabletop. It has me jumping right along with the silverware. "I knew something was up at Christmas. She was way too nice to him," Dad grumbles, turning to Mom.

"Hush," Mom says, rolling her eyes. "This is the reason she didn't want to tell us, you know." Dad sighs and relaxes slightly as Mom turns back to me. "So you started dating last June?"

"Uh, yeah! Dating. Yes. We were dating a lot," I stutter, sounding like an idiot. Mom purses her lips so I know she's on to me, but Dad thankfully remains oblivious.

"Bout damn time," he mutters. I blink at him in shock.

"Pardon?" I manage when my lips are once again capable of movement.

"You've been making googly eyes at each other for years. Bout damn time," he repeats.

"So you're not mad?" I ask, beyond totally confused.

"Of course I'm mad," he snaps. "I'm furious. Damn fools, the pair of you."

I glance at Mom for a translation because she is fluent in Edward Cullen.

"He's mad that you didn't tell us," she explains. Dad nods as if this should've been obvious.

"Damn," I shout, totally annoyed with myself for all the unnecessary drama I've caused in the last few months. I slump back against the booth in defeat. "Jackson was right. I hate it when Jackson is right."

Mom laughs. Dad cracks a smile.

"You're seriously okay with this?" I ask, smiling slightly.

"Ness," Dad says with a sigh. "We accepted long ago that you were half of a whole. You've always been way close, even with him only in Dillon for the summer. We've talked about this for years."

He shocked the shit outta me with his insight.

"I thought it was a joke," I mutter, blushing slightly.

"If only," Dad replies with a snort.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Mom asks quietly, making me realize I hurt her too. With the exception of Jax, I've always told her everything.

"Well," I say, feeling extremely uncomfortable but determined to tell as much as the truth as I can. "It's weird, you know? He is family, practically your son!"

Dad pulls a face but Mom just nods, encouraging me to continue.

"And I wasn't sure. I mean, there is no way to just casually date Jax and being so serious freaked me out and I was still so mad at him in the beginning—"

"Mad?" Dad asks, interrupting my ranting. Mom gives me a knowing look as if she understands exactly what happened. It's very Alice of her.

"Um… That summer before my senior year of high school I had such a crush on him and we kissed." Dad's growls are once more ignored. "That's why he left town early because he knew it wasn't right. I was only seventeen so it was sketchy."

"And illegal," Dad points out.

"But it broke my heart," I continue. "I get it now, though. The timing was wrong. I was too young. He knew we'd have a long story and he knew I needed to get out of Dillon and strike out on my own first."

"Aw, that's beautiful," says Mom, actually tearing up. "They have a long love story."

"Awesome," says Dad through a clenched jaw. His grim expression makes me giggle. "Just don't get married until you graduate. Promise me that."

I nod because that is really not something he needs to worry about any time soon.

"Where have I heard this before?" Mom asks with a laugh.

"Worked out, didn't it?" Dad replies grinning.

And they've totally lost me so I make gaggling sounds when they kiss, just to be obnoxious.

"He shoulda come to me and told me like a man," Dad declares, pouting slightly.

"This isn't the freaking 19th century, Dad," I say with a huff. "He didn't need your permission to court me. Although, to be fair, he wanted to talk to you over break but I wouldn't let him. I still wasn't sure."

Dad looks like he feels slightly better.

"Are you now?" Mom asks. "Are you sure?"

I beam at her, thrilled to finally, finally have an answer. "Yes," I say. "I'm sure. I love him, like, a lot. Way more than I ever even knew was possible."

Mom cries. Dad smiles slightly.

"Alright then," he says, getting up and coming to my side of the booth. I accept his offered hand, letting him pull me up out of my seat and into a bear hug. "Was that so hard?" he murmurs as I squeeze him with all of my meager strength.

"Kinda," I reply, the word muffled because my face is pressed into his chest. "Was it really worth a plane ride?"

"You bet your ass," Dad replies, voice gruff. "I love you, kid."

I pull away to grin at him and squeeze Mom's hand when she reaches out for me. "Yes we do," she says.

"I love you guys, too," I reply. "Like, a lot."

* * *

><p>"Jackson decided he wanted a marriage of his own the day I married his mama," Jasper says the words, beginning a story I've been hearing for as long as I can remember.<p>

Jackson and I give the expected groaning and grumbling, but this story sounds different to me now. What was once childhood embarrassment; is now proof of what Jax has been telling me for months.

We're inevitable.

"And even then," Jasper continues, grinning over and Jax and I where we are seated in an oversized chair in Jackson's living room, our position reminiscent of the painting Alice sent me a few days ago. "Five year old Jax only had one lady in mind."

"Dad," Jackson groans. I am amused to see him actually blushing. "Stop, Seriously, just stop."

"Listen to the boy," says my father. I grin at the camaraderie. They went off and had some heart to heart yesterday and now their relationship seems just as strong as it always was.

Our parents start bickering and I lean over to kiss Jackson's cheek.

"They're older than we were," says Mom, catching my attention. "When Edward and I got together we were basically babies."

"By the time we were Nessie's age we already had a kid," Jasper says.

"Oops," says Alice, shrugging.

"Thanks, Mom," replies Jax.

"When we were Jackson's age we had a kid, too," my mom muses.

"Yeah, you guys are slacking," Alice says with a chuckle. "Get on it!"

"Alice!" screams Dad.

"Remember how cute they were," she coos in response.

And then the four of them are off, remembering what it was like to be a young parent with us as young kids.

I zone out, choosing instead to look at Jax. He's happier than I've ever seen him and the feeling is definitely mutual. I'm over come with a feeling of absolute rightness. It's as if we were all somehow meant to be just as we are, right here together.

When I think of all the little decisions and events that lead us here, that ultimately brought around the possibility of Jax and I, this moment seems that much more miraculous.

Stretching back almost thirty years, if Gramps never cheated on Renee, my mom might've never figured out that my dad was always right there, staring her in the face. Just like that, Jackson and I might not even exist.

Our parents made a thousand little decisions that let us get here. Jackson and I made a thousand more. But I'm thankful for the way it's turning out.

So very, very thankful.

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you, thank you, thank you!<strong>


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